


In Due Time

by serenecj



Category: Original Work
Genre: Boys In Love, Boys Kissing, Coming of Age, M/M, Teen Angst, Teenage Drama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-29
Updated: 2020-09-29
Packaged: 2021-03-08 04:08:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 19
Words: 192,844
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26719561
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/serenecj/pseuds/serenecj
Summary: Jake Taylor is definitely NOT gay...Except, he might be.
Relationships: Jake Taylor/Shane Tickersine, minor Chloe Mason/Ryan Lucas
Comments: 4
Kudos: 9





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Edited by the wonderful Ms. Sharon. She's awesome. And I love her.
> 
> This work is complete. My first ever novel length story. Just moving it here.

His arms are around me, moving up and down my back, sending jolts of something I’d never felt before traveling all through my body. His lips are so soft and pliant against mine; cool and slick, but the kiss is like fire. It burns. His tongue thrusts deep into my mouth again, tracing the ridges at the roof of my mouth and if there’s anything I can do to prevent the moan that I can feel rising in my throat, I really don’t give a shit. Everything is spinning and vibrating and he smells and feels so fucking good against me that I can’t bring myself to pull away, like I know I should. It isn’t right. It’s insane, what I’m doing and I _want_ to pull away, but I cant because every time I think I’ve gathered my bearings enough to do just that—pull away and get as far away as I can—he touches me…kisses me… _squeezes_ me in a whole new way and my brain turns to pudding again. It’s odd. Because I’m not gay. Not in the slightest.

Yeah, I know. That statement would probably be a lot more believable if I didn’t currently have my tongue down another guy’s throat, but it’s the truth. I’m straight and I’ve worked really long and hard to make sure I didn’t…end up in a situation like this… and I’m gonna pull away. I would have done so already…but what sort of sane person can actually think in these conditions?

He really is way too good with his tongue.

He’s kissing his way down my jaw now and I can’t control the way I’m gripping him tight enough to bruise. Like I want him close. Like I don’t want him to stop. Which is ridiculous, because I _should_ want him to stop.

But I really don’t. I want him to keep kissing me and touching me and _licking_ me. I _want_ him to take off my clothes and I want him to get it done faster. He’s too slow.

I really have no idea how I got here. A few months ago, if you told me I’d be kissing—really _kissing_ \---a guy, I’d have had you castrated on the spot. Or…I would have at least cut you…with sharp words.

Or whatever. I definitely wouldn’t have stood for it then.

But that’s _not_ stopping me _now_ as I slide my hand just beneath the waste band of his shorts.

Fuck.

I suppose I should start at the beginning. Tell you how I went from Jake Taylor, the marginally cute, semi-popular, _completely heterosexual_ , decent member of the school swim team…to Jake Taylor the guy who apparently gets off on making out with other guys.

It’s odd, but I think this story starts with a girl…or English class. Either way, it’s completely fucked that either of those things would lead me here.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

English is by far the easiest class to bullshit your way through. As long as you’ve read the assigned book, or have a vague idea of what’s going on in it, you’ve got a solid B. And if you use enough big words and look at the teacher attentively in class, you’re in for an A. Use big words and the A becomes an A+ and the teacher will have nothing but good things to say if she happens to see your father in the supermarket while shopping for ingredients for her latest dinner disaster.

At least that’s how it was for me. English was, by far, my worst subject but Mrs. Carmichael seemed perfectly content if she thought I was trying my damndest to get through her class. I wasn’t. I was coasting. It was the one time a day in my sophomore year that I could actually relax. I used the one study hall period I had to go to the gym and get some extra swimming in, so English was the only time in the eight hours of my school day that I could kick back and just…coast.

Besides, it was the last class of the day and no one ever really pays attention to anything other than the clock last period.

Except me. Well, today at least. Today, my focus was totally and completely monopolized by Caydence.

She was beautiful, with long ink-black hair and blue eyes that shone all the brighter in contrast. She was tall and thin with smooth skin and…

She was pretty much my only chance at staying on the swim team. Because, yeah, it was easy to bullshit my way through class and homework assignments…maybe even a couple of tests—but midterms were coming up. I was sure there would be all sorts of questions about grammar and essay form and then there was the actual _writing_ of said essay’s.

I was pretty much fucked. I couldn’t tell you what a verb was, much less how it differed from adverbs and adjectives and…shit.

Also, I kind of didn’t do the assigned reading all year and I _may_ have tuned out on the reading we did in class. Actually, I kind of skipped over any reading period.

Caydence was pretty much a genius all around. Not very many people talked to her, which was odd. In high school, ‘pretty girls’ kind of flock together and Caydence definitely qualified as pretty. Prettier than most, but she was never with the rest. She was never with _anyone_.

All the better for me. At least I wouldn’t have to navigate my way through a sea of cheerleaders and their admiring fans to get to her. All I really had to worry about was getting her to talk to me.

I ambushed her as soon as the bell rang and I found out just why people never really talked to Caydence.

She had a glare to rival my grandmothers. She stared at me through narrowed eyes, so cold it cut like shards of glass and it took me a minute to actually figure out what to say.

“Um,” I said. “Hi.” And can I just say: lame. Very lame.

“What do you want,” she asked, her voice flat.

“I need help,” I said, smiling in a way that I hoped was what my grandmother would call charming. Apparently, I failed.

She arched an eyebrow at me before saying. “Clearly.” And she turned away.

“No, wait,” I called stepping after her. “English,” I went on stupidly. “I need help with English.”

“Yeah,” she said with out stopping. “It’s obvious, you don’t even speak it that well.”

“Huh,” I said, turning sideways to dodge a kid that came barreling down the hall. “I don’t speak what very well?”

“English,” she said and I frowned. I wasn’t getting far at all.

“No, I wanted you to help me,” I said. “With English. I thought you could help me get ready for the test.”

She stopped walking, abruptly turning to face me and my reflexes aren’t exactly the best on the planet, unless I’m on a block and the whistle is blown.

I ran right into her.

She stumbled, stepping back to get her balance but she didn’t fall. She frowned at me. I think it was right then, at that moment, that I wondered whether there might be an actual reason, outside of bad luck that I hadn’t been able to get a date for homecoming that year.

“There’s a tutoring program, Taylor,” she said with a sigh. “And I’m not part of it.”

“But everyone knows you’re the best,” I said. It was kind of pathetic, the way I was begging, and I supposed I _could_ have gone to the peer tutoring program, but…Caydence got higher grades than anyone in our year and it seemed…effortless. Like she didn’t even have to try. I needed to learn and learn quick and I felt like she knew all the tricks.

Besides, tutoring was for the football team. Not me.

Caydence bit her lip, staring at me, her brows furrowed in that same frown she’d been wearing since I first spoke to her.

“I’ll let you in a little secret,” she said, “since you seem to actually be serious right now but…you don’t need to prepare for the English midterm. You read the paragraph before the question and you answer a question about the paragraph. Piece of pie.”

“Cake,” I corrected. Mostly because I felt like an idiot and she was talking to me the way I talked to my five year old kid brother.

“What?” she asked turning away.

“It’s ‘piece of _cake_ ’. Not pie.”

She looked thoughtful for a moment, before shrugging. “I hate cake.”

I honestly have no clue why I did what I did next. Maybe I did it because she really was good looking and I hadn’t actually dated anyone in my year and a half of high school. Or maybe because she’d been giving me suspicious looks, like she thought I had ulterior motives in asking for her help and…at least that way I could pretend that I already knew the sophomore English midterm was a read an answer test and I only used it as an excuse to talk to her. Or maybe it was because my best friend Ryan was standing behind her, with a big shit eating grin on his face.

Or maybe I’m insane.

I have no idea why I did it.

“Do you wanna do something?” She actually laughed at me.

“Yeah,” she replied, smirking. “I want to do lots of things.”

“No,” I went on. “With me. Do you wanna do something with me. Like, go somewhere. With me.” She may have had a point when she said I had trouble speaking the English language.

She studied me for a minute before nodding like she’d made up her mind. Only, apparently the nod didn’t actually mean ‘yes’.

“No,” she said, and that actually shocked me for some reason, though, I have no idea why. No matter how you looked at it the conversation thus far wasn’t going well.

“Oh,” I answered, resigning myself to go home and swim a few laps in the pool before my parents got home and gave me the ‘homework interrogation’.

I turned away.

“But you can come somewhere with me.” I hadn’t take two steps when she said it, and when I turned around I wasn’t sure I’d heard her right.

“Huh?” I asked. Because obviously I have such an _extensive_ vocabulary.

Right.

“I said,” she continued, “You can go somewhere with me, if you want. I’m meeting a friend at the park.”

That was shocking, but oddly enough, I wasn’t shocked because she’d invited me to hang out with her when I totally though I’d just been rejected. I was shocked because, as far as I knew Caydence Martell was a total loner and didn’t have any friends. Her looks were the only thing that kept her out of the geek category.

It’s disgusting how proud I am that I didn’t say that out loud.

“Yeah,” I said instead and she smiled at me.

“Alright,” she shrugged. “I’ve got grab a pizza from Soluri’s first. Do you drive?”

I shook my head. It’d be another month before I turned sixteen.

“Good,” she said, turning away, not even bothering to check to see if I was following her. “You can just ride with me.”

“Yeah,” I said again, following her and ignoring the ‘thumbs-up’ Ryan gave me as I passed.

“She’s too hot for you, dude,” he whispered, and I smacked him as I passed and hurried to catch up with Caydence.

I called my house on my cell on the way to her car and left a message to let my parents know I’d be home late.

“Ready?” Caydence asked as I got in the car and strapped myself in.

I nodded.

In all honesty, as pretty as she was, I wasn’t really interested in dating her. I kind of figured that when I did find a girl to date, it’d be someone that I could actually talk to in complete sentences. Someone I could laugh with and a whole number of other things I’d never tell my friends I wanted out of a ‘girlfriend’.

But Caydence and I could have just gotten off on the wrong foot. Or something. Maybe things would be different after we’d hung out for a little while. Maybe, I’d finally have a girlfriend…an actual hot girlfriend…and be able to join in on the bragging that the rest of my friends did.

Or maybe not.

Things never go the way I want them to.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I think I disliked him right away.

The ‘friend’ Caydence was meeting, who was definitely not a girl like I thought if the lack of breasts on his shirtless body were anything to go by.

So much for my ‘new girlfriend’ plan. Looked like she was already off the market.

Caydence’s ‘friend’ was laying on the grass with his shirt under his head. He wasn’t laying on a blanket or anything and it was uncomfortable for me to even look at. I hated the feel of grass on my skin.

I didn’t recognize him right away. I figured he probably went to school with us, but I couldn’t remember ever seeing him before. I was sure I would have remembered if I had. He had a nice broad chest and good shoulders. Long muscular arms. His stomach was flat, though, the way a swimmer’s stomach would be. We didn’t work our stomachs near as much as our arms.

His eyes are what stood out, though. He looked up at me as we approached and… They were blue, like Caydence’s, but where hers were cold and dark, his were bright and sparkling like pool water on a really hot day.

It was distracting, to say the least.

“Who’s the spazz,” he asked as I tripped over the pesky air down by my feet as we got closer to him.

I tried to glare at him for that. But his eyes were really, really blue and it was almost difficult to look at them for too long. Blue, like water and the possibility of drowning in them didn’t seem all that unfathomable, right then. I looked away almost immediately, opting to look at Caydence instead.

Caydence only laughed, though and kicked him playfully before she sat down next to him. “You know who he is,” she said before turning her attention to me. “You know Shane, right?”

Uhm, no. Definitely not.

I shook my head as I sat down and said, “No,” just as Shane said, “Yeah.”

I frowned at him. He looked amused.

“Oh,” he said, sitting up. He held out his hand and looked at me. “Well, it’s Shane. Shane Tickersine.”

The name sounded familiar but I couldn’t place it. I shook his hand, which was slightly larger than mine and I’m not sure why that bothered me, but it did. I made sure I squeezed just a bit tighter than necessary.

“Jake Taylor,” I responded before I dropped his hand.

He grinned. “I know. We’ve met,” he said. I frowned at him, a little bemused and somewhat skeptical. I was sure I would have remembered him. He was kind of unnerving.

“We have?” I asked. “Where?”

He laughed, low and raspy. It was a nice sound, though I couldn’t ever remember thinking that a laugh sounded nice before.

“Which time?” he asked after a minute. He grinned and leveled those eyes on me.

“Huh?” It astounds me how articulate I can be sometimes. Really.

He laughed again, but quieted when I risked a glare at him.

“You’re on the swim team, right?” he said, smiling.

“Yeah,” I responded shortly. “So?”

He sort of cocked his head to the side when I said that, studying me. “Seriously?” he asked, with a hint of skepticism in hi voice. The smile he’d been wearing since I walked up with Caydence was fading. “You really don’t know who I am?”

I didn’t, but the way he said that—like he didn’t believe me had me staring at him, racking my brain for where I might have seen him before.

“Jesus, you really don’t,” he said. He almost looked offended.

I wanted to go home. I was positive I’d never seen the guy before in my life and…as much as I really didn’t care what he thought or felt…the way he was looking at me was making me feel guilty. Which is ridiculous. It’s not like we were family and I’d forgotten who he was. He was just some guy.

I looked at Caydence, opening my mouth to tell her I’d forgotten I had to do something, or give her some other bullshit excuse, but she cut me off before I got the chance to utter a single syllable.

“He’s on the swim team,” she said, giving me an incredulous look that matched Shane’s own.

I raised an eyebrow at her. “No, he’s not,” I said. “I know everybody on the team. Except this freak that—“

I have what my mother calls ‘word vomit’ syndrome. But I’m happy to say that I had the good sense not to finish that sentence.

The three of us were silent for a moment while I cringed inwardly and Shane looked somewhat offended. I winced when he glared at me. I’d never actually seen the kid without goggles and swim cap on. He always showed up late for practice and was the last one to leave. I though maybe I should have remembered his chest...it was a nice one, but I dismissed the thought as soon as it flitted across my mind. It’s not like I went around checking out the guys on the swim team. I was way too focused on swimming…not that I would have checked him out if I wasn’t.

The uncomfortable silence between the three of us seemed to stretch on forever but Caydence eventually broke it. She burst into fits of giggles from where she was seated next to Shane, who shocked the hell out of me when he rolled his eyes and, after a second, his laughter joined hers.

“Harsh,” he said, but he smiled at me. “My ego may never recover.”

“Sorry,” I said, blushing. But only a little. It was barely noticeable. Lame? Yes, very.

He shrugged. “No big deal, bro. Pizza?” he offered, lifting the box and handing it to me. He smiled again, leveling his eyes on me and there was an odd warm feeling in my chest.

I shook it off and nodded. “Thanks.”

I opened the box and grabbed a slice. The cheese was already starting to get cold, but it was still good.

“So,” Caydence said, cheeks still tinged pink from her laughing fit. “Guess who was sent to Principle Snider for trying to sneak an article on mercy killing for the chronically obese into the school paper.”

“Who?” Shane asked with a roll of his eyes. He looked bored and I wondered if he’d only asked to humor her. I didn’t have to ask. I already knew the answer.

“Ryan Lucas,” she said, laughing. “The article is actually kind of funny if you can get past how disgustingly judgmental and cruel it was and—“ she paused, looking at me. “Ryan is in our English class,” she said.

I laughed. “I know. He’s my best friend.”

“He’s a dick,” she said, unapologetically and I didn’t correct her. He was a dick. I just loved him for it.

“He stole my clothes during gym class in ninth grade,” Shane commented. “He hasn’t liked me since then.”

That didn’t make any sense at all to me. If Ryan was the one who stole his gym clothes, I didn’t see what reason Ryan had to be pissed off.

“What did you do,” Caydence asked, a bemused look on her face.

Shane grinned mischievously, glancing off into space. “Oh,” he said with a sigh. “He wouldn’t tell me where my pants were…so I took his.”

I laughed, almost choking on the bite of pizza in my mouth. “That was you?” I said, remembering the day pretty clearly. Ryan had told me all about how some guy just about attacked him in the middle of the hall way in front of everyone and ripped his pants off. Ryan had broken almost everything he owned that day. It wasn’t funny at the time, but we laughed about it now.

“Yeah,” Shane said. “I actually got suspended for that.”

I nodded. Ryan had gotten suspended too—not for stealing Shane’s clothes, I’d had no idea about that—but because he showed up at school the next day in just his boxers and was pissed to find out the guy he was putting on his little show for wasn’t there to see it. He threw a punch at a wall. His fist went straight through.

“You’re horrible,” Caydence said, but I recognized the fondness in her voice, even if the only place I’d ever heard it before was from my mother.

“Guilty,” Shane said, grinning at her.

Conversation flowed after that. I found I might actually like Caydence. Her voice was soft and low but still feminine. She wasn’t like most girls with their high pitched whines and she was actually kind of funny. I’d been a little annoyed, at first, with the way she always seemed to be laughing at me, but she was doing that to Shane too, half the time. The other half, she was just laughing. She talked a lot, but I liked her.

Shane was quieter and he had a different, sarcastic sort of humor. His laugh was contagious and his eyes sparkled when he was excited. And I liked listening to the low rasp in his voice when he spoke and for awhile I even forgot that the tingles it sometimes sent through me were wrong and I basked in the feeling. I didn’t shake it off. It was nice being there and for awhile, I allowed myself to relax. To forget about what I should or shouldn’t do and have a good time with them.

It surprised me how easy it was being there. I’m not good with people. Ryan had been my only real friend for as long as I could remember. I hung out with a lot of people and a lot of people knew who I was but only because of him. Because of Ryan. He was the only one I could really talk to. Until now. I was laughing and carrying on with two people I barely knew and I was actually enjoying myself.

“I’ve gotta get going,” Caydence said suddenly, after we'd all recovered from laughing after a particulary funny story that involved a stalk of broccoli and his little brother's nose. I frowned. I may have wanted to leave before, but the uncomfortable feeling I’d had when we first got there was almost completely gone and I was close to having a good time. “Can you drive Jake home?” she asked.

_What?_ Not cool, Caydence.

I may have been comfortable enough just sitting there talking with him and Caydence, hell, I'd even enjoyed myself. But I definitely did not want to be alone with him.

That had more to do with me than him, though.

“Where are you going?” Shane asked, glaring at her

She laughed. “I have to meet Tyler.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “You go on and on about this Tyler character, but you’ve yet to bring him around. I’m beginning to wonder—“

“Hush,” she said, shoving him. “It’s cool if you can’t take him…Tyler won’t mind if I’m a little late.”

Shane shoved her back, before standing to help her up. “What are you doing picking up random guys if you’re supposed to have a boyfriend?”

“I thought you two could hang out,” she said with an innocent smile.

“Caydence,” he said. “I told you, I don’t—“

“Relax,” she cut him off. “I thought you two knew each other, remember? It’s not my fault Jake’s a space cadet.”

“Uhm, hello,” I said, slightly bothered that they were talking about me like I wasn’t there. “I don’t live far from here, I can walk.”

“I’ll take you,” Shane said. I opened my mouth to protest, but he dropped a hand on my shoulder, looking at me. “Really, it’s not a problem. I can take you.”

I had to shake off another warm feeling and I wondered if I was coming down with something. Mom had mentioned something about a bug going around.

“Alright,” I nodded, looking away from him.

Caydence grinned. “Alright, then,” she said. “I’m gonna jet. We should hang out again, though, Jake.”

She seemed genuine so I nodded and smiled. “Cool.”

Shane rolled his eyes at her before turning to me. “You ready?” he asked me shortly and I nodded. It’s stupid but it kind of pissed me off that he wanted to leave right away. He could have at least pretended he wanted to hang out a little longer.

“Whatever,” I said.

The drive to my house was excruciatingly silent. I wanted to reach out and turn on the radio and almost did a couple times, but it felt…rude. I mean, it was his car.

When we got to my house, I almost ripped my seatbelt off. I don’t do well with silence and the one we were experiencing was unnerving.

“Look,” he said, before I could reach for the door handle. “Sorry, if I was rude.”

He looked like it pained him to say it. I just shrugged.

“Seriously, though,” he went on. “We should hang out again. If you want. As long as Ryan doesn’t come along.”

I didn’t know what to say to that so I just shrugged again, reached for the door and got out.

I was definitely not expecting him to shut off the engine and follow me.

“What are you—,” I said turning to face him.

It was his turn to shrug, it seems. “I said we should hang out again.”

He was…weird. “ _Now_?” I asked, frowning.

“Well, yeah,” he said, grinning. “I could wait ‘til tomorrow but…given your track record, I can’t be sure you’ll remember who I am by then.”

I smiled at that. “I won’t forget,” I said. “It’s not like you’ve ever spoken to me before today,” I went on, trying to explain. “And you look different with pants on.”

Shane seemed to think something I said was hilarious and he nearly doubled over, laughing. I had to go over it again, but I didn’t find it near as amusing as he did, once I realized what I said. I winced.

“Shut up,” I said, embarrassed.

“Sorry,” he said, his chest shaking. I stood there waiting for him to calm down. It took a lot longer than I would have liked.

“Well,” he said, smiling. “Maybe you’ll remember, now that you’ve seen me with clothes on, but we can still hang out, if you want. I really don’t have anything better to do.”

I sighed, staring at him. His eyes were alight with amusement and he looked on the verge of another laughing fit but I didn’t want to tell him to get lost. And even if I did, he was already stepping forward and walking up the path that led to my front door as if I’d invited him.

“I have video games,” I informed him, resigned as I followed him to the door.

He stopped just in front of me and I almost ran into him. I stopped in time, but he was way too close.

“Cool,” he said, turning to face me. “Let’s go play them.”

I inhaled suddenly, wondering when breathing became something I had to think about in order to accomplish.

My mom was in the kitchen cooking and probably doing dishes if the sound of running water was anything to go by. I could smell the food as soon as I opened the door. Lasagna.

I hated lasagna, but I welcomed the familiar smell of it. If I focused on it hard enough, I could almost forget the smells that had assaulted my senses just moments before.

Sweat and cut grass and some sort of cologne I didn’t recognize. It was an odd mix but I almost _liked_ it.

“Jake?” my mom called. “That you?”

“Yeah,” I shouted. “I brought a friend over.”

“How have you been, Ryan?” my mom called back and I flinched.

“Actually, it’s Shane…”

“Shane?” Mom said. I heard the water stop running and she came out into the foyer. “I don’t think you’ve ever mentioned a Shane.”

“He’s on the team, Mom,” I said, avoiding his eyes. He had the amused look on his face again.

“Oh,” Mom said turning to look at Shane. “Oh, now I remember,” she said and I gaped at her. “You placed second at the last meet over at West Hills, right?”

Shane’s eyes were wide. “Yes, ma’am,” he said. “But I’ll kick David Rosner’s a—uhm, I’ll beat him eventually.”

Mom laughed. “Well, it’s nice to meet you,” she said kindly before turning to me. “Homework?”

I shook my head.

“Alright,” she said, turning back to the kitchen. “You boys have fun.”

Shane laughed as she walked away. “Well,” he said. “You’re mom doesn’t think I look to different with pants on.” He waggled his eyebrows.

“Whatever,” I said, shoving him. “Let’s go.”

We never did get around to playing video games. We couldn’t agree on one. No, we spent the evening arguing. We argued over which game to play and when it was clear we weren’t going to agree on one, we argued over which movie to watch. My mother seemed to find the entire thing hilarious.

We did finally pick out a movie that both of us were okay with, though. Unfortunately, his mom called just as I removed it from it’s case to tell him to get his ass home.

He shrugged.

“I don’t think we’re very good at this hanging out thing,” I said as I walked him to the door.

He laughed. “Yeah,” he said. “We’re terrible at it.”

I laughed along with him as I opened the door, but he paused on my porch. “We should do it again though,” he said and for the first time all day, he was looking at me completely serious.

My throat closed, at that, though, and I wondered if maybe it was possible to be allergic to a person because it’d been happening a lot.

“Sure thing,” I said when I found my voice. “We’ll do it, again.”

He offered me a small smile before turning away.

“Later,” he said.

I only watched him walk away for a second before I turned back into the house, shutting the door behind me.

I wondered if I could get away with avoiding him at school the next day. I wondered if he’d buy it if I pretended not to recognize him. Because, I could play at allergies and contagious bug’s all I wanted, but I knew exactly why I was feeling what I was feeling. I’d felt it before with a few different people. A few different guys. My response was always the same.

Distance myself from the guy, and pretend I never felt it.

I was extremely talented when it came to lying to myself. Because I wasn’t…I couldn’t be gay.

I couldn’t be.


	2. Chapter 2

My room has glow in the dark stars pasted all over the ceiling. They’d been the first thing I’d ever bought with my own money from the paper route I had when I was twelve. Ryan and I had put them up together at one in the afternoon right after I’d gotten them and hung thick blankets over the windows so that we could look at them when we turned off the light.

I remember being so proud of the damn things. They didn’t mean much to me anymore, I’d actually forgotten about them, but after Shane left, I’d gone to bed early and lied in bed staring at them, lost in thought.

I couldn’t be gay. Or…obviously I _could_ be. I was. I’d known that for quite awhile, but there had to be some sort of way to ignore it. Or change it.

My father would hate me. He was quite vocal on the topic and made sure I knew exactly what he thought of the ‘fags’ of our good nation. He’d make long speeches and give me this look…like I’d better be paying attention. It was times like those that made me wonder whether he knew…wondered if I’d slipped up somewhere.

And Ryan. I couldn’t lose Ryan. He’d been the closest thing I’d had to a brother for most of my life. He never said anything on the subject one way or the other, but I couldn’t risk it. I couldn’t lose Ryan.

I just _couldn’t_ be gay. I liked my life, exactly the way it was. I didn’t need anything messing it up. I would just ignore the whole gay thing. I’d figure out a way to _stop_ it and I would never, ever act on it.

Which would be so much easier if Shane didn’t exist. He wasn’t even around and I was having trouble not thinking about him, which was ridiculous. I’d only known him for a couple hours.

I liked him what I knew so far though. As much as we’d argued when he was over, I’d had fun. He was easy to have fun with. His laugh was warm and more than once, I’d found myself laughing along with him even though he was laughing at _me_. Just seeing him smile gave me shivers and I actually enjoyed the sound of his voice. It was soft and smooth, but still raspy and the slightest bit deep at the same time.

I wanted him to come over again. I wanted to hear his laugh again and feel the light warmth that spread through my body every time he directed that smile of his in my direction or when he nudge me playfully as we argued. I wanted to listen to him talk about his brothers and bitch about his dog. I wanted to _know_ him.

Which meant I had to get rid of him. I couldn’t be around him. I needed to forget about him. It would be hard, considering we went to the same school and he was on the fucking swim team, apparently, but I could do it. I could just blow him off if he tried to talk to me. As much as I was starting to like him, he wasn’t important. My father was important. Ryan was important.

I didn’t even know Shane; it wasn’t going to kill me to get rid of him.

I could just ignore him. And, I’d ask Tracy Marks out, in the mean time. She was nice enough and I knew she liked me. She’d told Ryan under the extremely misguided belief that he’d actually keep her secret. Plus, I’d seen the way she looked at me. It had made me uncomfortable at first, but it was good to know ahead of time that she wouldn’t be opposed to going out with me. I’d always been terrified of rejection.

But Tracy wouldn’t reject me. I could go out with her a couple times and…maybe I could be happy with her. It’s not like it’s unheard of—gay guys marrying women and staying closeted all their lives. Not that I expected to marry Tracy. I just figured it would help, having a girlfriend.

It felt like a plan; avoid Shane and get Tracy to go out with me. Maybe not the best plan but I felt good about it. It helped me stop thinking about things and finally fall asleep. And the good feeling stuck through the night. I wasn’t even bothered when the loud screeching of my alarm clock ringing woke me up, seemingly just minutes after I fell asleep. I was actually in a good mood when I went down to breakfast that morning.

This, apparently, is not allowed in my house.

“What’s wrong,” Mom asked, handing me a glass of juice as I snatched some toast from the center of the table. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing,” I said, smiling to reassure her. It didn’t work.

“Do you have a meet today?” she pressed.

“Uhm, no,” I replied with a chuckle. “The schedule’s on the fridge, ma, you know that.”

She frowned at me. “Jake Taylor,” she said. “What are you up to?”

I shrugged.

She cocked her head to the side. “Does this have anything to do with that Shane boy you brought over?”

It hurts to choke on toast. A lot. Especially when some of it goes up towards your nose. My eyes watered as I reached for my juice and it took me a minute to respond.

“What?” I croaked. “What do you mean?”

“It’s not often you bring home new friends. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with him, he seems nice enough, but if you two are planning something…” she let it hang but I knew where she was going with the sentence. I was always getting in trouble with Ryan.

“No,” I said with a sigh of relief. “We’re not.” I stood up before she could ask anymore questions. Not that I thought she was going to guess, there was no way, but my mother has this look that she gives me. Like she can actually see what I’m hiding. I hardly ever got away with anything when mom was around. Dad was easy to play, but Mom was like a fucking mind reader. I never had a chance to get in trouble with her around. She was always foiling my plans before I even had a chance to fully make them.

“Eat your breakfast, I’ll stop interrogating you,” she said before I could start walking away, grinning at me. See? Mind reader. “You’ve just never been a morning person.”

I shrugged, but didn’t move to sit back down. “It’s just a good day, Mom,” I said, grabbing my book bag and heading for the door.

And it was a good day. A good day with plans. Good plans.

Plans that were completely ruined when I opened my front door and almost ran into a raised fist, poised to knock on my now opened door.

“Shane,” I said. Or squeaked. Whatever.

“You said you didn’t have a car,” Shane answered before I could ask what he was doing there. He smiled at me as he went on. “And I do, so I thought…”

“I have legs,” I cut him off. “I can walk.”

“You could,” he nodded, still smiling. “But I’m here and I’m offering,” he turned away walking toward the car idling in my drive way. “So get your ass in.”

I stood in my doorway for a full five minutes glaring at him through the windshield of his car. But he didn’t leave.

And I didn’t walk.

It was really hard to blow him off, like I fully intended to, while he was smiling at me like that.

I didn’t say a word to him when I got into the car and I spent most of the ride glaring out the window, huffing every now and then. Immature? Oh, yes. But I didn’t care. I was sticking to the plan. The plan was good. The plan was my…salvation.

Whatever. I’ve always been fond of bullshitting myself.

“I like walking to school,” I lied as we neared the school. “So, don’t bother.” Yeah, it was rude. I was actually grateful for the ride, but I almost wanted him to be mad at me. It would make things easier, at least.

“Fine,” he said, in a flat tone. “I won’t bother.”

“Good,” I nodded. I was out of the car before he was even fully parked.

The student parking lot was to the left of the school, and I usually met Ryan near the Quad—all the way on the other side of the school. I ran all the way there.

“Where’s the fire?” Colin Keats said with a smirk as I jogged up.

I shrugged. “Where’s Ryan?” I asked.

He laughed. “You won’t believe what he did, bro. There was this article—,”

Shit. I’d completely forgotten about that.

“Was he suspended?” I asked, cutting Colin off mid-sentence. He looked a little annoyed, but I couldn’t have cared less. Colin was more Ryan’s friend than mine. I tolerated him because Ryan seemed to think he was funny.

“Yeah,” Colin responded with a shrug. “It’s in-school suspension, though. Coach talked Snider into it because he didn’t want Ryan pulled from your little team.”

I really hated the condescending way he said that but he was spared my response when Chloe walked up.

Chloe and I weren’t as close as Ryan and I were but she’d been there just as long. I moved in across the street from her when I was seven. She was kind of the sister I never asked for, but definitely wanted. She could be annoying and she _was_ most days, but I loved her. I always had. In a lot of ways she knew me better than Ryan.

But he let me get away with more shit. Chloe never hesitated to put me in my place. She was hard to deal with sometimes but right then, I was grateful for her presence if it would get me away from Colin before he decided to stop being mad at me and try and tell me one of his dirty jokes.

“You’re a little shit, you know that?” she said, punching me when she got close enough. She wasn’t anywhere near as fragile as her thin frame and mousy brown hair made her look and I tried to cover my wince with a frown.

“Really?” I responded caustically, rubbing my arm where she hit me. “Well, you do keep saying that.”

“Because it’s true,” she said, hooking her arm through mine and dragging me off without even looking at Colin. “You said you’d help Ma and me with the nursery. You totally bailed on us.”

“Shit, Chloe,” I said, and I stepped in front of her. I actually did feel a little bad. Chloe’s mom had always been there for me. I liked her better than my own parents. “I totally forgot.”

“Yeah?” she asked. I nodded.

Chloe grinned, chewing on her lower lip for a second before continuing. “It’s okay. I wasn’t really expecting you.” She grabbed my arm again and headed for the quad. “Ryan said you left with Caydence Martell. You still could’ve called.”

“To tell you something you already knew?” I asked, bemused. I’d never understand the way girls thought.

“ _You_ didn’t know that I knew,” she said with a shrug. “But I’ll let you off the hook if you tell me about her. What’d you guys do?”

I shrugged as we neared the quad. We walked out to the center nodding to the people we knew as we passed and trying not to bump into the ones we didn’t know as we navigated our way through the crowd.

“Not much to tell,” I answered her as we sat down in the grass. “We didn’t really hang out long. She had to go meet her boyfriend.”

Chloe frowned. “Why didn’t you come help us finish the nursery, then? Even Ry came. Mom about beat the shit out of him when she heard about his little stunt with the news paper. She lectured him forever.” She pulled out a package of pop tarts and opened it, handing me one, while she nibbled on the other. Forget what I said earlier. Chloe was perfect. Not annoying, at all. Especially when she brought food.

“I told you, I forgot,” I said, smiling at the pop tart. “Besides, I hung out with Shane afterwards.”

“Shane Tickersine?” Chloe said, chewing. “The guy that stole Ry’s pants last year?”

“Yeah,” I said chuckling as I remembered Shane’s side of the story. “You know him?”

She shook her head. “Not really. I have AP Chemistry with him. He’s wicked smart. I was paired with him a couple weeks ago during a lab. He’s the only partner I’ve had that I didn’t have to carry. So, you two are hanging out now?”

Yeah, right. “No,” I said, frowning. “We really didn’t click.” The words felt weird. Probably because they weren’t true. Shane was…different, sure, but I’d definitely felt a connection.

“Too bad,” Chloe said, finishing the last third of her pop tart in one bite. “He’s about the cutest boy I’ve ever seen. Save Ry.”

“I wouldn’t know,” I said, a little too quickly.

Chloe laughed. “Chill, dude. No one doubts you manliness.”

I shrugged just as the bell rang and students started to leave the quad. Chloe and I stayed though. There was still ten minutes until class.

“Are you gonna come over to my place after torture today?” she asked and I laughed. Chloe was about the smartest person I knew and hated school more than one would think possible.

“I can’t,” I said. “I’ve got practice.”

“Oh, God,” Chloe scoffed. “You’re still on this swimming kick? You’re not even that good.”

“Am so,” I said. And it was true. I was decent enough. I didn’t place at every meet, but I did well enough. I wouldn’t be getting any scholarships any time soon, but I loved it in the water. The weightlessness of it was a feeling like no other for me and when I was swimming, I was totally focused. Not a thought in my mind but the pool and how I could get across it as quickly as possible. I could leave everything behind when I was in the water. It was the best feeling I knew.

“Whatever,” Chloe rolled her eyes. I might’ve been a little bit offended by her words if her actions didn’t let me know she was one of my biggest supporters. She was always up in the audience, right next to my mother shouting and cheering. And she was the only one who knew how to behave towards me when I had a terrible swim. Ryan would laugh and shrug and say something along the lines of, ‘it hurts, I know, and I’d let you be me if I could…but alas, I can’t.’ My mother would apologize. My father would tell me where I slipped up. But Chloe never said a word.

I remember once I’d done so badly that Ryan actually felt bad for me and left off the teasing and patted my shoulder sympathetically. Which was worse, somehow. But Chloe had just walked right over to me after the meet and started ranting wildly about pistachio nut ice cream and how it tastes a hell of a lot more like toilet cleaner than any kind of nut.

She’d tease me relentlessly when I won, though. She’d say I’d gotten lucky, or that she hoped I was enjoying my fifteen minutes of fame because it wasn’t ever going to happen again.

“Hello? Jake? You in there, space head?” Chloe asked, pulling me out of my thoughts. She was standing up, giving me a strange look. “Jesus, lay off whatever it is that you’re on and get up. Let’s go, we’re gonna be late.”

I dusted my pants off when I got up and trailed after her. I hated her most days, or at least she annoyed the living shit out of me with her constant mothering and bitching. Today just wasn’t one of those days. She was a good friend…family almost, just like Ryan. She was definitely another person I never wanted to lose and part of the life I didn’t want to change. But I wasn’t worried about losing her. I knew I never would. If I did something she didn’t approve of, she’d bitch and she’d lecture me, but she’d never walk away from me.

“Are you coming, Jacob?” Chloe called over her shoulder, using my given name in a tone that was so reminiscent of my mother’s it was scary. “Hurry up, we’ve gotta get to Johnston’s. We’re gonna be late as it is, you’d better hope he’s had his coffee.”

“Don’t be so dramatic,” I said, but I hurried to catch up. Mr. Johnston was definitely an asshole, even when he had his coffee and when Chloe and I arrived to his class, not even a minute late; we were both written up in his book. If you name went in more than twice, he gave you detention. He made sure to tell me that I’d be in detention if I let it happen again.

Not that I cared. Teachers made detention seem like it was some sort of hell. It was just a room that you had to stay in for an hour after school. Talking was aloud. Eating was aloud. All good things in my book.

The rest of the day went by without much consequence, though. I hadn’t seen Shane once, in the halls or at lunch. I knew I’d see him at swim practice, but I figured it’d be easy enough to blow him off. It had been easy that morning, for the most part. I definitely wasn’t going to skip swim practice because of him. Besides, it felt like it’d been forever since I’d seen Ry.

Shane wasn’t in the locker room after school when we changed for practice. But he never was. Not that I was looking for him or anything.

“Looking for someone?” Ry asked me as he slipped into his Speedo’s.

“No,” I snapped, but I grinned just the same. “You’ve got a lot of ass kissing to do.”

“For what?” Ryan asked grabbing his swim cap. “And whose ass am I kissing? Yours? How many times do I have to ask you to leave me out of your little fantasies? At least keep them to yourself, dude.”

“Fuck off,” I laughed, shoving him against his locker. “I meant coach. Colin said he saved your ass. And what was that article all about?”

Ryan shrugged. “Colin wrote it. It was a dare.”

“And you went for it?” Ryan really wasn’t what you would call a genius. “Seriously?”

“I got his stereo out of the deal. He bet I wouldn’t do it. Well, I did. Still sucks, though. I liked working on the school paper.”

I nodded. It was the one thing his father was proud of him for. I was sure Ryan didn’t like it nearly as much as swimming and he struggled with everything he did with the paper. If it weren’t for his dad, Ry probably never would have joined.

I reached over and squeezed his shoulder. He shot me what I assumed was a grateful grin before he shrugged me off.

“Come on, kid,” he said, putting his goggles around his neck. “Let’s go. I’ll school you on how to work the pool.”

I rolled my eyes but I followed him out of the locker room.

Coach Edgecombe glared at us when we neared the bleachers at the left side of the pool. I hated the way he looked pissed at me too, when I didn’t even know about what Ryan was going to do until afterwards. But that was the way it always was. If Ry was in trouble, so was I. And vice versa. Everyone always assumed that we were in on it together.

“Alright,” Coach said, as the last of us sat down. It was then that Shane walked in from the locker room, rushing over towards us. He sat at the opposite end of the bleachers from Ry and me. I tried not to stare as he sat down. He really did look different without pants. His legs were long and smooth. He was obviously one of those that shaved. Ry did. I’d tried it once but it didn’t seem to make a difference so I didn’t bother after that. It looked good on him though. My eyes traveled up his body, almost against my will. I’d spent quite awhile staring at his chest the day before and it didn’t look any worse now.

He must have felt me staring though because he looked at me. I immediately looked away.

“Ry,” I whispered, as coach droned on about the upcoming meet. “So…remember what you told me…you know, about Tracy?”

Ryan snorted, softly. “Aw. Is little Jakey finally ready to be a man?”

“Shut up, dude,” I shot back. Ryan was one of the few sophomores’ that had actually lost his virginity already. We all said we’d done the deed and talked about it in great detail…and _we_ were all lying through our teeth. Ryan wasn’t though. He’d come over to my house after it had happened and crawled into bed with me, leaning back into my chest as he told me what happened with a shaky voice. I’d never mentioned it, but right then, I wanted to. He was always giving me hell when it came to my lack of success in the girl department. I knew it would piss him off, if I brought it up. I never would. No matter how much I wanted to.

He laughed, though, patting my knee. “What about her, bro? Do you want me to talk to her?”

“Nah, I can do it,” I replied, looking back at Shane only momentarily before I added, “I need to do it.”

Ryan nodded like he understood. I doubted it.

“So, what about her? If you don’t want me to talk to her, what do you want?”

I shrugged. “I couldn’t find her today.” I hadn’t actually looked but that was beside the point.

“She doesn’t have our lunch period,” Ry said. He paused for a minute when coach turned to glare pointedly at us. I hadn’t been listening to what he was saying and I wondered what the hell that was about.

“I have her number, though,” Ryan went on, as coach directed his attention elsewhere. “I’ll give it to you after we’re done here.”

“Thanks,” I said, with a grin.

Ryan shrugged, elbowing me in the ribs. “Don’t sweat it.”

I smiled at him once more and turned back to coach to try to listen to the rest of his lecture. I was a little antsy just sitting there and I really wanted to get in the water. To feel it wash over me. To feel myself cut through it as I swam from one end to the other and back. I almost needed it.

And obviously the universe hates me, because just as soon as the thought crossed my mind, coach announced that we wouldn’t be swimming.

“What?!” I shouted.

“You got a problem, Taylor?” Coach asked me sternly. I figured the answer he was looking for was “no” and I couldn’t to give it to him, so I just huffed and sat bag against the row behind me, grateful that no one was sitting there.

We spent practice writing essays on the proper behavior of a East Diamond High student athlete. Because of fucking Ryan. The entire team was glaring at him for the next hour and a half.

“I hate you,” I told Ry when coach finally let us leave. “A lot. That was bullshit.”

“Whatever,” Ryan said. “You’ll get over when you see the stereo I got off Colin. I plan on driving the entire neighborhood insane with it. You’ll see, bro, it’s awesome.”

“Unless you plan on giving it to me, I don’t see how the damn thing is going to make up for me not getting any pool time,” I huffed.

“You can swim at school when you’re not at practice,” Ry said. “Just go early tomorrow.”

“Yeah right,” I shot back. He knew as well as anyone that I hated mornings enough as it was.

He laughed. “But look,” he said. “I gotta jet. If you wanna swim just go over to Chloe’s and…shit, you got a pen? I’ll give you Tracy’s number quick.”

“Where are you going,” I asked, pulling off my book bag and giving him a pen and ripping off a piece of an old math assignment. I handed them to him. “Aren’t you grounded?”

“Yeah,” he said, hurriedly scrawling a few numbers on the paper before handing them back. “That’s why I have to hurry. I wanted to stop at the Bon Ton and pick up something for Chloe’s mom’s nursery. Chloe’s trying to save up for it, but I’ve got the cash so I thought…”

I started laughing.

“What?” Ryan snapped.

“Nothing,” I said, walking off. “Figure it out yourself.” He glared at me as I walked away.

It’s no wonder Chloe couldn’t get over her crush on Ry. He was always doing things like that for her. And if I didn’t know him better, I would have thought he liked her back. But if he did…he’d do something about it. He wasn’t exactly the shy type.

It was really too bad he was clueless when it came to the way Chloe felt, because he might actually think about it if he did. But Chloe wasn’t about to say anything and I was sworn to secrecy.

The walk from the school to my house wasn’t a long one but I couldn’t get there quick enough. I had barely gotten any sleep the night before and I was really looking forward to my bed. Yeah, home sounded really good right about then.

I changed my mind when I got there. Shane was sitting on my porch. I really wished I had offered to keep Ry company on his shopping trip.

“Hey,” Shane said, as soon as he saw me. “What’s up?”

“What the fuck are you doing here,” I snapped, ignoring his question.

He shrugged. “You were an ass today,” he said in the tone one would use when talking about the weather. “I came to see what was up.”

“Why?” I asked, and I didn’t give a damn that it had come out sort of whiny.

“Because,” he said, standing up. “I wanted to know why. We were cool yesterday.”

I sighed. “It’s not like we’re friends. We just met. Why do you care?”

Shane grinned. “We could be. I had a good time yesterday.”

His eyes sparkled and I got shivers. Fluttering in my chest. He needed to leave.

“I didn’t,” I lied, trying to glare at him. It didn’t exactly have the desired effect. He laughed. I was getting tired of people laughing at things that I hadn’t meant to be amusing.

“Well, then,” he said, stepping closer to me. “Let’s try again. Maybe you’ll have a good time today.”

I didn’t answer. I really didn’t understand why he wouldn’t give up. We’d known each other for all of twenty four hours. It’s not like I was ending a lifelong friendship.

“Why are you doing this,” I asked aloud. “You don’t even know me.”

He smiled. “That’s why.”

That didn’t make sense at all and I frowned. He just kept smiling.

“Are you going to tell me to leave?” he asked.

I wanted to. I should have. But I didn’t. I pulled out my key and sighed, stepping around him to open the door. I didn’t invite him in verbally but I glance back at him and he followed me in.

“You’re cute when you angry,” he teased and I rolled my eyes.

“Whatever,” I said. “My parents won’t be home for awhile, but if you’re hungry we can eat leftovers or something.”

Shane shook his head. “Nah, I’m good,” he said. “Where’s your mom?”

“Yesterday was her day off,” I responded. “But she has a job. Sometimes, she even goes to it.”

He laughed and it was deep. Throaty. I made a mental note to try not to be funny.

I took of my shoes in the foyer. Not because I had to. I was stalling. I was at a loss for what to do with him.

“We could watch the movie we picked yesterday,” he suggested, apparently on the same train of thought. “We never did get to watch it.”

I sighed and stared at him. I really didn’t get why he was there. I was being an ass to him. He shouldn’t _want_ to be around me.

“Why are you here?” I asked aloud after almost a full minute of staring at him.

He shrugged. “I told you, I wanted to know why you were being such a dick. And I didn’t really have anything else to do.”

“Maybe I just don’t like you,” I snapped, responding to the first part of what he’d said.

My comment did not have the desired effect. He grinned at me. “You just said, we hardly know each other.”

“So?” I shot back, confused as to why that made a difference.

“So, how can you dislike someone you don’t know?”

“It’s possible,” I deadpanned, with a frown. It was possible. He was annoying me right then, and I actually didn’t like him very much.

“Do you want me to leave?” he asked, losing the grin, suddenly taking on a serious expression.

The word ‘yes’ was on the tip of my tongue. It really was. And I _tried_ to say it, but it wouldn’t come out. We stood there in the foyer, in silence, staring at each other while he awaited my answer.

But I couldn’t fucking say ‘yes, I want you to leave’. The words wouldn’t come.

“The Green Mile, right?” I said finally. He grinned at me.

“Yeah,” he said softly. I turned away, leading him up to my room. I’d brought the movie up the night before, planning to watch it without him but I’d never gotten around to it.

No, I’d been busy trying to think up ways to avoid this very situation. What. A fucking. Waste of time.

I put the movie in my DVD player when we got to my room, trying not to think about the fact that he’d closed the door behind him. Trying not to pay attention when he made himself comfortable on my bed. And trying not to think about how _small_ my bed seemed now that I had to find a way to get on it without getting too close to Shane.

I really wished we had picked a shorter movie. I wasn’t sure I could handle being there with him, in my dark room, alone, for more than ten minutes, much less the hours it would take to get through the movie.

It wasn’t that bad though, once we started watching it. It was a good movie and I relaxed as we watched.

I didn’t even mind when Shane started talking twenty minutes into the movie. He wasn’t really talking to _me_. He was just…making comments about the movie as we watched. His commentary had me laughing my ass off. I’d always thought the movie was funny, at certain parts, but for the most part, it was a pretty serious movie.

Not with Shane, though. He had something to say about everything, but it wasn’t annoying, like I would have thought it would be if someone were to talk through a movie. He was sarcastic and…just funny. He pointed out things I’d never noticed before and the movie was quickly becoming one of my favorites.

The movie wasn’t even halfway through the first disc, but I was totally relaxed and thoroughly enjoying myself.

Because…what the hell? Maybe I could never act on my feelings, but what harm could it do to enjoy them? And I was enjoying them. He was close enough that I could smell his cologne and I could hear his voice even though he was talking pretty low. The shivers that his voice sent through my body didn’t happen as often but they still made an appearance every now and then.

And I liked it. Fuck Tracy Marks. Yeah, having a girlfriend would probably keep my father from suspecting, but as long as I was careful, no one would ever find out. And yeah, Shane was definitely _tempting_ but my fear of rejection would keep me from doing anything stupid. I just had to be careful.

“Don’t you think it’s kind of fucked up? Shane asked. He’d be talking almost the whole time, but he hadn’t really been directing any of his comments at me, even if they were for my benefit.

“What is?” I asked, turning my head a little to face him. We were sitting at the head of my bed with our backs against the wall and when I turned, it brought my face just a little to close to his.

_Careful,_ I reminded myself and turned back to the movie waiting for him to answer.

“They just use the guy,” Shane replied, staring at the screen. “They use him to fix all their little problems and then send him off to the chair. Not cool.”

“No,” I agreed, nodding even though he wasn’t looking at me. “But Tom Hanks offers to let him go. He just doesn’t want to. He said he was tired.”

Shane nodded, but he didn’t say anything. He seemed lost in thought, though, he could have just been watching the movie.

“I get that,” I said, suddenly, and immediately wished I could take it back.

He turned to face me.

“What?” I could feel his breath ghost warm across my cheek and I leaned away, slowly, trying not to be obvious.

“I mean,” I said, swallowing. “I just meant that I get what it’s like to be tired, you know? Like, I get what it’s like to wish you could just…rest,” I paused, realizing how that sounded and understanding the frown on his face. My eyes widened and I quickly added, “I’m not saying I’d take the chair. Just that I get the ‘tired thing’.”

He studied me for a minute longer before turning back to the screen.

“Me too,” he said. I knew what it was that made me tired but I found myself wondering about him. I had that feeling like I wanted to know him again, but I didn’t ask the question. I was afraid he’d want me to answer as well.

We watched the rest of the first disc in silence, but it wasn’t uncomfortable. I was enjoying the movie and the feeling of Shane next to me. He didn’t speak again until I switched the discs.

His words had shocked the hell out of me. But not in a bad way. Just…I wasn’t expecting it.

I’d knocked a picture frame off the night stand next to my bed, when I threw the remote onto the stand because I didn’t trust myself to lean over Shane to set it down.

I could have just asked him to do it, but I never do things the easy way.

He picked up the frame though and set it back in its place, studying it. It was one of me, Ry, and Chloe taken the summer before at Chloe’s birthday.

“Are you dating her,” Shane asked and I couldn’t have stopped the shocked laughter that escaped me. It wasn’t a question I heard very often either. Everybody that knew me, knew that Chloe and I couldn’t have been more like family if we shared the same blood. But Shane didn’t know me.

I just wanted him to. Which is probably why I offered him more than a simple ‘no’ in response.

“Nah,” I replied, smiling. “She’s…I don’t know. I could never think of Chloe that way.” _And not just because she’s a girl,_ I added silently. “I’ve known her since we were young enough to bathe together. I’ve got the pictures to prove it. She’s…my sister.” I nodded as I said it.

“And him?” Shane asked, picking the frame back up off the nightstand. “What about him?”

That had me laughing too. “She wishes,” I said and it didn’t even occur to me that I’d never actually told anyone about Chloe’s secret crush before. I wasn’t entirely sure why I was telling him. He seemed interested enough though. “She’s liked him forever,” I added.

Shane smiled at me, cocking an eyebrow. “That’s…not exactly what I meant.”

“What did you mean, then?” He was by far the most confusing person I’d ever met, but I wasn’t annoyed. Just curious as to what he _did_ mean.

Unfortunately, he wouldn’t say. He just shook his head, slowly, giving me a small smile and saying, “Never mind,” as he put the picture back.

I shrugged. “What about you and Caydence,” I asked and I was proud of myself when the question came out innocently enough. I was far more interested that I was letting on.

“Oh,” he said, and his eyes lit up when he smiled right then. I looked away, swallowing, moving away from him another inch. Just in case.

“Yeah, we dated,” he said with a shrug. “It didn’t last.”

The way his eyes lit up, I’d expected him to be at least a little disappointed but he was still grinning.

“She broke it off,” he said, with a laugh. “She came barging into my room and told me that _I_ didn’t want to be with _her_ and that I was breaking up with her, but we could still be friends if I gave her a little time to get over the fact that I broke up with her so abruptly.”

There was a fondness in his laughter that kept me from cracking up too bad. It made it seem less like he was joking. Also, I could actually see Caydence doing something like that and I didn’t even know her that well. She was just…unique. I figured out that much when she’d told a random dog walker with a misbehaving puppy at the park that he should not be calling his dog ‘Cookies’ because it was degrading and that the name ‘Toby’ was much better.

I’d thought it was a joke at first. I thought maybe she knew the guy and was just messing with him. I found out how wrong I was when he looked at her like she’d just said that the earth was about to open up and swallow him whole and he backed away slowly.

I didn’t think she was a freak or anything…but it did give me a clue as to why a girl as pretty as Caydence didn’t really have very many friends.

“That was in seventh grade,” Shane went on, pulling my attention back to him. “I’m still not over her.”

I laughed at that, but I couldn’t tell whether he was serious or not. He said it like he was kidding but I couldn’t really be sure with Shane.

If nothing else though, the comment pretty much answered the question of whether or not Shane was straight before I’d even had a chance to really wonder about it. I never really thought about it, but if I had, I would have guessed he was straight. Now, I was sure he was.

Until he spoke again.

“So,” he leered at me. Yes, leered. He also leaned closer—much closer and because of the pesky wall on the other side of me, I had nowhere to go. “ _Do_ you have a girlfriend. Or whatever.”

I hated the way he said that. _Or whatever?_ What the hell was that supposed to mean?

He could have been teasing me…in fact, it was exactly the sort of thing Ryan would do, though Ryan knew the answer to that particular question and wouldn’t ask it.

Only, when Ryan did something similar—when Ry teased me like that— my heart never pounded against my chest like it was suddenly too hot inside my body and it needed to get out. Having Ryan that close never made me feel dizzy, and I was pretty sure I’d never found Ryan’s lips quite as interesting as I seemed to find Shane’s at that moment.

And thank God Shane didn’t stay close for long, because I was doing crazy things like letting my eyes drift shut and leaning forward.

Shit. I really could _not_ trust myself around him. I actually swallowed audibly before I answered.

“No,” I said, finally answering his question and frowning, but not at him. At me. I moved further away from him, pressing myself as close to the wall as I could get. I wasn’t at all subtle about it either, but Shane didn’t say anything.

The silence that surrounded us was definitely the uncomfortable kind. I hated it. I hated that he’d asked that stupid fucking question and I hated the tone that he’d asked it in. I hated the way he seemed to know…

“You’re paranoid,” he said, breaking into my thoughts. I hated him for that too.

“What?” I asked, and wondered again whether I’d voiced my thoughts without knowing it.

Shane shrugged. “You’re fidgeting,” he said gesturing to where I was playing with the hole in the knee of my jeans.

“That doesn’t mean I’m paranoid,” I shot back. I was definitely rethinking my plan to just enjoy Shane and what he did to me. And not just because I’d almost done something monumentally stupid.

“Is this about the rumors?” he asked. The playful smile that I’d grown so accustomed to was gone. He was frowning at me and not in the thoughtful, studying way that he’d been frowning at me lately. He looked annoyed.

Which was stupid because he was the one being annoying.

“What rumors?” I snapped. He really needed to stop jumping topics.

“You know what rumors,” he said, glaring.

I really didn’t. I think the confused look on my face clued him in to that little fact.

“Oh,” he said and the glare disappeared just as quickly as it came. “Never mind,” he went on. “Just…chill, okay. I’m not going to do anything.”

“What?” I was so fucking lost.

Shane sighed. “Just…if you hear anything. I…I’m not trying…I’m just not going to _do_ anything.”

I still had no idea what he was going on about. He wasn’t making any sense and I watched him, expectantly, waiting for him to explain.

He didn’t.

“I like quesadilla’s,” he said with a thoughtful grin, looking off into the air in front of him.

“What?!” I shouted again, exasperated. I was going to hit him. Hard. I don’t think I’d ever been so confused while having a conversation in my life and I had once talked to Chloe about physics. This was worse. Way worse.

“I like quesadilla’s” he repeated, looking at me. “Do you?”

“What,” I said, through gritted teeth. “What the fuck does that have to do with anything?”

He started laughing but quieted when he seen how amused I really _wasn’t_. “Just…do you wanna go and get some?” he asked, obviously still amused at how frustrated I was. “Quesadilla’s, I mean,” he added before I could ask. “I’m hungry.”

“Oh,” I said, letting out a sigh. For a second, I was just happy that I had finally caught up to him and it felt good actually understanding the conversation we were having. I was actually hungry, now that he mentioned it. “We can make some,” I offered, looking at him.

He smiled and hopped up from the bed, reaching out a hand to help me after him. I didn’t really need it but I took it anyway. It actually shocked me to find that his hands were cold, I expected them to be warm. He seemed like…just a warm kind of guy, though I wondered vaguely when I’d had time to think about his body temperature.

“Let’s get to it, then,” he said, and the fact that he looked excited had me grinning as I followed him out of my room and down the stairs toward the kitchen.

It occurred to me, as we entered the kitchen that we’d been talking about something before he distracted me with food. I just couldn’t remember what it was. And the fact that I hadn’t understood a word he was saying when we were _having_ the conversation wasn’t really helping when it came to remembering. Still, it bothered me.

“So,” Shane said, opening my refrigerator. “How do you think one would go about making a quesadilla?” He was all business as he rummaged through my fridge like he did it all the time. “Can’t be too hard. Cheese. Tortillas. And…stuff.

I laughed, joining him. His mood was catching and I was actually excited. About making fucking quesadilla’s.

Shane just smiled at me. “Do you, like, have a cookbook or something?”

I laughed again. Maybe keeping Shane around wouldn’t be the most horrible decision I’d ever made in my life.


	3. Chapter 3

Sandwiches. That’s what we ended up eating after I burned my fourth attempt at a quesadilla and set my kitchen stove on fire.

“Did you know that was possible? I didn’t,” I said through a mouth full of turkey. Turkey sandwiches had always been good to me. They were quick and easy. I was also pretty sure that it was impossible for them to catch fire. Yeah, turkey sandwiches were definitely the way to go.

“I _told_ you to turn the stove down,” Shane grumbled, slouching in his seat at my dining room table. “I told you that after you burnt the first one. And what kind of family doesn’t own a microwave? It’s not right.”

I laughed, deciding that Shane was definitely easier to be around when he was pouting.

“We can still go to Taco Bell,” I offered, smiling. Shane didn’t smile back.

“Taco Bell can kiss my ass,” he muttered, taking a bite of his peanut butter and jelly, which, by the way, also does not catch on fire.

Amazing things, sandwiches.

“Hey,” I said, kicking his foot under the table. “Suck it up. If you want, I’ll con my mom into cooking something when she gets here.”

“Nah,” Shane said, stuffing the rest of his sandwich into his mouth. “’S Cool. ‘M Good.”

I smiled. I’d been doing that a lot, smiling. Fortunately, though, he’d been to busy pouting over his food to notice it.

Until now. He looked up at me, seeing my smile, but he didn’t ask me _why_ I was smiling or what I was looking at. He just smiled back, blue eyes sparkling.

I turned away from him quick. I was trying to relax, I really was. I mean, if I stayed as tense as I’d been earlier that day, it wouldn’t be long before Shane figured me out, so yeah, I was _trying_ to relax.

But I couldn’t hold his gaze. I couldn’t look at him while he was smiling at me. I couldn’t trust myself to behave when he was smiling at me like that.

It was _my_ fault when things got tense and I knew it. I was thinking too much. I was snapping on Shane for the same things that Ry did every day, all because, when coming from _Shane_ , they made me feel…dizzy. They made me want him.

And I couldn’t want him, not like that. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted to be normal enough to be his friend and not picture him in his Speedos every time he stretched. Shit like that never happened with Ry. I mean, Ryan could smile at me all he wanted and my stomach never flipped the way it did when Shane smiled. It was such a weird feeling; like being in an elevator that suddenly dropped a couple stories too quick. Only, maybe not, because I doubt I’d actually _like_ being in a freefalling elevator, but I liked the stomach flop. It was…nice.

I needed to watch myself. If I let myself get too caught up in Shane, I knew I’d slip. I’d slip and do something monumentally stupid and then Shane would run away, stop speaking to me and tell the world about the little _queer_ he’d tried to befriend and my life…wouldn’t be my life anymore. I couldn’t handle that.

I liked things the way they were. I had _good_ friends and I was well liked. I even liked my ridiculously insane parents. I couldn’t lose it all because somewhere along the line, I’d gone crazy and started…looking, and dreaming and…God, who knows. I needed to fix things. I couldn’t let my little secret fuck everything up.

But Shane’s smile…was the type that would make it _easy_ to do just that. Fuck everything up. Every time he smiled at me, I forgot myself for a second and I _wanted_ to lean closer. I wanted to get lost in his eyes. I just stopped thinking.

Since I need my brain in full working order to avoid disaster, I just _couldn’t_ look at him while he was smiling at me like that.

I got up and gathered our dishes, not even bothering to finish my sandwich.

“Why do you do that?” Shane asked when I left the dining room, taking both of our plates to the kitchen.

“Do what?” I asked over my shoulder, though, I had a good idea what he was talking about. Playing stupid just bought me the time I needed to think up some convincing bullshit.

“I don’t know,” Shane said, and his voice was much closer than I’d expected it to be. He’d followed me into the kitchen. “It’s like, you’re trying _not_ to have a good time.”

Well, wasn’t he a perceptive little fucker.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” I said, shrugging. I was surprised at how casual my voice was.

“Like,” Shane went on,” you’ll be smiling and laughing one second…and then you’ll stop and back away, like you just remembered that you’re not supposed to like me.”

“I _don’t_ like you,” I shot back defensively.

Yeah, _that_ wasn’t _totally_ obvious. It occurred to me that this—things like this—might be why it sometimes seemed like Shane could read my mind. I wasn’t exactly good with hiding things.

“Right,” Shane said slowly, looking at me with wide eyes. He looked completely taken aback. “Sorry,” he said. “Uhm, I’ll just…I’m gonna go. Sorry. I thought…right. Leaving.”

“No.” Yeah, I stopped him. I shouldn’t have. A smart person would have let him leave. A smart person would have realized that becoming friends with Shane would definitely fuck up my, oh, so wonderful ‘plans’ to be straight. A smart person would have said ‘good riddance’ and got on with their life.

I am just so clearly not a smart person. But I didn’t want him to go. I wanted to be his friend. I wanted him to stick around until I _could_ be his friend.

“I’m sorry,” I said, sighing. “I didn’t mean…I just didn’t mean that the way it came out.”

I expected him to come back, tell me it was okay and maybe start in with the teasing again. He didn’t. He just stared at me and the kitchen was enveloped in a silence that I can only describe as _suffocating_.

It seemed like forever before he said anything.

“What was your problem this morning?”

Definitely not what I was expecting, but nothing with Shane ever was.

“I don’t know,” I lied. “It was nothing. I’m just not a morning person.” It seemed like a really good, believable lie.

“What about this afternoon, then?”

Okay, maybe not that believable.

I shrugged. “I’ve got issues,” I said, frowning because that was probably the most honest thing I’d said all day, and I hated it.

Shane nodded slowly, taking a step in my direction. “I noticed.”

Harsh. I probably deserved it, but seriously? Harsh. I’m just sayin’.

“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked coming closer still.

“No,” I said immediately. I was almost offended he’d even ask.

“Right,” he said, “of course not.” The corner of his mouth twitched into that smirk that was quickly becoming all too familiar.

There was another silence and everything was awkward again. And tense. I hated it. I hated everything, at the moment.

I didn’t get it. I didn’t get why Shane, who I hadn’t known long at all could make me feel things that I’d never felt before. I didn’t get why it was so difficult for me to just relax and try to be his _friend_ like a fucking normal person. It wasn’t like he was all that special. Cute? Sure. Funny? Definitely, but I’d met lots of cute funny boys before. I may have even… _thought_ about them during…private time.

None of them ever made me feel like this, though. I could forget about the others with no problem and I never had any problems avoiding them—telling _them_ to fuck off. Why the hell was it different with Shane?

“You need to relax, bro,” Shane said. He was close. He was leaning against the counter right in front of me. And just…yeah. Really close.

Relax? Yeah, right.

“I know,” I said and racked my brain for some sort of excuse for the fact that I _wasn’t_ relaxed in the first place. “I’m just…not good with new people,” I continued. “I’ve had the same friends since the third grade.”

I’d pulled the words right out of my ass, and I was surprised when I heard them come out of my mouth. They were even kind of true. I _wasn’t_ good with new people. That just wasn’t the real reason I couldn’t relax with him. Not the whole reason, anyway.

“I get that,” Shane nodded, smiling.

“Right,” I said, not even trying to keep the skepticism out of my tone. He just really didn’t seem the type that had trouble meeting new people. He struck me as the type of person that could strike up and carry a conversation with just about anyone.

“It’s true,” he insisted laughing. “I hate most new people.”

I cocked an eyebrow at him. “Oh, sure,” I said. “That’s why you’ve been stalking me since we met. Because you hate meeting new people.”

“ _Stalking_ you?” He looked seriously offended.

“Well, yeah,” I said, shrugging. “You keep showing up, uninvited.”

His eyes were impossibly wide. “I offered you a ride,” he said in a high pitch tone I hadn’t thought him capable of. “ _I_ thought we were cool. I was just trying to be a friend.”

He was calling me an asshole with his eyes. I could almost hear it.

“What about this afternoon, then?” I asked, throwing one of his earlier questions back at him. It didn’t exactly work out like I’d planned.

He grinned, chuckling softly. “I wasn’t planning on staying,” he started, softly. “I just wanted to see what your problem was this morning. I thought maybe you just didn’t want to be seen with me in school…because of…” he paused, his brow furrowing. “Whatever. I was going to tell you that you could fuck yourself. But then you were _still_ being a dick and I thought I may have done something…I still wasn’t going to stay, but…you didn’t ask me to leave. You confuse the hell out of me, you know?”

The feeling was definitely mutual.

He snorted before adding, “And you have more mood swings than my pregnant mother.”

“I do _not_ have mood swings,” I argued and it was true. I didn’t usually have mood swings. He brought that out in me.

Shane just grinned at me. “I really do have to go. Are you going to have another bitch fit if I come pick you up for school tomorrow?”

Bitch fit? I resented that.

“No,” I muttered and headed toward the living room, nodding for him to follow me. “It wasn’t a bitch fit; I was just…shut up.” He was laughing at me again.

“All right,” he said, as I opened the door for him. “I’ll be here.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I met Ryan Lucas when I was eight years old. He was the kid that could push the tire swing the best and I was the one stupid enough to jump off while it was spinning and swinging when it was my turn. I ended up getting one hell of a bloody nose and a busted lip and Ryan was terrified I’d run and tell a teacher on him. I didn’t do anything to reassure him. I wouldn’t even talk to him. I didn’t care that the whole thing was basically my fault; I was still pissed at him. But when Mrs. Bailey asked what happened to my face…I told her I fell of the monkey bars.

Ryan and I have been friends ever since.

And, yeah, Ry could be an ass sometimes. He hated most everyone that wasn’t me or Chloe and he was a dick to even us on the best of days, but whenever I needed him, he was always there. He could be completely pissed at me, but if he thought I needed him, he was always there.

So, when he called me and told me that I needed to come over to his house _now_ , I didn’t think twice before hauling ass to get to him, not even bothering to leave my parents a note to let them know where I’d be. He was always there for me, but I rarely had a chance to return the favor. I ran almost the whole way to his house.

You would think that after eight years, I’d be comfortable using his front door to get into Ryan’s house.

I wasn’t. His dad really freaked me out. The man _never_ smiled. Ever. I was sure of it. I swear Mr. Lucas’ face froze as a child when he was in the middle of taking a shit. He always had this look on his face like he was concentrating on something _really_ hard. And every time I rang his doorbell, he gave me the third degree. I don’t think my own parents asked me as many questions about school as he did.

So, no, I wasn’t comfortable entering through the front door. I hadn’t used the front door since seventh grade.

“You need a latter or something, bro,” I said climbing through his window. “I’m getting to old for this shit.”

Ryan rolled his eyes from where he was sitting at in his computer chair, staring at the blank computer screen. I didn’t actually _see_ him roll his eyes, but I could almost hear it in his tone.

“I was there when Chloe tried to get you on a rollercoaster,” he retorted with a short laugh. “I _know_ you’re afraid of heights. Also, there’s a rule that says you can’t use that line until you’ve reached puberty.”

“Bite me, Lucas,” I said, shooting him the finger as I threw myself onto his bed. “Next time you want something, you can come to my house.”

I didn’t mean it, and he knew it. I’d be there if just as quick the next time he called. Still, I wondered what the hell had been so urgent. It didn’t seem like there was anything wrong with him.

“I’m grounded,” he stated, flatly before I could ask.

“So?” I said. Ryan got grounded all of the time. Actually, I wasn’t even sure if he knew what it was like to _not_ be grounded.

“He’s serious this time,” Ryan said, still staring at his computer screen. It wouldn’t have been as weird if his computer was _on_ but it wasn’t.

“What’d you want, then?” I asked.

Ryan shrugged. “Company?” he laughed. “I didn’t feel like being grounded alone. I’m going crazy, dude. Dad took my flat screen.”

That didn’t surprise me. Ryan’s dad had given him the television as a reward for being on the school paper. It made sense to take it away because Ry got kicked off. I didn’t say that though. Even if I _did_ actually like Ry’s dad, I was on Ry’s side by default.

“That blows,” I said, exactly like I was supposed to, though, I was a little pissed that he actually expected me to help him through his punishment when I hadn’t even been involved in the crime, for once.

Ry nodded, finally swiveling around in his chair to face me. I was grateful for it. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not the type of person that can’t have a conversation without eye contact, but the whole ‘staring at a blank screen’ thing was freaking me out.

It only took a brief look at him to see that his eyes were red, but that’s just not the sort of thing that you mention. I’m pretty sure there’s a code somewhere that says friends are not supposed to call attention to the crying thing. We are sworn to ignore tears and any evidence of them and act like it’s not happening. Or something.

I was pretty sure Ry wouldn’t have let me see it if he didn’t want me to know that something a little more serious than he was saying had happened, and he didn’t want to talk about it. So I didn’t bring it up.

“I called Chloe, too,” Ry said. “You guys can be bored with me.”

“Why didn’t you call Colin,” I said. “Why should Chloe and I have to suffer with you? We didn’t even know what you were going to do.” I wasn’t jealous. I wasn’t bitter, either. Teasing him just seemed like the right thing to do. It was something that we always did when we knew the other was upset. We teased each other until we forgot about everything else. I’d tried the same thing with Chloe once in fifth grade when she’d tried to cry on my shoulder and she stopped speaking to me for a week. But it worked with Ry.

I grabbed a ball from his nightstand and tossed it at his head.

“Shut up, Jake,” he said, catching the ball and immediately throwing it back, like we’d been playing a game of catch and I hadn’t just tried to hit him in the head with a baseball. “Don’t act like it’s such a hassle being here. What else do you have to do?”

I resented that. A lot. Dickhead. But letting him verbally abuse me seemed like a small price to pay for getting rid of the red eyes.

Ryan was smirking at me. “You’d probably be sitting at home with your pants down, trying your damnedest to grow a pair so you could actually dial Tracy’s number. I saved you, dude, admit it.”

I wanted to hit him. Hard. Partly because it was true—I probably wouldn’t have had the guts to call her—and partly, because I’d forgotten all about Tracy. Which was just bad for so many reasons.

I wasn’t about to admit any of that to Ryan, though and I didn’t know how to respond. Tackling him seemed like a good idea. I stood up, on the verge of doing just that when he spoke again.

“He’s being a prick,” he said suddenly, with a forced laugh that probably would have sounded normal if I didn’t know him so well. He was upset and I remembered why I was there in the first place. Because Ry needed me. I sat back down to listen. I didn’t need to ask who he was talking about.

“He wants me to go see my mother,” Ry went on, chuckling the way he always did when he was saying something that really wasn’t at all funny. “I swear, he thinks her headstone has some sort of mystical power. He’s just…he’s being a dick. He said—well that part doesn’t matter; the point is... you’re my friend. That means it’s your job to sit here and be pissed off with me. There’s a saying about misery and company. You know the one.”

He was laughing when he said it and this would normally be the part where I’d agree with him, laugh and make a joke about his father’s comb over or something, but I kind of wanted to ask what his dad had done or said to make him so upset. Ryan didn’t really cry… _ever_. I was curious as to what pushed him over the edge.

But like I said, Ry? I’d known him for eight years. I knew when it was time for a subject change

“How’d it go with, Michelle?” I asked, feigning curiosity. I already knew the answer to that question, but I didn’t know Ry’s side of the story. Ry’s date with Michelle had been over a week ago and it’d gone horribly. Colin told me and I’d heard the story from about a half a dozen bitching girls that thought it’d be a good idea to bitch at me about Ry’s shortcomings, like I could actually do something about it. I couldn’t. Ry did what he wanted. Nobody told him what to do. Besides, I didn’t really think he had very many shortcomings. He was just different. A little hard to understand.

“It went,” he said simply, smiling gratefully at me. “She refused to eat anything from the theatre and made sure she told me how unhealthy everything that _I_ had was. Dude, I swear, if I ever hear another fun calorie fact, I’m gonna find someplace high and jump,” he laughed, shaking his head. “Plus, she talked through the whole movie. It was fucking annoying.”

I smiled. “It’s not that bad,” I said without thinking.

Ryan smirked at me, eyes widening. “You and Caydence? I forgot to ask what happened with that.” He laughed. “Can’t have been too great. Not if you asked me for Tracy’s number. Unless you’re turning into some kind of man whore.”

“Huh?” I asked. What the fuck did Caydence have to do with anything? And can I just say; man whore? Definitely not. I was about as far as you could possibly get from man whore. I hated it, but ‘prude’ was probably much more accurate.

“Caydence Martell,” Ryan prompted, sliding his chair closer to the bed. “You left school with her yesterday. Is she the one you took to a movie?”

“I never said I took anyone to a movie.” This was like, the third conversation I’d been completely lost for in that day alone. I really wished people would stop jumping topics so quickly.

Ry was frowning. “You said ‘it’s not that bad’” he reminded me. “How do you know? I mean…I _know_ Chloe doesn’t talk during movies…and you don’t really hang out with anyone else away from school. And it’s definitely too early to be Tracy. So who were you watching movies with? Was it Caydence?”

Oh. Well, fuck.

“No,” I answered hesitantly. I suppose I could have lied and said it was Caydence but Ry was exactly the type of person that would hunt her down and ask her how it was or what she thought of me. I couldn’t tell him the truth either, though. He’d _know_.

Yes, I’m fully aware of how ridiculous that is. It’s just…Ryan had assumed that it was a _girl_. I was afraid he’d _suspect_ if I told him it was a boy.

“Who was it, then?” he asked, looking expectant.

“Uhm…”

I was extremely grateful when the door opened and Chloe walked in. Her timing was always wonderful.

Unlike me, Chloe had never been afraid to use the front door. Probably because Mr. Lucas loved her. It’s the brains thing, I think. Mr. Lucas teaches at the local university and Chloe wasn’t exactly short on brain power.

“I love your dad, Ry,” Chloe said flopping down at the end of the bed. She actually lifted my legs and sat under them. It was comfortable enough, though, so I didn’t really feel the need to try and kick her away. I almost reconsidered, though, when Ry frowned and turned back around to stare at the blank screen again.

It obviously wasn’t a good time to love Mr. Lucas. At least, it wasn’t a good time to _say_ it. I frowned at Chloe.

“You love everyone that gives you cookies,” I said, noting the plastic container in her hands.

Chloe narrowed her green eyes at me for a second before laughing. “True,” she said, shrugging. She popped the lid off and handed them to me after taking one for herself. “So, what are we doing? Are we going somewhere?”

“I’m grounded,” Ry answered, shaking his head. “You’re lucky my dad let you in the front door. I told you to use the window.”

“That’s stupid,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes at him. “If he didn’t want you to have company, he’d put bars over your window. He knows that’s how Jake gets in here.” She turned to look at me. “He even knows you’re here _now_. He said to tell you congratulations, by the way.”

I shrugged. “Who cares,” I said, with an expression that I hoped looked dismissive. I’m the loyal type. And I didn’t miss the grin Ryan shot over his shoulder at me.

Chloe frowned at me, but didn’t comment. She turned to Ryan. “So, let’s go somewhere.”

“ _You’re_ encouraging him to break the rules?” I asked, laughing. “Oh, god. The world’s ending, isn’t it? We’re all going to die.”

Chloe punched me. I really thought the hitting thing was supposed to be something that guys did but Chloe abused me far more than Ry. I was going to have a bruise after that last one.

“Shut up,” she said. “You’re the square, not me. Besides, Ryan’s never _really_ grounded, right Ry?”

Ry’s face was scrunched up, when he turned back around to face us. I wanted to tell him to stop making that face before he ended up like his dad, but I caught myself.

“He took my flat screen,” Ry said simply in response to Chloe’s question as if that explained everything.

“So?” Chloe said, bemused. “That doesn’t mean anything. He’s taken things before. Doesn’t mean you can’t leave.”

Ry just sighed.

“We’re wallowing in self pity, Chlo,” I informed her, when Ryan didn’t answer. “We don’t want to go anywhere; we just want to sit here and be miserable and maybe talk about the many girls Ryan’s wooed in the past month. Catch up.”

I moved before Chloe’s punch landed. Ha.

“Missed,” I said, grinning.

Chloe rolled her eyes at me and pulled my legs back into her lap.

“Whatever,” she shrugged. “Who’s the unlucky girl this week?” she asked, curiously.

I had no idea how she did that. I mean, with her crush on Ry, you would think that this would be a topic she avoided, but she never did. She never even seemed upset about it. She even laughed along with us when we went over Ry’s dates and she’d actually given Ry advice more than a few times. It was weird.

“I resent that,” Ry said, but his tone was light. Amused. He stood up and came over to join us on the bed, literally climbing over me to sit against the wall. “Anyway,” he added once he was comfortable. “We weren’t talking about my girls anyway. We were talking about Jake’s.”

Shit. I’d forgotten about that.

“No,” I protested feebly. “We were talking about Michelle.”

“Michelle?” Chloe’s eyes widened. “What happened to Kyler? I _liked_ Kyler.”

Ry ignored her. “No,” he shot right back at me, grinning. “We were talking about Caydence.” He turned to Chloe. “Jake left school with her yesterday. And, apparently, took her to a movie.”

Chloe frowned. “I thought you were with Shane yesterday,” she said, looking confused. “I thought you said Caydence begged off. And…you were with him today too, right? I thought I saw him walk into your house with you.”

I hated her so much right then. Or maybe I hated Ryan.

Or maybe, I hated _me_.

I really don’t know why I was so dead set against telling them anything about Shane. I just was. I definitely wasn’t the best liar around and I was sure if I said anything about Shane…I’d end up saying _everything_. So, obviously it was best not to say anything at all.

Except…Chloe and Ryan were both looking at me with matching looks that ranged somewhere between expectant and confused and I had to say _something_.

“Uhm…” was about all I could think of. Brilliant, right?

“’Uhm’ what?” Chloe pressed.

My face was burning. And I don’t think I’d ever been so uncomfortable around my two best friends in all the time I’d known them.

But Ry laughed suddenly. “Chill, dude,” he said, grinning at me. “It’s not gonna kill your rep to admit that you were watching a movie with that loser instead of a hot girl. It’s not going to do anything to your reputation at all because it’s exactly what we would have expected from you, bro. We never thought you were a stud in the first place.”

Stud? Who says stud? Also, loser? It was one of the last words I’d used to describe Shane. Well…if I were being honest, it was one of the last words I’d use. But I let it go, relieved that he didn’t think there was anything weird going on with Shane and I.

I was overreacting. Paranoid. Obviously. I’m good at those sorts of things.

I just shot Ry my favorite finger and glared at him. “Asshole,” I muttered. “Just because I haven’t dated as many girls as you—”

“ _Any_ girls,” he corrected me, smirking. “And that game of Truth or Dare where you got to kiss Tonya—which, by the way, I hate you for—does not count. And neither does Chloe.”

“What?!” Chloe and I said at the same time. It totally counted. I mean…it was in sixth grade and I only kissed her once and it ended horribly but it counted. It counted because, for a solid week, I told everyone who would listen that Chloe was my girlfriend and Chloe _let_ me. It most definitely counted.

“It doesn’t count,” Ry reiterated, throwing his hands up. “Chloe’s not a _real_ girl, she’s Chloe.”

Chloe didn’t even flinch. I did. If it were me that said something like that there would have been no place to hide. You wouldn’t think so, because she’s _tiny_ but Chloe could inflict some damage when she wanted to.

Ry totally got off scot-free though. Or…almost.

“Shut up, ass wipe,” Chloe said, bored. “I meet all the girl requirements. And I’ll traumatize you and drop my pants right now to prove it. See how you like _that_.”

Ry’s responding grin was almost feral. “I can’t say I’d have a problem with that. I want to…but I can’t.”

I laughed. Chloe didn’t. She actually blushed. It was weird. When Ry was insulting her or talking about other girls, she took it all in stride, but the second he starts almost flirting with her, she goes all shy? Weird.

“Shut up,” Chloe repeated, quietly before taking a breath and rolling her eyes. “Are you going to tell me what happened with Kyler or not? Why’d you have to fuck that up? She was my favorite.”

Yeah. Chloe makes absolutely no sense whatsoever sometimes.

Ry shrugged. “Her time of the month lasted the entire month,” he said.

Chloe actually growled. “Jesus, Ry, you are such a dick. There’s a reason you never have a girlfriend for long, you know. And it’s not because you just too much guy for one girl to have all to herself, like you go around telling everyone. I know your secret. You’re an ass and nobody can put up with you for long.”

I had no idea where that little outburst came from. Chloe _never_ freaked out, or threw fits. That was my job. I think I was actually a little bit afraid of her, right then. The room went silent for a second while Ry and I stared at her. I wondered vaguely if it was _her_ time of the month but my momma didn’t raise no fool and I kept my mouth shut and didn’t ask. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know anyway.

“ _You_ put up with me,” Ryan said eventually moving to sit next to Chloe. He was making his ‘I’m totally sucking up’ face. Both Chloe and I could see right through it. It still worked on both of us every fucking time. “You and Jake have put up with me for a lot longer than a week,” he added.

“Yeah,” Chloe said sounding exasperated. “Well, I’m special and Jake’s stupid.”

“Hey!” What the fuck did I do to deserve such hostility? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

“She’s right, bro,” Ry said, and he patted my leg sympathetically. “We’re here for you, though.”

I laughed. Chloe laughed. And even though things were tense not two seconds before, everything was okay. Chloe started talking about her mom and the baby, and I told her about not getting to swim that day, and she scolded Ryan, and we all laughed about it.

We even talked about Shane. Not much, but Ry did want to know why I was suddenly hanging out with the guy that’d humiliated him freshman year. I actually told him Shane was alright. I actually talked about him. I didn’t tell them much…I couldn’t have, not without giving away my secret, but I told them some. And we laughed about the way I had no idea who he was when I first met him. We laughed about Ry’s dad, and how Chloe’s mom had a crying fit when she couldn’t fit her foot into her favorite slippers.

We all scrunched ourselves on to Ry’s bed, limbs overlapping, elbows bumping and we talked. We could go on for hours when we got like that, talking about absolutely nothing in particular, and _everything_ at the same time.

“No, I need to be able to grab the toilet paper from _underneath_.” This from Ry and he said it like it was the most essential thing in the world. And right then, despite how fucking stupid, the topic of conversation was, it _seemed_ just as important as he’d made it sound.

And when Chloe disagreed with him and said it was easier to rip toilet paper from the top, I actually took the time to think about which way _I_ preferred. It seemed imperative that I have an opinion on the subject. I was, after all, the tie breaker.

I loved them both. I’d known them for forever and I really couldn’t imagine my life without them. They were worth the trouble I’d have to go through to ‘fix’ my little problem.

They were worth it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I once read that if you tell yourself something enough times, or hear something enough times, you’ll start to believe it. Eventually, what you’re telling yourself will become fact.

I want to let you all know right now, that is ten different kinds of bullshit. It doesn’t work. Don’t waste your time. Thank you for your time.

No matter how many times I told myself that I didn’t want anymore than friendship from Shane, I still caught myself staring at his lips far more than was necessary, and I _might_ have hung behind in the locker room once or twice to catch a glimpse of certain parts of him that I’d yet to see.

Both times, I ran out before he dropped his pants. Speedos keep no secrets, you know.

Obviously, telling myself I didn’t want him wasn’t working.

I tried to tell myself I was straight, instead. I almost believed it too. Then Shane fucked it all up, by calling me. Just to say hi.

I’d thought that things would get better with time. I wanted him around and I’d thought that eventually I’d get used to Shane, the way that I was used to Ryan, and he wouldn’t have any effect on me anymore. I was so wrong it’s not even funny.

After a week, it was almost like I was addicted to him. I actually went looking for him at school when I wasn’t with Ry and Chloe. I looked up his number for fuck’s sake. I _wanted_ him around. I couldn’t fucking stop wanting him around.

I laughed more when he was around. I was warmer. I liked…learning about him. I even learned how to have a normal conversation with him and I liked the things we talked about. I was almost content when I wasn’t beating myself up for the feelings I was having. And I’d started doing stupid, crazy things, like wonder what it’d be like if Shane liked me the way that I liked him. Or what it’d be like to touch. Kiss. Hold.

Do you know what it means to be royally _fucked_? Because I do.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shane was excruciatingly stubborn. It was one of the things I’d learned about him in the two weeks that I’d known him. He was the most stubborn person I’d ever met.

“You’re doing it wrong,” I told him for what seemed like the millionth time in the past hour. My mother had asked me to put her new weed whacker together and Shane had offered to help me put it together when I took it out to the back yard. ‘Help’ was definitely not what he was doing. He wouldn’t even let me touch the damn thing.

“I’ll get it,” he snapped, annoyed. His forehead glistened with sweat and it wasn’t hard to see that he was frustrated. He was chewing on his lower lip, almost violently.

I sighed. “I’ve done it before,” I informed him, staring down at him. “I could help you.”

“I said I’d do it,” he responded, without looking up at me. “Just…go somewhere else and stop distracting me.”

“I live here,” I said with a laugh, kneeling next to him and laying a hand on his forearm. “ _You_ go somewhere else.”

He frowned finally looking up at me. But it didn’t make me uncomfortable as it usually did. He seemed genuinely flustered. Shane was so much harder to handle when he seemed so sure of himself. It was almost like he could see right through me. Like he knew what I was thinking. Now, he just looked pissed at me and that somehow made everything different than when he was studying me like he _knew_.

“I can put the damn thing together,” he said after a minute. “If I can’t, it’s broken.”

I smirked. I wondered if my smirk looked anything like his or had anywhere near the same effect on him that his had on me. “It’s not broken,” I said, shaking my head.

“It is,” he insisted, finally looking away from me. He didn’t look back at the weed whacker, though. He was looking at my hand, still resting on his forearm.

I ripped it away.

It definitely wasn’t the right time for Shane to laugh at me. I didn’t really see what was funny and I hated that I didn’t know what he was thinking. But Shane was always doing that; laughing at me when he had to know I was embarrassed. He never held back. I’d hated it at first. I still hated it.

I was getting used to it, though.

“Shut up,” I grumbled, standing up and kicking him in his ass. He almost fell over.

It was my turn to laugh.

“Hypocrite,” he said, but he was smiling.

No, I didn’t understand why he was calling me a hypocrite. Bu then…there were a lot of things I didn’t understand about Shane, and I’d grown tired of asking him to explain the things he said and never getting an answer. He’d always just grin, shake his head, and change the subject.

“I’ve decided it’s broken,” Shane said suddenly, standing up. “You should just borrow mine.”

I laughed at him. “We have one and it works. My mom just wanted a new one. So, step aside and let me put it together.”

He rolled his eyes and put his arm out in a ‘be my guest’ gesture.

“You know,” I said, picking up the handle of the weed whacker, pulling the plastic cap from the end of it and connecting it to the lower piece of metal. “I heard somewhere that you have to be at least fifteen percent smarter than any equipment you try to operate. This doesn’t look good for you.”

Shane snorted. “Whatever. It’s your fault I didn’t get it. You were distracting me.”

“And you refused to read the instructions,” I laughed.

Shane shrugged and nodded. “There’s that, too.”

I laughed again and we were silent while I worked. I finished fairly quickly and mixed the gas and oil together immediately after so that it’d be ready when my mom wanted to use it. And by that I mean, when she was ready to make _me_ use it.

I dropped the weed whacker when I was finished and sprawled out on my back in the grass like I was exhausted. Shane laughed and sat next to me.

It wasn’t really all that difficult to put a weed whacker together and I’ll admit to being a little smug. I could put the damn thing together with no problem and Shane had worked up a sweat without ever having accomplished a thing. It felt pretty good. _I_ felt pretty good, laying there with the sun beating down on me. And it had been…cool, seeing Shane frustrated and sweaty.

...Forget the sweaty thing.

“I was thinking of asking Tracy out.”

Yes, I said it. Out loud. Don’t ask me why, the answer is so far beyond my comprehension, I couldn’t even begin to tell you.

Shane snorted. Actually snorted. I knew I didn’t really have a reputation with the…’ladies’…or whatever the fuck, but Shane barely knew me. He couldn’t possibly know that.

“I’m serious,” I said, more offended than I can say. It stopped his laughing, at least.

“Oh,” he said, moving to lay down in the grass next to me. We were in almost the same positions that we were in the first day I’d officially met him at the park. Except, we were a little closer together and I was actually laying down, facing the sky, instead of sitting up facing him.

“Why?” he asked, studying the sky.

What a stupid fucking question.

“Because I want to,” I said simply.

Shane just looked at me. He didn’t frown, the way Chloe would, or laugh and mock me the way Ryan would. He just looked at me. But Shane was a _new_ friend and it was okay for him to be different from my other friends.

Friends.

Shane sighed after a moment. “You’re so—weird sometimes…but I knew that, actually,” he said. “I mean, I thought it was a rumor, but…” he shrugged. “You should probably ask her soon if you’re really going to do it, she’s getting frustrated with the waiting.”

My eyes widened. “What?! How does she know? How do _you_ know.”

_Now_ Shane laughed. “We’re in high school. Everyone knows.”

Ryan. It was probably Colin that spread it all around but it was Ryan’s fault for telling the fucker.

“Ryan,” I said aloud, when I caught Shane’s question glance. “Asshole.”

Shane nodded. “Oh,” he said and then frowned. “Why isn’t he ever here? He’s your best friend, right? I’ve been here every day for the passed seven days and I still haven’t gotten another opportunity to get into his pants.”

There are just certain things that people should never say. That was one of them. My mind provided me with all sorts of really _bad_ images.

I was never going to be able to look at Ry again and I blushed scarlet when I looked at Shane.

“What,” he asked, grinning like he knew _exactly_ what was going on in my horribly dirty mind. My mother would be _appalled_.

Friends.

“Nothing,” I said, swallowing. “Uhm…Ry’s been grounded since that thing with the school paper. I go over to his house, but he can’t leave.”

I didn’t think it counted as a lie, since Ry actually believed he couldn’t leave.

“Right,” Shane said laughing, and he shifted, just barely, but it was enough to bring him closer to me and his arm bare arm brushed against mine. I waited. He didn’t move away.

I always thought that when people said that their ‘hair stood on end’, it was a _bad_ thing. It didn’t feel bad. It felt good. I guess I could have freaked out about it and moved away, but I was feeling really good. Content. And freaking out was just _obvious_ and exhausting.

“Let’s go see him, then,” Shane said, his voice almost soft, and his words didn’t really register with me until he added, “He’s probably lonely if he’s been grounded for so long.”

I freaked out. The arm touching, I could handle. Seeing Ry was out of the question.

“No!” I didn’t really a shout that loud. Not exactly. I’m sure there were a few people in the next town that didn’t hear me.

“He hates you,” I added quickly when Shane shot up and stared at me like I’d lost my mind. “For the pants thing,” I finished lamely.

“Christ,” he said, lying back down. “Really, Jake, I’m pretty sure ‘chill pills’ don’t exist, but you should look into it, just in case. I was kidding. I know he doesn’t like me.”

Note, to self and also to anyone who’d like to know. There’s a reason that ‘freaking out’ is called that. Freaks do it. I am a freak. Freaking out, is just broadcasting that little fact.

“Sorry,” I muttered. His arm wasn’t touching mine anymore. It was disgustingly hard not to miss it. Shane shifted again, more deliberately this time, but instead of bringing him closer to me, it took him further away. I’m not sure why that made me feel like the lowest kind of shit.

It wasn’t that I was ashamed to be seen with him or anything and I would have said that out loud but it sounded lame, even in my head. I just…couldn’t be around Ry and Shane at the same time. I’d finally stopped freaking out every time Shane looked at me, or smiled at me. Hell, he could even _touch_ me now and I was okay. Mostly.

I just…couldn’t be around both of them at the same time. It would be awkward and…wrong. Things felt different with Shane and…I don’t know. The situation had disaster written all over it.

But I didn’t want Shane to think I was ashamed to be his friend. I wasn’t.

Just….

Friend? I was having trouble _meaning_ it. Or…I was having trouble _feeling it_. Friend? I didn’t want him to be my friend. Not really. And until I fixed that, Ry couldn’t see me with Shane.

Ry knows me. He would know something was up with me. Maybe, he wouldn’t know what it was, but he’d ask a hell of a lot of questions trying to figure it out. I _could not_ be around them both at the same time. If I was with Shane, Ry couldn’t be there.

Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t get the memo. I neglected to tell him not to come over, because I’m ten different kinds of stupid and I should have fucking _known_ that Ry was never _really_ grounded.


	4. Chapter 4

I can say awkward in three different langufages. Four if you count the gibberish I learned from Sara in ninth grade.

Not one of those four languages does the word justice. You have to _feel_ it to get it.

It’s funny how being in a room with just two people and having nothing to say can actually feel worse than being in front of a crowd of hundreds and forgetting the words to the speech you’d promised to give. Except you can’t run away.

Ryan made it worse. If he would have just _shut up_ for a second, Shane could have excused himself, or I could have tactfully—or not—shoved him out the door. But Ryan wouldn’t shut the fuck up. He just kept talking about random, stupid shit that didn’t make the least bit of sense.

Shane wasn’t helping. He was talking back.

The worse part, was that it was just _me_ feeling the awkwardness. Shane and Ry didn’t seem to have felt it at all. Not after the first couple of minutes.

We’d both jumped to our feet and Shane’s eyes darkened the second Ry set foot into my backyard. His brows furrowed and he glared, directly at Ry, through the small slits in his eyelids. It made even _me_ feel cold inside.

“What are _you_ doing here?” Shane said as soon as Ry got close. I glared at him and, instinctively took a step away from him to stand next to Ryan, on right side.

I mean, I hadn’t wanted Ryan around with Shane there, but I’d never ask him to leave. It was almost his house as much as it was mine. Ryan was welcome anytime and it threw me, hearing Shane speak to Ry like he was some kind of an outsider.

I was more confused than mad, though. He’d asked to go to Ryan’s not two minutes before and I really didn’t get why he was being so cold. I mean, yeah, Ryan had stolen his clothes once, but he hadn’t really seemed all that upset about it when he’d mentioned it. I would have thought that the entire situation amused him. And Shane had said that _Ryan_ didn’t like _him_. He never said anything about having a problem with Ry.

I’m not sure how long it was quiet. Long enough for the silence to start screaming it’s presence in my ears. Long enough for me to want to run away. We all just stood there looking at each other. I was actually shuffling my feet.

Shane spent the time glaring at Ryan.

Maybe running away wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all.

“What’s up,” Ryan finally asked, looking confused. I was right there with him.

I wasn’t used to seeing Shane so…cold and closed off. He was an open person and he sort of…broadcasted everything he was thinking or feeling. I just usually had trouble understanding any of it. I wasn’t having trouble now, though.

I shrugged at Ryan, before turning a questioning glance on Shane.

Shane simply turned his glare on _me_ and it gave me chills. Not the good kind that I was accustomed to. Not the kind that I hated to love. The bad kind that made me feel like Armageddon was coming. Very soon.

But it was gone just as soon as it’d come. Shane took a deep breath and shot me a small smile before turning back to Ry.

“Sorry,” he said stepping forward. “You caught me off guard.”

I wondered what that meant. I’d heard people say it all the time. I never really understood the phrase.

Ry shrugged again, holding out his hand for Shane to shake. Shane took it.

“I’m over the pants thing,” Ry said suddenly, smile still firmly planted on his lips. “I mean, yeah, fucked up, but I’m way over it.”

Shane snorted. “You deserved it.”

Ry laughed. “Probably. I deserve a lot of things.”

“That’s what I’ve been telling people,” Shane said, crossing his arms across his broad chest.

Ry nodded, almost approvingly. “Good. They need to be warned. It’s only fair.”

“Kind of like it was fair for me to take you pants after you stole _all_ of my clothes,” Shane said smirking. Smirking. Like he was having a good time all the sudden. And this couldn’t possibly end well.

Ryan grinned back at him. “Something like that. Except…I stole your clothes while you were in gym class. Which meant, you still had clothes on your body. _You_ stole my pants in the middle of school and left me damn near naked for half the world to see. It never really felt even to me.”

Shane shrugged. “What would you have done?”

“I’d have taken you’re shirt too,” Ry said immediately. “But no one will ever call me fair and if someone does, please let me know so I can have a talk with him about the importance of keeping secrets.” He glanced at me, with raised eyebrows and Shane laughed at the two of us.

“I will,” he said chuckling. I was used to people that didn’t know Ry being intimidated by him. Shane, however, didn’t seem intimidated at all. He seemed amused and maybe just little surprised.

He cocked his head slight to the side, studying Ry in the way that I’d grown so used to in the past weeks and it didn’t bother me in the slightest. I wasn’t jealous or anything like that. I swear. So, I have no idea where the sinking feeling in my gut was coming from, but I wasn’t jealous.

Just thought you should know.

Ry handled Shane’s studying gaze far better than I had in the first days that I’d known Shane. Ry even met Shane’s eyes and stood there silently waiting for Shane to make the next move.

I may have felt slightly left out. Not that it bothered me. Much.

Then Shane confused the hell out of me and held out his hand. I just sort of stared at it, wondering what he was doing.

Ry, however, was a few steps ahead of me apparently, because he stepped out from behind me almost immediately, and grabbed Shane’s hand to shake it.

“Cool?” Ry asked grinning slightly.

Shane shrugged. “Yeah,” he said. “Whatever.”

“Good,” Ry said and nodded. His grin turned mischievous then and he was giving Shane a speculative look that made me a little worried about what he was going to say next. And why the fuck hadn’t they let go of each other’s hands yet? Normal hand shakes were _not_ that long.

“You’re in Chloe’s science class, right?” Ry said suddenly. And he dropped Shane’s hand. Finally.

“Yeah,” Shane replied. He glanced at me, for the first time in what felt like forever. I was beginning to wonder whether he’d forgotten that I was there. Shane smiled at me. It was soft and I couldn’t quite put my finger on what was different about the smile, but it hit me hard in the chest. Shane’s smiles almost always affected me, but not like that. They usually made me warm. This one….felt like a pull.

In front of Ryan. Jesus.

“And before you ask,” Shane went on, talking to Ryan but looking at me. “Jake already roped me into helping him with his write-up for the science lab you guys just did. Ask him for help if you need it. I’m done.”

Blue, blue eyes and I was getting lost. Right in front of Ryan. I wanted to run again. It was definitely a relief when Shane looked away.

“I wasn’t going to ask for help,” Ry snapped, sounding thoroughly insulted.

“Oh,” Shane said, frowning. “Then—,”

“I was going to ask you to do it _for_ me. I’ll even pay.”

Shane snorted. “Uhm,” he said. “No. No thanks.”

Ry sighed. “Worth a shot,” he said shrugging. He plopped down in the grass and Shane and I quickly followed suit. I took this to mean the two of them, at least, were comfortable. I, however, was not. I didn’t even feel like I was really there. I certainly wasn’t a part of the conversation.

“So,” Ry said to Shane once we were all situated. “You placed second again last week.”

Shane laughed. Loudly. And he looked at me again. “Even _he_ remembers me and he hated me.”

“You traumatized him,” I said and it was weird hearing my voice again. “Of course, he’d remember you.”

“Traumatized?” Ry nearly shouted, elbowing me. “Remember that thing we talked about? About keeping secrets,” he whispered, loud enough for Shane to hear him. Then he turned to Shane, shaking his head. “I was so not traumatized. And what the hell are you talking about?”

Shane explained and once again, I found myself being left out of the conversation as the two of them laughed about the many ways in which I was clueless.

I’ve always hated it when people talk about me like I’m not there, and it definitely bothered me that my best friend, who knew this, and Shane…who was supposed to be _my_ new friend…were doing it.

But I didn’t say anything. They were getting along. I was a still a little worried that Ry might notice something was…off with the way I behaved around Shane, anyway, so I was almost happy to blend in to the background. It was best for me not to get involved. If I didn’t say anything, I couldn’t give myself away.

We did eventually move the conversation into the house and my mom actually brought us snacks at one point, shocking the hell out of both Ry and I. My mom wasn’t the type to bring snacks or do laundry or any of the shit you see mom’s on TV do. Neither Ry nor I mentioned it, though and Ry dove right back into chatting with Shane like they’d known each other for years. And just as it was starting to get dark out and Shane suggested that it was time for him to go, Ry actually asked him to stay a little longer and volunteered to go get Chloe for a game of basketball on the hoop at the end of my driveway.

“He’s…not like you at all,” Shane commented as Ry dashed across the street.

I shrugged. “He’s Ry,” I said simply and Shane looked at me like I’d just said something deeply significant.

“Okay,” he said slowly and he moved closer to me. I couldn’t really see a reason for it, but Shane did that kind of thing a lot. He was always sitting closer to me than necessary and it hadn’t bothered me before. Not after I calmed down with Shane a little. I just figured it was…part of who he was. I figured he was just a…tactile kind of person.

I’d grown used to it, for the most part. It still gave me the warm feelings but I didn’t freak out about it anymore.

But Ry would be back soon.

“I really do have to leave,” Shane said. “How long do you guys usually play basketball?”

“We don’t,” I said, shaking my head. “We stopped playing after Chloe got good enough to kick our ass. It’s never pretty.”

“Then why did Ryan want to play,” Shane asked smiling.

I smiled back. “Because,” I said, chuckling softly. “He’s going to be on Chloe’s team.”

Ry would be back any second and my parents weren’t far away either, but Shane had a way of making me forget all that. Besides, _I_ was the only one having bad thoughts. Shane was probably being completely innocent. The conversation, at least, was innocent enough. Maybe nobody would think anything about how close we were.

I was thinking about it, though. And there was that pulling feeling in my chest again when he looked at me. The pulling…I liked it better than the warm fuzziness. The fuzzy thing made me feel pathetic. Like a little girl with a crush. The pulling though. It was like a quick rough tug and…it felt like something I could get used to.

I heard Chloe laughing from just outside my house and I had the sense to get up, and away from Shane. Maybe they wouldn’t have thought anything of the closeness. But I wasn’t ready to risk it.

“Ready to get you’re asses kicked,” Chloe said, green eyes sparkling, when they entered the house.

“Watch your mouth, Chloe!” My mother shouted from upstairs.

We all laughed and Chloe shook her head. “Mom ears. Creepy,” she said smiling before looking at Shane. “You any good?” She tossed him the basketball.

Shane answered her question by spectacularly fumbling with the ball before dropping it.

I’m only going to say this once; I had a lot of fucking fun. Which is saying a lot because I hate basketball. It was my dad’s sport and he bought the hoop to try and get me into it. It didn’t work. Ry, Chlo, and I used to play but Chloe was the only one that really liked it. Ry didn’t mind it, but I hated it. But playing with Shane, Chloe, and Ry that day was fun. We joked around and we didn’t keep score (it was obvious who was going to win after about five minutes) and we worked up a sweat chasing each other around. We didn’t even really play basketball and it was…just a lot of fucking fun.

Okay, I said it twice. Whatever.

Shane left as soon as it got dark and Chloe followed suit not long after to finish up the homework she’d ditched.

Ry stayed though, and the two of us sat on the swing on my front porch. It was nice, sitting there and I didn’t even mind the quiet. The cool breeze drifted across my still sweat damp skin and it felt good. I’d had a good day, all things considered. Shane liked my friends, and they liked him and the world hadn’t ended and nobody knew my secret. Things could have been so much worse.

“You were quiet today,” Ry commented as we sat there on my porch listening to the crickets and the creaking of the swing.

I shrugged lazily. “I was tired,” I lied.

“Liar,” Ry responded snorting.

I sighed. “I didn’t have anything to say,” I said. “I couldn’t have gotten a word in edgewise even if I did, anyway, the way you two were going on and on.”

Ry chuckled softly. “Yeah. Shane’s cool. I like him.”

I smiled. I knew that already, it seemed obvious after the way they were that day, but it felt good hearing it. I don’t know why. I hadn’t realized I wanted them to like him until that moment.

“You shouldn’t talk to him anymore.”

_What?_ That made about as much sense as the physics Chloe was always going on about.

“You just said that you liked him,” I pointed out, carefully, trying to act like his statement hadn’t bothered me in the slightest. “So why should I stop talking to him.”

“Just because,” Ry said calmly.

I rolled my eyes. “That’s bullshit, Ry. You’re not making any sense.”

“Maybe you’ll decide you don’t _want_ to be his friend,” Ry offered. I had no idea where the fuck any of his crap was coming from.

“ _If_ I ever decide that,” I replied. “ _Then_ I won’t talk to him anymore.”

“Jake,” Ry almost snapped at me. “Don’t hang out with him anymore.”

I was not the type of person that liked being told what to do. I tolerated it from my parents and teachers and shit like that. But not from Ry. Ry had never tried before, not really. I almost wanted to laugh at him.

“What the fuck is your problem, Ry?” I snapped. “Is this about the pants? Even _you_ laugh about it now. And you got a date with Brittany after she saw you without your pants. _And_ you said you were over it.”

“It’s _not_ about the fucking pants,” Ry was actually getting frustrated with me. People got frustrated with me all the time. People, not Ry. He was one of the few people that always put up with me. “It’s just…” Ry went on, sighing. “You just shouldn’t hang out with him anymore. I’m not trying to be an asshole right now, Jacob. I’m _trying_ to be your friend. Don’t fucking talk to him anymore.”

“Why not?” I asked. I was done pretending it wasn’t a big deal to just ditch Shane. It was. It felt like a big deal in the beginning when I barely knew him and it definitely felt like a big deal weeks later. But if Ry had a reason….

He was Ry. But I was going to need a reason. I’d promised myself I wouldn’t let myself be gay. I didn’t do that because _I_ had a problem with it. I did it for Ry. For my dad. I wouldn’t ruin my life like that. But I could be Shane’s friend. Nobody had to know about my secret feelings. I’d get rid of them eventually, but for now, no one had to know. I could be Shane’s friend. That wouldn’t hurt anyone. That wouldn’t make my family hate me.

Ry really shouldn’t have a problem with it. I was definitely going to need a reason. A good one.

“What the fuck is up with you, Ry?”

Ry groaned, exasperatedly. “You don’t get it, Jake, you’re…you’re a good guy…just don’t talk to him. He’s...”

“He’s WHAT?!” I was actually getting worried and I found myself wondering what the hell Shane could have possibly done, crazily wondering whether or not Marco, Ry’s dead dog, was _really_ hit by a car and there were terrifying scenes running through my mind wherein Ry walked in on Shane brutally butchering poor Marco. “What’s your issue? What’s wrong with him?”

“He’s a fucking queer!” Ry snapped, throwing his hands in the air, defeated.

It’s weird…but that was more terrifying than the dead dog scenario. Even worse, was the way that Ry had said that word. Queer. I had suspected that he might have a problem with it. Suspected, but I wasn’t sure. It sucked being sure.

The thing is, though, I sort of already knew that. About Shane I mean. I suspected at least. There were… clues. Just small things that Shane did when we were together. The way he’d sit close and the way he touched me more often than was strictly necessary. There were the smiles…the special smile that felt like they were just for me. Smiles that lit up his face, his eyes and made me feel like _I_ made his day better.

Smiles that I’d been telling myself were no big deal. People smiled. So what? But there was something different about the way Shane smiled. Or rather, the way he smiled at _me_.

And there were the looks he gave me. When Shane looked at me, I could almost _feel_ his eyes, roving over my body, almost like a physical touch. No one else ever looked at me like that.

But these were all small things. Things that could have easily been my imagination. Or possibly the result of wishful thinking.

If you could call it wishful thinking when I desperately wished I wasn’t wishing for that particular thing.

God, I don’t even make sense to myself anymore.

Whatever, the point is, none of what I’d noticed was really a big deal. Shane could just be different. And it was easy to tell myself that I was imagining it when I thought his looks, smiles, or touches might mean something more. It was easy to push it to the back of my mind and brush it off as no big deal. There was no way I could be sure.

Besides, the thought that Shane might be gay was way too much for me to handle. It was tempting and it took away some of that fear of rejection. And that was dangerous. I needed the fear to keep myself in check. I needed it to keep from leaning in…

I tried to tell myself not to think about it too much. Ry didn’t lie to me but he could have false information. Who knew if it was even true? We were in high school for fucks sake. Who _hadn’t_ been called a queer at least once. You? You’re lucky.

I had no idea what to say to Ry though. I wanted to tell him that he was wrong. That he couldn’t possibly know for sure. I…I wanted to act like it disgusted me. Like there was something wrong with it.

Then I grew a pair. Good for me.

“So what?” I snapped after long minutes of silence and Ry raised his brows so high that they disappeared behind the hair that he absolutely refused to cut no matter how much coach goaded him.

“So,” Ry pushed. “You shouldn’t hang out with him. It’s just not a good idea. Not for you.”

“Who _would_ it be a good idea for,” I snapped again. It was an accident. I hadn’t meant to show it but I wasn’t happy at the moment.

“I don’t know,” Ry shrugged. “It’s just not a good idea for you. I get it, alright? He’s cool. He’s funny. I like him too. It’s just…I know you. You’re a good guy.”

What the _fuck_ did that mean? Ry could be a fucking lunatic sometimes.

“Whatever,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Maybe you don’t know me as well as you think.”

I wanted to take those words back before they even fully left my mouth. I wanted to shove them back down my throat and choke on them. They weren’t true. Not really. Ry did know me better than anyone else. Even if he didn’t know _all_ the details.

“Of course I do,” Ry said, and I let out a relieved breath, because Ry wasn’t the only one that could be a lunatic sometimes and I was glad that he, at least, let me get away with it.

“I’m not going to stop hanging out with him. Not for that,” I said, and I hadn’t even realized that I’d made the decision until I heard the words coming out of my mouth. Imagine that.

“I know,” Ry answered quietly, with a sigh, hands reaching up to grab the ends of the shirt he’d slew carelessly across his shoulders. “I knew you wouldn’t. I do know you, Jacob. And you…you’re a better guy than me. That’s why I don’t think you should hang out with him. I know what you…never mind. I get it though.“

“Good,” I said. My voice sounded so much steadier than I felt at the moment. I had my hands clenched in the material of my shorts, muscles straining, trying to keep still. I felt like if I relaxed even a bit, I’d start shaking. My heart was pounding, and not in my chest where it should have been either. My heart was in my fucking throat. Why? No idea. I just…I’d stuck up for Shane. I wasn’t even sure if it was true and I stuck up for him. I was torn between feeling good about that and being terrified. Because Ry…he really does know me. And he might suspect.

Apparently I have no attention span or will power or discipline or whatever the fuck, because I _swear_ I had a plan when this whole fucking disaster started. I was going to be straight. Heterosexual.

I’d completely forgotten what that plan entailed. I’d abandoned that plan and I’d gotten completely wrapped up in Shane. The way he looked. The way he smelled. The way he laughed at throwaway lines in movie’s and rolled his eyes at the outright funny ones. The way he stuck up for random kids on the walk home from school and made that toothy little freshman Carolyn feel better about her fucked up hair, and how, two seconds after that, he was openly hostile to a guy he didn’t know that stood at least a foot taller than me.

Plan? Whatever, it’s not like it would have worked anyway.

But I should have stuck with it. Because now, I’d dug a hole…the type that would soon have my ass in _China_ and I had no idea how to get out. Things were easier before. I could _ignore_ it before. Maybe then…I still had a chance at being straight. Maybe then…

But now? Now was what mattered. And _now_ I had no idea how to turn away from Shane and act like I’d never enjoyed his company. The sound of his laugh.

I had no idea how to pretend anymore. I couldn’t remember how I did it before.

When I first realized that I might be gay, it was scary, but I was pretty sure it would pass. And after awhile of waiting for that to happen, I thought…you know maybe I needed to do something to _force_ it to pass. I mean, it’s not like I’d ever done anything with a guy. I couldn’t really be gay unless I had right. So, all I had to do was stop thinking about it and it would go away. All I had to do was think about the _right_ things, act the right way and everything would be okay. I lied to myself and everyone around me. I told myself over and over that I _wasn’t_ and every time an inappropriate thought crossed my mind, I pushed it away. I’d mentally berate myself if I ever fucking looked at another guy for too long. I’d become so good at ignoring it…fighting it, it was pathetic.

But I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t remember _how_.

I couldn’t stop thinking about Shane long enough to scold myself for it lately. And when he was around, it was like—like he drugged me and I couldn’t hate myself. I couldn’t be angry with him or me for the fact that I liked him because I was too busy just being happy being around him.

I was scared. Sitting there, on the swing on my front porch with Ry…I was terrified. Because the gay thing…it felt…it was starting to feel less like a little problem I’d eventually get over and more like something I couldn’t change.

I had to get away from Shane. I had to distance myself from him.

But I fucking couldn’t. And I was terrified. I was terrified of him. And I was terrified of me.

Mostly, though, I was scared that the gay thing might be permanent. And that I’d no longer be able to _hide_ it. Hell, I’d just stood up for Shane, to _Ryan_ , the best that I knew how. And he was Ryan. I _never_ had to stand up to Ryan. He never made me feel like I had to. And now, when I did for the first time, it was about _this_.

Fuck. Just… fuck.

I heard the swing creak dangerously and I jumped when I realized Ry had stood up. He pulled his shirt from his shoulders and shook it out before putting it on.

Then he turned to look at me. And I couldn’t stop the shaking.

He put his hand on my shoulder. “You’re a good guy, Jakey,” He said softly, smiling at me. And he turned to leave.

I still have no idea what the fuck he meant by that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My house was quiet when I went inside after Ry left. Quiet was not good. Quiet meant my thoughts would be the loudest thing going on. I couldn’t have that. Not just then.

I solved the problem quickly, putting a good mix CD Chloe had made me into my fathers stereo and blaring it through the living room. My mother would be there soon to tell me to turn it down, but I could enjoy it for a minute.

Gay. Shane was gay. I wasn’t lying when I said I’d had my suspicions but hearing Ry confirm them made everything seem real. True.

Gay. God, what loaded a word. When I first heard it and found out what it’d meant, I never really gave it much thought. I didn’t really think it was that big of a deal.

Until I heard my dad talk about it. The ‘downfall of good society’, whatever that meant. He referenced drugs a lot too. And sex. Funny that the only time I ever heard my father talk about sex was when he was talking about how much of it those ‘dirty queers’ had.

I loved my father. He could be a dick, no doubt, but he was a good guy for the most part. People respected him. He was one of those people that you knew you could count on. If he said he was going to do something, he’d stick by what he said. He worked hard for mom and me and he still made it to every single one of my meets, cheering in the stands louder than even my mother. And if I ever asked him for something, he worked hard to get me what I needed.

I loved him. And I knew he loved me, even if he never said it, but he’d fucking hate me if he knew. I just…couldn’t stay gay. I just needed to get it out of my system or something.

How weird does that sound? Guess what? I don’t care.

The volume on the stereo dropping had me looking up to see, not my mother, but my father, like he knew I’d been thinking about him. I actually jumped when I saw him standing there across the living room, looking at me over the rims of his glasses.

I almost thought I was in trouble.

Then he grinned.

“Sinatra’s the only one that gets to be blasted throughout the neighborhood. You know that.”

I snorted, shaking my head. “Lame, dad,” I said. “Way lame.”

My dad laughed and moved to sit at the other end of the couch. “You’re mother thinks you’re up to something,” he said, but he was smiling at me. He looked like he’d just been scolded and how weird was it that my tiny ass mother could tell a man his size what to do. “I promised I’d have a talk with you.”

Oh god. Please no. I was having flashbacks of the time he’d come to ‘have a talk’ with me. I’d almost died of humiliation and I had to sit through the entire awkward conversation because I didn’t have the balls to tell my dad that I was pretty sure I knew how everything worked and that Ry and I had sat through quite a few…’educational’ movies on the topic.

My dad laughed at whatever expression he saw on my face. “I’ll make it quick don’t worry,” he said amused and then cleared his throat. All business like. “Don’t do drugs, stay in school, and don’t get anyone pregnant.”

I am so glad I didn’t snort out loud at that. Pregnant? Ha. That was one thing he definitely did not have to worry about at the moment. I mean, lately, the only person I’d thought about was Shane. He was the only person I wanted to…

God, whatever. Just the pregnant thing did not look like it was something I was going to have to worry about for awhile yet.

“Uhm, I won’t,” I said, fidgeting with the tassels on one of the throw pillows.

Dad nodded. “And you know where the—,”

“Yes!” I said immediately. Jesus, parents were supposed to tell you _not_ to have sex. They were not supposed to stock the house with condoms and make sure you knew where to find them. But no, not _my_ parents. My parents are insane.

“Good,” Dad said chuckling and he stood up. I thanked whatever god was listening. “Be sure to tell you’re mom we had this conversation.”

I looked at him like he was crazy. “What – no! I’d rather go to church naked.”

My dad laughed at me again so I threw the remote at him. Only because he seemed in a good enough mood not to ground me for the rest of my life for it.

He caught the remote. I needed to work on my throwing. Obviously.

“You’re a good kid, Jake,” My dad said, sobering and his words reminded me so much of Ry’s earlier repetitive statement that I froze. “I’m proud of you,” he added and walked away before I could respond.

Not that I had anything to say. I mean, I _knew_ my parents were proud of me. They’d always been proud and not because I was this amazing student or because I did well in sports...which, I didn’t by the way. I hated school and swimming was the only sport I was any good at. But my parents had always been proud. I never had to do anything to earn it. They just were. I always knew that.

Just…hearing it, first from Ry and then from dad, it was like they both knew where I was heading. That I had a ‘problem’ and they wanted me to know why I shouldn’t make any bad choices.

I really didn’t want to let them down.

It was a long while before I actually fell asleep that night, the lyrics of _Façade_ blaring from my headphones.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

So much had changed between me and Shane since we’d first met and it’d only been a few short weeks. I could almost always handle it when he stared me down. I was okay when he leaned into me during a movie to whisper one of his smart aleck comments in my ear, even if his breath on my neck never ceased to send shivers down my spine. I didn’t even mind it when he’d touch me.

After what Ry said, I went back to the spazz I’d been in the first days of knowing him, overanalyzing everything that he did. Freaking out whenever he got too close. Because if he made a move…I wouldn’t be able to walk away from that.

How do you spell pathetic? J-a-c-o-b. That’s how.

The day after Ry’s little revelation was a disaster. From start to finish.

Shane had come to pick me up for school in the morning, like he’d been doing every school day since we met, without fail.

“You look like shit,” he commented when I opened the front door to let him in. “Did you sleep at all last night?”

“Yes,” I lied defensively. I really needed to stop that. It wasn’t Shane’s fault I couldn’t sleep. I mean, yeah, I’d been thinking about him most the night, but I had pretty much decided that it was all Ry’s fault.

“Okay,” Shane said, holding up his hands in surrender. “Chill, Jake. It was just a question. You ready to go?”

“Obviously,” I muttered, stepping around him toward the front door. “What does it look like?”

Shane shook his head, smiling. I knew I was being a dick. I knew he didn’t deserve it.

I also didn’t really care.

“Can’t say what it _looks_ like, but it _sounds_ like I should leave your ass alone until you wake up,” Shane said following me out the front door. I ignored my mother when she told me to have a good day and slammed the door before she could get the words out.

“There’s this thing. It’s called coffee,” Shane commented as he unlocked the doors of his car. “Look into it.”

“Whatever.”

He didn’t try talking to me again until we got to school.

“So, I’ll see you at lunch?” he asked as we walked toward the quad. He’d taken to walking me halfway to meet Ryan, before running off to find Caydence.

I ignored his question, picking up my pace. I wasn’t trying to avoid him. I really was tired and just pissed at Ryan and I didn’t want to be around _anybody_. I was confused and frustrated and having Shane around just wasn’t helping anything. And I didn’t care if it wasn’t his fault.

I’m a selfish bastard. Shit happens.

“ _Hey_ ,” Shane sighed. Then he touched me. He just lightly laid a hand on my shoulder, I assumed to slow me down and he squeezed gently when I tried to keep walking anyway.

Touching me, right then, was just a really horrible idea on his part.

I ripped away from him. “Back the fuck off, Shane. I wanna get to class.”

He didn’t say a word to me. He glared at me for all of a second before turning around and walking in the opposite direction.

I felt like the lowest kind of shit my first four classes. I promised myself I’d apologize at lunch. And that I’d stop treating him like shit just because he had to go and make everything ten times more complicated and confusing by being, you know, gay.

Jesus, I’m such a fucking idiot.

Shane didn’t meet me for lunch. I had to go and find him, but it wasn’t hard. I knew where he’d be.

“I’m sorry,” I said as soon as I was close enough for him to hear me. “I had a shitty morning. I took it out on whoever was closest.”

Shane shrugged. He looked up at me from where he was sitting with Caydence and I swore he was going to tell me to fuck off. Then he sighed.

“I think the fries here are made of grease and cow shit,” he said, picking one up from his tray. “Mostly grease.”

I plopped down next to him in the grass. Caydence actually looked surprised, but I didn’t blame her. I saw Shane for lunch everyday. I stopped by, said hi, and ran off to join Chloe and Ry. I never sat down to have lunch with the two of them.

Shane just smiled at me. I swallowed and looked away immediately.

“Jake,” Caydence nodded at me. I smiled at her. She, at least, was safe

“Caydence,” I said. “How’s your bird?”

“Dead,” she said, looking out at the sky. “Today, anyway. Scotty’s gone.”

“Oh,” I laughed. Yes laughed. I was pretty sure Caydence didn’t have a bird and if she did, I knew nothing about it. It was an experiment of mine. I could ask that girl any question in the world and she’d always have an answer. I liked being around her. It was always…interesting. I would have felt bad for laughing if I thought she might actually have a dead bird, but I think Caydence had figured out my game right in the beginning.

Shane shook his head at us. “Scotty is not dead,” he told me, rolling his eyes. “He’s out sick for the day.”

“I—wait, what?!” I said. “He’s real?”

Shane laughed at me. “Obviously.”

I looked at Caydence. “I’m sorry,” I said, in the sincerest voice I could muster.

Shane laughed harder. “I told you, he’s not dead. Also, he’s _my_ brother, so even if he was, I don’t know why you’d apologize to Caydence.”

I hated them both. Why couldn’t they be… _normal_ when they were together?

“Fuck you both.”

“Kinky,” Caydence laughed.

“He’s all talk,” Shane told her. “He’s a total prude.”

“Go to hell. Please and thank you,” I shot back, stealing one of Shane’s greasy fries. I’d totally forgotten food in my hurry to get to him. He owed it to me to share.

“Hey!” he shouted smacking my hand. “That’s _my_ grease and cow shit. Get your own.”

“ _Ow_ ,” I said, rubbing my hand where Shane slapped me. I winced dramatically. It hadn’t hurt, not even a little bit, but I was great when it came to faking pain. I had lots of practice. I can’t tell you how many times I’d tricked my mother into letting me stay home from school.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said automatically, and he put his hand over mine, rubbing the skin of my wrist gently, with his thumb.

I froze, biting my tongue until the pull in my chest passed and frowned at Shane’s hand lying atop mine.

Shane didn’t seem to notice anything.

“I didn’t think I hit you _that_ hard,” he said frowning. I pulled my hand away, trying to be discreet about it.

“You didn’t,” I said. “Uhm, look; I’m gonna go find Ry and Chlo,” I said, standing up abruptly. “See you at practice.”

Maybe I wasn’t mad at him. But being around him was too hard. I couldn’t handle it just then.

“Jake—,” Shane said, moving to follow me. I walked away before he could get to his feet.

“Later!” I shouted over my shoulder.

I was extremely glad that he didn’t follow me.

No, he wasn’t doing anything wrong. He was behaving exactly the same way that he always had. _I_ was confused though. And…scared. And he just…couldn’t touch me anymore. I couldn’t handle it, not yet. I needed time to get over it. It was so stupid, I mean, Ry could have been wrong. It might not even be true.

But it _was_. It was easy enough to figure out once I was paying attention. Funny how easy something is to find once you’re looking for it.

I wondered if he’d be mad at me when I saw him next. I almost hoped he would be. Maybe it would be best if I didn’t see him. Just for awhile. Just for the day. I wasn’t kidding when I told Ry that I wasn’t going to stop being Shane’s friend. I wasn’t. But I couldn’t let things go to far and I fucking knew I would do something stupid if Shane kept touching me. Or smiling at me. Or just…existing. I needed to get away from him for a little while. Just long enough to cool down. I could be Shane’s friend. Nothing more.

Not that he wanted more. Just…the possibility that he might seemed so much greater than it had before. Too much temptation and I just wasn’t ready to be around him yet.

I didn’t go find Chlo and Ry after I left Shane. I went to the library and tried my damndest to _not_ think about Shane cool fingers against the skin of my wrist. I stayed in the library all through lunch. I wasn’t sure I could have eaten much anyway.

I had way too many thoughts in my head to be able to focus on anything, much less French class. My teacher was doing flash cards and had demanded that everyone participate. So I did. She held up random cards and I shouted out random words along with the rest of the class.

She held up a card.

“Cope,” I said.

“Sharp,” said the rest of the class.

Another card.

“Run,” I said.

“Table,” said the class.

It wasn’t long before the teacher was glaring at me and the class was having a good laugh.

“Where have you been all year, Jake?” she shrugged after I shouted out guitar, for word that meant cake.

I shrugged. “Here,” I said.

“Clearly you haven’t been paying attention,” she said, clucking her tongue.

“Not much,” I retorted. It was true. I never felt the need to pay much attention in a class that taught a language I could already speak.

Mrs. Carter gasped like I’d just called her mother a whore.

She also gave me detention. For the next morning. Like it was actually possible for me to get up that early the next morning. Ha. I wasn’t going.

Swim practice couldn’t have come soon enough and when I finally got to the locker rooms, Ry took one look at me before shaking his head and saying. “No,” he said, “You can talk to me after you swim. After you cool off.”

Sometimes, I hated that he knew me. I was really, _really_ looking forward to yelling at him. For fucking things up and making it hard to be around Shane just when I was finally learning _how_ to be around him. For making me even more confused and for fucking with my head and taking my _sleep_. I really just…

I would have hated him if he were anyone else.

I was in the pool as soon as Edgecombe stopped talking and blew his fucking whistle.

Bliss. Pure unadulterated bliss. Water running smoothly over the skin of my back as I attacked it with heavy strokes, arms cutting through the water harshly. My forearms stung and I knew that there were easier ways to make it across the pool and back but I wanted it to hurt. It quieted the thoughts swirling around in my head.

I beat Ry across the pool three times. Damn near tied the fourth. And when we got out of the pool, coach shook his head at me muttering something about stage fright being my downfall.

What stage? Ask him.

We did a couple drills and I didn’t complain once. It was good. Coach could be a hard ass, but it was cool as long as I got to be in the water. And by the time practice was over. I felt better.

Slightly.

I had planned to leave Shane behind. Go home and take the time to cool off so I could be his fucking friend again. We _had_ been friends. Even if I’d had a hard time with it. Even if I’d wanted more. We’d been friends. I missed that. It’d only been a fucking day and I missed it. I missed when things were easy and it felt like Shane and I were right back where we started. I hated that, so I was going to leave without him, and take some time to cool off in the hopes that everything would be okay in the morning instead of waiting for him outside the locker room like I always did.

And I _tried_ to leave. My feet just wouldn’t cooperate.

I blame my attitude towards Shane when he finally joined me on the fact that I was pretty pissed off at the world in general and I always take it out on whoever’s most convenient. Ry would have been ideal.

Shane was closer.

“What the fuck is wrong with you today?” Shane asked as we walked across the school parking lot after swim practice.

“Nothing,” I answered moodily. You know that tone that people have when there’s something wrong with them and they don’t want to talk about it? I had that.

“Right,” Shane snorted in response. “You’re acting all moody again. It’s weird.”

“Whatever,” I muttered, and I sped up on the walk to his car. Yeah, I was practically running from him— _toward_ his car. Because _that_ made a lot of sense.

“Seriously, dude,” Shane said, speeding up to catch up with me. He grabbed my arm when he did, pulling me back.

It’s funny. That single gesture made my mind go into overdrive and it was one of the few things that I wouldn’t have thought twice about before. Not even in the beginning when we first started hanging out. I was thinking about it now though. Going over it in my head and trying to figure out what it meant.

Because, clearly, I was a whack job. Totally insane.

I shook his hand off and continued walking. He sighed. “Your dog died. That’s what this is about, right?”

“I don’t’ have a dog,” I snapped, damn near stomping my way to his car and waiting at the passenger’s side for him to unlock the door. “You’ve been over my house every day since we met. You _know_ I don’t have a dog.”

Shane grinned, pulling out his keys. “Exactly. So, you shouldn’t be at all upset to find out that he died.”

And I laughed thinking of Caydence and her ‘bird’ and how weird she and Shane were together. Now they weren’t and he was still being weird, acting like her, but it cheered me up and I couldn’t help the laugh. It came out sort of strangled and I resented that he forced it out of me, but it was still a laugh.

“You’re insane,” I said shaking my head.

“You love it,” he said with a wink and I was back to overanalyzing and racking my brain to figure out whether or not any other guy had ever winked at me before. “You should be grateful, anyway,” Shane added. “I wouldn’t be able to handle _you_ if I wasn’t insane.”

He opened the door to the driver’s seat of his broken down Festiva and threw his book bag over the seat into the back.

“Get in, Jake,” he said, voice muffled from inside the car. I heard the lock on my door pop open as he reached across the car to unlock it.

I did get in. But instead of commenting on the lack of space or the smell or the mess and how he was a slob like I usually did, I stayed silent. It was the most awkward ride we shared yet.

“You were good in the pool today,” he tried as we pulled out of the school parking lot. “You’re the only person I know that performs better when they’ve got something on their mind.”

I frowned, wanting to snap at him for making stupid assumptions. Only, that would probably make it obvious that his assumption was right, so I kept my mouth shut, muttering a noncommittal “Hmm,” in response.

“Coach thinks that if you swam like that at meets—,”

“Whatever,” I cut him off.

“I have an idea,” Shane said, in a tone I’d never heard him use before. “How bout you cut the shit and tell me what the fuck’s wrong with you. This shit’s getting old, Jake.”

“Really,” I shot back. “No one told you that you _had_ to hang out with me.”

“And no one told _you_ to wait for me today. No one told you to get in the fucking car either.”

I wasn’t used to Shane snapping back at me. I was used to him laughing when I snapped or being disgustingly understanding but I wasn’t used to him _fighting_ back.

I didn’t mind at all. I needed to vent.

“ _You_ told me to get in the car,” I argued. “But pull over and I’ll get out,” I said, unbuckling my seatbelt.

“Stop being a little bitch or I’ll _throw_ you out.”

I opened my mouth to respond but was abruptly cut off when the car jerked as Shane turned the wheel violently, pulling onto the side of the road.

Yeah, I told him to do it. But I didn’t _mean_ it. Duh. I got out of the car and slammed the door and I was actually surprised when Shane turned off the car, got out and came around to my side to stand next to me. He leaned against the car.

I waited for him to say something, but he didn’t, not after first. He wouldn’t even look at me, opting to stare at the ground like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“If you don’t want to tell me what your problem is, that’s _fine_. But take it out on someone else.”

I glared at him, but it wasn’t really as satisfying when he didn’t even know I was doing it. “How do you know it’s not _your_ fault?” I asked, angrily.

Shane opened his mouth, possibly to snap at me, and then closed it again almost immediately, looking thoughtful. “Is it?” he asked, turning to face me.

I sighed, moving to lean tiredly against the car. “I don’t know,” I answered honestly. “I don’t’ think so.”

Shane gave me one of his calculating stares and his shoulders slumped as he let out a breath. “Jake,” he said, quietly. He sounded tired. Tired of me.

I didn’t know until right at that moment that I didn’t want that to happen. I knew I was a pain in the ass and little much to deal with, but I really didn’t want Shane to…I don’t know…give up on me or something. I didn’t want him to be tired of me.

“I’m sorry,” I said immediately. “I’ve just...I’m…” I sighed closing my eyes tight, trying to pick my words right. I came up with nothing. “I don’t know,” I finished lamely.

“I know you don’t,” he answered nodding and he turned to face me, looking me in the eye.

And he held me there. I’d gotten better at meeting his eyes over the past weeks but I always had to look away before long.

But just then…I couldn’t look away. And Shane’s hand moved up to my face and he was touching me all of the sudden and I couldn’t fucking _breathe_ , much less move.

I _knew_ being around him was dangerous.

He was touching my cheek with the backs of his fingers, lightly stroking and my brain screamed at me to run away, to hit him, or yell at him, or at least ask him to stop. To tell him I’m _not_ into that. But I didn’t say a word and when I felt his fingers brush my lips, they parted completely against my will and he leaned in and I could feel his breath and my fucking _mouth_ was so dry. My heart was pounding so hard I swore it wouldn’t be long before I need some kind of medical attention and just before his lips touched… I fucking _finally_ moved.

I stepped away.

“Fuck,” I breathed as I watched Shane’s hand drop back down to his side and he put it in his pocket, almost as if to keep from reaching for me again. “Fuck, fuck, fuck.”

“Jake…” Shane started carefully. “I’m sorry. I wasn’t…you weren’t…look, I’m just sorry.”

“Forget it,” I said backing away from Shane carefully, like any sudden moves might set something off. Don’t ask me what. “Just forget it,” I repeated. “No big deal.”

“Jake,” he sighed.

“Seriously,” I said, laughing almost hysterically. I backed further away from him. “It’s nothing,” I went on. “I’ll see you later.”

“ _Jake_ ,” Shane tried again and took a step after me.

I wasn’t having that. So I turned and ran, not even thinking about the fact that he could have easily caught up to me with his car, even if it was a piece of shit. I just ran.

And he didn’t follow me.


	5. Chapter 5

Shane kissed me. Only, he didn’t. But he was going to. And I almost fucking let him. I could still feel his thumb sliding over my bottom lip, almost like I’d been burned or cut. And I _liked_ it. God, what the fuck was wrong with me? Everything was fucked up and I couldn’t control _anything_ , not even the way _I_ felt. I had no plans, no great ideas. I couldn’t _think_. Or maybe I was thinking too much. Like, there were too many thoughts in my head to focus on just _one_. My head was spinning and the only thing I could really focus well enough to accomplish was run, so I did. All the way home.

Shane was on the phone when I got there. I walked through the door, chest heaving as I gasped for air and I almost wanted to run back out when my mother looked at me and told whoever it was on the phone to wait because I just walked in.

Ry and Chloe don’t call, they come over. I figured out who it was pretty quick.

I shook my head when my mother held out the phone for me. I was _not_ talking to him. Jackass. I fucking ran away from him, why the hell would he call me? Besides, I couldn’t talk even if I wanted to, I was breathing so heavy. You’d think that with all the swimming I did, I’d be okay with a little running. You’d be wrong. I felt like I was breathing ice particles and my lungs were going to explode any second.

“Have you been smoking, Jacob,” my mother asked, phone still in hand, because she’s insane. I bet she had just been dying to ask me that. The fact that I was out of breath just gave her a reason to do so. She’d been coming up with all sorts of crazy shit ever since she’d joined that book club for middle aged mothers. I was pretty sure all the lifetime she watched wasn’t helping either.

“No, mom,” I panted, rolling my eyes. “But I’ve been thinking of taking it up. Do you think it really helps with stress?” I was only half kidding.

“Don’t get smart,” mom replied, walking towards me with the phone. It may has well have been a weapon, the way I wanted to run and hide from it. “You’re all out of breath; I’m just worried about you. You’ve been acting so strange lately.”

“Who’s on the phone?” I asked, though I already knew the answer and I didn’t really want to hear her say his name. I was just _not_ about to have another conversation about how worried my crazed mother was.

“Shane,” my mom answered. “He sounds upset.”

Ha. _He_ was upset? Bullshit.

I grabbed the phone from my mother…

And promptly hung it up.

“Jake!” My mother said, scandalized. “I just told you he sounded upset.”

“Bullshit,” I repeated aloud. Like _he_ had any right to be upset. The whole thing was _his_ fault.

“ _Jake_!” Who knew my mothers eyes could get that wide. You’d swear she’d never heard the word before.

“Yes, _Theresa_?” I sneered back at her, sarcastically imitating her scandalized tone. I blame my attitude on the fact that I really wasn’t in the mood. I’d dealt with enough bullshit that day with Shane and school and…well—just Shane.

 _Asshole_.

My mother gaped at me, opening her mouth and closing it a couple times, like she had no idea what to say to me. Didn’t matter what she said. I was going to yell anyway.

“What’s gotten into you lately?” She asked finally, instead of grounding me and demanding I go to my room like I’d fully expected her to do. I would have preferred it if she’d grounded me. She kept saying that she thought something was wrong with me, and yeah, I had issues, but not while I was around _her_. She was pulling all that shit out of her ass. She was projecting. She’d heard too many stories from the other mothers at church about _their_ troubled kids and she was fucking _reaching_.

Still, she sounded almost sad when she said it. I felt bad.

“I have no idea what you’re talking about!” I shouted, throwing my hands in the air. I guess I didn’t feel _that_ bad. “You’re insane, _mom_. I haven’t done anything wrong and you send dad to give me lectures and you bring my fucking friends and I snacks. And you _fold_ my fucking _underwear_. _You’re_ insane. You’re the one acting different. Not me.”

So, I threw a temper tantrum. Nothing new there.

My mother looked like she might cry. And then, I _really_ felt like shit.

Have you ever seen your mother cry? I hadn’t, not before that moment. And it was weird what it did to me. I felt my eyes begin to sting and there was a lump in my throat I couldn’t seem to swallow.

“I’m sorry, mom,” I croaked. “I was serious about the stress thing. I didn’t mean to…fuck, I’m just not having a good day.” Understatement of the decade.

“Watch your mouth,” my mother said, trying and failing to sound stern. I smiled at her.

“I’m sorry, mommy.” Mommy? What the fuck? God, I was losing it and for the life of me, I couldn’t stop feeling like I wanted to curl up in her lap and let her rock me to sleep on the couch, with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles playing in the background. God, maybe my mother wasn’t the one who was insane. I was seriously on the verge of a breakdown.

Then my mother hugged me. And it wasn’t exactly Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles rocking but it’d do. I relaxed into the hug and let my mother stroke my hair.

“Don’t tell Ry,” I said, my voice muffled in her shoulder. I thought for a moment before I added, “Or Chloe…or anybody.”

Mom laughed. “Not a word.”

I felt like I could have fallen asleep standing. Even the ‘mom smell’ was comforting at the moment.

“Do you want to talk about it?” mom asked, pulling away from me. I glared at her. What an unbelievably stupid question. What was with everybody’s stupid obsession with having heartfelt conversations?

“No,” I said and she frowned at me. “I’m tired, mom,” I went on, cutting her off before she could object. “I’m not doing drugs and I’m not having se…well I’m…whatever, the point is nothing’s wrong and I’m not going to get myself into any trouble, I swear. Stop letting Colin’s mom scare you with her horror stories. I hate Colin and I’m nothing like him. Bastard.”

“Language.”

“Whatever…” She glared at me, raising an eyebrow so I corrected myself, “Uhm, whatever, ma’am.”

My mom actually laughed at that. “Go,” she said. “You can run away now, Go be a teenager.” I batted her hand away when she tried to pinch my cheek. She laughed her way to her favorite spot on the couch in front of the television.

“Thanks, mom,” I said, and I tried to smile but I’m not sure if it really worked. “And…if Shane calls…” I couldn’t finish the sentence and I really wished I hadn’t started it in the first place. It was like…saying his name brought everything back and…god, he fucking tried to _kiss_ me and I almost didn’t stop him and I _still_ felt like maybe I _wanted_ it… And I _ran_ like a little girl instead of hitting him or something. Whatever was appropriate in a situation like that.

“I’ll tell him you’re asleep, Jacob, but just this once,” Mom offered as I walked up the stairs to my room. “If you’re fighting with him, you should try and make it right. He seemed willing and you two were getting so close.”

Yeah. That was my problem.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t speak to Shane for three days. It felt like much longer and not enough time at once. I missed him and I couldn’t bring myself to be around him at the same time. I hadn’t been able to sleep and I couldn’t stop thinking about him. About almost kisses and cold fingers and warm breath. But every time I thought about going over to his house, I chickened out, telling myself I needed just a little more time to convince myself it _hadn’t_ happened. I was really fucked up in the head and it was starting to show.

“Holy shit, Jake, don’t paint the windows!” This from Chloe. Ry and I were over at her house helping with the new nursery again. It was the first time I’d been in the room since they’d started working on it. Everything was really fucking yellow.

“Sorry,” I said, putting my roller brush down in the paint tray. “I’ll get a razor and scrape it off when it dries.”

Chloe sighed. “What’s up? Spill already.”

“My dog died,” I replied. It just came out. I was thinking of him again and I lack that whole brain mouth filter thing.

Chloe didn’t even flinch. “Shut up,” she said, with a roll of her eyes. She turned away from me. “Open the other can, Ry. Please.”

Chloe said please. _That_ was weird.

Ry didn’t seem to think much of it. “Sure,” he said shrugging. “Where’s the screwdriver thingy?”

Chloe snorted, grabbing the screwdriver and handing it to him. “You realize you just lost massive macho points, right? Thingy? Seriously?”

“Oh, bite me, Mason,” Ry said grinning as he took the screwdriver.

“I think you’re macho.”

No, it was not me that said that. Yeah, fucking right. I’d never hear the end of it. Also, I didn’t actually agree. It was Ry’s new ‘thing’ that said it. Her name was Evelyn or Ellen or something with an E. She’d hardly spoken a word since Ry had brought her into Chloe’s house and she hadn’t lifted a finger to help us.

And I hated her hair. It was a frizzy knock off version of Caydence’s do. And…I kind of missed Caydence. I hadn’t seen her since the day I last talked to Shane. She was always refreshing and her insanity always made me feel better about myself.

Fucking Shane. Why the hell did he have to go and almost kiss me and ruin everything? Asshole. It was selfish.

Ry winked at the Evelyn/Ellen’s comment and _that_ was how things were supposed to be. Boys winked at girls. Not other boys, unless there was some kind of joke involved.

“Gag me,” Chloe said with a cough after the exchanged. Ry frowned at her.

“I will if you don’t stop talking,” he said with a glare.

“You’ll _try_ ,” Chloe corrected him.

But Ry's reply, whatever it was, was cut short when Chloe's mom waddled into the room. “How are my boys…and my girl?” She asked, smiling serenely at us. She didn’t even acknowledge Evelyn/Ellen.

I loved Chloe’s mom.

“We’re good,” Chloe said, and the frown she’d been wearing was gone. “We’ll be done soon as long as Jake doesn’t paint anymore windows.”

I glared at her. I kind of hated her at the moment. Or the Universe. Yeah, I think I may have just hated the Universe right then. We needed to have serious words about why it was fucking me over.

“He was just messing around, mom,” Ry said catching the look on my face, and I wondered why he was lying for me. “We’ll fix it.”

“Yeah,” I nodded trying to smile. “Sorry.”

Chloe’s mom frowned at me. “Everything alright?”

I shrugged. I could have said ‘no’, I guess, but—I could lie to my own parents and all my friends and the fucking pastor at the church but I could _not_ lie to that woman.

She looked at me for awhile longer before nodding. “If you need…any…” she trailed off and closed her eyes, hand going to her stomach.

“Mom?” Chloe said, sounding worried and Ry rushed forward. I followed him, unsure of what else to do, and grabbed Chloe’s mom’s arm, mirroring his every action.

“Relax,” she said, half smiling, half grimacing. “Nothing to worry about. This one’s gonna be a rowdy one. Nothing like Chloe,” she opened her eyes smiling at Chlo. “Chloe’s my gentle baby.”

“Yeah fucking right,” Ry said the same time I snorted and said, “Bullshit.” Chloe’s mom was the only one of our parents that didn’t give us hell for the dirty language. She’d frown at us for it and shake her head but she never said anything. It almost made me want to watch my language. If I thought it actually bothered her, I would have.

Chloe was burning holes through my head with her glare for my little comment, though, and for once, Ry was getting it too.

“I’ll let you kids get back to it,” Chloe’s mom said, smiling at the look on Chloe’s face. “I just wanted to let you know there’s food downstairs if you’re hungry.”

“Sweet,” Ry and I said in unison.

“You cooked?” Chloe snapped turned her glare on her mother.

“Yes,” Chlo’s mom said raising an eyebrow. “I’m pregnant, not dying,” she added as she walked off.

Chloe sighed shaking her head at Ry and me. “If either of you mentioned anything about being hungry, I’ll kill you both.”

“You shouldn’t worry so much. She’s an adult; she can take care of herself. I’m sure she gets on fine when you’re not around. You need to relax. You’re uptight. Lots of guys think so.”

Neither Ry nor I had the balls to actually say that to Chloe. Or rather, we knew we’d no longer have balls to speak of if we ever tried saying something like that to her.

Evelyn/Ellen, however, was a suicidal lunatic. And I flinched when Chloe wheeled around to glare at the girl, but I didn’t say anything. The girl deserved whatever she got. _Shane_ didn’t know my friends very well either and he never said stupid things like that when he was around.

Was…

But it wasn’t Chloe that snapped at Evelyn/Ellen. It was Ry.

“Keep your mouth shut when you don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about,” he said, in his calm voice. It was scary. I’d heard him use it many times before and it was still scary. His entire body would go tense and his eyes would light up and you’d be fully expecting him to yell…but he wouldn’t. He’d calmly tell you to eat shit and die. Or something. I couldn’t believe he was using it on her. She was supposed to be his girlfriend and he was being harsh…even for him.

Evelyn/Ellen just stared at Ry like he’d just shattered all her dreams and told her that there wasn’t, in fact, a Santa Clause. Then she muttered something about having to use the restroom and fled the room.

“Jesus, Ry,” Chloe said, when the door had shut. “What the fuck? I can handle myself. That was fucking rude.”

“What do you care,” Ry snapped, frowning at the can of paint in front of him. “You don’t even like her.”

“I never said that,” Chloe shot back.

“So?” Ry said and I kind of had to agree. It was obvious that Chloe didn’t like her. She didn’t have to _say_ it.

“You need to apologize,” Chloe said firmly, ignoring him.

“Mind your business, Chloe,” I warned when Ry’s eyes lit.

“Mind yours,” Chloe said. She didn’t even look at me.

“I’m not apologizing,” Ry said shaking his head. “Eat shit.”

“Bite me. She didn’t even do anything to _you_ ,” Chloe persisted. “Jesus, no wonder you can’t keep a girlfriend.”

It was odd. Both of them were kind of yelling…in whispers. I hadn’t known that was possible until then.

Ry through the screwdriver down into the crib in the center of the room, pulled away from the walls for painting and stood up. “So? What are you getting so bent about?” he said. “She was being a bitch to you. You would have done something.”

“I wouldn’t have made her cry!”

I actually disagreed, Chloe was fully capable of making a girl cry. I didn’t say anything though. I doubted anyone would hear me if I did anyway.

“You don’t know that she’s crying,” Ry sighed, rolling his eyes and sitting back down on the couch.

“Whatever, you still need to apologize,” Chloe said, shrugging as if that settled the matter. And apparently it did, because Ry apologized the second Evelyn/Ellen stepped back into the room. Even if he’d done it grudgingly.

“I’m _sorry_ , Eve,” Ry bit out.

 _Eve_. That was it.

I would _never_ understand Chloe Mason. Seriously, she should be happy they were fighting. Her chances with Ry were better if he was single, right? It didn’t make any sense for her to want Ry to apologize. She should be happy that he’d taken up for her. But no, she gets all upset and starts a fight.

Eve smiled at Ry. “It’s okay. I’m sorry too.”

It was on the tip of my tongue to tell her that she should be apologizing to Chloe but I kept it in. I didn’t want to face the firing squad that was Chloe Mason like Ry had just had to.

Ry rolled his eyes at Eve instead of returning the smile. I couldn’t blame him. Ry hadn’t meant a single word of that apology and it seemed so obvious to me. I couldn’t believe that she missed it and I half wondered if her apology may have been just as sarcastic. But it wasn’t. Eve was completely oblivious and she tried sidling up to Ry.

Ry dodged her, more discreetly than I ever would have been able to manage and turned to Chloe and raised his eyebrows at her. Chloe smiled at him smugly.

And Ry smiled back.

I was surrounded by crazy people. But that was okay. At least I didn’t have to worry about fitting in.

Ry drove Eve home not long after that, leaving Chloe and I to take care of the clean up. We’d finished painting for the day and it was getting dark out anyway.

“So,” Chloe said, picking up the newspaper we’d thrown on the ground haphazardly when we’d started. “Are you gonna spill or what.”

“Or what,” I replied automatically, voice flat. “It’s nothing, anyway.”

“What a load of crap,” Chloe said, launching a paintbrush at me. She was so fucking lucky it was clean.

“I’m good at crap,” I replied, flatly, picking up the thrown paintbrush and putting it into the bucket with the others.

“The best,” she said sarcastically. “Seriously, though, you should tell me. I’ll give you cookies. And it’ll make you feel better.”

“I feel fine, Chlo,” I said, shaking my head.

“Don’t bother lying to me, Jake,” she said. “It’s stupid and it wastes time.”

It was easy to forget sometimes that Chloe knew me too. I sighed, collapsing onto the floor and shoving the bucket of paintbrushes away.

“Ask me no questions…” I let it hang. And Chloe didn’t say anything else for awhile.

“I’ll still give you cookies,” she decided as we left the room. “Chocolate chip. I made them yesterday.”

“You made them?” I snorted. “It’d be easier to eat rocks.” It wasn’t true and I knew it, but Chloe laughed, so it was worth it.

We had cookies and we laughed at the ridiculous clothes her mother had got for the baby and how stupid Chloe thought it was that her mother refused to ask for the sex of the baby and how much she hated Ry. When Ry got back, she talked to _him_ about how much she hated him and I laughed at them and…everything was so simple. Easy. Kind of the way things were starting to be between Shane and me before he had to ruin it. Or maybe Ry ruined it. I couldn’t remember anymore. I was having a good time with Ry and Chloe, though and I didn’t feel like being mad at Ry. It wasn’t like he could take back what he said anyway. It wouldn’t have made anything better even if he could have. No point in being mad at him anymore. Besides, it felt good to laugh and talk about stupid things again. And it almost took my mind off of Shane.

Almost.

But I felt a little better, at least, when I left. Chloe had made sure I was stuffed with as many cookies as I could handle without vomiting and she knew how to make me laugh. I was even smiling—actually smiling—when I stepped out of the front door to go home. Ry had opted to stay longer, trying to avoid going home for as long as possible.

“Jake,” Chloe called after me as I hopped off her front porch.

“Yeah?” I said turning around to face her, but I continued to walk backwards.

She bit her lip for a second before she said, “You’ll tell me when it’s cool to ask questions?”

The question confused me and stopped me from continuing my track across the street. It had come out of nowhere and I wasn’t sure _what_ she wanted to ask. But it was really cool of her, not to push me with whatever it was. I wasn’t in the mood to share my feelings. She got that and she didn’t push.

My friends were kind of… _really_ awesome.

“Uhm…yeah,” I responded, smiling at Chloe in a way that I hoped showed her how much I appreciated her. “Yeah, I’ll let you know.”

“’Kay,” Chloe said smiling at me and waved before she went back into her house.

Yeah. Definitely awesome. So awesome, in fact, that I had the scariest thought as I walked away from Chloe’s house to my own.

_What if I just…give up and tell them?_

I actually stumbled as the thought crossed my mind. No. So. _Not_. Happening. Ever. I was just tired…and possibly losing my mind a little.

I needed to do something. I missed Shane and I was acting like an even bigger spazz than I’d been before since I’d been avoiding him and…I just needed to do something. Anything, so that I could see him again.

So, I went to the kitchen and grabbed the phone off the charger the second I got into my house. It took me awhile to find the number that I was looking for but after emptying my backpack, cleaning underneath my bed and going through the drawer of my nightstand, I finally found it in a dirty pair of jeans that had been in the back of my closet for God knows how long.

I took a few deep breaths as I stared at the crinkled piece of paper and the faded numbers on it and closed my eyes and _prayed_ to whoever might be listening that what I was doing would help.

Then I picked up the phone and called Tracy Marks.

Because…I needed to do _something_. I fucking _missed_ Shane and it was the only thing I could think of that might make it…okay to see him again. So I called her. I asked her. And I grabbed my jacket and took off out the front door of my house, barely pausing to say goodbye and hang up the phone.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’d been over to Shane’s house plenty of times, but I’d never actually been inside. I’d waited in his car when he needed to stop there and pick something up we’d stopped there a few times over the course of our friendship when he needed to check in. He was the only person I knew that didn’t just call to check in but I never said anything about it. I just waited in the car while he went inside and he never took long. And he never invited me in. It’d never bothered me and I never really thought much about it. Until I was standing on his front porch trying to talk myself into ringing the doorbell.

I ended up doing it on accident. The button was kind of sensitive or whatever and I pushed just a little too hard when I was pulling my hand away after chickening out again, which, doesn’t really make sense, but that’s what happened.

I almost ran away when I heard a bunch of dogs start barking all at once and a deep voice yelling at them to ‘shut the fuck up’.

I wished I _had_ ran away when the door was opened to reveal a man the size of a fucking bear answered the door. I almost shit myself just looking at him.

“Uhm…” I said, swallowing audibly. “Sorry.”

The man laughed at me and until then, I wouldn’t have thought the man was related to Shane in any way, shape, or form. He was…massive. Fucking huge. But he had Shane’s laugh and his eyes lit up when he smiled too. He wasn’t looking at me the same way that Shane did though, and it’s weird but I think it was then that I realized Shane told me—or showed me—so much more with his eyes than he ever actually said out loud.

“Who you hear for, kid?” The man asked gruffly.

“Huh?” I asked, because, I may have actually forgotten with all the fear and the near pissing myself.

“Carly, Shane, Scottie, or Mykel?” he asked, still smiling kindly at me, which helped with the nerves. A little.

“Uhm…” I said again. Yeah. I think I’d probably annoy the shit out of myself if I ever had to talk to me.

“It’s for me, dad,” said an all too familiar voice from behind the giant man. I was relieved and terrified all at once and I might have run away again – if I could have figured out how my legs worked.

The giant smiled at me once more, before stepping back into the house. And I was alone with Shane. I almost preferred the giant.

“Hey, Jake,” Shane said carefully. “What are you doing he—I mean—what’s up?”

I shrugged, hoping like hell that when I opened my mouth, actual words would come out. “I went for a walk,” I said, like _that_ explained why I was at his house. Jesus, I’m an idiot.

“So, you were in the neighborhood?” He asked furrowing his brow, and I could see the corner of his lips twitching like he was trying to hold back a smile. “Do you want to come in?”

I was actually surprised that he’d asked. I’d pretty much convinced myself that he didn’t want me to ever come inside. If he had, I assumed he would have invited me already. I’d been over enough times.

I nodded though. “Okay,” I said.

He smiled. “My room’s upstairs,” he said, and then frowned, quickly adding, “We don’t have to go up there…just…I have a big family and I thought…”

“Okay,” I said again, trying to sound calm, but I’m pretty sure I didn’t accomplish it. Whatever. If things went wrong, I figured I could always run again.

“Okay,” Shane smiled again. “Come on.” He grabbed my arm pulling me through his house, into a living room where a kid that looked about the same age as Shane and a woman sat on the couch watching television. Shane didn’t even pause, pulling me even quicker toward the stairs.

We hadn’t even taken two steps up when someone yelled at us to stop.

“Get your smart ass back here!”

I was immediately terrified and all I could think about was the fact that Shane apparently lived with giants. And I felt like shit because I had no idea that Shane might have it bad at home and I wondered if that was why he had to actually come home to check in or why he was always leaving my house before the sun even went down. And I racked my brain trying to figure out whether I’d ever seen a bruise on Shane during swim practice or the few torturous times he’d taken off his shirt over at my house.

All this went through my head in the span of a few seconds. And then Shane laughed.

“Oh, so my ass is smart today?” he said, turning around and walking back into the living room. I had to stop myself from fighting it when he pulled me along with him.

It was Shane’s mother that had spoken. She had a deeper sort of voice and I wouldn’t have guessed that the words had come from her. She smiled at me when Shane pulled me in front of her but she was talking to Shane when she spoke again.

“You’d better not be bringing a new friend into _my_ house without introducing him,” she said, her voice raspy and she coughed a bit after she’d gotten the words out.

Shane smiled. “Mom, this is Jake. He’s a _friend_. Jake,” he continued turning to me. “This is my mother. Unfortunately.”

His mother liked to throw pillows just as much as mine and Shane laughed as one hit him full in the chest. He tossed it back at her, however gently.

“Better?” he asked her and she glared at him for a moment before smiling again and nodding. “Nice to meet you, Jake,” she said.

“Uhm…you too,” I said, in the politest voice I could muster. I hated all parents that weren’t mine. Or Chloe’s, but she seemed nice enough. She started coughing again and the boy that sat next to her on the sofa, immediately grabbed a cup off the coffee table in front of them and handed it to her.

I looked at Shane, expecting him to rush forward the way Ry had for Chloe’s mom earlier that day, but he didn’t. He looked angry. And when he did move, he didn’t go to her, but stepped up to the end table and started rifling through the purse that sat there for a minute before pulling out a small box and stepping across the room to toss it into a fish tank.

I was so fucking confused.

“Shane,” his mom gasped, after a swallow of water. “You’ll kill the fish!”

“Better them than you,” he muttered grabbing my arm, once more and pulling me toward the stairs again. I let him. His family seemed nice enough, but I really wasn’t comfortable with adults that hadn’t been around most my life.

Shane closed his door as soon as we were both inside, but I must have been staring at it because he coughed and asked, “We can leave it open if you want…but I have sisters I have sisters—Mykel and Carly—and they’re loud. And…small.”

“It’s okay,” I said quickly, wishing he would stop saying things that made me remember I wasn’t completely comfortable being alone with him. I would have been happy to pretend everything was normal. But every time he offered to do something to make me feel more comfortable, it had the opposite effect. Everything was awkward and…I just wanted it to be over. I wanted to go _back_. I wanted simple and fun. I wanted to laugh with him again.

“I swear, I’ll keep my distance, Jake,” Shane said quietly, settling down on his bed.

“Can you just _stop_?” I snapped. “I’m cool, alright? Stop bringing it up! I just want to—,”

“Forget?” he asked sarcastically. “Yeah, I got that. I just didn’t want you to think—“

“I don’t,” I cut him off. I was beginning to wonder whether either of us was going to get a complete a thought without being interrupted anytime soon.

“Fine,” Shane said, sighing and it sounded relieved. “Just making sure. And…I’ll stop talking about it, but I’m sorry. I wanted you to know that too.”

“You said that the first three times you called,” I replied and it was almost funny the way Shane’s cheeks colored. I was positive I’d never seen him blush before.

“Yeah,” he said. “I wasn’t sure you heard. You never really stayed on the phone long.”

So, I hung up on him a couple times. What did he think was going to happen when he called me? I really didn’t want to talk about it. I was uncomfortable and I just…I just wasn’t expecting things to be so different when I seen him again. I should have, yeah. Obviously. But I was stupid and I’d just thought we’d go back to the way we were before that _day_.

“Seriously, can we just forget it? I can’t—” I didn’t know how to finish that sentence because there were so many things that I just ‘ _couldn’t_.

But Shane did his studying thing for a second and smiled in that way that I used to hate. Used to. I didn’t anymore.

“Did you know Scorpions can be frozen alive and still live? And cockroaches can go ten days without a fucking head? Creepy right? I hate bugs.”

Maybe Shane didn’t know me as well as Ry. I doubted there was any way that he could, but he did understand me. Just a little.

“At least I know not to try and freeze a scorpion if I’m ever trying to kill one. That helps. It’s probably the first thing I would have tried,” I said, laughing.

“Shut up, asswipe, it’s creepy,” he said, but he was smiling. “And weird. They can also withstand radiation that would kill people. Tell me _that’s_ not scary. They’re fucking indestructible.”

“They immune to being squished too?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.

Shane frowned. “I don’t know. I wouldn’t doubt it. The documentary didn’t say anything about shoes, though.”

I laughed again, shaking my head. And I sat down on the bed next to him. “Stop watching Animal Planet, Shane,” I said. “It’s not good for you.”

He smiled and elbowed me in the ribs and just like that, everything was okay again.

Or…maybe not everything. I still tensed if he touched me for too long or got too close. I still thought about his lips and there were a few times, looking at them, that I’d almost wished that I _had_ let him kiss me. I couldn’t help wondering what it would have been like.

Yeah, things weren’t exactly the same as they’d been before, but it was close. It wasn’t like I hadn’t had inappropriate thoughts before. Now, I just knew he _might_ be having them too. Because he’d almost…

Yeah, definitely not _exactly_ the same. We were laughing again, though. And we weren’t talking about ignored phone calls or apologies or crazy people that ran away like girls and the crazier people that tried to kiss them. It was okay again. And I was going to go out with Tracy. Which, made me feel safer, somehow, being Shane’s friend.

We talked forever. An hour at least and it was cool. I didn’t do that with anyone that wasn’t Chloe or Ry. I hadn’t known I _could_ do it with anyone else. And it was simple conversation, just like I wanted.

“Caydence thinks he’s on drugs,” Shane said, after I told him about the fight Ry and Chloe had had earlier.

“What?” I asked, confused. “Why?” I’d heard people say a lot of things about my best friend, but that was a new one. It wasn’t true, though. Ry liked himself too much for that.

“’Cause he tried to ask her out,” Shane laughed, staring off into space, the way he did when he talked about her. It made me wonder how he looked when he talked about _me_.

I pushed the thought away.

“Ry asks everyone out,” I said. “What does that have to do with anything?”

“Nothing,” Shane snorted. “You may have missed it, but Caydence is _not_ what you’d call sane.”

Which wasn’t true. I knew Caydence was bullshitting about half the crazy things she came up with, just to see if she could get a reaction, and I was pretty sure Shane knew it too, so I didn’t say anything. Or I did. I just wished I hadn’t.

“Are you, like…in love with her?” Who asks that? _Who_?

Shane didn’t think much of it though. He just shrugged, looking thoughtful and said, “I don’t know. I’ll ask her.”

We drifted into a comfortable silence after that. And I was okay with that because it meant I wasn’t asking lame questions. Unfortunately, though, I can only handle silence for so long.

“Shane?” I asked after all of about a minute.

“Yeah?” he said, distractedly. He was chewing on his lips and I had to look away to keep my thoughts in check. It didn’t stop the flashbacks though. He’d bitten his lips before he’d almost…

But I was trying to forget about that.

I cleared my throat. “Why don’t you have any friends?” My foot has a very close personal relationship with my mouth. You might have noticed.

“Huh?” Shane said, turning to look at me. He lay back onto the bed on his side, legs hanging off the edge, while I sat at the other end, knees pulled to my chest. His shirt rode up a little on the side and I squeezed my knees in tighter, looking up to meet his eyes instead. It was awhile before he spoke.

“I have Caydence,” he said simply.

“Yeah, but…no one else?” I would have let it drop, but he didn’t seem too offended and I was really curious. Shane was funny and nice to almost everyone. I couldn’t imagine why anyone wouldn’t like him,

He shrugged again in response to my question. “I like Caydence,” he said slowly. “Caydence…sticks.”

I really didn’t understand what that meant, _at all_ , but I didn’t think I’d be getting much more of an explanation, so I didn’t say anything else. Shane did, though.

“And,” he said, smiling up at me. “I’ve got you. Two’s a good number.”

I thought of Ry and Chloe and I smiled back at him. “Yeah,” I agreed nodding. “It’s cool.”

I stayed over at his house for another half an hour and probably would have stayed longer if my mother hadn’t called. I felt…so fucking relieved. Shane and me…we were cool. And I had a date with Tracy and everything was going to be okay.

Hopefully.

Shane actually walked me to the door when I left, which was good, because I wasn’t sure I’d be able to handle facing his family alone.

“So,” he said, leaning against the doorframe, in his tattered sweats and almost see through shirt and…god, it was too hard _not_ to notice how good he looked right then. “Do you want to come over again tomorrow?” he asked.

“I can’t,” I said, and I was actually disappointed. “I’m going out with Tracy tomorrow.”

Shane’s face darkened. Or his eyes darkened, I wasn’t sure which. But it made me feel cold inside. I hadn’t told him to make him…jealous or whatever. I just thought he should know. I felt like I needed to tell him.

But I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I couldn’t…things just weren’t good when we weren’t okay.

“Shane,” I started slowly. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” he snapped, glaring at me.

I shrugged awkwardly. I wouldn’t leave though. Not until we were okay. I was a freak on a regular basis but everything was much worse when Shane and I weren’t talking. I didn’t want another three days like the last I’d just had.

I reached out and put a shaky hand on his shoulder. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like an idiot than I did right then, but I didn’t know what else to do. I needed us to be okay.

Shane glared at me for a second longer before he sighed and his shoulders drooped. “Sorry,” he said, softly. “That was—I don’t know, dude. I’m being stupid.”

I shrugged again. “Are we…are we cool?”

“Yeah,” he said and his voice was gentler. It almost sounded like he was comforting _me_. Which was weird but so much more like the Shane I was used to.

I smiled. “Cool,” I said and I took my hand from his shoulder. It didn’t even occur to me that it was the first time _I’d_ actually touched _him_. On purpose, at least. And I’d done it after he almost kissed me.

Shane smiled back at me, stepping away from the doorframe. “I’ll see you later, Jake,” he said and there was something weird about his voice but he was smiling. And everything was okay, so I didn’t say anything.

“Later,” I replied, stepping away. “I’ll…call you or something.” Stupid. So fucking stupid, but I felt almost giddy right then.

Everything was going to be okay. I was sure of it.

Guess what? I’m wrong, like, ninety percent of the time.


	6. Chapter 6

I was sick. Tracy Marks and my date with her, was making me sick. I was so fucking nervous, my stomach was actually churning and I was having breathing issues. There was just a lot of fucking pressure. From everyone. From Ry, my dad, even my mother.

But mostly…from me.

“You’re turning green, bro,” Ry said as he rifled through my closet the night before my date. Apparently, my friends felt that I was incapable of dressing myself. Chloe had come over earlier to pick out an outfit for me and when Ry saw it, he decided to pick me out a new one because hers was lame.

Shane was the only one that hadn’t offered to help me ‘prep’ for my date. He hadn’t mentioned it at all since I told him. But we were _good_ , so it was okay. It’s not like I wanted him to mention it anyway. Everything was okay. Or it was going to be. I just needed to get through my first date with Tracy.

“Green’s a good color for me,” I told Ry flatly, from my place on my bed. “I’m thinking of making it permanent.”

Ry laughed. “You know you don’t make sense, right? Oh! You’ll wear these pants. I haven’t seen these since, like, eighth grade.”

“They don’t fit,” I said and Ry rolled his eyes at me.

“You haven’t grown that much. Or…at all. Come on, wear ‘em. They’ll make you look good. And Tracy’s not easy to please.”

“I’m not wearing them, _mother_ ,” I said caustically and Ry threw the jeans at me. I caught them and tossed them in a corner. “Seriously, dude, stop,” I went on, sighing. “I can dress myself and right now you sound like—,”

“A fag?” Ry said, raising an eyebrow. He stepped away from the closet and moved to throw himself on my bed. “You’re right,” he sighed, stretching out. “But consider the pants, bro.”

I was actually going to say he sounded like a girl off some teen soap opera or other, or maybe I was going to compare him to his new girlfriend, who continued to annoy the shit out of me, but I didn’t correct him. I didn’t say anything. I shifted nervously, but I didn’t speak. I’m cowardly like that.

“So, where are you taking her?” Ry asked, completely unaware of my discomfort. “It’s gotta be good.”

“Movies,” I suggested, with a half shrug. Everyone went to the movies. It was normal. I wanted normal. And I was pretty sure I’d be able to handle it if she talked all the way through it. It never bothered me when Shane did it.

Ry rolled his eyes at me. “You won’t get points for originality.”

I sighed. “So? I’ll make up for it with the points I get for wearing decent pants.”

Ry shoved me. “Shut up, I never understand a word you’re saying. Just sit there, quietly and be grateful you’ve got me. I’ve got a shit load of experience, you should be worshipping me, _begging_ me to let you in on my secrets. You’re gonna need all the help you can get if you don’t want your date to bomb.”

See what I mean? Pressure.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying my damnedest to sound casual. My date could _not_ ‘bomb’. I needed it to be good. I needed Tracy to have a good time and I needed her to fix me, before I did something stupid. Ry had said Tracy already liked me, I had no idea I was going to have to actually work to impress her.

Ryan grinned at me. “You’ve gotta play your cards right,” he said, in a tone of voice that sounded for all the world like my grandfather’s. “Like, some girls don’t like it if you tell them to be quiet and leave you alone while the movie is playing. Actually, none of them like it and some of them, dump soda in your lap for it.”

“Good to know,” I snorted, fully thinking he was joking, until I saw the serious expression on his face. I broke down laughing. “You’ve gotta be shitting me. You didn’t actually say that.”

Ry nodded, sighing. “Yeah, I did,” he said and then laughed. “You know, Jessie still won’t speak to me. And she tells everybody I’m an asshole.”

“ _You_ tell everybody you’re an asshole,” I retorted, pulling a pillow from the head of my bed to prop my head up on. I had to get another one, though, because Ry stole the first as soon as I’d gotten comfortable.

“Well, yeah,” he said, banging his head against the stolen pillow, fluffing it. “But only because _she_ started it.” I couldn’t really see the logic in that, but I nodded. It’s the kind of thing Ry was doing all the time. He took the insults others threw at him and started spreading them around like he was proud of them. Like how he came to school in just his boxers the day after Shane stole his pants. Whatever. It works for some people.

“I don’t blame her,” I said shaking my head. “I can’t believe you said that. _I’m_ not even that stupid.”

Ry snorted. “Whatever, it was a good movie. I don’t see what she got so pissed about; I paid seven dollars to watch a movie, not listen to her talk through it.”

“It was a date,” I said. “You’re supposed to focus on your date when you’re on the date.” The sentence sounded weird and I wondered if it made any sense but Ry nodded.

“I get that,” he said. “I was holding her hand and all that. But you don’t go to the movies to talk. You get that. Chloe gets that. More girls should be like Chloe. And Eve called her uptight. Bullshit. Chloe’s the only girl I know that isn’t an ice queen.”

“Why don’t you just date Chloe?” I asked and I could have kicked myself. I was _sworn_ to secrecy. Chloe had pinned me down, her knee in place to hit me where it would hurt my unborn children and _made_ me swear. Shutting up was probably the best option for me right then.

I didn’t though. Ry started laughing his ass off, so I kicked him and kept going. “I was being serious, Ry,” I said, and he looked at me like I was crazy.

“Uhm, she’s _Chloe_ ,” he said slowly, like he was trying to explain quantum physics to the worlds biggest idiot. “I couldn’t date her.”

“Why not?” I persisted. It didn’t make sense. Chloe was pretty enough, which seemed to be just about all Ry needed before he asked a girl out, so she definitely qualified. Plus, he already _knew_ her and he just _said_ he thought more girls should be like her.

“I just couldn’t,” Ry said, and now _he_ looked uncomfortable. I looked at him expectantly and he shrugged, sighing. “Jake,” he said, shaking his head. “This is stupid, she’s _Chloe_.”

He sounded desperate, like he really needed me to understand and drop it. I didn’t.

“So?”

“So,” he snapped, sitting up suddenly. “I couldn’t. None of the girls I’ve dated even speak to me anymore unless they’re telling me to fuck off. Chloe’s my _friend_. I like it that way. I just…no, dude. We’re dropping this.”

And then I did drop it, because he called Chloe his friend, like he meant it. Maybe he couldn’t think of her _that_ way and I couldn’t either, so I got it. It sucked for Chloe, but I understood and I _hated_ that I couldn’t feel about Shane the way I felt about Chloe. That I couldn’t say Shane was my ‘friend’ and I ‘liked it that way’.

“Sorry,” I said, after a few moments of listening to Ry breathe. “It was just a question, dude.”

“A stupid question,” he snapped.

“Yeah,” I said. “I get it. She’s my friend too.”

“Yeah,” he said and he nodded. “Good.”

“Good.”

“Whatever,” he sighed. “So, let’s never talk about it again. And never tell Chloe we did.”

“Never,” I agreed, mostly because Chloe would kill me if she ever found out.

“Cool,” he said and he sounded relieved. He smiled at me. “Now, back to your date.”

“Or not,” I muttered, frowning. “We can drop that too.”

“Come on, Jakey,” he said, ruffling my hair. “Who else are you gonna talk to about it? Chloe? Shane? Your Daddy? Yeah fucking right.”

I glared at him. “I _don’t_ wanna talk about it at all,” I snapped. “To anyone.”

Ry sighed and rolled off the bed, making his way toward my closet to dig through more of my clothes. It sucked, yeah, but at least he wasn’t trying to talk to me anymore. Not about Tracy, at least.

“You know,” he started slowly, frowning at a yellow polo he’d pulled out of the back of my closet and I was glad that if he said anything about it, I could honestly tell him that my grandmother had given it to me and that I only wore it when she came over. “I kind of hate you sometimes,” he finished, throwing the shirt over to my waste basket.

“I kind of hate you too sometimes, Ry,” I responded, but I was smiling. I couldn’t figure out _why_ because for the most part, the statement was true. I did kind of hate Ry sometimes. And that didn’t seem like something that I should be smiling about. It wasn’t funny either, not really. But I was smiling, because even when I hated Ry—even when he pissed me the fuck off or disgusted me—he was still my best friend. He was still Ry.

And, you know, maybe if I ever really pissed Ry off, and he really _hated_ me…maybe I’d still be _his_ best friend too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s not really considered lame yet, when you don’t have a car at sixteen. It’s still acceptable then and since I hated driving, I had planned to avoid getting a car for as long as possible. My dad had offered to help me learn to drive and even said that if I kept my grades up, he’d help me buy a used car for myself.

I declined. And yeah, there were a few kids at school my age that already had cars, Ry and Shane both did, but they were in the minority, so it wasn’t lame to not have one yet.

It _was_ lame, however, to not be able to drive. It was lame because it meant that if you ever had a date with a really pretty girl, you’d have to find a ride from someone else to get where you needed to go instead of just borrowing one of your parents’ cars.

Fortunately for me, I didn’t have to ask one of my parents to drive me and Tracy around for our date. Tracy borrowed her mother’s car.

_Un_ fortunately, having Tracy drive me around for our date in the mom mobile was not something I’d live down anytime soon if word got out. I thanked God for the tinted windows of her van when she arrived at my house and tried to ignore my dad when he patted my shoulder and let me know that his offer to teach me to drive was still good. Even my father thought I was lame.

And then Shane showed up. Just as I walking out to Tracy’s car because _that_ is just _exactly_ what I needed right then.

He took one look at me and one at the van in my driveway and frowned.

“I forgot it was today,” he said instead of…you know, ‘hi’. I shrugged.

“It’s cool,” I lied. Seeing him was not going to help anything. I was supposed to be focusing on Tracy. Seeing Shane just brought up all sorts of uncomfortable feelings and made me want to get into his car instead of Tracy’s and go off to the park and talk about the fucking squirrels in the trees.

“Yeah,” Shane said awkwardly. “I’m gonna go. I just brought something. But I’ll leave it. Uhm…have fun. Or whatever.” And he got back into his car without leaving whatever it was that he brought and took off.

Dear World,

You suck. Kind of a lot. Please eat shit.

Sincerely,  
Jacob Miles Taylor

I was in a shitty mood when I got into the car with Tracy and I actually slammed the door. She jumped, but she didn’t say anything about it.

I spent all of five minutes in Tracy’s car before I decided that Mariah Carey was Satan incarnate. Who sings that high? And long? Nobody human. Jesus, could you even call those notes?

I didn’t think so. Tracy, however, didn’t just believe that they were actual notes, she also seemed to be under the misguided impression that they were notes she could actually hit and she sang along. Or screamed along, however you wanna look at it.

She was really into it too. She moved with the music of some slow love ballad and she seemed completely lost in it. It was annoying at first, but the song progressed and Tracy screamed louder and I couldn’t help but laugh. I had been nervous as hell about making a fool of myself and ruining my date, but Tracy was just driving along, not paying any attention to me as she screamed her head off like some sort of tortured banshee.

I was pretty sure that what she was doing would definitely qualify as making a fool of herself and she didn’t seem to mind one bit. And somehow, that helped with my nerves. Just a little bit.

Tracy’s cheeks were tinged pink when the song finally started to fade out and she looked over at me with a smile. Probably because I was laughing and she could finally hear me.

“What?” she asked, raising her eyebrows at me and I laughed harder because she was actually _asking_ me why I was laughing like what she was just doing was completely normal.

“Don’t like Mariah?” Tracy asked after I’d sobered a bit. There was another song playing, but it was low and I wondered when Tracy had turned it down. I definitely hadn’t seen her do it.

“No,” I answered, honestly, shaking my head. “But I like it when you’re singing with her.”

I had meant for her to take that as a joke. I mean, I was being honest, I’d liked listening to her, it made me laugh. But I was kind of going for sarcastic…that’s not how Tracy took it, though. At least, I’m pretty sure she didn’t.

She blushed and smiled at me.

“Thanks,” she said, quietly.

I shrugged. I didn’t really know what to say. I mean, ‘you’re welcome’ is what you usually respond with when someone thanks you but it didn’t even sound right in my head so I kept quiet.

“What kind of music _do_ you listen to?” she asked after a second, which was encouraging. Maybe she wouldn’t be terrible at making conversation, which was good, because I was crap at it.

“Uhm,” I said, thinking. “I listen to everything.” She raised an eyebrow at me, so I added. “Except for Mariah Carey. I don’t like banshees.”

She laughed and shoved me, playfully. It was weird. I was used to being shoved around by friends, but I barely knew Tracy. It was nice, though. Comfortable. I was used to it.

“You’re missing out,” she said clucking her tongue. And that was weird too. But I liked it. I liked her.

We didn’t go to a movie. Tracy, apparently, agreed with Ryan on the topic of conversation during movies and told me we wouldn’t be able to have one during a movie. She drove us to a restaurant.

A fast food restaurant. And I think I liked her even more, then. No pressure from Tracy. She seemed really laid back and it was easy to relax around her and joke and…she made me laugh. She was fun.

“I hate pickles,” Tracy said, taking a small bit of her burger. She’d driven up to the lookout at the park. It was just a parking lot, pretty high up on the hill the park sat on and it looked out over the city. There were a shit load of cars parked around us and I thought the place probably would have been a great ‘make out’ spot for kids our age, but the park closed and you had to be gone before it got dark enough to actually do anything.

I didn’t care. I didn’t give a damn that we wouldn’t actually get to…’do anything’ whatever that might mean. It pissed me off. I felt like I should be disappointed or something. Ry always was, when his dates ended with anything less than a full blown make out session.

I didn’t care, though. And my mood darkened considerably when I realized it. But…I mean…it’s not like I really _knew_ Tracy. Maybe those things took time, right? Like, it was only my first date, I couldn’t be expected to…

Whatever.

I was vaguely aware of Tracy talking in the background about pickles and incompetent drive thru workers that insisted on putting the damn things on her burger. I crumbled my own burger up in the wrapper and…it was kind of a bad idea because ketchup and mayonnaise leaked through a rip in the wrapper and all over my hands. And…gross.

I tossed the burger back in the bag and was just about to look for a napkin when Tracy handed me one.

“Are you okay?” she asked, her expression somewhere between worried and amused. It made me wonder what the hell I looked like right then. I had to be the most transparent person alive.

“I’m cool,” I said, taking the napkin. “Just not really hungry.”

“Oh,” she said, looking at her own burger a little forlornly and I couldn’t help but laughed.

“You can finish,” I said, forcing a smile. “I just kind of ate like a fat ass before I left my house. I thought we’d go to the movies. But you can finish. I don’t mind waiting.”

She smiled, but she tossed her food into the bag right along with mine. “We can still go to the movies,” she offered before taking a drink of her soda. “I mean, it’s still early.”

I would have preferred home just then, but there was a hopeful sort of tone in her voice and…I was stupid. What the fuck was I doing? I liked Tracy. She was cool and fun, even if her taste in music was worse than my mothers. I _liked_ her. That was a good thing.

I just needed to try harder. I couldn’t expect everything to be ‘fixed’ right away. I needed to give it time, and I needed to try harder. I could do that.

“Nah, I don’t feel like watching a movie,” I said, smiling at her. It wasn’t hard to do. The smiling thing. I really did like what I knew of Tracy. Everything could work out. I mean…I was just being impatient. Maybe I had to actually get to know her a little better; spend a little bit more time with her before I actually…wanted more than friendship.

Yes, the thought crossed my mind that it hadn’t taken long at all for that to happen with Shane. I told the thought to fuck off.

I liked her.

“Do you like swimming?” I asked, suddenly. I just…really felt like being in a pool somewhere.

Tracy looked surprised and she was smiling widely at me. “That’s original,” she said, and she nodded, pulling her keys from the car ashtray. “Yeah,” she continued, chuckling and I had no idea why. “Let’s go swimming.”

*****

Going swimming with Tracy was the worst idea I’d ever had in my entire life. All sixteen years of it, and I’d had some pretty bad ideas.

It’d seemed like a great idea. Tracy wouldn’t stop smiling and I’d get to be in the water. It was, like, a win-win situation.

Until we got to the junior high school, where the pool was actually outside and realized we didn’t have any clothes to swim in. It wasn’t a big deal for me. I mean, my boxers covered way more than my Speedos did, but Tracy…

Swimming was just the worst idea I’d ever had in my life.

“It’s still early,” Tracy said, staring at the overly blue pool water in front of us.

Blue. Like Shane’s eyes.

_Stop._ I wasn’t thinking of him. Not on my date. Not like that.

“Uhm,” I responded, looking at the pool water as well. Anywhere but at her.

“I mean, if you’re uncomfortable…” she let it hang.

It sounded like a challenge. A challenge I would have been happy to turn down if I wasn’t terrified of what that might mean about me. Any other guy I knew would be thrilled to be in my shoes. So, I turned to look at Tracy, swallowed and raised an eyebrow.

“I’m _not_ uncomfortable,” I said, all attitude. “I thought _you_ might be.”

I put as much of my mother in my voice as I possibly could and hoped that my ‘I though you might be’ would sound a lot like ‘you _should_ be’ and prayed she’d back down.

She didn’t. Not even a little.

“No reason to be,” she said. “I’ve got a tank top under my shirt.”

Yeah, so…whatever. Who cared, it’s not like I’d never seen a girl naked before. Yeah, they’d all been in the movies that Ry had brought over, but still. Same thing. Same parts.

And it was _normal_ for me to be nervous, right? My experience started and ended with an awkward, experimental, two-second kiss with my best friend. And Chloe had actually laughed afterward.

“All right,” I said, and I hoped Tracy couldn’t hear me swallow nervously. I turned away from her and pulled off my shirt as quickly as I possibly could. I wanted to get into the pool and away from the bad situation where I’d be faced with looking at her and trying to figure out the right way to react to seeing her half naked. Like, was I supposed to pretend it wasn’t happening? Or check her out. Or…god, what if she expected me to say something?

No, I definitely couldn’t face that.

So I dropped my pants and dove, praying that she’d be _in_ the pool when I finally came up for air.

The water was warmer than I thought it’d be. It was getting late and you’d expect the water to be cold, but it wasn’t. I’d dove into colder water on extremely hot days. But the water actually felt warmer against my skin and I made a mental note to swim at night more often.

I must have crossed half the length of the pool before I finally came up for air. It took me awhile to find Tracy, but I did, eventually, sitting on the steps at the other end of the pool.

“You’re on the school team, right?” she said, smoothing her wet hair down. “You as good as Ryan?”

“Yeah,” I lied, snorting. “I’m better.”

She smiled at me and moved to swim toward me. It hadn’t occurred to me until then that swimming with a girl would be a lot different than swimming laps at swim practice. I was actually going to have to interact with her and…stuff.

Her ‘tank top’ was white. And I could totally see through it. Chloe would have called her a slut.

I didn’t. I had a few brain cells to my name. Plus, she didn’t look bad. It was…interesting. She was wearing a bra, so I couldn’t really _see_ anything important, but her shirt clung wetly to her skin and I could tell that her nipples were hard. It was different—much different—than seeing the girls in the movies Ry had shown me and I was a little…intrigued.

And I took that as a good sign. This was good. This was improvement. I was proud of myself…

…For all of about two seconds. Tracy had noticed where my eyes had drifted and my face heated. My ears actually burned.

“I’m sorry,” I said.

Yeah, I actually apologized.

I was never going to speak again.

Tracy thought it was funny though, and she swam closer, laughing the whole way and she clucked her tongue again when she reached me. “You should be sorry,” she said, grinning.

I think I blushed brighter, but I didn’t offer anymore stupid apologies either.

“Hey,” Tracy said, reaching out to put her hand on my shoulder. “ _I’m_ sorry. I didn’t mean…”

“Forget it,” I said, trying to smile. “No big deal.”

She smiled back at me. “For you, maybe,” she said. And then she dunked me.

It was…in a word, weak. I could have stayed above water even if I hadn’t been able to touch the ground. But dunking and playing around seemed like a much better idea than continuing our awkward conversation, so I let her push me under.

I also dragged her down with me. She was sputtering when she came back up and whipping her long hair out of her face in a way that reminded me of Marco when he was still alive, and I laughed at her.

“Oh, _not_ cool,” she said, chest heaving and tore off after me. Ha. I didn’t even have to try to keep a good distance between us and it wasn’t long before she gave up.

“Jesus, maybe you are better than Ryan,” she said and I almost let it slip that she just really sucked and was kind of the slowest person I’d ever been in the pool with. Being around Chloe, though, made me cautious and I wondered whether I’d get hit for saying something like that. And it’s never fun to get smacked when you’re wet.

“I told you I was,” I said, instead, grinning at her. “You thought I was lying?”

“No,” she said, swimming closer to me, and she looked harmless enough so I didn’t run. “I just thought you were doing the ‘guy’ thing.”

“What guy thing?” I asked curiously, furrowing my eyebrows. She laughed at me, coming closer still.

“Never mind,” she said, shaking her head. I shrugged.

“Okay,” I said, slowly, dipping lower into the water to get away from the cold night air. I wondered if it might be time to call it a night. “So, do you think—,” was about as far as I got when trying to ask her if she agreed.

She tackled me and this time, I didn’t have to drag her under with me, because she came willingly. She had her legs wrapped around my torso and one arm wrapped tightly around my neck in a way that I assumed was supposed to be rough, but wasn’t at all. Tracy was softer than anyone else I’d wrestled with and gentler too. I wondered if she was doing it on purpose. I grabbed her, trying to pry her off, but she held tight. I didn’t want to push too hard. With my other friends, I would have punched and kicked and if all else failed, I’d do the bitch fight thing and _pinch_.

But Tracy… She was…smaller and softer than Ry and Shane and even though Chloe was just as small, I knew her well enough to know she could handle the roughness. I didn’t want to hurt Tracy though, so I didn’t try too hard to get her away.

Instead, I let her drag us down until my feet hit the bottom of the pool and kicked, pushing us both back to the surface for air. I expected Tracy to stay latched on but her legs lost their grip and she only had her arm around my neck when we broke the surface.

“You,” I gasped, kicking my legs to stay afloat. “Bitch.”

My eyes widened when the words left my mouth because…well…my mother didn’t raise no fool and I was pretty sure that the word I’d just spoken was enough to get me stranded at the junior high school with no clothes and no ride home, but Tracy just laughed.

“Serves you right,” she said, breathlessly and that probably would have been my cue to laugh. But I didn’t. Because her chest was heaving against mine, her clothes slightly scratchy against my skin. And she was close. Too close and instead of wanting it and leaning toward her, and thinking about _her_ …

…all I could think about was _him_. I’d barely thought about him all night, and there he was. I could see his eyes, his smile, in my mind and…just… Cold fingers and warm, sweet breath and strong arms and…Fuck.

I hadn’t thought about him all night. Or I had, but I’d been doing so well when it came to repressing.

But I couldn’t just then.

Tracy was leaning in, closer and closer and it was taking forever and I wasn’t afraid of her. She wouldn’t ruin my life. She’d fit right in and I liked her. I fucking liked her.

But I didn’t feel _anything_. I liked her and I didn’t feel a thing. With Shane, there had been the paralyzing fear but…I’d wanted it. I wanted him. I was warm and my heart was pounding against my chest and everything was spinning and it felt…good. It was what I wanted to feel with Tracy. It was what I’d been expecting.

But I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t want it. I could have initiated a kiss with Tracy; it would have been so fucking easy. But…I didn’t care. I didn’t want to.

I wanted Shane. I wanted _him_ and I couldn’t make it go away. And it didn’t matter how many girls I fucking dated.

I was vaguely aware of Tracy’s eyes closing and her lips were touching mine and I didn’t want to run. I went with it, but…Fuck.

She was actually kissing me and I’d gotten more feeling from an almost kiss from a _boy_.

God, I was so fucked up.

I wasn’t scared of her the way I was with Shane but I didn’t feel any of the other things I’d felt with him either. It was just…happening. And maybe _this_ is what normal felt like, because I really did like her. I didn’t understand anything.

I was kissing Tracy back and it was nothing. Just her lips rubbing against mine. We may as well have been thumb wrestling. I didn’t want to run, and I didn’t want to respond either. I was shocked that it was happening and it had been all I wanted and _he_ was all I could fucking think about and I hated him for it.

So, I let Tracy kiss me, and I kissed her back, my legs barely kicking beneath me anymore and I slowly started to sink.

“Whoa,” she whispered, trying to pull me back up. “Would that qualify as knocking you off your feet?”

She’d said it with a chuckle and I was pretty sure she was kidding but I couldn’t laugh. I wanted to go home. I wanted to be alone.

“Jake?” she asked pulling at me shoulders. She looked worried.

I felt like shit. She liked me. And I _really_ did like her and I didn’t understand. I didn’t understand anything.

“Jake,” she said again, gripping my shoulders tighter and I really wondered whether it’d be too much to ask to drown right then. The way she was looking at me was…god, I really felt like shit.

“It’s getting late,” I said, and I finally started to kick again. “I should go home. My parents…” are not lame enough to ask that I be home at eight but it seemed like a good excuse. And it was the only one I had.

“Right,” she said, frowning. “What’s—,”

“Nothing,” I interrupted, and I fought to put a smile on my face. “Seriously, everything’s good. We should hang out again.” I wasn’t sure if I meant it but it was enough to make her smile and I just…hated myself. Really a lot. Fuck, I was an asshole.

“All right,” she said nodding, smiling shyly. “I’ll drive you home.”

And she did. I didn’t know what to say to her and I couldn’t even respond when she attempted conversation. I kept my eyes on the road and waited for my street to get close and eventually Tracy gave up on trying to get me to speak, smiling at me shyly every time we hit a red light.

I was going to burn in hell. She was sweet and nice and I _liked_ her, so _why_ wasn’t anything working the way it was supposed to?

Tracy kissed me on the cheek when I got out of the car and I promised to call her before I slammed her car door and ran into my house.

Nothing made sense. Nothing. I didn’t understand and I just…

I hated Shane. I hated Ryan and my family and I hated _me_. I was scared and I just…I couldn’t understand. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t feel anything with a _girl_ who was normal and _good_ for me. I _liked_ her and I couldn’t feel anything for her and I was going to hell.

I ran up to my room and I paced for all of about five minutes before I decided that destroying everything I owned was a much better idea. I wasn’t crying. I really wasn’t. My chest was heaving and I was sobbing, but there were no tears. I was frustrated. I hated everything and I couldn’t stop being angry. So, I threw things. I threw things until my parents came home and I still threw things.

But…that sort of thing makes a lot of noise and it wasn’t long before my mother came barging in. Without even knocking.

“ _Jake_ ,” My mother gasped staring at the disaster area that was my bedroom. I was shaking and tired and I swear I would have collapsed if I wasn’t so…I don’t know what I was.

“Mom,” I croaked and then my eyes did water. Because I couldn’t fucking fix anything and I loved my mother. I loved her and I couldn’t change and she was going to hate me. “Mommy?”

And my mother rushed forward the way she had when I’d fallen off my bike my first time without training wheels. She hugged me, tightly and rocked me side to side and I could hear her asking me what was wrong but _nothing made any sense anymore_. I couldn’t answer. And, though my eyes had watered, I couldn’t cry.

“What’s going on in here?”

It was my dad, standing in the doorway to my bedroom staring at my mother and me with an expression that may have just been worried, but looked suspicious.

I couldn’t handle that. I couldn’t handle anything.

“I’ve got to go to the bathroom,” I announced, stalking past my dad, out of the room. The bathroom was down the hall but I’d never intended to go there. I just knew I’d never get past my dad if I’d told the truth.

I ran down the stairs, ignoring my parents’ shouts and shot out the front door before they even took a step to come after me.

I don’t think I need to tell you where I ran to. I’m not exactly the unpredictable type.

***

Shane’s house was dark when I got there. I didn’t even go to the door. I stood on the sidewalk staring at it, wanting more than anything to throw some more stuff.

I never rang the doorbell. I wasn’t sure what I was doing there exactly, but I didn’t want to see him. I was positive that seeing him in the middle of my breakdown was probably the worst thing I could do.

But…remember how the universe hates me? I never had to ring the doorbell. Shane came out. He cheated, though. He didn’t come out of the front door where I would have seen him and had ample time to run away. He came around the side of the house. Fucker. I didn’t think his house had a backdoor. I definitely hadn’t seen one when I’d been over last.

“Someone’s going to call the cops on you,” he whispered, scaring the shit out of me. “There are kids in the house and you look like a creepy serial killer.”

“I hate you,” I responded, crazily. Shane frowned at me, reaching for my arm. I ripped away.

“Come in, Jake,” he said, looking at me a little cautiously. “I was serious about my neighbors calling the cops on you. You’d have been hauled off by now, but you look too short to be a serial killer.”

“No,” I snapped and he rolled his eyes. “I don’t want to come in.”

“Then go home,” he sighed. “You choose.”

He turned away, retracing his footsteps around the side of the house and I followed him, angrily.

“You ruined my date,” I called after him at the side of his house and he whirled around to face me, eyes blazing, blue, so fucking blue and I was going crazy.

“Did I?” he asked crossing his arms over his chest.

I nodded, completely ignoring the warning tone in his voice. “Yes,” I went on. “And you broke my TV, and you destroyed my room and _you’re driving me crazy!_ ”

He shrugged, glaring at me. “It’s been a busy day, hasn’t it?” he said and I shoved him against the side of the house.

“It’s not fucking funny, Shane!” I screamed and he stopped glaring at me long enough to look around, assumingly to see if my yelling had attracted any attention.

“Jesus, Jake, be quiet,” he said. “My family is sleeping; we have church in the morning.”

“I don’t care,” I said, but I lowered my voice, thinking of his father. “You’re ruining my life.”

“Fine,” he snapped, pushing me away from him. I kept my balance and pushed him right back. “Then why don’t you stay away from me?” he said, raising his voice. “What the fuck are you doing here?”

I couldn’t answer that. I couldn’t tell him that things just weren’t good without him and I was going crazy _with_ him and I was confused and…Jesus. I couldn’t tell him about what happened on my date or that…that I thought about him. I hadn’t meant to come to his house and I _hadn’t_ wanted to see him. But…I needed to yell at him. I needed to yell at someone and he was the only one that _knew_. He was the only…just…

He was the only one.

“I fucking hate you,” I said finally and I leaned in and kissed him.


	7. Chapter 7

Everything was so still. It felt like forever before either of us moved or even breathed. He just _stood_ there, completely tense, and for the most horrifying second of my life, I worried that I might have been wrong. That Ryan might have been wrong. And I started spinning insane scenario’s in my head, trying to figure out the _real_ reason Shane had leaned in close that day.

Then he sighed. His body relaxed and he pressed his lips harder against mine and I forgot how to form rational thoughts. My mind went completely blank and it was better than even being in the pool. His lips were so…fucking soft and warm. Strong and pliant at the same time. He’d be pressing hard, almost aggressively against me, but the second I pushed back, he gave and let me take control.

Can I just say; fuck control.

I felt his tongue playing lightly over my lower lip and I gasped, parting my mouth to let him in and it was good and I _wanted_ it. His tongue was liquid fire and I fucking _craved_ it. And right then, I couldn’t have cared less that we were standing outside, in the open where anyone could catch me in the act. I could hear my blood flowing in my ears and I was _hot_. Burning up and it only got worse when he actually touched me, his hand moving to my hip, fingers playing at the hem of my shirt.

And this-- _this_ I could feel. Something as small as Shane’s fingers flitting against my hip made me feel like my spine was on fire while Tracy had full on made out with me, wet with hardly any clothes on and I couldn’t feel anything.

I never wanted it to stop. And when Shane started to pull away from me, I pressed in closer. Harder. I wasn’t ready just yet...

He didn’t complain, thrusting his tongue deeper into my mouth and everything was spinning so fast and slow and I was fucking dizzy. Drunk. I felt warm all over. His chest was hard…strong against mine and he still wasn’t close enough. I clenched my fists in the back of his shirt pulling him in tighter. My knuckles scraped against side of his house and it didn’t matter. I didn’t care if it cut. I could hardly feel it.

I could feel Shane’s tongue though. And his teeth when he pulled back a fraction to nibble at my lower lip and I couldn’t help wondering where the hell he’d learned that. His teeth were sharp and it stung just a bit but in a good way. The way that sent me reeling with the sensation and I wondered exactly how much experience he had. For a second I was terrified that I wasn’t doing it right. That he might think I was pathetic in comparison to all the other people he’d been kissing. You know the ones I made up in my little fit of insecurity.

But instead of backing off at the thought, I tried harder. I pressed him harder against the wall, almost violently and I swear to fucking God, he groaned. It shocked the hell out of me and my heart pounded so hard against my chest I’d have sworn he could feel it. I felt that warm liquid feeling in my stomach and I could feel pressure. The good kind of pressure that I’d only ever felt on my own in my room. And yeah, we were kissing. Full on making out, even. But I really didn’t want him to feel _that_.

I hesitated, pausing to calm myself down and possibly move the lower part of my body a couple inches back, but Shane had other ideas and after one last kiss, soft and gentle and nothing like what we’d just been up to, he slid his hands up my chest and pressed, urging me back, however gently.

He cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak but nothing came out. And I was glad. I didn’t want to talk. Kissing was better. I wanted to do more of that. Preferably somewhere else. Like his room because now that there was some space between us, I could think about how stupid it was to be making out with a boy so out in the open.

I wanted to run again. Or rather, I felt like I _should_ want to run again. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to be alone. While I was there with Shane, at his house where nobody knew me, maybe it would be okay to _not_ feel like a disgusting freak. Shane didn’t think it was weird. Obviously. Shane knew and he didn’t care. Obviously. I couldn’t think straight and my head was still a little fogged and…I kind of wanted to kiss him again. Kind of, a lot.

“Uhm,” Shane whispered after clearing his throat again. “That was…uhm. Well.” He sounded a lot like me. I could barely hear him though. I couldn’t stop staring at his lips. It was insane and I was insane, but they were so fucking red. And swollen.

Because of me. And fuck me; I was proud of it, in a way. It was almost exciting.

I really should have run home and destroyed more of the house. Running away to Mexico didn’t seem like a horrible idea either and it was definitely at the top of my list of things to do…after I kissed him some more. Just a little more.

“That was the last thing I expected,” Shane finally said, staring at me a little awestruck. “Why—I mean—I thought…look,” he sighed, looking frustrated, but for the first time since I’d met him, he didn’t look like he was frustrated with _me_. More like he was frustrated with himself.

“Do you wanna go inside?” I asked because I lost my brain somewhere between the sidewalk in front of his house and the narrow path on the side of it. I wasn’t really all that interested in finding it.

“Jake—,” Shane started, but I interrupted him.

“I want to,” I said and it couldn’t have shocked Shane more than it did me. Honesty? That was new.

Shane frowned at me, narrowing his eyes and I wondered whether we’d be fighting again soon. I found I didn’t mind. Our last two fights had both ended just about the same way and considering I really wanted his lips against mine right then, I found I almost hoped we’d be fighting again if it meant we’d end up doing the kissing thing again.

“Look, Jake,” Shane sighed. “Maybe you should—,”

“What,” I snapped, stepping back. “Go home? If I do that, I’m probably not going to talk to you again for awhile.” Huh. More honesty. It was starting to scare me.

“Yes, you will,” Shane retorted, rolling his eyes.

“No, I won’t,” I said, shaking my head. I’d want to talk to him, but I wouldn’t do it. Not after I got home and had time to think about everything. After the smell of his cologne or whatever it was, on my skin faded and I actually _could_ think. I didn’t want that because…right then, everything was good. I could still feel Shane’s fingers on my hip and neck and in my hair. I could still feel the heat of his lips and it was _good_. Everything was good and I felt like the tension that I’d been carrying around over the last month was completely gone. I wanted that feeling to last. I wanted to keep it for as long as possible and I knew it would be gone before long if I went home. The panic would set in eventually.

I wanted to feel…good for just a little while longer. I wanted him to make me feel like I was spinning and falling at the same time. While on fire. Just a little while longer before I had to go back to being…whatever the hell I was. ‘Normal’? Whatever the fuck.

“Jake,” Shane sighed again. He reached out toward me, but dropped his hand at the last second and it was stupid. I didn’t get it. I was there and so obviously not opposed to having him touch me. Why’d he have to make it difficult?

“Jake,” he repeated in that same careful tone of voice and I glared at him. He ignored me and went on. “I thought you weren’t…”

“Bullshit,” I said simply and he actually smiled at me. The honesty? No idea where it was coming from but it felt…it felt so fucking good. Shane knew. And I knew and I wasn’t pretending anymore. Shane knew anyway and denying it would only make me look even more pathetic. I could just be...real. Without all the bullshit and the pretending. And maybe it was okay for just one night.

Just one night. I wanted to drag it out for as long as I possibly could. I didn’t want to do any more than we were already doing, but I definitely wanted more of the kissing. And the touching. Just for the night.

“You should go,” Shane said after a moment. I really wanted to punch him or something.

“Why?” I asked and then frowned at how pathetic I sounded, but I couldn’t stop talking. “You don’t want me to—,”

Shane snorted, rolling his eyes and he shoved me. “Uhm. Yeah. Obviously. But no.”

Yeah. That made all the sense in the world, right?

“ _What_?” I said, a little frustrated.

Shane laughed and this time when he reached out to touch me, he didn’t pull away at the last minute.

“I think you need time to, like…think or something,” he said, shrugging but he was smiling at me.

I rolled my eyes. “Fine,” I snapped and I shrugged his hand off my shoulder. “I’ll go home and think but _you_ get to explain my trip to Mexico to my parents.”

Shane raised an eyebrow at me, smirking, and crossed his arms over his chest. “Mexico?” he said, bemused.

I nodded. “Yup,” I said, looking up at the sky. “My mom’s gonna be pissed. So, _you_ get to deal with the aneurism. And my dad is gonna shit himself. You get to clean that up too.”

Shane laughed, stepping closer to me. “My punishment for ruining your room…and your date?”

And _that_ wasn’t something I wanted to think about. I didn’t answer him and I lost the smile I’d been sporting as some of the euphoria I’d been somewhat lost in, faded.

“Jake,” Shane sighed again and I swore if he said my name like that one more time I was going to do to him what I did to my poor TV. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

I sighed, rolling my eyes. If he was going to make me talk about it, then leaving would probably be the best option because I was sure it wouldn’t end well.

“Yeah,” I said crossing my arms over my chest. “I’m good, bro. I was just kidding about Mexico.”

He laughed again. “Yeah,” he whispered. “I figured.”

“I’m gonna go,” I said, stepping backward. “See you.”

“Jake,” Shane said again, but this time he didn’t say it like he was talking to a traumatized child.

“Yeah,” I said, still walking away from him.

“Do you want to come in?”

It’s stupid but I didn’t accept the invitation right away. Not because I needed to think about it. I was doing everything I could to keep my mind as blank as possible. Or…to think about _anything_ thing else. But I wasn’t sure if he was serious. I just…I felt like I pressured him into asking me. Made him feel bad or something and I almost declined.

Until I looked at his face. He had this look in his eyes that was somewhere between cautious and excited and I knew I wasn’t going to say no.

Just one night.

“Whatever,” I shrugged, trying not to be completely pathetic. “If it’s cool.”

He grinned at me, almost mischievously. “It is, if _you’re_ cool,” he shot back.

I rolled my eyes. “Shut up,” I said and he laughed at me.

“Come on,” he said, stepping forward and grabbing my arm, dragging me with him. “We’ll watch a movie or something in my room.”

I grinned and followed him inside, confident that I wouldn’t see a minute of whatever movie he decided to put on.

*******

Once, when I was in elementary, I got invited to a party at DZ, the Discovery Zone, but my parents wouldn’t let me go. I’d never been and I threw a fit when my mother told me no. She swore I’d have just as much fun staying home with Ryan and Chloe. And I probably would have if I could have stopped thinking about what I was missing out on for more than two seconds. Instead, I pouted the entire time and Chloe ended up leaving early. Ryan left too, but he came back, with the pamphlet on menstrual cycles that he stole from Chloe. I spent the next couple of weeks thinking I was going to have mood swings and bleed in questionable places once a month for the rest of my life. My father finally set me straight when he found me examining myself in the bathroom one day, in a complete panic.

The point?

Sitting up in Shane’s room, I kind of felt exactly the same way that I’d felt that day my mother made me stay home while the rest of my class was having a blast at Carter’s party.

I would have sworn he wasn’t serious when he said we’d watch a movie. I was wrong. And what’s worse, Shane was totally laughing at me.

“It’s a good movie, he said around a spoonful of the peanut butter he was eating right out of the jar.

“I bet,” I said, rolling my eyes. The thing is, I didn’t doubt it was a good movie. There were just other things I’d really have rather been doing at the moment. Shane knew that, and he was laughing at me. Asshole.

I guess I could have left. But…it’s weird and it doesn’t make any sense…I felt okay. As long as I was there, away from my life, where I didn’t have to worry about anyone finding out about me because the only person around already knew and was obviously okay with it.

I just wished he’d stop fucking snickering. I already knew I was pathetic. He was making it worse. I glared at him. “Shut up.”

He just kept laughing. “Peanut butter?” he offered, holding out his spoon.

I probably could have kissed the fucking smile right off his face. I was almost positive he wouldn’t stop me. But I couldn’t do it. Yeah, I was the one that started it the first time around, but I was angry then and I wasn’t thinking. Besides, I didn’t want to do it if he didn’t. Plus, he had peanut butter in his mouth and I couldn’t think of a good way to go about it without ending up covered in the stuff and humiliated.

So I just sat there. And I pouted. The same way I did when my mother refused to let me got to the party in third grade.

Maybe _Pride_ was a great movie. I’d never know it.

I tried watching it. I even stared at the screen for a solid ten minutes without looking over at Shane sitting next to me on his bed. But I didn’t see any of it. I mean, I was watching the screen, but I was listening to him. Waiting to see if he was going to _do_ something. I paid attention to everything, the smallest of movements, sure that he was going to reach for me any second.

He didn’t. The credits rolled and the movie was over and the jar of peanut butter in Shane’s hand had gotten more attention than I had.

“What’s going on?” I asked when Shane got up to take the movie out of the DVD player. Seriously, I _knew_ he liked me. Why else would he put up with my shit? And I was pretty sure he was into making out with me. I mean, he seemed like he was. And he started the whole thing. It was _his_ fault I’d been being such a spazz.

“Don’t know what you’re talking about,” he said, without looking at me. Bullshit. I was a pro when it came to bullshit and it was easy to spot.

“Yes, you do,” I said and paused before adding, “Asshole,” for good measure.

He just shrugged. “We’re in my room,” he pointed out, looking up at me.

“Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I kinda knew that.”

“No one’s going to walk in,” he said, moving to sit on the bed, voice getting lower, quieter, with every word.

“So?” I pressed, completely confused as to why that would be a _bad_ thing. I was pretty sure I’d _die_ if anyone did walk in.

“ _So_ ,” he said, frustrated. “No one’s going to…interrupt us. Or…stop… _it_.”

That was the fucking _point_. God, I really wished he’d start making sense sometime soon. I was already confused enough on my own. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to touch him and be close…but I didn’t. I wanted...I didn’t know what the fuck I wanted. I just knew that kissing him felt good. And maybe I couldn’t have that in real life. Maybe in my real life, I couldn’t want that, but his room…his house…wasn’t a part of _my_ real life. I could think about Ry and Chloe and my parents in the morning. Just…just one night of not thinking. _That’s_ what I wanted.

Shane sighed, flopping back onto his bed. He was quiet and it was awhile before there was any sound in the room aside from the rhythmic sound of breathing. And when he did decide to say something, he shot up, looking determinedly into my eyes before throwing a handful of words at me that didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

“There are boundaries, right?” he said, talking the way my father did when he was trying to explain where babies came from. “And…I don’t know what they are…and I don’t think _you_ know what they are…and if we keep going—alone, in my room, when no one’s going to interrupt and no one is going to stop it—we’ll probably find out what the boundaries were _after_ I do something stupid and you run away and stop speaking to me again and you don’t want to talk about anything so…”

“Shut up,” I snapped closing my eyes and trying to focus enough to be able to put the words he’d just spat at me into actual sentences that I understood. Shane listened, at least, and shut his mouth, waiting for me to respond.

“Boundaries?” I started carefully after a minute and he nodded. “It doesn’t’ matter,” I said.

“Uhm…yeah, actually, it does because…”

“I’m gonna run away, anyways,” I went on before he could start again and he frowned. “But…I’ll try not to stop talking to you.”

He thought about that, at least, I assumed that’s what he was doing when he stared at the ceiling silently for a couple minutes. And I waited. I didn’t ramble about senseless things to drown out the silence and I didn’t reach for a remote to turn on the TV for the white noise. I just waited.

But he never said anything.

He did finally reach for me, though. He pulled me in, slowly, looking into my eyes the whole time and it didn’t bother me at all, for once.

“This,” I said, quietly as he pulled me closer. “I’m okay with, you know… _this_.”

“Yeah,” he said, sort of dazedly, breaking our eye contact to stare at my lips.

I could feel his lips before they ever touched mine and I finally closed my eyes and lost track of _every-fucking-thing_ as he kissed me. Softly, at first, but it didn’t take long to build and he lost whatever hesitation he’d had and touched me, running his hands up and down my back, then back up to squeeze my neck, and down the front over my chest. And that was good. ‘In bounds’, apparently because it didn’t bother me at all. It was good and I wasn’t thinking and the world wasn’t ending. Everything was good and I don’t think I’d ever felt anything like it. I’d never felt anything as fucking good. Heat, scalding heat, and I was turned on the whole time by a boy and it was okay.

Right then, everything was okay.

*******

I was actually happy when I left Shane’s house. I wasn’t freaking out and overanalyzing and it actually surprised me. My brain was blissfully mush and I had a floaty sort of feeling. It was disgustingly pathetic but I couldn’t stop smiling. I couldn’t even bring myself to worry too much about my family or my friends. They’d never find out anyway. Nobody would. I couldn’t have made myself feel guilty if I tried. I was just…so tired of it. Of pretending and being worried all the time… and trying so fucking hard to be…normal.

I wasn’t even sure what that word meant anymore. Because Shane…kissing Shane and having him touch me or touching him…felt way more normal than kissing Tracy did. And no, I didn’t want to lose my friends. Or my family. They still meant more to me than Shane did; I’d known them all my life. But…I wasn’t hurting them. They didn’t know. No harm, no foul, right? They never had to know. I could keep my family and maybe I could keep Shane too and no one would ever have to run away to Mexico.

Or maybe, I was just high. I felt that way, at least. I was sure it would pass, but I sure as hell wasn’t going to rush it.

My parents were up when I got home, though, and while I _still_ couldn’t stop feeling pathetically giddy, it was sort of mixed in with the dread I felt at the lecture I was about to get. I’d completely forgotten about the way I’d run off.

“I’m sorry,” I said, the second I walked in. My father almost dropped his cup of coffee and mom didn’t even yell at him for the stain on the carpet.

“What,” my mother started slowly, while my father just stared at me, “the _hell_ were you thinking?”

“I—,”

“Do you have any idea what you put me through,” she went on, her face turning red. “I’ve been worried sick! It’s been hours, Jacob, you could have picked up a phone at let us know you were okay! I was seconds away from calling the cops.”

It was such a change from when she was holding me in my room. I would have expected my father to be the one yelling at me, but he wasn’t saying a word. He just stood there, staring at me, while my mother lectured to her hearts content, making sure I knew just how worried she was about me. You’d think she’d be hugging me, telling me how glad she was that I was home safe. She wasn’t. She was all about the yelling and making me feel like shit.

It went on so long that I couldn’t handle standing anymore. I leaned against the wall by the front door, barely even hearing what she was saying anymore. And when it didn’t look like she was going to stop any time soon, I slid down to sit on the floor. I was tired and I wanted to go to my room and replay my night. The good parts anyway. I wanted to replay them until I got that ‘high’ feeling back and I could feel—good again but mom was taking for fucking ever.

I was extremely grateful when the front door opened to reveal my two best friends. Saved.

Except…not really. They didn’t even see me.

“Mrs. Taylor,” Ry said, sounding out of breath. “We found him.”

Shit.

“Did you?” my mother said smartly, raising her eyebrows.

“Yeah,” Chloe agreed, nodding. “We found him up on the trail next to Riley Middle,” she added, completely oblivious to my presence.

“He doesn’t want to come home yet,” Ry went on before my parents could say anything and I loved my friends I really did, but God, we were all going to catch hell for this. I could have interrupted. It would get Chloe and Ry off the hook…but my mother would have killed me. I looked around for something to throw…something small enough not to attract too much attention from my mother, but big enough to get Ry or Chloe to look at me. I cursed the fact that my mother was a neat freak.

“Oh,” my mother said crossing her arms. My father looked like he was about to laugh. “And did my son tell you _why_ he ran off in the first place?”

“He’s just stressed,” Chloe said, chewing on her lip.

“About what exactly?” my mother countered and she was so obviously trying her damnedest not to look at me, it wasn’t funny.

“School,” Chloe responded at the same time that Ry said, “Girls.” And then my father _did_ laugh.

“School and girls,” my mother said, ignoring my father completely. “Hmm. Is that true, Jacob?”

I let go of the shoelace I was currently trying to unlace to throw. “Sure, why not. It might have something to do with my mother too,” I said, rolling my eyes. My mother actually looked hurt. Like my two little sentences could hold a candle to the chewing out she’d just done.

“Jake,” Ry said, feigning shock. “You came home?”

Yeah Ry, and I just happened to beat you over here, you idiot. I didn’t say it, but I was positive he knew I was thinking it. Besides, it was kind of cool of him and Chlo. It’s the thought that counts or whatever.

“Yeah,” I said instead, playing along with the lie that was never going to work. Shame. I might not have had to deal with my mother’s bullshit if I’d only stayed with Shane for a couple more minutes. The lie might have worked brilliantly if I wasn’t actually _there_ when they told it.

As it was, my mother was glaring at us with enough anger in her eyes to make me want to shit myself.

“I’ve got to go,” Chloe said, folding, and she took off out of the house.

Ry sighed, watching as she closed the door behind her. “I’d go too, if I thought she was actually going to get away with that,” he said.

He moved over to slide down the wall and sit next to me, resignedly. “Sorry, JM,” he told my mother using the nickname he’d given her when we were in fourth grade and he’d gotten tired of calling her ‘Jake’s mom’. “If it helps my case, I was gonna keep looking for him after we got him out of trouble. And Chloe agreed ‘cause she thought it’d stop you worrying.”

“And what, pray tell, would you have done if you hadn’t been able to find him?” she asked, coldly. Good God, my mother could be scary.

Ry swallowed. “I hear Mexico’s nice this time of year,” he replied, unsteadily which kind of killed the sarcasm I know he was going for— and I _know_ it wasn’t a good time to be laughing but I really couldn’t help it, thinking about the conversation I’d had with Shane earlier. Just fucking thinking of him made it hard to breathe again. Like I was so full of _something_ that I didn’t have any room left for air. It was good and it made me feel dizzy.

My mother didn’t think it was funny, though. She looked like her head was going to explode from all the blood that’d traveled there.

“Uhm,” my father finally spoke up, moving to put his hand on her arm. “Go to your room. And clean it,” he said sternly. I had thought that he might be a little more lenient but his tone of voice made me think otherwise.

“Okay,” I said, standing. I grabbed Ry’s arm to pull him up when it didn’t look like he’d be following me.

The last thing I would have expected when Ry and I got to my room was anger from him. But he was pissed. And he punched me. Not in the playful way either.

“What the fuck is your problem, dude?” he said, shoving me against the wall. “You know you made Chloe cry? She flipped when she saw your room. Asshole. Do you _have_ to be such a fucking drama queen?”

It was turning into the longest night of my life. Ry was _not_ helping and I was all too happy to shove him right back. “Me? A drama queen? _You_ run off at least twice a week without telling your father where you’re going.”

“Yeah,” Ry spat. “But he _knows_ where I go. I come _here_ , fucker. Where the hell did _you_ go for three goddamn hours?”

“None of your fucking business,” I shot back, glaring at him. He glared right back. “Jesus, Ry,” I said. “I needed to get away. Give it a rest, you sound like my mother.”

Ry sighed, shoving me one more time before turning to throw himself on my bed. “Sorry,” he said. “But it’s fucked, dude. I mean, I get it; I hate my father. I’d go crazy if I couldn’t get away, but why didn’t you just come to my house? I wouldn’t have had to waste a full tank of gas looking for your ass. And you made Chloe cry. It was fucking weird.”

“I’m sorry, okay?” I said, frustrated. “I’ve just…got some stuff…”

“Yeah,” Ry nodded, rolling his eyes. “The stuff you’re not talking about. Chloe told me.”

“Nothing to tell,” I retorted.

He snorted, bitterly. “That’s why you decided to murder your television? Right.”

“It wasn’t exactly a flat screen,” I said flatly, looking at the piece of shit broken television that was probably better off with a cracked screen.

Ry grinned, albeit reluctantly. “Yeah,” he said, rolling his eyes. “It’s really not. Seriously, though, bro, you could have just come to my house like you usually do. You could have blown off some steam there. Or we could have taken off.”

“Right,” I snorted, derisively. “You’re already grounded.”

“You’re point?” Ry laughed. “You’re always getting into trouble for me. It would have been an exciting change.”

I shrugged, sighing. “I wasn’t really thinking when I left. I just took off,” I elbowed him. “Next time, we’ll take off. Mexico sounded good.”

“Yeah,” Ry laughed, shaking his head. “Next time.” He sat up. “I’m gonna jet. I’ve got another five hours of slavery tomorrow.”

“Cool,” I nodded and I was… relieved. I’d wanted nothing more than to be alone since I’d left Shane’s…God, I’d almost forgotten about him. Almost.

“What are you smiling about,” Ry asked, as he stepped away from my bed.

“Nothing,” I replied immediately. “I wasn’t smiling.”

“Someone got lucky,” Ry teased, and I was fucking horrified until he added, “Is Tracy really as high maintenance as everyone says.”

Oh. Tracy. “No…” I replied slowly. “She was cool.” Yes, I felt the guilt. I was just trying really hard not to.

“I bet,” Ry said with a shit eating grin. “Oh, I almost forgot,” he added suddenly, digging into the pocket of his oversized hoodie. He pulled out a crumpled ball of brown paper. “Shane left this for you right after you left for you date.”

 _That_ got my attention and I snatched the bag away from Ry before he finished his sentence. Obviously, I’m the subtlest person in the world.

“What is it?” I asked, hoping like hell Ryan wouldn’t be able to answer the question. It was just…a brown piece of paper, but you would have sworn it held every last one of my secrets, the way I was behaving.

Ry shrugged, though. “I think it’s grease,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “There’s a stain on my shirt from it. What’s with that? Is it like…a better smelling version of flaming shit? Is Shane pissed at you?”

I shrugged. “Maybe,” I lied. I mean, he might have been pissed at me earlier, but I was positive he wasn’t anymore. Not if the making out was anything to go by.

“Whatever,” Ry said, rolling his eyes. “The kid’s weird.” He laid a hand on my shoulder squeezing a bit before moving toward the door. I wanted him to get the fuck out already. I really wanted to know what was on the piece of paper.

I barely even heard Ry’s muttered ‘Later’ when he finally stepped out of the room, but the minute he shut the door behind him I started unfolding—or un-crumpling.

Turns out, the brown piece of paper was actually a brown paper bag. And when I finally got it open, I found Ry hadn’t been that far off when he suggested it might just be grease. He was actually pretty close.

Inside the bag, wrapped in a sandwich bag was a cold quesadilla that looked like it’d been drenched in butter and I laughed. It felt weird laughing alone and I wasn’t sure I’d ever done it before unless I was watching TV or something, but I couldn’t help it.

And I couldn’t stop. That seemed to be the norm when it came to Shane. I just…could never stop. He’d made it impossible to _stop_.

I didn’t eat it. Not just because I though I might die a very quick death of cholesterol overdose either. It just didn’t feel like the right thing to do. It looked like something that would be better off in the trash, or better yet, a toxic waste bin, but that didn’t feel like the right thing either. So, I put it back in the bag and as I did, I found something else in there.

A note. But it didn’t hold all of my secrets and I was pretty sure that Ry wouldn’t have understood if he had read it anyway. Hell, _I_ didn’t even understand it and I definitely had no idea why I couldn’t get rid of my smile after reading it.

It was just one sentence. One silly, ridiculous sentence made all the more ridiculous by the fact that it made me grin like a moron and made all the feelings I’d been experiencing before I’d set foot in my house all come rushing back.

_Can you believe it’s not butter?_


	8. Chapter 8

Sundays are always bad. You spend the night before up way too late and by the time you wake up on Sunday; it’s already too late to actually enjoy the day. You have to spend what little time you do have on the homework you’ve been neglecting all weekend and when that’s done, you lay in bed trying to make yourself go to sleep for school the next day.

At least, that’s how Sundays are for me.

Most Sundays. Apparently, I was actually looking forward to this particular day or something because I woke up at ten in the morning. That’s like, a record for me on the weekend. I hate mornings and I always put off leaving my bed for as long as possible.

I woke up smiling. Fucking smiling. I didn’t think I’d ever woken up smiling before, but I was thinking of _him_ , the second I opened my eyes, and something inside me swelled. I took a breath and it felt better than it ever had before. It was strange and new and something that I could definitely get used to. I’d never taken pleasure out of simply breathing before.

I wanted to see him again. I actually _tried_ to be horrified by that thought. _Tried_ to hate myself for it. _Tried_ to tell myself to stop thinking about him, but nothing worked and when I walked downstairs with a smile on my face, the vein in my mother’s forehead bulged like I’d never seen it before.

“Uhm,” I said, stepping back out of the kitchen before I’d even fully entered it. “I cleaned my room, and now I’m gonna go…clean something else. I’m grounded, right?” She didn’t answer. Just glared and I took another step back. “Right. Grounded. Sounds good.”

Her eyes widened further, so I finally shut up and ran. Literally. Right out the back door, but not before shouting that I wouldn’t leave the house.

I mowed the lawn. Yeah, I’d totally already done that, like three days ago, but I couldn’t leave the house and I needed to _do_ something. I couldn’t sit still. I had a lot of energy and I didn’t know what to do with any of it and if I couldn’t calm down a little when the lawn was finished, I fully intended to suck up and kiss as much ass as it would take for my mom to let me go across to Chloe’s to use the pool.

It was just…good. I mean, I would have sworn that when I woke up that morning, I was going to be freaking out and trying to figure out a way to get Shane away from me and keep him away. But I wasn’t.

I was trying to figure out how I could get to see him again without pushing my mother into sending me off to some boot camp or something. Just…everything felt so good. And I felt…different. Better.

I mean, yeah, I still had to worry about keeping it secret, and I’d still have to be careful around my friends…but when it was just me and Shane alone…it could be okay. I could let myself feel…everything. I mean, I knew it wouldn’t work forever and…but maybe for a little while I could forget about what was and wasn’t normal and just…everything could be good.

And I wouldn’t have to lose my friends either. I could have them both. My family and Shane. Maybe.

I was kind of lost in thought so I kind of almost shit myself when Shane tapped my shoulder.

“Holy fucking shit!” I screamed and the lawn mower went dead as I let go of it.

“Language,” Shane scolded, mockingly. “Your mother’s inside. She sent me out here. She said to tell you, you’re not grounded, but you two are going to have a ‘talk’ later. Sucks to be you, bro.”

“Yeah,” I nodded. I would rather have been grounded.

So, here’s the thing. I had no idea what to say. And I was sort of terrified that he’d touch me or something. Not that I had a problem with that or anything, not when we were alone, behind a locked door. I wouldn’t freak if he did it, then. But outside of my house where _any_ of the people I wanted to keep my little secret from most could see us, I definitely had a problem with it. And I had no idea what I would do if he tried anything.

He was gay. And he seemed to be completely okay with that. So, it didn’t seem that far fetched to think he might try something. Like kiss me or touch me or something like that.

But he didn’t.

He just laughed at me when I took a few steps away and shook his head. “You’re paranoid. But I sorta knew that. So, you wanna go inside? You mom was cooking and I’m all over taking advantage of my excellent timing, if that’s cool…”

I hesitated. Mostly because I didn’t think he was serious, especially since all I could think about was tasting his lips and having his hands in the most inappropriate places possible. Yeah, I know I was just saying how scared I was that he might touch me. I’m a complicated guy.

“You wanna have breakfast?” I asked skeptically. “With my mother?”

Shane laughed again. “Yeah,” he said. “If it’s cool. My family rushed off to church and I kind of have to fend for myself. We’re out of cereal at my house and that’s the only breakfast food I know how to cook so…”

“So, you decided to mooch off us?” I finished for him, smiling, for no apparent reason. Except, Shane has a dimple in just one of his cheeks when he smiles and it’s kind of cool to look at.

“Yeah,” Shane agreed, nodding. “But if it’s not cool—,”

“No,” I interrupted immediately. “It’s cool. I’m game. I could eat.”

Then he did touch me. He reached out and grabbed my hand. Not to hold. Just a slight tug in the direction of my house, his middle finger brushing the palm of my hand before he let go.

And just that small amount of touching was enough to make the swelling, hard to breathe feeling come back. No inappropriate touching or tasting necessary.

Yes, breakfast with my mom and Shane was sort of a terrifying thought. But it wasn’t as bad as I thought it’d be and I didn’t really have time to think about it with the way Shane made me go a little blank every time he smiled at me. My mother and Shane seemed to be doing fine with conversation without me contributing so I was happy to sit by and eat my omelet without adding anything other than the occasional monosyllabic grunt.

That is, until my mother decided to start in with her insane questions. I almost missed it.

“…been doing with my son?”

Choking on an omelet is messy. And it’s embarrassing. There were tiny egg particles everywhere.

“ _Mom_ ,” I snapped, eyes watering. “What—,”

“Oh, hush, Jake,” she responded rolling her eyes. “That coach of yours does overwork you kids, in my opinion.” She turned back to Shane. “Not that either of my boys will say anything about it.”

Relief doesn’t even come close to what I was feeling. I felt like I’d just fallen off a cliff and found that the ground was really only two feet beneath me instead of the thousands I was expecting.

“I just don’t understand what you all could possibly be practicing for two hours, three days a week. I’ll find out what that coach of yours has been doing with you,” my mother continued, mostly talking to herself. “Roger is impossible though.”

“Roger?” Shane and I chorused.

“Your coach,” my mother said, frowning. “Horrible man.”

“Coach is alright,” Shane responded awkwardly. He’d finished his omelet. Which meant it was time to run away as quick as possible. “We run drills and work out some. It’s mostly fun. Coach just likes to pretend he’s a hard ass—um…I mean he likes to pretend he’s as hard core as the football coach.”

“We’ll see,” my mother said, thoughtfully. “I wonder if it might be possible for me to sit in on one of these practices.”

“Psycho,” I coughed, dropping my fork. Seriously, I had no idea what had gotten into my mother. She used to be one of those moms that smiled when she saw you, but looked at you like she wasn’t sure if she remembered you name. I missed that. _That_ was what I was used to. My mother had never been the overprotective type before she went out and found that church group. Or maybe it was the book club.

Whatever. One of them was making her neurotic.

My mother was glaring at me because the cough and the noise from my fork did not cover up what I’d said. I hadn’t expected it to, but I was hoping she’d take it as a joke.

“Jake,” Shane said abruptly. “You said you’d help me with chemistry?”

Oh, he was _so_ lying and I started laughing. One, I didn’t take Chemistry. Two, there’s no way my mother would ever believe I was helping someone else with their homework. Chloe tutored both me and Ryan. And by ‘tutor’, I mean, we studied with her and hoped to catch a good enough look at her homework to be able to get the answers for ours. I learned what the rest of the class learned _doing_ homework when we went over it in class.

Apparently, though, my mom didn’t know I didn’t take chemistry, which is a lot more like her than sitting in on practices is, and she seemed thrilled to hear that I was helping someone else out. She beamed at me proudly and excused us, immediately.

“I don’t take Chemistry,” I informed Shane as we entered my room.

He grinned at me. “I thought I was the only one that took it last year,” he said and I was actually a little sad that I had to disappoint him.

“I haven’t taken it yet,” I said, shrugging. “I took IPC, freshman year, I’m doing Bio this year, and for my third and final pick, I’ll take whatever’s easiest of the science classes they offer and thank my lucky stars I only need three science credits to graduate.”

He laughed. “Slacker,” he said, rolling his eyes.

I snorted. “Don’t knock it, slacking is an art form. Anyway, it’s better than being an overachiever.”

“Whatever,” Shane said and then spotted the books lying out on my bed. “Do you really have homework? I could go…or I could help. I finished all mine during study hall on Friday.”

“Loser,” I said, shaking my head. What a waste of a good sleeping hour. “And no, I don’t want to do homework. Those are just there for when Ry and Chloe come over later.”

Shane nodded. “Sorry,” he said. “I didn’t know you had plans.”

“I don’t,” I said and continued when Shane looked pointedly at the books covering my bed. “I don’t,” I insisted. “They’re coming over later, they do every Sunday. But Ry has community service right now and Chloe’s…avoiding my mother. I don’t have any plans right _now_.”

“Oh,” Shane said grinning at me. And I had a feeling that maybe he was finally thinking of the inappropriate touching we could be doing. Which I was okay with as long as we could lock my door. “What about your brother?”

“What?” I asked, more confused than I’d ever been around Shane. I mean, he said a lot of strange things I couldn’t figure out, but I knew for sure that I was an only child and I had no idea where he would have gotten the idea that I wasn’t.

“Your brother,” Shane repeated. “Your mom mentioned ‘her boys’. Plural.”

“Oh,” I nodded. “She meant Ry. He…share’s mine and Chloe’s parents. His dad is way weird.”

“Right,” Shane said, brow furrowed. “He’s a weird kid.” I grinned, but didn’t mention that Ry pretty much thought the same about him.

“So,” Shane said fidgeting with absolutely nothing. “Wanna…uhm…”

I laughed. “You could lock my door,” I said, surprising myself. “Just in case I was wrong about not having a brother.”

Shane grinned, and actually blushed. I liked that it was him blushing for once. That it was me making him blush.

“Alright,” he said, and he strolled over to the door to do exactly what I told him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It’s way too hard to concentrate on making out when your mother is downstairs making a shit load of noise. And every noise she made sounded like it was getting closer and closer to my room. It got to the point where Shane and I weren’t even making out anymore. I was just jumping away from him at the slightest noise and he’d laugh at me for it before pulling me back in. Only to have me pull away a second later.

He seemed to think it was funny. I was terrified that one of those noises was going to be Ry. Once I even swore that my doorknob was being twisted. And yeah, my door was locked, but Ry had figured out how to unlock the damn thing after the third time I tried to hide from him during a fight.

“Would it make you feel better if we locked the windows?” he asked, sounding amused after about the tenth time I pulled away from him.

“The windows _are_ locked,” I said frowning. God, I’m such a fucking pathetic loser.

“So,” Shane said, grabbing my shoulder and shaking. “What’s up? Would you rather…not?”

See, I know everything was cool when we were talking about it the night before, but I wasn’t thinking then. I was still okay with the kissing. I felt like I’d never get enough of it, but I wasn’t sure I could talk about it. It felt weird. Like, I liked doing it and everything, but I didn’t want to actually acknowledge anything. I just couldn’t and the panic that I was trying to feel that morning resurfaced.

But only for a minute.

“Hey,” Shane said suddenly. “I can go. I just thought…”

Words are way overrated. I wasn’t good at using them, and I hated even hearing them most the time. Right then, I just wasn’t interested in words so I leaned in to get more of his lips, determined to ignore everything else.

But he wouldn’t let me.

“Jake,” he said, frustrated. “Seriously, what’s up? I don’t…I don’t get you on your best days.”

Well, that really made two of us. “It’s nothing,” I responded shrugging. “I just…I’m not like you. I don’t…I don’t know. And I really don’t want anyone to walk in. I mean,” I said, thinking of Ryan. “I know my door’s locked but Ryan…”

“Ryan,” Shane said, eyes widening. “What about him? I thought you guys were like…”

“That lock isn’t going to stop him,” I interrupted, shrugging helplessly. “And I just…you’re right; I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t even want to _think_ about it, but I can’t stop and then I _like_ thinking about it and I like _doing_ it and I just…don’t want to. And no one can know because there won’t be anyone left if they do”

Shane just stared at me. And he wasn’t laughing anymore. I went back over everything that I’d just said, trying to find something that might have been taken the wrong way, but I really couldn’t find anything.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said, shaking his head. “What the hell did you just say? I mean…I thought those words made sense. Until you put them together.”

“What?” I asked, confused.

“What?” Shane asked, no less confused than I was.

I had no idea what we were talking about anymore. For once, Shane seemed to be right there with me.

He laughed a little and shook his head. “You’re…different,” he said, turning to meet my eyes. “Making out is not supposed to be the complicated part.”

Yeah, I totally spent the whole day thinking the words but hearing him say ‘making out’ aloud made me blush.

Oh yeah, I’m totally _that_ lame.

“I just don’t want anyone to know,” I said and I meant it. Things would be so much less complicated if I could have just made it go away. The feelings. But they stuck and Shane wouldn’t let up. If I couldn’t make it go away the best I could do was keep it secret until I could figure out how to get rid of it.

Or not. It’s strange but I didn’t like that thought anymore. Not if it meant getting rid of Shane and the kissing. The smells. The way he looked at me. I wanted to keep that.

Impossible, I know. I’d gotten myself into an impossible situation and I had no idea which way to go to get out of it.

And then, right in the middle of my panic, Shane kissed me again. Just briefly and said, “I’m not exactly about to broadcast anything over the morning announcements. I mean, I think mostly everyone knows about me, but I get it okay? If you’re not ready to come out, it’s cool.”

I was still reeling a little from the surprise kiss but I definitely heard the words ‘come out’. I didn’t like them at all, even if I wasn’t entirely sure what they meant.

“I’m glad _you_ get it,” I said, leaning into him. He put an arm around me. It was such a small gesture. I mean, he’d had his hands almost all over me. Never under my clothes, but still. It was…a lot, for me at least. But having his arm around me felt like more. It felt good and when my mom made a noise that sounded like it came from right outside my door, I didn’t move an inch.

“If you want to, like, cool it,” Shane said, his voice muffled in the top of my head. “That’s cool too.”

“I like this,” I responded, throwing my head back, almost banging it against his chin. “I just…don’t want to like it.”

“You’re kind of intense, you know that,” Shane laughed. “But I like you anyway.”

Okay, so, I totally knew that. Hearing it was a whole different story.

“Girl,” I said, snorting.

“Queer,” he shot back. I know he was just kidding. He laughed when he said it and it was obvious he didn’t mean anything by it. But I still froze.

“I’m sorry,” he said, honestly, running a hand up and down my arm. “I was kidding.”

“Yeah,” I said, tense. “I know.”

Shane sighed. “It’s possible that this whole thing—whatever it is—is a bad idea.”

I shrugged. “I have a shit load of bad ideas,” I said. The swimming disaster came to mind. I sincerely hoped that this bad idea would end differently.

“Me too,” Shane said, pulling me in tighter. “I’ve got one right now.”

“Yeah?” I said turning to face him.

“Yeah,” he answered softly. And he kissed me.

As bad ideas go, I kind of liked that one.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I hate secrets. I’m terrible at keeping them. Or, if they’re _my_ secrets, I’m terrible at keeping them. Ry and Chloe have told me more secrets than I can remember and I’ve yet to let them slip over breakfast with my mother the way I did after I tried my first and last cigarette.

Keeping my secret with Shane was decidedly easier than I thought it would be.

I avoided my parents for a week straight after that day in my bedroom. I swore that if my mother took one look at me, she’d know. She always just knew things, even when she was one of those distant mothers that hardly paid any attention to me. And I definitely didn’t want to see my father. I wasn’t sure I could handle it if he started spouting off at the mouth about the dirty queers he’d seen in his office or at the gas station or whatever.

Ry and Chloe were impossible to avoid and I wasn’t sure I was capable of going a day without seeing the two of them, but they never asked any questions. They made comments about how they were glad I pulled the stick out of my ass or how they wouldn’t ask any questions if I’d stop smiling like some sort of crazy person. I even liked being around them as long as the conversation never strayed toward Shane. And it rarely did. Ry made a few comments here and there, but I never had the balls to do anything other than pretend like it wasn’t happening.

And Shane…when I was with Shane, I didn’t have time to think about anything. I couldn’t get enough of him. Not just the kissing, though that was good too. I liked talking to him. I never got tired of hearing his voice, soft, raspy, and deep. He always sounded like he’d just woken up and I was always smiling around him.

When he was around, I couldn’t stop trying to figure out a way to get him closer and when he was gone, I couldn’t stop thinking about him, period. I wondered whether what I was feeling would qualify as ‘falling for him’ but I didn’t want to think about that either.

I avoided him at school. I couldn’t be around him without being completely obvious and I knew I’d totally blow the whole thing if anyone actually saw us together. God, Ry and Chloe would totally catch on within a second of seeing us within ten feet of each other. So, I avoided him. Whenever other people were around, I avoided him. For two whole fucking weeks, I didn’t even acknowledge his presence where others could see.

I never thought, for a second, that it might be bothering him.

Obviously, I was wrong. But you knew that.

“It’s fucked up, Jake,” Shane said, throwing his book bag onto my bedroom floor after we got out of swim practice.

“I told you,” I said, dropping my arms to my side, helplessly. “I don’t want anyone to _know_.”

“Yeah, I’m sure that everyone listening totally thought ‘hi’ meant ‘hey, can’t wait to make out with you after school. Say, wanna go fuck in the janitor’s closet?’ Yeah fucking right, Jake. We’re supposed to be friends. Friends say ‘hi’ to each other. You practically fucking ran away.”

I think he did it on purpose. Using that word, I mean. Fuck. Shane and I definitely weren’t fucking. I mean…I’d thought about it. A few times and there was always a mess in my sheets afterward, but we’d yet to get past thinking. There was definitely no actual fucking going on yet. I think he said it on purpose to make me speechless and I definitely was, for several seconds. And when I did speak, I sort of ignored the fact that he’d said it at all. It was definitely the safest course of action.

“I’m fucking sorry,” I snapped finally, throwing my own bag off into the disaster area that was my room. “I panic. It’s what I do.”

“Yeah,” Shane said caustically. “I got it.”

“You don’t,” I snapped. “If I…if we talk at school, _I’m_ gonna do something stupid. And everyone will _know_. They already know that you’re…you’re…”

“Gay,” he snapped and it was almost cruel, the way he said it. “Yeah, they know and I don’t give a shit. They don’t know about _you_ , though. I mean, seriously, Jake, you’re being an asshole. If you could just act like a sane person, no one’s going to think anything unless they see something. Your running off when a friend says ‘hi’ definitely does not qualify as sane.”

“Fuck you,” I said, angrily and I didn’t mean literally, but that didn’t stop the images from filling my brain.

“Fuck _you_ , Jake,” Shane snapped back. “I think I’ve been cool. I’m pretty sure I have been, or I’ve been doing my fucking best, but this is stupid. I’m cool with not being able to kiss you…or touch you or whatever in public, I don’t even think _I’m_ ready for that, but I thought I’d at least be able to _talk_ to my boyfriend outside of this fucking room!”

He was mad at me. Obviously. And obviously it was the worst idea ever to start grinning like a madman. Hell, I would have thought that the word ‘boyfriend’ would have scared me. But it didn’t. It was totally the opposite.

“Boyfriend?” I asked, grinning and I wasn’t even slightly deterred by the way Shane rolled his eyes.

“Is that against your fucked up rules too?” he said, sighing. He dropped down onto my bed, sitting with his elbows on his knees, head in his hands. “Jake—seriously bro, this is—way too…”

“I’m sorry,” I said, walking over to sit next to him, moving quicker than I thought I was capable of. Something in my chest was falling into my stomach and something else was stuck in my throat and I was fucking terrified. And not because he called me his boyfriend. But there was something in his voice that made me feel like he was about to take it back.

I can’t even express how much _that_ was so not _on_. And I was scared.

“I’m sorry,” I repeated, quietly. I wanted to touch him, but I wasn’t sure if it would make things worse. I wanted to kiss him and make everything go away. But I didn’t. I wasn’t sure if he’d let me.

“I should probably go,” he sighed, looking up at me. “I—I’ll see you later, cool?”

“No,” I said, firmly and I finally put a hand on his arm, just in case he decided to try and move anyway. “Don’t. I’m sorry, Shane. I won’t…I don’t know, okay. I’m trying.”

“No, Jake, I know,” Shane sighed, closing his eyes, and I focused on swallowing whatever was stuck in my throat. “I’m sorry. It’s just,” he paused, chuckling. “You’re so fucking paranoid. It’s hard.”

“Don’t go,” I repeated, looking into his eyes and holding him there and I honestly didn’t care if I was being pathetic.

He sighed, looking back at me. “I don’t know what the fuck I’m doing anymore,” he said and he kissed me. Hard. So hard that I bit my lip, but I really didn’t care. I kissed him back with everything I had, not even bothering to go lock the door and vowed to at least have a conversation with him the next time I saw him in school.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I fell asleep with him. Our kissing eventually grew slower, almost leisurely as we lay there, but I liked the slow kissing just as much as I liked it any other way. The soft touching felt good and I wasn’t in any hurry. I wanted it to last. I really had thought that it would eventually get old. That I’d eventually get tired of his lips. Of being more than just friends, but it’d yet to happen. I loved all of it. All of him. And we kissed, slowly for what seemed like forever and I was so fucking relaxed. His gentle touching had me sighing constantly in pleasure and when our kissing finally slowed to a stop, we talked, laying there face to face, lips still touching, we talked each other to sleep. Not about anything important. We weren’t making promises we’d never keep or making stupid declarations, we just talked, until both of us passed out.

It was dark when I woke up. So dark, that I figured that Shane would be gone, because he still never stayed at my house after it got late. I actually missed him, I was so pathetic, but I wasn’t surprised. He always ran off at around seven, leaving me to spend the rest of my night with Ry and Chloe. Which was perfect, really, because Ry, Chloe and me, usually never hung out before seven thirty on the week days anyway. Ry disappeared after school or swim practice and Chloe was always with her mom those days.

So, yeah, I thought Shane would be gone when I woke up and found that it was dark outside. His arms definitely weren’t around me anymore and I was pretty sure I’d fallen asleep with my head on his shoulder. I might have been worried about the fact that he wasn’t there anymore, but I was pretty sure everything was alright between us. And I fully intended to call him just to make sure.

When I rolled over to reach for my phone, though, he was still there, just a little farther away from me than he’d been when we’d fallen asleep.

I smiled as I let my hand fall around his waist, leaving the phone forgotten on my nightstand. I let my fingers play along the hem of his shirt, just barely brushing the bit of exposed skin between the bottom of his shirt and the waist of his jeans, but he didn’t stir.

I could have kissed him awake, but I didn’t really want to be the only one participating. And I was kind of having fun. I trailed my hand up his back, to his neck, the tips of my fingers playing in what little bit of hair he had there. I pulled slightly, trying to get him to wake up, but he grunted softly and started to turn away from me, but I held him steady. I liked the feeling of waking up with him there. He was always the first thing I was thinking about and it was cool to actually have him there already.

I pulled him in closer. And then he stirred.

“Uhm, Jake,” said a voice that was all too familiar. Which should have made me happy. But it didn’t. It was familiar, but not at all what I was expecting. I pulled away and actually fell off my bed in the process.

“What the fuck are you doing?” Ry asked.

And I had nowhere to fucking run.


	9. Chapter 9

I couldn’t move. Not surprising, considering I couldn’t fucking _think_. I mean…I was with Shane. Everything was okay with Shane and then Ryan was there and …I’d just…shit, I’d almost just kissed my best friend. His lips were so close to mine that I actually felt it when he said my name. If he’d have stayed asleep just a second longer, Ry would have woken up with my fucking tongue in his mouth and I couldn’t think.

Shit. It was the one word in my head that actually made any kind of sense and I couldn’t even say that much. Because Ry was staring at me and there was nothing accusing in the look he was giving me, but…he _knew_. I felt like he knew. He had to know and there was nothing that I could fucking do about it. My heart was pounding in my chest and…I wasn’t fucking awake enough to deal with anything. I was with Shane. Things…Shane and me, we were good. And we fell asleep together and I was with Shane. I couldn’t think clearly enough to factor Ry into the equation. He was just there, and I couldn’t figure out why.

I wanted to go back. I wanted to go back to making out with Shane in my bed and kick him out of it. I wanted…to not be in this situation. I didn’t even have any idea how I’d gotten here, I just wanted out of it.

“ _Jake,_ ” Ry said, still looking at me and I thanked whoever was listening for the darkness in my room. I didn’t want to see him. I wanted to disappear.

“What the fuck, dude?” he asked, incredulously. “That was…you just…” he trailed off, apparently unable to even say it and I really couldn’t blame him. He sounded a little sick. I felt sick. And more than a little.

I couldn’t answer. There were plenty of things that I could have said and I didn’t know how to say a single one of them. I mean, a simple ‘my bad’ would have been fucking great. Ry and I could have laughed it off and he would have said something like ‘no big deal’ or he’d have told me that I needed to get laid and everything would have been okay. Shit happens. Things would have been awkward for a minute but Ry wouldn’t have thought twice about it, but I wasn’t getting that right then. My brain still hadn’t caught up and I just sat there, shaking my head in shock, unable to comprehend _anything_.

There were only a few pieces that I’d been able to piece together since I’d thrown myself off of my bed. I’d fallen asleep with Shane, woke up and tried to kiss Ryan. That made absolutely no sense to me and all I could think was that I’d fucked up and now Ry _knew_.

He didn’t. I mean, he probably just thought it was an accident and would have shrugged it off if I could have told him as much, but like I said: my brain? Not exactly functioning.

“Jake?” Ry said, no longer sounding incredulous, but a little worried. I heard my bed creak as Ryan shifted and the next I knew, my light was on. I cringed, my eyes squeezed shut against the light, but Ryan either didn’t notice, or didn’t care.

“Jake,” he repeated, sitting on the edge of my bed, looking down at me. Not that I could see him. I was purposely looking down at the mess underneath my bed so I wouldn’t have to see him. But I could feel him looking at me. Waiting for me to say something.

“Are you okay?” he asked and he actually reached out to touch me…but he stopped short, thinking better of it. Because he _knew_. He wouldn’t want to touch me anymore. He wouldn’t want to come near me.

“Did you, like, hit something?” he asked and I shrugged, shaking my head. I couldn’t make my mouth work. Like he cared anyway. I waited for him to explode on me, call me queer, like I’d seen him do to every boy we’d ever seen that he thought wasn’t man enough to be called anything else. But it never came. I couldn’t understand why. It wasn’t clicking and I’d all but convinced myself he was trying to lure me into…a false sense of security or whatever.

“Jake?!” he shouted and then he touched me. His foot collided with my knee cap and it fucking hurt. I gasped and scooted back away from him, leaning against the stand beside my bed, praying that he’d just leave. I couldn’t handle anything right then. I couldn’t think. I couldn’t wrap my brain around the situation enough to be able to answer the simple questions.

“I’m sorry,” Ry said, and there was something in his tone that confused me. “It’d help if you fucking said something,” he added and I actually _knew_ that but nothing was working.

I opened my mouth a few times but nothing really came out. And Ry just sat there, waiting.

I sighed. “I,” I started and then swallowed. And swallowed again because my mouth was drier than it’d been since I decided to find out what the sand on the playground tasted like. But at least I was making actual sounds. I wasn’t really getting further than that, though.

“I…” I tried again and still nothing.

“What?” Ry pushed, looking frustrated with his hands clenched in the blankets on my bed.

I cleared my throat. “Accident,” I croaked, finally, looking up slightly, but I couldn’t bring myself to actually look at him. “It was an accident.” And thank God, an actual sentence. “I wouldn’t…I…”

I couldn’t complete that sentence. Apparently the first was a fluke.

“You’re my _friend_ …I…” I said, shaking my head and dropping my hands to the ground a little helplessly. It was a stupid thing to say, but in my defense I was still trying to piece everything together in my head.

“Yeah,” Ry replied sardonically. “I hear the sky is also sort of blue. What the hell? Why are you acting so…” he trailed off again and that was freaking me out just as much as anything else. Ry wasn’t the type to not know what to say.

“I’m sorry,” I said, shaking my head once again. I was doing that a lot. I felt like it was all I’d done since I’d woken up. I just…couldn’t fucking believe I’d almost kissed my best friend.

“Why didn’t you…you know… _stop_?” Ryan said, sounding a little lost.

“I did stop,” I said suddenly finding my voice. I stopped. I knew that much. I didn’t really know most of what was going on but I knew that much. I stopped.

“I stopped when I realized it was you.”

“Who the fuck did you think it was?” Ry said, but he didn’t sound angry. He sounded shocked and a little amused.

God, would he be disappointed if I actually answered that question. But I was back to not speaking. I was really sort of stuck on how I’d gotten there. Sleeping with Shane, waking with Ryan. I was too tired to make anything click into place.

“Jake!” Ry shouted after a few moments and I jumped into action, moving without even thinking about it.

I slammed my door, which Ry had left wide open, and glared at Ryan. It was the first time I’d looked at him since I’d woken up and it wasn’t really so bad when I was pissed at him.

“Jesus,” I said, angrily. “Shut the fuck up.” I really didn’t need my parents to come and listen in on the conversation. Ry just shrugged, completely unapologetic.

“Talk, then,” he said, smirking. I sighed, racking my brain to try and figure out what I was supposed to say. It was much easier to think standing up. Or maybe it was easier to think after I’d actually moved, but I’d pretty much gotten that Ry was just as confused as I was. I still didn’t understand how I’d gotten myself into the situation, but he didn’t know. I just had to answer his questions and everything would be fine. The questions though…It took me a minute to remember what they were. Who did I think it was? Right. I couldn’t answer that. At least, not truthfully.

“Tracy,” I said, shrugging because really, there wasn’t any other answer that would make sense. He’d either laugh his ass off or hit me if I said Chloe and I didn’t know any other girls well enough to have them in my room. At least Tracy and I had dated. Or…’dated’ may be a little strong but that’s beside the point.

Ry snorted skeptically and rolled his eyes and my heart was back to pounding in my chest. I had no other options. If he didn’t believe that one, I was screwed.

“You haven’t talked to Tracy since your date,” he said. “She’s telling everyone that you’re an inexperienced asshole and she’s sick of waiting for you to call.”

Fuck. I really didn’t have anything else to say. I could tell him that I was dreaming about Tracy, but I wasn’t sure if it’d make things worse to change my story. Plus, he already knew I was sort of awake when I…fuck.

He rolled his eyes. “Jesus, bro, why are you lying? It’s not like I’m gonna run and tell your parents what a naughty little boy they’ve got up here. Seriously, just tell me.”

I sighed, closing my eyes for a moment before opening them and saying, “Ry…I just didn’t know it was you okay.”

“Yeah,” he snorted again, standing up to punch me in the arm, playfully. “Obviously. It’s not like you’re a fag or whatever, right?” he added, laughing like it was the most ridiculous thing he’d ever heard.

My eyes widened all on their own and I couldn’t speak again. I knew he was kidding, but I still…he’d just hit way to close to the mark. Like, right on it. And I had no idea how to deny it with him looking right at me. I clenched my jaw shut tight and I closed my eyes and waited, because Ry knew me. I wasn’t good at hiding things and…I knew it was coming. He didn’t know before, but that didn’t matter. He’d know now and it didn’t matter how I’d gotten there. What mattered was that I wasn’t sure there was a way out anymore. If there was, I couldn’t find it.

Ry’s laughter died down until he was just as silent as I was. I should have said something. I should have laughed and told him we both knew _he_ was the only queer around. Or, I should have just laughed. If I could have just laughed it could have been _over_. But I didn’t.

“Holy shit,” Ry said suddenly, turning around and hopping over my bed to grab his shoes and I actually felt like I was going to cry. Why couldn’t I have…said something? Anything would have worked; it didn’t even have to make sense. He was…Ry. He didn’t care if I made sense.

“Ry…” I said, quietly. A few minutes ago, I would have given anything to have him gone, but I couldn’t let him leave anymore. I needed him to stay long enough for me to figure out a way to deny it.

But Ry didn’t even pause. “Never mind,” he said, with a laugh that was clearly forced. “You’re not…of course you’re not. It was stupid. My bad. But I’ve gotta jet. I’ve got homework.”

“Ryan,” I said again, moving toward him. “I’m not…”

“I know. Of course not, it was stupid. Look, I’ll see you later, right?” he smiled at me, stepping backward toward my door. “I gotta run bro. No big deal, right? Everything’s cool. Way cool. I’ll see you later, Jake.”

“Ryan!” I yelled, because he wasn’t listening and the way he was acting had me more scared than I would have been if he were attacking me. I would have expected him to attack me. But now…he was acting almost the same way he’d acted when he came over after his mom died. Except…without the tears and the mass destruction. So I reached out for him, grabbed his shoulder to keep him from leaving like I had when he’d come over the day she’d died.

The reaction was way different.

“Don’t. Fucking. Touch me,” he said, ripping away from me violently. His voice had lost that fake cheerfulness and he was glaring at me with a look I’d only ever seen him use on the people he’d gotten suspended for beating the shit out of.

“ _Ry?_ ” I said, completely shocked and he closed his eyes and sighed.

“I’ve got to go, Jake,” he said, firmly. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And he left, slamming the door behind him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wasn’t sure what it meant. Ryan knew. That was kind of obvious. I didn’t even say anything, but I was pretty sure he knew. And after sitting up in my room for an hour staring off into the empty air in front of me, I finally pieced together the rest of what happened. It wasn’t really all that complicated. I don’t wake well. Sue me.

Just because I knew what happened, didn’t mean I had any idea what to do about any of it, though. I couldn’t talk to Ryan. I picked up the phone at least four times before I realized I never called his house and I wasn’t even sure he had a phone. His cell phone was still on my night stand. He’d left it in his hurry to get away from me.

I couldn’t go over to his house. I was positive he wouldn’t want to see me and even more certain that he wouldn’t react well at all if I climbed into his window in the middle of the night. Yeah, that’d really help.

I couldn’t talk to Chloe about it. She didn’t come over for homework and I was grateful for it. I was not about to have that conversation. ‘Hey, Chloe, I tried to kiss Ryan. Don’t worry, I’m totally not interested, but I am gay and now Ry knows, so what do I do?’. Ha. That’d go over really well. Plus, I wasn’t even sure if I could say it. I’m gay. I could hardly even think it.

I’m ashamed to admit, it took me a full two hours before I even considered calling Shane. He was the only person I could talk to about it and I _needed_ to talk to someone about it. I couldn’t figure out how to fix it myself. I needed help and Shane was my only option.

And I kind of wanted to hear his voice. It sounded ridiculous even in my head and I’d never say it out loud but it was true. I wanted him close. I wanted the comfort. I was scared shitless. Ry…I wasn’t sure what he’d do. He could tell everyone. He could tell my parents. But things were bad even if he didn’t. Because he knew and I wasn’t sure whether or not we were still friends. I wanted Shane to make me forget that. Or I wanted him to help me fix it. Or…I just kind of wanted him _there_.

It occurred to me that he should be the last one that I wanted around, all things considered, but…I wasn’t going to try and get rid of him. I’d spent all of five minutes blaming him before I realized that it wasn’t going to help anything. And…I didn’t want him out of my life. The thought already scared me. When I thought he was going to…break up with me or whatever, I actually felt sick. There was no way I was going to go back to pushing him away. I wasn’t sure I’d be able to even if I tried. It hadn’t worked even when he didn’t mean much of anything to me.

So I called him. Twice. And when he didn’t answer the phone either time, I called him twice more. Then I quit. I think there’s some kind of rule somewhere that says you can’t call someone more than that without seeming like a stalker.

There was a sinking feeling in my chest. Not because Shane wasn’t answering the phone, I’m really not that lame. But…Ryan. I couldn’t…I couldn’t remember not being his friend. He’d always been around.

Everything in me itched to just get up and go over to his place, but my mother had promised to ship me off to boot camp if I ever ‘pulled another stunt’ like the last one and ran off without telling her. She wasn’t around to tell, but I doubted she’d accept that when she came up to tell me to take my ass to sleep and found that I was missing. And I just…didn’t feel like talking to her. She’s my mom and she…knows things. She’d know I was upset and she’d ask questions. More questions I couldn’t answer. I just didn’t want to deal with it.

I resigned myself to the fact that it’d have to wait for school in the morning. I could talk to Shane when he came to pick me up for school and he’d help me fix things then. Or whatever. I really didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t even think about Ryan. Not without feeling sick, so I focused on Shane. And talking to him. And I lied to myself until I was convinced it’d be better in the morning.

I still didn’t sleep, though. I couldn’t. Every time I started to relax enough to drift off, I thought of toilet paper conversations and swing sets and period pamphlets and learning to swim and collecting fucking cockroaches.

And I just…couldn’t sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shane didn’t show up to pick me up for school the next day. It wasn’t the first time it’d happened but he usually called or something first. I actually woke up early and waited on my porch for him for over a half an hour. I was pretty pissed off when he didn’t show. I mean, yeah, it’s not like I own him or anything. I’d just…come to expect him to be there. He always was.

Ryan however did show. Not at my house. His car pulled into Chloe’s driveway and she came running out to meet him, waving me over as she did, but I didn’t move.

“Lazy ass,” she called, laughing as she got into the car. She was the only one that was shocked when Ryan sped off without pulling up to get me.

Surprised or not, though, it still sucked. It didn’t even make me feel better to know that Ryan clearly hadn’t told Chloe. Or that the fact that he hadn’t told her meant he probably wasn’t going to say anything. Yet. I got that sinking, empty feeling again and decided I couldn’t sit there and wait for Shane. So I walked. All the way to school, cursing Ryan and Shane out the entire way. I still planned to find him when I got to the school, though. I wasn’t _that_ mad and he was still the only one that I could tell.

Unfortunately, walking to school takes a hell of a lot longer than driving and I was late to homeroom. I didn’t have time to look for him.

Not that it would have helped if I would have had the time. He was avoiding me. I’m pretty sure of it. I wasn’t just being paranoid either. It was pretty obvious by lunch that he was avoiding me.

“Shane!” I’d called to him as I ran up to where he sat with Caydence in the quad. He took one look at me, got up and took off before I even got close.

“Hi, Jake,” Caydence said through a mouthful of her turkey wrap when I reached her. “Shane has a busted lip.”

I rolled my eyes at her, taking off after Shane, not even pausing to wonder what the hell ‘busted lip’ meant in Caydence speak.

I caught up to him in the Science building. Actually, I didn’t catch up to him so much as I tripped and fell while I was chasing him and he turned back to see if I was okay.

“Fuck,” I said, declining the hand Shane offered to help me up. I got up and paced back and forth, trying to walk it off. I was on the verge of tears and not because the fall actually hurt all that much. Everything was just…too much. It was turning out to be possibly the worse day I’d ever had. Ever. Including my joke of a ‘date’ with Tracy. Shane was avoiding me…and I had no idea why and Chloe kept giving me looks from across the hallway, clearly asking what was up and Ryan….I couldn’t even think about Ryan.

“Are you alright?” Shane asked, leaning on the brick wall next to the bathroom. I sighed.

“Why the fuck are you running from me?” I asked finally looking at him. I mean, the fall was kind of embarrassing. I blush. It wasn’t something I wanted to show off.

Shane shrugged. “Why do you think?”

I rolled my eyes. “Is this about yesterday still? I said I’d try harder. And…I totally just ran up to you, in the middle of the quad, I think that definitely counts as being…friendly.” I was really glad the hallways of the school were always deserted during lunch.

“What?” Shane asked frowning. “No…that’s not…” he sighed, glaring at me. “Don’t play stupid, Jake.”

“Uhm… _okay_ ,” I said, a little lost. “I don’t know what the fuck you’re talking about.”

Shane narrowed his eyes and cocked his head to the side, studying me again. It didn’t even faze me anymore; I was so used to it.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed. “I just thought…never mind. But, for the record, I wasn’t running from you. I just sort of didn’t want to have this talk in front of half the school.”

“What talk?” I asked, frowning. There was no way he knew about what happened with Ry. I was pretty sure I hadn’t left any messages when I called and…he’d been too busy avoiding me to actually let me tell him about it. I was actually willing to talk, for once, and he was too busy avoiding me to appreciate it.

“Well…actually, we don’t need to talk anymore,” he said, smiling. That’s when I noticed it. The smile made it kind of obvious. I’d memorized that smile, obviously I’d notice when it was broken.

“Caydence was being…serious.” It felt almost weird to say. Caydence was never serious. At least not with me.

“What?” Shane asked, confused.

“What the fuck happened to your lip?” I asked, stepping closer. I lifted a hand to touch it but he smacked it away.

“Sorry,” he said, when I glared at him. “It hurts and…you’re the one that doesn’t want anyone to know. Touching me—or my lips—probably isn’t a good idea if you want to keep it secret.”

“Really?” I said, sarcastically. “Neither is kissing Ryan. Which, I did by the way.”

Shane really doesn’t hide his shock well. Or at all. He kind of gaped at me for a solid minute without saying a word. It really did nothing to help my nerves. I just…blurted it out. Right there where anyone might be listening. Anyone could have walked in, whenever they wanted.

“What?” Shane asked, and I was shocked to find he actually sounded pissed. At _me_. Like I did something wrong. As far as I was concerned if anyone was to blame, it was him for leaving me to make the mistake in the first place.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” he asked, his voice dangerously low.

“What?” I asked, frustrated. “Why are you pissed _now_?”

Shane actually laughed. And not in the ‘ha ha, you’re so funny’ kind of way either. It was almost…cruel. Angry. “So, is that why he came over to my house last night?”

“Ryan came over to your house last night?” I asked, my eyes widening. What the fuck was going on?

“Yeah,” Shane said, rolling his eyes. He turned to walk away from me but I grabbed him and pulled him back.

“Ry…hit you?” I asked. It’s not like it was unheard of, Ryan fighting. But I had no idea why he’d go hit Shane. I mean…yeah, he knew I was…gay, but as far as I knew, he had no idea that Shane and I…

My eyes widened even more before I could even complete that thought. It’d only just occurred to me that Ry could have thought I was…into him. Not Shane, _him_. It was better if he somehow figured out it was Shane, but still…

Jesus fuck the day really couldn’t get any worse.

“Yeah, he did,” Shane said, jerking his arm away from me. “Why are you even trying with me? Yesterday you said…and then _Ryan_ …why would you even bother if you just…” he shook his head, looking about as lost and confused as I felt when I was talking with Ryan the night before. Only…Shane also looked pissed.

“Shane,” I snapped, because I hated when we did this. Tried to talk without actually saying anything that made sense. Yeah, it was usually me doing it but that didn’t make me hate it any less.

“What?” Shane snapped back, glaring at me.

“What is going on?” I all but screamed and stomped my foot. I was just…tired. Shane was supposed to make things better and things were not going the way that I’d thought they would.

“I know we haven’t really talked about it, but this is kind of fucked up,” Shane said, no longer trying to walk away from me. “I mean…I know we haven’t said we’re together…but you act like it and…”

“What does that have to do with anything?” I asked, getting more frustrated by the minute. I knew we hadn’t said we were together…or Shane had and I’d gone along with it because I _couldn’t_ say it. Not out loud. But I thought it was pretty obvious whether I said it or not and I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

“I get it,” Shane said, seemingly talking to himself, like he was reasoning out an equation of some sort. “It was just a kiss. And it’s probably stupid to freak out over a kiss when we’re not even really…whatever.”

I shook my head, trying to clear it and trying even harder to tune him out. “It wasn’t just a kiss, Shane,” I said, trying my damnedest to get on the same page that he was on. “I like you,” I said and it was true but that didn’t make it any harder to say. Out loud. In the middle of a school hallway. I continued anyway. “A lot. And I like…the kissing.” I lowered my voice. “I like kissing you.”

“But you like kissing Ryan too? Whatever,” Shane said flatly, laughing angrily again and I widened my eyes. He shook his head and turned to leave.

“Shane!” I snapped, _finally_ catching up. “I didn’t _actually_ kiss him! I _almost_ did. And it was a fucking accident.”

Shane stopped and turned back to face me. “What?”

“I thought it was _you_ , asshole! You left and I was sleeping and I woke up…and…I thought it was you. It wasn’t, obviously and now everything is fucked up and Ryan _knows_. And…he was my best friend. Was…”

I was out of breath by the time I finished and I was kicking myself for all the screaming I’d done. Jesus Christ, what happened to being careful? I was fucking myself over with everything that I did. I’d be better off if I locked myself in my bedroom closet and stayed there until graduation.

“Damn it,” I whispered, closing my eyes with a sigh, and then _I_ turned to walk away.

I didn’t get far. I took about three steps before Shane grabbed my arm and yanked me into the bathroom.

“I’m sorry,” he said and he was standing way to close for comfort. I could only really see the sinks from where I was standing against the wall next to the door and I just…didn’t feel comfortable not being able to see that the room was actually empty.

“I’m sorry,” Shane repeated and he kissed me. It was quick. Soft. Like he knew I wouldn’t let him kiss me for longer than that. “I like kissing you too,” he whispered and I would have smiled. Any other time, I probably would have smiled like an idiot because I’m lame and its nice hearing but…right then, I had other things on my mind.

“Ryan _knows_ ,” I said, hating the way my voice broke. “He was my best friend and now he knows. I’m so fucked.”

“I’d say it probably isn’t as bad as you think, but he did come over to my house last night _really_ pissed off,” Shane said, frowning. He stepped away from me moving further into the bathroom to hop up on the counter. I didn’t comment on how he was probably going to have a wet ass when he got up.

“Why did he hit you?” I asked; glad to be back on track. “What happened?”

Shane shrugged. “He probably hit me because I hit _him_. “

“Why the fuck did you hit him?” I snapped, on instinct and then shot Shane what I hoped was an apologetic look.

“I have…anger issues,” he said, shrugging. “And he was being a dick. He told my little sister to mind her business and get her ass back into the house. Mykel started crying. So, I hit him. He hit me back. And then he told me to stay the fuck away from you and that you didn’t want anything to do with me. He called me a few names, apologized to my sister, and he went home. The end.”

“What?” I asked, frowning and I moved to sit down on the wet counter. I missed the time back when the world made sense and everything was all about school and keeping my parents from finding out that B’s and C’s weren’t actually amazing grades.

Shane shrugged. “You should talk to him,” he said, like it was the easiest thing in the world and the most obvious solution.

“Yeah,” I said, rolling my eyes. “Piece of cake.”

“No, seriously. He’s you’re best friend, right?” he said, sounding way too chipper. I hated it.

“Was,” I muttered, sighing. “He _was_ my best friend. You may not believe it but this _is_ actually a big deal, Shane. You don’t have to blow it off like it isn’t.”

I didn’t even have to be looking at Shane to know he was rolling his eyes at me. “Don’t be so dramatic. I _know_ it’s a big deal. I just don’t know what to say,” he said, dropping a hand onto my arm. “It happened. The damage is done. And you don’t know what’ll happen if you try talking to him. So, do it. The worst that could happen is we’ll have matching lips.”

I snorted, laughing grudgingly. “Actually, I think he went easy on you. I’ve seen him do worse.”

“Or,” Shane said, smirking. He leaned forward, lowering his voice. “Maybe he knew he couldn’t take me.”

I laughed again. “Maybe,” I said, smiling. “Look, you should probably eat something. There’s like…five minutes till lunch is over.”

I lied, though. Either my watch was slow, or the bell was ringing just to spite me. “Or not,” Shane said, frowning. He shrugged. “I wasn’t hungry anyway.”

“Liar,” I said, elbowing him in the stomach.

“Drama queen,” he shot back, hopping off the counter. He frowned as he ran his hands over his ass. “Huh,” he said, looking at his ass in the mirror and the giant wet spot I knew he’d find. “Well, it’s not like my reputation was actually…you know…existent before. It’ll be nice to be known for something.”

I snorted, rolling my eyes at him. It felt good to be laughing. I wouldn’t have thought it was possible. _This_ was how things were supposed to be. _This_ was what I wanted when I’d gone chasing Shane. _This_ was why I’d needed to see him.

“I’m gonna go,” I said, hopping off the counter to stand next to Shane. I’d made sure the space where I’d been sitting was dry, but I ran my hands along the back of my pants to make sure.

“What’s your next class,” Shane asked, smiling at me.

I shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. I’m gonna blow it off.”

“You’re skipping?” he asked, frowning. I laughed. I’d have never guessed that Shane would be the type that was uncomfortable with breaking rules. Not even Chloe scolded me for it. Like, you could get away with being ‘good’ all the time as long as you didn’t say anything to those that weren’t.

“Yeah,” I said, smiling at him. “Wanna come?”

He actually looked like he was considering it.

“I’m kidding,” I said, rolling my eyes. “I just…can’t be here. I can’t think and I haven’t heard half of the shit that’s gone on in any of my classes so far. I just…I’m gonna go and wait for Ry to get out. But I don’t really expect you to come with, it’s cool.”

Shane sighed. “It’s not gonna kill me to miss a couple classes. My father might die of a heart attack, but I’m sure my family can get by without him.”

I snorted. “No, bro,” I said, turning to walk away. “It’s cool.”

“All right,” he said, softly and he reached out to grab me and pull me close before I even took a step toward the door. And he kissed me again. Only this time, it wasn’t quick.

It occurred to me that this was probably why I was in the situation I was in. I was being careless. Stupid. I was kissing Shane in the school bathroom. If I went on like this it wouldn’t be long before everybody knew.

“Shane,” I said pulling away from him and he sighed, nodding.

“I know,” he said. “Sorry.”

I shrugged. “I’ll call after I talk to Ryan, alright?” I asked, moving toward the door once more.

“Yeah,” he said. “Jake?”

“Huh,” I asked, my hand on the handle to the bathroom door.

Shane sighed. “We are, right?” he asked, frowning.

“Are what?” I asked, a little impatiently. I wanted to get off campus before everyone was in class and my walking off would be obvious.

“Together,” Shane said, shrugging. “You and me. We are, right?”

I don’t know why my first instinct was to say ‘no’. It was just hard to admit it. I opened my mouth but I couldn’t say it. It was odd, considering I’d practically been screaming things that were probably worse out in the hallway, but I just couldn’t.

I sort of smiled instead and gave him a nod and a half shrug.

He grinned. “Alright. I’ll see you later.”

I rolled my eyes and stepped out of the bathroom and headed toward the student parking lot where there wouldn’t be anybody to stop me and hand me a detention or whatever you got for sneaking out of school early. I’d never actually been caught in the act before but I didn’t think they’d give me much for it. It’d seem kind of counter-productive to suspend me from school to get me to _stay_ in school. Whatever.

I went to Ryan’s house. I couldn’t go to mine, not when my mother could just pop in any minute. Ry’s dad would be at work until after Ry got out of school and I wouldn’t have to worry about him, so I went there, climbed into Ry’s window and waited.

It was weird. Shane hadn’t told me a single thing I didn’t already know. He didn’t give me any great advice and he didn’t even help me with figuring out what to say to Ryan, which is actually what I wanted. But…he still helped a little. He helped calm me down or something. And I could do it. I could talk to Ry…or let Ry do the talking. Or…just figure out what he was actually thinking. Either way, things couldn’t possibly get any worse.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I waited at Ry’s house for two hours after school let out, driving myself crazy playing the same computer game over and over again, but he never came.

I didn’t even really _want_ to talk to him, I just knew I had to. It’d drive me insane if I didn’t. I had to know what was going to happen next.

But Ry never showed. Asshole. I mean, obviously he didn’t know that I was waiting for him, but I still felt like he hadn’t showed just to spite me. Where the fuck was he, anyway? I _knew_ he wasn’t with Chloe and we didn’t have swim practice. I had this whole speech prepared for when he came home, just so that I’d at least have _something_ to say and he fucking ruined it.

I finally gave up and went home when I’d eaten all of the potato chips I found in Ry’s room. I’d gotten tired of them about halfway through the bag, but I was hungry, and Ry didn’t deserve potato chips if he was never going to be home to eat them.

I spent the two minute walk from Ry’s house to mine calling him every dirty word I could think of, one for each letter of the alphabet. It was more satisfying than you’d think.

I was on ‘S’ when I got to my house and found him sitting on the steps of my front porch, elbows on his knees, looking straight at the ground.

“Shithead,” I said, but I swear it was an accident. I was having trouble thinking of anything for ‘S’ and I sort of just said it out loud.

“What?” Ry asked, looking up at me. I immediately saw the dark red mark under his eye and cringed. It looked painful. So had Shane’s lip, though. I wondered if that meant they were even.

And then I wondered what I’d have to do to make it so Ry and me were ‘even’.

“Nothing,” was my delayed response to Ry’s question. I was nervous. I’d thought talking to Ryan would be hard but it hadn’t occurred to me that I’d be so fucking nervous.

Ry turned away from me. “Whatever,” he muttered; shrugging and he didn’t say anything else. Neither did I. I had a speech, but…it really didn’t work this way. Ry was supposed to find me waiting for him, not the other way around. I really had no clue what to say, so I sort of just stood there, waiting for him to do something. Anything but leave. I didn’t figure he would, seeing as how he was obviously waiting for me, but still. I was a little worried about it.

“Are you gonna sit down?” he asked, flatly, still not looking at me.

“Are you gonna stay?” I asked, quietly, fidgeting with one of the safety pins on my book bag.

Ry shrugged but he didn’t answer. I sighed and moved to sit next to him on the steps. And we were quiet again.

I didn’t want to say anything. Ry was there and he was either to going to tell me to eat shit and try and beat the shit out of me, or…I don’t know, but I couldn’t help but be hopeful. He was there and while he wasn’t necessarily being friendly, he wasn’t being an asshole either. So, I held my breath and waited, trying to ‘tune out’ the unnerving silence. I didn’t want to ruin it, if there was any chance…

“Remember Trevor Novak?” Ry asked suddenly, turning a piece of paper in his hands. I hadn’t seen it there earlier, but he was staring at it and I was curious as to what it was. It looked old and…dirty. Really dirty. Not like ‘dusty’ dirty either, there was crusty red stuff on it that looked a little like really old spaghetti sauce.

“Yeah, I remember him,” I replied, staring at the piece of paper. Trevor Novak was the one and only kid I’d ever gotten into a fight with. I beat him in tether ball in the sixth grade and he got pissed about it when everyone started laughing because I was so much shorter. He shoved me up against the wall, I shoved him back. And then we fought.

I lost miserably. It was pretty obvious that I was going to lose after the first punch was thrown and I’d expected Ryan to jump in, but he didn’t. He just stood there, watching the whole thing with everybody else. I was so pissed at him; I didn’t talk to him for a week. Or…I didn’t talk to him, for the three days that I was suspended or the weekend that followed. I refused to talk to him and slammed the door in his face the few times he’d come over.

That Monday before school, Ryan cornered me on my way to class and punched the shit out of me. I thought my nose would never stop bleeding.

“If you don’t hit me back, everyone’s gonna think you’re a queer,” he had said, glaring at me. No one was even really around, but I hit him back anyway. It was the longest fight I’d ever had with him and I still didn’t know what the hell had happened, but we were friends again after that. We had a fight with the ice the school nurse gave us, launching the chips at each other from across the nurse’s office.

“What about him?” I asked Ry, suddenly. I mean, it wasn’t exactly my best of memories with Ryan and I wondered if he brought it up because he was about to bloody my nose up again.

“I don’t know,” Ryan said, shrugging. “I was just thinking about it. You don’t really act like a queer. You never have.”

“Ryan,” I said, quietly because my throat was closing up and I wasn’t sure I could speak any louder. I knew it was best to talk. Things only got bad when I didn’t talk, but I wasn’t sure how to deny it anymore. I needed to deny it, though. I didn’t know how to do it, but…I didn’t want him to think I was gay, true or not. We couldn’t be friends if I was. Just sitting there with him, knowing that he knew, made me feel like I was…wrong. Like something was definitely wrong with me. It was so different from the feeling that I got with Shane. Shane didn’t think there was anything wrong with me, for obvious reasons.

I wondered which one of them was _right_.

“Ry,” I started again, sighing. “I’m not…”

“I got in a fight with Shane,” Ry interrupted me, suddenly and I quieted again. I already knew about the fight, but I kind of wanted to hear what Ryan had to say about it. I wanted to hear his side.

“He fucked up my eye,” Ry said, finally turning to me and I’d already seen it, but I pretended to check it out anyway. “You know,” he continued. “He doesn’t act like a queer either. He definitely doesn’t hit like one.” He laughed. “You kind of do, though.”

“Shut up,” I said, shoving him playfully, and he stopped grinning.

“But you are, right?” Ry asked, voice losing all tone, going flat once again. He turned to look at me. “Shane _and_ you. You both are.”

I couldn’t say yes. I _wouldn’t_ say yes.

But I couldn’t say no, either. I just sort of stared at Ry like an idiot, hating myself more every second. I’d practiced. For hours, in Ry’s room, I’d practiced. ‘No, I’m not gay.’ I’d said it over and over again and I didn’t understand why it was so hard all of the sudden.

Except, Ryan knew me. Just because, up until recently he didn’t know that little bit of info, doesn’t mean he didn’t know me. And he’d know if I lied. I wasn’t really good with direct questions. I could bullshit my way around most things, but I stumbled over direct questions when I tried to lie. And Ry knew that. Ry knew me.

He sighed. “If I wanted to have this conversation by myself, I could have just gone home.”

I snorted. If he’d done that, I might have had a bit more to say. “I’m sorry,” I said, shrugging. The whole conversation was…awkward. I didn’t know what to say, because I couldn’t figure out whether or not we were fighting. Whether or not we were friends.

“Whatever,” Ryan said and he leaned back against the stairs, looking up at the roof, instead of down at his feet. “Look,” he sighed. “I don’t want to talk about it. Last night, I mean. Ever. But I feel like I have to say it’s just _not_ on. I’m not…”

“I know,” I interrupted quickly, cringing. “I swear to fucking God, Ry, I didn’t know it was you. And…”

“I know you didn’t mean to,” he said simply. “I sort of figured after I went to bitch at Shane for turning you that you were telling the truth about that part. I just…wanted to get it out there, just in case.”

“Jesus,” I sighed and I stood up. “I’m sorry, Ry…I really can’t...do this. Like…I actually _can’t_ keep talking about this. I swear, I didn’t mean to. I fell asleep with…I just wasn’t expecting to wake up with you.”

“You were expecting to wake up with him,” Ry finished. “Right. Weird. Really fucking weird.”

“Ryan, I’m not…” I started desperately, but he just laughed, not letting me finish.

“Chloe gave this to me,” he said, waving the piece of paper. “It’s from when we all decided to be blood brothers, but Chloe didn’t want to mix her blood with ours, so we decided to get a tattoo when we were eighteen instead. Remember?”

I frowned, frustrated and angry and confused all at once. He wanted me to talk, but the second I open my mouth to finally get that sentence out, the one sentence I need…he interrupts. “Yeah,” I snapped. “I remember.”

“I couldn’t believe she kept it,” he said, shaking his head, not bothered in the slightest by my attitude. “It’s…lame. And the tattoo we drew is lamer. And…I’m not sure, but it looks like something’s growing on this piece of paper and—,”

“Ry!” I yelled, cutting him off. “What’s the fucking point?”

“I don’t know!” he yelled back, standing up. “Just…you and Shane? It’s sick and it’s fucking weird.”

“Fine,” I snapped, and I didn’t even bother trying to deny it anymore. He wasn’t going to buy it anyway and he was pissing me off. I wanted to hit him. Not in the way that I usually wanted to smack him, I actually wanted to fucking _hit_ him. I wanted to hurt him. “Why are you even here, Ryan? You made your fucking point this morning. Why did you come here with all the bullshit?!”

“Because,” Ry said glaring at me. “You’re my only friend.” He sighed. “I mean, I have other friends, but… I don’t really have a family. Just you and Chlo and Mom’s headstone. And now you’re…you’re fucking ruining it and I came to beat the shit out of you for it, but it’s not working the way I planned. So, shut the fuck up and sit down, while I figure out how to do this!”

I raised an eyebrow. I wanted to be angry. I wanted to yell some more. And I still wanted to hit him but I almost wanted to laugh at the same time.

“You want me to wait for you to figure out a way to kick my ass?” I asked, incredulously. “No, thanks.”

Ry laughed a little crazily. “Shut up. That…didn’t come out like I meant it to.”

“I hope not,” I snorted.

Ry sighed. “I don’t know if we’re…I don’t know how to deal. And this talking thing…is for queers. I don’t want to do it anymore.”

I really wasn’t about to argue.

“You and me, Jake,” Ry went on. “We’re not cool.”

I closed my eyes, angry all over again. “Then, why the _fuck_ are you here, Ryan?”

“Because,” Ry snapped. “I hate you, but I still hate everybody else more. Except Chloe. I _hate_ making ‘friends’ and I don’t know _how_ to make a new brother.”

I didn’t know what to say to that, but…I wasn’t really angry anymore. I hated it, but that stupid hopeful feeling was back and I wondered if maybe everything would be okay, eventually. It was…weird. I’d never considered that Ryan could know and still be my friend. Not once. The best that I’d hoped for was that I could convince him he was wrong. That I could convince him that I _wasn’t_ really gay. It was a weird thought, but I couldn’t help hoping it might be okay.

“Then,” I said, slowly, carefully. “What now?”

Ry bit his lip, shaking his head as he turned to walk away. “I don’t know,” he said. “I don’t fucking know.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~


	10. Chapter 10

_I don’t fucking know._

What does that even mean? He doesn’t know? We’re either friends or we’re not, it’s really not that difficult. Seriously, I didn’t get the big issue, it’s not like I wanted to fuck _him_ …or anybody. I didn’t want to fuck anybody.

Whatever.

I got that it wasn’t…’normal’, but I sat on my porch forever, just staring at the spot where Ry had been standing, asking myself the same question over and over. What difference did it make to _him_? It didn’t affect him at all. Not in any way that I could see. I mean…maybe others at school would talk if they found out about me, but Ry wasn’t the kind of person that cared about shit like that.

Ry went over to Chloe’s when he left. He didn’t go home; he walked right across the street to Chloe’s house, without once looking back at me. I can’t say why that pissed me off so much. It’s not like _I_ wanted to go over to Chloe’s to cry on her shoulder or ask for advice, or anything. Just…the fact that Ry went over there made it feel like they were _both_ against me.

Whatever. They would be as soon as Ry told her what happened. Chloe probably wouldn’t take it any better than Ryan. I’d always known that. I’d always known that if they ever found out, I’d lose my friends, but for the first time ever, I found myself asking _why_. Why did it even matter to them? _I_ was the one that had to deal with it all.

I’d never really stopped to think about it before. About being gay and why _I_ had a problem with it. I mean, obviously, I didn’t think it was disgusting. One look at my sheets after one of my…better dreams was enough to let anyone know how much I really _didn’t_ think it was disgusting.

I did think it was wrong, though. Or…I felt like I was _supposed_ to think that it was wrong. That it wasn’t normal. It’s what everyone was always saying. It’s what my _dad_ was always saying.

And Ryan…it’s what he was always saying too.

I never questioned it before. What they thought, I mean. I never stopped to question whether or not they were wrong about any of it. I just accepted that I was fucked up and that I needed to change. I’d listened to all the bullshit for so long, I think I actually believed it.

But…it didn’t really make sense to me anymore. Not normal? I had to fucking _force_ myself to kiss Tracy and I still didn’t feel anything for her. There was _nothing_ there. With Shane…with Shane, I almost couldn’t help myself. Shane felt normal. Shane felt right.

For _me_ , Shane felt right. And I really didn’t understand _why_ that mattered to Ryan, or why it would matter to _anyone_ else. It had nothing to do with _any_ of them.

It was so frustrating. I couldn’t change it. I _tried_. I tried so fucking hard, for so long and nothing worked. And…I wasn’t even sure if I wanted to change it anymore. Not if it meant getting rid of Shane.

Fuck.

It felt like I was supposed to choose. Shane or Ryan.

If someone had asked me a week before, or even the _day_ before…I think I would have chosen Ryan. It would suck and I’d hate it, but if someone told me I _had_ to choose…I would have chosen Ry. He’d always been there. Always. He’d been my friend for as long as I could remember having friends. I’d have hated giving up Shane, but I don’t think I could have given up Ry.

But he made the choice for me. He walked away. He didn’t fucking _know_.

Nothing about our ‘conversation’— if you could call it that— made any sense to me. I couldn’t even _really_ be that upset about it. It didn’t even seem real. Ryan wasn’t my friend anymore? It was so ridiculous, I wanted to laugh. Ry had always been my friend. It was too hard to believe that he just… _wasn’t_ anymore. It felt like a fight, but Ryan and I fought all the time. It never lasted long. I almost expected him to come back, glare at me for a minute before telling me to get off my ass and get it over to Chloe’s so we could get homework done. It just…it didn’t seem real.

But it was.

He said he hated me…and that I was family. That I was his brother.

What the fuck did that mean?

My answer, when I asked myself that question…was exactly the same as Ryan’s.

I don’t fucking know.

I must have sat on my porch well over an hour, watching Chloe’s house like the walls were just going to magically disappear and I’d see everything that was going on inside. They were talking about me. I knew they were and it bothered the hell out of me to not be able to hear what was going on. What they’d decided. When Ryan left…I thought there might be a chance. He walked away but I couldn’t help but feel hopeful that there might be some sort of chance that things might be okay.

So, what the hell was he _saying_ to Chloe? Was he feeding her the same bullshit he’d fed me about family and…whatever else?

I wanted to pretend like I didn’t care, even if no one was around to see my act. I think I just thought that maybe if I acted like I didn’t care…I’d eventually believe it.

Because that had worked so well for the gay thing, right?

Right. Whatever.

It got dark while I was sitting there, seemingly in the span of a second and I got up reluctantly to go inside, taking one last look across the street at Chloe’s house before I did.

I felt like I should be upset, but I wasn’t. How could I be when I didn’t even know what was going on? I had no idea if we’d ever be okay again, but I couldn’t…I couldn’t stop feeling hopeful. I fucking hated it, because I knew I’d probably end up being disappointed. I was right back where I’d started that morning, I’d made absolutely _no_ progress. But…the hope? I really couldn’t help it. I couldn’t make it go away. He didn’t promise that we’d be cool again. He didn’t even say he’d try.

But he didn’t say he wouldn’t either.

The whole thing was fucking exhausting and I just wanted to forget about it. I wanted to…sleep and forget about it until morning. It was early, but I really didn’t give a shit. I walked into my house and grabbed the phone from the kitchen before running upstairs to my room. To call Shane. And not just because he was the only one of my friends that was still speaking to me.

He was also the only one I really wanted to talk to. Besides…I’d told him I’d call.

He answered halfway through the second ring.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” was the first thing I said when he answered. “I talked to Ryan, and I don’t want to talk anymore.”

I could almost hear him smile. Bite his lip. It’s what he does when he thinks I’m being ridiculous. “You called me because you don’t want to talk anymore?” he responded. “I see where that makes sense.”

“I wanted to talk to you. Just not about Ryan,” I said, sighing as I lay on my bed.

“Oh,” he said and he sounded surprised. “That’s…cool. Did you want me to come over?”

I hadn’t thought about it before, but…I did. Ryan had Chloe; it seemed unfair that I should be alone. And I wanted to see him. I wanted him close and it’s not like I really had to worry about Ryan walking in anymore. He probably wouldn’t be coming over any time soon.

“It’s cool if you’d rather be alone,” Shane offered when I didn’t respond right away. “I have Caydence here anyway—,”

“You didn’t tell her, did you?” I asked, jerking up in bed. I know it’s stupid, but with Ryan…I could almost hope that he wouldn’t say anything to anyone besides Chloe. I couldn’t believe that he’d tell everyone at school when he knew how they’d react. What I’d have to go through. I…fuck, I trusted him. I couldn’t help it.

I didn’t trust Caydence, though. I hardly even knew her. It made me nervous as hell to think she might know and when Shane was silent, it only got worse.

“She’s my best friend, Jake,” he said after a minute, voice low. “But no…I didn’t. She knows about me, though.”

I let out a relieved breath and lay back on my bed. “I thought you said everyone knew about you,” I said.

“No…I mean, yeah, they do, but that’s not what I meant,” he said, his voice still low. And I was worried all over again because I thought it might mean I’d pissed him off again. “I meant,” he went on. “That she knows that I like you. She knew before you did.”

That shocked me. I’d figured out pretty early on that Shane liked me, but I…sort of suppressed that or something. It made me smile, though; to hear that he’d told her. I wondered what he’d said about me.

“She…she did?” I asked, trying to casual. “Really?”

Shane snorted. “Yeah. Remember that day I helped you with your lab write up? I sort of ditched Caydence to do it and she was pissed. So, I told her why.”

I laughed, and stretched out on my bed. “I thought you said you were only helping because I was doing it wrong and you were annoyed.”

“Well, yeah,” he conceded. “There was that, too.”

I rolled my eyes. “Geek,” I said.

“Whatever, fucker, do you want me to come over, or not?” The smile was back in his voice.

“I want,” I said, softly. “But I don’t want to talk about Ryan. And…it’s cool if you don’t want to ditch Caydence. I mean...”

But I didn’t get to finish that sentence. Because someone opened my door, shoving so hard it swung around and collided with the wall. Loudly. I was surprised the doorknob hadn’t punched a hole through the wall.

“Chloe,” I said softly, looking at her. She looked pissed.

I groaned inwardly. Why not? My day was going so well already.

“What?” said Shane, sounding bemused. “What about her?”

“I’ll see you when you get here,” I said and without waiting for him to respond, I turned my phone off.

Chloe just stood there in my door way, green eyes alight with fury. I was actually afraid to speak, at first.

“Chloe…”

But I didn’t get to finish that sentence either.

You know, I would have thought that if anyone was going to hit me, it would have been Ry. Especially since I’d almost fucking kissed him. I don’t know why it never occurred to me that Chloe would do the hitting. She was always hitting me anyway; I really shouldn’t have been surprised.

“Asshole,” she said as she stormed into my room and punched me right in the stomach. It hurts when a weak person punches you in the stomach if you’re not ready for it. And Chloe wasn’t exactly weak, even if she was tiny.

“Jesus, Chloe,” I said, my stomach muscles tensing _after_ the fact. “I get it, okay? Just…go.”

She punched me again. “Asshole,” she all but growled at me. “You’re an asshole. I _like_ him, Jake. You _know_ that. And…fuck, I hate you.”

Wanna know how much of that I understood? Not much. Or…any of it.

“Ryan?” I asked, raising my eyebrows. “Seriously, Chlo, I told him it was an accident. It’s not like I was trying to—“

“What are you talking about?” she asked, and I cringed when she sat down, making herself comfortable.

I shrugged, shifting on my bed. “The thing with Ryan,” I said, unable to meet her eyes. “I didn’t mean to do it. It’s not like I like _him_. Not like that.”

Chloe rolled her eyes. “I _know_ that, jackass, but…” she paused to punch me again. At least it wasn’t my stomach anymore. Not that my leg was much better. I was going to have a bruise in the morning.

“Christ, Chlo,” I snapped, sitting up and pulling my legs into my chest to get away from her. “I fucking get it. I already went through this with Ryan, can you just go?”

“ _Asshole_ ,” she said once more, and moved closer to hit me again. The girl has…aggression issues that obviously needed to be worked on.

“I think…” she sighed, miserably. “I think he was finally going to kiss me. Ryan, I mean.”

I was quiet. I wouldn’t have known how to respond to that on a good day. I was confused. She _liked_ him, any kisses there were a _good_ thing, right? So, why was she freaking out about it?

“Uhm…”I raised an eyebrow. “Yay?”

She rolled her eyes. “He _didn’t_. He was yelling—about _you_. And then he said some stuff about me _and_ you that only makes sense if you speak ‘guy’ and I don’t…” She sighed. “Then I told him, everything was going to be okay and that you guys would get over it…and that _I_ wasn’t going anywhere, so he didn’t have to worry about that…” she paused, biting her lip. “And…he got all quiet and asked me if I was sure and I told him I was. That’s when he…almost…but he didn’t. I haven’t decided how it’s your fault, but I know it is.”

And she thought _guys_ had a language. Wow…

“Uhm,” I said, slowly nodding. “ _Okay…_ ”

She flopped back on my bed so that she was lying across it sideways, sighing as she said, “I know, right?”

_I_ had no fucking idea, but I nodded carefully again anyway. “Right.”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling. “You’re right. Fuck it I wouldn’t know what to do with him if I actually _got_ him, anyway.” She sighed and turned to look at me. “So…you’re really gay?”

I had pretty much convinced myself that she didn’t know. I mean, if she knew, why hadn’t she flipped out and ended our friendship the way Ryan had…or _hadn’t_ …whatever. She was being insane and…more than a little abusive but that wasn’t really out of the ordinary for her, so I just…assumed that all she really knew was that Ry and I weren’t…cool and that the only kiss she knew about was the one that _didn’t_ happen between her and Ryan. Not the one that _didn’t_ happen between _me_ and Ry. Or the ones that constantly happened between Shane and me.

Her question caught me completely off guard. I froze and that whole ‘inability to speak’ issue I’d had with Ryan was back with a vengeance.

She sat up after a minute of my silence and moved closer to me. I cringed and waited for her to hit me again, but she didn’t. What she did was… _way_ worse than that.

She fucking hugged me.

I sort of just sat there. It was awkward. Chloe didn’t do hugs. _Ryan_ hugged more than Chloe did. It wasn’t that she was…distant or anything like that, she was constantly putting her feet in my lap, or looping her arm through mine as we walked at school. I just couldn’t remember her ever hugging before.

Besides, she knew the rules. _No_ comforting people that were pretending not to be upset. It was a _rule_ and she wasn’t following it.

“Is this it?” she asked softly when she let go. “Is this the thing I wasn’t supposed to ask questions about?”

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I was still way too shocked by the hug and her first question to actually say anything. Plus, I wasn’t used to actually _admitting_ it, so I just shrugged, staring down at my knees.

“Oh my God,” Chloe said suddenly, her eyes widening and I wondered if she was having some sort of delayed reaction. “Do you think _Ryan_ is too? Do you think that’s why he didn’t…?”

I think that’s exactly what I needed to hear to stop my freak out before I ended up the mute I’d been earlier. I started laughing. Hard. It wasn’t even funny, not really. It made me think of my conversation with Ryan, which I was trying my damnedest _not_ to think about. And how I _knew_ he definitely wasn’t gay and what he would have thought if he heard her say that.

It should have been upsetting, but it wasn’t. I couldn’t stop laughing.

“I’m pretty sure that’s not it, Chlo,” I said, almost tearing up.

“How do you know?” she actually sounded genuinely worried. “Is it, like, that gaydar, thing? You’re positive? I mean, just because he says he’s not, doesn’t mean…”

“Chloe!” I snapped, mostly because I really needed to stop laughing so that I could breathe and I couldn’t do that if she kept going.

“Ryan’s _not_ gay. He didn’t kiss you because you’re his _friend_.” I couldn’t bring myself to tell her that he didn’t want any more than that. Though…the fact that I knew he didn’t want anything more did have me wondering why the hell he’d tried to kiss her in the first place. But then, Chloe was crazy, it’s entirely possible she imagined the whole thing. Not that I was about to say that to _her_.

I smiled at her. “He doesn’t want to start anything with you because he doesn’t want you to end up like Kyler, or Stacy, or Sheila, or Evelyn…”

“Eve,” she corrected.

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever.”

“How do you _know_ that, though?” she asked, looking skeptical.

“Uhm…” I said, because I just remembered that I wasn’t supposed to say anything to Chloe about the conversation that I wasn’t supposed to have had with Ryan.

God, that’s complicated.

“He was my best friend, I know everything about him,” I tried, hating the ‘was’ in that sentence, and she rolled her eyes.

“Yeah, that’s what Ry would have said about _you_ yesterday, but he didn’t know _you_ were gay,” she said, and I froze again on instinct. I couldn’t just…sit there and talk about it like it was no big deal.

“He’s…” I forced, trying to stay cool. “He’s not gay, Chloe. I promise.”

She rolled her eyes and shoved me. “Whatever. I’m supposed to believe _you_? Apparently, you’re one big, fat liar…you’re really gay?”

I really wished she’d stop bringing it up. I bit my lip and refused to meet her eyes.

“Jesus, Chloe,” I said, quietly.

I was grateful, obviously, that she was okay with it. It just kind of threw me. I hadn’t expected her to be and I still wasn’t entirely comfortable talking about it. I _know_ it’s crazy, but I almost felt like it was a trick and the second I admitted it, she’d freak.

I do paranoid very well.

“Huh,” Chloe said, apparently taking my ‘not answer’ as a yes. “Didn’t see that coming. So, is there a guy, or did you kiss Ryan because you hate me? Or…” She paused and I actually got scared when her eyes widened. “Oh, my God. You don’t…You don’t have, like, feelings…”

“Holy fuck, Chloe, shut up,” I said, closing my eyes and letting my head roll back to collide with my head board. “No, I don’t. And I _didn’t_ kiss him… I thought he was someone else, so just drop it and _shut up_.”

“ _Who_?!” Chloe screamed, which was definitely _not_ shutting up.

“No one,” I answered immediately. I knew she wouldn’t believe me, but I wasn’t actually trying to convince her. It just sounded better than ‘I’m not telling you’. Much better.

Unfortunately, Shane has terrible timing and he decided to pick that moment to just show up uninvited…or maybe he was _technically_ invited but a decent person would have waited until Chloe was _gone_ and not around to make assumptions.

Even if they happened to be right.

“Oh. My. God.” She said when he walked in. I swore I’d hit her if she said those three words one more time. Fuck my mother and all her lectures about not hitting girls, I’d hit her and I’d hit her hard.

“Uhm,” Shane said, standing in the doorway, shifting under our gazes. “You hung up on me and I thought…” he paused and frowned. “Never mind. Obviously, I was wrong. I’ll come back later.” He turned to walk out.

“No, wait!”

I didn’t say it, Chloe did. I was perfectly okay with him coming back later. I _liked_ that plan. Or…I wanted Chloe to come back later. That one was even better.

I glared at Shane when he turned back around and smiled at her. “Hey, Chloe,” he said, like they actually really knew each other. “What’s up?”

“It’s you, right?” Chloe said, ignoring his greeting because…it’s in her nature to make me as miserable as possible. “Jake thought it was _you_ last night.”

Shane’s eyes widened and shot over to meet mine. I just kind of shrugged, helplessly. I couldn’t really tell either of them to get the fuck out. Chloe wouldn’t listen and…I wasn’t about to say it to Shane.

I don’t know why it made me so uncomfortable, having the two of them there. I think it was…habit. I wasn’t used to Chloe _knowing_ and the whole situation made me feel awkward as hell.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Shane answered Chloe carefully, still looking at me.

Chloe ignored him. Again. “So, you two are…I mean, you and Jake are… wow, I don’t know if I can say it.” She shook her head. “That is just…you’re fucked up, Jake.”

“What the fuck is that supposed to mean?” Shane snapped at her immediately and my eyes widened. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with what Chloe said. I knew her well enough to know she wasn’t trying to be a bitch and I didn’t get why Shane was snapping at her. It’s not like she was even talking about him, anyway.

“It _means_ ,” Chloe said, her smile still firmly in place. “That it’s weird. Way weird. And _unfair_. I get one tiny, little _hint_ of a kiss and _you_ —,” She turned to face me. “Are sleeping with Shane Tickersine? Not on, Jake. Not on.”

My eyes widened further than I thought possible and I think I may have choked on my tongue for a second. “Who said anything about _sleeping_? No one, Chlo. _No one_ has been sleeping. Not together. There has been _no_ sleeping. At all. Ever.”

The room was quiet and they were both staring at me like I’d just had a minor breakdown. It’s possible that they weren’t exactly wrong.

And then…came the laughing. I hated them both. Assholes.

“Shut up,” I muttered, my ears burning. “And while you’re shutting up, please fuck off.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and leaned in to give me another hug. Thankfully, it was over a lot quicker than the last one had been.

She smiled at me. “Right. I’ll fuck off. Have fun…’not’ sleeping,” she said, laughing as she got off my bed. And then surprised the hell out of me when she gave Shane a quick half hug before she moved to leave.

“And Jake?” she said, pausing in my doorway. She wasn’t smiling anymore.

“What?” I asked. I was _trying_ to snap at her but it wasn’t working. She’d made me uncomfortable, on purpose, and I wanted to punish her a little for that, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t be mad at her. Not right at that moment, at least.

She was still my friend. She was a _bitch_ but she didn’t hate me. She wasn’t walking away from me… or she was, technically, but not the way Ryan had. Which only meant _more_ hope, but this time…it wasn’t the bad kind. The kind that I knew would only have me disappointed.

“I’m not taking sides,” she said, fidgeting in the doorway. “I’m not saying he’s…right, or anything, okay? I just…can’t take sides. I’ll make sure he’s not going to say anything, but…you get it, right? It’s not like I haven’t had your back when you were wrong before. I’ll try to talk to him, but I’m not going to ditch him.”

I just nodded. I _did_ get it. It sucked that there were sides _to_ take, but I got it. And…I still wasn’t mad at her. .

She didn’t hate me. She knew and…as far as I could tell she didn’t give a shit as long as she could torture me with the information.

She offered me one last smile before she finally left my room and closed the door behind her, leaving me alone with Shane. Finally.

He smiled at me when I met his eyes. “I like her,” he said, decisively as he moved to take her spot at the end of my bed.

I smiled, laughing softly. “Me too,” I replied, nodding.

“And Ryan?” he asked as he made himself comfortable on my bed…way too far away from me at the other end. “How’d it go with Ryan?”

And my smile was gone. I felt almost…drained on the subject. I spent forever obsessing about it myself on the porch and…there was the actual _having_ of the conversation and then everything with Chloe. I wanted Shane to help me _relax_ , not make me have to obsess some more.

“Nothing happened. Not really,” I said. I really didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t want to think about it because I still wasn’t sure how I was supposed to feel. But Shane was looking at me expectantly and I figured I should tell him something. Like…the important stuff. Just to get it out of the way.

“Ryan…he said he hates me. But he isn’t sure what he’s going to do about it. Or if we can still be…cool. He said he doesn’t know how to find a new…” I paused, frowning as I thought about it. I’m not sure why, but I didn’t want to tell Shane what Ryan said. Brother? I know…it’s not really a big deal, but I didn’t want to say it.

“Uhm,” I went on when Shane nudged me. “Friend. He doesn’t know how to find a new…friend,” I finished lamely.

Shane snorted. “Ryan Lucas hangs out with new people every week,” he said, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “And he said he doesn’t know how to find a new friend? Bullshit.”

“That’s not what he meant,” I responded, desperately wanting to change the subject. “And none of those people are his friends. Not really.”

Shane didn’t look convinced. “So? I don’t know him like you do, I get that. But…he’s not the kind of guy that looks like he’d have trouble making friends.”

I sighed biting my lip. The ‘family’ thing? It sounded…lame, somehow but that’s not why I didn’t want to tell Shane about it. I kind of knew it was something about which Ry wouldn’t want me telling everyone. But…so fucking what, right? He told Chloe the one secret I didn’t even want to tell _myself_ about… or…whatever. It’s crazy but that totally made sense to _me_.

I sighed and turned to look Shane in the eye. “He…didn’t say ‘friend’ exactly. It was more than that.” I was still hesitating, though I have no idea why and Shane’s eyes widened and he sat up a little straighter.

“What?” he asked his voice flat.

I shrugged. “He said…’brother’. That he didn’t know how to make a new brother.”

Shane sighed, frowning, as he lay back down, letting out a breath. “I think…that doesn’t sound like a ‘bad’ thing, Jake,” he said, reasonably. “Maybe…”

“Yeah,” I interrupted, rolling my eyes. “I already went over a whole shit load of ‘maybe’s’. I don’t want to think about it anymore. And I’m _done_ talking about Ryan.”

I’m not sure why I snapped, but…for the night, I was _done_ thinking about it. I’d think about it the next day and deal with everything then. I wanted to _relax_ and I couldn’t do that if we kept talking about Ryan.

I was being an ass and I knew it. I just couldn’t really help it. I expected him to get up and leave, pissed off at me for it, but I shouldn’t have. Shane…he never really pushed.

“Alright,” he said after a second and he stretched out on my bed, making himself comfortable. “It’s cool. What _did_ you want to talk about, then? When you called me, I mean?”

I shrugged. “I didn’t really want to _talk_ about anything,” I said, distractedly, looking at the bare inch of skin where his shirt had ridden up with all that unnecessary stretching. “I just wanted you here.”

He looked surprised for a moment and smiled, though I really couldn’t tell you why. “You should probably stop saying things like that,” he said, so quietly I almost didn’t hear him.

Not that it would have mattered if I didn’t hear it. As it was, I wasn’t really paying all that much attention. “Uh huh,” I responded, staring at his legs.

I wanted to touch him. It’d been the longest fucking day and just seeing him…relaxed me, somehow. Made it better. Everything with Ryan had been so exhausting and confusing and I just wanted to forget about it. And I could forget, with Shane, as long as he wasn’t bringing it up. When he was around, I never really thought about anything else. It was just…good to have him there and I felt like I needed him closer. Like I needed some kind of contact.

I still didn’t have any idea how to initiate that contact, though. I think I stared at him for a solid five minutes before I decided on a course of action.

I grabbed one of his feet, pulled it into my lap, and started undoing the shoelaces. Yeah…so I’m a pussy. Don’t act like you didn’t know.

“What are you doing?” he asked, sounding amused as I tried yanking his shoe off with little success.

I shrugged. “You’re wearing shoes in my bed,” I said, like it mattered one way or the other. I was pretty sure he wouldn’t buy that lame excuse, _I_ was still wearing my shoes, but I really didn’t give a shit whether he believed me or not. I was touching him… _that_ was the point.

He laughed. “I can take ‘em off, if you want,” he offered, and yeah, I knew he was being ass; he knew exactly what I was up to.

“I’ve got it,” I said, rolling my eyes, still yanking, but he laughed again, taking his foot away as he sat up.

“No,” he said, softly, as he toed off his shoes. “ _I’ve_ got it.”

I was only disappointed for the few seconds it took for Shane to get rid of the shoes himself and move up to the head of the bed to lie next to me.

I smiled. It was just…cool, you know—that I didn’t ever really have to say anything for him to get it. It had annoyed me at first, how well he could read me, but, I was definitely starting to like it.

He didn’t really touch me, not like I expected him to. I’d expected him to get close or kiss me, but he didn’t. He just lay alongside me, his shoulder just barely touching mine.

And that was cool too. More than enough. I was...exhausted. I wasn’t sure I had the energy for anything more.

Okay, so, I’m lying, but still. Just that little bit of contact felt good.

“Sorry,” Shane said, staring at the ceiling. “I thought you’d want ’space’ after everything with—well, everything.”

I didn’t respond to that right away. Mostly because I couldn’t figure out why I _didn’t_ want space and I wondered when I had gone from blaming him when things went wrong to wanting him around to get me through it. It didn’t seem like that long ago that I was running from him and blaming him for everything that happened to upset the ‘normal’ life I’d been so fond of. I snapped on him for everything, from the shivers I got when he looked at me for too long to my disastrous joke of a date with Tracy. None of it was really _his_ fault, but I was an ass to him anyway, and I’d run away from him almost every single time.

It made me feel like the lowest kind of shit. Even lower than I felt when Tracy was smiling at me in the car and all I could think about was getting the fuck away from her.

I was an _asshole_. Jesus.

“Shane,” I sighed, turning on my side to face him. He didn’t look at me. His kept staring at the ceiling and he tensed up. I wasn’t sure why but it definitely didn’t make me feel any better.

“I’m sorry,” I said, quietly, reaching out to touch him, just the backs of my fingers against the side of his ribcage. “I’m an ass,” I went on, cringing as I did my best to explain myself. “I…I don’t want…fuck.”

Shane laughed, finally turning over to look at me. “It’s cool, Jake, I get it,” he said and that ever present ‘just woke up’ rasp in his voice still made me shiver.

I sighed. “I don’t do it on purpose, you know,” I said, still determined to give him some kind of explanation. I felt like…I don’t know, like he deserved one. He was always _there_. Always understanding, even when _I_ didn’t understand. I was a dick to him from day one and he was _still_ there. I just…I really didn’t want to fuck it up.

“Do what?” Shane asked, sounding amused. I glared at him.

“You know what,” I said, flatly. “The running thing…I don’t do it on purpose. Or…no, I _do_ do it on purpose, but it’s not because…” I sighed, frowning. Talking—it’s harder than you might think. I wasn’t even sure what I was trying to say, but I wanted him to know, I didn’t want to…lose him.

Christ, I am so pathetic.

“I like you,” I pressed on and it was actually easier to say the words than it had been earlier that same day. I _meant_ it and if it made him feel anywhere near the way it made _me_ feel when he said something similar…I wanted him to hear it.

“I know,” he said, raising an eyebrow and it was so obvious that he was trying to hold back an amused grin; I don’t know why he even tried. I almost didn’t want to continue…not for him, anyway. Asshole. But, I think I just needed to say it. For me.

“Just listen,” I said, shoving him gently and he bit his lip and nodded, looking attentive. Or…Almost attentive.

“I do,” I started again. “Like you, I mean. A lot. But I didn’t want to.”

“Really?” Shane asked, not even bothering to hide his amusement anymore. “I didn’t notice.”

I sighed and rolled onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. “Fuck off,” I said, softly. He grabbed my arm and tried to pull me closer, but I shrugged him off.

“Jake,” he sighed and he stopped trying to pull me close to him and just rested his hand at the center of my chest. “I’m sorry. Just…you know you don’t have to say any of this, right? I get it.”

“Yeah, but I didn’t,” I said, turning just my head to look at him. “I _still_ don’t get most of it.”

“Most of what?” he asked, frowning and I laughed, hoping that I could say something intelligent before we did that thing where we lost each other in the middle of a conversation.

“Me,” I answered after thinking it over. “I don’t think I get ‘me’. Or Ryan. Or _you_ most of the time.”

“Uhm,” he said, brow furrowing. “Okay?”

I turned on my side to face him again. “No, seriously, listen,” I said, and I took a second to try and figure out how to explain myself. I thought I had all the words ready and they sounded good in my head.

Then I fucked up and tried to actually _say_ them. It didn’t come out at all like I’d planned.

“I don’t wanna be gay,” I said, and Shane actually snorted, but he composed himself pretty quickly when I shot him a glare. “I don’t,” I went on carefully. “I never did. I didn’t want things to change. I _knew_ what would happen if I let myself—,”

“ _Let_ yourself?” Shane interrupted, raising an incredulous eyebrow.

I frowned. “Well…yeah. I thought I could change it. And then…then I met you and—,”

“And I fucked everything up for you,” he finished and I glared at him.

“Jesus Christ, will you shut the fuck up?” There’s no way he was more shocked than I was at my outburst, but he looked it. We both fell silent and he sort of stared at me, eyes wide, his mouth slightly open.

And this time, when he started laughing, I laughed with him.

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “Just…look, I _like_ you. I didn’t want it, but, I do and I want to _keep_ liking you. I was having issues because I couldn’t stop thinking about…well, you, mostly and I didn’t _want_ to be gay. I wanted it to go away and I couldn’t stop thinking about it with you around. But, I’m over it…I think. I don’t want you to, like, get lost or anything. Not anymore. I just didn’t want to…fuck things up with my family. Or Ryan…”

“He’s an asshole,” Shane said, sobering as soon as I said Ryan’s name. “Seriously, Jake, he’s a dick. There’s no—,”

“He’s my best friend,” I interrupted because it’s just not in my nature to _not_ say something when someone’s insulting Ry. At least, I didn’t snap at him.

“Right,” Shane snorted, rolling his eyes. “Whatever.”

I almost wanted to argue with him, but our conversation so far, wasn’t working out quite like I’d planned and I didn’t want to make it worse.

“Just,” I said, biting my lip. “I want you, okay?” Shane’s eyes widened and I was quick to add. “ _Around_. I want you _around_. I don’t want you to get lost. And I’m sorry I’m an ass.”

And a fucking idiot. He was laughing at me again and I rolled onto my back again to stare at the ceiling once more.

I have a _very_ interesting ceiling. I especially like looking at it when I make an ass of myself.

“Jake,” he said, chuckling softly. “You get that I already knew most of this, right?”

I shrugged, not meeting his eyes.

“Okay,” he said slowly and he moved closer to me, lying down on the bed as he grabbed my hand and held it. I couldn’t remember ever holding his hand before. It was weird in a way. I definitely wasn’t used to it. I almost wanted to pull away, actually, but I didn’t. I let him hold my hand and the room was silent but for the sound of our breathing.

It wasn’t so bad.

“Hey, Jake,” Shane said after awhile and I could hear the mischievous tone in his voice. It warned me not to answer.

But I never listen when I should.

“Yeah,” I replied absently, enjoying just being close to him.

He leaned in close to my ear, lips almost touching and I shivered when I felt his breath on my neck.

“I want you,” he whispered, so softly I barely heard him and my fucking mouth was dry in an instant. Three words. Three fucking words and my body tensed almost automatically and I was more turned on than I could ever remember being in my life. I wouldn’t have thought it possible after the day I had, but I was and I really didn’t give a shit if he noticed.

“H-huh?” I asked, my grip on his hand tightening almost against my will.

“I,” he whispered again and my chest shook when I felt his tongue against the shell of my ear as he licked his lips. “Want. You.”

I might have made a noise that may have slightly resembled a squeak, but if I did, there’s no way I’ll ever admit it.

I turned toward Shane, and my nose bumped his as I did. I tilted my head up to kiss him, because, really it was the most logical move to make, but he didn’t let me.

“ _Around_ ,” he said, the beginnings of a smirk pulling at his lips and I frowned as I tried to figure out what the hell he was talking about.

He laughed, presumably at the look on my face.

“I want you… _around_ …too,” he said and moved away, breaking all contact with me, leaving me completely dazed.

And…what the _fuck_? I want you… _around_?

Not cool, Shane. Not cool.

I decided to be mortified over my reaction and hate him for teasing me later, though. Right then…I just wanted to kiss him.

Shane laughed, surprised, when I grabbed his shoulder and practically yanked him back toward me, and maybe I was a little rough, but it was totally on purpose.

He raised an eyebrow, opening his mouth to speak and he had that look on his face like he was going to say something completely sarcastic, so I cut him off. I pressed my lips against his a little harder than I meant to but I pressed harder still when he mumbled whatever he was going to say against my lips anyway.

If I had stopped to think about it, I might have been shocked at how bold I was being. Actually, I probably wouldn’t have done it at all. I was slowly getting used to the idea of being gay. I wasn’t exactly _happy_ about it, but I was getting used to the idea. That didn’t mean I was comfortable initiating anything, though, and the fact that Shane had resisted, laughing for the first couple seconds of the kiss, should have been enough to make me retreat. But I didn’t. I kept with it, pressing my lips firmly against his until he relaxed into it, kissing me back.

_I want you_. It seems like almost nothing. They’re just words, right? But the way he _said_ them sent me reeling. It made me dizzy and I had chills, which seemed impossible with how hot my body suddenly felt. Just from hearing those words. It was pathetic.

Not as pathetic as the pile of fucking mush he turned me into after that. It got…intense. I hadn’t expected to get so into it when I first pulled him into me, but as soon as he started participating I got a little…or a lot caught up in it.

He was laying half on top of me, with his chest against mine, but the rest of his body off to the side.

You know how you can be in a room with someone, having a decent time, laughing and having fun, but then something happens that just…changes the mood completely? Like, the person you’re with will say or do something and everything is just _different_ all of the sudden? Well, it happened.

Shane had been laughing at me when I first kissed him, but he definitely wasn’t laughing anymore. He shuddered—I don’t know why—while he was kissing me and everything just…changed. It was like the air was suddenly thicker…warmer…and it was hard to breathe.

Even _he_ changed, gripping me tighter, kissing me harder. I’d been turned on when we started…I’d been turned on since he said those three little words but it was nothing compared to what I felt after the…’change’.

Remember when I said I’d never get tired of Shane’s kisses?

Well, I lied. I was already tired of the kissing. Or rather, I was already tired of _just_ kissing.

I wasn’t even sure if I was _ready_ for more. It was just hearing him say those words and the way he kissed me that night—lips pressed hard against mine, tongue thrusting into my mouth almost viciously, his chest writhing against mine—it was almost too much.

But not enough. Definitely not enough. It had me desperate. I clutched at him, pulling him so close that it was hard to keep from breaking the kiss, but I couldn’t help it. I _wanted_ him. I just didn’t know how to say it.

He sighed, breaking the kiss and leaning his forehead against mine, eyes closed. “Jake,” he whispered, breathlessly. “I should probably take off.”

What? Take off? Who leaves right in the middle of…whatever it was we were doing? It was definitely not the time and besides, he just got there. I reached up to cup the back of his head to pull him back in but he shook loose, sitting up.

“Wait—what?” I asked and my voice was…husky. I was sure my voice had never been anything that could be called ‘husky’ before.

“This…” he paused and leaned down to kiss me. “It’s been kind of a…day.” He had to know that didn’t make any sense. “I mean,” he went on, getting off my bed and forcing his feet back into his shoes. “This probably isn’t the best day for… _this_.”

That wasn’t much better and I wanted to question it, but he didn’t really give me a chance.

“I’ll see you in the morning,” he said, and he leaned down over my bed to kiss me once more and I swear to fucking god, I wasn’t imagining the way he reached down to adjust his erection, wincing as he did so.

“Shane,” I said, but he kissed me again and I sort of lost my train of thought.

“Later,” he said, breaking the contact with my lips and stepping away. He all but fucking ran out of the door.

“Fuck,” I said to my empty room as I dropped my head back against my pillows. “Fuck.”

It was probably better that he _had_ left. I wasn’t sure if I was ready for more, even if everything in me was currently screaming that I was.

Whatever. It’s not like I was a stranger to getting myself off, but as I slid my hand down the zipper of my jeans and reached in to grab my cock…it was the first time I could remember actually being bitter about it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Once, when I was a kid, Ryan and I got it into our heads that we were going to build a pool in his backyard. We’d just learned how to swim and Chloe’s mom didn’t want younger kids swimming in the pool. She didn’t want any accidents. Not even Chloe was allowed in the pool.

So, we decided to build our own. We even drew up plans the night before…or actually, we drew a picture of the pool, but we called it our ‘plan’. We figured we’d dig a hole, really deep and put the camping tarp down at the bottom so it wouldn’t be muddy. We grabbed everything that we could find from his garage the second his parents left. Shovels, gloves, hammers (we had no idea what we were going to use them for, but we thought they looked cool), we even got one of those metal weed pullers but we ditched it after Ry almost caught me in the shin with it.

We took all of our stuff in the backyard and got to work. We figured, if we worked nonstop, we could have the whole thing finished by the time his dad got off work.

Want to know how much we _didn’t_ succeed?

If our idea would have worked in the first place, we couldn’t even dig a hole. It was really hard to get through all the grass, for one, but once we ruined most of _that_ with shovels and spoons and…our hands, it was just…really hard to get a hole started at all. There were rocks and the ground was hard.

So, no, we didn’t build our pool. We _did_ ruin Ryan’s back yard, though, and his parents were fucking pissed. Even his mom, still alive back then, looked like she was about to throw a fit.

She didn’t, though. She stopped looking angry right around the time Ryan explained the plan to her and told her not to worry, because it didn’t work. We were both pretty upset about that and _shocked_ , too. We had thought it was a great plan, and we were so sure it’d be a piece of cake.

Ryan had looked so miserable when he finished the story, and he threw his hammer, saying, “We just wanted to swim, mom, but we couldn’t make it work.”

I thought they were going to yell. I stood behind Ryan and _waited_ for it to start. From his dad, especially because I couldn’t recall Mrs. Lucas ever yelling.

But she just laughed and pulled both me and Ryan into a hug and told us we just ‘needed a little rain’ to get started and she went and got the hose. Ryan’s dad objected at first, but one look from Mrs. Lucas shut him up and he even grabbed a shovel to help me and Ry, while Mrs. Lucas sprayed water over everything.

And the four of us, turned the backyard into a swamp of sorts. It was all watery mud with grass floating at the top and, obviously not a pool, but we had a blast anyway. And afterwards, Mr. Lucas took us to the Community center to swim there.

This all seems kind of pointless, right? It is, mostly. Ryan and I did some pretty stupid shit when we were younger, so what? But…that day was the first time I could remember him ever calling me his brother.

Ever since then, he’s just sort of thrown it into random conversation whenever I did something he liked. I never really thought he was serious. I thought it was kind of…a best friend thing. Just something you say. But when Ry said it while we were fighting, it threw me. He was _pissed_ at me, he said he _hated_ me so why would he say it then? It was fucked up and I felt like he was _trying_ to trick me into hoping.

It was totally working.

When I woke up for school the next day, I purposely waited on my porch for Shane. Or…I was partially waiting for Shane. I may have also been waiting for Ryan. To see what he’d do when he came to get Chloe and saw me sitting there. I don’t know what I was expecting, but I was definitely disappointed.

He pulled into Chloe’s driveway and honked like he always did and Chloe came running out, waving at me like she always did, but it wasn’t her usually ‘I’m way to much of a freak to be suitably miserable in the morning’ wave. She kind of lifted her hand and gave me a sad sort of smile, which, I had no idea how to read and she mouthed something to me like I could actually read lips as she walked to her driveway. But instead of climbing into Ry’s car, she went to his window to talk to him.

I sat up straighter in my seat, leaning forward like a couple of inches was actually going to help me hear better. It didn’t, obviously. I couldn’t hear anything other than the sound of Ry’s car running and the music he always kept way too loud, but I could see it wasn’t going well. Chloe was getting more annoyed by the second and ended up throwing up her hands in defeat and turning away like she was going to walk to school.

She got as far as the sidewalk before he got out to follow her, without taking one look in my direction and when he spoke to her, grabbing onto her arm to stop her, I could hear the sound of his voice but I couldn’t make out any actual words.

Chloe, though—I knew her well enough to know that what he was saying was getting to her. I was actually a little worried for a second that maybe he was…I don’t know, convincing her or…whatever. She held her ground though and he finally said something I heard.

“Fine,” he said and he turned away from her, toward _me_. “Just get in the fucking car, please,” he said, and though he was facing me, it was pretty obvious that comment was for Chloe. And she did get in the car, leaving Ry and me to stare at each other from opposite sides of the street.

My heart picked up it’s pace, pounding inside of my chest. I mean, I didn’t want to ride to school with him, especially not just because Chloe threw a fit, but I wanted him to say something. I didn’t even care if he started yelling, I just needed _something_. I wanted to know where the hell we were or what was going on because ‘I don’t fucking know’ isn’t really an _answer_. I felt like I was…stuck. I couldn’t be upset or angry and I couldn’t be happy or relieved either. I was just…stuck, waiting for him to tell me something that made sense.

“Jake,” he snapped at me to get my attention like I wasn’t already completely focused on him. “Do you want a fucking ride?”

You know how some people ask questions and sort of _tell_ you what answer they want to hear with their voice and their glares? That’s what Ryan did. It was pretty clear my answer was supposed to be a solid ‘no’. But…I almost said yes, anyway. I wanted to force it. It’d only been one night but it was already driving me crazy and I wanted an answer. A real answer. If Ry and me weren’t…’Ry and me’ anymore, he was going to have to fucking say it.

I actually stood up to go across the street, but I didn’t even get a chance to take the first step.

Shane. I guess it was better that he showed up before I could actually ditch him because…it would’ve been really fucked up if I just left without him. I was still upset, though. And when Ry sneered at Shane’s car and then _me_ …I wondered if _that_ might be an answer.

I still needed to _hear_ it, though. It wasn’t that I wanted to hear it…I just _needed_ to. It was the ‘hope’ thing. He said I was his brother. I was latching onto that and I knew I shouldn’t have been, but I couldn’t help it. Ryan…he doesn’t say things he doesn’t mean, not when he’s angry, unlike most people. He said I was his brother and if I wasn’t anymore…I needed to hear it.

“Jake?” Shane called out of the window of his car.

Ryan laughed derisively from across the street, turning to walk to his car, saying, “Guess not,” as he did. I’d heard Ryan use that tone of voice so many times before. Just never on me. It was...painful. More so than I cared to admit.

“You can go with him, if you want,” Shane said when I walked over to his car. “It’s cool, but he looks pissed.”

I shook my head. “I’m riding with you,” I said simply, giving Shane a look and he dropped the subject without any question.

Ryan sped off before I was even fully in Shane’s car and I sighed as I sank into the passenger seat, trying to ignore the sinking feeling in my stomach.

“Are you good?” Shane asked and if I didn’t feel like complete shit at the moment, I would have laughed at how he was trying to sound casual.

I forced a smile, but I’m not sure it really worked. “I’m fine,” I assured him.

He studied me for a second, in that way that he had before he shocked the hell out of me and leaned in and kissed me. It was short. Quick. Just the brush of his lips against mine and even though my parents were home…even though we were in my _fucking_ driveway…I relaxed. It should have made me nervous, but it didn’t. It was good. I hadn’t even known I’d wanted it until he gave it to me.

“This kind of sucks,” he said as he put the car into reverse and pulled out of my driveway.

“Huh?” I asked. “You mean Ryan, right?” I really hoped not. State the obvious much? Of course it fucking sucked.

“Well…yeah, kind of,” he said, shrugging. “I mean, you and me—we’re still pretty…’new’, I guess. This is _not_ supposed to be the hard part. It’s supposed to be the fun part.”

I wasn’t quite sure what that meant, but I nodded anyway. “I had ‘fun’ last night,” I said, smirking. I have no idea where it came from. It was just…so not _me_ to bring it up. It wasn’t like me to even participate in a conversation when someone _else_ brought it up.

Shane didn’t think it was like me either, if the way his eyes widened were anything to go by. “Uhm,” he said, taken off guard. “Well…yeah, that’s what I mean. It’s supposed to be more like that. Without all the drama.” He paused, turning to grin at me. “And…I had fun too.”

I grinned. The ‘drama’ sort of followed me around, but when I was with Shane—when he was kissing me, or smiling at me, or even just looking at me—I could almost let all of it go.

Almost. The sinking feeling in my stomach was still there, but for the most part, with Shane…it was almost easy to ignore for the moment.

The rest of the ride was spent in silence, but not the bad kind that I’m so good at. It was comfortable. Shane kept turning to smile at me, or possibly check on me, which was kind of annoying and—someone shoot me in the face, because I’m gonna fucking say it—cute. Or hot. I’m not sure you can call Shane ‘cute’.

Though…I would’ve sworn there was no way in hell _I’d_ ever call him hot. Jesus, what the fuck was happening to me?

I felt okay about it all, though—about Shane, or rather about Shane _and_ me—until we got to the school.

Shane had been driving me to school pretty much every day since that first time the day after we met, but we always parted ways the second we got to the school. I’d run off to find Ryan and he’d go wait for Caydence.

But, I wasn’t sure if it was a good idea to go find Ryan. I wanted to force it, yes. I wanted him to talk to me, but not there. Not where the entire fucking school could hear any slip ups either of us had. There’s no fucking way I was doing it there.

Unfortunately, I had no idea what to do, if I wasn’t going off to find Ryan and Chloe.

“You know,” Shane said, pulling his book bag out of his car. “You can always stick with me today. Now that you don’t have an excuse to run off.”

I knew he didn’t mean anything by it, but it still sucked hearing it but he looked immediately sorry for it, so I didn’t make a big deal.

“Nah,” I said instead and I walked around his car to stand next to him. “Ryan’s not my only friend.”

It was true, too. Or…it was kind of true. There were other people I could hang out with. People that I guess you could call friends. They just weren’t really ‘important friends’ like Ryan and Chloe…were, but I knew other people.

“Alright,” Shane said, nodding. “See you at lunch?”

“Yeah,” I said, but I didn’t walk away. We both stood there, staring at each other silently and it’s _crazy_ but I think I wanted to kiss him. Not for any reason other than it felt wrong just to walk away.

I didn’t, obviously. We were at school, I didn’t even feel comfortable _looking_ at him for too long. I settled for dropping a hand on his forearm, squeezing lightly before saying, “Later,” and walking away.

God, I had no idea what was happening to me. What _he_ was doing to me. Like, before Shane, I was to afraid to even think about another guy alone in my _room_ and now I was having strange, _insane_ impulses to kiss him in the middle of the student parking lot. Jesus Christ.

I wandered around the school alone, for the most part, before school, which, by the way, is totally lame in the worst way. I really did have other friends besides Ryan and Chloe, but I’d have to go to the quad to find them and that’s where Ry and Chloe would be. It’d just be weird. They weren’t really friends, more like people I talked to when my friends weren’t around and if I sat with them when Ryan and Chloe were right there, it would look weird. They’d ask questions.

So, I wandered aimlessly through the halls trying my best to look like I was actually doing something and not like I was a fucking loner. I think I pulled it off alright, but still. Lame. Really fucking lame.

I didn’t have any more luck paying attention in my classes than I had the day before. Probably because, even though Ryan and I had talked, we didn’t really get anywhere and I was right back where I started, wondering what the hell was going to happen next. And the only times I wasn’t preoccupied with thinking about Ryan, I was thinking about Shane, which really didn’t help me concentration any.

I did have Chloe for a couple classes, which was cool. I mean, she looked kind of upset and it sucked that she had to deal with it too, but it was still cool to see her. I’m not sure why. It’s not like it’d been that long since we last talked but it was just good to know that she didn’t hate me and _wouldn’t_ hate me even if I couldn’t change.

Even if I wasn’t sure I _wanted to_ anymore.

She laughed at me when I smiled at her. “Happy to see me?” she asked, taking a seat next to me.

I rolled my eyes. “Milk it,” I said, sarcastically. “It won’t last.”

She slapped me, which was predictable, but that was cool too. With Chloe, nothing had changed. It was comforting in a way that impromptu hugs could never be.

“Are you coming to lunch?” she asked me halfway through fifth period. It was a weird question to hear from her and I almost told her so, until I realized why she was asking. I frowned.

“I think you should,” she went on. “You guys should talk, Jake.”

“He hates me, Chlo,” I whispered, wincing at how pathetic I sounded.

She rolled her eyes. “Bullshit,” Chloe said and Mrs. Kirsh turned to glare at us. We quieted, waiting for her to turn away and when she did, Chloe repeated herself, much quieter, “Bullshit, Jake.”

I shrugged. “Not today, Chloe. I’m…doing lunch with someone else.”

She didn’t ask any questions but the smirk on her face was enough to have me glaring at her. It definitely wasn’t going to take long for me to get over my inability to get annoyed with her.

Lunch with Shane was probably the highlight of my day, if you didn’t count the way Ryan glared daggers at me when I bypassed him and Chloe to go sit with Shane and Caydence. If looks could kill and all that, right?

Whatever.

I couldn’t even really enjoy swim practice. Everyone, coach included, noticed that Ry and I were avoiding each other. A few people even asked about it.

“Did he, like, steal your girlfriend or something?” Toby Miller asked as we stepped up to the edge of the pool, getting ready to fist swim, coach’s new favorite drill.

“No, bro,” I said, shrugging. “It’s nothing. We don’t need to be together all the time, you know.”

“Yeah,” Toby snorted, smacking my stomach with the back of his hand. “Right, dude. It’s not like you’re fags or anything.”

I sort of laughed, awkwardly, but that little incident ruined swim practice for me. Well…it didn’t ‘ruin’ my swimming, it just made it so I couldn’t enjoy it. Coach actually shook his head at me, stopwatch in hand, when I got out of the pool in the disappointed way that he does when he wants to ask why I never swim that well at actual meets.

“Try pissing him off,” Shane told coach, having witnessed the exchange. It was weird, but I’m pretty sure it was the first time I ever heard him speak during practice and from the looks on everyone’s face, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only one.

“What’s that?” Coach asked, gruffly.

“Try pissing him off,” Shane repeated, hoisting himself out of the pool. “He swims better when he’s pissed off.”

Coach looked at him for a moment before nodding thoughtfully, but I wasn’t really paying attention to Coach.

Ryan was looking between me and Shane with a look on his face that was somewhere between disgust and…well, anger, but that wasn’t anything new. He’d been angry all day.

That look, though…it hit me hard in the chest. I’d been impatiently watching the clock all day, waiting for school to get out so I could find a way to talk to him again, but after that look…I wasn’t so sure I wanted to anymore.

I didn’t really have much of a choice, though. He was waiting in the parking lot for me after swim practice and he glared when he saw Shane walking with me.

“Jake,” Ryan snapped in the same tone that he had that morning, as he walked over to me.

Shane actually took a step in front of me. He didn’t really block me from Ryan’s view; he just sort of stepped forward.

Ry raised an eyebrow at him and snorted. “Move,” he said, simply and there was nothing in his voice that _Shane_ would see as threatening, but…he didn’t really know Ryan.

“Or not,” Shane replied, crossing his arms over his chest and the whole thing was kind of ridiculous. Seriously, what the fuck were they doing?

I sighed. “What’s up, Ry?” I asked, trying to keep my expression blank. “What do you want?”

“What do you think,” he snapped, still completely involved in a glaring match with Shane. “I’ll give you a ride.”

Right, because I totally should have known _that_ after the way he’d acted that morning.

“I have a ride,” I said and yeah, not even _I_ could believe I went there. Plus, it was counter productive. I’d been waiting to talk to him all day. I just…wasn’t sure it was a good idea what with him acting like he was going to castrate me as soon as he got me alone.

“Now you have a different ride,” Ry said, finally turning to face me. He stepped passed Shane, actually shoving him out of the way. “Come on, Jake. Get rid of him, I want to try… _’talking’_ again.” He said the word like it was actually causing him pain.

I was…worried, I think, after the look he’d given me during practice, and with the way he was acting but…he was _trying_ , right? It was something. If he was going to tell me to fuck off, he could have done that earlier that morning or even right _then_ and be done with it. He didn’t need to get rid of Shane if that’s all he had to say.

“Fine,” I sighed, looking past him at Shane, who really didn’t look happy at all. “Give me a second.”

“For _what_?” Ryan asked, incredulously and I glared at him.

“I’m coming, alright, just give me a second.”

Ry glared at me, but he turned away. “I’ll be in the car.”

“Shane,” I sighed, not even bothering to wait for Ryan to get out of earshot.

Shane shook his head. “Whatever,” he said, shaking his head. “Just…call, okay?”

“I’m sorry,” I said, biting my lip. “Just…I should probably at least _try_ …”

“Yeah, I get,” he said, shortly. “I still think he’s an ass and I’m pretty sure it’s not a good idea for you to go with him, but I get it.”

“Are you pissed?” I asked, frowning, but Shane shook his head.

“You’ll call?” he asked, stepping closer and I nodded.

And…there was that urge again. The one to kiss him. I shook it off, fully intending to ignore it, but Shane, grabbed the front of my shirt and pulled me in, so quickly I barely had time to react.

“Shane—,” I started but he kissed me. Hard, but quick, right in the middle of the fucking parking lot.

“I’ll see you later,” he said, releasing me and he walked away before I had the chance to snap on him for it. Which, I fully intended to do the next I saw him. After I talked to…

…Ryan. He was standing outside his car, leaning against the trunk, waiting for me, jaw visibly clenched.

“Just get in the fucking car,” he said, shaking his head at me as he walked around to the driver’s side. “Don’t say anything and just…get in…”

I probably shouldn’t have…but I took a few deep breaths as I walked the distance across the parking lot and did what he said.


	11. Chapter 11

Besides Ry, I was the first person to ever ride in his car. I was more used to riding with Ryan than I was with my parents. The passenger seat was _mine_ whenever I rode with him and I was comfortable riding with Ry, even knowing that he’d been in three accidents since he’d gotten his license and with my fear of big metal moving things.

I wasn’t comfortable when I got into the car that day, though. Not even a little bit. Ryan’s knuckles were white against the steering wheel and his nostrils flared every time he inhaled. I could hear him grinding his teeth and his entire body was visibly tense. I won’t lie; he looked fucking scary. And the fact that I knew all of his anger was for _me_ had me contemplating tucking and rolling out of a moving vehicle.

My stomach was in _knots_. I felt sick with every breath I took in and my mouth was all sandy again. And I _knew_ that whatever conversation that Ry and I were about to have was going to be awkward as hell, but…I couldn’t just walk away from it. If there was a chance, however small, that Ry and me—that we’d be okay—I was taking it.

I was going to kick Shane’s ass for kissing me in front of him. Or…probably not, but I was going to do something. I definitely wasn’t going to let it go. He was just…a dick for doing it. I mean, I get that Ryan already knew about me. Hell, he even knew about Shane and me together, but…it just wasn’t the time. I wasn’t sure it ever would be. Christ, I wasn’t even comfortable talking to Ry about…being…gay, I was definitely not ready to kiss someone else in front of him. And Shane _knew_ that. He knew and I couldn’t figure out _why_ he’d done it. Ryan wasn’t ready to see it. I wasn’t ready to do it. And Shane was fucked up. End of story.

“You kissed him,” Ry said through clenched teeth as he drove, staring straight out at the rode.

I didn’t know what to say to that. Technically, Shane had kissed _me_ but I didn’t think that little fact was going to calm Ry down any so I kept it to myself. Besides, it was convenient to blame it all on Shane, but I knew some of it was my fault. I could have pulled away. There was probably at least a few seconds where I could have stopped him before he made any contact. I didn’t.

“Ry…” I said, because it was the only word I could think of that I didn’t think would piss him off enough to drive the car straight into a telephone pole.

“You _kissed_ him,” Ry repeated, like he needed to make it clear how _unbelievable_ he found the entire situation. He sounded…almost disgusted, which is probably why I jumped on the defensive.

“I know,” I said, voice low. “I was there.”

“Fuck you, Jake,” Ryan snapped and I winced, gripping my seat when the car swerved violently as he turned to look at me. He righted the car almost immediately, but I was back to contemplating my whole ‘tuck and roll’ idea.

“He’s a _guy_ ,” Ryan went on in a tone that implied he thought he was telling me something I didn’t already know. “And you…Jesus, you actually kissed him like you’re…” He shook his head and he sounded…lost. Completely lost and I was pissed at him, but—I don’t know how to be an ass to Ry when he sounds like that.

I sighed. “I’m…I don’t,” I started slowly, cautiously. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Ryan.”

Ry snorted, derisively. “Yeah? Me neither.”

We were silent after that. Ryan went back to staring at the road, brow furrowed and I…I didn’t know what to do. Denying the whole gay thing wasn’t even a possibility anymore, not with Ryan. And I couldn’t go back, even if it _was_. Not just because of Shane either. I couldn’t go through it all again. Even if I _did_ convince Ry that I wasn’t gay, I’d have to deal with all the shit again later when he found out it was a lie.

I just…didn’t know how to deal with it. I didn’t know what to say and as much as I’d hated feeling hopeful, I hated the hopeless feeling I had in the car even more. I didn’t know _how_ we could be…okay again. Ryan wasn’t budging and I didn’t have any moves to make. I didn’t have a clue as to what to do. So I just sat there, silently, waiting for Ryan to get to his house.

But our street came and went and Ry didn’t even glance back when he missed the turn. I looked at him questioningly, but I didn’t think it’d do much good because he wasn’t looking at me. He didn’t need to be though. Ry answered my question before I had a chance to ask it.

“Chloe’s waiting at my house,” he said, flatly. “I don’t want to talk to you with a fucking babysitter or whatever.”

I can’t even begin to express how reassuring that _wasn’t_.

“Where are you taking me?” I asked trying to keep the panic out of my voice. I mean…it’s not that I was afraid Ryan would actually hurt me. He was mad…really mad but even with how disgusted he sounded every time he spoke to me or how pissed off he looked whenever he glanced in my direction—I knew he wouldn’t actually hurt me. Not badly anyway. If we fought, it’d be fair and it’s not like he’d leave me for dead.

No, I wasn’t panicking because I thought he might lash out on me or anything. I was panicking because if he didn’t want Chlo hearing what he had to say—it couldn’t be good news. I hadn’t really allowed myself to consider the possibility that Ryan and I wouldn’t be friends anymore, not really. It was such a ridiculous thought, I wasn’t sure I knew _how_ to consider that possibility. Ryan was my best friend, he always had been. I didn’t know how to move away from that and the thought scared the shit out of me.

“I have community service today,” Ryan answered after a minute. I’d almost forgotten I’d even asked him something. “You’re coming with me. We’ll…’talk’ there.”

I took a deep breath, closing my eyes for a moment and turned slightly in my seat to face Ry. “If you’re going to tell me to get lost, that’s all you’ve gotta say. I don’t need any big explanation. Just two words; ‘fuck off’ and I’m gone.”

Ryan chewed his lip as he thought about that but he shook his head after a minute. “I don’t know what I’m going to say yet,” he said simply. And that was enough to keep me from feeling completely hopeless and the two of us were silent the rest of the car ride.

Impossible Dream—where Ryan has his community service—is in a big, bright red building with the words ‘Impossible Dream’ written in giant orange letters on the side of the building with bright yellow stars all over the place and I always get a headache if I look at it too long. I’d been there before because my mother shops there at the second hand store at least once a week to see what she can find for less than a dollar. She always has a blast. Impossible Dream always made me want to vomit. The place smelled like sweat, rotten food, and horse shit. I _swear_ it smelled like horse shit. Or, what I imagined horse shit smelled like, I’ve never actually seen a horse except on TV.

Whatever, the point is, I always hated the place. When Ryan first told me he’d be doing his community service hours there, I felt bad for him. I felt even worse for him when he told me what he’d be doing—going through the donations, making sure they were clean, checking expiration dates on donated food, and throwing out what couldn’t be recycled. I remember asking Ry why he couldn’t just clean up litter or something. Trash seemed more sanitary. Seriously, if the stuff smelled bad _after_ it was cleaned, I didn’t ever want to know what everything was like _before_.

Unfortunately for me, I was about to find out. When Ry went around to the back of the building to sign in for his two hours of slavery that day, he jerked his head back at me and told his supervisor I’d be volunteering.

What a bitch. I didn’t even get a chance to object before someone in a pair of grungy coveralls handed me a pair of thick gloves. “You’ll want these,” he said, smiling from ear to ear. “It’s always nice to see young ones stepping up to help out on their own.”

It only made me feel guilty for a second. The guilt vanished when Ry took me inside the back door and down some steps to a basement full of semi-toxic waste. It definitely smelled just as bad as I thought it would.

I understand that donations can’t be brand new, but you’d think people used the place to dump their trash for free.

“Uhm,” I said, looking at my gloves a little helplessly. “Ry…about this.”

“Don’t be such fag…” He froze, frowning and shook his head. “I mean…I meant…” he sighed. “Fuck it, just put on the gloves, Jake.”

I glared at him for a second but I gave up before long. He wasn’t even looking at me to see the glare so there wasn’t really a point. I sighed and slipped my hands into the gloves.

“If it’s not broken, keep it,” Ryan said, ripping open one of the black garbage bags that sat along the back wall and dumping the contents on one of the tables in the center of the room. “The rest is tossed. Food goes in the red crates. Everything else goes in the green. Trash in the black. If it needs to be washed, it goes in the orange. Got it?”

“Whatever,” I muttered and I stepped up to the table. “I thought you wanted to talk, Ryan.”

He got right to work, acting like he didn’t hear me and when he finally did speak; I’d almost forgotten that I was waiting for it.

“I don’t…” he sighed, looking frustrated. “I don’t know _how_ to talk to you.”

It almost sounded more like a question, than a statement but if it was, I didn’t have an answer for him. I wasn’t sure how to talk to him lately either, which was…a little scary. Ryan was the only one that I’d _always_ known how to talk to. He was the only one that always understood me. He understood that when I said ‘get the fuck out of my house and leave me the hell alone’, I really meant, ‘I don’t want you to leave, but I don’t want to talk about it either’. He was the one person that I could actually communicate with without ever having to actually use words and what? That was just…gone?

“I’m sorry,” I said, though I have no idea what I was apologizing for. I just felt like I needed to say it. I felt like everything was _my_ fault. I _knew_ it was and I had no idea how to fix it.

Ry didn’t respond. He just shrugged his shoulders and tossed a remote control that was missing all of its buttons into the black crate.

The room was silent and I was actually glad for the garbage on the table in front of me. It gave me something to do. It helped keep me at least a little calmer than I would have been with nothing to focus on.

It was awkward for me, being there. I had known it would be, obviously, I just thought it’d be…different. Like, he’d be attacking me and I’d be fucking everything up with my inability to say anything useful, but it wasn’t like that at all. It was a different kind of awkward. A few times, I forgot that there was anything wrong with the two of us and once, I looked up at him, smiling about the ninja turtles back pack I found—like the one he had in third grade. But every time I looked at him and saw the tension in his shoulders and the way he was deliberately avoiding looking back at me, I remembered and the knots in my stomach would tighten up and I’d try and swallow that ‘about to be sick’ feeling that was stuck in my throat.

I hated it, but…I wasn’t freaking out. I was nervous, yeah, and I was pretty sure I was just as tense as Ryan was. I could feel it every time I moved. The muscles in my arms were so tense that they shook every time I reached for something on the table. But…I wasn’t freaking out. I couldn’t help but think—or hope—that if Ryan really wanted me to get lost for good, he wouldn’t have brought me with him. He could have waited for Shane to leave and tear into me in the school parking lot and left. But he didn’t. And he was _trying_ , right? That had to…fuck, it had to mean something ‘good’, right? Why would he even bother otherwise?

“Are you even sure?” Ryan asked suddenly. His voice was low, but it sounded ridiculously loud and I jumped, startled. “Tracy’s not the _only_ girl that likes you. There are others.”

I frowned, looking up at him, trying to figure out what the hell that had to do with anything, but Ry was still avoiding my eyes, head down, staring at the table.

“And?” I pressed, tossing a naked Ken doll that was missing its head into the trash bucket. “So, what?”

Ry looked up, finally, brows furrowed. “So,” he said. “You don’t _have_ to be with… _Shane_.”

I stared at him, cocking my head to the side. I had no idea what he was talking about. I really couldn’t see how these _other girls_ had anything to do with Shane and me and even if I _had_ known they liked me, I couldn’t see how it would have made a difference.

Ryan sighed. “You could have said something, Jake,” he went on, but he wasn’t looking at me anymore. “I know you have issues talking to girls or whatever, but I could’ve helped you. You didn’t have to—,”

“Ry,” I interrupted him, dropping my hand flat against the table to get his attention. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You,” he said as if it should have been obvious. “You went on one date with Tracy and it didn’t work out so you decide to…” he trailed off, shaking his head. “It’s not like you don’t have other options. If you didn’t like Tracy, I could have—“

“I _did_ like Tracy,” I said, trying my best to keep up with him. “I _do_ like her. She’s cool.”

“Then _why_ —,”

“I was gay _before_ I went out with Tracy, Ryan.”

I froze. It was an accident; I hadn’t meant to say it. Ry just wasn’t making any sense and when I finally caught on to what he was implying, it just slipped out. I didn’t mean to. And even though I knew Ryan already knew about me, I desperately wanted to take it back.

“Oh,” was all Ryan said and he went back to sorting and ignoring the fact that I was there. I didn’t. I just stood there waiting for him to continue.

“So, how long?” he asked quietly after a minute.

I opened my mouth to respond, but nothing came out. Not because I couldn’t speak, it had just occurred to me that I didn’t know the answer to that question. I couldn’t pinpoint _when_ exactly it’d started, it just had. Like, one day, I was playing out on the playground with Ry and Chlo and I didn’t like _anyone_ that way and then I was checking out Todd Marcus during dodge ball. I didn’t really think much of it until Ryan started looking at girls the same way I was looking at Todd. And even _then_ I didn’t think much of it. Not until I learned what ‘fag’ actually meant and realized that if anyone ever knew about the way I looked at Todd they’d start calling me that word and there were horror stories about those ‘fags’ that I didn’t want anything to do with. I didn’t want the things that happened in those stories to happen to me and I didn’t want my friends to hate me.

“Jake,” Ry pressed, tearing me away from my thoughts. “How long?”

“I don’t know,” I answered quietly. “Since…a long time ago, I guess.”

“But _how_ long ago, Jake? When you started hanging out with Shane?”

I frowned, shaking my head. No, it wasn’t Shane, though I wished I could blame it all on him and I was sure that I _had_ blamed it on him. I wasn’t gay because of him though. He’d just made it impossible for me to ignore. Or maybe _I_ did…because I liked him and I couldn’t stop.

“No,” I answered Ry. “No, it was before I met him.”

Ry nodded and he actually let out a breath that sounded like relief, which made absolutely no sense whatsoever, but I didn’t comment on it.

“So,” he said, and he paused, frowning. “You’re _actually_ queer?”

I frowned, turning away from him when he said that. “Fuck you, Ry,” I sighed, shaking my head. “I’m…I don’t know.” I wasn’t sure what I meant by that, I just couldn’t say yes. I hated the word—queer. Ry had used it as an insult so many times and I wasn’t about to just…say, ‘yeah, I am’.

“But you do,” he shot back, suddenly raising his voice. “You do know. You’re queer and you knew ‘a long time ago’ and you never fucking said anything.”

“What?” I asked, whipping back around to face him.

“I’ve slept in your bed,” he went on as if he hadn’t heard me. “A lot. You and me, we were close and I slept in your bed with you and...”

“So?” I snapped, not liking where he was going. “Fuck you, Ryan, I _never_ —,”

“I know,” he interrupted and he actually looked apologetic. “I know you didn’t, but you should have _said_ something.”

That pissed me off. I’m not sure why, but I think I hated him for saying that. I should have told _him_? I couldn’t even tell _myself_ half the time and _he’d_ always made his opinion of ‘fags’ perfectly clear.

“Why?” I snapped, glaring at him with all the anger I had in me. “Why should I have told _you_? So, we could have done _this_ sooner? Because this is just so much fucking fun, right? I should have been eager to lose all my friends and have _you_ hate me, right? Christ, you can be so fucking stupid, Ryan. This…” I paused, waving my hand between the two of us. “I didn’t want this. And I _tried_ to make it stop.” I took a deep breath, closing my eyes, trying to find the words. “I couldn’t and I hated…I think I hated _me_. Because of _you_. You and my fucking father and…everyone. You’re my best friend, Ryan. I…I just didn’t want this.”

I was out of breath when I finished and…I was also standing a lot closer to Ryan than I had been when I started. I didn’t remember doing it, but I’d apparently walked all the way around the table to Ryan’s side and I was standing right in front of him.

He was just…staring at me, eyes wide, opening and closing his mouth like he really didn’t know how to respond. I couldn’t blame him.

“Fuck,” I said, turning away from him. I took off my gloves. “I’m leaving,” I announced, walking toward the door of the room. “I’ll call Sh…someone for a ride.”

“Jake, wait,” Ryan said, voice firm, and it surprised me, how calm he sounded. It was enough to stop me and I turned back around to face him.

It took him a second to say anything. He just stood there frowning and chewing his lower lip, and he wouldn’t look at me.

“What?” I prompted and maybe I shouldn’t have been pushing, but I wanted to get out of there. I didn’t want to be around him anymore and as much as I’d wanted an answer earlier, I wasn’t sure I could handle having an answer if he was going to tell me to stay the fuck away from him.

“Nobody hates you,” he said it like the words were painful. “I don’t know _how_ to fucking _hate_ you, asshole.”

And…it wasn’t much. He was still pissed at me and I wasn’t sure _anything_ was fixed, but as soon as he said the words, all the tension and anger and frustration I’d been feeling only a second earlier was just…gone. And I took a step back toward him intending to stay until we…fixed things but he shook his head, raising a hand to stop me.

“Leave,” he said and I actually flinched. He was confusing the shit out of me.

“What?” I asked, throwing my hands up in front of me. “You just said…”

“I don’t think…” he paused, frowning at himself, before he shook his head and looked directly at me. “I _don’t_ hate you, Jake, but I don’t want to be around you for awhile. I need to…figure some shit out. If you’re really queer…or whatever…I need to… I don’t know, dude, I just need you gone for right now. Away from me.”

He was all the way across the room. Way too far away to make any sort of contact with me, but I felt like he’d just punched me in the chest.

“What,” I started, hating the way my voice broke. I cleared my throat, trying to shake it off. “What is that supposed to mean? Are we…we were best friends, Ry…are we just… _not_ anymore.”

He shrugged stepping up to the table and started sorting again. Black. Black. Yellow. Black. Red. It was awhile before he said anything.

“You’re…” he took a deep breath. “You’re still my best friend. You’re all I’ve got…except Chlo, and she’s different. You just need to stay the fuck away from me for awhile or I don’t know if we’ll stay that way. I just…I don’t know,” he sighed and turned around to grab another black plastic bag from along the back wall.

I don’t know. I was so fucking tired of those words, it’s not even funny. And ‘stay the fuck away’ from him? I wondered if there was any way I could take those words that wasn’t offensive.

“You’re the one that brought me here,” I pointed out, frowning as I tried to work through what he had just said and what it all meant.

“Yeah, well, now I want you to leave,” he said, shrugging. It was on the tip of my tongue to argue with him. To tell him ‘no’. I didn’t want to leave; it didn’t feel like we were finished yet. I didn’t feel like any of my questions were answered and the only answers I got from Ryan contradicted each other, but I didn’t argue. As much as I wanted to stay and finish, it all felt like a little too much. I actually felt drained, which was weird, considering all we really did was talk.

“Fine,” I said finally, though Ryan was back to acting like I wasn’t even there anyway. “Later, Ry.”

I left, pulling my cell phone out of my pocket as I did. The guy in the coveralls that greeted me when I walked in, looked over at me, smile still in place, but I ignored him and went around to the front of the building to make my call there.

Shane didn’t sound at all happy with me when he answered and I thought I might have actually heard him growl when I refused to tell him anything. And he hung up on me when I told him I’d be calling my dad for a ride. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to see him, I just wasn’t sure I could handle it yet.

I sat on the curb of the sidewalk in front of the building to wait for my dad, elbows on my knees, and head in my hands. I don’t think I was upset, not really. I think I was just tired. Exhausted. Beyond that, I wasn’t sure what to feel. I felt like Ryan had told me exactly what I wanted to hear and exactly what I _didn’t_ want to hear at the same time. I didn’t know how to take it.

And…I don’t think I really believed it. That he didn’t hate me. That I was still his best friend. The words were comforting, but the way he practically had to force them out made me wonder if he’d be saying the same thing when tomorrow came. Maybe I was just being paranoid. I spent so long believing that everyone _would_ hate me if they ever found out, it was hard to accept the fact that they didn’t. Hell, I still felt nervous having Chlo know my secret and she wasn’t treating me any different.

It was just…a lot. I didn’t know if I could deal and I tried to just…block out the bad in what Ryan said. The disgusted tone he still had when he spoke to me and the way he looked slightly sick when he looked at me. I wanted to block all of that out and cling to the fact that he said he didn’t hate me. He said…he wanted time. Not in those exact words, but that’s what it amounted to.

I should have been grateful for that. I should have been grateful that he hadn’t told me to stay away for good, but I couldn’t. It all made me feel a little helpless. I just wanted to fix things and get them back to the way they were between me and Ry and I didn’t know how I was supposed to do that if I just ‘stayed the fuck away’ from him. It made me feel like I was giving up and I didn’t want to do that yet.

I told myself it was only temporary…to calm myself down, or whatever, but that didn’t really work. Ry wanted me to stay away for ‘awhile’. I wondered how long ‘awhile’ lasted. I was pretty much obsessing about it by the time my father arrived to pick me up and he actually had to honk to get my attention.

“What are you doing here?” my dad asked when I climbed into the car. “Where’s your mom?”

I hadn’t really made it a secret how much I hated Impossible Dream and my mom made it a point to take me there whenever she went anyway. He knew I’d never go if she hadn’t forced me.

“I didn’t come with mom,” I said and he raised an inquisitive eyebrow at me so I shrugged and added, “Ry has his community service here, remember?”

Dad sort of lifted his chin and hummed noncommittally as he put the car in gear and stepped on the gas. It wasn’t something we talked about—Ryan’s community service. Or rather, we didn’t talk about the ‘why’ Ryan had community service, or the fact that Ryan was guilty of every last thing that got him put there.

I hadn’t thought about it in forever, but it seemed appropriate that I should be thinking about it now. Ryan had told me to stay away from him the night he got in trouble too. But I hadn’t listened then.

He was pissed. His dad, ever practical, had donated most of Ry’s mom’s belongings and Ryan was furious. He tore into his dad while I sat in his bedroom. I heard every word without even trying and when Ryan came back into his room to grab his baseball bat, I didn’t even flinch, but I followed him when he left the room with it. He told me to back the fuck off and I didn’t. I watched him.

No, he didn’t hit his father with the bat, he’s not that kind of guy, but what he did do, made even less sense. Well…actually, I got it. I knew why he was doing it, but to this day, Chloe still thinks it was pointless and immature. We ignore her every time she brings it up.

He smashed out the windows in his dad’s car. All four of them and when they were gone, he just kept going, bashing the bat against the side of the vehicle over and over. I watched. Mr. Lucas watched. And neither of us did anything. Neither of us tried to stop him.

When he was done, he walked back into the house, took his dad’s keys and got into the car, not thinking twice about the glass all over the seat. I didn’t think twice before I got in with him.

I didn’t say anything. I just watched him as he drove and he didn’t say anything either. And when we pulled up in front of Impossible Dream, I didn’t need to ask why we were there, but I was _finally_ worried.

“This is just…a really bad idea, Ryan,” I had tried, shaking my head, eyes wide. “We can come back tomorrow, when it’s open and we’ll pay to get it back.”

But I don’t think he heard me. He got out of the car without even looking at me, bat in hand.

I just waited. I’ve had so many people tell me I should have at least tried to stop him—that I would have if I cared about him—but it’s all bullshit.

When Ryan came back out, he didn’t have the baseball bat anymore. He didn’t have anything, which surprised me because I thought we were there to get his mom’s stuff back.

But he only took one thing. A cheap, frayed, braided necklace with an old coin with a hole in it on it.

“You should leave,” he said, when he got back out and he was…calm. Relaxed. “My dad will have called the cops.” He handed me the necklace. “I fucked things up in there pretty bad.”

I told him I wasn’t going anywhere, and we argued about it until he took the necklace back and hid it in his dad’s car. And when the cops got there, he told them I was just along for the ride. I still got in trouble; they didn’t buy that shit. Not until Ryan’s dad jumped in at the police station and explained. He got me out of trouble, and he said he wasn’t worried about his car, he was worried about Ry. But that didn’t do anything to help Ryan get out of trouble for what he did at Impossible Dream. ‘I fucked things up in there pretty bad’ meant he tore the place apart looking for that cheap ass necklace.

He was on house arrest for that for two months, he’s still on probation, and he’s still working off his community service hours.

My dad was _not_ happy about having to pick me up from a police station and when he got the story from one of the police officers, I think he wanted to blame Ryan for it. If I had gotten into any trouble, I’m pretty sure he _would_ have tried to blame Ryan for it. As it is, he just doesn’t like to talk about any of it and he still doesn’t know _why_ Ryan decided to break into a second hand store in the middle of the night just to break shit. I never told him. Ry never said anything.

And…I think part of the reason I don’t like Mr. Lucas is because he lets people believe that Ry is just a fucked up kid. _He_ never said anything either.

I don’t think my dad hated Ryan for it or anything. I think he was just disappointed in both of us.

“Your mom won’t be home until late tonight,” my dad said as he pulled onto our street. “So, I’m ordering Chinese. Sweet and sour chicken, right?”

I nodded, looking out my window distractedly. “Yeah, whatever,” I said.

“Your friends can stay if they haven’t eaten yet,” he added and then I looked at him.

“Huh?” I asked brilliantly.

“Your friends,” my dad repeated, nodding toward the front porch as we pulled into our driveway, where Chloe and Shane were sitting on my porch steps. I hadn’t thought I’d want to see them. I figured I’d want to be alone for awhile to get my head straight, but I was actually relieved to see them there. “Let them know they’re welcome to stay for dinner.”

“Right,” I said, opening my car door before we’d fully stopped. “Thanks, dad.” I took off before he could say anything else.

“What are you doing here?” I asked everyone on my porch. I hadn’t meant for it to come out like I was pissed—though I was a little, at Shane. I was just a little surprised.

Shane shrugged, but he didn’t answer, looking past me as my dad walked up.

“Hey, Mr. Taylor,” Chloe said, smiling. It’d taken her awhile but she was finally comfortable being around my parents again after that lie that she and Ry had tried and failed to tell them when I went missing after my date with Tracy.

“Chloe,” my dad nodded at her and then looked at me, expectantly. I sort of raised an eyebrow, wondering what the hell he was looking at me for, but Chloe got it, apparently.

“Shane’s on the swim team with Jake,” she said, rolling her eyes at me and pointing at him.

My dad just nodded at Shane and let him know he was welcome to stay for dinner. He didn’t have to say anything to Chloe. She and Ry were always welcome. Some days, my parents even asked why they _weren’t_ there.

As soon as my dad closed the door, I had my arms full of Chloe…for the third time in two days. The hugging thing was getting seriously disturbing.

“Christ, Chlo,” I said, prying her off me. She rolled her eyes and back handed me in the arm, which was comforting in a weird way.

“Shut up,” she said, sitting back down next to Shane and my attention shifted to him.

I expected to be mad at him. I’d planned on snapping on him first chance I got after what he’d pulled in the parking lot. He’d only made it worse when he sounded angry on the phone, but…he didn’t look angry at all sitting on my porch. He looked worried and…a little nervous. It was a strange look for him, I was sure I’d never seen Shane remotely nervous before. It was hard to be mad at him when he looked like that.

And…I wasn’t sure I _wanted_ to be mad at him anymore. It’d been a long day—a really long day, and I felt drained the second I saw him. Like all the tension I’d been feeling all day was just _gone_ and I wanted nothing more than to drag him up to my room and collapse onto my bed with him.

I wanted that feeling—the one I got whenever he touched me—the one that made it almost impossible not to sigh and just…relax. I wanted it back.

I cleared my throat; dropping down onto the step below the one Shane was sitting on. “Hey,” I said, mostly because I had a whole speech planned to bitch him out, but now that I wasn’t going to use it, I was at a loss for what to say.

He smiled. “Hey,” he returned quietly.

Chloe rolled her eyes, snorting. “That,” she said, pointing between the two of us, “was pathetic.”

“Bite me, Chlo,” I said tiredly, leaning my head against the railing of the porch.

“No thanks,” she shot back, grinning. “But _you_ can tell me what happened with you and Ry. Shane said he looked pretty pissed when you took off with him.”

I frowned at Shane, but it was mostly on instinct. I still wasn’t used to Chloe knowing and I was kind of bitter that he told her, giving me one more person I was going to have to talk to about it.

“Ask Ry, Chlo,” the words came unbidden and I hadn’t realized I’d said them until they were out. I actually nodded to myself because I liked that plan. Let Ry explain it to her. She wasn’t going to be happy about any of it, and it was his fault, so I figured it was his job to deal with it. Besides, I…didn’t want to talk about it yet. To anyone.

I should have known Chloe wouldn’t accept that answer though. “I will,” she said. “But I’m asking you too. The stories are bound to be different.”

“I don’t care,” I shot back. I knew that insane ‘fondness’ I was feeling for her would go away. “I don’t want to talk about it, Chlo.”

Chloe glared at me, but her look softened when I didn’t glare back…or whatever she was expecting.

“Sorry,” she said genuinely, and for a minute, I was afraid she was going to hug me again. “I won’t bug you about it…until after I talk to Ry.”

“He’s only doing two hours today,” I informed her, because I sort of felt a little bad for being short with her when she was actually still speaking to me and not treating me any different for the most part.

“I know,” she said, sighing. “But he’s going to stay and wait for Colin to finish. He usually does on Thursdays. I thought he’d skip it today but…whatever, he’s an ass.”

That got my attention. I had no idea Colin had community service.

“What?” I asked, frowning. It wasn’t that I really cared, I didn’t even like Colin. It just seemed like something I should know. I’d always wondered why Colin and Ry started hanging out. I knew they didn’t meet at the school and as far as I knew, Colin’s family spent every other waking minute at the church they went to. His mom was the Choir director and she ran the church group that my mother had just joined. But that didn’t mean it was at all surprising to find out that Colin had done something to get in trouble. Colin was in trouble every other day even if his mom was some kind of saint.

“What’d he do?” I asked Chloe, genuinely curious, but it was Shane that answered my question.

“He didn’t do anything. He’s not required to go, his mom makes him.”

“ _What?_ ” I asked again, this time looking at Shane. “I didn’t know you were friends with Colin.”

“I’m not,” Shane said, shrugging and looking away from Chloe and me. “He… goes to the same church that my family does.”

I raised an eyebrow at Shane, wanting more of an explanation, but it was pretty obvious I wasn’t going to get one. His family goes to the same church as Colin? How does that explain how Shane knows anything about him? I _knew_ Colin, I saw him everyday, and even I didn’t know that.

“Uhm, _okay_ ,” Chloe said slowly, staring at Shane with the same bemused look I’m sure I was wearing. “It doesn’t matter. I’ve gotta go home and help my mom set up the new changing table she got for the baby and I probably won’t be done until Ry gets back anyway.”

“Do you need any help?” I asked when she stood up. I was exhausted, but I was pretty sure there’d be some kind of baked goods involved if Shane and I went over to help. There always was.

“Nah,” Chloe said, kicking my foot, gently. “I’ll just…see you later,” she added looking between me and Shane and it dawned on me that she probably didn’t really have to go at all. She was making excuses to leave me alone with Shane. I wanted to object to that right away. I mean, yeah, I wanted to be…time or whatever with Shane, but I wanted to hang with Chloe too. If Ryan and I weren’t okay, she was pretty much the only friend I had left and I didn’t want to blow that. It just…felt important, that she stay.

“Chlo, wait,” I said, standing up. I grabbed her arm to pull her back. “Blow it off,” I told her, but only because I knew she was lying. I’d never _really_ tell her to blow her mom off; she’d have my balls for that.

She raised an eyebrow at me, smiling slightly. “What?” she asked.

“The changing table,” I said, pulling her back toward the porch. “Blow it off and watch a movie or something with us.”

She looked like she was going to say no, so I added. “My dad’s getting Chinese. I’ll make sure you get all the fortune cookies.”

“Hey,” Shane cut in, sounding offended. “I _like_ fortune cookies. It’s not worth it without the cookie. I’m keeping mine.”

I rolled my eyes and corrected myself. “You can have all the fortune cookies…except one.”

Shane grinned, looking pleased with himself.

Chloe raised an eyebrow. “With milk?”

“Whatever, freak,” I said, pulling her toward the house. “I’ll let you pick the movie, too… but only because Shane and I never get anywhere when we try.”

Chloe rolled her eyes and she actually held out a little while longer, but it was obvious that she was only doing it to see how much she could get out of it. Shane was the one that ended up getting fed up with the game and asked if we’d shut up if he offered her a kidney and Chloe actually hit _him_. I wasn’t used to her abusing people that weren’t me, but I finally understood why Ryan was always laughing. Shane stared at his arm where she hit him with an unbelievably shocked look on his face—like he couldn’t believe it actually hurt.

I couldn’t blame him. Someone as scrawny as Chloe shouldn’t be able to inflict that kind of damage.

Chloe was no better at picking a movie by herself than Shane and I were at agreeing on one and we didn’t get around to sitting down to watch anything until after dinner…and even then, it was my dad that grabbed a random movie off the shelf and told us to get upstairs and shut the hell up. He was smiling when he said it though, so we weren’t too worried about it.

“I’m _bad_ with decisions,” Chloe said as the three of us walked up the stairs to my room. “It takes me thirty minutes to decide what candy bar I want from the gas station.”

“You hate chocolate,” I informed her, laughing at the troubled look she had on her face. Shane grabbed a piece of popcorn out of the bowl I was holding and tossed it at me, grinning. He’d been doing that all through dinner. Whenever I stopped looking at him for too long he’d nudge me or do something similar to get my attention long enough to smile at me. I have no idea why I liked it so much.

“Yeah,” Chloe replied, sighing. “You know that…and I know that, but it takes me thirty minutes to decide I’m not going to change my mind about it and that I definitely want skittles. I _know_ I want skittles when I walk into the store but…” she shook her head, staring down at the movie my dad had given her. “And I _knew_ I wanted to watch _American History X_ …” she sighed again. “And now we’re stuck with _Cats Don’t Dance_? Why do you even have this movie?”

Shane laughed, nudging me with his shoulder. “Good question,” he agreed raising an eyebrow at me.

I shrugged, but only because I couldn’t decide which one of them I wanted to push down the stairs. “It’s not _my_ fault Chloe couldn’t make up her mind. And, for the record, I don’t buy the movies. My mom does.”

“Right,” Shane snorted as we reached my room.

“We don’t _have_ to watch it,” I informed them, switching on my light. “My dad was _kidding_ , we can watch something else.”

Neither of them wanted to go down and get a different movie, so we popped Cats Don’t Dance into the DVD player for the sake of having something to make fun of and throw popcorn at whenever there was a break in conversation.

It was definitely cool, just sitting there, talking to them both. It was easy…much easier than I thought it would be. I still felt a little awkward having both Chlo and Shane around at the same time, knowing that she knew. I ended up sitting as far away from him as I possibly could without falling off my bed. It was just…weird having someone know about me. I was fucking paranoid every time Shane made contact with me, even though Chloe definitely wasn’t making a big deal. She wasn’t even mentioning it. I was being a spaz and I knew it. I just couldn’t help it.

And…having her know wasn’t the only thing that was…off. I liked Shane. A lot. It’s almost pathetic how much I liked him when I barely even knew him, but I did. And not just because kissing him made me feel like my skin was vibrating or because he was just ridiculously …well…hot. He was cool to be around. Funny. Laid back. He made _me_ feel good with the way he was constantly shooting these secretive little glances my way when Chloe wasn’t looking. It made me nervous, but it was definitely a ‘good’ kind of nervous. I just…I liked him. I was way past denying it.

But, even though I was having a good time, I couldn’t help but feel guilty whenever I thought of Ry, which unfortunately happened every other minute. It didn’t feel right, having fun without him—when I _knew_ he definitely wasn’t having any fun. It sucked and even if part of me felt like I should be pissed at him, I just _couldn’t_. It felt wrong that I should have Shane and Chloe with me, while he just had Colin.

I wanted him there. Because, yeah, I liked Shane. I liked him way more than I thought possible, but he wasn’t _Ry_. I wasn’t used to hanging out with friends and not having Ryan around and I found myself looking around for him whenever I said something I thought was clever just to see if he was laughing.

It just…sucked, no matter how much fun I was having and I was almost grateful when Chloe apologized to me and said she was going to leave and go see if Ry was finally home. It’s stupid and pathetic and I wanted to be pissed at him for ruining things, but I couldn’t be. Mostly, I just wanted my best friend back.

No, I didn’t give a shit how lame that was. Not that I was about to go broadcasting that little fact. Just…I really did wish I could _fix_ it somehow.

I got up to lock the door after Chloe left just as Shane was moving closer to me, but I was back before the frown could fully form on his face.

“Sorry,” I said, collapsing back onto the bed, and stretching out on my back, alongside him. “I just don’t really need anymore…surprises.”

“Yeah,” Shane snorted, shaking his head. His tone was almost bitter.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, sitting up to meet his eyes. I didn’t want to fight with him, but seriously, it’s not like it was _my_ fault…or maybe it was, but it’s not like I’d almost kissed Ryan on purpose. He was the last person I wanted to know.

“Nothing,” Shane responded, putting his hands behind his head to lay on them. “I was just agreeing with you. All of this shit…it sucks. I didn’t think we’d have to deal with stuff like this until later.”

For me, it sucked, but I didn’t see where he got off being upset about it. As far as I could tell, _I_ was the only one ‘dealing’ with anything. The most he had to deal with was hearing about it and he wouldn’t even have to deal with that if he wasn’t always hassling me to talk about it. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“If you’ve got something to say…” I started, but he interrupted me, sighing as he sat up to meet my eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said, genuinely, reaching out to drop a hand on my knee. “I didn’t mean that like it came out. It’s not that I don’t care—because I _do_. I’m just sorry it’s happening. I meant—you and me,” he paused to grin at me. “We were just starting. And then all this shit happened and its like…someone pressed pause right at the best part of an awesome movie and told us we had to get through this first. Or… _no_ I don’t mean it like that, either, I just…” he sighed. “It was just getting good. You finally stopped freaking out every time I got close and we talked about it and…I thought it was going to get better and now…”

“Shane,” I snapped, interrupting him, but I smiled. At least, I tried to. “I think…I think I get it.”

“Yeah?” he said and he had the nerve to look shocked. “Good.” He lay back down, grabbing my shirt as he pulled me down with him. “So, are you going to tell me about it?”

“No,” I said frowning. “I don’t want to talk about Ryan.”

“You never do,” Shane said, laughing softly. “But tell me anyway.”

I glared at him, but he wouldn’t budge and he just stared back at me, challenging. I sighed. “He told me to stay the fuck away,” I said, quickly. “For now, he wants me to keep away from him. But I’m still his best friend. He doesn’t hate me or anything.”

Shane raised an eyebrow and I hated the smile he was holding back. “Then why are you pouting?” he asked, looking amused. “None of that sounds exactly…bad.”

“That’s because none of it makes sense,” I told him, flatly. “’I don’t hate you. Now get the fuck away from me’? It’s bipolar.”

“You’re bipolar,” Shane countered smiling at me. “But we’re not talking about your mood swings, right now. He asks for space and you throw a fit about it? It could be a lot worse. Trust me.”

“People don’t ask for space in real life. And I’m not throwing a fit. I also _don’t_ pout,” I said, mid pout. “Fuck you. And I…”

It’s hard to speak when someone kisses you, but I wasn’t going to complain. Shane’s lips always had this uncanny ability to send paralyzing shivers up and down my spine and he slipped his tongue into my mouth almost immediately, his hand gripping the back of my head, fingers pressed hard against my scalp. If I had any words planned at all they were lost in the involuntary groan I let out against his lips.

“I like it when you pout,” Shane said softly, pulling away, but just barely. “You do this thing where you frown and your lips get sort of—,”

“I don’t pout,” I insisted, mindlessly leaning back into kiss him. “Stop talking.”

Shane laughed against my lips, mumbling something that sounded a lot like ‘yes, you do’ but I only pressed my lips harder against his, _trying_ to ignore him.

He wouldn’t let me.

“Haven’t you had kind of a _long_ day,” he said, raising an eyebrow and smirking at me. He does it on purpose. He kisses me just enough to get me into it and he pulls away just to torture me. Or something.

I glared. “Yeah,” I said, fisting my hand in the front of his shirt. “And now, I want to have a long _night_.”

I’d planned to pull him back in after I spoke, but the words that came out of my mouth definitely weren’t the ones I thought I was going to say and I actually let go of him, thoroughly shocked. It amazes me, how detached my mouth sometimes is from my brain.

“ _What?_ ” Shane asked, eyes widening as he burst into a fit of _totally unnecessary_ laughter.

“Nothing,” I said, shaking my head as I moved away from him. “That was—I didn’t—will you stop fucking laughing?”

He laughed harder.

“You know…I really don’t like you,” I said, decisively.

“Yeah, you do,” he snorted, but he wasn’t laughing quite as loud anymore. “You just wish you didn’t.”

I think it was the way he said it—completely serious and almost disappointed…sad—that made me pay attention to that last sentence. And I cringed because it was true. Or…it had been at one point. I hadn’t wanted to like him for the longest time. I felt like my life was falling apart and not that long ago, that would have had me running from Shane as fast as my legs would carry me. I couldn’t figure out when that changed. When I’d gone from snapping at Shane for even looking at me for too long to actually taking comfort in his touch. When I’d gone from being terrified he’d kiss me to seeking him out just to taste him. I wasn’t sure when it happened—when I changed, but I had. I was still having trouble accepting a few things…like myself and I was pretty sure I still didn’t want to be gay, but I did want Shane. I didn’t wish I didn’t like him, anymore.

“No, I don’t,” I told him aloud and he raised a skeptical eyebrow at me. “I don’t,” I insisted pulling him close again. “Not anymore.”

He stared at me for a second, eyes turning serious as he studied me. It still put me on edge to be looked at so carefully, but I didn’t mind the feeling so much anymore. It was intense, but I could deal with it.

“Good,” Shane said, softly, dropping his hand flat against my chest and sliding it up behind my neck. “It was definitely annoying.”

My response—a heartfelt ‘fuck off’ was muffled when he leaned in again to press his lips against mine. I hated being interrupted, but if he _had_ to do it, I decided I liked it much better when he did it with a kiss.

Besides, I’m pretty sure he heard me anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I’ve gone through whole days at school without ever once seeing Ryan _anywhere_ but fifth period study hall, last period English, and lunch period. Not because we ever really avoided each other, it just happened that way.

I’ve always said that the entire world is out to get me but I don’t think I ever really believed it until I went to school Friday morning and found I couldn’t get away from Ryan Lucas. My possibly former best friend. Or whatever.

He was every fucking where. Half the times I saw him, I was sure it shouldn’t have even been possible. I walked away from him after I ran into him after third period and I swear, I turned the corner and ran into the fucker again. Or…maybe it didn’t happen quite like that, but that’s what it felt like. The one day I didn’t want to see him, I couldn’t get away from him.

It didn’t help matters any that he noticed me every single time and glared at me like I was doing it on purpose.

Seriously, he didn’t hate me? He had a weird way of showing it. Like it was such a fucking inconvenience to have to see me. It’s not like I tried talking to him, or anything, but I swear, you’d think the sight of me alone was enough to make him sick.

I don’t know what I expected, but it definitely wasn’t the way he was acting. I hadn’t expected him to be nice to me or anything; we were ‘staying away’ from each other. I just hadn’t expected him to be cruel either.

But that’s not the worst part. The worst part comes at fifth period study hall. Our school is like a prison. ‘Study hall’ for every other school in the district meant you could go home and get some rest for an hour before you had to come back. At my school, we couldn’t leave our study halls without a pass and, the only place we could actually get a pass to was the library, where we had to sign in.

But none of that is the point.

The point is that I ended up sitting next to Ryan for the entire hour, pretending that the equation on Mrs. Thurston’s blackboard was the most interesting thing in the world. And not because there’s assigned seating or anything. It was a full class and everyone in it assumed that Ry and I would sit together. I got to the class first and took a seat on the opposite side of the classroom, far away from where Ry and I usually sat. And a few times, someone came in and _almost_ sat down in the chair next to me, but they always apologized—yeah, apologized—and walked off to sit elsewhere.

And when Ryan walked in to find that the only desk left was the one next to me, I swear, I could hear him grit his teeth clear across the room. I couldn’t blame him, but it didn’t stop the burning and twisting thing my stomach was doing. I wondered if I was too young to get an ulcer.

I didn’t think my day could actually get any worse than that and…it didn’t for the most part. I sat with Reid Lettiere, a kid I hadn’t spoken to since I was fourteen at lunch because Ryan looked like he might actually flip if I even thought about sitting with him and when I moved toward Shane, his glare only got worse. Reid was the closest person I could find whose name I actually knew, so after saying hi to Shane and Caydence, I sat down with him.

It wasn’t entirely unbearable if you didn’t count the way I could _feel_ Chloe, Ry, Shane, and even Caydence watching me the entire time I ate. Reid, at least, wasn’t the talkative type. And he didn’t ask me any questions beyond ‘you gonna drink that?’ He didn’t say anything else through the rest of lunch. More people should be like Reid.

By last period English, I was ready to give up. Not on school, on _Ryan_. He said he didn’t hate me, or whatever, but people change their minds all the time. I’ve had people tell me they hated me before, but never once have I actually _felt_ it. Ryan made me feel it that day. It didn’t matter that he _said_ he didn’t hate me; he was acting like he did. And when he shoved me aside as he entered last period, something twisted in my chest and then in my stomach and I actually felt my eyes sting. And just so we’re clear; _no_ he didn’t push me _that_ hard.

I don’t like crying, I don’t think anyone does, but right then, for the first time in forever, I felt like I might not be able to hold it back. I did hold the tears back, but only because I’ve developed a really effective solution to the crying issue. Actually, I didn’t really ‘develop’ anything, it sort of happens on its own, thank God. Something ‘clicks’ into place and instead of crying in front of half my English class, I grabbed Ry by the back of his shirt and yanked him back, but only to get him close enough to be able to effectively shove his ass into the teachers desk.

Mrs. Carmichael actually screamed and put her hand to her chest, looking at me like I’d lost my mind. I think it was shock that kept her from reacting.

I was so busy watching her that I didn’t notice Ryan get up until he was right in front of me and I almost tripped over my feet trying to back away from him.

“What the fuck?” Ryan said, his voice low and almost _calm_ despite the fact that his fists were clenched at his sides and his face was flushed angrily. “What’s your problem, _Jacob_?”

I didn’t back down. Which is strange because I definitely didn’t want to make things worse, but he pissed me off. I _couldn’t_ back down even if I _knew_ I was probably digging myself deeper into that little hole I seemed to live in lately. He was the one being unreasonable, not me and there’s really only so much I can take.

“ _You_ are my problem,” I snapped and turned on my heel to leave the classroom before Mrs. Carmichael recovered enough to send me to see Snider. We had a swim meet after school that day and I figured if I left before she could do anything, I wouldn’t spend the meet dry.

I was practically seething by the time I got out of the school building and it was a good thing no one would be at my house when I got there, because it definitely wasn’t the time for me to be around _anyone_ …which is probably why I almost shoved Caydence right off her feet when she tapped my shoulder and scared the shit out of me.

“Jesus,” I said. I didn’t even try to look apologetic, but I did tell her I was sorry.

“I have a car,” she informed me, like I didn’t know. “It has gas too.”

I closed my eyes for a second to calm myself down. “That’s…nice, Caydence; good for you.”

“I’m driving you home,” she said, and I immediately objected. I needed to walk. I needed to blow off some steam or something and the thought of being cooped up in a car wasn’t all that appealing at the moment.

“No, thanks,” I said, not bothering to try and be nice to her at all. “I’m fine. Just back off.”

She didn’t seem fazed. “Okay,” she said, picking up her pace to pass me. “I’ll just meet you at your house.”

“Ok—wait, what?” I stopped walking to glare at her, but I had to start walking again, because Caydence isn’t like normal people that would have caught the hint and turned around to talk to me.

“Shane’s still in class,” she informed me. “He’d have followed you, but he doesn’t know. So, I’m gonna be Shane today. I’m pretty excited about it. He has great skin.”

“Caydence,” I sighed. Normally, just being around her craziness made me feel better, but right then, I just wanted her to leave me alone to sulk.

“I’ll see you at your house,” she repeated as she pulled her keys out of her purse. “And I’ll even take you to your swim meet later. I’m taking Shane.”

“Whatever,” I said and I turned away to walk home, ignoring her when she waved as she drove by. It’s insane, but I thought of Reid right then and how _he_ probably would have left me alone when I told him to. He probably wouldn’t have followed me out of the classroom in the first place. Actually, I was sure he wouldn’t have.

More people should be like Reid.


	12. Chapter 12

“Crickets! That’s _it_. Did you know they’re supposed to be good luck? In some places, it’s said that if you hear a cricket’s song, you’ll be blessed.”

I gaped at Caydence without a clue as to how to respond to that. I guess there wasn’t really anything wrong with what she said. Shane was always giving me random facts, but the way Caydence said it, you’d think that we’d actually just seen a cricket or that we’d been in the middle of a conversation about insects. We weren’t. I’d just finished apologizing for being a dick. I’d calmed down on my way home, and I felt like I owed it to her. I told her I was sorry, that I was having a bad day, and asked her if she’d please leave.

And that was how she responded. With the cricket thing. Lunatic.

“Okay,” I said slowly and I actually took a step away from her. “About you leaving…”

“No,” she said, grabbing my wrist and dragging me through _my_ house, like she’d been there a million times before and could find her way through with her eyes closed. “We have to find a cricket first and make it sing.”

“What?” I asked, frowning at her, getting more frustrated by the second. Normally, I probably would have welcomed her company. Caydence had this amazing ability to say something completely out of left field and sound so serious about it that it was all I could think about and I’d forget whatever other bullshit that was cluttering up my mind.

But she couldn’t make me forget Ryan and really…she was annoying the shit out of me with her distractions.

“We have to find a cricket,” she repeated, answering my question as she dragged me through my kitchen and out the back door. “You’re having a bad day, right? So, all we need is a cricket. They’re good luck remember? I figure you could use it.”

She wasn’t lying. I mean, _no_ , I didn’t believe crickets were actually good luck or that their songs could offer me any type of blessing. But…I did need luck…the good kind. And a ‘blessing’ or whatever definitely wouldn’t hurt. She was right about that.

But I wasn’t about to go looking for a cricket in my back yard to, like, rub it’s belly and hope that it made Ryan get over the bullshit and stop being an ass.

“Caydence,” I said, as she fell to her knees in my back yard, with a business-like look on her face. “Get up, this is ridiculous.”

“Yeah?” she asked, running her fingers through my grass like she was actually going to find something. “Well so is sitting around and feeling sorry for yourself when you could be doing something to fix things.”

I think it was the first time that I’d ever heard Caydence say something…normal. It shocked me into silence for a minute…until I went over what she said and I was pissed off all over again.

“What exactly am I supposed to do?” I snapped at her, stepping forward and crouching in front of her. Attitude always works better when you get up in the other person’s face. “I already tried talking to Ryan and… there’s nothing else I can do.”

“Yes, there is,” she insisted without looking up at me. “You can help me find a cricket and help me figure out a way to make it sing. If it doesn’t work, we’ll know not to try it again.” Caydence looked up, but not at me. She stared out in front of her, looking pensive. “At least this way, you’re doing something about it. Even if it doesn’t work, at least you’re trying, right? It’s better than sitting around feeling helplessly sorry for yourself.”

Prolonged exposure to Caydence Martell is a dangerous thing. All of her nonsense was starting to make some weird sort of sense. I’d hated Ryan’s ‘time away’ plan because it made me feel like I was giving up. I hated not _doing_ anything. Cricket hunting—insane and pointless as it was—was _something_ at least.

I dropped to my knees with a resigned sigh, ignoring the triumphant grin Caydence shot me. “How are we supposed to make it sing… if we even find one?” I asked, still feeling a little ridiculous about the whole thing.

“Torture?” Caydence said shrugging. “But no, that would probably bring bad luck. Also, it seems rude. I don’t know. The crickets are always singing in the park behind my house. I say we just find one and wait for it to start singing.”

It was better than anything I could come up with, so I shrugged and went to it. I didn’t know what the hell I was doing and I still felt a little ridiculous about the whole thing, so I just sat there, mimicking Caydence’s every move, wondering what the chances were that we’d actually find a cricket in my backyard.

“What time do you have to be in Adams County?” Caydence asked, distractedly. “I think Shane said about five?”

“Yeah,” I muttered, as I ran my fingers over something round and smooth in the grass. It was one of those rubber bouncing balls. And it was Ryan’s. I frowned at it before tossing it over the back fence.

And then I felt guilty. It was just a stupid fucking ball but I couldn’t help it and I tried to shove the urge I had to run and go get it away. I wanted to latch onto the anger that I felt toward Ryan… badly. Being mad at him wasn’t something that I was used to but it was easier than everything else I was feeling. I just… couldn’t hold onto the anger. It was exhausting to even try.

We never really did find any crickets. Caydence found one of the buttons that popped off a shirt that was older than I was, but my dad insisted on wearing anyway and I found the red cap that I dropped the day Shane and I put the weed whacker together, but no crickets. I hadn’t expected to find any, but after looking for _one_ with Caydence for at least an hour, I did wonder where the hell they all were. I heard crickets chirping in my backyard all the time and now, when I was actually looking, I couldn’t find one. It was just…

Typical.

“We could buy a cricket,” Caydence suggested after we gave up, sitting on the ground, dusting her knees off. “We could probably find some at the pet store.”

“Why would they sell crickets,” I asked, frowning. “Who’d want a cricket for a pet?”

“Not for a pet,” Caydence clarified. “For pet food.”

I didn’t say anything, because it would have been totally lame, but I thought that was kind of fucked up. I mean, I don’t care. Not about crickets. Not…not really. At all.

Whatever.

“Come on,” I told Caydence standing up and offering her a hand. “I’ve got to get ready for the swim meet.”

The swim meet I still wasn’t sure I’d be swimming in. Not if Mrs. Carmichael told Snider about my little hit and run before last period. And there’s no way she didn’t tell him.

“Do you need help?” Caydence asked as we walked into my house. “I’m pretty good at holding things. I can also pack.”

“Pack what?” I asked, snorting. “I’ll be wearing everything I’m bringing.”

“Okay,” Caydence said, shrugging. We stepped into my living room just as the front door opened and I tensed because my parents were not supposed to be home until later and while I may have been alright being around Caydence, I definitely wasn’t alright being around them.

I got lucky, though. No thanks to any crickets.

“Chloe?” I asked as she stepped into my house. “What are you doing here?”

She didn’t answer me. She was frowning at Caydence, who was in the middle of making herself comfortable in my dad’s favorite recliner.

“What’s she doing here?” Chloe asked, fixing one of her inquisitive stares on me. And really, what the fuck? It’s not like I was doing anything wrong. Maybe Chloe didn’t mean anything by her question but I couldn’t help but feel like it was an accusation. I blame it on the shit day I was having.

“There are no crickets in Jake’s back yard,” Caydence responded to Chloe’s question, smiling serenely. I cringed. _I_ knew what she was talking about for once, but Chloe wouldn’t. And I knew what it was like to be on the receiving end of all that insanity if you weren’t used to it.

Chloe’s brows rose until they disappeared behind her bangs and she turned to give me a look that clearly said ‘is this girl for real?’

I just shrugged and said, “She’s taking me to the swim meet.”

Chloe frowned, actually looking surprised. “No, she’s not,” she countered, looking at me like I’d just said something way more insane than the cricket comment. “Ryan’s taking you. He always does.”

I snorted. She was completely serious, but I snorted, laughing at her. “Yeah, _that’s_ gonna happen. Except…no, it’s really not. Fuck Ryan.”

“Jake!” Chloe said scandalized. I swore she got lessons from my mother. No one else could say my name like that. Chloe even had that familiar disappointed look to go with it. “That’s kind of fucked up,” she added, shaking her head at me.

“ _What?_ ” I asked, exasperated. “I didn’t _do_ anything. _He_ did. I tried talking to him—more than once and I tried staying away from him, like he asked. He was still a dick. And…he…whatever. I thought you weren’t taking sides.”

“I’m not,” Chloe responded immediately, stepping closer to me. “I’m sorry; I didn’t mean to say that. It’s just…he’s your best friend. I get that he’s being an ass but you can’t just…quit. You _know_ how he is.”

“Is that supposed to make it alright?” Caydence asked, curious. I’d almost forgotten she was in the room. “Kinda like a puppy that pisses on the bed…it’s alright because you expected it anyway?”

Chloe just glared at her. “Why are you _still_ here?” she asked, all attitude.

Caydence smiled. “I don’t think I like you,” she said. “But it’s too early to tell.”

“Okay,” Chloe said, clearly annoyed at the interruption. “I don’t care. Could you give us a minute?”

Caydence shrugged, grabbing her purse as she stood up. “I’ll give you ten. Just one seems a little…ambitious. You’ve got a lot of issues.”

Chloe glared at her as she walked back into my kitchen. “I don’t like her,” Chloe said, nodding at the kitchen. “She’s a bitch. In an annoying, passive way.”

I rolled my eyes. “Whatever. Look, Chloe…I’m not doing this. I don’t want to fight with you, but I’m not riding with Ryan. I’m not speaking to Ryan. And _he_ wants it that way. If you want to bitch at someone, bitch at him. I’m _done_.”

Chloe was silent. She stood there in my living room with her arms folded across her chest, looking at me with something between understanding and disappointment. Disappointed? She wasn’t the only one.

“Jake,” she sighed, defeated. “He really _has_ been upset. I’m not saying it’s _your_ fault, I’m just saying that someone needs to do _something_. And I _have_ been talking to him. I just really think that if _you_ …”

“No, Chloe,” I said firmly. “I’m _done_.”

“Done?” Chloe asked, raising an eyebrow. “What the hell does that mean?”

“It means I can’t do this anymore,” I snapped, but I was more frustrated with the situation in general than I was with her. “I don’t know how to do this with him, you know? We don’t do this, me and him. We fight and we get over it. But now… I mean, he’s _Ry_ and he’s my best friend and now every fucking time he even…every time he looks at me…”

I let it hang. I knew how ridiculous it would sound if I continued. And I couldn’t really explain it anyway, but it really did… _hurt_ to see Ryan look at me like I made him sick. Like he really couldn’t stand me. When you’ve known someone as long as Ry and I had known each other, you’re bound to get into fights—and we _had_. But he’d never looked at me like that.

I’d tried. Even earlier that day, when I was doing everything I could to avoid Ryan—that was me trying. He wanted me to stay away and I _did_ because he was my best friend, and I didn’t want to lose him. I would have done pretty much anything to just…make it better, but none of it was working. He was pissed at me when he ran into me at school and he was pissed when I avoided him at lunch. Damned if I do, damned if I don’t.

I didn’t want to…give up or whatever, but it was definitely starting to feel like there wasn’t even a point in trying. It was like, no matter what I did, it wasn’t going to be enough. I couldn’t be straight. I tried. I failed. You were there, you know the story.

And all of the fighting I’d done… fighting myself and fighting Shane and just…everything. It was pointless, because I was losing Ryan anyway and he was damn near the only reason I’d even bothered.

I felt… sick. My stomach twisted every time I thought about Ryan…and the fact that he and I might actually not be friends anymore. The thought made my chest ache.

So, no, I didn’t want to give up. Definitely not. But I didn’t really have a choice. Ryan wouldn’t budge.

“I’m tired, Chlo,” I said, mostly because Chloe was still standing there, silently, staring at me with that look on her face, like she expected me to fix it. “He doesn’t want me around and I’m…tired of trying to make him.”

“Yeah?” Chloe said, her tone challenging. “He really doesn’t want you around?”

I shrugged. “That’s what he said. And you had to have heard what happened today.”

“Hmm,” Chloe said, lifting her chin. “Yeah, I did. I heard you two had a little cat fight. Ry shoved you, you shoved him back double hard and you _both_ acted like a couple of...”

I cut her off with a harsh glare. “Seriously?” I said, incredulously. “You really don’t think you’re taking sides? He started that whole thing and _all day_ …”

“Yeah, yeah, I get it. Whatever, I don’t care. I just…I want you both to stop acting like pussies and get over it, okay? This is stupid. Someone’s gotta do something and _neither_ of you is willing…”

“I _have_ tried. Fuck, Chloe. It’s him. He doesn’t want to see me.”

“He’s waiting outside,” she countered, shrugging one shoulder. “So, that’s bullshit. He’s being dick and we both know it. He won’t let me talk to him, so I’m talking to you—not taking sides. I got him to come over here, but he seriously won’t let me talk to him... He… doesn’t know how to deal with this, either, you know. So, cut him some slack? He’s trying—he’s doing a really bad job, but he _is_ trying, in his way. And when we get over this, I’ll help you kick his ass for being so stupid. But…let’s get over it first, okay?”

She made it seem so simple. Shane and Caydence and everyone made it seem so fucking easy but it wasn’t. I hated the idea of just sitting around and waiting to see what happened like Shane had told me to do…and it didn’t work anyway. But looking for crickets hadn’t really helped either. And Chloe’s suggestion? It was just _never_ going to work.

“I _can’t_ ,” I said, and really, I was just making excuses and I knew it. I didn’t want to face Ryan again. It seemed like things only ever ended up getting worse each time I tried talking to him. I was past just being upset… I was pissed at him. I’d definitely make things worse if I tried talking to him. Talking to Chloe, I was more upset than angry, but I knew if I got in the car with him and had to drive all the way to A-bay with him acting like I was the one that did something wrong—when I honestly didn’t think I really had—I’d snap.

“You can,” Chloe insisted. “Just let him drive you to the meet. You’ve got to go anyway, and if you ride with Caydence…are you sure she’s even sane?”

“No,” I answered honestly, shrugging. “But I don’t even know if I’ll be able to swim today, anyway. I might be benched after Mrs. Carmichael—,”

“Ry told her it was an accident,” Chloe interrupted, smirking at me. I hate her.

“There’s no way she bought that,” I said, skeptically.

Chloe laughed. “Nope. Probably not.” She shrugged. “She didn’t tell Snider, though.”

“Chlo,” I sighed. “I…not now, okay? It’ll only fuck things up more because I’m definitely still pissed at him.”

She stared at me for a long moment before she sighed and nodded. “Me too,” she said, and she attacked me with another one of those hugs that I really hoped she wasn’t making a habit of. “I’m sorry,” she continued. “I didn’t mean to like, put it all on you, but Ry seriously won’t let me talk to him about it.”

“I’ll forgive you tomorrow,” I told her, trying and failing to step out of her embrace gracefully.

“Tomorrow?” Chloe asked, with an arched brow.

I shrugged. “Suffer. You were being a bitch.”

“I can be sometimes,” Chloe snorted, shaking her head. “Jake?”

“Yeah?”

“Remember in fifth grade when I came over to your house crying because Kenny pushed me down the stairs in front of everyone at fifth grade graduation?” she asked as she backed away from me. “Remember what you said?”

“Yeah,” I nodded, grimacing. “I told you to get away, because you’re getting snot all over my favorite shirt.”

She glared. “Not that,” she said. “About Kenny, I mean.”

“Oh,” I said, and nodded again. “I asked you if you wanted me and Ry to beat him up for you.”

“Well, do you?” she asked, smiling. “Want me to beat him up for you? ‘Cause I will. I don’t think it’ll help, but…”

“Chloe,” I cut her off, returning the smile, grudgingly. “No. I’m good.”

“You sure?”

I nodded.

“Alright,” she sighed. “But… I’ll keep trying anyway. He’s being an ass but he’s gotta be okay with it eventually. He doesn’t really have a choice.” She shrugged smiling at me. “I’ll see you at the meet. I’ll even cheer for you if you promise not to embarrass yourself _too_ bad.”

“Whatever,” I snorted, shaking my head at her. She laughed and turned around to walk out, but I called her back. I didn’t really want to keep talking about anything, there was just something in what she said that caught my attention…and I _had_ to ask.

“Hey, Chlo?” I called just before she stepped out the door.

“Yeah?” she said, spinning around to face me.

“Why are _you_ okay with it? You know, with…” I still couldn’t fucking say it. Not on purpose. “I mean,” I lowered my voice, glancing over my shoulder at the kitchen door. “You think it’s gross, right? Wrong?”

Chloe stared at me for a long time with a frown on her face, her head cocked to the side, studying me as she chewed on her lip. I wasn’t sure why I’d asked; I definitely didn’t want to talk about it. Not if I didn’t have to. And…I wasn’t sure if I wanted to hear whatever answer Chloe was going to give me.

“It _is_ weird,” she said, after a moment, shrugging as she took a couple steps back into the room to lean against the back of the sofa. “Not wrong, I don’t think… my mom used to say…well, that doesn’t matter. I don’t think it’s wrong, okay? It’s just…weird that it’s _you_. I never would have guessed. You always went right along with Ryan when he’d pick out random girls to have ten second fantasies with. But…I’m good. I’m cool with it.” She paused, turning to smirk at me, mischievously and I _knew_ I didn’t want to hear the next words out of her mouth before she even said them. “I’d be even _cooler_ with it if you told me what Shane looks like na—,”

“Chloe!” I shouted, before she could finish, hoping the sound of my voice completely drowned Chloe’s out just in case Caydence was listening in the kitchen. “I… no,” I said, shaking my head. “I don’t even know. And I wouldn’t tell you anyway. Jesus, I can’t believe… stop _laughing_.”

“It was a _joke_ , Jake,” she said, rolling her eyes. “Kidding? Ha, ha? Funny?”

“Or _not_ ,” I muttered, glaring at her. I nodded toward the door. “Weren’t you leaving?”

She rolled her eyes again. “Christ, you’re sensitive. Which pretty much answers my question by the way, because you _clearly_ still need to get laid.”

“Chlo!” I choked, incredulously. Remember how I used to say how much I love my friends. I take every word of it back. I mean, I was pretty sure I wasn’t the only virgin in the room.

“Okay,” she said, laughing. “I’m going.” She took a deep breath to compose herself and I glared at her when she broke up into another fit of giggles instead. “Leaving” she said, hands up in surrender. And she took off out the door.

I just stood there for a minute, shaking my head in disbelief before I turned around to go fetch Caydence.

“Jesus fucking Christ!” I nearly screamed, when I turned and found her standing right there. I mean, _right_ there.

Caydence didn’t even flinch. “Shane’s going to meet us there,” she said, all business. “He waited for you after school, so he still has to run home and get ready. I told him we’d wait for him, but he said he’d drive himself.”

“Shit,” I said, sighing as I took a look at the clock. I definitely needed to hurry if I didn’t want to be late. I turned back to Caydence. “He waited?”

Caydence nodded. I sighed. Fuck.

First Ryan and then Chloe. Now Shane. I wondered if I was ever going to stop pissing people off.

“So, he’s…pissed, huh?” Yeah, I’m lame, but I was trying my damnedest not to sound… _too interested_. Don’t worry, I’m completely aware of the fact that I was failing miserably.

“Yeah,” Caydence said, shrugging. “He hung up on me after I blamed it on the crickets.”

I couldn’t blame him. I sighed and turned away from Caydence, hurrying toward the stairs to go up to my room to get ready, wondering if there was any way I could casually suggest to Caydence that we go pick him up anyway. We’d have time if I could get ready quick enough. And it’s not like I had a lot to do. Speedos, windbreakers, shoes, swim cap, goggles. It’s not the kind of thing that takes hours. I was ready in five minutes.

“What took you so long?” Caydence asked as I trotted back down the steps into the living room. I raised an eyebrow at her.

“What are you talking about?”

“Come on,” she said, grabbing my arm and pulling me through the front door without answering my question. I wondered if she got the dragging thing from Shane or if he got if from her. I guessed the latter. She was much better at it and I was actually trying to _resist_ following her.

I never did get a chance to casually slip my little suggestion into our conversation. Probably because there wasn’t any ‘conversation’. I tried to start one a few times, but Caydence, apparently, isn’t one of those people that can talk and drive at the same time. Not on the main streets, anyway. The longest answers I ever got out of her were the ‘uh-huhs’ she let out when I asked if she was alright to drive. It was seriously freaking me out. She seemed nervous and being in the car with someone that seems nervous driving is almost worse than being in the car with someone who was angry at you.

“You have a license, right?” I asked when she gasped at being cut off. Ry usually just honked, switch lanes and sped up to retaliate. I wasn’t sure which reaction scared me more.

“Yup,” she answered, distracted.

“And you’ve made this trip before?”

“Right.”

I nodded. “But you’re nervous?”

“Right.”

“Well,” I said, shaking my head as I tightened my seat belt. “That’s comforting.” I really _hate_ cars. I’ve mentioned that, right?

“Sure,” Caydence said, sitting up straighter.

“You weren’t like this the first time I rode with you,” I commented, swallowing.

“Nope,” she shook her head, without ever taking her eyes off the road.

“Look, maybe we should just pull over,” I suggested. “I can call my parents to come and get us. They get off soon and they’re coming to the meet anyway.”

“Nah,” Caydence said shaking her head. “I’m okay to drive.”

It was better than another one word answer that didn’t mean anything, but it wasn’t reassuring. Not even a little bit.

“Then why are you so jumpy?”

“I’m not,” she responded. The tension in her voice might have something to do with why I didn’t believe her. I didn’t ask anymore questions, though. If she was really _that_ nervous, I didn’t want to be the distraction that sent us careening off into a ditch somewhere.

I think I held my breath most of the way to A-bay central. I mean, obviously I didn’t hold my breath the whole time, but…it was like, I’d hold my breath as long as I could, exhale when it started to make me lightheaded and start all over again. I was panting by the time Caydence parked and I got out of the car. I was definitely finding a different ride home.

“We did it,” Caydence said, as she stepped out of the car and moved around it to stand next to me.

“Yeah,” I said. I had no idea what she was talking about. I was just…glad we made it alive. Don’t get me wrong, the ride itself was pretty smooth, Caydence didn’t swerve or jerk or anything like that, it was just… I don’t know, nerves are contagious. And I _really don’t like cars_.

“I didn’t kill a single cricket on the way here. I’m not sure if they’re ever on the street, but I figured it’s getting dark and they’re always everywhere when it’s dark. But I don’t think we killed one. So you’re safe.”

I gaped at her. My jaw actually dropped and all that relief or whatever I was feeling was almost immediately replaced with some mix of anger and annoyance with her and I opened my mouth to tell her exactly what I thought of her when I felt a hand drop on my shoulder.

I spun around fast enough to make me dizzy and almost ended up ripping into Shane the way I’d planned to do to Caydence but I didn’t.

“Are you okay?” he asked, looking genuinely concerned. He apparently misinterpreted my anger…or whatever, completely and I watched his head turn a fraction to look across the parking lot at…Ryan, of course, because the day I was having so far really needed _this_ moment to be complete.

“Do you believe in God?” I asked, no one in particular as I put my goggles around my neck, doing my best to avoid Ryan’s gaze as I started off toward the building.

“Uhm… I don’t really know,” Shane said, looking at me with an almost frightened look in his eyes. “Jake, what’s going—,”

“I think he hates me,” I interrupted. “God, I mean. I think he despises me.” I sighed. “Let’s go inside.”

Shane shot Caydence a look that I’m assuming I wasn’t supposed to see and she turned to walk away without a word as soon as we entered the school. I rolled my eyes. Maybe he hadn’t told her about whatever was going on between he and I but she’d have to be a fucking vegetable not to have caught on.

“Did…did Ryan say something?” he asked cautiously as we walked down the hall, his voice almost a whisper. “Because you know, just ‘cause you’re gay, doesn’t mean that God…”

“ _What_? No,” I cringed as I shook my head. “That’s not…I wasn’t talking about that.”

Shane let out a breath of relief that I probably would have laughed at if I couldn’t still feel Ry’s eyes on me.

“Good,” Shane said, smiling. “I had no idea where I was going with that sentence.”

“Hey Jake!”

I didn’t need to turn around to know who was calling me. There are some voices that you just…know. I sighed and turned to look at Shane tiredly, but I didn’t stop walking.

“You can just ignore him,” Shane suggested. “I mean… you could pretend you can’t hear him.”

“I can hear _you_ , asshole,” Ry said from behind us. “Can you believe this fucker?” he said, assumingly to Chloe. If she responded, I didn’t hear her.

“See,” I told Shane, stopping. “God hates me.”

Shane offered me a sympathetic look that really didn’t help at all but I appreciated it just the same.

“Look, I’ll meet you in the locker room,” I told him and his jaw clenched, but he didn’t say anything. He nodded stiffly, squeezing my shoulder before he walked off. It was a friendly enough gesture that I probably wouldn’t have minded if I didn’t know Ryan was watching and judging every move we made.

I turned to face him, reluctantly and was glad to find he wasn’t looking back. He was glaring at Chloe who had her arms folded across her chest, eyebrows raised, expression stern. Ry held out, but only for a second longer than I normally did when faced with that look and he sighed, rolling his eyes as he nodded. Chloe grinned and patted his shoulder before taking a few steps toward me, smiling at me as she came.

I couldn’t smile back. Not because I was angry—though part of me _wanted_ to be. I wasn’t, though. I couldn’t bring myself to be, even when I went over what a royal asshole he was being.

He’d just had an entire conversation with Chloe without ever saying a word. And…no, it’s not in my nature to be jealous of Chloe and I don’t think I really _was_ …it was just…I used to be able to do that. Talk to him without saying a word. Years of communicating across a classroom full of testing students when we were supposed to be ‘quiet’ made it easy to have a conversation with him with just my eyes. And now…

Now, I couldn’t talk to him _at all_ much less without actually using words. And… it hurt to think about. I couldn’t be angry because it hurt. I had told Chloe that I didn’t think I could talk to Ryan because I was still pissed… but that was bullshit. _This_ was why I couldn’t talk to him. I… I didn’t want to feel it anymore. There was a knot in my chest and no amount of swallowing would make it go back down. And I almost wanted to just…run away because one look from Ryan—one of those sick, disgusted looks that were completely foreign when it came to him—would push that knot right into my throat and I couldn’t fucking cry. Not in front of an entire locker room full of my friends.

And… not in front of Ryan.

“Don’t drown,” Chloe said when she reached me, but she didn’t stay. She walked right past me after squeezing my shoulder, much the same way Shane had, leaving Ry and I alone in the hallway.

He didn’t say anything. He wouldn’t even meet my eyes and the second I felt that ‘knot’ in my chest…flex or something, I turned to walk away. The day had been my longest yet, and I didn’t think I could deal with anymore…torture. Not from Ryan. Had it been anyone else, I doubted it would have bothered me even half as much.

“I’m not going to chase you,” he said, his voice eerily calm. Blank. I hated it.

“No one asked you to,” I said quietly, but I was pretty sure he heard me. I wasn’t really angry at him, not anymore. I just couldn’t stay there. I couldn’t try talking to him again and get…nowhere. I couldn’t have another awkward conversation with Ryan, because Ryan and I don’t _have_ awkward conversations, at least, we didn’t before… and if I had to try, I wouldn’t be able to swallow that fucking knot and… I just couldn’t do it.

“I’m not apologizing either,” he added, but I didn’t respond. I turned and I walked away. If Ryan and I were going to ‘get over it’, it was going to have to happen some other time, because I couldn’t handle it right then.

I left. I walked off, into the locker room and he didn’t follow me. Just like he said he wouldn’t.

I unzipped my jacket the second I entered the locker room and I had my t-shirt pulled over my head by the time I reached Shane. And I was so fucking out of it, I almost didn’t even notice the way it took his eyes a minute to actually reach mine as they traveled over my chest instead. Not that it was anything new, exactly. He always did it during swim practice. I’d feel him watching me as I stood up on the block about to dive in and it almost always pissed me off and definitely made me paranoid, but at the moment, I couldn’t bring myself to care.

I dropped down on the bench that ran between the two rows of lockers and untied my shoes. Everything felt…off. I didn’t even feel like I was really there. There were noises all around me in the locker room and I almost couldn’t hear a single one of them. It was…surreal.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, sitting down next to me, just as I took off my other shoe. I’m not even sure where I put them. I think I just sort of dropped them off to the side somewhere and it wasn’t long before my socks and pants followed.

“Jake?” Shane persisted when I didn’t answer him.

I sighed, and sat there, staring at the locker in front of me, and wondering vaguely why I even bothered with a locker with no lock on it. It seemed almost pointless.

Just like everything with Ry was starting to feel pointless. But I picked up my stuff and shoved it into a locker anyway, making a mental note of its’ number.

“Jake?” Shane pressed and the worried tone in his voice was enough to get me to look at him at least. “What’s wrong?”

I shrugged, turning back to stare at the lockers in front of me. “I don’t think it’s going to be okay. With Ryan. I think… “ I closed my eyes tight and swallowed rapidly when I felt my nose start to get that pre-sneeze feeling that usually comes right before the stinging in your eyes when you’re about to cry. And I held it back. Just barely.

I flinched when I felt Shane’s hand on my shoulder and, again, it was a small gesture and I doubted anyone would give it a second thought but it had me nervous and I whipped my head around, scanning the room for anyone that might be watching. He pulled his hand away. Thankfully. I don’t know how many times to say it. Unless you’re name is ‘mom’ I don’t want you to know I am actually capable of crying.

“Sorry,” he said, and he looked genuine enough. Not a single trace of that smirk he usually has on his face when he succeeds in making me paranoid when we both know I have no reason to be. “Look,” he went on, and he leaned in, close enough to whisper something into my ear and far enough away to make it look innocent. “Do you want to get out of here? I can take you home …”

“No,” I shook my head, closing my eyes once more. “I wanna swim.”

Shane was silent and for a second, I thought he might try and make me leave, but he didn’t. “Alright,” he said softly. “Well…at least…wait here for a minute. Until they all leave.”

I looked at him, a little suspiciously, because if he thought I was going to make out with him in the middle of a locker room he was out of his fucking mind. I tensed, unconsciously, looking around at the others in the room.

“No,” he said, apparently reading my mind. “I just thought you could use the space. Away from…everyone else. I’ll leave too, if you want.” He looked more than a little offended. I was pretty sure that meant I should feel guilty, because he was trying to be…supportive, but I couldn’t feel much of anything other than sick. I knew I owed him an apology, though.

“Sorry,” I said, shaking my head. “I’m not…”

“I know,” he interrupted and he moved closer to me. It was slow and anyone watching would have thought it was an accident, but he shifted closer, until I could feel his arm bare against mine and I sighed resisting the urge to lean on him. I liked the contact. It didn’t help much…but it was something.

I never saw Ryan enter the locker room, but I didn’t really move from my place on the bench to look for him. I wanted to though. I couldn’t talk to him, but part of me felt like…if I could just _see_ him, without him knowing I was looking, I’d have some idea of what to do next. He was an ass, but Chloe was completely right when she said I couldn’t just…give up. I didn’t know how.

What was most frustrating was that I had no idea _why_ he was so mad. I mean, yeah, he was pissed about the gay thing, but I really didn’t know why. Which is stupid, if you think about it, because I’d always known he wouldn’t like it. It was just…now that it had actually happened, I couldn’t figure out why the hell it was such a problem for him.

And I couldn’t understand why he was so mad at me, for something that I really didn’t like anymore than he did. I _had_ tried to change. For him. It wasn’t _my_ fault. It just sucked because I tried so hard for so long and it’d been exhausting…but it was all for nothing. I couldn’t change anything and I lost Ryan anyway.

I barely noticed the other members of my team slowly file out of the locker room, though a few of them even walked by me on the way out to pat my back or wish me luck. I didn’t answer a single one of them and Shane tried to sit there with me through all of this without actually looking like he was… _with_ me. Whatever. It was definitely cool of him and I was pretty sure I’d feel guilty later, for the assumption I’d made when he asked me to wait.

“Are you sure you don’t want to just…blow this off?” Shane asked, in a voice barely above a whisper as the last person left the locker room.

I shook my head. “It’s a big meet,” I said, flatly. “You’re swimming against Rosner again. And Ry is…” I clenched my jaw, lifting my head to meet his eyes. “I’m staying.”

Shane nodded slowly, staring me down, but I wasn’t going to change my mind. It wasn’t that I needed to swim—coach would probably kick my ass if I just left, but it wasn’t about the meet. It was Ryan. I couldn’t talk to him, but I couldn’t understand why he suddenly wanted to talk to _me_. He was just… so fucking confusing. And I don’t know _why_ but I thought that if I could just see him…

I don’t know. I just couldn’t leave. Leaving felt like giving up and even if I couldn’t talk to him, I wasn’t ready to do that yet.

So with a deep breath and a long look at Shane for…comfort or courage or something, I turned and walked out of the locker room.

Ryan looked up the second I walked out and I tensed, waiting for him to shoot me that sickened glare he’d been giving me all day, but he didn’t. He looked, saw me walking over and looked away, staring out at the pool in front of him.

I couldn’t understand him. I couldn’t understand a single thing he did or said anymore and…I think that’s what was making everything so _hard_. I always understood Ry.

I couldn’t understand _me_ either. I wanted to talk to him, but I didn’t want to hear what he had to say if it was going to be bad. I wanted to be mad at him, but I didn’t want to show that I was mad at him, just in case there might be a chance that he’d realized what an ass he was being. I didn’t know what I wanted. And I don’t think he did, either.

So neither of us did _anything_. Which, might be what Chloe was talking about earlier when she said I wasn’t doing anything. I’d tried talking to him before, sure, but I don’t think I ever _really_ said anything worthwhile.

We didn’t usually sit, during swim meets. We stood and cheered and rolled our eyes at the competition whenever they glanced our way. I think that meet was the first I realized there actually _was_ a bench for us to sit on and I only noticed because Ryan was already there. I could have stayed standing, like I always did, but the thought never crossed my mind. It seemed…logical to sit on the bench with Ry…as far away as I could. I felt like I was making some sort of a statement, though I couldn’t begin to tell you what I was trying to say.

Shane didn’t sit though. He stood looking between the two of us for a moment before patting my back, biting his lip as he walked away, leaving us alone. And yeah, I sat on the opposite side of the bench, but it’s not like the thing was huge. There was probably just enough space between us to fit three other people…and not comfortably.

I hate awkward situations with _anyone_. But awkward situations with Ryan? It felt _wrong_. Ry was one of the few people that I could feel comfortable with in pretty much any situation. It was just…I hated it. I hated being around him and not knowing what to say. It wasn’t the way things between him and I were supposed to be.

The second Shane was gone, I could feel Ry looking at me and I literally had to _fight_ not to look back. The hairs on my arms stood on end and I don’t think I’d ever been so fucking tense in my life. Especially not around _Ryan_. Not even when I’d almost kissed him. It was bad then, but I was way too ‘out of it’ to actually feel it. Sitting there with Ryan, I could definitely feel everything and it was enough to make me shake as I fought with all my muscles to stay still and _not_ look back at him.

I only got a break when it was finally time for me to swim. My event was the hundred meter freestyle. I would have preferred the two hundred, but that was Ry’s event. He was better than me anyway.

I could still feel Ryan’s eyes on me when I got up on the block and into position. It’s probably why I got such a decent start. I needed to escape, even if it was only for a little while and when I heard the gunshot, I wasted no time in getting into the water.

Everything echoes by the pool. And at meets, it’s really loud. Everyone is making some kind of noise and all of the noises mix together until none of them make any sense. But when you first dive into the water, all of those noises disappear. It’s good. Great, even. For me, anyway.

I won. You’re not _that_ surprised, right? You shouldn’t be. It may not happen often, but I’ve placed first before. Though, from the look on coach’s face you’d swear I was the worst swimmer on the face of the planet. He slapped my back, hard enough to hurt when I climbed out of the pool. I swore, if he started crying tears of joy, I’d quit the team. I mean, seriously? The man has no faith in me.

Ry swam right after me and he didn’t do as well as he normally did, but that didn’t really matter with him. He did alright. He placed just like he always did, but you wouldn’t know it from the look on his face when he got out of the pool. He stormed past coach, ignoring everyone that tried to congratulate him and actually shook Toby off almost violently when he tried to pat his shoulder.

It’s kind of hard for anyone to look intimidating in a Speedo, but Ry pulled it off. And for once, I was glad he was avoiding me. I figured that meant I wouldn’t have to be anywhere near him in the middle of his fit.

I figured wrong.

Ry not only stormed right back over to the bench, he also decided that he wasn’t going to sit at the other end, far away from me anymore. I scooted away almost immediately when he dropped down beside me, flinching at absolutely nothing. I’m pretty sure I looked like a complete moron, but seriously, who could blame me? Ry looked capable of murder right then.

“Ry…” I said, when he just sat there, staring off at the pool like he had no idea I was there when he sat down.

“Don’t,” he said through clenched teeth. “Just… shut up and listen.”

I did, but the sentence started to make absolutely no sense when he followed it up by not speaking.

“What am I supposed to be listening to?” I asked after all of ten seconds because patience definitely isn’t my strong suit.

“Shut up,” he snapped, fists clenching in his lap. “If you keep talking I’m going to fuck this up… again.”

I opened my mouth to protest—to tell him I’d listen if he was actually going to say something, but I thought better of it. It’s instinctive, I think, to get angry when someone tells you to shut up, but I was more curious than anything else. He said ‘again’. I wondered if that meant he’d… had something to say one of the last times we spoke… and couldn’t get it out. I could definitely relate, but I wasn’t sure how I should feel about that, if it was true. I wasn’t sure whether what he was going to say was going to be good…or just more of the bad. More disappointment. Or more confusion. But I stayed silent anyway and I waited, occupying myself with the event that was about to take place. It was Shane’s event—the backstroke—and I watched as he dropped into the pool and got into position. I’d have loved to be…supportive or whatever I was supposed to be for Shane, but it was hard enough to keep my eyes on the pool, much less my mind. I was glad when Ry didn’t keep me waiting for too long.

“I was an ass today,” he said, and he sounded angry. Frustrated, but not with me and I had no idea how to react. I wasn’t expecting him to just…admit it.

“I _know_ I was an ass,” he went on. “But… I’m not going to apologize for it. I _told_ you to stay the fuck away from me. If you’d listened you wouldn’t have had to deal with it.”

I was glad he said that, I really was. I’d been _looking_ for a reason to be pissed. A reason to get angry, because ‘angry’ was easier to deal with. Much better than the… ‘hurt’.

“I _tried_ to, asshole,” I snapped, shaking my head as I looked away from him. “We go to the same school. It’s not like I was doing it on purpose.”

“Yeah, well, it’s not like I’m being an ass on purpose,” he said, and I hated the sardonic tone in his voice.

I sighed, dropping my head, disappointed. I’d hoped that this conversation would have been better than the last…but it’s not like I could really be surprised that it wasn’t. I bit my lip and shifted, getting ready to stand to walk away but Ry’s hand shot out to grab my arm.

“Stop fucking walking away from me,” he said, through clenched teeth.

I glared at him. “I can’t fight with you, anymore, Ryan,” I said. My voice sounded tired, even to me. “I get it, okay? We don’t need to talk about it anymore…I don’t want to.”

“Will you _shut up_ and listen to me? You _don’t_ get it. I wouldn’t keep talking to you if I didn’t want to… figure it out… or whatever. God, I hate this,” he said, staring down at his hands. “I hate talking about this. Neither of us is good at it and… it’s not working out like I want it to, so you need to shut up and listen. Got it? It’s going to take me a minute to get it right so just…let me talk.”

“So _talk_ ,” I shot back, caustically. Uncalled for, obviously. I mean… if he was really trying, then it would have probably been best if I could have just kept my mouth shut, but I was definitely on the defensive. I couldn’t really help it. It happens when people yell at you.

“I don’t like it,” Ry said, as if he hadn’t heard me. “The gay thing… I mean… I didn’t think I’d have a problem with it at first. I thought it’d be easy to just get over it because… I never really cared about shit like that before.”

“Bullshit,” I snorted, rolling my eyes. “You’ve always had a problem with it. You don’t even try to hide it. You throw around words like ‘fag’ more than anyone else I know.” I was bitter. I meant to try and hide that, but it didn’t work out.

“It’s just a word, though,” Ry said, cringing as he tried to explain himself. “Like… I called the lunch lady a Nazi and threaten to stuff her fat ass in the oven when she told me I couldn’t double up on the mac and cheese anymore and no one ever got offended about that. It’s not like I meant it or anything. It’s just something to…say.”

I rolled my eyes. “You got in school suspension for that and Anne still refuses to serve you when you come in. Obviously, someone got offended.”

“No…okay, bad example,” Ry said, and he was obviously struggling to get his point across… and I understood that. I had similar struggles with my words at least once a day. I felt some of the anger drain out of me against my will, but that was okay, because I was more frustrated than I’d ever been before.

I didn’t fucking get it. I didn’t understand what was so hard for _him_. It didn’t make any sense to me. He didn’t have anything to worry about. I didn’t have any plans to… hit on him or recruit him or whatever the fuck. I definitely wasn’t planning on _telling_ anyone else and I wasn’t going to tackle Shane in front of him and go crazy with the making out.

It was just…so _clear_ that he was upset. That he was… struggling and I didn’t get _why_? He wasn’t the one that had to deal with any of it. It wasn’t like he had to deal with it. Hell, if he wanted to, _he_ could ignore it completely. Unlike me.

“Okay, look,” Ry said, taking a deep breath as he turned to face me. “I say the word. But it’s not like I want to start a lynching mob or run around screaming ‘death to all queers’. And… maybe I wouldn’t have said it so much if I knew…” he let it hang.

Honestly…if Ryan wanted me to be silent, he should have led with that because I didn’t have anything to say.

Ry took one look at whatever expression I was wearing and snorted. “I didn’t say I was cool with it,” he said, looking offended and I let out a breath I hadn’t known I’d been holding. “I’m not… I mean… I don’t know. I don’t think I’d give a shit if it were anybody else.”

I closed my eyes, taking a breath to compose myself… and possibly to keep myself from snapping. “What does that _mean_ , Ry?”

“I don’t know,” Ry shrugged, looking up. “I think… “He paused turning to look at me. “I don’t like, Shane,” he said, eyes widening like he’d finally figured out what he was trying to say. I was just as relieved as he was. “I _really_ don’t like him, but I don’t care that he’s queer. I hung out with him that day we all played ball and I _told_ you he was cool. And… he is, I just really don’t like him.”

“Because he’s queer,” I snapped, and I moved to stand up again, but Ry yanked me back down.

“No, that’s _not_ why. I don’t _care_. I don’t hate fags. I just… hate that you’re one of them. Fuck, Jake, I have no idea what I’m trying to say. The gay thing… it’s whatever. I’m not gonna go around fucking other guys but I’m not gonna throw a shit fit if someone else wants to either. I say ‘fag’ but I make it a point not to say it to guys like Shane. But, I say it when he’s not around _about_ him. I never really think about what it means. But you said you…hated yourself. And yeah, you’re a fucking drama queen, but…fuck I don’t know how to say this.” He sighed, closing his eyes as he took a deep breath to calm himself.

And then, I remembered standing in the hall watching Chloe talk to him without actually talking and I remembered why that made me so upset. Because Ry and I never had a problem understanding each other and I didn’t understand why that had to change just because we were fighting. I hadn’t changed. Much as I hated to admit it, I’d always been gay. The only thing that was different now was that Ry knew about it and I didn’t understand why that meant _we_ —Ry and me—had to change.

“Just say it, Ry,” I said and something was expanding in my chest. Something that definitely didn’t feel like it was going to make me cry. Ry’s words were a massive jumble of _nonsensical bullshit_ but I knew him. I knew the look on his face and I knew how to tear apart the mass of bullshit that came out of his mouth until I got it.

And… I sort of did. Maybe I didn’t understand his reasoning or a word of what he said, but I got the point.

Ry wasn’t going to just…’give up’ either. But I needed to hear him say it.

He sighed, letting out a deprecating laugh. “You said it was my fault, that you hated… you know what you said. It’s too dramatic to repeat. But I didn’t mean to do it. I say the word—fag all the time, but I probably wouldn’t have if I knew that you were…Christ, that you’re _gay_.”

I was extremely grateful he had the decency to whisper when he said shit like that. I still tensed automatically every time, though.

“I thought about it,” Ry went on. “And if I knew before… I wouldn’t have said things like that in front of you but I still probably would have said them, like I do with Shane. Which is totally _more_ fucked up.” He sighed. “You’re my best friend and I _don’t_ talk about you behind your back. So, if I’m gonna say it, you’re gonna hear it. I’ve just gotta figure out a way to not want to say it. It just… kind of sucks. I hate you for this.”

“But why?” I asked and you wouldn’t believe how much I’d wanted to ask that question. I’d been asking myself _why_ for so damn long and it just felt… good to finally be able to ask someone that might be able to give me an answer. “Why does it bother you? It doesn’t make any sense. Especially if you meant what you said about not caring whether or not other people are gay. Why does it matter? I didn’t do anything wrong.”

“I know.”

It’s…weird, but I don’t think I really believed it. That I hadn’t done anything wrong. It was part of the reason that I couldn’t really be mad at Ryan. I thought it was my fault. I think… part of me figured I deserved it. And to hear him agree with me kind of shocked me into silence.

“I’ve been trying to tell you; _I don’t fucking know_ why it bothers me,” Ry said, voice getting louder with every word. “It just does. You… you’re a good guy. I’m not and… you weren’t supposed to change.” He cringed as he let out that last word.

Ryan? He really isn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. You noticed? Good.

“ _What?_ ” I deadpanned, staring at him eyebrow cocked.

He just shrugged. “You fucked everything up with this,” he said, shaking his head. “This is not the way things were supposed to go.”

And because I know you’re thinking it, I’m going to go ahead and say it— I’m just as stupid as Ryan is… because I _got it_. I hadn’t wanted things to change either. At least, I think that’s what he was saying and I definitely understood.

“That’s why I was pissed at you,” he said, looking more relaxed than he’d been since he sat down. “I think I’m still pissed at you. And I wasn’t going to tell you any of this shit because it’s _not_ what I do, but you seriously need to get Chloe off my back. She’s driving me ape shit insane.”

I laughed, feeling something like… elation and I honestly had to hold myself back from running and jumping into the pool mid butterfly event.

“So…” I started, smiling tentatively without a care as to how lame it was. “Are we good?”

“No.”

One word. Just one, but it made me feel like I’d just dived head first into an empty pool.

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, shaking my head. “What—,”

“I asked you to stay away. I meant it.”

“But _why_?” Apparently that was my new favorite question.

“Because… you changed things. And I need to learn how to be your friend again.”

“Nothing’s changed, Ry,” I said, voice shaking. I detested the ‘space’ plan. I might’ve mentioned that. “You just know more now.”

“Yeah, and now I know I was an ass before. I don’t care about Shane or any of the other queers in the world but… you’d hate me for it eventually. I don’t really give a shit if anyone else hates me, but—and I fucking hate you for making me say this but—you’re different. I can be an ass to everyone else, but not to you and Chloe. I do care, okay? I don’t like the gay thing, but if _you_ really _are_ , then I need to… figure out how to get the fuck over it. And I can’t do it with you… around because all I can think about is how pissed I am at you. So… stay away.”

“But…”

“Jake,” Ry snapped, standing up, staring at me, determined. “Stop being such a fucking _girl_ , okay? We don’t do this. This…talking thing… it’s not what we do. Just stay the fuck away from me for awhile. And if you ever need another… heart to heart, go to Chloe because this was enough for the rest of my life. My future wife is going to kill you for taking this away from her.”

“Ry…”

“Damn it, Jake, I said no,” Ry snapped. Loudly. I glanced around, but no one was really paying attention.

Well, almost no one. Both Chloe and Shane had their eyes trained on both of us, but I doubted it was because he shouted. I wondered if they’d been watching the whole time.

“I know what you said,” I told Ry, standing. “I was going to say ‘okay’.”

“Oh,” Ry said, frowning. “Good. Then… fuck off or something.”

“You fuck off,” I shot back, feigning attitude. “The relay match is up.”

His eyes widened and he turned away to walk up to the pool without another word.

I just stood there, staring after him. I wasn’t sure what had happened, not really. I couldn’t even begin to tell you what any of it meant.

But when Shane walked up almost immediately after Ry’s departure and asked me if everything was okay, I didn’t mind answering him.

“Yeah,” I said eyes wide in disbelief as I shook my head. “I think… it might be.”

“Uhm… _right_. Look, I swim first leg in the relay so; I kind of have to go, but…”

“Shane,” I interrupted, turning to face him. I almost laughed at the near frightened look on his face.

“Yeah?” he asked, tentatively.

“You wanna come over tomorrow? To hang out…or, you know,” I asked, hoping for more ‘you know’ than actual hanging out.

“You’re… inviting me?” he actually had the nerve to look shocked.

“Yeah, so?” I asked, trying not to get to defensive.

“Nothing,” he said immediately, shaking his head. “I just… usually, I have to ask. I don’t think you’ve ever… You know what? Never mind. I’ll drop by after my parents leave for my mom’s hospital visit.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, and I meant it, though I’m not sure he could see that through all the relief that I’m sure was written all over my face. “For…everything.”

“I know,” he said and he smiled before he walked off, leaving me to collapse back onto the bench.

Shane made the mistake of smiling at Ry as he stepped up to the pool and Ryan glared at him before turning to glare at me… but it was cool. I didn’t even flinch.

I had no idea how it was going to work out but for the first time in… _ever_ , I was beginning to think it _might_.


	13. Chapter 13

Before Shane, weekends were spent with me, Ry, and Chloe talking about the hundreds of things we wanted to do without ever actually doing any of them. After Shane, we did pretty much the same thing, just later in the day, after Shane went home for the night or before he arrived.

But, even though we didn’t really do much of anything other than sit on our asses and talk, I had no idea what I was supposed to do with myself if I wasn’t going to be spending time with Ryan and Chloe. Yeah, Chloe wasn’t about to start avoiding me, but she was supposed to go shopping with her mother and father.

I was alone and bored out of my fucking mind. On a _Saturday_.

It was lame. What’s worse, I actually walked to my front door a total of five times, fully intending to go over to Ry’s house before I remembered that I couldn’t do that. And _Christ_ , you’d think I’d never gone a day without seeing him. It was pathetic. I wondered if it might not be a good idea to find some new friends.

Unfortunately, I’m horrible at talking to new people and being all social. That was Ryan’s forte, not mine. So, I brought out the video games and junk food before planting myself on the floor in front of the television downstairs and pretending that there was nothing else I’d rather be doing. It worked well enough until I got far enough in the game that everything was difficult and I couldn’t get any further.

“I miss Princess Peach,” I muttered to myself as ‘Game Over’ flashed on the screen. “Princess Peach was the shit. And Luigi kicked ass.”

“Language, Jacob,” my mother said as she walked in through the front door, with a woman that looked vaguely familiar right behind her. And really, there was no way she could have _actually_ heard me all that well from the other side of the front door, but she sounded even more appalled than she usually did.

I shrugged, rolling my eyes. “Right, sorry. Or whatever.”

Mom sighed but she didn’t say anything else on the subject. “Jake, you know Mrs. Keats, right? You’re friends with her oldest son?”

I snorted. It was an accident, I didn’t mean to but it came out before I could even think of trying to stop it. Colin and I? Friends? Yeah fucking right. I couldn’t exactly say that in front of his mother though, so I just sort of smiled, shrugging.

“Hello, Jacob,” said Mrs. Keats. “Congratulations; I hear you won your little meet yesterday.”

My _little meet_?

I raised an eyebrow at her. “Yeah, thanks. And it’s just ‘Jake’.”

She actually waved me off. “Jacob is such a nice biblical name. Much better than just Jake.” That last word was spat out like it tasted bitter in her mouth and, frankly, I was offended.

I raised an eyebrow at my mother but she gave me one of her stern looks so I didn’t say anything. I just shoved my game back into its place on the entertainment center and shut off the television. It wasn’t often that my mother had company over, but when she did, I made it a point to stay out of the house. I couldn’t stay, not when their favorite pastime seemed to be standing around _me_ for some sort of deranged appraisal.

“I have my cell phone,” I told my mom as I started toward the front door. It was all I really needed to say. I still had a curfew but my parents had always been really cool about not giving me the third degree whenever I left the house, like Ryan’s dad did.

“Be sure to tell Colin I expect the dishes done by the time I get home,” Mrs. Keats called just as I opened the front door.

“Excuse me,” I said, turning back around to face her. “What are you talking about?” I felt it was polite enough and I really hoped my mother appreciated me right then. Mostly, she just looked nervous. So little faith in me.

“You’re going to my house, aren’t you?” she asked and I shook my head, trying to keep my expression neutral.

“Oh,” she said. “I just assumed. Your friend Ryan just got there when I left; I figured you wouldn’t be too far behind.” She turned back to my mom. “I thought we’d start with the red fabric, I got it down at the flea market, you wouldn’t believe how cheap.”

It wasn’t a big deal and I wasn’t jealous or anything but hearing that made me pause again. Ryan and Colin were friends and Ry could do whatever the fuck he wanted to. It was cool that they were hanging out together. Normal. At least Ryan didn’t hate me. He’d said as much and I finally believed him. He said he cared and I just didn’t have the energy to pretend that hearing him say that didn’t mean anything. Because it did. It was keeping me fucking sane.

No, I wasn’t jealous. I think hearing it made me feel… lonely. It felt like it’d been forever since I’d hung out with Ryan and I…yeah, I missed him. He was my best friend.

Whatever. I just couldn’t think about it. I was going to spend the day with Shane—just hanging out, it’s not like it was a date or anything and the fact that it took me thirty minutes longer than it usually did to pick out my clothes didn’t mean it was—and I was going to forget about Ryan. Chloe would come over later and we’d do the homework thing and I’d just… wait it out. I was Ry’s best friend too. He couldn’t avoid me forever.

And if he tried, I still had his cell phone and that should… help or something.

I walked down to the local ice cream stand, across the street from the river down by the nature trail about five blocks from my house, but I didn’t buy anything other than a soda. It was just a good way to kill a little bit more time. Shane said he’d be over after his mom’s hospital visit, but I figured he’d call me when he was on his way, so I wasn’t in any hurry to get home.

I walked the nature trail for a minute but I got fed up with the gnats before I’d gotten too far in and turned around. I swear, those things _try_ to fly into your mouth, nose, and ears on purpose. Disgusting.

Shane still hadn’t called by the time I got home, and mom immediately set me to work on the lawn. It was Mrs. Keats idea. She felt the grass was getting a little bit too long. I decided I liked Colin much better than his mother and I actually felt bad for the guy. He had to live with her.

Shane didn’t call before he showed up. His car pulled into the driveway when I was about halfway done with the front lawn. I’d already finished the side and the back.

“I’m gonna be a minute,” I called over the loud roar of the mower’s engine. “I have to finish this.”

Shane just shrugged, tossing his keys in the passenger seat of his car before walking toward my porch. “I can wait,” he said, looking pointedly at my bare chest.

“Asshole,” I muttered, shaking my head. I knew he couldn’t hear me, but still… For a minute, I felt a little self-conscious and I had to fight the urge to stop what I was doing and put my shirt back on. But I didn’t. And it was alright… I guess. The hair on the back of my neck stood on end under his gaze and my shoulders and arms tensed. But it wasn’t a _completely_ bad feeling. I almost liked knowing that he was watching. I just… I wasn’t sure if he was doing it because he really wanted to look, or because he just wanted to fuck with me. I think that’s what really bothered me about it. I hated feeling like I was being teased. Like he was laughing at me.

I finished mowing the yard quick enough and he shot me one of his cocky grins as I walked up to him after putting the lawn mower away.

“Stop it,” I said, voice low as I pulled my shirt out of my back pocket to wipe my forehead. “Seriously, it’s not like you’ve never seen me without a shirt before.”

“What’s your point?” he asked, snorting. “I always look.”

“You didn’t use to,” I muttered, shaking my head as I side stepped him to get to the front door.

“Yeah, I did,” he countered, losing his smile. “I just don’t care if you see me looking anymore.”

I paused with my hand on the knob, turning around to look at him. I waited for the grin or the laugh or whatever. I was sure it was coming… but it didn’t. He just stared right back at me, completely serious.

Shane’s eyes have always been kind of intense. I’d always had a little trouble looking at them for too long, but I’d thought I was getting used to it.

Apparently not. I swallowed, audibly, before tearing my eyes away from his and opening the front door.

“I’ve just got to change,” I told him, without looking back at him. I didn’t really need to change. I just needed a new shirt, but changing gave me an excuse to… get away from him for a minute. And I felt like I needed that. “Then we can watch a movie or something,” I added as I started up the stairs to my room.

“Alright,” Shane said, following me and apparently, I wasn’t going to get any time alone at all. “But we’re not watching a movie,” he added as I turned into my room.

I grinned but didn’t turn around so he could see it. I hadn’t really planned on watching a movie. It was just easier to say than what I actually wanted to do.

I decided not to change. Yeah, Shane had seen me in my Speedos before, and they covered _less_ than my boxers, but it still felt weird. I grabbed a new shirt and threw it on over a wife beater. It was a button up, but I didn’t bother buttoning it. It was hot inside my house, even with the air conditioner on and Shane usually ended up unbuttoning my shirts when they actually _had_ had buttons anyway, so there wasn’t really a point.

It had been…wow, two months already since Shane and I had started…God, whatever it was that we were doing and I still wasn’t fully comfortable initiating anything with him, but I was getting used to it. I moved in, swallowing as I did and I pressed my lips firmly against his.

Every time I kiss him, he lets out this soft sigh, like he’d been waiting all day to get me close. Hearing it always sent shivers running up and down my spine and it always made me fall into him a little bit. And it definitely didn’t _hurt_ my confidence.

Having him push me away did.

“Mmm,” he mumbled against my lips, pressing his hands against my chest. I’m pretty sure I could have fought against him and that he would have caved if I did. But, really, I didn’t have the balls right then. I wasn’t sure what it was, but… I don’t know, I felt nervous. I had since he’d arrived.

“What’s up?” I asked, trying to sound nonchalant as I pulled away.

“Do you have any cash?” he asked, still so close, his breath washed over my face warm and sweet.

“What are you a whore now?” I asked and my eyes immediately widened and I shook my head wishing I could… I don’t know, grab the words out of the air and shove them back down my throat.

Fortunately, Shane thought it was funny. “No,” he said, laughing as he stood up. “We’re leaving. I told you we weren’t watching a movie.”

Yeah, he did. I just assumed ‘not watching a movie’ meant ‘making out til our lips are numb’.

“Oh,” I said, frowning. Not because I was disappointed about the lack of numb lips in my future—though, that did suck—I was more worried about what he meant when he said we were leaving. “Where are we going?” I asked, reaching toward the bottom of my shirt to start buttoning it up.

“You’ll see when we get there,” he said with a smile that seemed… soft somehow. I don’t think I’d ever really thought of a smile as ‘soft’ before, but that was really the only way I can describe it. It made my stomach do a twist type dance, but not in the painful way it twisted when I was fighting with Ryan.

I was still a little uneasy about not knowing though, so I pressed. “You should just tell me,” I said, trying to smile back at him. “My mom’s gonna want to know where I’m going.” It was an out and out lie, but whatever, it’s not like he knew anything about my parents.

“So lie to her,” he replied simply, shrugging his shoulders. “Wouldn’t be the first time.”

I glared at him. I hate straightforward people. “I’m turning over a new leaf,” I said.

He rolled his eyes. “You don’t even know what that means,” he said, voice flat.

I sighed. “Shane,” I said, tugging his arm until he sat back down. “This isn’t… this isn’t like…you know, a date? Because I don’t think I’m—”

“Jake,” he cut me off, smiling. “Just shut up.” He leaned in and kissed me, briefly brushing his lips against mine, so quick I barely had time to feel it. “Let’s go,” he went on, standing back up. “It’s not like I’m going to do anything in public. I’m not stupid.”

“I know, but…”

“Remember that thing I said about shutting up? I totally meant it. Now get off your ass. We’ll have fun.”

“But why can’t you just tell me where we’re going?” I asked, getting to my feet reluctantly.

“I will,” he assured me, grabbing my arm and pulling me toward the door. “When we’re already on the road and you can’t back out like a little pussy. So, do you have any cash? I can pay, but it’s more fun if you do.”

I couldn’t see the logic in that because in my experience, it was always more fun spending my parents’ money than it was spending my own, but… I don’t know why, but I didn’t like the idea of him giving me money. And not just because it made whatever the hell he was up to seem even more like a _date_ which I definitely was not comfortable with.

“I’ve got some money,” I said, nodding. “How much do I need?”

“I don’t know,” he said, frowning. “Forty… I think, but it doesn’t really matter. At least twenty.”

“Where the hell are we going?” I asked, getting worked up again. It’d been awhile since I’d done much of anything, but there wasn’t much to do in our town. And _nothing_ that I could think of that would cost forty dollars. I wasn’t cheap or anything, but there was a reason that I had money. I could never think of a way to spend all of my allowance. Ry, Chloe, and I didn’t really do the movies much and there wasn’t really much else we could do.

“The sooner you get in the car, the sooner you’ll find out,” Shane answered with a grin. “Can we go now?”

I made a noise somewhere between a grunt and a sigh, but I followed him downstairs and out the door, telling my mom I’d keep my cell phone on as I left. Shane grinned as he did that raising an inquisitive eyebrow at me, no doubt because I’d just been caught in a lie…sort of. I implied that mom was one of those parents that actually cared where her son was off to when he left the house, and she obviously wasn’t.

I just rolled my eyes at him and stormed off to his car.

Shane hadn’t been lying when he said he’d tell me as soon as we were in the car and on the road. He did. Just as soon as we turned off my street he told me what we’d be doing.

“What? No,” I told him, grimacing. “Can’t we do something that isn’t so…”

“’So’—what?” he prompted, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Gay,” I blurted, cringing. “I _hate_ shopping. My mom still buys my clothes.”

He laughed. Hard. “You…seriously?” he asked, thoroughly amused. I nodded. He laughed harder. “Most people would keep that to themselves. But don’t worry…it’s not that kind of shopping.”

“We’re not buying drugs are we?” I asked, because apparently I’d picked up more than I would have liked from my insane mother.

“What?” Shane asked, turning to look at me. “No, I don’t…why? Did you want…?”

“No,” I answered. “I just can’t figure out what other kind of shopping we’re supposed to do with forty dollars.”

Shane rolled his eyes, turning back to face forward. “You have no imagination.”

“Bite me,” I muttered.

“Later,” Shane said nodding. “Right now, we’re going shopping.”

“Shane,” I groaned. “ _No_ ’

“Yes,” he countered. “Will you just chill? It’s not like we’re going to the mall. So, just shut up and… listen to music or something.”

I huffed and sort of threw myself back in my seat, but I did what he said. I turned on the radio and tried to focus on the music instead of obsessing about where the hell he was taking me… _shopping_.

When we arrived at our destination, I wasn’t sure to be relieved or shocked or… possibly scared.

“Uhm, Shane,” I said, clearing my throat. “Nobody actually shops here. This is where kids take their change and tweens shoplift. I don’t think it’s actually possible to spend forty dollars at ninety-cent city...”

“I know,” he said unbuckling his seat belt. “I don’t think so either, but we’re going to try.”

I sighed, following him out of the car. “Are you sure you don’t want to go…I don’t know, go carting or something normal?” I wasn’t sure I knew how to ‘go cart’ but there was a place right across the street and it seemed like a much better idea than wasting forty dollars on a bunch of random bullshit. Plus, the tiny cars were intriguing. They didn’t look at all as intimidating as normal cars.

“Maybe later,” he said, looking across the street. “But… come on. This could be cool. My mom used to take me out to do this all the time. She used to bring me and my brother out here all the time, hand us money and set us loose.”

“Oh,” I said, frowning. “Used to?”

He nodded. “She’s been…tired a lot lately.” He cleared his throat. “So…you have to spend all of you money. Or…no you should probably just spend twenty if you really want to do the go carting thing. And…we’ll probably get hungry. Right. You have to spend twenty…but you can’t buy _anything_. You have to actually want it.”

I raised my eyebrows at him skeptically, but he wouldn’t back down. “This is your idea of fun?”

“Come on,” he pressed, but I shook my head.

“Fine,” he sighed. “I swear, it’s not as lame as it sounds but… we don’t have to.”

There’s a certain way that people say ‘we don’t have to’ that sort of sounds more like, ‘my world’s going to fall and crumble if we don’t but if you want that on your shoulders, it’s fine by me’. That’s the way Shane said it, with this look on his face, somewhere between a pout and a smile…and I totally caved, sighing as I led the way into the store.

It was entirely as lame as I thought it would be… or, it almost was. Shane made me give him a reason for everything that I picked up off the shelves, which sucked. I felt like I was being quizzed or something and just like with quizzes at school, I made up most of my answers.

But Shane gave _me_ reasons—honest reasons—for every one of his purchases… and that part was kind of cool. Intriguing. It was pretty obvious that his family meant a lot to him. I hadn’t realized it before, I’d just assumed he was normal like Ryan and me and cared enough about them, but not in the crazy way that Chloe cares about her mom and helps take care of her, but Shane’s almost worse than her. Like, he bought his mom fake flowers, but not just because they were there. Apparently, he did it often because his mom loves flowers, but can’t have them around the house. Allergies or something.

I’d just wanted to humor him—go in and grab some shit and get out of there as quick as possible, but everything Shane bought had its purpose. I wasn’t really into whatever game we were playing and I honestly didn’t care if he or I spent the full twenty dollars. I wasn’t into the actual shopping part; I just didn’t mind listening to Shane.

I liked his voice. He always talks with his voice low, like everything he says is a secret that he doesn’t want anyone else to hear. He never even raised his voice when he was angry. It was the opposite, actually. It got lower, darker…scarier. It gave me chills. And, of course, there was that ever present rasp. It was nice. Soothing. I’d always liked listening to him talk.

But it was there in the store that I realized I also liked _watching_ him talk. I don’t think I heard even half of what he said, but I understood all of it. His face was…it was just wicked expressive. His eyebrows would move more when he was excited and his eyes would get all wide and I swore they changed colors. The blue went from that sparkling blue that still set me a little off kilter to this sort of soft paler shade when he was talking about his mom, or Caydence.

And his lips…compared to Shane, no one ever talks with their lips. Maybe it’s because his voice is lower…smoother than most anyone else’s but I was positive I could read Shane’s lips if I had to.

I used to notice things about Shane all the time. About the way he looked and how much I liked it. But it was always on accident. I’d get mad at myself for looking and noticing those things and I never allowed myself to _really_ look at him before.

It was just…cool, hanging out with him. I’d forgotten a lot of what I liked about Shane with everything that was happening with Ryan, but he was definitely reminding me of every last thing. And I was finding new things to like about him. Things I hadn’t really noticed before…or I was too wrapped up in my own bullshit to actually pay attention

Like, Shane has a thing with noise, like me. Or possibly music, I’m not really sure. But whenever there was a break in our conversation and it got quiet, he’d start drumming on a flat surface and nodding his head to the beat. Or he’d hum ridiculous theme songs from daytime television shows. And when he was thinking, he’d mumble to himself. I couldn’t really understand a word of it, but I definitely liked it.

“What are you smiling at?” he asked, and it shocked me because I didn’t think he could see me. He was looking down at one of those cheap Christmas music CD’s even though Christmas was months away.

“I’m not smiling,” I lied, pressing my lips together to stop.

“And now you’re making a sour face,” Shane said, chuckling softly. “I’d say it’s unattractive… but you’re the liar ‘round these parts.”

“Come again?” I said, brow furrowing.

He looked up at me, smiling, ignoring my question completely. “You should do the sour face thing more often. It’s definitely cute. Not as cute as when you pout, but still…”

“I’m not cute, asshole,” I said, rolling my eyes.

He sighed, rolling his eyes right back at me before leaning in…far too close for comfort in a public place, but I couldn’t fucking _move_. He was just… really close and I could literally feel the heat coming off his chest in waves and… yeah, totally couldn’t move.

“It’s a compliment,” he said, his breath washing over the side of my face and neck. “Not an insult. Suck it up, say thanks, and move on.”

I just sort of stood there, like an idiot staring off into space as he stepped away and went back to staring at the rack of crappy CDs.

I really hated it when he did shit like that.

I cleared my throat. “So, this is all very interesting and everything…but what’s the point?” I asked, changing the subject and hoping he didn’t call attention to what a freak I was.

“There has to be a point?” he said, picking up a stress ball from a box near one of the check out lines. He tossed it to me.

“No,” I responded, tossing it back. “I just don’t get what we’re doing here. I thought you said we’d have fun.”

He tossed the ball back. “The ball is for you, spaz. I think you should get it. And, you’re not having fun?”

I shrugged. “I’m not having a _bad_ time, exactly, but I wouldn’t use the word ‘fun’ either,” I said sighing. I squeezed the ball and raised an eyebrow at him. “And why should I buy this? I don’t have stress problems.”

He snorted. “Sure you don’t. You’re totally Zen.”

“Zen? Who says ‘Zen’?” I said and I threw the ball at him, instead of to him. He caught it anyway and dropped it back into the box.

“I do, apparently,” he answered with a sigh. “Look, we can leave if you want. I just like this place.”

“Okay, but why?” I asked, grabbing one of those hand held fans out of his basket of crap. “I’m just… not really getting it.”

He shrugged, reaching over to take the fan away from me, to fidget with it himself. “I don’t know. I told you my mom used to take me here…”

“Yeah,” I said, snorting. “So what? My mom used to take me to Cool Craze every weekend before I got old enough to see how lame it was.”

“Cool Craze is not lame,” Shane retorted. “The ice cream kicks ass. And…I guess ice skating can be fun.”

“Yeah, and the dancing, singing snow men were totally neato,” I said sarcastically feigning excitement.

“Who says ‘neato’?” Shane asked laughing. “Seriously, bro… I don’t know. All of this stuff was awesome when I was younger. And do you know how cool it is to be handed twenty dollars and told to ‘go crazy’ when you’re seven?”

“But you’re not seven,” I pointed out. “You’re seventeen. And this is not cool anymore.”

“Says who?” Shane challenged, looking me right in the eye.

“Says me,” I shot back, taking a step closer so that the distance between us was almost nonexistent. It was easier to do things like that when I was being dared and…I don’t know why, but it felt like I was.

“Well, I think you’re wrong,” he said as if that settled it. “And I _said_ we could leave.” He raised an eyebrow and smirked. “We can go to Cool Craze instead. I’m sort of hungry.”

“Thanks, but no thanks,” I said flatly. I sighed. “Here’s fine, I guess. I was just wondering.” I turned to walk away in search of the seven more useless items I needed to make my goal.

“Jake,” Shane called after me, jogging up to get in front of me. “Look… I don’t really do this anymore.”

“Okay,” I shrugged. “It’s no big deal. I said it wasn’t that bad…I was just wondering…”

“Yeah, and now I’m telling you,” he interrupted. “My mom had an appointment today, which is, you know, no big deal…usually. But she didn’t want to go today. I took her because dad’s working and when I dropped her off, she said that this is what she’d rather be doing. So, I thought I’d go for her. Then I remembered that I said I’d hang with you and… I figured I could just kill two birds with one stone.” He shrugged, waving a hand at our surroundings. “So…we’re here. But we don’t have to be. We can leave if you want.”

It was all very…sweet and I guess I could see why he wouldn’t have wanted to tell me. Sweet is just a very embarrassing thing to be.

“That’s cool,” I said, mostly because he was shifting around awkwardly, avoiding my eyes and that was weird coming from him.

He shot me a grateful smile. “Thanks. You don’t have to get anything, if you don’t want to, I just thought…”

“Nah, it’s cool,” I interrupted, grinning. “I’ll play.”

I didn’t really want to but I got another grateful smile so it was worth it. Besides, I kind of felt like an asshole. The last few days couldn’t have been fun for Shane with everything that had been going on with Ryan, but he was always there. I felt sort of selfish and I made a mental note to grab some of those fake flowers Shane had picked up for his mother, because it seemed like the thing to do for someone that was in the hospital. Even if it was just for an appointment. Also, I felt selfish, remember. I was trying to… make up for it.

“So, what’s the appointment for?” I asked as we walked down an aisle full of picture frames. Shane looked shocked that I’d asked and a little… worried almost, but I couldn’t imagine why.

“Uhm,” he started, turning away to look at some glass frames. “Nothing. Just a checkup.”

“Oh. That’s easy,” I said, grabbing one of the frames for my cart. And then I grabbed a couple more because I figured they’d be easy to give away, or even use for myself.

“Unless they’re constantly finding new things when their checking,” Shane muttered, darkly.

“What?” I asked, frowning. “What’s that mean?”

“Nothing,” Shane said, and he was smiling brightly when he turned to face me, eyes sparkling blue, despite the way he’d sounded only a second before.

I wanted to push the subject, but that smile kind of threw me. It seemed so genuine, which felt kind of out of place and I wondered if I’d heard him wrong earlier. Or if he’d been being sarcastic. In any case, I had no idea how to respond so I just kind of nodded and turned away.

“Are you hungry?” Shane asked from behind me.

I shrugged. “Not really. I had a few corndogs earlier.”

“Well…that’s gross. You wanna go get something edible?” he asked and when I turned back around, I completely forgot about why I was feeling awkward with one glance at his teasing grin.

“Like what?” I asked, curiously because corndogs or not, I could always eat.

“Like Tacos. Or Quesadillas,” he responded and we glanced at each other for a second before we both started laughing.

“As long as you’re not making them,” I said, punching him in the arm playfully.

“Uhm, no,” he said, snorting. “Why would I do that? I’m hungry. I actually want to eat something.”

“You didn’t eat the last ones?” I asked, cocking an eyebrow.

“I’m still alive, right? So, no, I didn’t.” He folded his arms over his chest, staring me down. “What’d you do with yours?”

“I tossed ‘em.” I lied, pretty convincingly. The truth was, I tried putting them in the fridge because it seemed wrong to throw them out. My mom found them and she tossed them. I still had the note though. Not that I was about to tell him that. Thinking back on it, trying to keep any of it seemed like the lamest thing I’d ever done.

Shane nodded. “Good. But no, I’m not going to try that again, my parents were pissed because I fed some of them to Mykel and she got sick. I thought we could just buy some. From a restaurant.”

“Shane…”

“A fast food restaurant,” he clarified, rolling his eyes with a sigh. “Reconsider the stress ball. I really think you could use it.”

“That’s not what I was going to say,” I said, glaring at him. “I just…kind of want to go home when we’re finished here.”

“What?” Shane asked, and he sounded offended. “It’s early. It’s barely one. I don’t want to go home.”

“Not even if it means we can make ourselves sick with the making out in my room before I send you off?”

I don’t know why I don’t just put an announcement in the paper, or scream ‘I, Jake Taylor, am a total boy macking queer’ from the rooftops. God, I should really learn to keep my mouth shut.

“Why is it okay for you to say shit like that but I mention tacos and you have a fucking aneurism?” Shane asked, shaking his head.

“You think I do it on _purpose_ ,” I asked, appalled. Believe me; I scold myself for saying shit like that just as much as I freak out on Shane for doing it.

Shane sighed. “I’m finished here. I just… don’t really feel like being indoors, right now, but I’ll drop you off if you want to go home.”

No. That wasn’t going to fly. I think my most recent comment pretty much screamed that I wanted him to come home _with_ me. And I think he heard me loud and clear… he just didn’t seem at all interested. He seemed annoyed.

“I’m just gonna go pay,” he said, flatly. “You don’t actually have to buy any of that,” he added nodding toward my cart before he walked off.

I honestly didn’t have a clue what I’d done wrong. And he thought _I_ was the one with the mood swings?

I didn’t get it. _I’d_ been having a good time with him. I still liked being around him and now that things with Ryan had calmed down, I was back to wanting to get to know more of him. Especially after listening to him talk and finding out how much I really didn’t know about him at all. I wanted more. I still liked him, but something felt off and I had no idea what it was.

I think I’d made a lot of assumptions where Shane was concerned and when my friendship with Ryan blew up…or whatever, I think I stopped paying attention to him altogether. It’s fucked up, but in my defense, I really hadn’t realized I was doing it at the time.

I may have…taken him for granted. He’d been being really cool about everything and I just took it—all of the support and everything— and never even said thanks. He barely knew me and he was totally being just as much of a friend to me as Chloe was and he didn’t have to. He could have just said fuck it and _me_ and all my drama and ditched me. But he didn’t and that seemed like a big deal.

I’d just been so worried about everything with Ryan and then so fucking _relieved_ when Chloe hadn’t reacted the same way that he did, that Shane and everything he was doing seemed small in comparison. It wasn’t, though. He really didn’t have to be there for me. Especially with what an ass I am and how fucking stressful it must have been. I wouldn’t have. I had my own shit to deal with and… Shane probably did too.

I just wouldn’t know, because I barely fucking knew him.

I suck on so many levels.

I left my cart there in the middle of the aisle and took off to get Shane’s mom the flowers before I caught up with him at the check-out line.

He didn’t say anything to me. He smiled, but it was dull and forced and… just weird. Shane’s smiles were supposed to be bright. They were supposed to light up his eyes and make it hard to breathe.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered, but I’m pretty sure everyone heard me. I didn’t really feel comfortable leaning in close with people around, so it had to be a louder whisper, but I didn’t really care. I fucked up. People say sorry when they fuck up.

“Forget it,” he said, pulling out his wallet as the cashier gave him his total. “It’s just been a long day.”

“It’s still early,” I said, throwing his words back at him. He smiled again and I let out a breath that I wasn’t aware I’d been holding when the smile actually reached his eyes.

He waited for me to pay and I helped him carry his shit out of the store.

“I don’t want you to take me home,” I told him quietly once seated in his car. “We can…do whatever. It’s cool.”

Shane stared at me for awhile and I almost welcomed it. It was familiar. It was something that I was used to from him and maybe, I hadn’t gotten comfortable with it at all, like I thought I had. Maybe, I just stopped paying attention to it for awhile.

I handed him the flowers. “I could eat, if that’s what you wanna do,” I offered, shrugging as he took the fake bouquet, with a bemused frown.

“Uhm…you don’t actually have to give me flowers. I mean, I’m not—,”

“They’re for your mom,” I interrupted, appalled. Gay or not, I was not giving another boy flowers. I wouldn’t even give a _girl_ flowers. “They’re for you mom.”

I was pouting. Even I could tell and I waited for him to say something about it, but he didn’t.

“You—you bought my mom flowers?” he asked, staring down at them. “I told you, it’s just a checkup. It’s not like she’s dying…”

“I know,” I said, shrugging. “It just… seemed like the thing to do. Plus, it makes me feel better about being an asshole.”

He grinned. “You admit that you’re an ass, then?”

“Oh yeah,” I replied, sitting back in my seat. “Totally. But at least I know it.”

“You have that to be proud of,” Shane said, snorting. “So, you wanna go get lunch?”

I hesitated. I didn’t mean to, I just couldn’t really help it. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be seen with Shane—actually that was exactly what it was. But not because I didn’t want anyone to know we were friends. I was just worried about _me_. I was always so quick to jump on Shane for doing certain things in public but I knew I was worse. I’m not really great with being discreet.

“We can just pick something up, I told you we didn’t have to—,”

“Shane,” I interrupted, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath.

“Yeah?”

“You know that diner up by the mall on fifth?”

He grinned and put the car into reverse.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

People aren’t supposed to just invite themselves along for other people’s plans. Not even parents. I don’t care how close they _think_ they are to their kids. It’s just not the way things are supposed to happen.

I decided I really didn’t like Shane’s mom.

I’d been nervous enough when Shane told me he had to pick her up and drop her off at home before we could go eat, but I felt close to vomiting when Shane told her what we were doing and she mentioned that it ‘didn’t sound like a bad idea’ and totally invited herself along. Shane had the decency to shoot me an apologetic look in the rearview mirror—I’d been exiled to the backseat—but it didn’t make me feel any better. There was only one mom I’d ever felt comfortable around…and that wasn’t even my own mom, it was Chloe’s. I had no idea how I was going to handle Shane’s.

It was just awkward. Even when she gushed over me for getting her the flowers. Flowers that only cost me about two bucks.

She was one of those chatty moms, like mine, but unlike me, Shane didn’t seem to mind the fact that she was actually trying to have a conversation with one of his friends. He sat next to me while we ate, grinning the whole time—at my discomfort or his mom’s apparent wit, I have no idea.

I’m just really bad at talking to parents. I never know the right answers. My instinct is always to lie when adults are around, even when I’m not up to something. And…

I don’t think it’s necessary for me to say this, but I will anyway, just in case you’re missing the point—I wasn’t doing well. I was bombing big time.

“I’ve seen your mother around church,” Mrs. Tickersine said, while we waited for our food. “She seems like a nice woman. She brought the most amazing cake to the last fellowship. She’s an excellent cook.”

“She’s not,” I said, fidgeting with my thumbs under the table. “She buys the cakes and sort of ruins the frosting to make it look homemade.”

“Oh?” said Mrs. Tickersine with an amused grin. “I should have thought of that. Baking is really a hassle and it takes far too long.”

She was… nice. Parents aren’t supposed to be nice and harmless. They’re supposed to be intimidating and suffocating assholes.

It had to be a trick.

“I guess,” I said shrugging, as I looked off into space, trying to avoid her eyes.

To make the entire situation worse—because apparently Shane didn’t think I was being challenged enough already—while I was in the middle of explaining why my shoelaces were different colors to Mrs. Tickersine, Shane decided to put a hand on my leg under the table.

This is what he calls ‘not doing anything in public’, by the way. Just thought you should know what an asshole Shane could be. I’m a dick, but he’s really just as bad when you think about it.

I wasn’t even really that hungry and I couldn’t fucking wait to get out of there. And it had _nothing_ to do with me being worried about the patrons of Longways Diner finding out that that Taylor boy was apparently a queer. It was all on Shane and his… seriously strange mother.

“That’s unique,” she said kindly when I finished explaining my, in actuality, not that interesting shoe situation. And honestly, Shane was her _son_. She should be talking to _him_ , not me. I’ve got my own mother when I feel like I’m up for getting badgered with questions.

“Thanks,” I answered, forcing a smile because she actually seemed to be being genuine.

She smiled back, and I noticed her eyes sparkled the same as Shane’s when she did. The color was different, but still… it was a little unnerving. Shane’s smile gave me butterflies; lame or not, it’s the truth. Shane’s mom’s smile, made me wonder if I was being set up. Parent’s _don’t_ like me. Except for Chloe’s mom and she doesn’t count. Even my own parents think I need some serious behavior modification. I wasn’t good with parents and she was _Shane’s_ parent, which was totally way weirder than normal parents and… there was just no way that she actually liked me. And I wasn’t about to fall for flashy smiles.

“How long have the two of you been friends?” she asked me, pointing between Shane and I. It was totally a question that she could have asked Shane anytime she wanted to _at home_ and I _knew_ the smile thing was a trick.

But… I don’t think it was really the question that bothered me. I think it was the way she asked it; the way she said the word ‘friends’. Because, the second the word was out of her mouth, it occurred to me that Shane was _out_ and she might… know.

And that was just so not _on_.

“Mom,” Shane said with a glare, taking his hand away from my leg. So, there was an upside, but I still really wanted to get the fuck out of there and never leave the safety of my room again.

“It’s just a question,” she smiled at him and I don’t think Shane got that that smile was totally a trick, because he _fell_ for it and smiled back. “It’s just been Caydence lately. I want to know your friends.” And she turned back to me, an obviously expectant look on her face.

“Uhm,” I said because I thought it might be nice to impress her with my insanely impressive verbal skills. “Since… I don’t know. A couple months ago...it was right after I tried to ask Caydence out.”

I don’t know why I added that last part. Especially because the whole thing was pretty fucking embarrassing. Maybe it’s because I still definitely wasn’t okay with anyone _knowing_ that I was gay, even if I was starting to be okay with actually being gay. Or…

I don’t know. I just felt like I had to say it.

“ _What_?” Shane asked, in an exaggerated whisper that anyone nearby heard loud and clear. “You—what? Caydence never said…”

It was the _truth_. I had tried to ask her out. But… I felt like I was telling a lie I was never going to get away with.

“Yeah, she probably doesn’t know,” I said quickly, frowning. “I don’t think I did it right.”

The table was silent for a moment and I avoided both Shane’s and his mom’s eyes, pushing food around my plate, hoping like hell they’d change the subject. They didn’t.

Come _on_. The law of ‘averages’…or whatever _says_ that I’ve got to get my way _some_ time. Nobody follows rules anymore.

They laughed at me. Shane’s mom has that in common with her son as well. Neither of them seemed to have any issue with laughing at my misery.

“I hate you both,” I muttered under my breath and Shane looked shocked, eyes widening as he looked to his mother for _her_ reaction to having a teenager tell her he hated her.

She laughed harder. Normally, I’d be pissed about that, but I was really relieved. My mouth gets me into trouble _so_ much and I’m pretty sure that there’s a rule somewhere that says you’re not supposed to tell your boyfriend’s—or whatever the hell Shane was—mother that you hate her. Not to her face. I couldn’t be pissed. Mostly, I was just grateful the woman had a decent sense of humor.

The rest of ‘lunch’ went fairly smoothly if you didn’t count the time I decided to purposely spill soda in my lap so I could feign alarm and _ram_ Shane’s fucking hand into the table when I jumped in ‘surprise’. It worked and he didn’t try touching me for the rest of the meal, but… I ended up having to walk out of the diner with a stain on the front of my pants so I’m not really sure who won.

Shane’s mom drove us back to his house, though Shane protested the whole way. She said she wanted to borrow the car and Shane looked like he was going to argue until she gave him one of those ‘mom’ looks that every mother on the face of the planet seems to know how to use. It’s a look that means ‘shut the fuck up and do as I say, or feel my unspeakable wrath’. I knew it well.

She dropped us off at Shane’s and we tried hanging out there but we were only there for about two minutes before Mykel decided she was going to latch onto me like some kind of tiny, screaming parasite. Shane actually had to pry her off me, before he told me we could just walk back to my house if I wanted.

Finally.

“So,” I said as we walked, swinging my hands back and forward in front of me. “You told your mom?”

I was calm. I don’t think I would have been if I’d gotten to talk to him alone sooner, but I’d had time to cool down somewhere between the diner where I was trying to say as little as possible in front of his mother and at his house, where I was trying to keep Mykel from climbing up my body.

“No, I didn’t,” he said and yes, I totally took some pleasure in how nervous he was. “I haven’t said anything about you to…well, anyone.”

He sounded slightly bitter about that, but I didn’t think too much about it.

I sighed, “Sorry. It’s just… at lunch, she seemed like she—,”

“I said I never said anything,” he interrupted me, voice low. “But that doesn’t mean she hasn’t…made her assumptions.”

“What does that mean?” I asked, frowning. I definitely didn’t like where this was going.

He gave me one of those looks that said ‘what do you think?’ and I frowned deeper. He rolled his eyes.

“Jesus.” He sighed, grabbing my arm to keep me from walking any further. “I could tell her that we’re just friends. But that’d be a little suspicious considering she hasn’t actually _said_ we were anything else. Don’t worry about it.”

I didn’t really see what reason he had to be annoyed but he sounded like he was. But… I couldn’t apologize for anything. I really didn’t feel like I did anything wrong.

“I _am_ worried,” I admitted, letting out a breath. “I don’t like people knowing.”

“My mom isn’t ‘people’,” he said. “She’s a mom.”

I sighed, shaking my head as I started walking again. “Never mind. Forget it.”

“Jake…fuck, wait,” he said, jogging a few steps to stop me. “I didn’t mean that. I get it, alright?”

“Right,” I snorted.

“I do, asshole,” he snapped, but he looked guilty immediately afterward.

“Everyone already knows about _you_ ,” I pointed out, unwilling to back down.

“Yeah,” he said, rolling his eyes. “And _that’s_ totally a cakewalk.” He sighed, shaking his head. “I’m not as obsessive and… I don’t think I ever really had as many issues as you clearly do, but it’s not like I _wanted_ everyone to know.”

That kind of shocked me. It hadn’t even crossed my mind before, but obviously _someone_ had to have spread the news about Shane around. I don’t know why I’d always assumed that he’d done it himself. Obviously, I’d been wrong.

But that didn’t make any difference. He didn’t seem to care whether or not people knew.

When I said that out loud, though, he didn’t really react…favorably.

“Bullshit,” he snapped, glaring at me.

I’ve seen Shane angry before. Hell, I’ve even sort of been in a fight with him a couple times before, but I really must have pissed him off, because something…changed.

“I handle my shit better than you…but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t bother me.”

Remember how I said Shane’s eyes sort of lit up when he smiled? It was almost worse when he was pissed at me and it made my heart pound in my chest and I couldn’t have run away if I tried. His eyes…they didn’t light up so much as they…burned. I can’t really think of a better word than that and it doesn’t even make sense because it should be impossible for eyes like his—blue…like water chock full of chlorine—to ‘ _burn_ ’, but they seriously were.

“I may not freak out and act like a total ass, but _you_ are not the only one with issues,” he said, nostrils flaring.

“I didn’t…”

“Do you know who Tobias Miller is?” he went on, ignoring me.

“Yeah,” I said. “He’s on the team.”

“Like that means anything; you didn’t know who I was.” He shook his head before continuing. “Toby used to be my best friend…him, Tyler, and Caydence, but Tyler moved. And last week, Toby _accidentally_ got a little off course during swim practice and landed a kick in my side. He apologized right away,” he added when my eyes widened. “ _Sorry, fag. Accidents happen_. It’s ‘okay’ though, because it was totally funny, if you ask anyone that saw it.”

“Shane…”

“Whatever,” he waved me off and started walking. “Fuck him. I’m pretty sure it hurt worse when I kicked his ass at the meet…again. He hates that I’m better than him. Besides it’s not really possible to kick _that_ hard under water while trying to swim at the same time. It didn’t really hurt.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, struggling to keep up with him. “You never said…”

He snorted. “And give you even more reason to be a neurotic _freak_? Can’t imagine why I wouldn’t have wanted to speak up.”

That was more than a little offensive and I stopped walking, staring at his back as he stormed off in the direction of my house. It wasn’t long before he noticed and turned around, but honestly? I wasn’t sure I cared what he had to say. Maybe I was a dick—no, I’m pretty sure I was—but it’s not like I did it on purpose and it was just… a low blow.

“I’m sorry,” he sighed, walking back toward me. I stepped away, almost without even thinking about it.

“Jake,” he said, biting his lower lip. “Seriously… I’m sorry.”

“Neurotic freak?” I asked, shaking my head. “Ouch.”

“If it helps any, I think I just proved I’m just as bad as you.”

Guess what? It didn’t help.

“Okay, not funny,” he relented, stepping closer again. “I didn’t mean to say half of that shit.”

“Oh?” I asked. I don’t know if you noticed, but I have kind of a bad temper. I wasn’t ready to do anything but be mad at him at the moment.

“No, I didn’t. I was a little…pissed off.”

“You think?” I snorted, rolling my eyes as I stepped around him. “I don’t need you to walk me home.”

“Fuck, Jake, I really am sorry,” he said, grabbing my arm to pull me back. “Seriously. I didn’t mean most of that.”

I folded my arms across my chest. “I get that I’ve got issues. But why do you bother with me if I’m such a neurotic—,”

“I _said_ I didn’t mean that. I mean… I did, but not the way it sounded. I didn’t mean to say it like that. I _like_ that you’re a neurotic freak. I like _you_. Even with all the mood swings and the drama. It’s just…hard sometimes. You can be kind of a jerk.”

I glared at him.

“And… I can be too. Obviously. So, can we forget it? I’m an ass and I’m sorry, okay? But I really _do_ like you. I wouldn’t keep coming around if I didn’t. And… I do get it—all the drama and the panic—I understand. ”

I might have been able to hold out a little long, at least, if he wasn’t looking at me with the eyes and the pout and…whatever the fuck. I caved.

“Yeah,” I said, sighing. “I’m sorry I said you didn’t…”

“You didn’t,” Shane replied. “You just implied I didn’t understand. I shouldn’t have snapped, though. Just…today is not going like I planned.”

I laughed. “You didn’t schedule in any fights? And here I thought you were getting to know me,” I said as we both started walking again. At the rate we were going, I wasn’t sure we’d ever get to my house. It’s stupid really, because if we could just keep walking it probably wouldn’t take us anymore than a good two minutes to get in my house and up to my room.

He grinned, gently bumping into me with his shoulder as we turned onto my street, but it’s still not a gesture that’s supposed to make someone all warm inside, no matter how gentle.

“I scheduled in some time for one of _your_ freak outs, so don’t worry. All is not lost.”

I rolled my eyes, chuckling. “You are such a geek.”

“You like it,” he accused, shrugging.

“Sue me,” I shot back, not even bothering to deny it. “At least I don’t have a thing for neurotic freaks.”

“Don’t knock it if you haven’t tried it. I think…” he trailed off, staring off at something in front of us and one look at his face let me know I really didn’t want to see what he was looking at.

I tensed, almost immediately seeing Ryan standing at the end of my driveway, next to his car and even from a distance, I could see him tensing as well.

I knew it was too good to be true; too early to be relieved and I cringed waiting for the disgusted glare or whatever Ryan felt was appropriate.

It never came. He nodded his head at me and then at _Shane_ much to both of our surprise and got into his car.

It was weird and I was going to drive myself crazy wondering what the hell he was doing at my house, but… the nod was reassuring. I probably wouldn’t have been near as insane before when Ryan was ignoring me if he’d have done things like that every once in a while and I was sure I’d be okay as long as he kept it up. It let me know that he was still—there. Even if we weren’t talking. He was still there. He was still my best friend—or he would be again…eventually.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked as Ryan drove off and we neared my house.

I nodded. “Yeah,” I said, and I leaned into his side almost unconsciously, needing the contact. “Yeah, I think so.” And I did. I was a little unnerved, but otherwise okay. Definitely better than I’d been the entire week so far.

“Good,” Shane answered. “Because I was wondering if you were still up for making out until our lips are numb.”

It’s hard… hearing something like that and not looking over your shoulder to see if the queer police heard it…but I didn’t.

I was a fuck up. Especially when it came to Shane, lately. I didn’t _know_ him, but I _wanted_ to and I wasn’t going to fuck it up. Or, I was going to try my damnedest not to.

It was barely three in the afternoon, but it already felt like a really long day. A lot of ups and downs and…weird things. But I wanted Shane to stick around.

I just had to work on not fucking it up. I wasn’t doing a good job so far, but I figured it wasn’t too late to give it another shot if he was still offering me hot make out sessions.

I forced a smile at him and took a deep breath. “I like numb lips.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

My next week at school went by fairly smoothly and _quickly_ when compared to the previous week. It was hard…not to fuck things up with Shane and worry about fucking things up with Ryan at the same time and I’m not really sure I was doing well with either thing, but I was tired of worrying about things I couldn’t control. I was trying…it was all I could do.

Ryan still wasn’t talking to me, but on the up side, he always gave me one of those ‘nods of acknowledgment’ after he glared at me whenever we ran into each other and the glares weren’t as…cruel as they used to be. I wasn’t sure if it was a good thing, but I’d take it. I couldn’t really let myself think about it. I’d panic. It’s what I do.

I still ate lunch with Reid, and even that wasn’t horrible. He wasn’t the best conversationalist, but I liked the quiet. It was a nice break from all the talking everyone else seemed to want to do. Except Ryan. I think that was what I missed most about Ryan. I could talk to _him_ without every having to talk _about_ anything. It was much better than eating lunch in total silence, but I didn’t mind it so much once I got past feeling awkward about not having anything to say. It was alright.

I saw Chloe everyday, though I’m pretty sure Ryan saw more of her than I did. I didn’t mind that either, though. Ryan really wasn’t lying when he said he doesn’t like anyone else. He’s always had a lot of friends at school, but away from school, he doesn’t really spend much time with anyone outside of Chloe and me. And apparently, Colin, but I wasn’t thinking about that.

I’d never tell anyone, but I was glad Chloe was spending most of her time with him. I didn’t like thinking that he didn’t have… anyone. I saw Chloe for awhile everyday and that was more than enough for me. She could get a little exhausting.

Everything was different but it wasn’t the end of the world, like I thought it would be and as long as I could pretend Ryan and I were going to be okay eventually, I could get through it.

And…then there was Shane. I almost felt like _I_ was the one that had to make time for Chloe, instead of the other way around, because of how much time I was spending with Shane. I wanted him around all the fucking time and…that was a familiar feeling, but being with Shane was different just like everything else was.

I used to think that it’d be impossible to be Shane’s friend, but that wasn’t actually true. He _was_ my friend. I _could_ talk to him when I wasn’t being such a freak about what it all meant and I could laugh with him. It took me awhile, but I finally figured out that the reason that it always felt like Shane was laughing _at_ me was because _I_ wouldn’t laugh with him. He was just…cool. There are so many better words that I could use to describe him, but I’m going with ‘cool’.

The only real difference between Shane and I and me and one of my other friends was the way I felt when I was with him. He _was_ a friend… just a different kind. I wanted him. I still didn’t have the balls to say that out loud, but I fucking thought it all the time. _All the time_.

I think part of me still felt like I was eventually going to get it— _Shane_ —out of my system. That I’d eventually get tired of him and move on, but I was definitely wrong. The more I got to know him, the more I liked him and instead of getting him out of my system it was like he’d…burrowed into it or something. Latched on and wouldn’t let go. The more I got to know about him, the more I liked him. I couldn’t stop. I didn’t even want to anymore.

I didn’t think I’d ever get used to the idea of being gay, whether my friends and family were okay with it or not—but Shane? Him I could get used to. He barely had to touch me and I was lightheaded. Out of breath. It was an odd feeling…but the good kind of odd.

It’s hard, to think that I’d be completely okay without Ryan—and I don’t think I would’ve been nearly as ‘okay’ if he weren’t acknowledging me at all or if he was still acting like he hated me with the fiery passion of a thousand suns…but he wasn’t. And things were okay.

 _I_ was okay.

Imagine that.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shane’s nose is crooked. It’s not noticeable. Not unless you _really_ look at him, but it is crooked. The birthmark on the side of his neck isn’t really all that noticeable either, not even when he’s not wearing a shirt, but it’s there. Really small and slightly lighter than the rest of his skin on the lower part of his neck…almost his shoulder, really. I wondered if anyone else knew it was there. I wondered if _Shane_ even noticed it there.

I did. The birthmark is lighter than the rest of his skin, but it tastes the same against my tongue.

I’d been looking at him a lot.

“If you get outed,” he told me, Thursday at school, “I want you to know, it’s totally your fault.”

“Huh?” I asked, blinking as I looked up away from his neck to meet his eyes. “What’d you say?”

He laughed. “I said, I won’t take the blame if you out yourself staring at me,” he repeated, slamming his locker shut. It was just after swim practice…an extra swim practice because Coach felt we were all useless slackers and was freaking out about the meet at Bartlett High. I made the mistake of asking Shane why he never changes with me. I didn’t think he’d actually start, but he did and now I had to make a conscious effort to keep my eyes averted every time we finished practice.

“I don’t stare at you,” I said, shutting my own locker and grabbing my stuff to leave.

“You should stop trying to lie,” Shane informed me, with a grin. “You’re not very good at it.”

“Whatever,” I snorted. “I still wasn’t staring at you. And if I was… no one else was in the locker room anyway. No one else is here.”

And because someone thinks it’s funny to prove me wrong at every turn, Ryan stepped out in front of us just as the words left my mouth.

It’s weird. Ryan already knew about me… _and_ Shane, but I think I was more worried about him hearing what Shane and I were talking about than I was worried about anyone else. Ryan and I were still on really shaky ground and I wasn’t sure how he’d react to it. I could just lie to anyone else. With Ryan… I just wasn’t sure whether or not he’d snap again.

“Chloe went home early,” he informed me without saying hello.

“Yeah,” I said, nodding slowly. “I know. I took her to the nurse’s office. She’s just been wicked tired lately.”

Ryan didn’t say anything. He just stared between Shane and I, arms folded across his chest, jaw clenched.

I just stood there, waiting. It was Shane that eventually got fed up and cleared his throat. “Did you need a ride, or something?” he asked, frowning.

“No,” Ry snapped, sounding offended. “I’ve had a car since the day I got my license.”

“Yeah, and I heard you can actually drive it again, now that you’ve gotten rid of your nifty little _anklet_.”

“ _Shane?!_ ” I snapped, turning to gape at him. “Not cool.”

He looked like he was about to snap at _me_ for a moment but his face softened and he turned to Ryan. “Yeah…that was…sorry,” he said, shaking his head. “Just thought I’d offer.”

“No thanks,” Ryan sneered, before turning to me. “Want a ride?”

It was kind of the last thing I expected him to say. He didn’t seem… angry with me. At all. He seemed a little nervous and I…I wasn’t really sure what to make of it.

I turned to Shane.

“Yeah,” he said, before I could even open my mouth. He reached up and grabbed the sleeve of my shirt, giving it a short tug as he stepped away. “I’ll be over later, okay?”

I nodded and turned to Ryan.

“Not a word,” he said, but it sounded more like a request than a command. “Just come on.”

We didn’t speak the whole ride home, which granted, wasn’t a long one, but it was long enough to drive me crazy.

I was pissed. I’d been _fine_ all week. Great, even and he was ruining it with one fucking car ride. It was…too much and the way he was acting had me worried about losing him all over again. No, we hadn’t been talking, but I’d been pretending that was because we just…hadn’t had the chance. Or something equally lame, but it got me through the days.

And he had to go and fuck it all up for me.

I couldn’t handle it anymore. All the ups and the downs and the fucking spinning in circles. It was an endless cycle of hope and disappointment and I couldn’t deal with it anymore.

I hated it and I was out of Ryan’s car before he’d even fully pulled up at my house.

He followed me, but I didn’t really want to hear what he had to say. I couldn’t handle anymore fucking confusion.

“I’m trying,” he tried yelling when he couldn’t get me to stop by calling my name. This new technique totally worked. I turned around.

“I don’t know what to say, dude, but I’m here, right? That’s gotta count because I can’t think of any else,” he said, having trouble looking at me. “I want you to…I mean…” He clenched his jaw and shook his head. “My side of the lunch table is lower than it usually is. Chloe’s too light to even it out with her weight and I thought…”

Ryan is taller when his body is taut with tension. I noticed, because I don’t think I’d ever seen him so nervous before. It’s not possible, really, to talk without breathing but Ryan was giving it his best shot.

I was so fucking stupid. One silent ride and I’m all about throwing up my hands and running away? How stupid was that? He was _there_ and he was right; it _did_ count.

He looked _scared_ standing there in front of me. It’s ridiculous because Ryan doesn’t get scared, but he _was_. It threw me for a second, and then a second longer when I realized _why_ he was afraid.

Because of me. Like he was afraid I’d tell _him_ to fuck off. The same thing that I’d been afraid of every time I talked to him.

He was… asking me to come back. I think he even thought he was apologizing in his way—I’m not sure Ryan actually knows how to say ‘sorry’, but I’m pretty sure that’s what he thought he was doing. It was a lame apology, at best, but I wasn’t about to get picky.

But I couldn’t say ‘it’s okay, all’s forgiven’ because he’d never actually said the words. So, I accepted his apology the only way I knew how.

I still knew Ryan. I was just being stupid. Thinking of him as a normal person and he’s just…not.

“Are you calling me fat?” I asked, forcing a grin.

He choked out a laugh that sounded somewhere between amused and hysterical. “Totally,” he said, nodding and letting out a long breath.

I sighed, shaking my head. “Ry…” I started because, whether he was going to hit me or not, I felt like I needed to say something about what we were actually talking about.

He shook his head. “Just bring your ass to lunch tomorrow,” he said, backing away. “I can’t listen to one more explanation about the cosines, sines, and tangents, or whatever the fuck without someone to help me find better things to talk about. Plus, Chloe’s different when we’re alone.”

I stared at him for a second, not ready to give up, but… what was the point? It would only start a fight and I didn’t really give a shit if we talked about anything as long as we could go _back_ to how we used to be.

“So you’re saying you need me because Chloe won’t give you her desserts at lunch?”

“There’s that too,” he said with a smirk as he nodded.

“I thought you needed time to figure out how to talk to me or whatever,” I blurted before he could stop me. I know, I was totally looking the gift horse in the mouth, or whatever the expression was, but I couldn’t help it. I didn’t want to get my hopes up if he was just going to change his mind again.

“Yeah, that was a bad plan,” he said, and his tone was casual enough but he was avoiding my eyes again. “Turns out, I can’t actually learn how to talk to you if I don’t even try. So, I figured I should just take my head out of my ass—actually, that part was Chloe’s idea—and try it this way. If I fuck up…” he rolled his eyes at himself. “I’m _going_ to fuck up, just so you know.”

“You’re talking to me just fine right now,” I pointed out, wondering if I should knock wood just in case.

“Yeah, but I practiced this conversation,” he said, grinning smugly. “Chloe made me practice. She thinks you’re a whining _girl_ by the way. That’s how she played your part, anyway.”

The most troubling part about hearing that was that I thought she might be right. I wasn’t ever going to say that out loud though.

“Bitch,” I said instead, frowning and Ryan laughed.

“Look,” he said, biting his lower lip after his laughter died down. “Me and Chloe were going to try putting together that baby swing her mom bought last week. Did you wanna…?” he trailed off, frowning.

“Did I wanna—what?” I urged him on.

He opened his mouth to answer, but he seemed to be having issues with forming words. I could definitely relate and I waited patiently for him to go on.

“Is Shane…I mean, do you have plans?” he asked, shoulders going all taut with tension again.

“Oh,” I said, frowning. “Uhm…yeah, but I’ll just call…”

“Nah,” he shook his head quickly. “It’s cool. Uhm… we’ll be at her house. Whenever you guys are…finished.”

“ _What_?” I asked, and regretted it immediately. I wasn’t sure I wanted to know what he meant by that.

Ryan looked appalled. “I have no idea. Just…bring your homework when you come over,” he said and took off before I could really hop onto his train of thought.

I felt like running. I don’t know why, except that, right then, I couldn’t really think of _anything_ to be upset about. Ryan…Ryan was back. Sort of. I felt like I was filling up with…hot air or something and I needed to _run_ to get it out of me. So, I did. All the way to Shane’s house. It was a waste of gas for him to drive the short distance to my house anyway.

And when I got there and he asked, I had no answer for why I couldn’t stop smiling.


	14. Chapter 14

I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t a little bit awkward, hanging out with Ryan again. It was. Mostly because I think we were both paying really close attention to everything we said. I didn’t want to scare him off and… I’m not sure what his excuse was.

It was weird. I’d never been uncomfortable with Ryan before, but everything was…different. I refused to sit on a bed if he was already on it and I kept waiting for him to yell at me for coming too close. I just wanted to forget about…everything that had happened over the last couple of weeks with him, but it was damn near impossible.

I’m pretty sure it was my fault. For the most part, everything was normal. We could talk and joke around and everything—Ryan never mentioned the past couple of weeks and if he didn’t want to talk about it, I wasn’t going to bring it up. But I couldn’t bring myself to hang out with him alone. I was terrified that he might...I don’t know, freak out or something. I didn’t want him to think I was trying anything.

And Ryan? It was easy to see that he held back with me. There were definitely times when I felt like he was going to say something…but then he’d back down. He’d open his mouth and start a sentence and then shrug it off. And… then there was that word. ‘Fag’. He still said it, only it was worse now, because he’d turn to shoot _me_ an apologetic look, which was a nice gesture, I guess, but I could do without it. I just wanted to go back to being normal.

We were both trying way too hard. It wasn’t the natural, easy going friendship I was used to. We could still laugh at each other or whatever, but I know _I_ forced it half the time. When something funny happened and I laughed…I wasn’t really laughing at the situation as much as I was just… trying to get back to the way we used to be.

And I could see Ryan doing it too. It sucked. Overall, everything sucked, but it was definitely better than losing my best friend completely so I was willing to stick it out.

It was Chloe that finally got fed up and demanded we acknowledge the purple elephant and get over it. I didn’t even know that she noticed it. I didn’t think we were being obvious.

We both pretended not to know what she was talking about, but she proceeded to tell Ryan he had to make up for being such a dick. I didn’t really care one way or the other, I was just…glad we were talking again, but she insisted… and I went along with it because… well, mostly because it was funny.

“No,” Ryan said, shaking his head as he stared at me. “I’m not doing it. I refuse. I’d rather eat horse shit. Can’t we just find some horses?”

“Uhm…first off, eww. That’s gross. And second, you already agreed,” Chloe countered, grinning. “You were an ass and now you have to make up for it. You promised.”

Ry snorted. “I’m a _liar_. Where the hell have you been?”

“Don’t be such a pussy,” I chimed in with a grin of my own. It was amusing but, I was forcing it, and I only spoke so that I could keep up the act—like nothing had changed. We were picking up where we left off before everything fell apart.

Ry glared. “Fuck you. This is cruel. I was never this cruel, so this is unfair.”

“You’re the one that suggested it,” Chloe informed him, rolling her eyes. “Now hurry up. I promised Dad I help him cook dinner.”

Ryan groaned. “You hate me, don’t you? That’s what this is about, right? You both hate me.”

I sighed. “No one hates you, Ryan,” I said, and I meant to call him an overdramatic loser, after that, except, I remembered that Ry had said those exact words to _me_ not too long ago and… I went silent.

Ry stared at me, watching as I frowned, jaw clenched. “Wow, dude,” he said, fidgeting with a pencil that he found on my bed. “Way to lay on the guilt.” He sighed. “Fine. I’ll do it. But if your mom murders me, I’m never speaking to you again.”

He got up and left my room and when Chloe looked at me, pressing her lips together like she was holding back laughter, I started laughing myself. Chloe was easy to be around. Things hadn’t changed with her. It was being around Ryan that was giving me a stomach ache.

“He’s never going to do it,” Chloe said, her voice muffled into the pillow she held against her face as she laughed. “But this ought to be funny anyway.”

I was pretty sure she was right. There was no way Ryan would actually go through with telling my mom what he did, but it was still amusing to torture him for a while.

At the beginning of our sophomore year, right after homecoming, Ryan said something to Chloe that really pissed her off and she took off. That was before I knew Chloe liked him, so neither of us knew what the hell was wrong with her. It was _really late_ and… we sort of panicked. I wanted to wake my parents up to get help finding her, and Ryan wanted to steal my mom’s car and do it himself.

Guess which one he did?

He ended up wrecking it and _I_ covered for him. Or rather… I played dumb when my mom asked about it. We all did. But mom knew we were lying. She parks her car in the garage. I was the only one that got in trouble for it. Not because she thought I did it; she knew I was terrified of cars. She just also knew, I was covering for one of my friends. She didn’t know which one and I refused to tell her.

Funny thing is, back then, she believed me without a word when I said it wasn’t Ryan. She figured Ryan and Chloe knew better. She trusted _them_. This is why my mother is always a little suspicious when we bring new people around. I was pretty sure she’d never forget it.

“You really think he’ll back down?” I asked Chloe, not even bothering to try and keep my laughter quiet.

“Uhm…yeah,” Chloe said, as if it should be obvious. “He doesn’t have the balls to—,”

“Ryan _Marshall_ Lucas!” My mom’s voice rang out throughout the house. “You better be… Don’t you _run_ from me. Did Jacob know about this? What—,”

She was cut off by the sound of the front door slamming.

The entire house was silent and Chloe and I stared at each other, jaws open in shock…and then, my mother’s footsteps came pounding up the stairs.

“Oh shit,” Chloe and I chorused, jumping to our feet, eyes widening.

“This was a really bad idea,” Chloe said, pacing my room.

I nodded. “Come on,” I said, grabbing my jacket. “Window.”

Chloe climbed out first, just as my mom started jiggling my doorknob.

“Open this door, Jacob,” she said, stern. “Right now.”

“Hurry up,” I said, pushing Chloe out onto the roof of the porch. “She’s coming.”

“I can hear you,” my mom said. “You’re not in trouble…open this door.” She banged harder. “Where do you plan on hiding, Jacob? Your room isn’t that big.”

“It’s a trick,” I told Chloe, climbing out to join her.

“Where the hell are we going to go?” She asked, inching her way to the edge. “You have to go home sooner or later. God, this is so stupid. My mother is going to kill me.”

I rolled my eyes, walking to the side of the roof where we could climb down the tree.

“You’re mother can barely walk,” I informed her. “She waddles. You can run from her. And I’ll come home when my mom has had time to remember I was already punished for this particular crime. Now shut up and move before she catches on… or learns how to unlock my door.”

“God,” Chloe said, grabbing a branch and stepping out into the tree as I held her from behind. “This is definitely the stupidest thing I’ve ever done. I need new friends.”

“This is going to be funny later,” I assured her, stepping into the tree after her with ease. I’d done it a million times. “Just watch.”

We went to Ryan’s house. It took forever to climb out of the tree with Chloe’s complaining and her insistence that it was never, ever going to be anywhere near funny. But it was totally already funny. I couldn’t stop laughing once we got to Ry’s.

And Ryan couldn’t either.

It was awkward, telling him about it. I couldn’t look directly in his eyes for too long because—I don’t know why, but I couldn’t help but think it would make him uncomfortable. I just… couldn’t wait for this awkward bullshit to be over. I wondered if it ever would be.

“Oh, this was so worth it,” Ryan said and ducked when Chloe chucked a pencil at him. “Even if JM calls my dad. Totally worth it.”

I nodded, spinning around in Ry’s computer chair. “My dad is gonna think it was hilarious. He’ll try to be all angry because my mom wants him to be… but it’s never going to work.”

“Yeah?” Chloe snapped angrily. “Well, my mom’s going to go into labor. Fuck you both.”

“Shut up,” Ry said, rolling his eyes. “You won’t get in trouble. You never do. Your mom is awesome.”

“She doesn’t like it when we piss Jake’s mom off. She thinks it’s disrespectful…and, if she finds out about the _car_ …” Chloe said and threw herself back onto Ryan’s bed.

“Come on, Chlo,” Ryan said, sitting at the end of the bed and pulling her feet into his lap. I raised an eyebrow at that, but no one was paying attention to me.

“Fuck off,” Chloe said, kicking him. “I’m being serious.”

“Chill, Chlo,” I said and rolled my eyes, but I was looking at Ryan. He wasn’t laughing anymore, and I really didn’t get it. Chloe threw fits every time we acted like dumb asses. I didn’t get why he was letting it kill his buzz.

“We’ll tell your mom it was all us. I like it when she lectures me. She always does it with chocolates,” I added, because, that was the way it was supposed to be. Chlo would get mad and Ry and I would work together to…make it stop.

“Yeah,” Ry chimed in, smiling again. “Your mom is way less terrifying than Jake’s.”

I suppose I could have pretended to be offended, but I agreed with him.

Chloe shook her head and we went silent, waiting for her to say something. It wouldn’t do to piss her off. My mom’s scary, yeah, but Chloe’s worse. Chloe _bites_.

She sighed, after a moment. I grinned. I like it when she caves.

“Fine,” she said. “You know, you weren’t actually supposed to go through with it, right?” she continued, turning to glare at Ryan. “We were kidding, you jackass.”

“You should have said _that_ sooner,” Ryan countered. “I waited in the hall for a full minute before I went to tell.”

“A minute?” Chloe responded, incredulous. “Christ, you’re impatient.”

Ry rolled his eyes and the two of them went back to arguing, but it was the playful kind of arguing. The kind of arguing I used to pretend to hate. I missed it, really and I couldn’t figure out a way to…jump in anymore. Like I used to. I felt like I didn’t quite fit and, I was starting to feel a little…bitter, I guess, about all the time the two of them had spent together without me. I was their friend and it used to be… so easy. The three of us worked well together.

Now, it felt like three wasn’t actually company.

“…right Jake?” This from Chloe and I looked up from the spot on my jeans that I’d been staring at.

“What?” I asked feeling awkward under their gazes. “Sorry, I was totally zoning.”

“Oh, right. Space cadet,” Ry said, grinning and the fact that it was a genuine grin, helped with the odd churning feeling in my stomach. “I remember that,” he added, rolling his eyes.

“Bite me,” I said because it’s what I normally would have said. I felt a little like I was going through the motions with him. Sticking to what I knew. It worked, but it didn’t make me feel any better. I just…I didn’t know where I stood with him and it was seriously making everything hard for me.

“Some other time,” Ryan replied with a grin that faded as soon as the words were out of his mouth. “I mean…”

I didn’t have a response. I went back to staring at my lap.

“I was kidding,” Ryan said, and I had a feeling he might be studying his lap as well. “I didn’t mean…it wasn’t an insult, bro. It was just… a joke.”

I knew that and, I wasn’t actually offended. I just wished he’d stop making a big deal about it. I wished we could go back to laughing at shit like that without him thinking about how I might take it. And without having to worry about whether or not he might think I wanted him to… bite me or whatever. I wanted him to fucking…

“ _Relax_ …” Chloe sighed, and sometimes, I feel like she can read my mind. I made a mental note to thank her sometime in the future.

“I am relaxed,” Ryan muttered.

“No, you’re not,” she said. “You guys are being weird. We’re here, right? Why can’t you two just apologize and get over it?”

It was on the tip of my tongue to ask what the hell I had to be sorry for, but I didn’t say it. I doubted it would help matters.

“We _are_ over it,” I said instead. “Right, Ryan?”

“Definitely. You’re paranoid, Chlo,” Ry responded.

Chloe gaped at both of us. “You. Are. Insane,” she said, shaking her head. “Unfortunately for you two, I don’t have time to play mediator anymore. I’ve gotta go help Dad work the stove. He’s probably started dinner already, but if there’s a God, he hasn’t figured out how to open the cupboards yet.”

Ry and I both chuckled lightly at that, but neither of us said anything as she got up and starting kicking Ryan’s clutter around to find her shoes.

Ry stood up to help her and he found them almost immediately.

“Slob,” she said when he handed them to her.

“You love it,” he said, grinning. “So, we’re doing the ice cream thing, right?”

Chloe nodded and I frowned. Ice cream thing? I mean… I guess I could understand if I wasn’t invited. I’d been gone awhile and maybe the two of them had…bonded or something equally creepy, but still. It sucked that they were talking about it right it front of me.

“You’re coming, right bro?” Ry asked, right when I’d convinced myself that I’d never fit with the two of them again.

“Huh?” I asked.

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Right, you were ‘zoning’,” he said. “I’m taking Lindsey out for ice cream and Chloe invited herself along to meet her. I’m not going unless you go. I’m not up for the torture.”

“Oh,” I said, sighing. “Yeah, bro. Whatever.”

“Cool,” he said and he turned back to Chloe. “Later?”

She nodded. And… there was something weird about them. They were different. Maybe it was because I don’t think I’d ever actually seen Ryan make it a point to walk Chloe to the door like he was doing or maybe it was because I’d never seen Chloe wait for him to say goodbye before leaving…but it was weird. Definitely.

But obviously nothing had changed. I wasn’t sure, but I thought I remembered hearing about Lindsey from Chloe. Ryan’s new, ‘never-gonna-last-girlfriend’. Whatever.

“So,” I started when the silence Chloe left us in got to be too much. “Lindsey? Lindsey the book geek? Branching out, dude?”

“She’s hot,” he responded, shrugging and avoiding my eyes. “She’s sort of cool, too. Like…funny.”

“Right,” I said and the conversation ended there, because I had nothing else to say. I didn’t want to just… jet right after Chloe left. I wasn’t comfortable being with him alone, but I didn’t want him to know that. And… I didn’t want it to be true. I wanted to be able to just chill with him. I wanted to believe it was possible.

But it wasn’t.

“Well,” I said, clearing my throat. “I’m gonna… go do homework.”

Lamest excuse I’d ever come up with, especially since we already did homework with Chloe. I didn’t care. Sitting there in silence with someone I’d never had trouble making conversation with before was depressing and I wanted to get away from it as soon as possible.

I stood up to leave.

“The thing is,” Ry blurted, before I’d even taken a step. “That we’re never gonna be cool unless we actually talk about it.”

I stared at him, trying to do the thing where I ask him what the hell he’s talking about with my eyes, but it doesn’t work unless he’s looking at me, so it was pointless. I sat down and waited for him to continue.

“But we’re not going to talk,” he went on. “I’m gonna… say some things. And then you’re gonna pretend it never happened, okay?”

“Uhm…what?” I asked, bemused.

“Shut up,” Ryan said. He fidgeted with the covers on his bed before looking up. Not at me, at something outside his window, but that was cool. I was pretty sure I understood. I had trouble with eye contact when I was trying to talk too.

“Alright,” he sighed. “I don’t like Shane. He’s an asshole and…he’s not…I just don’t think you should be around him.”

I frowned at that, immediately wanting to argue, but he continued before I got the chance.

“I get that you like him. And… he might be fun to hang with… I know he is, but he’s not… he’s just not a good guy, Jake. But, whatever. I won’t say anything else about it.”

I frowned deeper. I didn’t like that, or where the conversation was going, but I wasn’t about to walk away. I was done doing that. It never helped anything.

“The gay thing,” he went on and now _he_ was frowning. “I don’t think it’s… I don’t get it. It doesn’t make a lot of sense, but so far… I don’t think I give a shit. If you want to fuck guys—,”

“ _Why_ does everyone jump there? No one’s fucking. There’s no fucking going on anywhere,” I snapped bitterly.

“You know what I mean,” he shot back. “And shut up. You’re not supposed to talk. I’m trying to pretend you’re not really here.”

I rolled my eyes and sat back in my seat.

“The point is,” he continued. “I don’t think it should be a big deal. It’s _not_. Mostly. I don’t care that you like…guys. It’s weird, but whatever, dude. Your life. Your dick. I figure it’d make me at least a little bit queer to care what you do with it. That’s not what my issue is.”

I looked up at him, trying to meet his eyes. My heart was pounding in my chest and… I was trying to play it cool; I really was, but… I’m pretty sure that he was about to give me the answer that I’d been waiting to hear. Which is odd, considering I didn’t even know what the question was, but I froze as I waited for it and it suddenly wasn’t a problem to keep my mouth shut.

“My problem is… I don’t know how to act,” he said. “If it were anything else, I’d just tell you that you were a freak and make fun of you until you wanted to dig a hole and bury yourself alive, like I usually do. I’d laugh at you, because that’s what I do and you’d threaten to kick my ass because that’s what you do. And then Chloe would kick both our asses to settle everything up.”

I laughed. It was strange, but hearing that out loud… I think it was what I wanted to. I wasn’t sure how I’d react to being made fun of… about the gay thing. I still wasn’t completely okay with it, but the scenario he laid out was preferable to the dance we were currently doing around the subject.

“You can,” I offered, and I already knew I was going to regret it. I just didn’t care. “You can try it… that way.”

He nodded. “I was going to,” he said. “I just thought I’d tell you in advance. I’m an asshole, but mostly I’m kidding.”

I nodded. I knew that.

Ryan sighed. “Good. We’re done. So… you don’t have to keep leaving whenever Chloe does. We’re good, bro.”

I raised an eyebrow at him and opened my mouth to ask a question that I wasn’t even sure I wanted the answer to, but… I had to know.

“You’re not… afraid that I’m gonna—you know—try something?”

He grimaced at the spot on the wall he was currently staring at. “No,” he replied. “I mean… I wasn’t. You’re not, right?”

“ _No_ ,” I responded quickly. “I just… I thought you’d think—,”

“I don’t,” he interrupted, fidgeting. “It’s cool.”

“Good.”

“Yeah,” he said. And the awkward silence was back. I can’t speak for Ryan, but… I got that we were going to try…’fixing things’ a different way. I just didn’t know how to start.

Ryan took care of that. “Wanna go find some roaches to put in my dad’s closet so he thinks we have an infestation?”

I laughed. It felt like relief.

“What for?” I asked, standing up.

Ryan shrugged. “He usually bombs the house a couple times when I do. It’ll give me a good excuse to crash at your place or Chloe’s for the next couple nights.”

“You…” I started, losing my grin. “You’d be cool sleeping over still?”

Ry froze where he was bent over, picking up his jacket. I wished I hadn’t asked. I could be so fucking stupid.

“I mean… forget it, bro,” I said, frowning. “It doesn’t matter.”

Ry stood up, turning around to look at me.

“I can sleep on the floor,” he said, shrugging.

I grinned. It wasn’t… I had a feeling we were never going to be like we used to be. Things _had_ changed, no matter how much I wanted to deny it. Things were going to be different.

But I could handle that. No one stays the same forever, and I could handle that. Ryan and I were still best friends, even if _everything_ else changed. Ryan and I were solid.

Everything else….well, fuck it. It didn’t matter.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was easier hanging out with Shane when I didn’t have to worry about Ryan. Much easier. I finally understood what Shane was going on about when he said that this was supposed to be the fun part. And it _was_ fun. For me.

Things had just started getting good with Shane when I went and fucked everything up with Ryan. And… somewhere during that disaster, I think I forgot why I had such a hard time staying away from Shane. I forgot why I liked him so much. I just knew that I did. I liked the way he made me feel and I think I sort of just… fed on it. I didn’t really pay much attention to what it was about him that made me feel the way I did. It was all stupid shit, like the way he smelled. Or the way he’d look at me when I popped up at his house, like I was the best thing that could have happened all day and it was weird because I don’t think I did anything to deserve it. Ever.

I liked the way he could make just about anything funny, and I loved the random comments he was constantly making during movies, or…pretty much all the time. I liked the way he touched me and I couldn’t get enough of the way his voice, low and raspy sounded in my ear when he leaned close to tell me something he didn’t want anyone else to hear—even if no one else was around. I stopped paying attention to all those things at some point… and that sucked.

I was paying attention now, though, which was… good because there was a lot about Shane I didn’t know yet. And I wanted to know him. The more I knew, the more I liked, and… liking Shane was definitely a good feeling.

Shane doesn’t like swimming. Or… that’s not really true, he likes it, he just doesn’t really care about it the way Ryan and I do. I mean, it isn’t everything to me, but I think I’d go even crazier than I already am if I couldn’t be in a pool from time to time. Ryan… he says it’s the only thing he’s good at.

But Shane? He doesn’t care one way or the other. It’s ‘something to do’ and he likes the competition, but he wouldn’t be upset if he couldn’t do it.

Seems like something I should have known, right? I didn’t and I was a little shocked to hear it because Shane was _good_. The front crawl is pretty much my only trick…I can’t do anything else to save my life and I’d drown if I tried to do the backstroke. Or…I’d drown if I tried to do it _fast_. But that was Shane’s swim and he was really _good_ at it. It was just…really weird finding out he didn’t really care about it. But, cool too, because I was finally paying attention, and I liked knowing things about him.

What Shane really likes, is baseball and I must have really had my head up my ass to have missed that little fact because it was sort of obvious. He likes it so much that he throws food at the television screen when things don’t go his way and he sort of ignores me until the game is over. I didn’t mind it so much. It was almost as fun for me watching _him_ as it was for him, watching the game.

I liked it. It was what I wanted—to know more of him. I remembered back when I first met him, knowing more of him seemed to be all I could think about…but I’d stopped and now I had to drop in on him unexpectedly to find out stupid obvious things—like the baseball thing. He used to just… tell me things like that, whenever it came up. He’d stopped doing that and I wasn’t so stupid that I couldn’t figure out when it happened.

He stopped telling me when I stopped paying attention. _I_ was pretty much the only thing that Shane and I ever talked about when we were together and that fact wasn’t lost on me. I felt like I owed him an apology for that… I just didn’t know how to do it. I’m not good with shit like that.

Yes, I am the lowest form of shit known to man. But, I was trying to move on from that, because I _knew_ Shane liked me and I couldn’t figure out _why_. I was an _asshole_ to him on a daily basis and I wanted to—I don’t know, finally give him a reason to like me. He’d given me plenty.

And I wanted him to know I liked him back. Because honestly, making out aside, I don’t think he knew.

“Baseball?” I’d asked him the day I found out that he’d liked the sport. I’d actually asked him the question three times already _during_ the game, but he’d given me the same answer every time. A very brief ‘hmm’.

‘Yeah,” he said, finally turning to grin at me. “Hi,” he added, and I almost laughed out loud at the way his eyes lit up the way they normally did whenever he saw me. It wouldn’t have been so out of place if I hadn’t already been at his house for an hour.

“Hi,” I said, shaking my head, before repeating. “Baseball? You never said you liked it.”

His grin faded and he rolled his eyes. “Yeah, I did. After school, that day you went with Ryan to talk, or whatever. The first time, I mean. I was telling you about how I hated swim practice.”

He went on to explain and for the life of me, I couldn’t remember him saying any such thing. I remembered leaving practice, waiting for Shane to finish changing…and running into Ryan in the parking lot before he took me to Impossible Dream. I had no memory, whatsoever, of any sort of conversation between Shane and I.

“Well,” Shane said, laughing at the bemused look on my face. “You were a little… preoccupied. I guess. With Ryan and everything.”

“Shane…” I sighed, frowning at my idiocy. “I’m sorry…”

“Nah, dude,” he snorted, elbowing me lightly in the side. “It’s no big deal. It’s not like it’s important.”

I raised an eyebrow. “You threw onions at your television,” I informed him. “That seems important.”

“Not really,” he shot back with a grin. “I hate onions. My dad just insists on putting them on our subs.” He stood up, abruptly, reaching out a hand to help me. “Come on. Let’s go up to my room.”

I followed him. I really hated being down in his living room…out in the open. Mostly because, even if no one was in the room with us, we were never really alone. And Shane’s little sisters had a habit of just popping up out of nowhere at the worst possible times. I swear it was like they were waiting for one of us to get comfortable enough to actually move closer and they’d seize the opportunity to run in, screaming.

“Our school has a team,” I told Shane as we entered his room. “A baseball team, I mean. I heard it was pretty good.”

It was a little awkward, talking about it. Not because of the subject, obviously. It was just…awkward in the way that I felt bad about not listening the first time he’d told me about himself and I was a little worried that I’d slip and ram my foot into my mouth again.

“No,” he responded grinning. “It _was_ good. When I was on it.”

“You were on the baseball team?” I asked, genuinely interested. That’s the thing… I wasn’t faking it. I really did kind of want to know, because knowing anything about Shane was…good. Definitely good.

He shrugged in response. “Awhile ago,” he replied. “Did you want to put on a movie or something?”

“You quit?” I asked, ignoring his question. It felt like he was avoiding the subject, but I couldn’t imagine _why_ he would, so I figured I was imagining it. I do that sometimes. It’s the paranoia thing. “Why?”

He shrugged. “Don’t know,” he said and then he turned to me grinning. “It was really hot one day when I was on my way to practice and I saw the pool and hot boys in Speedos. I got a little sidetracked. Decided to join the swim team.”

I laughed, rolling my eyes at him. “Shut up, I was being serious,” I said, kicking him in the ankle.

“So was _I_ ,” he insisted, dropping onto the bed. I mirrored the action.

I nudged him with my shoulder, more for contact than anything else. It was sort of…habit to touch him whenever we were alone and he was close enough.

“Stop,” I said, smiling at him.

“Stop what?”

“Why won’t you tell me?” I asked, losing my smile bit by bit. “Did your friend, like, hit your mom in the head with a baseball and…”

“That was Simon Birch,” he interrupted before I could finish. “We watched that movie last week. Jackass.”

“I know,” I smirked. “You totally cried.”

“Shut up,” he glared. “I did not.”

“Did so.”

“So _not_.”

“Why’d you quit the baseball team?” I asked, because even if that trick never works, it’s worth a shot every once in awhile.

“Why are you acting like you care?” he snapped back. Yeah, snapped. It was totally out of nowhere. I really had no idea what I’d done wrong.

But it wasn’t the fact that he’d snapped at me that had me freezing up, with absolutely no idea what to say. It was the question.

I _did_ care. I wasn’t just ‘acting’ like it. I cared. That was why I stuck with the conversation, even though it was awkward, because I fucking liked him, just as much as he liked me, if not more, and I finally wanted him to _know_ that.

Seriously, I couldn’t figure out what I’d said wrong. It could have had something to do with the way I’d apparently ignored him the first time we’d talked about the baseball thing, but even that didn’t explain the angry look he had on his face.

I cleared my throat. “I just… I wanted to…” I shook my head. There was no way I’d ever be able to explain any of my bullshit out loud. It was about time I stopped trying.

“I’m sorry,” I said, instead. “I just kind of wanted to know. We don’t really talk about you.” I shrugged, standing up to walk toward the movies. “I was just curious, bro. So, what movie did you want to watch?”

“You were… curious?” he asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “Why?”

I just shrugged. “We could finish the movie we started last time I was…”

“Shut up,” he snapped, standing up to grab my arm and pull me back to the bed. “I don’t want to watch a movie anymore. I want you to finish what you were saying.”

I frowned. “Shut up?”

He shrugged, sighing. “Well… not ‘shut up’. Just stop trying to change the subject.”

“You started it,” I said, and then cringed immediately afterward. I really couldn’t have picked something lamer to say. What was I, five?

Shane raised an eyebrow at me. “Why are you being an ass?” he asked, shaking his head at me, moving back on his bed until he was against the wall.

“Because _you_ were,” I said, honestly, mentally kicking myself.

Shane didn’t respond at first and I waited for him to tell me what an immature, idiot I was but he didn’t.

He laughed. “Yeah, well… let’s both stop.”

I nodded and he shot me a smile.

“So, why’d you want to know?” he asked, leaning his head back against the wall.

I shrugged. I wasn’t good at… talking about things. But, I wasn’t exactly prepared to go home and write him a cheesy ass letter and as far as I know, there aren’t any other ways of communicating, so I was pretty much fucked.

“I like you,” I said, shoving my hands in my pockets to keep from fidgeting. I couldn’t look at him. “And…I don’t know. I was just asking. But… it’s not like it’s a big deal, I don’t need to kn—umm.”

Num? That’s how ‘know’ sounds when someone interrupts you with their tongue. I was almost offended. I mean, I was _talking_. I was taking steps and shit. It was rude to interrupt.

“I like you too,” he told me when he pulled away and I rolled my eyes.

“Really? I didn’t know.” Sarcasm. It’s what I do.

“Yeah, you did,” he responded, oblivious. “But I already knew you liked me too, so we’re even.”

“You did?” I asked, before I could stop myself, but he didn’t seem at all shocked by the question. He just kissed the corner of my mouth, nodding.

“Totally,” he said keeping his expression serious. “People that don’t like me usually start throwing fits when I try and do this.” He kissed me again. “Punches get thrown. Lips start bleeding. It’s not fun.”

“You kiss random people that don’t like you?” I asked, grinning because… I couldn’t really help it. It’s hard not to smile when he gets like that.

“Nah, just that once with you,” he sighed.

I laughed, rolling my eyes. “Shut up,” I said, pulling him in, but he stopped me. And honestly, if he kept pushing me away right when I got up the guts to actually make a move, I was just going to quit trying.

“I don’t like the pitcher,” he said, looking straight into my eyes. “Or… he didn’t like me, and now I can’t stand him.”

It only took me a second to catch up and get on the same page as him, but I got there quickly enough.

“You’re still on the swim team and you don’t like Toby,” I pointed out, cautiously because I wasn’t sure if he was okay talking about that.

He looked thoughtful for a second, before he shrugged. “Tobias… is different. I don’t like him, but I don’t hate him either.”

“But, you do hate the pitcher on the baseball team?”

Shane nodded, biting his lower lip. “I get kind of sick whenever he’s around. I don’t really like thinking about it.”

I wasn’t sure if I should ask or not. Why, I mean. I wanted to know what someone could have possibly done that would make him worse than _Toby_ , but I wasn’t sure if it’d be cool to ask about it.

But Shane was still sitting there, really close, fingers playing at the collar of my shirt, as he waited for me to go on.

I cleared my throat. “What happened?” I asked, my voice barely a whisper. It seemed less nosy when I did it that way. “What did he do?”

Shane cocked his head to the side, staring at me like he wasn’t sure he should tell me or not. I fought the urge to take it back and tell him he didn’t have to tell me. The way he was hesitating had me wondering if I really wanted to hear it.

He sighed, pulling off of me and moving back to lean against the wall.

“Nothing,” he said, and turned to smile at me. “I mean…not nothing, but…” he bit his lip and there was something very disturbing about the smile on his face. It was just… fake. It looked like he was fighting to keep it there, but for _once_ , I didn’t feel like he was doing it for me, to keep me calm.

“You don’t have to tell me, dude,” I told him, moving closer. He moved away.

“He outed me,” he blurted shrugging. “It’s no big deal; just… he said some things, afterward.”

The logical thing for me to have said is ‘I’m sorry’ or I could have asked ‘what things?’ but I didn’t. The second the words were out of his mouth, I went straight to going through any and all information I had about the baseball team and who the pitcher was so I could stay the fuck away from him. Away from even the slightest risk that someone _else_ might find out about me.

And then I kicked myself. I really shouldn’t have been surprised that Shane didn’t think I really cared. Apparently, I was an expert at making everything about _me_.

Which sucked, but it didn’t stop me from asking the question I knew I was going to go home and look up in my yearbook if he didn’t tell me.

“Who was it?” I asked, softly.

Shane shrugged. “Doesn’t matter.”

“It kind of does,” I replied, nervous. “What if… I mean… how did he find out about you? Did he just… I mean, how did he know? Did you tell him?”

Apparently, I’d said something hilarious, because Shane broke down into fits of laughter.

“Not…exactly,” he said.

“Then what?” I asked, urgently. I honestly wasn’t trying to be a dick and… it was his moment, I know, but I was terrified. It’s stupid because it’s not like there’s a neon green flashing sign over my head that says ‘Look, a queer’, but… panicking is what I’m good at.

“He was my… friend,” Shane said, and he smiled for all of two seconds, before he just gave up and dropped back against the wall, hitting his head against it. It looked painful.

And I felt like shit. He so obviously didn’t want to talk about it.

“He and I used to…well, I mean, we weren’t together, it was just a thing. A lot of… _things_ , but…”

_Oh_. Know how I’m not the jealous type? Well, see…I don’t think I’d ever had anything to be jealous of before. I didn’t even think there was a reason for it then, and I shook the feeling off fairly quickly, but still… I didn’t like it.

There was also… confusion. I didn’t get why this guy, whoever the fuck he was, would tell anyone. And I didn’t get how he got away with doing it without outing himself in the process. I’d been paying attention and I was pretty sure the only known gay guy at our school was Shane.

“Oh,” I said aloud, nodding.

“Yeah,” Shane nodded right along with me as he fidgeted with the hole in the knee of his jeans. “Oh.”

“Shane, I’m…” I shook my head. “Sorry?” I was positive that was a pretty pathetic thing to say, but he shot me a smile.

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “Anyway, he sort of got scared and told people some things. Like…he said that I tried to…you know…” he cringed shaking his head. “Which is stupid because _he_ started it, but obviously he wasn’t going to admit that.”

And just… what a _dick_. Actually, I didn’t know a word good enough for this guy. It was…wow. Shane… I imagined it wasn’t fun being Shane. I thought _I_ had problems.

“Why would…” It’s strange, but you can’t really finish sentences if you don’t know where they’re going. Imagine that.

Apparently I didn’t need to finish it, though.

Shane shrugged again. “Don’t know. But it’s sort of why most of my friends don’t speak to me. I don’t think they’d have such an issue if they weren’t afraid I’d…” He shook his head, jaw clenching. “People suck. Want some popcorn?”

I shook my head, rapidly. Not really to say ‘no’ to the popcorn thing. Mostly because the abrupt change in topic was definitely jarring and I felt like I missed something.

“No,” I said, slowly. “Shane, I’m—,”

“Sorry? Yeah, me too. So, no popcorn?” He stood up.

“Wait—what are you doing?”

He grinned. “Changing the subject. This one’s boring.”

“No, it’s not,” I countered, pulling him back. “Look, I’m sorry, I just…”

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. “I know.”

“No, you don’t,” I snapped, frustrated with the interruptions. “Listen…I’m not going to do that. What he did, I mean.” It felt important to say, because _I_ was scared shitless, just like…whoever this guy was had apparently been, but I wasn’t _that_ much of an asshole and I wondered if that was why Shane avoided serious conversation when _he_ was the topic instead of me. I wondered if he thought I’d actually try to fuck him over like that.

Shane snorted. “I know,” he said. “It’s too late to out me, bro. Everyone knows. Even the principal looks at me funny when he sees me leaving the bathroom.”

I sighed. “No, that’s not what I…wait—really?”

“Yeah,” Shane said. “I’m pretty sure he thinks ‘queer’ is synonymous with ‘rent boy’.”

“Rent boy?” I frowned.

Shane laughed. “Never mind. Come on,” he said, grabbing my arm to pull me up. “Let’s get food. My stomach’s doing that thing where it gets empty and starts bitching about it.”

“Wait,” I said, struggling to pull him back as he fought to drag me out of the room. “How do you do that?”

“Do what?” he asked, clearly impatient.

“How do you just—laugh it off and move on?” If he could provide a step by step manual, that would have actually been really helpful. Mostly, though, it was just… weird and I was having a hard time getting away from the subject. I had questions. Tons of them. Like, who the hell was this guy and why didn’t Shane out _him_ right when it all started. And why hadn’t he kicked his ass, or something. It was… troubling and I was worried that Shane might think _I_ was going to do something similar and just… I didn’t get how he could just act like it was no big deal. I didn’t get how he could go from talking about it to smiling and making jokes.

But Shane looked at me like he didn’t really understand the question.

“What else am I gonna do?” he asked frowning. “Am I supposed to dwell on it? That sounds… pointless.”

I was a little offended by that, because it was _his_ problem and I knew myself well enough to know that I’d be dwelling for the next few hours at least.

“Yeah, but, how…” I shook my head. “I mean, that just… _sucks_.”

Shane laughed. “I know,” he said. “I was there when it happened.”

“ _Shane_ …”

“I don’t want to drag you down,” he interrupted. “I figure it’s probably not why you came over. Besides, I got over it last year, when it happened. I’m good.”

Yes, that much was clear. I just wanted to know _how_ he got over it. I was sure I wouldn’t be able to if it were me.

“Anyway, you’ve got your own shit to deal with,” he continued, pulling me toward the door again. “You don’t need to hear mine.”

I damn near growled, as I ripped my arm away from him. “I _know_ ,” I snapped. “But I want to. I _want_ to know your…shit.” And good God, they should have classes in school for _this_ sort of thing, because _talking_ was something you actually needed to know how to do in the ‘real world’. I want to know your shit?

Shane cocked his head to the side and let his arm fall. He didn’t try to reach for me again; he just stood there, staring.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment. “I get that… I think.” He took a step toward me. “I want to hear you ‘shit’ too, but… can we be finished talking about _this_.”

Part of me wanted to say no, because I still didn’t know _who_ this person was, but I let it go. It wasn’t really important. I mean, it _was_ but I had my year book. I could figure it out when I got home.

I nodded. “Yeah. Whatever,” I said, shrugging. “Just… I’m really not going to get scared and… you know, lie about you. Not like he did.”

Shane smiled. “I know you’re not,” he said, quietly and he smiled again before he turned, opening the door a bit.

“And Shane?” I said and he turned back around once more, raising an expectant eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“I like you,” I blurted and frowned when I realized that sentence didn’t really feel like it belonged. I just felt like I needed to say it. Again.

Shane’s smile turned into an amused grin and he nodded. “Yeah,” he said slowly. “You said that already. I like you too.”

“Okay,” I said, shrugging. “Good.”

“Right. Good,” he echoed.

He stood there, staring at me with his hand on the door, with a look on his face like he was waiting to see if I was finished. I wasn’t… but I didn’t really know what else I wanted to say. I just...didn’t feel finished.

“…I really am hungry,” Shane went on, slowly. “So… if we are going to keep doing the conversation thing, I’ll need some sustenance.” He grinned, chewing on his lower lip and I got a little distracted, but that was good, because I knew why I wasn’t finished yet.

I don’t think I intended to delay him too long. I was hungry too, sort of. I just—Shane may have been able to just stop thinking about this _guy_ and move on, but I couldn’t just drop it like that. I needed a little help getting my mind off it.

“Then we won’t talk anymore,” I told him, stepping forward, but when he grinned and turned to leave, I pulled him back.

“We can eat in a minute,” I said, when he frowned questioningly, keeping my voice barely above a whisper as I stepped closer to him. “Just…” I took a breath as I reached past him to close the door where he’d opened it a crack and locking it, just in case. “In a minute.”

He was smirking, but I wasn’t really in the mood to analyze it. I wanted to kiss him.

So I did.

No hesitation. No pausing. Didn’t even feel awkward about it. I just moved in and pressed my lips firmly against his.

He stumbled a bit, backing up until his back was against his door, apparently shocked, though he had to have seen it coming. I wasn’t exactly great with subtlety.

“Yeah,” he whispered against my lips and it tickled a bit. “Food can wait.”

I think I probably made time to kiss Shane multiple times a day. It’d quickly become my favorite thing to do. I liked the way that no matter how many times we did it, it always made my mind blissfully blank. I was always looking for an excuse to get close enough to him that he’d get the hint and move in and he always did. But I don’t think I was ever going to get used to how it felt.

His lips were so fucking soft when I kissed him. Smooth. They slid against mine easily and the feeling made warmth spread throughout my chest, into my stomach. The feeling only got worse…or better depending on how you look at it, when he slid his tongue into my mouth to tangle with mine. I always got drunk on the feeling and it really is pathetic how quickly he can make me lose myself in him. In the feelings.

And then he touched me—slowly at first, softly trailing his finger tips up the sides of my chest, before wrapping me up in his arms, his grip firm. He’d done it a ton of times before but it always sent shivers up and down my spine and made the hair on my arms and back of my neck stand at attention. It was an odd feeling, but I definitely liked it. I doubted I’d get used to it anytime soon and I was _glad_. I didn’t want to get used to it. I _never_ wanted to get used to any of it.

Like… Shane’s chest. It was hard against mine and…if he’d just kiss me a little harder, a little deeper, I might be able to lose myself just enough to be able to touch it, the way I always wanted to, feeling it against mine. I might be able to run my hands over it and find out of it really is as…hot as it feels. I could feel heat coming off him in waves… or I thought I could. It might have been just me, but I wouldn’t know unless I could touch.

But I’d never been able to. I’d come close, a few times but, I’d never really been able to slid my hands up his shirt and… _touch_.

Fortunately, Shane had no such issues with touching me.

Shane’s hands were always cold but it shocked the hell out of me when he slid a hand just under the back of my shirt and it made contact with my skin. I shuddered violently against him, breaking our kiss as I let out a sigh, trying to get used to it. Shane just gripped my hip with his other hand and pulled me closer, nipping at the corners of my lips. Gently and it was… _good_ and my arms were shaking when I lifted them to wrap them around him. First around his waist, but that didn’t work with where his hands were and then we were both scrambling, pulling and pushing at each other until we finally found a comfortable position, me with my hands clenched in the front of his shirt and his arms around me, pulling me closer still.

He moved in to kiss me again, leaving off with the gentle nipping and I sighed when his tongue entered my mouth, warm and wet. I thrust my tongue back into Shane’s mouth and he let out a noise somewhere between a gasp and a choked _sob_ … or maybe that was me.

I didn’t care. It didn’t matter. I felt dizzy and a little drunk and food could fuck off, because I definitely needed more than a minute.

It was intense. Kissing Shane was always somewhat intense, but…not like it was right then. I was quickly losing any ability I may have had left to think and everything was spinning out of control far to fast for me to keep up with. It was almost… too much. I was breathing heavily through my nose and his hands—Christ, his hands were _every fucking where_. It was getting hard to stay on my feet and _I_ was hard and… it was all too much and not enough at the same time. Or maybe it was too much _because_ it wasn’t enough. I felt like I needed more… of something. I just wasn’t sure what it was.

Shane slid his hand further up the back of my shirt and it was a little… terrifying…but I didn’t want it to stop. It felt good, having his hand against me. Against my skin. My skin was hot all over and I swore I could feel every touch more than I normally would have. I was way too… sensitive and my body was tingling.

Shane’s hand burned against my skin and he slid it around my side, over my chest, fingers flitting lightly over my nipple and I broke our kiss as my mouth dropped open in a silent gasp. I clenched my hands tighter in his shirt. I felt like I was falling—probably because, I was _literally_ falling. My legs decided they didn’t want to work anymore and Shane’s hand left my chest to wrap back around me to keep me up.

“We should…” he started, breathlessly, eyes still closed, forehead against mine. “We should probably…”

“Stop talking,” I ordered, and I kissed him again and this time, I was sure the noise—the soft moan that seemed unbearably loud in the otherwise silent room—came from Shane as his arms tightened around me once more.

And then I felt it. Or rather, I felt _him_ …his cock, pressing into the lower part of my stomach. It… didn’t click at first. What it meant, I mean. I wasn’t getting it and at first, the only thought I had as I continued to kiss Shane was that he was… taller than me. Which I totally hadn’t noticed before.

It took my mind a lot longer to catch up than I’m proud of, but… I did catch on. And when I did… I didn’t react like I would have guessed, having his cock against me. I was shocked, which is ridiculous, because I was pretty sure he could feel _me_ as well, but that seemed unimportant at the moment. It was just…strange, I think, but I didn’t panic, like I would have thought. I was… almost intrigued.

I know it’s stupid but part of the reason I’d always been afraid to make the first move with Shane was that… I was afraid he might not let me. Which is stupid all things considered, but it’s true. The other part was that I was afraid of what it might mean, which is also stupid because I don’t see how kissing him or touching him makes me any less gay than letting him initiate it. But my mind isn’t exactly the sharpest.

Fortunately, my mind wasn’t working at all at the moment and… he was hard. I honestly couldn’t get past that. It was the only thought I could focus on. And, I have no fucking idea _why_ or what provoked me to do it, but… he was hard and I was hard and I wanted _more_ — and my hand was sliding down his chest, and over his stomach. And I pulled away just a bit to make room…and I touched it—sliding my thumb up his length and over the head.

Shane gasped, breaking our kiss and throwing his head back and it hit the door. Painfully. Not to mention _loudly_. His eyes were clenched shut and his breath was coming in short and uneven pants and I _barely_ touched him.

“Jesus,” he said in a loud whisper, through his panting. “What are you…are you sure you—Jesus.”

I was terrified. Hearing him speak—and having him _question_ my actions, definitely wasn’t what I needed at the moment and I stepped back, breaking all contact. I stood there, staring at him, eyes wide in disbelief, wondering if it’d be _wrong_ to move him out of the way of the door so I could escape.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted, shaking my head at myself. “I don’t know, I just…” I cringed. “I don’t know.”

Shane, chest still heaving with his breathing, frowned. “Sorry for what?”

“What do you _think_?” I snapped, turning away from him and pacing the room. If I couldn’t run, that was the next best thing. “Shit.”

“Alright,” Shane said, moving to sit on his bed. “Then _why_ are you sorry?”

And he seriously didn’t know me _at all_ if he thought I was capable of answering that question.

I let out a noise somewhere between a hysterical laugh and a violent sob. “What the fuck am I doing?”

“Jake,” Shane sighed. “Seriously, this isn’t…you need to calm down. It was… _good_. And I get that you’re not ready…”

I let out a short laugh, staring up at the ceiling. “Please stop talking. And stop analyzing me. I can feel you doing it and I just need to…think.” God, I wished I could think. I wished I could make my brain work so I could figure out what I was supposed to be doing next.

“I’m sorry,” Shane said. “I just meant that…” he shrugged. “You don’t have to be sorry.”

I paused, turning to look at him. “You…freaked out.”

Shane pressed his lips together; eyes alight with something akin to amusement.

“I swear to God, Shane, if you laugh at me _now_ …”

“Shut up,” he sighed, rolling his eyes as he stood and grabbed my wrist to pull me down on the bed. “I didn’t freak out. I was good.” He grinned. “Or… good might not be the right word.”

“Why won’t you stop talking?” I asked, closing my eyes and flopping back onto his bed.

“Because you’re being stupid,” he stated simply. “I wasn’t freaking out. I liked it.”

I don’t know why I found that hard to believe. I just couldn’t get past the fact that he questioned me. He was going to ask me what I was doing. I thought that much should have been obvious, so…the only reason I could think of for his asking was that he didn’t want me to and…I seriously wanted to get the fuck out of there.

“I’ll stop talking,” he said and his voice was a lot closer than I expected it to be. So close I could feel his breath on my ear. “But I’m going to kiss you again.”

My eyes snapped open and I nearly knocked heads with him as I turned to look at him. “Shane…”

“We don’t have to go there,” he interrupted, smiling. “It’s cool. I still want to kiss you.”

And that was… disappointing. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to… I did. At least… I thought I did, I just wasn’t sure about the ‘how’. There was also my intense, if illogical, fear of rejection. But… I did want him. I knew that much.

I was just never going to say it out loud. And closed mouths don’t get fed.

Or…whatever.

“That’s not what… I wasn’t going to say that,” I said, staring at his shoulder, for no reason except that his shoulder was slightly less threatening than his eyes. “I want… _there_ , I just don’t know…”

‘How’ was the word that completed that sentence. I just couldn’t say it. It was… humiliating.

Shane stared at me for a moment, studying me and… I’d come to realize that that look is a lot easier to handle when I don’t have anything to hide. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case at the moment.

“Whatever,” Shane said, leaning in. “I’m going to kiss you now.” It sounded like a question, so I nodded, my heart pounding in my chest almost painfully.

I was shaking. It’s stupid, because it was just a kiss and I’d kissed Shane a ton of times before, but… that one seemed different. It felt different. He’d all but said we didn’t have to go any further than kissing… but I’d pretty much implied that that wasn’t exactly what I wanted. I had no idea what to expect.

“Relax,” he whispered just before his lips touched mine.

The kiss was a gentle one. Soft. I could barely feel his lips and when I tried to deepen the kiss, he pulled away, telling me to relax again. I wanted to. I really did, but it was never going to happen. He had to know that.

I felt his hand travel from my knee, up my thigh and I shook just a little bit more, but he didn’t touch me… not like I was expecting. His hand trailed up, over my stomach to my chest and he pushed me back to lie down, following me, never once breaking the light contact his lips had with mine.

I’d all but lost my erection during my panic attack, but apparently, it wasn’t down for the count. Shane was…I had no idea what he was doing. He was barely touching me at all. He backed off every time I tried to pull him closer and his fingers, playing at my chest were barely there. I wondered if it was _me_. If maybe I was getting myself worked up over nothing.

But, Shane slipped his tongue out to swipe across my lower lip. It happened so quick I wasn’t sure whether I’d imagined it or not until he did it again. I opened my mouth to let him in, but he back off again.

“Shane,” I sighed, nor longer shaking, but squirming instead. “I’m good, you can—,”

“Shut up,” Shane interrupted, trailing kisses over my cheek and down my chin to my neck. It tickled, but not in an intolerable way. He tongue flicked out against my neck and I was having trouble breathing again. I felt warmth pooling in my stomach and I was having trouble staying still, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out _why_. He wasn’t doing anything he hadn’t done before.

His fingers trailed up and down my chest, over and over and that was nothing compared to the touching we’d been doing before, but I felt… sensitive. I liked it, and I liked the feel of his hand and for the first time ever, I wondered what it’d feel like to have him touch me like that without my shirt. Without his.

His hand moved lower, stroking my stomach and my breath hitched, got stuck in my throat, but he didn’t move any further. I breathed a sigh of something like disappointment, which was strange, if you think about it. I would have thought I’d be terrified to let him touch me below the waist, but he hadn’t even gotten close and already I was fighting to keep my hips still and, you know, _not_ make a complete ass out of myself. Again.

His hand moved lower as he tongued the skin just behind my ear and my back arched just a bit off the bed as I anticipated his next move…the one he didn’t make.

He pulled away. “Are you sure you don’t want me to stop.”

If I ever had, I definitely didn’t want him to anymore. I was curious and… turned on and… I wanted him to keep going.

I shook my head.

I hadn’t even finished when he touched me, and then I knew why Shane had ‘freaked out’ earlier.

I took three quick, sharp gasps of air in. I think I meant to take a deep breath, but it didn’t quite work out. I think I was mostly surprised. And nervous, but I definitely wasn’t about to stop him. There was liquid heat pooling in my stomach and my thighs tensed up almost painfully.

I felt him tugging at my zipper, but that didn’t really mean anything at the moment. Neither did the sound when he finally got my fly open. None of it meant anything until I felt his hand, cold as ever against my cock and my body jerked violently all on its own.

Shane froze. “Are you okay?” he asked, and I nodded frantically, chewing my lower lip.

His fingers thrummed along the side of my length, _bare fingers against my fucking skin_ , before moving to grasp my cock lightly and I let out a broken moan. He pulled my cock out of my shorts, and it occurred to me that I was thrusting up into his hand and that I most likely looked ridiculous, lying there, hanging out of my shorts, but… I decided I could freak out about it later.

He gripped me tighter and my stomach tightened as I arched off the bed, and I turned toward him to moan into his neck. Apparently, I was a vocal kind of guy. Strange, because, I wasn’t when I touched myself alone, but I wasn’t about to dwell on it for long.

Shane squeezed once more, swiping his thumb over the head of my cock, lingering at the slit and… it was _way_ too fucking much. He slid his hand down and back up and I was whimpering and I couldn’t stop. My hands tightened in the back of Shane’s shirt, and for the life of me, I couldn’t figure out which words in the English language I was supposed to use to warn him about what was going to happen.

It was too much and I didn’t want it to be over, but it’s not like I really had much choice in the matter. My entire body tensed up and I felt something inside me unraveling as I came, my mouth open in a silent scream.

And for awhile, everything was simple confusion and the sound of my blood rushing in my ears. Unfortunately, that didn’t last long.

Jesus _fucking_ Christ. That was my first thought. Followed shortly thereafter by ‘holy fucking shit’ and ‘fuck me running’.

I was panicking. The thing is, though, I was panicking about the wrong thing—or, I wasn’t panicking about what I would have thought I’d be panicking about. I was freaking out… because I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say to him.

‘Thanks’ sounded insulting even in my head and everything else I came up with sounded like a line a cheap hooker would use during her after sex cigarette.

And holy fuck, what if he expected me to reciprocate. I’d jacked off before, more times than I could count, but I wasn’t sure if…I wasn’t sure if he’d like it. I wasn’t sure I’d be any good.

I wasn’t sure I was ready.

And fuck me, because… what was supposed to happen next? I had no idea and I could feel Shane staring at me… and I didn’t know what to do about it. It felt wrong to leave him there, hard against my hip, but I _couldn’t_ do anything about it. It felt even worse to just get up and walk out without saying anything because—I wasn’t pissed at him. I just… I needed to think. I needed to think and calm down and…

Bullshit. Thinking never helped. It seemed like the only time I ever got anything done, was when I wasn’t thinking. Like right then. Except… now I was thoroughly fucked and terrified and… what the hell did it _mean_?

“Holy shit,” I said, out loud.

Shane tensed. “What?” he asked, sitting up a little frantically. “You’re freaking out?” He flinched. “Of _course_ you’re freaking out, that was a stupid question. I mean… I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have…” He sighed. “Should I take you home—not that I want you to leave, but if you do… I could take you…or I could call one of your friends. Or…your parents.”

If there were magic words in the world to spur me into action, he just said them.

“No,” I snapped horrified. “I don’t… I don’t want to leave.”

Shane sighed, staring at me for a moment before nodding and lying back down at my side. “Okay.”

I sighed and relaxed. I was freaking out and I didn’t know what to say, but I _did_ know that I didn’t want to be around anyone else. And that I wasn’t mad at Shane. It was the opposite; I just… didn’t know what to do. I think mostly… I was afraid of what he was thinking, or of what he _would_ be thinking if I spoke and fucked everything up with my words, or when he realized he wasn’t about to get anything in return from me.

I just… it was better that I kept my mouth shut. _I didn’t know what it meant_. I just… and Shane just…

And Jesus fucking Christ.

“What?” Shane asked tensing again, because apparently, I said that last bit out loud. This time, I answered him.

“I think I might be gay,” I said, laughing a little crazily as I shook my head. And I mean… yeah, I knew I was gay. That wasn’t what I meant. It just… it occurred to me that almost everything about being gay that I was afraid of…everything I thought was wrong… was a crock of shit. Because, other than my inability to behave like a normal, functional person, I couldn’t find anything wrong with what I’d just done. Ryan didn’t hate me and the world hadn’t opened up and I hadn’t fallen straight to hell.

I was gay… and I thought for the first time, that I might be okay if I stayed that way.

Shane laughed after a moment of silence, the tension draining out of his body all at once.

“Yeah,” he said, chuckling lightly. “Maybe.”


	15. Chapter 15

It’s kind of funny, that having Shane look at me for too long in public makes my legs itchy, like I need to run, and makes my shoulders tense almost painfully, but a hand job? No big.

Afterward, lying there in Shane’s bed with my dick hanging out of my pants and a stain I prayed I’d never have to explain to anyone, _ever_ on the front of my jeans, I was _fine_.

More than fine, actually. I was almost giddy. Pathetically giddy.

And there was…relief. I wasn’t sure why, really, but I thought it might have something to do with admitting it. I admitted it. Out loud. On purpose. _In front of someone._ I was pretty sure I’d done that before, but this time, I didn’t add a silent ‘for now’ afterward, and I felt relieved. I didn’t have to worry about changing it, or fixing any thing. I could just let it _be_.

It was kind of a good feeling. Relief mixed with something that felt like excitement, but it didn’t make sense to be excited seeing as how the exciting part had pretty much passed. But that didn’t really matter. When I left Shane’s, my chest felt full, and I found myself running, but not for any of the reasons I’d ever run from Shane before. It was more like the way I felt when Ryan and I fixed whatever was broken with us. I just sort of needed to run.

I ran all the way back to my house, which was a good thing, because I’m pretty sure I would have missed curfew if I hadn’t. My parents were up, and I didn’t exactly want to be around them, but seeing them didn’t bring me down. At all. I didn’t panic and start spinning ridiculous scenarios in my mind on the hows and the whens of them finding out. I just said goodnight, though I’m pretty sure the yawn I faked wasn’t all that convincing what with the way I dashed up the stairs and accidentally slammed my bedroom door behind me.

Good. Everything was good at that moment. Ryan and I, and Chloe. And Shane. My parents… I really didn’t have anything to obsess about. Or…I was pretty sure I could find something, if I tried. But really? Why the hell would I?

So, I lied back in bed, laughing at the digital clock on my night stand, because I was pretty sure I’d never been in bed so early on a Friday _ever_ before, but I wasn’t about to get out and go do something else. I just wanted to lie there, and replay the night—the parts that didn’t feature me making a total ass of myself—over and over.

I passed out before I even got my shoes off.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

“I think it’s awesome.”

“Of course you do. It’s chick music.”

“It’s pop punk, and it’s kick ass. Better than the screamo shit you listen to.”

“Hey! None of that. My music is medicine for my dark and twisted soul.”

“Your music makes me want to slit my wrists, and come back and haunt you ‘til you slit yours as payback for making me listen to it in the first place.”

“Bite me, Chlo. This shit makes me want to get some chocolate, Twinkies, and ice cream for a Lifetime movie marathon. And it’s not even my time of the month. Chick music.”

“Fuck off, Ryan. You like it, right Jake?”

“…I think something’s wrong with my phone. Is it possible to run out of minutes if you barely ever use the damn thing?”

Yeah, that was my brilliant contribution. Which is sad, really, because if I were actually paying attention to anything that was going on, I’d have tossed both of their mp3 players out of the window, because my house and my room, meant I get to choose the music. But…I wasn’t actually paying attention.

The three of us were all lying on my bed, scrunched and tangled. We’d all been taking turns playing music on my player…or, Ryan and Chloe had been taking turns. I was pretty sure they started skipping me after the third time I forgot what was going on for too long and lost my damn mp3 player.

Ryan snorted, rolling his eyes at me. “If you want your phone to ring, you’re going to have to give some more people your number. Everyone you know is already here, and we never call you anyway.”

I frowned, and cleverly didn’t point out that not _everyone_ I knew was currently in my room. There was actually one person, a boy person, possibly named Shane who was missing and hadn’t even called in two days.

Yeah. _Two_ fucking days. I currently hated that it was the weekend. At least at school it’d be easy to see if he was avoiding me or not.

That thought was a little terrifying. I wondered if I did something…wrong. I couldn’t really see how that was possible considering I didn’t do much of anything at all, but I was racking my brain, trying to figure it out.

I got that I was obsessing. I also knew I could have called Shane myself if I wanted to talk to him that bad, but…the first day, I was too nervous to actually stay on the line long enough for the phone to ring, and by the second day, I was too busy freaking out about the fact that _he_ hadn’t called, and wondering what that meant.

I mean, I hadn’t even had a spaz attack after the whole hand job thing—and _Christ_ I blushed just thinking about that. But…I’d been cool about it, all things considered. I admitted that I was gay, in front of Shane, and I didn’t run away screaming afterward. We’d talked…or he’d talked and I’d listened because I couldn’t really think of anything to say that wasn’t lame, and I was also a little busy with trying to figure out whether the stain on the front of my pants was really all that noticeable.

But still…no panicking. I’m just saying, that’s _huge_ for me. If anyone knows what a freak I am with these sort of things, it’s Shane. And I _hadn’t_ freaked out on him. I was _good_ , and he couldn’t even pick up a fucking phone? I call that inconsiderate.

“Maybe my phone is dead,” I commented, as Ryan wrestled Chloe’s mp3 player away from her. I really have no idea what that was about. Like I said, me? Not really paying attention.

“It’s plugged in,” Ryan replied sitting up, looking at me a little suspiciously. “What the fuck is your problem?”

“Yeah, seriously,” Chloe put in, using Ry’s shoulder to hoist herself up next to him. “Why don’t you just call _him_?”

Have I mentioned lately that I hate Chloe Mason? Well, I do. A lot.

“Oh,” Ryan said, and his eyes darkened and he looked a little lost…but only for a second before he smirked. I almost missed the frowning and the glaring. The smirk made me nervous.

“So,” he said. “You really _are_ turning into a chick.” He turned to Chloe. “Maybe we should play the last song again. For Jakey.”

I glared at them. “Fuck. Off.”

Ryan laughed; his grin widening and he relaxed. I hadn’t even noticed he was tensed until I saw him let out a breath and slouch a bit, but I only wondered why for a second. I was definitely preoccupied.

“Give me your phone,” Ry said, putting his hand out.

And I can’t even express how much that was not going to happen. I definitely didn’t like the smirk. Ryan was a vindictive prick.

“Why?” I asked, eyes narrowed.

“Just give it to me,” Ry pressed, leaning forward. I scooted back on my bed until my head hit the wall.

“No,” I said. “Tell me why first.”

“So I can call him for you. You’re being annoying.” He lunged toward me.

I almost fell off my bed trying to get away from him.

Chloe laughed. “You’re both acting like girls,” she said. “I’ll remember this the next time someone asks me why I only hang out with boys.”

Ryan was appalled and he whipped around to glare at her. Chloe shot me a grin. Saved. I take back what I said about hating her. She’s alright, I guess.

“We are not,” Ryan said, and he back handed my knee, nodding at me to back him up. It’s what he did when he didn’t have a suitable comeback. I thought about pointing out that not two seconds ago, he was accusing me of turning into a chick and now it was ‘ _we_ ’ are not? Ha. I was most definitely _not_ on his side.

“Oh yeah,” I said grinning, and then paused, looking down at my phone when I saw it flash. False alarm. My phone was now fully charged. I cleared my throat and tried on a smirk. “Me Tarzan…him Jane.”

Ry does the poor betrayed best friend thing very well. “Traitor,” he mumbled, throwing a pillow at me. “Chew on that, and shut the fuck up. You’re no help.”

And can I just say—ouch. I’d been doing okay with Ryan’s jokes…most of them were harmless and if I wasn’t paying attention, I hardly noticed it. It was just Ryan being Ryan. He’d be making jokes about me turning into a girl even if he _didn’t_ know I was gay, so that was easy enough to ignore. But that last one shocked me, for some reason, and I fell silent.

I wasn’t the only one. My room went silent, but for Chloe’s music playing—which did suck, by the way—and Ryan was cringing, looking ashamed. Chloe had turned away, alternating between staring at my curtains, and glaring at Ry, like she wasn’t sure whether she should laugh or snap at Ryan. Before, we _all_ would have laughed.

I wasn’t mad. I think I just… wasn’t used to it yet. None of us were. I don’t think any of us had really figured out what was okay, and what was offensive.

My ears burned, and I sort of nudged the pillow off my bed, unsure of how to respond. The thing is…it was a little harsh, but only _because_ Ryan knew. He would have said the same thing—or something similar to pretty much anyone after they refused to have his back. He had before. It was part of what had me convinced that he’d hate me if he ever knew. Because he was always making comments like that. He probably wasn’t even thinking about the gay thing. People just said things like that. All the time. Saying ‘you’re such a fag’ was pretty much interchangeable with ‘you’re such a freak’ at our school.

But Ry _knew_ now and comments like that…made everything weird. I felt like he was purposely calling attention to it when I just wanted to ignore it. Or…I mean, I just didn’t want to talk about it. Not to them.

“I’m sorry,” Ryan said, and the way the words were forced out sounded painful. “That wasn’t…it was just a joke.”

I shrugged, sliding my phone open and closing it again.

“I’m working on it,” Ry muttered. “I’ll put that one on the ‘don’t’ list.”

I nodded, because I _knew_ that. I knew Ryan, and I knew he didn’t mean it. He wouldn’t have bothered apologizing if he had, but it was…awkward. I really wished someone would change the fucking subject.

“Jake,” Ryan said with a sigh. “Seriously, bro, I wasn’t…”

I cleared my throat. “I get it,” I bit out, looking up at him. And yeah, I knew he was sorry, but I was still a little shocked to find the pained look on his face. I’m almost ashamed to admit that I actually _liked_ seeing it.

“It’s cool,” I said, but I’m not sure it would have been if it wasn’t obvious that he was sorry. He wasn’t used to having to monitor what he said around me, and I wasn’t even sure that I wanted him to. It would make us weird. Ryan and I always fucked with each other. It was what we did; we gave each other hell. I felt like having him censor himself would…fuck it up. I liked how Ryan and I were, and yeah, the gay jokes sucked, but I didn’t like having him hold back with me. And I told him he didn’t have to.

“Forget it,” I said, shrugging and forcing a grin. “I’ll get your ass back.”

Ryan looked up at me, and stared for a second before saying, “Nah, my ass is off limits.” He said it all slow, like he wasn’t sure if it would be okay, and _I_ wasn’t sure it was, but I forced a laugh anyway. It was awkward for me, but Ryan was teasing. It was what he did. The subject matter had changed, but… I could deal. It was Ryan and he wouldn’t be my best friend without all the humiliation.

So, I opened my mouth, ready with a not so clever comeback, but I never got it out. Chloe was nice enough to interrupt.

“Right,” she said, sighing, and I wondered why _she_ was all tense. It wasn’t like her to just…back out and not put in her two cents. “We’re still doing ice cream with Lindsay on Thursday, right?” she asked. Sometimes I forget that Chloe knows us too. A change of subject was probably the safest way to go.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, rolling his eyes, but it was obvious that he was just as relieved as I was. “It was _your_ idea. We’re still doing it, unless you say we aren’t.” He looked up at her, eyes hopeful. “Did you change your mind?”

“Fat chance,” Chloe snorted. “I haven’t met her. I heard she moved here from Philadelphia, or something.”

Ryan shook his head. “Hershey,” he corrected, and I was shocked that he actually paid attention enough to know something like that. “And she moved here, like, a year ago. Catch up.”

“Oh, I’m sorry,” Chloe said, totally unapologetic. “I actually pay attention to school work when I’m in school.”

“That’s why Jake and I are your only friends.”

Chloe punched him. “Jake doesn’t have any other friends either,” she shot back, and I glared at her. That wasn’t even true. I had Shane…and sort of Caydence. And there was Reid. And Shane…

…Maybe my phone didn’t have service in my room. I opened my phone to check, which shot that theory straight to hell, but I thought about going to sit by the window, just in case.

“Jake has other friends,” Ryan said, and I shot him a grateful grin, before going to check my text messages again just to make sure I hadn’t missed anything.

“Swim team doesn’t count,” Chloe said, rolling her eyes.

“Oh,” Ry responded frowning. “Well… you’re both losers.” He shrugged and leaned back on the bed, disconnected Chloe’s mp3 player and plugging his own in. Asshole. So much for him coming to my defense.

“I am not a los…” I was interrupted by Ryan’s phone ringing and I actually dropped mine, trying to check it. Which totally proved his point about my being a loser, so I decided it’d be best not to try and finish my sentence.

Ryan laughed, forwarding the call. “Colin,” he said, shrugging. “He keeps begging me to come with him to some dinner thing with his family. He’s being a total freak.”

“You should come,” I said, because that fucking dinner was at my house, and I was not looking forward to having to sit through it alone. I cursed the day my mother met Mrs. Keats.

“You’re going?” Ryan said like it was the most unbelievable thing he’d ever heard.

I shrugged. “I have to. It’s happening _here_ and Mom’s making me.” I frowned, dreading it already. “Seriously, you should both come. I hate Colin.”

Ry snorted. “Yeah, I bet,” he muttered, and I didn’t get a chance to ask what that meant before he went on with, “When?”

“Day after tomorrow,” I said, and remembered that was when we were supposed to go do ice cream with Lindsay. “If you both come, we can just go grab Lindsay after dinner.”

“ _I’m_ not going,” Chloe put in, grimacing. “I hate Colin just as much as you.”

Ryan frowned. “He doesn’t hit on you anymore,” he said, matter of fact. “I talked to him about it. He said he’d stop.”

“He lied,” Chloe responded flatly.

Ry’s face was a mix of shock and something like anger, like he couldn’t believe Colin would have lied. Ha.

“I’ll talk to him again,” Ryan promised her.

“Thanks,” Chloe said with a soft smile. Ryan grinned back, losing the frown and I watched the two of them stare at each other before purposely staring elsewhere wondering what the fuck was going on.

I cleared my throat, mostly to get their attention when the silence started to morph into awkward, which I couldn’t ever remember happening when it was just the three of us.

Ryan jumped at the noise, and turned to look at me, shaking himself. “So,” he started. “Is Shane going?”

“What?” I asked. I totally lost track of the conversation.

“To the dinner thing,” Ryan clarified. “Is Shane going to be there?”

“Oh,” I said frowning, because Shane hadn’t called and he could be going to the fucking moon on that day for all I knew, because he was a dick.

I glared at my phone. “No idea,” I answered honestly. “I don’t think so.”

“Good,” Ryan said, and Chloe and I both looked up to frown at him. I knew that Ry and Shane didn’t get along. Everyone knew they fought, though most of the people that knew _why_ were currently sitting on my bed. But still…that was kind of fucked up.

“Asshole,” I muttered, and I looked to Chloe to back me up, but she was staring at Ry, head cocked to the side like she was trying to figure something out.

Ryan shook his head. “I didn’t mean it like that,” he said. “You could invite him to have ice cream or whatever.”

“I could invite him to dinner if I want,” I pointed out, because Ryan forgot that I could do what I wanted way too often. My house and I could invite whoever the fuck I wanted.

“Yeah, I guess you could,” Ryan said, looking away with a shrug.

I think I would have told him to get over it—Shane was. To move on and try to get along. It was just…well for one, it sounded lame even in my head. And two… I didn’t really feel like sticking up for Shane at the moment.

“Whatever,” I said in response. Another change of subject would have been nice right about then. I don’t know how it happened but the three of us had gone from laughing and having a _semi_ -good time, aside from the fact that they were laughing at _me_ , to dark and depressing.

I decided to blame Shane. You know, since he was the one avoiding me.

I glanced at my phone again, before looking up at Ryan and Chloe, and ignoring the way Ryan was fiddling with the hole in the knee of her jeans instead of his own.

“Call my phone,” I said abruptly. “See if it goes through.”

Ry and Chloe both looked up at me, matching grins suddenly on their faces.

“Dude,” Ryan said, shaking his head. “You are so…gay. I really should have noticed.”

“Shut up,” I said without much venom. At least they were smiling again.

Besides, it wasn’t so bad. These were my friends. I’d been so afraid of things changing with them—and they _had_ changed. But not like I thought. They made fun of me for different things now, and we spent less time together thanks in part to the time I spent with Shane and the time the two of them spent—together, but the three of us hadn’t really changed. The change was all in the details and…I decided those didn’t really matter.

“Know what I think?” Chloe asked, interrupting my thoughts.

“No,” Ryan replied. “But we don’t actually care either so…” Chloe hit him. Predictable. Normal. Things would have been great if it weren’t for the fact that my phone hadn’t rang since my mother called to tell me about that goddamn dinner I was required to attend.

“Fine,” Chloe snapped at Ry, standing up. “You can stay here. Jake and I will go swimming.”

Ry rolled his eyes. “Bullshit. You can’t stay mad at me and you know it.”

“Try me,” Chloe said dryly, and I laughed, turning up the ringer on my phone so I could hear it from the pool.

I hopped off the bed, where Chloe and Ryan were doing a cross between wrestling and arguing and I snorted. “If you two are going to go at it, make sure you change the sheets, or I’m telling my mom.”

Ryan and Chloe halted and Ryan actually fell off the bed. I laughed. It was probably cruel, all things considered, but I didn’t really care.

Payback’s a bitch.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

When I went to sleep Sunday night, I told myself I was going to fix everything the next day. I played out a ton of different scenarios where Shane would pick me up in the morning, and I’d tell him that he was the one being an idiot this time, and tell him to get the fuck over it. And after school we’d go to his house and this time, when he touched me, I’d touch him. I wouldn’t run, or freak out. It’d be good.

It was just…so weird. I was pretty sure Shane was avoiding me. That was supposed to be my job. I was the one that was supposed to freak out and avoid and…whatever. But I was actually excited. I hadn’t expected that, but I wasn’t _fighting_ anything, for once. I was letting it happen, and I wanted more. I felt like I’d gotten past the hard part. It was done, and I just wanted to move forward. It was pretty much all I could think about.

But Shane was fucking ruining it. So I planned to wake up the next morning and tell him what a fucking moron he was. I was going to fix it.

I went to bed with a smile on my face at how everything had changed. I started off trying to fix myself, so that I wouldn’t feel the way I did about Shane. Now…now I was trying to fix things to keep him around. Keep him close. And if there were hand jobs to be had with all the closeness, I wasn’t going to complain.

I think I waited on my porch long enough to be late the next morning, waiting for Shane to show up before my _mother_ —yes, my fucking _mother_ —came out and said Shane had called early that morning to say he wasn’t coming.

I decided right then that the only reason I wanted to talk to him was so that I could kick his fucking ass. Or give _him_ the kind of hand job that you walk away from without certain vital parts.

And holy shit, Ryan was right. I was totally turning into a girl. Scary. I shook it off and spent my entire third period class convincing myself I didn’t care. It worked too. All the way up until fifth period, right before lunch, when I was trying to decide whether or not I should go see Shane.

I had no idea what the hell I was supposed to say to him. I couldn’t come up with anything better than, ‘Hey, Shane, about that thing with your hand and my dick…” and _no_. Just…no. That was so not going to fly _anywhere_ much less at school where there were people around to hear. But I really wanted to talk to him.

The whole thing was really bothering me. I didn’t get it. I was _finally_ okay. I admitted that I was gay, out loud, and on purpose and I didn’t even think about bridges or cliffs or Mexico. It seemed like a big deal, and it was definitely not the time for Shane to go all insane.

And it just kind of… sucked. I’d been in a _good_ mood when I left his house. A really good mood. Everything felt a little surreal. Shane had given me a hand job, and I’d admitted everything, and instead of feeling panicked like I would have expected if I ever let myself think about something like that happening… I felt relieved. Like… I didn’t have to worry about it anymore. About trying to change it, I mean. I could just _let it be_ , and I didn’t have to stress about getting rid of it.

All I had to worry about was keeping it from my parents, and…even the thought of them finding out wasn’t enough to kill my mood, for once. I just… let it go. They didn’t know, and as long as it stayed that way, I wasn’t going to worry about it. I could panic when it happened, and before that… I wasn’t going to stress it.

Instead, I spent the night reliving my moment with Shane. And not just the hand job. After, he was just…really cool. He rambled on, endlessly, making sure there wasn’t a second of silence. It kind of helped when it came to not panicking. It was funny, actually, because _he_ looked nervous. Like he had anything to be nervous about. I was the one that had made an ass of myself, and I think I sat on his bed with my dick hanging out of the front of my pants for a full ten minutes before I remembered to put it back in and zip up.

He seemed jittery the whole time I was there afterward, though, and he kept shooting me these worried looks, but aside from that comment about calling my _parents_ , he didn’t bring it up. He made stupid jokes and told me the most pointless family stories. I wasn’t there long, but for the time that I was…it wasn’t bad. He was just… really cool about it all.

He kissed me before I left. I think I spent more time waiting for the kiss than I spent actually talking to him. It was almost like he was scared to do it, and when he did, it was… _soft_. Much softer than any other time he’d ever kissed me before, his lips barely touching my. It made my chest quiver, and I’d felt a little light headed or whatever as I stepped out of his house, but…it was cool.

I spent more time thinking about that kiss that night than anything else. I tried not to think about how pathetic that was.

It was just good. The whole thing was good, and the only thing that had me even mildly disturbed was the fact that I _wasn’t_ disturbed at all. I liked it. And I wanted to leave it at that and not think about any of the other bullshit.

And all of that…it felt _really_ big for me. I wasn’t so stupid that I didn’t realize what a huge step I took from that first kiss that I practically…no _literally_ ran away from. I was ready for the ‘fun part’ or whatever the fuck, and _Shane_ was fucking it up now, not me. Shane was… backsliding. Right when I was finally starting to be okay.

Fucker.

And I blamed him entirely for the detention I got from fifth period when I actually snapped at the teacher when he interrupted my thoughts one too many times.

“Jesus, Jake,” Chloe whispered harshly, when I took my seat again after getting my referral. “What’s your problem?”

“Chloe,” I muttered, shaking my head. “Do me a favor, and fuck off.”

She didn’t speak to me for the rest of the class, and she left when the bell rang without waiting for me. I kind of didn’t see the point of that, she’d have to put up with me for lunch since I was back to eating with her and Ryan…but I wasn’t about to complain. I wasn’t really in a sociable mood. I even considered skipping lunch altogether, and the rest of the day, for that matter, but that wouldn’t really do much to help me figure out what the fuck was wrong with Shane.

I took the long way to the cafeteria to…I don’t know, clear my head. Or, figure out what the fuck I was going to say to Shane when I saw him. If I saw him. I was pretty sure he was avoiding me, and if he was, I doubted he’d be in the quad where he usually ate.

But he was. He was there, lying back in the grass, laughing at something Caydence said. I wondered if it’d make me too much of a girl to kick him when I walked up.

“Jake,” Caydence called, waving as I approached.

I didn’t wave back. I wasn’t pissed at _her_ , I was just too busy trying to glare at Shane until he looked at me, which, wasn’t working. I might have tried to at least be polite to Caydence if she were the type of person who could actually be offended, but I was pretty sure she didn’t give a shit one way or the other if I ignored her.

I settled for a short nod, without even looking at her, keeping my eyes on Shane. I stood there staring down at him for a good thirty seconds and when he still didn’t look at me, I dropped my book bag as close to his head as I could manage without hitting him. Which, more or less meant I dropped it right next to me, and about a foot away, but whatever, it did the trick.

He jumped, sitting up abruptly, glancing at me a little anxiously. Like he had a reason to be anxious. I wasn’t the one avoiding him.

“What’s up with you?” I heard Caydence ask as I sat down and Shane and I continued to stare at each other without saying a word. “Did your cat piss in your favorite shoes?”

“Yeah,” I said. I was long past telling Caydence she’d been to my house and knew I didn’t have any pets, or favorite shoes, for that matter. I wondered what her thing with animals was.

“Life’s a bitch,” she nodded, with a sympathetic sigh. Sometimes, Caydence is just _so_ right.

I snorted, finally turning away to look at her.

“Guess what?” I said, mostly to buy time to figure out what I was going to say to her. I didn’t really need to bother. She’d accept pretty much anything I said without a word. That was the cool thing about Caydence. I definitely never had to worry about sounding stupid around her.

“What?” she asked, grinning. Caydence wasn’t one of my best friends, and I doubted we’d ever really be close, but I did like this game. She did too. Caydence isn’t actually crazy, though it’d taken me awhile to figure that out. She just likes for you to think she is. And, once I did figure it out, it was easy to play along.

“There’s a circus in the girls’ bathroom. Science building,” I told her. “You should go check it out.”

She chuckled, shaking her head at me and picking up her purse as she stood up. “Or,” she said, “I could go get some more grease on a platter. Shane devoured mine. He’s so selfish.” She turned to look at him, losing the grin. Caydence looks _weird_ when she’s being serious. “I have lots of fake emergencies,” she informed him. “Need one?”

He actually looked like he was thinking about it. Right in front of me. Caydence was…well, Caydence, and it wasn’t that surprising that she’d ask a question like that in front of me, but Shane? I couldn’t believe he was considering it. Asshole.

He sighed after a moment, smiling in a way that looked entirely forced. “Nah,” he told her. “Save ‘em for the next time I need to get out of Church.”

She nodded. “Text when you’re finished,” she said, waving at me as she walked off. We both watched her go, and I took a second to make sure there wasn’t anyone close enough to over hear our conversation—a conversation I seriously couldn’t believe I was about to have in the middle of the quad—but there wasn’t anyone _that_ close, and everyone around was pretty much caught up in doing their own thing anyway. I figured I was safe enough as long as neither Shane nor I started yelling, and I turned to look at him.

And promptly decided that coming to ‘talk’ or whatever the fuck I’d had planned was another one of my bad ideas. Somewhere in the time it took me to walk over to Shane and ask Caydence to leave, I completely forgot that I didn’t have a fucking clue as to what I was going to say.

Shane was staring at me, an expectant look on his face, like he was waiting for _me_ to explain myself. As far as I was concerned, he was the only one of us that needed to explain.

And fuck it, I decided with a sigh. Who cared if I made an ass out of myself…again. One more time wasn’t going to do much damage.

“My phone’s been charged,” I blurted, suddenly. “All weekend.” Yeah, that was the best I could come up with. Whatever.

I’m not entirely sure how I expected Shane to respond, but an apology wouldn’t have been unwelcome. Or maybe an excuse. Amnesia. Car accident. The fucking flu probably would have sufficed.

I didn’t get any of that.

Instead, Shane raised an eyebrow and said, “Yeah? So was mine.”

I didn’t have a mirror handy, so I can’t tell you exactly what my face looked like at that moment, but I imagined it was ridiculous. Also, I wasn’t really seeing what point Shane was trying to make. Mostly, he was just making _mine_ , which was that he _could_ have called, and he didn’t.

“So, why didn’t you, you know, use it?” I asked, ripping up a handful of grass and dropping it on my lap.

“I did,” he said, and something unpleasant happened in my chest. “I used it a bunch of times.”

“You called me?” I asked, my eyes widening, and wondering which of my theories as to why my phone hadn’t been ringing was correct.

Shane shook his head, slowly, holding my stare. “No,” he replied, and his voice sounded hollow. In a forced sort of way, like he was trying to keep _cold_ and I hated it. I was used to Shane’s voice being smooth and warm and…I was worried. I itched to get up and run away, but I didn’t.

I stared at him for a long minute, listening to the sounds of people laughing, and screaming around me. I think I was trying to figure out how to word my next question, but when I opened my mouth, it came out pretty much on its own.

“Why the fuck not?” I asked, thoroughly confused.

Shane shrugged. “Why didn’t you?”

“Why didn’t I _what?_ ”

He sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and leaning forward on them, still staring at me. Not glaring…just a stare, like he was trying to figure me out.

“Why didn’t _you_ call?” he reiterated.

I frowned, taken aback by that question, so much so, that I almost slipped and told him that I _did_ call. Except, that wouldn’t have been a good idea, seeing as how I never actually waited for the phone to ring. I wasn’t ready to be _that_ lame.

So, I just sort of glared at him accusingly. It was a really stupid question, and if he had any kind of smarts at all, he knew the answer to it. I couldn’t do it. He was the one that knew what he was doing, or…so I assumed. He was never bothered by the gay thing and he didn’t freak out uselessly and overanalyze to the point of exhaustion. It would have been _easy_ for him to call, or come over, or…whatever.

I was a pussy. Duh. Where the hell had he been for the past couple of months?

It didn’t take him long to cave under the glare, but he looked more tired than intimidated, which was what I was going for, and he let out a breath, straightening his legs as he leaned back on his elbows.

“I didn’t think you’d want to talk to me,” he said, staring up at the sky, away from me. “I thought you were okay when you were at my house, but…” he sighed, shrugging. “I saw you running. I picked up the phone a couple times to… I don’t know, see if you were okay, or whatever, but I figured it’d be better if I just waited for you to call, or come over.”

For the life of me, I couldn’t see the sense in any of that, but that could be because I didn’t hear much past ‘I saw you running’.

“I was running because I was late,” I lied. I just wasn’t about to tell him how pathetically giddy I’d been, all over a simple fucking hand job.

The look on Shane’s face was a skeptical one, and I was almost offended. Even if I _was_ lying.

“You were freaking out,” he accused, pinning me with a stare. “It’s cool. I get it. But that’s why I didn’t call.”

“I wasn’t freaking out,” I said, honestly. “I mean…not a lot.”

Shane snorted, and there was no ‘almost’ about it, I was definitely offended. I’d give him plenty of reasons to think I might freak out after what’d happened, but he didn’t have to rub it in.

“Don’t be an asshole,” I muttered, ripping up more grass from the ground. “I’m here, right? And I _wanted_ to talk to you. Or see you. Whatever.”

“Then, why didn’t you do something about it?” he asked, frowning. “I know you know how to use a phone. I’ve seen you in action. You dial like a pro.”

I raised an eyebrow. “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“You could have called me,” Shane said, speaking slowly, enunciating each word as clear as possible.

I did _not_ answer that. I felt my glare said it all anyway. He couldn’t have actually expected _me_ to call. Hello? Pussy? I swore we’d been over this already.

Talking in circles is what Shane and I do best.

“That’s what I thought,” Shane said when I didn’t respond. “You could have called just as easily as I could have. Neither of us did. We’re both stupid. Get over it.”

This was not the conversation I had planned. He was supposed to apologize and start making excuses. Or something like that. He wasn’t supposed to be a dick to me, and for once, I _tried_ thinking of a reason why I might deserve it…but couldn’t find one.

“You know what?” I said shaking my head, and standing up abruptly. “You should really go fuck yourself.”

Shane grabbed my hand and yanked me back down to the ground. It hurt my arm more than it hurt my ass when I fell, and I glared at him.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he looked like he meant it. Which is the only reason I didn’t get back up. “I don’t think I meant that. I think I’m just…pissed off.”

“I didn’t do anything,” I said, frowning at the how childish I sounded. It was a sentence I used to use on my mother all the time. When I was, like, five.

“I know,” Shane said, nodding and looking up to meet my eyes. It was strange how comforting that was, considering the fact that I used to hate it when he looked into my eyes. He chewed his lower lip before continuing. “I don’t think I’m pissed at _you_. It’s just easier to yell at you…I spent the whole weekend stressing and I was pissed of…mostly at myself for…pushing you or whatever.”

“You didn’t push,” I started, but he kept on talking like he didn’t even hear me.

“Liking you is really… I don’t know. Difficult? Whatever. The point is, I can’t stop, but I really fucking hate this. I’m not…” he sighed, shaking his head and for a second, I think what I was feeling was fear.

“I don’t hold back,” Shane went on. “It’s not really who I am. I’m cool with not letting anyone know about, you know, me and you. I’m even okay with not talking about you to _Caydence_ , who, by the way, wouldn’t care, and she definitely wouldn’t say anything. I’m fine with being just your friend when we’re not alone, but I _hate_ having to pretend with _you_. It’s stupid. And it’s pointless.

“I like you. You _know_ that. I hate wondering every fucking time I do something, whether or not you’re going to freak out and run away. And I’m not talking about—you know—what happened the other night. I’m okay with waiting, and I probably should have, but… I don’t know. You don’t even want me _looking_ at you. It’s kind of hard to handle, because I _do_ really like you, and I want you…around.” He cracked a small grin at that, but it was gone in a second flat. “But, I feel like I have to walk on eggshells all the fucking time, because you have a shit load of rules or invisible lines that I’m not supposed to cross and the second I do…you’ll take off.”

I shook my head, opening my mouth to speak. To tell him none of that was true…except I wasn’t entirely sure he was wrong about some of it. I wasn’t sure whether or not I was ready for _anything_. I was winging it. I had no idea what I was doing and I was pretty much dealing with everything as it came.

But it didn’t seem fair. I was doing the best I could, and I felt like that should count for something.

He sighed. “You confuse the shit out of me. You want me and then you don’t. You stare at me, and then glare when I stare back. I get that you’re…scared, or whatever… I just don’t know what the fuck I’m doing.”

“Neither do I, Shane, I’m…”

“I’m sorry I didn’t call you, alright? And I’m really not trying to be an ass, and I’m not saying you’re wrong because I understand—mostly. But you’ve got to cut me some slack because I really don’t know what the fuck I’m doing with you. I’m working with my best guesses, and the last time you ran away from me—,”

“I didn’t run away this time, I was…”

“The last time you _ran_ ,” he went on, determined. “You didn’t answer my calls anyway. You were acting alright at my house, but I saw you running and…I really figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“I did,” I insisted, and I knew I sounded pathetic, but at the moment, I really didn’t give a shit.

Shane snorted, giving me a look that said ‘yeah, right’. And then he actually said, “Yeah, right,” and shook his head at me.

It really pissed me off. Maybe I deserved what he was saying, because yeah, at one point, most of it had been totally true. But it wasn’t anymore and I was pretty sure I hadn’t done anything wrong.

It was on the tip of my tongue to keep on about the phone call, or lack of one, but that all seemed kind of pointless, and stupid. Shane hadn’t called. Neither had I. I couldn’t figure out which one of us was wrong, and it didn’t seem all that important anymore.

“I wasn’t freaking out,” I told him, shaking my head at how stupid both of us were. I just… I didn’t want to be fighting with him anymore. Not when it was obvious that both of us were just fucking idiots, and there’d been a misunderstanding. “And I wasn’t running from you, I just…felt like running.”

Shane nodded, looking away. I frowned. He could have at least _pretended_ he believed me.

“I liked it, okay?” I snapped. Christ, you have no idea how lame that sounded, considering I’d wanted to say so much more…and that was all I could get out. I wanted to tell him about the way _I_ spent my weekend. Thinking about him, instead of bridges and shit like that. How…how what happened didn’t scare the shit out of me, but was exciting instead. I wanted to tell him how, even now, when we were fighting—or at least it felt like fighting—I still felt warm just being close to him.

But I couldn’t. People don’t just say things like that. Especially not me. The best I could come up with was ‘I liked it, okay?’ and I was so…just…God, I can be so fucking ridiculous.

Shane apparently agreed. He snorted. “Yeah. I knew that, actually.”

“So, what the fuck is the problem? I wasn’t freaking out, for once.” And really, I didn’t see how that was so hard to believe. “I was _happy_ about it. I spent most of my weekend looking forward to seeing you…though, I’ve gotta say, this definitely wasn’t what I was waiting for. I’m definitely disappointed, dude.”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. “You’re so…” he tilted his head, offering me a small grin. “Insane,” he whispered.

“Okay,” I said, trying to keep my voice level. “Well, so are you. Whatever. Can we just…forget it?”

That wasn’t exactly what I meant because, I didn’t want to forget it. I just didn’t want to be having this conversation anymore. Also, arguing about who was wrong was starting to feel really pointless. We were both idiots.

Shane frowned, turning to look at me, his head cocked to the side, and I thought for a second that I might have just pissed him off again. I groaned internally. I was getting really tired of fighting with him, when all I really wanted was to…relax. To have fun, and listen to him laugh, or whatever.

But he lost the frown and nodded slowly. “Alright,” he shrugged, and no bullshit, the cold, detached thing he had going just…disappeared. In, like, a second flat. It was jarring, but I hadn’t realized how much I hated it until it was gone. It was weird. It was like his mood was affecting the air around us and when he lost the dark, distant thing, everything felt better. I actually smiled back when he smiled at me.

“So,” he started, sitting up. “You’ve already had World History today, right?”

I nodded, letting out a breath, and found myself relaxing for the first time since I took my seat. School wasn’t exactly what I wanted to be talking about with him after two days of _not_ talking to him at all, but I wasn’t about to nit-pick. I was just…glad to be done fighting.

“Yeah,” I said. “I had him last period.”

“How’d you do on the test? I was thinking about you when I took it, and I was going to help you get ready this weekend but…well, you know.”

My eyes shot up to meet his. “There wasn’t a test,” I told him. Sure, I’d been paying as little attention as possible in that class, but I was pretty sure I’d have noticed if any tests had been handed out.

“There was,” Shane said, raising his eyebrows. “It was verbal.”

Oh. Well, that would explain why Harper kept calling on me. I thought he was just being a dick.

I sighed, shaking my head. “Yeah, I’m pretty sure I failed that. Actually, I think I can safely guarantee I failed that.”

“You’re not an idiot, Jake,” Shane said in the voice I’ve found he saves for when he’s trying to reassure me. “What was your question? How’d you answer?”

I frowned. “I told Mr. Harper to back off and call on someone that actually gives a shit.”

Shane laughed abruptly, but he stopped when I glared at him.

“…Seriously?”

“I’ve got the detention to prove it,” I muttered. I was not looking forward to explaining this to my mom.

“Why the fuck would you do that?” Shane asked, looking genuinely appalled. Sometimes, I wonder if it’s just Shane’s looks that keep him away from the geek label. Or maybe it’s that the gay thing just distracts most people.

I shrugged. “It’s just one test. It doesn’t matter.”

“Maybe you can make it up,” Shane offered, shaking his head, sporting a look of shocked amusement.

I rolled my eyes. “Who cares?”

Shane snorted. “Obviously not you. I just thought that—,”

“Shane,” I cut him off, grinning slightly. I changed my mind. If we were done arguing, I didn’t want to be talking about school. I didn’t even want to be _at_ school. “You want to get out of here?”

He gaped at me. “You want to skip school?”

I nodded.

“But you just failed a test.”

I didn’t really see how that made any difference. It wasn’t like staying was going to undo the damage.

“Yeah,” I said, still nodding. “Not really seeing your point.”

“There might be more tests,” he pointed out. To me, that sounded like all the more reason to _go_.

I just shook my head to let him know how much I really didn’t care.

“Fine,” he said, sighing. “That way’s not working…but do you really expect _me_ to just…leave. My parent’s will flip.”

It seemed only fair; actually, seeing as how it was his fault I failed that test anyway.

“They’re only going to find out if you tell them,” I lied, shouldering my book bag. “I want to go. And I want you to go with me.”

Honestly, I never thought he’d actually say yes. I kind of figured he’d refuse, but I thought I might at least be able to talk him into leaving campus for lunch, and I planned to ask him to do that as soon as he turned me down. I didn’t really care how long we were gone; I just…didn’t want to be with the crowd at the moment, even if they weren’t paying attention to us. I hadn’t even seen Shane in two days, and I wanted the feeling I’d had the last I saw him back. I wanted to be alone with him, to look at him without having to worry. To touch, or kiss, or talk, or laugh, and be as pathetic as I wanted. Even if it was just for the rest of the lunch period.

I got to my feet and held out a hand for Shane, and I waited for him to tell me ‘no’, when I saw the frown on his face. But that’s not exactly what he said.

He looked up, first at my hand, and then at me, biting his lip for a moment before saying, “Your parents aren’t home, right?”

I grinned. The day hadn’t started like I’d intended but it was starting to look up now.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Shane doesn’t know how to shout. Or, he yells like a girl. I found this out when we left school, and instead of going back to my house—because apparently, Shane hadn’t been inviting himself over when he asked whether my parents were home or not—we went to the park, instead.

We were trying to play catch with a flat soccer ball. It wasn’t really working when we tried to kick it back and forth, so we decided to throw it. Just to kill time.

Shane tried to keep up conversation as we did so, but no matter how serious he was being, I couldn’t stop laughing. Because Shane doesn’t know how to shout. Whenever he tries to raise his voice, it doesn’t really get any louder. It just gets…pitchy. It sounds more like a high pitched uneven whine than anything else.

I thought it was hilarious. I laughed at every last thing Shane said to me, and I couldn’t really hear a word of it. Shane kept looking at me like I’d lost my mind—like he really didn’t get what I was finding so funny, which was just…funnier, so I’d laughed harder and I couldn’t catch the ball after a while.

I’d always thought that Shane kept his voice low on purpose. Hearing him yell…well, I didn’t think it anymore.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, walking over to me, soccer ball under his arm. “What’s up? Did I miss a joke?”

My eyes watered.

Shane raised an eyebrow, with a look of amused confusion on his face as he waited for me to sober. It actually took awhile. I’m not sure what it was, but…Shane’s voice is always so low, and smooth. Kind of _sandy_ smooth, that rasp always there sending shivers up my spine. And he just doesn’t look like he’d be capable of making high pitched girly noises.

“Sorry,” I said, wiping my eyes. “It’s been a weird day.” I don’t know why I didn’t just tell him. I think I liked that he seemed completely unaware, though, I couldn’t tell you why.

“Nah,” Shane said, tossing the ball to me. “You’re just a weird person.”

I shrugged. “Probably.”

Shane grinned, stepping closer still. “I’m bored with this,” he said, softly, looking at me from under his eyelashes. And, I have no idea why he was doing that, and even less an idea why it made my mouth dry to see, but I swallowed a couple times, totally done laughing now, thanks.

“Okay,” I said lamely. I wondered if this meant we could finally go to my house. I was actually kind of pissed at first when we didn’t go straight there. I wanted to be alone with him. I didn’t want to be at the park with a bunch of parents and kids that weren’t old enough to be in school yet, tossing around an abandoned soccer ball. The only reason I didn’t complain about it was because…it wasn’t actually all that bad. I was having fun, and just being there with him was cool.

“Okay,” Shane repeated slowly, laughing softly. He shook his head. “I’m gonna go swing. It should help with my boredom issues.” He turned to walk in the direction of the playground.

I snorted, following him. “We’re too old for that. Also, we’re not girls.”

“So?” Shane asked, lifting an eyebrow. “It’s a swing set, not a dress. What’s your point?”

“My point,” I said, “is that we’re not _gay_ either and…” I didn’t get to finish that sentence on account of Shane laughing at me. I frowned. “I didn’t mean that like it sounded.”

Shane kept laughing. “And here I thought you were finally admitting it.”

I glared at him. I really didn’t mean that like it came out. I meant…I think maybe I meant to say ‘we’re not ‘lame’’ but it came out the way wrong.

Shane nudged me with his shoulder as we walked. “Lighten up, emo boy. All that frowning must give you a headache.”

Ha. That was rich considering the mood _he’d_ been in when I first approached him that day. He was the one that did the avoidance thing and was all moody and dark and ruined my whole day.

“You’re cute when you pout.” Whispered in my ear.

Okay…maybe not my _whole_ day.

Instead of glaring at him, like I normally would for a comment like that, I found myself holding back a grin, my face heating as I flashed back to zippers and kisses and cold hands… or just the one…

I cleared my throat. “You’ve said that before.”

“I know,” Shane replied, shrugging. “It’s true. And I was just seeing if I could get away with saying it now.”

Well. At least he was honest. I was still on the fence as to whether or not I liked that about him.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” I asked, even though I had a pretty good idea. I was playing stupid. I could be okay, with some things, as long as no one heard. I just wished he wouldn’t call me on it.

“You’re different today,” Shane said. “I was just testing.”

I had no idea what the fuck he was talking about.

“Testing what?”

Shane grinned over his shoulder. “Let’s swing,” he said, ignoring my question. “I promise it won’t give you a limp wrist.”

“Huh?” Sometimes, Shane was weirder than Caydence. I could definitely see why they were friends.

“Nothing,” Shane said.

“I’m not swinging,” I told him, shaking my head. “But I’ll race you across the monkey bars.” It was lame, but not quite as lame as the swinging idea.

Shane paused, frowning like he was thinking about it, before he looked over at me. He cocked his head to the side.

“You don’t really look like you have a lot of upper body strength,” he said, thoughtfully.

I knew what that meant—and yeah, slightly offended—but who actually says stuff like that?

“Bite me, bitch,” I said, shoving him. “I’m a swimmer. I think I can handle the monkey bars.”

Shane laughed as he stumbled. I may have pushed him harder than I meant to. No upper body strength, my ass. I had enough to knock him over. Chew on that, fucker.

“Five bucks says I win,” I added, as we turned toward the bars. Two rows, which was good. I wasn’t sure how we could race otherwise.

Shane scoffed. “Five bucks? That’s it?”

I shrugged. “It’s all I’ve really got on me, but we can bet more if you want,” I said. “I’m going to win.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Right,” he snorted. “We better keep it at five.”

He shot me a smirk when we got to the bars, reaching up to grab the first with one hand.

“Want a head start?” he asked.

I glared. “There are only ten bars. How much of a head start could you give?” And then, realizing that wasn’t the point, I added, “And no, I don’t. Jackass.”

Shane grinned, lifting his other hand to join the first. “Ready?” he asked.

I nodded. We raced.

And I was five bucks poorer.

“You cheated,” I told him, but I wasn’t exactly mad. I was actually trying not to smile. Shane looked way to happy with himself. Also…uhm, monkey bars? Who cheats at monkey bars?

“No, I didn’t,” Shane insisted as we walked away. I wasn’t really sure where we were walking to, but I didn’t really care either.

“Did so,” I told him, shaking my head in disbelief.

“No,” Shane retorted. “There were no rules. So, how could I break them?”

I hadn’t thought we’d need to make ‘no kicking’ rules because I hadn’t thought he’d actually do something like that, but still… I say it was cheating.

“Whatever, dude,” I said, pulling out the cash. “You kick like Chloe.” _He_ didn’t know that was actually a compliment.

“Then why’d you lose?” he asked, and he shoved my hand away. “You can keep the five,” he said.

“Why?” I asked. Most of the people I knew never paid up, but whenever Ry and I made bets we always followed through. Otherwise someone ended up getting punched. It wasn’t like I needed the five bucks.

But Shane grinned, shrugging as he leaned in close, his shoulder brushing against mine. “Because… I totally cheated.”

I didn’t have a reply. ‘I told you so’ was the best I had and really…my best is sometimes _shit_.

I kept silent and kept walking. The park we were at was the biggest one in town, up on a pretty high hill. Ryan and I had tried walking up it once, and we quit halfway up. The stairs were a bitch too. Playgrounds, tennis courts, obstacle courses, a swimming pool, a fucking zoo. Shane and I were currently walking toward one of the lookouts—the one that faced the school. When I was a kid, I used to think you could see everything from up at the park. You couldn’t. Couldn’t even see half the town, but it was still one of my favorite places to be when I was a kid.

“Mine too,” Shane said, when I shared that piece of info with him. I expected him to tell me what a lame ass I was, but he didn’t. I wasn’t used to that. I was used to Ryan and Chloe—they were the only friends I’d had for so long, and they would have never let me get away with something like that. It was cool, and I loved them for it. But Shane…he was cool too.

I hoisted myself up on the stone wall at the drop off, kicking my feet over the edge.

“What are you doing?” Shane snapped, staring at my legs uneasily.

I snorted. “It’s a hill, dude. Chloe and I got sick once when we tried to roll all the way down, but it’s not going to kill me.” I reached out, tugging the sleeve of his shirt to get him to come closer. “Sit,” I added.

Shane shook his head. “Yeah…no. Go fuck yourself,” he replied.

I laughed, a little shocked, and raised an eyebrow. “What? Scared?”

He glared at me. “Motion sickness,” he said dryly. “I’m not so good with rolling. Ever.”

“Pussy,” I said, with a cough.

Shane gave me a look that clearly said ‘seriously?’ and shook his head.

“You _know_ that peer pressure went out in, like, fourth grade, right?”

I shrugged, smirking. “Okay. Pussy.”

He rolled his eyes. “You seriously think that’s going to work?”

“If I keep doing it long enough,” I replied, and I really believed it. Whether or not peer pressure worked on him wasn’t the point. He’d get annoyed eventually and his only choices would be to climb up on the wall, or walk away.

I doubted he’d walk away.

“It’s not going to work,” Shane insisted, as I alternated between staring at the spot next to me and giving Shane a look that I hoped said ‘you know you want to’.

“Please,” I said, trying for the pout Shane was always saying was cute, but I don’t think it worked.

Shane laughed. Hard. “No,” he said, stepping closer. He reached up to tug my jacket. “You can come down here, though. With me.” And there wasn’t anything even remotely off with that sentence, that I could see, but it made something in my chest flip. I think it was his voice, the way it lowered and he sort of looked at me from under his lashes. Or…

Whatever. It made something in my brain sort of shut down for a minute and I was pretty sure it was rude to stare at him for as long as I did.

I swallowed, but my mouth was sort of dry and it kind of hurt. I cleared my throat. “Or,” I started, looking away from him. “…We could go to my house.”

I could feel Shane’s eyes on me, and it made the hair on the back of my neck stand up.

“I thought you said your parents weren’t home,” Shane said, after a moment.

And yeah, that was kind of the point. Dumb ass.

“They’re not,” I said, my voice lowering all on its own. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, except that the air seemed thicker and going inside seemed like the best idea on the face of the planet, second only to going into my room and locking the door behind us.

I swallowed again. “So, you wanna go?” I turned to look at him.

He was frowning. Which, just for the record, isn’t all that reassuring.

“ _You_ want to?” he asked, sounding skeptical.

I bit my lip. “Yeah,” I said, and cleared my throat to try that again without sounding so pathetic. “Yeah. I kinda do.”

“With me?” Shane asked, raising an eyebrow. “Alone?”

No, shit.

“Mm hmm,” I said instead. And then added, “yeah,” because, apparently, it was my new favorite word.

Shane didn’t respond, and I tensed when I felt him climbing up on the wall to sit next to me. I think it was that I didn’t really want him to see me. Which, was stupid, and I couldn’t have even begun to tell why, but, it might have something to do with the fact that when I asked him to come over, I wasn’t exactly planning on…bible study, or whatever the fuck.

Shane stared at the side of my face long enough to have me twitching and shifting around restlessly under his gaze. He tugged the sleeve of my jacket—which, I had no idea why I was wearing, because I was kind of overheating at the moment—but I ignored him, looking off to the side, wishing there was a fucking squirrel or something I could pretend to be interested in.

“Hey,” he said, leaning closer. “What’s going on with you?”

“Huh?” I asked, and Good God, you’d swear he almost pushed me off the wall the way I tensed and my fingers grabbed at the edge. “What?” Breathless. And I was sitting down.

Pathetic.

“You’re…different,” he said, his tone soft, and almost cautious.

I turned to look at him. “What?” I asked again, because, I didn’t have a dictionary or thesaurus handy and I think that was the only word I knew. Also, I didn’t have the slightest fucking clue what he was talking about.

“I don’t know,” Shane replied, shrugging. “It’s just…you’re giving off this vibe, and it’s kind of making me think I could actually get away with kissing you right now. Here. Without you pushing me over. Which is weird.”

Oh, hell yeah, definitely weird, and I frowned; trying to figure out what it was that I was doing to give off those vibes so I could _stop_. There were people everywhere, and maybe I was just a little more relaxed about…whatever, other things, but the kissing was not going to fly. That’s what my room was for. You know the one with the lock on the door.

“Chill, dude,” Shane said, chuckling. “I’m not going to do it.”

I let out a breath.

“It’s just… I don’t know.” He sighed, and looking up to meet my eyes. “You’re really…okay?”

I almost snapped at him, because I’d been trying to tell him, and _show_ him I was okay for the last couple hours. But…it was actually a good question. I’d never been anything other than a spazzed out freak with Shane. Obviously, that’d be what he was expecting. Hell, it was what _I_ was expecting. So, I didn’t snap at him. I tried for a reassuring smile, and leaned over to bump my shoulder against his, ignoring the way he gasped, staring down at the steep hill below.

“Yeah,” I told him, chewing my lower lip. “I’m okay.” I grinned because, that I was really okay… was kind of awesome.

And Shane grinned back, letting out a breath, before slowly moving off the wall, saying, “Right. Okay. So…” he glanced up at me, his eyes doing that thing where they close most of the way again. “Your house?”

Finally.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

For the next few days, I think I spent every spare moment I had with Shane. For no other reason than when he wasn’t around, I couldn’t really think about anything else. I’m not sure if it was just because Shane was new, and I was still finding out more and more about him every day—and I already knew everything there was to know about Ryan and Chloe—but it was easy to just kind of put everything else on hold.

I was pretty sure I was being pathetic. But I couldn’t really bring myself to care. When I wasn’t around Shane, I wanted to be, and when I was around him, I had to have him close, and when I had him close, it never really felt like close enough.

It was kind of an exhausting feeling, but I couldn’t get rid of it. And I wasn’t exactly complaining. It was exhausting, but it definitely wasn’t bad. I liked him. A lot. And I really liked seeing the bright eyed smile he’d get every time I showed up at his house unannounced, or hearing the pleased way he said hi when I called him out of the blue just to say what’s up. I liked _him_.

I do this thing, where I obsess…you might have noticed.

But Shane didn’t seem to mind. Not yet, at least, though, it had only really been two days since I started showering him in my attention. He actually seemed to like it, except when it came to homework, which was damn near impossible to get done with him around. And since I wanted him around all the time…

…Well, homework was damn near impossible.

Shane sighed, after having explained some equation to me for the third time and having me sort of laugh and inform him that he chews his pencils when he’s reading. Which is gross, and he probably knew that, but whatever. I just noticed.

“Jake…” he said, looking torn between amusement and exasperation. “Come on.”

“No,” I told him, rolling my eyes. “I didn’t actually invite you over for homework, you know. I do homework with Chloe and Ry. I was using code speak.”

Shane laughed, dropping his pencil onto his book. “You should have said that on the phone. I would have finished mine before I came over.”

I shook my head. “Code speak doesn’t work if you _say_ its code. Dumb ass.” I pushed his book aside, moving closer.

“Jake,” he said, actually scooting back, away from me. “I have to finish.”

“No, you don’t,” I said, and honestly, I didn’t care if I sounded desperate or whatever. I kind of was. Five days. Five whole days since he had his hand down my pants. And since I was okay with it, and I was pretty sure he was, I really didn’t understand why, or _how_ we could have been in my house _alone_ three times since then and still…nothing. It was ridiculous and if I ruined one more pair of sheets, my mom was bound to say something.

“I started it,” Shane went on, backed against my head board, with me still moving closer. “I should finish it.”

“You shouldn’t have started in the first place,” I told him, laughing. “I mean, I locked my door, dude. Who locks their door for _homework_? Not me. You’re kind of clueless.”

Apparently, that was hilarious, because Shane cracked up. “ _I’m_ clueless?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Well, yeah,” I said, grinning. “Kind of.”

Shane snorted, and then laughed loudly when I started toward him again. “Remember when you wouldn’t even kiss me unless I started it? I miss that.”

That had me frowning and I paused, sitting back to study him. “Seriously?”

Shane shook his head, not even bothering to think about it. “No. Not really.” He grinned, and sighed, reaching out to grab the front of my shirt. “Come here,” he said, like it was some big chore, or like he was doing it to appease me. Ha. Lies.

“You don’t have, like, pencil shavings in your mouth, right?” I said, smirking.

Shane just rolled his eyes and pulled me in to kiss him.

No pencil shavings. Not that I could taste.

It was late when Shane left, and since he was still being…I don’t know, weird, I ended up jerking off in the shower. I was serious about my sheets. Mom was already giving me strange looks, though that might have something to do with the fact that I changed them twice on Tuesday.

It was _really_ late when I heard my bedroom window slide open, and my brain was definitely stuck on Shane in the worst way, because I actually smiled like I thought it was him. Which was ridiculous because I was pretty sure Shane would never do something stupid like come over to my house in the middle of the night to crawl through my window.

It was Ryan. But it isn’t something stupid for him, because he’d been doing it since he was tall enough to reach the branches in the tree on the side of my house and be able to climb up. After that, he did it all the time. Usually when he has a problem. The last time he climbed through my window in the middle of the night was when his dad threatened to put him in lock-up, at the boys’ home for troubled youth.

I lost the grin pretty much the second Ryan tumbled through the window, and I pulled my mind away from all things Shane long enough to realize it was him.

“Ry?” I asked in a harsh whisper, sitting up in bed. Ryan grunted and tripped over his feet, falling to the ground again.

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, trying to untangle myself from my sheets to get up. “It’s two in the morning, and my parents will probably kill something if you wake them up.”

“Sorry,” Ry said, not bothering to stand up again. He just kind of rolled over onto his back, and let out a deep breath. I waited for him to continue, but the fucker actually looked like he was falling asleep.

“Ry,” I snapped, only raising my voice slightly above the whisper I’d been using. Mostly because I wasn’t kidding about my parents.

“Hmm?” he mumbled, lifting a hand to scratch his chest, which was stupid because there’s no way he felt it through his hoodie.

“What the fuck are you doing here?” I replied. I was worried, sure, but I was also tired, and a little nervous, because I was pretty sure the Jakey, Ryan sleepovers would go extinct after Ry knew.

“Can’t go home,” Ryan mumbled his brow furrowing. He opened his eyes to look up at me before continuing. “Got in a fight with Dad earlier,” he said, with a half shrug. “I came over right after school, but you were gone so I went to Colin’s.”

Shane and I hadn’t gotten to my house until around five, so I wasn’t surprised. I did feel a little guilty though.

“Colin’s?” I repeated, frowning. If Ry had a problem, I sincerely doubted Colin would be able to do anything to fix it.

Ry nodded. “He got me stoned and now, I’m pretty sure if I go home, my dad will bury me alive out back with my old ferret.”

There wasn’t a lot about that that really surprised me. None of it did, except for the stoned part; because Ryan didn’t do shit like that. He was a swimmer, and he always sort of laughed and told Colin to fuck off when he offered.

“What?” was pretty much my best response, so I went with it.

Ryan shook his head with another half shrug. I wanted to kick him. Or possibly Colin.

“Anyway,” Ryan said. “I tried driving around, but it started to make me sick, so, I’m here for the night.” He rolled over onto his side. “If you’re going to feel me up, at least try and make it good.”

And then I did kick Ryan, while he was down too, but I was pretty sure he deserved it.

“Asshole,” I muttered, shaking my head as I turned away.

“Yeah,” Ry snorted, dazedly reaching for his side to rub at the place I kicked him. “But it’s fun.”

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, moving to sit on the edge of my bed, away from him just in case I felt like kicking again. “What’s your problem?”

Ry shook his head. “Nope,” he said, taking a deep breath. “Don’t feel like talking. I came over earlier, and I waited, and I called after I left and you didn’t answer, so you miss out on the hallmark moment.” He rolled back onto his back and put his arms behind his head. “Fuck off, and leave me alone until next week.”

“You’re being a dick,” I stated flatly. And yeah, Ry was a dick all the time, just not usually like this. Not to me. And not usually when he was crashing at my house to keep his ass out of trouble. Which made everything a little more insulting.

“No, shit,” Ryan replied, laughing. “I think it’s because I’m pissed at you.”

Well. That made two of us. I didn’t really see what right he had to be pissed at _me_ , though. I hadn’t done anything wrong.

“I didn’t do anything,” I said out loud, sighing because I was getting really tired of fighting with people I didn’t want to be fighting with. It gets old and this fight seemed pointless in more ways than I could count because, like I said, I didn’t do anything.

“Yeah, I know,” Ryan said. “I’m pretty sure I’ll be over it when I wake up. But, for now, I think I’m pissed at you. And I’m too tired to get over it.”

“Then why the fuck are you here?” I asked. I thought it was a valid question, but Ryan actually sat up and turned to glare at me.

Glares don’t look the same when the eyes they’re coming from can’t seem to focus and are sort of glazed over, but I got the point.

I cringed. Because Ryan and I were still best friends, even if he was pissed at me and I should know that. Or something. And I should also remember that even if Ryan refused to talk like a normal person, he’d be home in his own bed asleep if there wasn’t something wrong.

So, I gave him a pass. I didn’t apologize, but I decided not to ask him to either. “You sleeping on the floor?” I asked, sighing.

Ry nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and I wasn’t offended. Even if Ryan would have slept in my bed a month ago. I didn’t question it, and I didn’t analyze it.

I grabbed a pillow and tossed it to him, before making my way to the closet to get him a blanket. He mumbled his thanks when I threw it to him, and I climbed into bed, wondering if Ryan and I could get away with skipping first period for more sleep when I took a look at my alarm clock again. Two-thirty a.m. looks ugly when you know you have school in the morning.

I turned away, facing my door so I wouldn’t have to look at it. And I’d almost drifted back to sleep when I heard Ryan speak again.

“Hey… Jakey?” he said, in a thick sort of whisper. The Jakey thing is something that Ryan usually does when he’s making fun of me, but every now and then he slips into it when he’s in one of his darker moods, and he’s trying to cheer himself up. When he wants to lighten the mood. Or just when he wants to say something that he knows is going to sound cheesy and he doesn’t know how to do it except to make a joke out of it.

“Hmm?” I asked, rolling back over to look at him, even though he wasn’t looking at me.

Ry was silent for a moment too long, and I thought he might have passed out, but just when I was about to roll back over, he shifted, rolling away, turning his back to me.

“It’s Mom’s birthday tomorrow,” he said finally. He didn’t say anything else. Didn’t really need to.

“Oh,” I said after a few more seconds of silence, during which I let myself feel guilty. I hadn’t ever really forgotten before. “So, I guess that makes me the asshole.”

“I kind of think it does,” Ryan replied, but he didn’t really sound angry. Just tired, mostly. Like he’d had a really long day.

A really long day that I hadn’t been around for. Obsession…or whatever it was…was bad. Check.

It was starting to feel like everything I did was wrong in some way. Every time I thought I was doing right by one person, I ended up fucking another over. Like the way I neglected Shane when I was trying to fix things with Ryan. It was the same now, only reversed, and I felt like shit. Again.

There had to be, like, a balance somewhere.

I sighed, pulling myself out of bed again, almost tripping over the sheets tangled up in my legs as I did. I walked over to him and nudged his hip again with my toes until he opened his eyes and glared up at me.

“Take the bed,” I said, because, apologies with me and Ry are never fun, and whenever we actually have something to apologize for, just saying sorry never seems like enough. And I was pretty sure sympathy of any kind would only piss Ryan off.

Ry didn’t really need to be told twice, and he got up, leaving the blanket and the pillow on the floor for me, and crawled into my bed. He tossed me the second pillow, though, which was cool. I doubted I’d sleep with just one.

“We’re skipping school tomorrow,” I told him. “And after we visit your mom, we’re coming back here for sleep. A lot of sleep.”

It was a long time before Ryan said anything, and when he did, he didn’t agree with me, but he didn’t disagree either. He just shifted around on the bed for a second, before he let out a breath and said, “Goodnight, bro.”

“Night, Ry.”


	16. Chapter 16

We didn’t talk about it. The next morning, when Ryan and I woke up to my parents yelling at me for ignoring my alarm clock, we pretty much ignored the night before altogether. If he was mad, he wasn’t showing it, and if I felt guilty, I didn’t apologize. It works for us.

I sent Shane a text message while Ry was in the shower, letting him know I wasn’t going to school that day. He sent me one back, promising to pick up my work with a little cheesy ass smiley face that kind of had me cringing and grinning at the same time. I was so glad Ryan wasn’t around to witness it. I was definitely reaching new levels of pathetic. He’d never let me live it down.

I told Shane he was lame, and that I didn’t want him to pick up my homework unless he planned on doing it for me, but he offered to do it _with_ me, which, okay not as great, but I was up for it. I promised I’d drop by his house when school was out.

When he got out of the shower, Ryan didn’t even bother coming back into the room. He just went downstairs, already dressed, to have breakfast with my parents. It made me smile in a way I’d never tell Ryan about and it sort of made me…miss him. It’s stupid, because he was there, and I saw him every day, but it reminded me of how Ryan and I used to be, back when it was just…me and him. He was just always _there_. We were always in each other’s space, and it was annoying sometimes, but it was kind of, I don’t know; cool to have someone so solid. Always just right there.

Maybe it was all the drama, or the fact that I’d spent a huge chunk of the last couple months working toward giving myself an ulcer, but I didn’t notice how much we’d kind of…broken away from each other. We still spent time together every goddamn day, but it wasn’t the _every spare minute_ kind of time we used to spend together.

We were still cool though. He was still my best friend, and he could still read me like nobody else, and…I wouldn’t have thought we’d be the same without spending as much time together as we did, but we were. We were still us.

I showered quickly and jogged down the stairs to the kitchen just in time to see my mom slap Ryan’s arm, an appalled look on her face, and I didn’t even need to ask what had happened.

“Pervert,” I said, smirking at Ryan.

Ryan shrugged. “I’m young and curious,” he said, like it was an excuse. He’d been using that particular one ever since he got away with going through Chloe’s underwear drawer back when we were kids. My mom came to his defense with that line and Ryan latched on and never let go. It worked the first time he used it, because we were nine and everyone thought it was adorable or hilarious or whatever.

It didn’t work so well anymore. My mom slapped him again, and my dad hid a grin behind his coffee cup.

“Your mother’s abusing me,” Ryan informed me, like it was the coolest thing in the world. Whatever.

“It’s not so fun if you live with her,” I muttered, and my mom leveled a glare at me. Which is creepily just as affective as a slap.

Ryan laughed eyes bright. “Breakfast with the Cleavers is just the greatest.”

I rolled my eyes, but I didn’t say anything. Ryan got like that sometimes when he was with my family. Chloe’s too. He got playful, giddy, and sarcastic—more so than usual. It wasn’t a big deal. I’d gone with him over to Colin’s once and Ryan hit on Colin’s mom. As long as he never went there with mine, I was totally cool with the cheery smiles.

Especially that day. I hadn’t expected him to _cry_ or anything. Ry didn’t really do that. I just hadn’t expected him to be able to pull off ‘cheery’. I wasn’t going to complain about it, though.

Breakfast went by quickly and mom reminded me to make sure I was home and ready for her little dinner party by six and I pretended to actually care. Ryan didn’t when she invited him. He just grinned and politely informed her that he’d rather die a slow, painful death, because Mrs. Keats quotes scripture at him every time he makes eye contact with _anything_ because she thinks he’s got the devil in him.

“Your family is awesome,” Ryan said as we left and I grimaced, shaking my head at him.

“Uhm, no, dude,” I said. “My family is lame.”

Ryan nodded, without even bothering to think about it. “Yeah, but your mom _cooks_. Like actual food. My dad bought a deep freezer so we’d have more room for frozen pizza and hot pockets.” He frowned, the look on his face suggesting that just thinking about it was kind of making him want to get sick. “You know,” he went on. “My mom would totally kill him if she knew.”

I wasn’t really sure whether I was supposed to laugh at that or not. I wasn’t used to laughing at anything when it came to Ry’s mom, and the fact that he was in a good mood while we were on our way to see her, kind of threw me off.

“Uhm,” I said. “You could tell her.”

Ry snorted. “Yeah, I could.” He shook his head. “Hey, do you think she’ll really turn over in her grave? If I tell her, I mean.”

It felt like a trick. He was being all light and _happy_ and it definitely wasn’t like him.

“Dude,” I muttered, shifting uncomfortably. “What’s up?”

Ry didn’t even pretend not to know what I was talking about, which was cool. It saved time. He just sat there silently for a moment before he shrugged. “Birthday’s are supposed to be fun, right? Besides, Mom would have totally thought that was hilarious.”

She would have. I barely thought about her anymore, but I’d always liked Ry’s mom. She was easy to be around. Easier than my own mom, even. She was easy to talk to, mostly because she gave off this vibe like she already knew what you were going to say and it was _okay_ with her already, so you might as well just come out with it.

I missed her when I actually took the time to think about her, and when she died, I remember wondering how the hell Ryan was dealing with it, when even I was having a hard time. Just…it sucked.

We spent the rest of the drive toward the cemetery in silence, which was cool with me. Usually when we went, we spent the _entire_ drive in silence, so I was just grateful for what little conversation we had.

Ryan parked near the entrance of the cemetery, just past the giant iron gates the same as he always does. It’s actually not against the rules to drive up to the graves and there are small roads to get there, but Ry thinks it’s rude. I kind of agreed with him. And actually, maybe I’m the one that brought up the fact that it was rude. I had a hard time even walking toward her grave, stumbling awkwardly and sidestepping to make sure I didn’t step on someone’s grave. It’s one of the only lame things I can get away with without Ryan giving me shit.

We don’t usually talk to her. I say hi, and Ry always looks like he wants to hit me for a second, but mostly we just stand there. Sometimes, Ry leaves things for her, but that’s it. I say hi, we sit in silence and leave. We were never there longer than fifteen minutes.

Except this time.

“Did you know Jake’s queer, Mom?” Ryan asked, after I said hello, and I actually tensed up, like she was going to start in on me for it.

And then I laughed because…really, I’m so lame sometimes. Besides, I don’t think she would have had a problem with it if she were around. It used to be hard for me to think that there was _anyone_ that wouldn’t have a problem with it, but…you know, I was unreasonable and stupid. Whatever the case, I was thinking about Mrs. Lucas now, and I was almost positive she’d have just grinned at me, and given Ry and me lectures about acceptance or something.

I also kind of liked that Ry was telling her. It was easy to get offended by him bringing it up, but I couldn’t right then. Ry wouldn’t have brought it up, just to be vindictive. Not there, with his mom. At least, I was pretty sure he wouldn’t and I turned to shoot him a grateful grin, but he was frowning.

“I mean, gay,” he corrected himself. “Sorry.”

I bit my lip to hold back my laugh because the apology wasn’t for me. He was looking at his mom’s headstone, the way he used to look at his mom when he’d slip up and curse in front of her.

“Dude?” I said, raising an eyebrow.

Ry glared at me. “Shut up.”

“Yeah, alright,” I said, but only because I wasn’t sure how much teasing he’d take, considering. I mean, I guessed there wasn’t anything wrong with him talking to her…or with anything he just did, but it wasn’t really like him.

Ry kept talking to her, though, about stupid stuff. He kept shooting me these awkward little glances, like he expected me to give him shit for it…and normally, I’d think I was duty bound to do so, but it seemed really out of place. And anyway, being a momma’s boy stops being lame when your mother dies. Or maybe it was never lame.

Whatever. I didn’t say anything about it. I thought it was kind of cool, anyway.

We walked back to the car in silence. Well, mostly silence. I was scuffing my feet on the gravel of the path toward the car, and coughing every so often to make noise, but I so wasn’t being as subtle as I hoped. Ry smirked at me over his shoulder, but I forgave him when he started whistling. Even if it was the theme to Halloween.

“Do you want to go to school?” Ryan asked as we neared the car. “There’s not really anything else to do, and I might actually fail Chemistry if I don’t start showing up, but I…”

He trailed off and I ran into him when he stopped. “Well, fuck,” he said, which kind of surprised me, because his dad was totally standing right there, and Ry didn’t even bother lowering his voice.

His dad didn’t even flinch, though. “You’re not at school,” Mr. Lucas pointed out. And yeah, duh.

Ry rolled his eyes, and started walking again, right past his dad toward his car. I followed as quickly as I could without actually running.

“I told you I wasn’t going,” Ryan said.

“I told _you_ that you didn’t have a choice,” Mr. Lucas returned.

Ryan shrugged, and snorted. “I didn’t listen. You might have noticed.”

“Ryan,” Mr. Lucas said, his tone stern. “Turn around.”

Ryan laughed. “No,” he said, simply, slotting the key into the car door.

I was doing my best to pretend I wasn’t there, which would be a hell of a lot easier when Ryan unlocked the doors so I could get into the car.

He wasn’t quick enough.

Ry had just turned his key when his dad caught up to us and he grabbed Ryan’s arm to pull him back around.

I immediately tensed up, taking a step toward the two of them. I have no idea what I thought I was going to do to help, but… I knew Ryan and his dad fought, but I’d never seen Mr. Lucas lay a hand on him, and Ryan never said anything like that, although right then…Mr. Lucas looked angry enough to do it.

Ryan jerked away from him, angrily though. He started yelling, but I couldn’t really hear anything with Mr. Lucas yelling at the same time. I wondered idly if either of them could hear the other.

I couldn’t move. It was weird, just standing there watching, and more than a little awkward, but I couldn’t move. It was in my nature to back Ry up when he was fighting with someone but it’s different when the person he was fighting with was his dad. I couldn’t really get involved there.

They calmed down though. They stopped yelling and I relaxed a little when Ry leaned against the hood and it looked like neither of them was moving any closer to the other. I could finally hear what they were saying, but I was actually making an effort not to listen. I doubted Ryan would want me to hear it. I went around to Ry’s side of the car, opened the door and unlocked it myself before going back to my side to climb in. And then, I _really_ couldn’t hear anything.

I could see though. Mr. Lucas said something after a while and Ryan’s jaw clenched at the same time his fists did. But it wasn’t the way he looked when he was about to get into a fight. It was the way he looked when he was about to fucking cry and I was on the verge of getting out of the car again to drag him away from his asshole of a father when Mr. Lucas’ face fell and he stepped forward.

I had my hand on the handle, ready to…intervene or whatever, but Mr. Lucas didn’t grab Ry again. He hugged him.

Which might not be out of the ordinary for most people, but I hadn’t seen it happen since I was a kid. I sort of felt like I shouldn’t be seeing it happen _now_. If Ryan wouldn’t have wanted me to see the fight, I was sure he’d like it even less that I saw the hug, but I couldn’t look away.

Ry sort of just stood there, tensed for long moments before he hugged back. And Mr. Lucas was saying something to him, and Ry didn’t like it, but he nodded once, before breaking away, to come get into the car.

He didn’t start it. We just sat there, watching Ry’s dad disappear off toward Ry’s mom’s grave.

I waited as long as I could stand the silence, and then I waited longer. Until Ryan’s eyes looked slightly less red, and then I cleared my throat.

“It’s nothing,” Ryan said, shaking his head. “I’ll tell you when I’m not being such a fucking queer…or whatever about all this.” He paused and turned to look at me, frustrated and tired. “Sorry. I meant…”

“I know,” I cut him off. “Forget it.”

“Yeah,” he said, and sighed, leaning forward to rest his head on the steering wheel.

I let him sit there. I dealt with the silence and waited for him to take a breath to steady himself. “Are we going back to school?” he asked finally.

I thought about it for all of a second before shaking my head. “Nah,” I said. “Remember when we used to get in trouble all the time for sneaking down to the river to swim?”

Ry grinned, and started the car. “If I freeze my nuts off, I’m taking yours,” he said, and that was it.

We didn’t swim.

We tried. We waded out until the water was up to our knees, and we sort of stood there, shoving each other, both of us trying to get the other to take the plunge, but neither of us would do it. We called it quits when we both slipped on the smooth rocks below our bare feet and felt flat on our asses, glaring at each other, completely breathless from the shock of the cold water.

We hung out there at the river, though, even if we didn’t swim. It was where we spent most of our time when we were younger and Chloe’s mom was too paranoid to let us swim in her pool without her supervision.

We sat out in the grass up by the picnic tables just off the river walk, to dry off, and then we lay there longer, playing stupid word games and talking about random bullshit that was never going to happen.

“Spy or assassin?” Ryan asked. “Which one would you be?”

“What’s the difference?” I asked, brow furrowing as I thought about it.

Ry shrugged. “Uhm…one kills people.”

“Oh,” I said and thought about it for a second longer before saying, “spy.”

“Pussy,” Ryan said.

“Psycho,” I shot back. “Besides…I think spies totally kill people too.”

“No they don’t,” Ryan said knowledgably.

“How would you know?”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Spies _spy_ ,” he said. “Assassins kill.”

“Right,” I said, grudgingly because really, you can’t argue with that kind of logic.

“I bet assassins spy too,” Ryan mused when I didn’t say anything else. “I mean, they have to, right?”

I shrugged. “Probably,” I said, and then just because it seemed like the logical place to go from there, I said, “I spy something green.”

“Leaves,” Ryan said, without blinking at the subject change. “Obviously. I spy something white.”

“Cloud. Obviously.”

And that was it. It was probably the most unproductive day of my entire existence, but it didn’t feel wasted. We left when our stomachs started interrupting the conversation flow, both of us talking about being light headed or hungry enough to eat a cow, and then a giraffe and that turned into a competition to see which of us could think of the most disgusting animal to hypothetically eat. Ryan won when he suggested we eat my dad.

I would have expected the day to go by unbearably slow, because we really didn’t have _anything_ to do. But it flew by. We were back at my house playing video games and eating pickles with ice cream—Ryan thought they were both so awesome they had to be good together—when I looked at the clock and saw that school had been out for two hours.

And fuck, I’d completely forgotten about Shane.

“Dude, what’s up?” Ryan asked, and I looked up to see that I’d crashed my car into a corner, and my character was screaming as he burned alive.

“Uhm…nothing,” I said, shaking my head. It’d been a good day and Ryan and I hadn’t really hung out like that in months. I didn’t really want to just leave and I figured Shane would be cool with it, if I explained. “Forget it.”

“Jake,” Ry said, dropping his controller. “What’s up?”

I debated on whether or not I should say, before I decided I was being a freak. “It’s nothing,” I said. “I’ve just got to call Shane real quick.”

Ry smirked. “Need to check in,” he teased, and yeah, maybe I deserved that after all the times I gave him shit when he started acting a little weird over a girl.

I shoved him. “No, I just…he got my homework, and I said I’d go over. I just gotta call…”

“Or you could go,” Ry interrupted, frowning. “I don’t need a sitter.”

“I know,” I said, quickly. “I just…” I shrugged lamely. “We’re busy, right?”

“Jake,” Ryan sighed, shaking his head. “I’m actually not going to break if you leave. Besides, Chloe insisted on getting my work and I should probably go do that anyway.”

“You called Chloe?” I asked, jumping on a subject change. Yeah, I wanted to see Shane, but I was definitely going to feel like a sorry excuse for a best friend if I left.

It didn’t actually work.

“Yeah,” Ryan said, getting up. “So, I’ll just go over there, while you go…do whatever.”

I really hated this. Every fucking time I left Ryan and Chloe to hang with Shane it was awkward. And it was almost as bad when I told Shane I couldn’t hang out with him because I had plans with Ryan and Chlo. Like, when I told him we were going out for ice cream with Lindsey it just got…quiet.

It was just hard, trying to balance everything out and I was tired of it.

“Or,” I said when Ryan started walking away. “Or you could come with me.”

“To Shane’s?” Ryan said, looking skeptical.

“Yeah,” I said. “Chloe’s probably busy anyway, if she hasn’t called. And…you know. It could be fun.”

“Right,” Ryan snorted. “No thanks.”

“Seriously,” I said. “It’s not like we’re going to do anything. Besides, I want a ride.”

Ry raised an eyebrow at me, and stared for a second before shaking his head. “Whatever,” he said. “Got nothing better to do.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I decided that taking Ryan to Shane’s was a bad idea before we even got past Shane’s front porch. Shane looked happy to see me for all of the three seconds it took for him to catch Ry standing just behind me. I’d thought that Shane was over it. I’d thought that Ryan was the only one with issues, but apparently, I was wrong.

Shane immediately went tense, standing up straighter, jaw clenching, lips settling in a thin line.

It was only hot for like, a second before I shook it off. Ryan was right behind me. So not going there.

“What’s going on?” Shane asked, his tone flat. “Is something wrong?”

I shook my head. “No,” I said, trying on a grin to try and get him to relax. It didn’t even come close to working. Shane just raised an eyebrow as if to ask me what the hell I was doing there with Ryan if nothing was wrong, so I shrugged, a little awkwardly, and added, “We just came to chill.”

Shane looked at me like I’d just randomly suggested it might be fun to see which of us could stand on hot coals longest without flinching. He didn’t even bother trying to hide the look from Ryan, and actually turned it on him after a second.

“ _You_ want to hang _here_ ,” he said slowly, eyebrows rising with each word.

“Uhm, _no_ ,” Ry said, like it should be obvious. “Jake does.”

“Then why did you come?” Shane shot back.

“Nothing better to do,” Ry said with an easy shrug. “I’m in the mood to be miserable, and my dentist refused to do any kind of drilling on account of my fucking perfect teeth.” Ry grinned brightly, showing them off.

Shane actually growled a little.

It’s possible I might not have thought this one through. It’d been awhile since I’d been around the both of them at the same time for any amount of time, and I _forgot_ how much it sucked. I swore it had never been this bad before, and I wasn’t sure if the reason it was _now_ was because we were at Shane’s house and the last time Shane and Ryan had been on that porch, they’d apparently tried to beat the crap out of each other.

I kind of wanted to get out of there. I definitely didn’t want to be in the middle of this fight. I really didn’t know why I thought it was a good idea to bring Ryan along. Or to go at all. I just…I felt so fucking torn sometimes trying to split my time between the two of them, and I wasn’t really sure how to balance it out, so hanging out with them at the same time seemed like a good idea.

It wasn’t. I was pretty sure I’d only feel _more_ torn with the two of them fighting. Each other. With me in the middle and God, I hoped I wouldn’t have to pick a side.

“Uhm,” I said, mostly to stop the two of them glaring at each other. It worked.

They both turned to me at the same time, and it was funny watching them…change. Shane’s look immediately softened and Ryan, who’d looked completely relaxed while he was having his little showdown with Shane, let his shoulders drop, and with that fake ass smile he’d put on for Shane’s benefit gone, he looked thoroughly exhausted.

I definitely didn’t think this one through. It was just never going to work.

We stood on the porch in an uneasy silence for a minute longer than I wanted to do anything that awkward, _ever_ , but I couldn’t figure out what to do. Ry and I couldn’t stay, obviously, but I couldn’t really figure out the best way to bail without looking like I was bailing.

“You gonna invite us in anytime soon?” Ry asked, with exaggerated cheer.

If just one of them would back the fuck down, I was sure the other would follow suit and the moment would just be mildly awkward instead of the suffocating awkward it currently was.

Jesus.

Shane actually looked like he was going to say no, but Ryan was challenging him. I’d hoped Shane was going to miss that.

Shane lost the frown, and a second later replaced it with a tight smile fake enough to match Ryan’s. He pushed the door wide open in invitation, but he didn’t move. He just waited.

I really don’t know which one of them I wanted to smack more.

And then Ry was glaring. Shane didn’t budge.

“Seriously, guys,” I snapped. I may or may not have kicked the doorjamb. Can you guess which of the three of us does not respond well to stress? Yeah. I thought you could.

Both Ryan and Shane turned to look at me again, but I actually got my mouth to work this time.

“Grow the fuck up,” I said, and Shane frowned, looking taken aback.

“He start…” Ry said, and then snapped his mouth shut.

He didn’t finish that sentence. I was glad. Ryan’s not stupid and we all knew that the words ‘he started it’ were only really going to make my point for me.

We were all silent for a moment longer, and it was Shane that broke the silence in the end, sighing and stepping away from the door to let us walk by without having to run into him to do it. I actually didn’t really want to stay, didn’t want to be caught in the middle of whatever the hell was _still_ wrong with him and Ryan, but I didn’t know how to back out.

I sighed and stepped forward. His shoulder brushed mine on the way in, and it could have been an accident.

I decided to take it as an apology. It’s what the look on his face said anyway, and I did notice Ryan didn’t come close to touching Shane on his way in.

“My room’s upstairs,” Shane said the second the door was closed. It occurred to me that he said pretty much the same thing to me the first time I was there, though the tone was different. We never really spent much time with his family. I was grateful for it.

And just like the first time I was there, we didn’t even make it close to Shane’s room before his mom was calling us.

She was sitting on the sofa like she normally was every time I was there, except this time, she had Mykel’s head in her lap, and she was running her fingers through Mykel’s hair as she slept. Normally, I only offered her a wave before I was racing up the stairs to get on the other side of Shane’s bedroom door, and she hadn’t called us back since the first time I was there.

The fact that it was probably Ryan’s appearance that had her calling me back this time, had me flinching on Ry’s behalf and frowning on Shane’s. Shane looked like he was in pain.

“Uhm,” Shane said, turning around slowly, taking hesitant steps toward his mom. We were all silent when we got into the living room, and Shane had this look on his face like he was trying to decide how to tactfully inform his mother that she didn’t have to meet Ryan because Ryan wasn’t his friend.

Ryan looked _lost_ and I didn’t need long to figure out why. He hated Shane. He was trying to make that clear, and play the part of the badass or whatever the hell he was doing, but Ryan didn’t know how to be rude to mothers.

“Shane?” his mom said, raising her eyebrows.

Shane cleared his throat. “This is Jake’s friend, Ryan.” He turned to Ryan. “And this is my mom.” He glared at Ryan, jaw set, doing his damnedest to let Ryan know there’d be hell to pay if he was an ass to his mom.

It wasn’t really necessary.

Ry nodded at Shane’s mom, hand raised in a half wave. I don’t think I’d ever seen him look so awkward. “Hi, Mrs. Tickersine,” he said, softly.

It occurred to me that it might be a bad day for Ryan to be meeting any mothers. He didn’t even like being around mine or Chlo’s on days like these. I tensed.

Shane’s mom smiled at Ryan, tilting her head. “Shy?” she asked, and I bit my tongue quick to hold back my snort at that.

Ry snorted though, and shook his head. “Not really,” he said honestly.

It’s hard to imagine Ryan ever being polite, especially not _genuinely_ polite. But he actually can do it. He’d known mine and Chloe’s parents so long, and they knew him so well that he didn’t really bother tiptoeing around them. They knew how he was and he didn’t really bother hiding it around them but he was always respectful. It was different, though, with Shane’s mom. Weird, and I wasn’t the only one that thought so.

Shane was staring at Ryan, still tensed, like he thought it was a joke and he was waiting for Ryan to open up his mouth and call his mother a whore.

“You boys hungry?” Shane’s mom asked after what was probably only a few seconds of silence, but felt a hell of a lot longer considering the list of things I’d rather have been doing at the moment included _every fucking thing else in the world_.

“No,” Shane said at the same time that Scottie—who I hadn’t even noticed sitting on the floor in the corner with a complicated puzzle spread out before him—said, “Yeah.”

Shane’s mom smiled at Scottie and moved her hands to lift Mykel’s head from her lap, but she stopped when Shane spoke.

“I’ll get it,” Shane snapped, glaring at Scottie. Scottie looked apologetic for a second, muttered “Thanks,” and went back to his puzzle.

Shane had the weirdest family ever. The fact that parents made me uneasy in general wasn’t the only reason I rushed upstairs every time I visited. His family in particular was just kind of weird.

Shane’s mom waved him off. “I’ve got a casserole in the oven,” she said, gently moving Mykel’s head from her lap. “I’ve got it. Go on upstairs; I’ll have Scottie bring you up a plate.”

Shane shook his head, turning to me. “I’ll be up,” he said quickly, and then paused to shoot me a smile before turning back to his mom.

“I’m taller than you,” he said, his tone teasing, but it sounded forced. “I don’t know how you expect to reach the plates without me when Dad’s not here.”

She rolled her eyes at him, in that fond way that most mothers have. “You have company. I know I taught you better manners than that.”

She heaved herself up off the sofa, and immediately went into one of her coughing fits.

Shane rushed forward. Scottie’s jumped up, puzzle pieces scattering every which way.

And Ryan beat them both.

Shane looked completely taken aback. I really wasn’t surprised. Ry was used to catching Chloe’s mom when she had her dizzy spells.

He lowered her to the couch, and she smiled at him, but shook her head. “I’m fine,” she insisted, and really…she was trying to be. Her face was kind of ashen, but then, it always was.

“Yeah, I know,” Ryan said, and he was smiling but he kind of looked like he was in pain.

It’s so not even the slightest bit funny…but this was when I finally caught on. Shane’s mom was always sick and weak and Shane and Scottie always jumped to do every little thing for her. I just assumed that they were mama’s boys. Kind of like Ryan. But standing there, seeing Ryan look at her like he was actually afraid, and seeing the matching worried faces Shane and his brother wore—that was when I finally got it.

I don’t think there are words in any language that express how much of a self-absorbed ass I sometimes am. Ry had been there for five fucking minutes. I’d been there time and time again over the past couple months. I’d heard about the doctor’s appointments.

Jesus. Fucking. Christ.

“I’ve got it, Mom,” Shane said in a firm tone that would have had me grounded.

“Shane,” she sighed, tired and maybe a little embarrassed. “It’s just a cough, baby; I’m not crippled.”

I’d have found a way to murder my mom if she ever called me any such thing in front of my friends. Shane softened. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ry beat him to it.

“We’re not either.”

Shane looked like he might be having some sanity issues.

“What’s that?” Shane’s mom asked Ryan, kindly.

“We’re not crippled either,” Ryan said, and then shrugged and took a breath. “My mom started making me fix my own plates when I was, like, eleven. Said unless there was something I wasn’t telling her, I didn’t have an in house maid, and if I wanted one, I was going to have to start paying her. I tried, but the paper route just didn’t pay enough.” He laughed, shaking his head. “Apparently, mothers don’t come cheap.”

That was actually true. I was there when Ryan had offered her a ten, and his mom laughed a solid five minutes before she made us lunch and then took Ryan and me to the store to spend our money.

There was a moment of silence in Shane’s living room before Shane’s mother burst into a laughing fit, coughing at the same time, but it wasn’t as bad as when she was standing.

Scottie laughed too. And then Shane.

“Alright,” Shane’s mom said after she’d calmed down and taken a drink. “Get it yourselves. Be careful taking it out of the oven.”

Shane was still smiling when we went into the kitchen. He took the casserole out of the oven and Scottie made himself a plate before he left us alone.

And we were back to awkward silences. I should have known when I woke up that there was just no way this day wasn’t going to be hell.

Shane sighed after a moment, and looked at Ryan. “Thanks,” he said, and he sounded genuine. “That was…cool.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

I didn’t say anything. Shane was actually talking to Ryan about it in a way. Which meant that he really wasn’t hiding anything, and he probably wouldn’t have had a problem talking to me about it. Which meant that I kind of suck. In a big way.

“Really,” Shane said, and sighed again. “Do you want some of this?” He waved at the casserole. “It’s better than it looks.”

Ry shook his head. “No,” he said, shortly.

“Ryan…” I started, but Ryan shook his head.

He sighed looking toward Shane. “I’m sorry about…you know.” He waved a hand toward the living room where Shane’s mom still was. “It sucks, but I still really don’t like you,” he said simply, before turning to me. “I’m gonna take off. Head to Chloe’s. You coming?”

And fuck if I knew what to say to that with both of them staring at me. I kind of wanted to stay with Shane to at least _start_ making up for what a complete dickhead I was. It seemed like I was always…fucking up with him. He was always there, and always cool about everything and I hadn’t given him a single fucking reason to be.

But Ry…I’d been an ass to him too, in a way, and it was his mom’s birthday, and yeah, Ryan looked fine, but he had to be faking it.

I was completely torn, and as awkward as it was, I really just wanted them both to _stay_.

I hesitated for a _second_ and Ryan nodded like I’d already given him an answer. “It’s cool,” he said, stepping back.

“Ry…” I started again, but he waved me off.

“I’ll get Chlo to do the tutor thing she likes doing and I’ll let you borrow my homework,” he said, like everything was fine. It wasn’t. “You’re totally going to owe me,” he went on, continuing toward the door to the kitchen. “I’ll catch you later.”

“Ryan,” I snapped, because I was going to go with him. I’d hesitated, but I really wasn’t going to just skip out on him. I liked Shane, and he was kind of constantly taking up space in my head lately, but Ryan…me and Chloe. We were pretty much it for him. Shane’s entire family was in the other room, and I was pretty sure they didn’t ignore him unless he either did something ‘worth’ noticing or he finally pissed them off enough to yell the way Ryan’s dad was with him.

“Seriously, dude,” Ryan said, looking frustrated. “I’m going to go chill with Chloe. I’m good.”

“I’m coming,” I said, and Ryan finally snapped.

“Stop making everything such a big fucking deal,” he said, and sighed before continuing, voice lowered. “I hung out with you all day, Jakey. I get that you’re needy, but you’ve got to learn to share. Chloe needs her time too.”

He paused, looking at me like he was trying to decide whether he was going to continue or not and apparently decided in favor of it. “I just forgot, Jake. About…you know.” He gestured between Shane and me. “I don’t need you to come with me.”

That last was said so low, I barely heard it and Ryan glared at Shane, daring him to say something about it.

Shane didn’t.

I still wasn’t sure about staying. Ryan…he was always really good at putting on an act, and I’d always known him well enough to be able to see through it and read between the lines so I could…do the best friend thing. But he looked serious.

“I am serious,” he replied, rolling his eyes at my slip. “I just forgot, bro.” He put on a grin. “But I _want_ you to stay if it means you’ll be getting some action.”

I laughed at that. It wasn’t a ‘ha ha, you’re funny kind of laugh’ though, it was more of a ‘I’m mortified right now, and I don’t know what else to do’ kind of laugh, but I couldn’t be mad when I remembered he’d said pretty much the same thing every time I hung out with a girl that wasn’t Chloe, and he was being genuine as far as I could tell.

“Jesus, Ry,” I muttered, resolutely _not_ looking at Shane after that comment.

Ry snorted. “Be a man,” he said. “Stay here. Don’t pussy out the way you did with Tracy.”

Peer pressure is sometimes kind of awesome. And yeah, I was a little embarrassed with Ryan smirking at me suggestively with Shane standing right there. The lack of any below the belt action since the first time was kind of like the elephant in the room for me when I was with Shane, and it felt like Ryan was pointing it out, but…embarrassed or not, I grinned like the pathetic loser I totally am.

It felt like a _moment_.

God, I was totally a girl.

“Thanks, Ry,” I said, and Ry cringed.

“Whatever,” Ryan said, turning away. “I’ll catch you later right? You’re still coming?”

“Yeah,” I said, though, hell if I knew what the hell he was talking about. I figured he meant his house, and I didn’t ask. Of course I’d be there. I always went there.

“Cool,” he said, and waved over his shoulder before disappearing without another word.

“Huh,” Shane said, his tone surprised, as soon as Ryan was out of ear shot.

“What?” I asked, turning to face him.

“Nothing,” Shane replied, shaking his head, still staring after Ryan. “Nothing, it’s just…he’s actually trying. I didn’t think he would.”

“Oh.” I wasn’t really sure what else to say to that. I wondered if I should be offended, except, I hadn’t thought Ryan would try either.

“Yeah,” Shane said, and then shook himself, turning to face me. “So…are you actually hungry, or did you want to go upstairs?”

He grinned brightly at me, eyes shining, and I couldn’t help smiling back. Couldn’t stop the swelling in my chest, and Jesus when was it going to _stop_?

He stepped toward me, and I leaned in without thinking about it, but he just grabbed my hand and led me out of the kitchen.

“I went shopping with Caydence,” he told me as we started up the stairs. “You know, since you ditched me today.” He paused to grin at me before continuing. “She does this thing in the music store where she spins and picks out a random CD to try. We usually end up with something horrible, with songs about being up a river with out a paddle, or being screwed over, which is kind of how having the CD makes you feel, it sucks so bad but…”

“Shane,” I interrupted, grinning because I couldn’t help it when he started rambling like that. I shook it off though; schooling my face into something that I hoped looked genuine, and said, “I’m sorry.”

Shane lifted an eyebrow, as he moved into his room, waiting for me to follow before shutting the door behind him.

“Well…It wasn’t _that_ bad,” he said, slowly. “It’s a waste of cash, but I’m not going to go hungry because of it or anything. Anyway, the CD wasn’t that bad this time. I want to show you…”

I shook my head. “No, I meant…about your mom. She’s sick, right? Like… _really_ sick…” I don’t even know what I was trying to ask, and Shane’s smile pretty much vanished the second I said his mom’s name. He frowned deeper with every word out of my mouth, and I kind of wondered if maybe the only reason I was saying anything was to make myself feel better.

Sometimes, I wonder if I’m just generally _not_ a good person. But…whatever, I was trying.

“Oh,” Shane said, letting out a breath. He fidgeted with his hands, not meeting my eyes. “You know, I thought you were just being polite, not saying anything.”

For a second, I thought it might be a good idea to agree and let him think that, but it was too late. I totally just gave myself away and I didn’t want to lie anyway.

“I’m sorry,” I said, stepping close. “I didn’t…just…I thought…” I clenched my jaw and closed my eyes, fishing for the right words, but all I could find was, “I’m sorry, Shane.”

It was enough.

He stared at me for a long moment, tilting his head to the side, losing his smile. I bit my lip and just…let him look at me. He was always doing it, and it still made me feel fucking _weird_ because I never knew what he was looking for.

Whatever it was, I think he found it.

He let out a breath and reached for the hem of my shirt, tugging lightly to pull me in. He kissed me, soft and quick, nudging his nose against mine as he pulled away, and yeah, I was trying really hard to keep the contrite feeling I’d had pretty much since I caught on, but I couldn’t really do it. Not when he was all…sweet or whatever.

“It’s actually okay,” he said, pulling away. He turned away from me and went over to his dresser to grab a CD. “Hardly anyone notices, unless one of us says something. I thought you might have, because I’m always…taking her to the hospital, and you’ve been over a lot, but…” he shrugged, moving to put the CD into the stereo, but he didn’t press play.

“Mostly people just think she’s coughing because she quit smoking. Nobody really catches on…except apparently Ryan. Which was _weird_. She’s going to be okay, though. Doctors said they caught it early. It just…sucks because the shit they give her makes it worse. Normally she just coughs, but…the medicine or whatever makes her fucking _sick_ and tired and weak all the time.”

I dropped down onto his bed to just…listen. I didn’t know what to say, but it didn’t really seem like he was expecting an answer. He was just standing at his dresser, half leaning, half sitting on the edge of it, talking. He wasn’t even looking at me, but that was cool. There was still so fucking much I didn’t know about him.

“She’s stubborn,” he was saying. He laughed shaking his head. “It’s stupid. She’s…well, she’s not stupid. Scottie, and Dad, and me…we try to keep her off her feet. Dad says she should rest and she _won’t_. It’s fucking frustrating.”

“Yeah,” I said, and Shane finally looked at me. “I think I get it.”

I wasn’t sure if he really believed that she’d be alright, or if he just…needed to tell himself that, but I understood either way. And it was kind of cool, having him talk to me about his issues or whatever and not just about mine.

He straightened up and moved over to sit on the bed with me. “Anyway,” he said, and he looked almost shy suddenly, which threw me.

It always threw me when Shane was anything but completely confident and…I wasn’t sure that was really fair.

“I’m trying to think of a way to change the subject,” he said bluntly.

I let out a laugh, and pushed myself further onto the bed, pulling him with me. “We could listen to the CD you just put in,” I offered, reaching over to the nightstand to grab the remote to the stereo.

He grinned. “Right,” he said, like he’d forgotten. “I wanted to show you.” He grabbed the remote out of my hand. “There aren’t any words. It’s just music, but I was listening to it with Caydence and we were just letting it play in the background, while we were talking, and Caydence said that every time the music got all depressing, we’d start talking about like, starving kids in Africa or whatever, and when it got quicker we’d be laughing. I think it was a coincidence, but I’m totally going to find out.”

He actually looked excited, and I couldn’t really see why, but the excitement and his smile was contagious, so I grinned back at him and nodded toward the stereo.

“You gonna press play then?”

“You have to start talking first,” he said, and I laughed at how serious he was being.

“Okay,” I said. “About what?”

He rolled his eyes. “About whatever.”

It’s funny how I could find a million things to talk about any other time, but when he looked at me all expectantly, it was just a little too much pressure. I ended up starting by telling him what I had for breakfast, which was definitely lame, and _awkward_ but he laughed and I got over it. I segued into talking about this egg I found in the fridge once when I was a kid, and it was green, but I ate it anyway, because, you know, green _eggs_.

Shane laughed his ass off when I told him about how sick I got, and we relaxed. He pressed play and it wasn’t long before I forgot that the conversation was apparently some kind of experiment. But that was okay because I was pretty sure he forgot too.

Lately it’d been hard for me to be in the same room with Shane without touching him…kissing him. Something. We talked sometimes, sure, but a lot of those times, I was kind of torn between listening to the stories and watching his mouth shape the words as he told them, or watching his hands gesture wildly and the way his arms flexed as they did. Or the way his chest looked when he moved the right way and his shirt was pulled tighter against him.

This time, though, I listened. I’d kind of always assumed Shane was the quiet type. Not shy, but the kind of guy that didn’t really say much. But maybe I’d just been talking too much to fucking _listen_. That had to be it, because I’d started to notice that Shane rambled as much as I did, but he didn’t do it because he was nervous, and it wasn’t awkward. He didn’t do it often, but sometimes, he’d start to tell me something simple and he’d remember something else partway through and start telling me about that instead, and it’d be awhile before he got to his original point _if_ he didn’t forget first. It was hard to keep up with but I kind of liked it.

I’d just recently sworn I was going to make an effort to get to know Shane better. To take an interest in things that weren’t all about me, and I really _was_ trying.

But…the thing is, I didn’t really need to try at all. It was easy to just listen. It was _easy_ to keep the conversation going, because every time he finished telling me one story, I had a question that I was genuinely interested in knowing the answer to. Or I had a story of my own to tell, and…it was different than being self-absorbed. It was more like sharing.

Besides, most of my stories made him laugh at jokes I didn’t see and Shane’s laugh is kind of awesome no matter what.

Shane went and got us some of the casserole after we’d been there awhile, and I was shocked at how long we’d just…sat there. Without doing anything. And when he came back with the food, it went cold, because apparently we weren’t done just sitting there. Talking.

He touched me every so often. Nothing really big, and never close to enough to start something, but he’d pause every so often or interrupt me in the middle of talking just to kiss me quick, and it kind of filled me with a hot air that made breathing feel weird. It was all weird. I don’t think I’d ever been so relaxed and fucking wired at the same time.

I _liked_ him. I was kind of sick with it. I lay there, listening to him talk, and it seemed stupid that I actually wanted to hear about lame ass nothing memories he had, just…just because. And I kept doing things…stupid things, and I told him embarrassing stories that I’d sworn I’d never willingly bring up just because I’d get a smile and a kiss for it every goddamn time.

I wasn’t even all that bothered when his younger sisters started barging in the room every other minute to yell ‘boo’ or ‘scared ya, right?’ or other things that probably would have annoyed me any other day. I was just in a ridiculously good mood that I could _not_ shake and all we really fucking did was talk.

I decided it was time to go when Shane’s dad got home and started popping his head in the room just as frequently as Carly and Mykel to ask Shane random questions that definitely could have waited, like whether or not he was going to mow the lawn the next day or if he’d run to the store for milk or whatever.

I wondered after he came in to ask Shane if there were ice chips in the freezer—which he definitely could have found out for himself, or asked someone else—if he might have me figured out. Shane had already said they might have.

But, I decided I didn’t care. He knew about Shane and he was obviously cool with it. And I was _over_ being afraid of the people that weren’t ever going to have a problem with me. It was fucking exhausting…and just really not worth it.

Shane offered to walk me out, which kind of definitely made me a chick, but I accepted anyway. I wasn’t really done being around him yet. It seemed like every time I was with him, things got better and I wasn’t ready to let go of the way I was feeling right then. I felt _close_. I wanted to be closer, and I just…really didn’t want to go home.

I pressed Shane up against his bedroom door before he could walk me out of it to kiss him again and he laughed against my lips, but he also pulled me in tighter so I figured he was alright with it.

It didn’t last long. Not with Mykel on the other side of the door banging but it was nice. And when we got downstairs and into the foyer at the front door, Shane kissed me again. It wasn’t much. It was soft, and he barely lingered with his family in the next room close enough that I could hear every word they said.

But I didn’t pull away…Shane did. He pressed a hand against my chest and it took me a minute to realize he was doing it to keep me from leaning back in. Took me a minute longer to realize I was actually trying.

Jesus, I lost every bit of my mind around him sometimes.

“You’ve gotta go,” he said before I could suggest that we go back upstairs. And yeah, I was totally going to. Shane had given me my first ever hand job, which, by the way, is the absolute furthest I’ve ever gotten with anyone except…well, me. And he could really be touching me again. Please.

“You could come with me,” I offered instead of saying any of that, because…well, come _on_. There’s only so much fucking progress _I_ can handle.

Shane’s eyes widened at the invite, though, like I was suggesting he come home with me to make out on the dinner table with my family instead of just…eating at it like I meant.

“What?” I asked, and Shane stared for a second longer before he shook whatever his issue was off, and grinned.

“Nothing,” he said. “And…I’ll pass. I’ll call you though, yeah?”

He kissed me once more, so quick I didn’t have time to react before he pulled away and actually shoved me out the fucking door, grinning smugly the whole time.

It’s kind of a miracle I didn’t get lost on the way home.

I was late for my mom’s dinner with the Keats’, because…well, I totally forgot about it, and it would have been worth the lecture I knew I was going to get later if being late meant that I wouldn’t have to be at the table as long. Except, they waited for me.

The food was good. Mom had baked chicken, and she’d even made the mashed potatoes from _real_ potatoes, instead of the box, but I couldn’t really enjoy my food. Mrs. Keats wasn’t happy with just talking to my mom and ignoring me. She kept asking questions, like why she never saw me at church, and my mom would glare at me when I answered with, ‘uhm, because I don’t go.’ My dad, at least, looked as miserable as I felt, but it didn’t really help. Much.

And then there was Colin. I think he’d tell people we were friends if anyone ever asked him, and…I think I would have too. He was Ryan’s friend, and yeah, he annoys me, but we hung out. I talked to him at school, and he was always coming up to me to tell me about who was dating who, or who beat the shit out of that one freshman or whatever the fuck. I didn’t really care, and the guy was a fucking ass sometimes, but I guessed he was a friend. His jokes made me uncomfortable as hell, but he meant well. It’s not like he _knew_ I might take offense to being told how you could apparently fit four fags on a stool.

So, yeah, he was an ass, and I felt like I hated him most of the time, but at dinner that night? I felt bad for him.

It was like the guy seriously couldn’t make a fucking move without his mom telling him he wasn’t doing something right. ‘Sit up straight’, ‘Stop scraping, Colin’, ‘Wipe your mouth, Colin’. Or, if my dad was bragging about something I did, the way he does when there are other fathers around, she’d cut in with how Colin’s on the baseball team, but he could really practice more, and how she thinks that if he’s not going to give it his all, he should just quit and focus on more important things.

“It’s supposed to be _fun_ ,Mom,” Colin muttered when she said that. “Jesus, let it go.”

And for that, she told him off for taking the Lord’s name in vain.

Hell, even _I_ felt suffocated by all the attention. And I hated her for making me feel bad for Colin.

I even got involved in the conversation a few times, just to try and get the attention off of him. Because, _shit_ , that woman was harsh.

My parents could be embarrassing. My dad was lame on his best days, and my mom drove me crazy all the fucking time, but I was grateful for them. My parents were always talking about me appreciating what I had and right then, I really did. At least my mom wasn’t a bitch like Colin’s…or sick like Shane’s. And I couldn’t imagine my dad ever being anything like Ryan’s. He’d even tried to talk to Ryan’s dad a couple times right after Ry’s mom died. It never really did any good, and Ry’s dad stopped talking to mine before long, but still…

Maybe my parents weren’t perfect or whatever, but I was lucky. Way lucky.

After dinner, I turned down dessert, but I went over to kiss my mom on the cheek, right in front of everyone, just for being…her. She looked shocked. Pleased, but shocked.

“Dinner was awesome, Mom,” I told her. “Thanks.”

“You’re welcome,” she said, smiling bemused. “You sure you don’t want dessert?”

I nodded. “I’m gonna go chill in my room.” I turned around, and _hesitated_. I was sure I was going to regret it, but I sighed and did it anyway. “Colin?” I asked. “Wanna come?”

Colin looked just as surprised as my mom had when I thanked her, but he turned to shoot his mother a hopeful look.

She nodded once. “Behave, Colin.”

Colin shot out of his chair, picking up his plate and bringing it to the sink, before rushing to join me.

“Thanks,” he said, as we climbed the stairs. “My mom can be…”

A bitch, I almost said. I bit my tongue, though. Mostly because I knew that as much as my mom got on my nerves and I thought she was fucking insane, I’d start a fight with anyone who tried to agree with me.

“Yeah,” I said instead. “That was…intense.”

He grinned. “Whatever. So, what are we doing?”

“Huh?” I asked.

“You know…you’re the host, dude,” he said, punching me a little too hard to be playful. “Entertain me.”

I felt sorry for him, but not that fucking sorry. I figured I did my part getting him away from his mom.

“Entertain yourself,” I said, pushing the door to my room open... “I’m going to watch a movie and pass out until Ryan gets here.”

“Ryan’s coming?” he asked, interested. “He said he had plans tonight. I asked him to come with me to…this thing.” He waved his hand around wildly.

“Yeah,” I nodded. “He does have plans. We’re going to the mall to grab some ice cream with Lindsey and Chloe.”

“Word?” Colin said, making himself comfortable on my bed. I _knew_ I was going to regret asking him up. “He didn’t tell me.”

He sounded annoyed, and I felt awkward the way that I did when I forgot to invite him to my birthday party when I turned fourteen.

“Uhm,” I said, shuffling through my movies for something to watch. “It’s so Chloe can meet Lindsey.” I shrugged awkwardly.

“Oh, right,” Colin said, nodding like I’d actually explained why he wasn’t invited. “So, it’s a double date?”

“Huh?” I frowned. “No. Chloe and I _aren’t_ …”

Colin snorted. “Right. Not yet.”

I opened my mouth to tell him just how far _off_ he was but my phone rang. I pulled it out of my pocket and I had to turn away from Colin so he wouldn’t see the ridiculous grin I couldn’t hold back at seeing Shane’s name on the display screen.

“Hello?” I said, once I’d slid my phone open.

“Hey,” Shane said, and I really love the way he sounds over the phone. I like the way he sounds period, but his voice gets more raspy…lower on the phone, and…I don’t know. I liked having his voice right there in my ear.

I was so glad that thought was never going to see the light of day. I’d never live it down.

I cleared my throat. “What’s up?”

“Nothing,” Shane said. “I know you’re supposed to be doing that thing with Ryan and Chloe but my parents are gone and I was bored. I wanted to say hi.”

My cheeks hurt from all the fucking grinning I was doing.

“Oh,” I said, laughing softly, walking further away from Colin as I did. “Well…hi.”

“Hi back,” Shane said, and I could hear him smirking. “How was your dinner thing?”

“Lame,” I replied, shrugging like he could see me. “We’re still technically having it. Or, our parents are. Colin and I escaped before dessert, though.”

Shane was silent for a second, but I didn’t have a chance to ask what was wrong before he said, “Colin’s there? Still?”

I nodded, and then remembered he wasn’t actually there with me. “Yeah,” I said. “You know him, right?”

“Yeah,” Shane said, and he laughed, a little forced. “His mom’s there, right? She’s…”

“Yeah,” I said, and turned back to Colin, feeling a little bad about talking about him while he was right there.

“He’s right here,” I said, suddenly. “Did you want to say hi?”

“Actually I gotta go,” Shane said, quickly. “I’m supposed to be watching Carly and Mykel. Scottie’s with a friend so…” he sighed, lowering his voice. “Just wanted to say hi. Later Jake.”

I bit my lip and inhaled, the air feeling too warm in my chest. “Yeah,” I replied. “Later, Shane.”

I waited until he hung up before sliding my phone shut.

“Shane?” Colin said, eyebrows lifting. “Shane Tickersine?”

I did _not_ grin just hearing his name. At all.

“Yeah,” I replied. “You guys are friends, right?”

“No,” Colin snapped, looking offended. “Did he say that?”

“Uhm,” I said, thinking back to the one time I’d heard Shane talk about him, and… “No,” I went on. “He said he went to church with you.”

Colin snorted. “Right,” he said. “So… _you’re_ friends with him?”

I nodded, biting the inside of my cheek to keep from grinning.

“Seriously?” Colin said, raising an eyebrow, and it occurred to me that _I_ was apparently the only one that didn’t know Shane was gay when I met him.

I nodded slowly. “Yeah.”

“You know he’s a fag, right?” Colin said, smirking. God, he was such an ass. I was done feeling sorry for him.

I didn’t even flinch, because shit like that? It wasn’t really all that uncommon for Colin. He said it all the time about anyone and everyone.

“Yeah,” I said, and I could have patted myself on the back right in front of him for how calm I was. Seriously. “I know he’s gay. So what?”

Yeah. That was me. Totally cool. It’s funny but it was way easier to challenge Colin than it was with Ryan. To glare at him and dare him to fucking say something about it. I definitely wasn’t about to jump out and let him in on my secret, but I was just…over all of the bullshit. I wasn’t about to pretend I hated Shane. Especially not for that.

Especially not for Colin.

“ _So_ ,” Colin pressed, staring at me, eyes slightly narrowed. “You better watch your back.”

“Why?” I snorted, putting on a smirk. “You plan on getting behind me?”

Yeah, a joke like that would _never_ have come out of my mouth if I were talking to Ryan back before he knew.

“No,” Colin snapped. “But Shane might. Seriously, dude, watch your back. He could, you know, try something.”

This was part of why I’d never liked Colin. His jokes pretty much made my life a living hell before and I’d always hated having to listen to Ryan laugh at them. And I think he scared me. Like, I’d always been afraid he’d know. He used look at me just a second too long and I felt like he could just _tell_.

But really? The guy was a fucking idiot.

“Yeah, if that were true, I’m pretty sure you’d have tried something with Ryan and half the rest of the people you hang out with by now, and Ry would have told me. Your logic is flawed, dude.”

The joke rolled off my tongue with an ease that I definitely wouldn’t have been capable of if Colin had come at me with the bullshit just a few weeks earlier. It was just…easy to blow it off and act like it was a joke. I had always been so fucking paranoid-- _horrified_ that I’d say or do something that might be taken _that_ way—but with Colin? He was going to call me a queer anyway, no matter how I acted.

Besides, I’d figured out that pretty much the only reason Ryan had found out about me was because I couldn’t calm down and laugh it off. So that’s what I did with Colin. I laughed it off. It was easier now that _I_ didn’t really think there was a problem with it. I still didn’t want anyone else to know, but I didn’t feel guilty, like I was doing something wrong every time someone said the word gay.

Before, every time anyone around me ever came close to the topic, I froze up. And I’d always thought it was because I was afraid of what _they_ would think if they knew. Or…what my dad would say. But I think most of my anxiety was because _I_ was the one that had a problem with it. Like, when I was a kid and I stole a couple dollars out of my dad’s wallet for the first and last time, I flinched every time my dad even opened his mouth because I _knew_ I’d done something wrong. I think that’s how I was with the gay thing. It didn’t really matter what my dad thought because _I_ thought…or _knew_ it was wrong.

But I didn’t think it was wrong anymore. I didn’t really know what changed. Maybe it was the way that Ryan and Chloe were okay with it, or maybe it was the way it felt being with Shane…but I didn’t think so. I was pretty sure it was just that…I didn’t feel wrong. Things had felt wrong before, when I was dead set on changing it. I’d wanted so badly to be normal, and I ended up acting like a fucking freak. I felt better when I stopped fighting it. And I really just… couldn’t see what was so wrong with it anymore.

I couldn’t even remember why I ever did. I mean, my dad disagreed with it, and maybe almost everyone else around me did too. It just ‘wasn’t normal’. Whatever. You shouldn’t have to force normal and I’d quit trying to.

And it was better. I could _relax_ and I was pretty sure that’s why it was so easy to just roll my eyes at Colin’s bullshit.

“Excuse me?” Colin said, interrupting my thoughts.

“Huh?” I asked. I’d lost track of what the last thing I said was.

“What the fuck was that supposed to mean?” he asked, all humor gone from his voice. He pressed a hand to the center of my chest and pushed. Hard.

My eyes widened and I took a step back, rolling with the shove he delivered right to the middle of my chest. He wasn’t really all that intimidating, I just…hadn’t thought he’d take it so personally. I’d meant it as a joke. Or whatever.

“Jesus, Colin,” I said, raising an eyebrow. “What the hell?”

“What the fuck did he say?” Colin went on, his tone dripping anger.

“What did _who_ say?” I shot back, knocking his arms away from me when he tried to shove me again.

“You know who,” he snapped, shortly. His face scrunched up before he added, “Shane.”

I was so lost, I didn’t know which way was up. And I opened my mouth to tell him that, running back through our conversation trying to figure out where the track split with the two of us going off in opposite directions and even when I remembered what we were talking about, I still had no idea why he was so pissed or what any of it had to do with Shane...

And then…

Oh.

“It’s you,” I said, taking another step away from him. “You’re the school’s pitcher.”

It was Colin’s turn to be confused now. “So what? What’s baseball got to do with anything?”

Jesus, I’d completely forgotten about that. Or… I hadn’t forgotten that I currently went to school with a complete asshole and I tried watching Shane to see if he…I don’t know, looked at someone for too long or whatever. He never did, though, and I forgot all about my plan to look it up in the yearbook.

Shit. Colin. It was him. It was taking me a long ass time to get past the shock.

“You and Shane—you’re a fucking asshole,” I said, shaking my head.

“What?” Colin asked, but he wasn’t snapping anymore. He sounded halfway between confused and… anxious.

“You’re a liar,” I said, shaking my head, almost laughing. “And a coward. And an _asshole_.” And maybe the coward thing was a little hypocritical, but…seriously.

“I didn’t _lie_ ,” Colin said, backing away from me now. “He did. Whatever he said…”

“Bullshit,” I cut him off. “Bullshit.”

“What’s bull—Colin?”

Ryan. Typical. I was pretty sure I’d never been in a fight without him there, and considering that it looked like that was where I was headed, it figured he’d be there.

“What’s up, dude?” Ryan said stepping further into my room, shutting the door behind him before reaching out to shove Colin, the way that friends do, but Colin was too busy glaring at me to notice.

I didn’t say anything either. I didn’t know _what_ to say. I felt like I should be pissed on Shane’s behalf or just because the guy was generally _not_ a good person…obviously. But I couldn’t really work up any anger towards Colin.

It was surprising because I _hated_ Colin on the best of days, and you’d think finding out that he was the asshole that fucked Shane over would just give me more reason to hate him, but I…couldn’t.

Mostly, I just felt sorry for him.

Colin stood there, trembling with a kind of terrified anger that was way too familiar to be comfortable with. I remembered that. I remembered the way it felt. It hadn’t really occurred to me before that moment, standing there with Colin but, all the bullshit I’d gone through when Ryan found out—all the fighting and the stress and the fear—was worth it. I wouldn’t have said so at the time; in fact, I’m pretty sure I’d have done pretty much _anything_ to avoid the shit Ryan and I went through. But now? Looking at Colin, and remembering what it was like to be in his position, I definitely thought it was more than worth it, because things were fine for me. Better than fine, and definitely better than they were before. _I_ could finally relax.

I still had Chloe, and even Ryan. And now I had Shane.

I’d come sickeningly close to not having Shane. Not just because I was an ass pretty much nonstop, but because I could _remember_ the fear written all over Colin’s face, and I wondered with a morbid curiosity what it would have taken for me to fuck Shane over the way Colin did. I wondered if I’d have been able to.

I definitely didn’t like that train of thought.

“What’s going on?” Ryan asked after one too many seconds of silence, stepping away from Colin to stand next to me. “Did Jakey find out about your Princess Pony collection?”

Colin turned his glare on Ryan so fast, I’d have been worried about whiplash if I actually gave a shit about him. I almost wanted to laugh, because I knew it wasn’t true. It was just Ryan trying to diffuse the tension, and Colin was taking it way too seriously.

He spun back around to face me, looking somewhere between angry and flustered and said, “I do _not_ have…ponies,” like he really needed me to believe that.

I kind of wanted to tell him that it was cool. I don’t even _like_ Colin, and I seriously wanted to tell him that it was okay, and fuck anyone that didn’t think so, but the second the thought crossed my mind, I frowned, wondering when I jumped from thinking the way Colin did to actually believing that it _was_ ‘okay’.

It was just…all weird. I couldn’t tell Colin to tell anyone, considering I fought against having anyone know about me, and I still didn’t really want anyone to know. I’d be damned if I let my parents find out anytime soon. I might be fine with my big gay secret, but that didn’t mean they would be.

I wished I could tell him to, though. I wished I could tell him that some people would be okay with it. And no, not very many people knew about me, but being able to just…relax around the few that did, was way fucking better than the way things had been before, when I stumbled over damn near every last word I said, or move I made just to make sure they never knew. It was exhausting. And, yeah, I hated Colin. I might have even hated him a little more for what he did to Shane, but—I understood it.

I currently hated that I understood it. It made me kind of sick with myself that I maybe could have done what Colin did.

And the shock of going from being sick with myself for being gay, and being sick with myself for being such a coward about it? Was way too fucking much for me to think about.

“Jake,” Ryan tried again, his voice extremely loud in the otherwise silent room. He nudged me, and I broke the little staring contest I had going with Colin to glance at him.

“What’s going on?” he asked, and I could practically feel Colin tense while both of them waited for me to respond.

I turned to face Colin, staring at him for a few seconds longer. I think…there was a lot that I wanted to say to him. Maybe I didn’t owe him any favors, and maybe he didn’t deserve one anyway, but…I wanted to help. I couldn’t shake the feeling, but I couldn’t really think of _one_ thing to say to him that wouldn’t either send him running or start the fight that I was currently tensed for. And I couldn’t tell him that I was cool with it—obviously—with Ryan standing right there.

If there was something I could do, I really couldn’t see it.

So, I just sighed, shrugging. “Just…take off, Colin,” I said, suddenly tired. “We’ll catch you later.”

“Huh?” Colin asked, taken aback. The shock only lasted a second and then he shook it off and was back to glaring at me. He opened his mouth to speak, but Ryan chose that moment to clear his throat as if he wanted to remind us he was still there.

I hadn’t forgotten, but Colin apparently had. He flinched, and his jaw visibly clenched.

He narrowed his eyes at me. “I swear, if you…”

He let the sentence hang, but I understood the threat anyway.

And I still couldn’t be mad at him for it.

“I won’t,” I assured him, and I wasn’t surprised when Colin’s look turned skeptical. “I’m serious,” I added, trying my best to look…genuine or whatever. “It’s _cool_.”

It really wasn’t, and I felt a little bad, and more than a little guilty. Like maybe I should tell people the truth. For Shane. It wasn’t fair that he had to walk around while people thought things like… _that_ about him, while Colin got to laugh and keep his dirty little secret.

But I couldn’t really see what good it would do. It’s not like I had proof, and I hated Colin, I really did, but I felt _bad_ for him. And Shane hadn’t even wanted to sell Colin out to _me_. If Shane could let it go…

“It’s dropped,” I said out loud, nodding decisively. “I’m dropping it, dude, but seriously…cut the shit. It’s kind of easy to see through.”

Yeah, maybe that wasn’t true. I hadn’t seen through it, not for the longest time, but whatever. Maybe it was a little selfish of me, because if Colin was anything at all like me—and it kind of seemed like he was, in a way—I _knew_ my saying that would probably keep him awake that night worrying. About whether I was the only one that saw it, or if everyone could.

He’d get over it, though. I felt sorry for him, sure, but he kind of deserved it. If it stopped him being such an _ass_ …I couldn’t really see the downside.

“Just take off,” I pressed when Colin just stood there, still staring at me. “We’ll see you at school tomorrow.”

Colin took a breath, glancing between Ry and me, uncertainly, but I couldn’t really do much to reassure him there. I was going to tell Ryan. Mostly because I kind of thought this might be why he hated Shane. I remembered him warning me not to go near him, and swearing it wasn’t _just_ because Shane was gay…and saying that I wouldn’t understand. And I remembered when he found out about me; how he’d been reluctant to believe I was gay before I met Shane. I remembered how he still warned me off, and wouldn’t tell me why.

I was definitely telling him.

I waited, and Colin eventually gave up, walking out of my room, slapping Ry’s arm on the way out. Ry nodded, and muttered ‘later’ although he was looking at me, but he had the good sense to wait until we Colin’s footsteps on the stairs before he asked.

And he didn’t actually ask.

“So, it wasn’t true,” he said, nodding. Not really asking. He shrugged after a second. “I figured. I just…wasn’t sure.”

I cocked my head to the side. “I could have told you it wasn’t true. If you’d asked. You should have said something.”

Ryan shrugged. “I figured you knew. Everyone knew, and when I found out you didn’t …”

He trailed off, and I raised an eyebrow.

“What?”

“I punched him for you,” he said, sighing. “That was kind of why. I thought…well, it doesn’t matter. I was going to wail on his ass, but there was a kid. A little girl. So, I didn’t.”

I nodded. “I’m glad you didn’t.”

Ryan cocked his head to the side, studying me. “And after I hit him, you said you were already gay _before_ him so, maybe he’s not some kind of…predator or whatever, but…he’s still kind of a douche. He gave me a black eye.”

“You hit him first,” I pointed out, letting out a laugh. “You busted his lip.” I was a little shocked at the way Ryan said ‘gay’. Like, I always expected him to spit it out like a dirty word, but he didn’t. And maybe I wasn’t the only one that was kind of okay with it.

“So?” Ryan said, waving me off, like I was getting away from the point.

“So, it was your fault.”

Ryan rolled his eyes. “Whatever. I should probably thank him. That black eye got Lindsey to talk to me.” He paused, losing the grin and turning a serious look on me. “Would you have believed me, if I told you about it…you know, about him and what he did to Colin? I mean, what Colin said he did.”

I rolled my eyes. “You’re my best friend,” I said simply. I probably wouldn’t have just…believed him, but I wouldn’t have called him a liar. I’d have called Colin a liar.

Ry cocked his eyebrow and snorted the way he did when he thought I was being a girl. “And you’re mine, Jakey.” He did this thing where he sort of rolled his eyes and batted his eyelashes at the same time. “I know! Let’s go to Boston and get married. We can get a little house with a fence and make cookies and you can decorate. I’ll…fix things. I’m way more butch than you.”

I shook my head. “I really just don’t like you,” I said, flatly.

Ryan grinned, which sort of killed the fake gasp he let out, and his pout was the most ridiculous thing I’d ever seen in my life. “You won’t leave me. We have the kids to think about, you know.”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine,” I said, laughing. “What with their not existing and all.”

Ry grinned shrugging before his eyes widened. “Speaking of which…or…not really, but whatever.” He grabbed my jacket and handed it to me. “We’re late picking up my date.”

“Shit,” I said, looking around for where I’d kicked off my shoes. I’d completely forgotten about ice cream with Lindsey.

“Don’t worry,” Ryan said, cocking an eyebrow at my outburst. “Boston will still be there tomorrow.”

I threw my shoe at him, grinning. “Jackass. I just forgot.”

The joking…it would have made sense for me to be uncomfortable. It had before. Even though I knew Ryan was just being _Ryan_. My best friend who considered it sacred duty to give me hell for every last thing I might be slightly uneasy about… but, I wasn’t uncomfortable.

Every time Ryan did something that made me feel like we couldn’t possibly get any closer to the way we were before…he’d do something to prove me wrong and now…things weren’t going back to the way they were before, and I was glad. They were better. Now, when Ryan joked, I didn’t have to be worried that he might have figured it out. He _had_ and it was okay. And I didn’t feel like he was trying to point out something I was trying not to think about, because I wasn’t still trying to do that. I could finally be completely relaxed around him. Before Ryan found out, I didn’t think there was any possible way I could be more relaxed with Ry, but it was always just _there_ hanging over my head.

It wasn’t anymore. He knew and he wasn’t disappearing.

Ry caught my shoe and threw it back at me, and then pulled his cell phone out of his pocket and tossed that to me too.

I raised an eyebrow when I caught it asking him the obvious question.

He rolled his eyes. “Call and invite him,” he said. “You know you want to.”

Uhm, actually I wasn’t sure that I did. Ryan and Chloe knew about Shane and me, but Lindsey didn’t and…

“You think really loud,” Ryan mused. “Just dial the number.” He paused, before nodding and adding. “Pansy.”

“You don’t even know what that word means,” I muttered staring down at the phone. I sighed. “Ry… I thought you hated him.”

“I do,” Ryan nodded. “But so what, right? How many of my girls have you actually liked?” It really shouldn’t have been a big deal that Ryan was comparing Shane to one of his girls like it was the same thing. It should have been kind of insulting. It just wasn’t.

“Call him,” Ry repeated, looking a little disgusted with what a big deal I was making.

And what the hell. Why not? I felt good, and I was really starting to lose sight of how having Shane around could be a bad thing. It’s not like he was going to try anything or whatever.

“Jesus, dude,” Ryan said, snatching his phone back. “What’s his number? I just fucking told you we were late.”

“I’ll do it,” I told Ryan, and I didn’t even really snap at him for the attitude. Mostly because he was right.

He gave me his phone back, and I paused once more before dialing. “Hey, Ry?”

“ _What?_ Tick fucking tock, dude.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just…thanks. For…you know…” I moved my hand around, and even I wasn’t sure what I was trying to say.

Ryan sighed, and it was freakishly close to the fond thing that mothers sometimes do.

“Yeah,” he said, shrugging. He cleared his throat and turned away from me. “You know. You too. For today.” He cleared his throat again. “Whatever. We should watch sports or something. I need to get my man on.”

“You have a date.” I rolled my eyes.

“That works too.”


	17. Chapter 17

Shane didn’t come out with us for ice cream. After I found out about Colin, I thought he might have been lying when he said he couldn’t come over because he had to baby sit his sisters just so he could avoid Colin, but he was telling the truth. It kind of sucked because I really wanted to talk to him. About Colin, and why he hadn’t fucking told me. And maybe…I don’t know, I just wanted to talk to him, period.

Ry was there though, and Chloe. She was being…clingy, but it was cool. It wasn’t as if I had to worry about her crushing on me. I was almost positive she was still hung up on Ryan and she just…never would. I kind of liked having her close. It’d been a really long day, with everything that had happened with Ry’s dad and just being at the cemetery in general. Not to mention the almost fight at Shane’s or the dinner from hell and Colin’s little surprise afterward. I didn’t really feel like entertaining Lindsey after all of that, and it was nice being able to just lean on Chloe, and relax.

“You’re touching me,” I pointed out, because, yeah it was nice but I was _not_ about to admit it. “I think you should stop.”

“Shut up and deal with it,” Chloe muttered, hooking her arm through mine and leaning her head on my shoulder. And I let out a grunt, but I didn’t argue. I didn’t really want to and I figured I wouldn’t lose any of my man points if I didn’t tell her more than once.

Both of us were riding in the backseat to make room for Lindsey up front. I decided Ryan was right, and I _didn’t_ like any of his girlfriends, mostly because of this whole backseat thing. It made me nauseous.

“Y’all are cute,” Lindsey said, turning around to face us. “Ryan never said you two were dating?”

Lindsey was a giggler. And she giggled while she said that.

“They’re not,” Ryan said, looking at us through the rearview mirror, frowning slightly. “What’s up with you guys?”

Chloe didn’t answer, and I didn’t really have a response seeing as how Chloe was the one…cuddling, not me, so I just shrugged and made one up.

“Body heat, Ry,” I said. “It’s kind of cold.”

Chloe snorted, and shook her head. I was pretty sure she was rolling her eyes too, but I couldn’t see her face with her head lying on my shoulder.

Ry kept frowning, and muttered something like, “It’s fucking seventy degrees outside,” but he turned on the heat anyway. Which, actually kind of sucked and I wished I hadn’t said anything because I was already a little too warm. If it got too much hotter in the car, I’d _need_ Chloe to move away, but she didn’t seem too bothered by the heat. She just sighed, and shook her head again.

“So,” Lindsey said when the car fell silent. She’d been doing that since we picked her up—talking whenever conversation tapered off. It meant the car was never completely quiet. So…maybe I didn’t have to hate her _completely_ for banishing me to the backseat.

“So what?” Ry replied, but Lindsey shook her head, and turned in her seat to face Chlo and me.

“I wasn’t talking to you,” she said, and smiled at me.

A noncommittal “Hmm?” was all I had for her. I was _really_ not in the social mood.

“You’re the best friend,” she said like she was telling me something I didn’t know. “Got any embarrassing stories?”

I’m sure if it was any other day, I’d have laughed at that. Ryan’s girls were always asking, but I’d learned my lesson after Ryan’s third breakup. Girls are vindictive things and they always have no problems using the stories after they’ve been dumped. I usually thought it was funny when they asked for the stories, though. It was like they were doing homework. Getting the dirt just in case, or whatever. Like, they’d heard about Ryan and they wanted to be prepared to give as good as they got.

It wasn’t funny right then, though. I’d been in a good mood before we picked her up. I wasn’t necessarily in a bad mood now that she was with us, but the day I’d had was definitely catching up to me. I kind of just wanted to find a soft place and pass the fuck out, and if I couldn’t do that…I just didn’t want to be around new people. Chlo and Ry were familiar and I didn’t have to be clever or even all that cool around them, because they’d seen me at my worst. With Lindsey, I felt like I either had to entertain her…or, I don’t know, intimidate her, and I was too exhausted to do either. I just wanted to sit in the backseat with Chloe and…chill.

Lindsey wasn’t having it, though.

“Was he a bed wetter? A thumb sucker? Does he listen to emo music to nurture his secret pain? Any embarrassing stories where he loses his pants? Start with the last one, if you’ve got it. I have a _very_ vivid imagination.”

And wow, _that’s_ what they mean when they say it’s the nice, quiet ones you’ve got to look out for. Lindsey was supposed to be a bookworm. A geek. She wasn’t supposed to be the kind of girl to ask me to tell her stories wherein my best friend gets naked.

Not that I had any of those. I mean…aside from the one where Shane took Ry’s pants.

“Nope,” I told Lindsey, with a shrug. “No pantsing stories and he doesn’t have any secret pain. Or, any secrets at all. Or whatever.”

“Shut up,” Ry said, with a mock growl. “I’m a man of mystery. I totally brood all the time. I have tons of secret pain.”

Lindsey laughed. And guess what? Lindsey laughs like a fucking dolphin. Some girls have that thing where they snort, in a kind of endearing, cute way, but Lindsey goes all Flipper.

It’s totally not endearing. It’s all inhuman, high-pitched clicks and squeaks and it went on forever.

I’m ashamed of the way it calmed me, and I laughed along with her. Or, you know, _at_ her. Whatever. Details.

“How long have you guys been friends?” she asked when she sobered.

I shrugged. “Forever,” I said, because, I didn’t actually know how many years and months or whatever. I’d have to count, and I didn’t really see the point. ‘Forever’ pretty much summed it up. Ryan had been my friend since I knew what ‘friends’ were.

“That’s so cool,” Lindsey replied. “My family moves a lot. Besides my parents and brothers, I haven’t known _anyone_ for longer than a year. It must be nice.”

“I guess,” I replied, shrugging again, but my short answers were doing nothing to put Lindsey off.

“What about Chloe?” Lindsey asked before looking down a little, to meet Chlo’s eyes. “How long have you known these two?”

“Forever,” Chloe repeated my answer. “Since they were young enough to bathe together.”

Lindsey giggled. I elbowed Chloe.

“She’s lying,” I said, and looked up at Lindsey. “Ry and I never bathed together when we were kids.”

“But you do now?” Lindsey shot back, with a grin. “I changed my mind. I want _that_ story.

She was quick. And I was pretty sure I’d like her if she ever caught me at a time where I wouldn’t much rather give her some of my mother’s sleeping pills to knock her out so she’d stop trying to talk to me.

“Chlorine,” I said simply, glancing at Ryan to make sure he was okay with the topic. I couldn’t really tell. He’d laughed at Lindsey’s comment but mostly he was just watching the road.

“O _kay_ ,” Lindsey said slowly and she’d lost her grin. “Am I supposed to know what that means? Is it a codeword?”

She was starting to look a little put out, and I kind of felt bad. Most of the other girls Ry brought around kind of ignored Chlo and me unless they were glaring at us, and Lindsey was actually making an effort.

I did my best to smile at her. “The Chlorine in the school pool is kind of harsh,” I explained. “We all shower afterward most of the time.”

“Oh that’s right!” Lindsey said, a little too excited, but I was pretty sure it was just because I was finally talking. “I forgot he was on the swim team. You are too?”

I nodded, but I was saved having to continue talking to her, when I felt the car stop and looked up to find that we were at the mall, parked near the entrance at the food court.

“We’re here,” Ry announced unnecessarily, considering we could all see that. He turned to look pointedly at me. “So, stop flirting with my girl.”

I rolled my eyes, and Lindsey giggled, slapping his arm playfully. “Hush,” she said and she fucking winked at me as she unbuckled her seatbelt. I knew she was probably doing it to be cute or sweet or whatever, but still… I was glad when Chloe got out of the car and immediately made her way around the car to link her arm through mine again. Lindsey was giving me this look like she was seconds from latching onto me herself for more questions.

Ry shot me a glare, and I rolled my eyes again. Because seriously? I wasn’t flirting with his girl. I never did, and I knew he was kidding anyway. I grinned and waited for him to laugh.

He didn’t.

“Let’s do this thing,” he said, throwing an arm over Lindsey shoulders and pulling her in.

Lindsey smiled and put her arm around his waist, tucking her head in toward his chest for a minute, before looking back up as the two of them turned to start walking toward the mall entrance.

Chloe tensed, and when I moved to follow Ryan and Lindsey, she held me back.

“What’s with you?” I asked frowning as I looked down at her.

She shrugged. “Nothing,” she said, lowering her voice. “I just…” she bit her lip, brushing her bangs out of her eyes and off to the side where they were longest.

“You just what?” I pressed, pulling her to walk, and she came this time, but she wasn’t making an effort to catch up to Ryan and Lindsey.

“I just thought she’d be different,” Chloe said with a sigh. “She’s pretty, right?”

I didn’t respond at first. Chloe wasn’t usually bothered by stuff like this. It’d always confused me, because I knew how she felt about Ry. I hadn’t been talking to her as much lately as I usually did, but I knew that hadn’t changed. It was just weird that she picked Lindsey to get all awkward around.

So, I shrugged and nudged her lightly with my shoulder. Not enough to push her away, I kind of just wanted her to stop slouching all depressed-like.

“They’re all pretty,” I said.

“Yeah,” Chloe agreed. “But she’s also cool. And smart. And _blonde_.”

I snorted. “So?”

“So, I’m already seeing three kids with college funds and a fucking dog named Cookie,” she said bitterly, and I stopped to look at her.

“Are you okay?” I asked hesitantly, because the rules with Chloe were different from the rules with Ry and it was okay to ask that question. I think I was even supposed to. “Do you want to go home?”

Chloe shook her head. “I’m fine,” she said and took a breath. “I just wasn’t expecting her. I mean, I know Ry and me won’t ever…you know. This just sucks.”

I nodded, but I wasn’t sure I really understood. I thought about Shane…and some other guy…well that sucked, but I was actually _with_ Shane. And then I thought about how I would have felt if Shane had decided to, I don’t know, find someone else back before I got my shit together.

“Oh,” I said out loud. It was mostly an accident, but I really didn’t like that last thought. I glanced down at Chloe and shot her a sympathetic grin. Chloe didn’t grin back.

“I hate her,” I informed her. “Lindsey, I mean.”

Chloe laughed. “Liar.”

“I do,” I insisted. “She won’t stop talking to me. And she put me in the backseat. And she’s not _that_ hot.”

Chloe rolled her eyes, but she pulled herself tighter against my arm in a weird sort of non-hug. “Thanks, Jacob. You’re kind of awesome.” She pulled my arm as she picked up her pace. “Come on,” she said nodding toward the entrance where Ry and Lindsey were waiting for us—Lindsey smiling, Ry looking annoyed.

“Ice cream’s waiting,” Ry said, impatiently as we approached. “What the fuck is up with you guys?”

“Jake has secret pain too,” Chloe said with a grin, and I snorted, but I didn’t say anything. She sounded better, at least, and it wasn’t like I could say what we were really talking about.

“Yeah, I bet,” Ryan said as we walked inside. I frowned at him, but before I had a chance to reply, Chloe ripped away from my side.

Or rather, she was ripped away. By Lindsey.

“What are you doing?” Chloe asked alarmed as she pulled away, but Lindsey had a good grip.

“Ladies room,” Lindsey replied, smiling brightly. “Come with?”

“What for?” Chloe asked, and even _I_ knew girls usually went together. Chloe had been hanging out with just Ry and me for way too long.

“No reason,” Lindsey replied with a grin and a wink…at me.

Chloe gave me a little helpless look as Lindsey dragged her off. I shrugged with one shoulder tilting my head a little like ‘what do you want me to do’.

Chloe glared and shook her head and I was pretty sure that meant something along the lines of ‘I take it back, you’re not awesome, you’re useless’ but I really couldn’t think of anything to do, especially not with Ryan grabbing my arm and pulling me off to the ice cream place.

The mall was crowded with people. It always was, even during the week. It was the only mall in town, and we passed a lot of people we knew. They waved from their tables in the middle of the food court, or called out to us from the long lines of fast food restaurants but Ry ignored every last one of them.

“What was that about?” he asked, frowning.

“I don’t know,” I replied, pulling my arm out of his hand. “She just keeps winking. I don’t think it means anything though, bro. She’s a girl.”

“I meant Chloe,” he said without pause. “Is she okay? What’s going on? Is it her mom?”

I raised an eyebrow. “No,” I said. “She wouldn’t be here if it was.”

Ryan nodded, and fell into a thoughtful silence as we walked, but we weren’t even halfway there when he turned back to look at me.

“How do _you_ know something about Chlo that I don’t. I’m the one that’s been around the most lately. You’ve been off with the douche bag. Because you’re gay…right?”

I laughed. It was getting easier and easier to hear that word, but it still kind of gave me pause, especially in public. But…I couldn’t really get that upset about it when it actually sounded like Ry wasn’t sure. Like he was seriously asking me.

“Yeah,” I responded, chuckling. “Where the hell have you been these past few weeks? We had that fight? You lost a match? Ringing any bells? Horns?”

“Fuck off,” Ry muttered, looking a little ashamed. “You could just tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing,” I said, and I must have a million fucking tells because Ryan glared at me.

“You could have _tried_ to make that convincing,” he said. “Asshole.”

I sighed. “My nuts are on the line, dude. I swore.”

“I’m your friend too.”

“I know,” I replied and then shrugged. “She’ll probably tell you eventually.”

“Or you could tell me now,” he returned, but I was saved having to reply to that when the cashier asked what we wanted. “Is it Lindsey? Chloe doesn’t like her?”

I ordered a float. Ryan ordered two sundaes and a twist cone, muttering the whole time about how people that kept secrets didn’t deserve fudge, but I was trying to ignore him.

Chloe and Lindsey had already finished with the restroom and were making their way toward us when Ryan and I finally found a table that wasn’t cluttered with trash or near a screaming two year old.

“Here,” Ry said sliding Chloe’s sundae across the table. It almost fell off.

“Jesus, Ry,” Chloe said as she shook whipped cream off her hand before wiping it with a napkin. “What’s your issue?”

“Nothing,” Ry said, stealing my answer and shooting me a glare while he did it. He handed Lindsey her cone. “Chocolate and vanilla, right?”

“Yeah,” she said, smiling at him. “Thank you.”

“Yeah,” Chloe said, pulling out a wad of cash. She refused to carry a wallet, or anything even remotely resembling a purse. She handed Ry a five.

Ry tossed it back at her. He was pissed, but apparently not pissed enough to take her cash.

“Keep it,” he said. “It’s just ice cream.”

“Aw, that’s sweet of you,” Lindsey said, smiling at Ry before raising an eyebrow at me. And really? Wasn’t she supposed to be trying to win me over or something? Whatever.

“I’m never sweet,” Ryan replied. “That’s the ice cream.”

Lindsey laughed. I cringed. Flipper. She was totally Flipper the fucking dolphin.

Lindsey and Ry talked while they ate, about school, and music and whatever else they thought of, laughing the whole time but Chloe and I just…ate. I still didn’t feel like talking and Chloe was back to leaning on me, but Ryan didn’t say anything about it this time. He just kept glaring at me, obviously still pissed that I knew something he didn’t.

I didn’t really blame him. Whenever one of us usually had a ‘secret’ or whatever, it was the _three of us_ keeping it from everyone else. It kind of sucked leaving Ry out, but…whatever. He’d get over it. It wasn’t worth losing my nuts over, and no, I didn’t really believe Chloe would hurt me but that’s kind of why I wasn’t saying. I didn’t really want to hurt her either.

Never. Saying. That. Out loud.

Chloe finished first…or ‘finished’ was definitely giving her too much credit. She ate the fudge and kind of pushed her ice cream around in her cup until it melted.

“I’ll be back,” she said, interrupting Lindsey in the middle of doing something slightly interesting and definitely a little weird with her tongue ring and her ice cream cone.

Chloe looked down at me expectantly, but I wasn’t sure what it was that she expected me to do. I waited for her to say something and she kind of nodded her head toward the trash, and yeah, I knew it was there, but I didn’t really get what she was trying to say.

“What’s up?” I asked and Chloe rolled her eyes, smiling a little. She didn’t get a chance to respond further, though.

“She’s trying to say she needs a chaperone,” Ry put in, glaring at both of us. “Apparently, she’s too fucking fragile to make it to the trash and back on her own. Right, Chlo?”

“Ry…” I said, because Ry, Chloe, and I were always kind of making comments like that but we were usually _joking_. Ry was being…rude.

Chloe’s face kind of fell and she stared at Ryan—without even glaring—for a few seconds before she shook her head and turned to leave.

I sighed, standing up to follow her, but I paused, turning to glance at Ryan, who was still trying to burn a fucking hole through Chloe’s back with his glare.

“You know,” I said, mostly to get his attention. “You’re an asshole. Even _you_ are going to think so if she ever tells you.”

“Is something wrong with her?” he asked, his gaze snapping to me.

I shook my head. “No.”

“Then what _the fuck_ is going on? She’s acting weird and she’s all fucking cuddled up with _you_ like you guys are…”

“She’s my friend,” I cut him off with a weary sigh, and he glared.

“You guys don’t cuddle,” he said, and I had to give him that. We didn’t. And it _was_ weird.

I shrugged. “Sometimes, she’s a girl.”

Or, you know, all the time, but I think Ry got what I was saying.

He sighed. “Yeah.”

“So, I’m gonna, you know, go get her,” I said, but Ry shook his head and stood up.

“I got it,” he said, and he took my empty cup. “Girls like apologies.”

I nodded knowledgably. “And sometimes, Chloe’s a girl.”

Ry finally grinned and rolled his eyes. “Shut up, asswipe. I’ll be back.” He turned to Lindsey and she offered him a bemused smile and a nod. She grabbed the hem of his shirt, and tugged, leaning in to kiss his cheek. It was something that Shane did with me all the time and I kind of frowned seeing her do it. It seemed out of place out in the middle of the food court where everyone could see. Shane never would have done it in public, but…

It was okay for them. I looked around and no one even fucking flinched. It shouldn’t have really bothered me, because I was pretty sure I didn’t want to do anything like that in public but…I don’t know. It just kind of sucked to know that most of the people that were smiling at Ry and Lindsey like they were just so fucking cute would definitely have had a problem with it. Whatever. I was just really tired.

Ry smiled at her and pulled away but she grabbed his arm and pulled him in for another kiss. The kind of kiss that I just wasn’t going to watch. Because…weird.

And Ry let her. Right in front of me, even though we both knew it was like, my duty to give him hell for it.

I guessed I could see Chloe’s point. Lindsey wasn’t just different from the other girls we met. Ry was different with her.

“What was that all about?” Lindsey asked me once Ryan left. She seemed genuinely curious and not at all upset that Ry was running off to make Chloe feel better, which, seemed like something a girl would do. Most girls that liked Ryan kind of hated Chloe on sight.

I shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Yes, you do,” she replied, but she smiled. “I’m smart, remember?”

I flinched a little. I expected her to know that I was lying. I just also expected her to be able to take a hint and let it go.

“Sorry,” I said trying to smile back. “It’s just…”

“I get it,” she replied. “But…is she okay? She’s not sick or anything, right? This isn’t going to turn into a deleted scene from ‘A Walk to Remember’ or anything like that right?”

“No,” I said, frowning, because I had no idea what she was talking about. But Chloe wasn’t sick. That I could answer. “She’s fine.”

She nodded, taking a bite of her cone. “That’s good,” she said, totally talking with her mouth full. I decided I’d definitely like her—odd laugh aside—any other day. I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her at least.

“So,” Lindsey went on when she swallowed. “You guys, like, take care of her?”

I snorted, because it sounded lame and Chloe would probably throw a fit if she heard it, but I nodded at the same time. Mostly because it seemed like what Lindsey was waiting to hear.

“I guess,” I said, and Lindsey smiled again, big and bright. And maybe I could see why Ryan wanted to date her before they’d ever even spoken, even if she was the type of girl that hung out in libraries.

“You’re not good with girls, are you?” she said leaning an elbow on the table, resting her chin in her hand as if settling in to talk. And I laughed, because something about that seemed funny.

“I’m just tired,” I insisted, and it was true. I wasn’t having some kind of shy boy episode. I was just…too tired to deal with her, but I was pretty sure it was only polite to leave that last part off.

“Well what are you doing tomorrow?” she asked, and I immediately hated the question. It sounded like the beginning of an invite and I definitely did _not_ have the social skills to turn her down without coming off like an ass.

“Uhm…” I responded. “Actually…”

“He’s got a hot date,” said Chloe, sliding back into her chair next to me, leaning in once more. Ry was still frowning when he sat down opposite her, but he wasn’t frowning _at_ us anymore, so I didn’t let it get to me.

I knew what it meant, though. Chloe hadn’t given herself up.

…Or whatever.

At least he wasn’t mad anymore, and Chloe’s interruption meant I didn’t have to agree to hanging out with a girlfriend that probably wouldn’t even be Ry’s girlfriend much longer. Which was good.

One day, I’m going to write poetry about Chloe Mason and the way she constantly saves my ass. Or, you know, I’ll think seriously about it. Like, maybe a Haiku.

Or, we can just forget I ever considered that and never tell anyone. Ever.

We waited for Lindsey and Ryan to finish eating, but we still didn’t leave afterward. Lindsey wanted to go browsing.

Browsing is just another word for shopping. It’s just…more aimless.

I changed my mind about not thinking Lindsey was so bad when she said that. I decided I hated my friends when they agreed too. Ryan, at least, didn’t look to happy about it, but I couldn’t tell if it was because he was still pissed that Chloe had told me something she hadn’t told him or because of the ‘browsing’ we were actually going to spend time I could be sleeping doing, so I didn’t give him much credit for it.

It went by quickly enough, though. I discovered that Lindsey didn’t really care if I listened when she spoke, and she didn’t get pissed if I just nodded along without paying attention as long as I smiled back at her when she smiled at me. And Chloe hadn’t given up on her decision to attach herself to my arm for the night, and she was okay with me leaning on her when Lindsey took a full ten fucking minutes to decide between two shirts that were both plain white and exactly the same as far as I could tell.

We piled back into Ry’s car after browsing right up until the mall was closing. I was glad when we dropped Lindsey off first. She was definitely on my shit list.

Ryan actually walked her to the door. And, I definitely wasn’t the only one that noticed he took forever to get back, but I was pretty sure I was the only one that didn’t care. I almost didn’t want to leave Chloe in the backseat alone, but…the way she was clinging to me had already freaked Ryan out enough, and I decided Chloe would rather be alone than have me vomit on her, so I moved to the front.

When we pulled up in front of Chloe’s house, she was out of the car before we even really stopped, and was halfway up the path to her door when she remembered to actually wave bye and let us know she’d catch us tomorrow.

I moved to get out too, because there wasn’t really a point in Ryan driving across the street to drop me off, but he grabbed me before I even fully unbuckled my seatbelt.

“So,” he said. “Chloe likes me?”

It didn’t really sound like a question and apparently I’d completely misunderstood the way he’d been frowning all fucking night.

“She _told_ you?” I asked, gaping at him.

Ry shook his head, sighing. “Nah,” he replied. “I was guessing. You just did, though.”

He had the nerve to smirk at that.

“Fuck, Ry,” I said, staring up at Chloe’s house, because irrational or not, I half expected her to come stomping back out to kick my ass. Or, you know, my nuts.

“Relax,” Ry said, and the frown was back. “I’m not going to tell her you told me.”

I didn’t relax. Like that really mattered. Girls _knew_ things. Especially Chloe.

“What are you going to tell her?”

Ryan just shrugged and sighed leaning his head back against the seat. “Nothing. I’m not going to tell her I know.”

And maybe it was because I’d tried that and failed so many times, but that plan had disaster written all over.

“Ry…why not?” I asked. It might be awkward, but it would pass. His plan felt like…dragging it out.

“There’s no way I’ll get through that conversation without fucking everything up,” he said all doom and gloom.

“You like her,” I said, eyes widening. I wasn’t sure, but I knew Ry wouldn’t lie about it if confronted. He had never really said one way or the other, just that he couldn’t date her and I wondered if the reason for that was really the same as mine, like I thought. Chloe was just a friend for me, and I couldn’t really see her as anything else, and not just because I’m gay. I couldn’t really see Ry as anything else either, and actually, the thought was just as disturbing as the thought of dating Chloe was. Maybe more.

I glanced over at Ryan, and I _tried_ to go there in my mind.

I cringed. Definitely more disturbing than the thought of dating Chloe.

Ryan shrugged, but he didn’t answer my question. “I told you…the girls I date don’t stick around,” he said. “And I _don’t care_ but I care if Chloe sticks around.”

“I know but…that’s because _you_ don’t want them to stick around.”

“No,” Ry returned. “That’s because I’m an ass. I just learned to break up with them before they get the words out. It’s easy to see it coming. Like, if a girl smacks you for looking down her big sister’s shirt…it’s probably coming.”

“Oh…you are an ass.”

Ry just nodded, staring out his window.

I rolled my eyes. “But Chloe already knows that. If you like her…”

“I never said that.”

“You never said you didn’t,” I shot back without pause, challenging.

Ry glared at me, jaw clenched. “I can’t have Chloe stop speaking to me. It sucked when _you_ weren’t speaking to me. It’ll suck more with Chloe.” He paused, frowning, before he added, “ _She_ does my homework.”

“Stop being such a chick,” I said, grinning because it wasn’t often I got to say that to Ryan. “Chloe wouldn’t do that. She’s cool.”

Ry had his ‘if you keep talking, I’m going to find a way to run you over with my car’ look, but whatever. I was _in_ the damn car, and for once, it was actually the safer place to be. Seeing as how it wasn’t moving.

“Jake…” Ryan said through clenched teeth. “Get out of my car and go home.”

“No,” I said, and I smirked at him. It’s so rare that I have the upper hand. I was totally basking. “If even I can tell you’re being overdramatic…”

I let it hang. Mostly because, I was totally just teasing. I’d hate it if Ry and Chloe ever stopped talking and I took a moment to appreciate how frustrated Chloe must have been when Ry and I were fighting. It wasn’t ‘no big deal’ the way I was making it out. I just wanted him to get over it and do something. If he actually liked her, it didn’t make sense not to. I wasn’t even sure how I felt about them dating…it was a weird thought, and…we’d always been friends.

But sometimes, I can, apparently, think of others before myself. Chloe would get over it if they broke up, anyway. They both would.

“I’m not being overdramatic,” Ry snapped.

“Okay,” I said, raising my hands in mock surrender. “Fine, whatever. Your choice. She’ll get over it eventually. I could introduce her to Reid. He’s kind of cu—ool. He’s kind of cool.”

Ry glared at me. And yeah, I _went_ there. I knew it would work too, if only because I knew it’d work on me and Ry and I…weren’t _that_ different.

“Fuck. You.” Ry said, pulling his keys out of the ignition, and unbuckling his seatbelt.

I grinned triumphantly and followed him out of the car.

“You’re not coming with me,” he said, actually sounding worried. “Go home.”

I rolled my eyes, and turned away without responding. I didn’t need _him_ to tell me to go home. I felt like I’d just gone through an entire year in one day and I’d been awake for the whole damn thing.

I went into my house and walked up the stairs to my room without even saying hello or goodnight to my parents and I was asleep the second my head hit the pillow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The next few days breezed by. I started riding to school with Ryan and Chloe again, the way I used to before I met Shane. I knew the five minute drive to the school wasn’t really going to do much in the way of balancing my time or whatever, but I’d decided I didn’t really need to _do_ anything to find whatever balance I was looking for. I just needed to stop with the obsessing, and skipping out on my friends at the last minute all the time.

Whatever. It made more sense to ride to school with Chlo and Ry anyway since they were the ones I hung out with while I was _at_ school. I continued to ride _home_ with Shane, since after school was when I spent most of my time with him. I stopped playing at doing homework though. He always wanted to actually _do_ it, and…it was a waste of time arguing with him about getting it done when homework definitely was not the reason I wanted him at my house. I got my homework done with Chloe, really and with Shane…I only really wanted to chill with him, so…I started just _saying_ that.

And guess what? Saying what you mean actually works sometimes.

For the first time in—God, I didn’t even know how long, I didn’t have anything to complain about. I wasn’t even looking for something. I thought…no, I was sure that had been one of my biggest problems. I was always looking for something to be upset about, or to freak out about. Or…not really _looking_ , but I’d been so paranoid that someone would figure me out that I analyzed every action I made as well as the actions the people around me made, and I always _found_ something to freak out about. Even if what I was seeing…wasn’t really there.

All the misunderstandings I’d had with Shane were my fault. I knew that. I mean, no, I really hadn’t done anything wrong when I’d run away from his house, but I couldn’t blame him for thinking what he did. After the way I’d behaved with him, flipping out on him for the smallest things, what else was he supposed to think?

And with Ryan and Chloe and _every fucking one_ around me…I must have been the biggest pain in the ass to be around.

I was just…tired of it. I was tired of fighting with everyone around me, attacking all the people I wanted to _keep_ in my life because I was so afraid of…

Nothing. And I think that’s what had me relaxing: the fact that most of my troubles lately, could have been avoided had I _not_ acted like such a spaz. If I could have just let things be, there wouldn’t have been near as much drama as there had been. _I made_ the drama. I made things out to be a bigger deal than they really were. Things were so much better, once I just fucking….stopped.

Shane and I especially were …different. I couldn’t figure out when it’d started but I credited it to the way that my life had all but calmed down completely. _I’d_ calmed down, and that made it easier to have fun. With everyone.

But mainly Shane.

He’d changed too, but I wasn’t sure what his excuse was. I wondered for a while if my weird anxiety issues were contagious, like yawns, and maybe I was the reason he’d been tense… or as tense as Shane could be.

Whatever. I didn’t really care why things were different. I liked the changes. Shane joked with me more. He’d always done that, but I had a feeling he’d held a lot back because of the way I tended to react to his ‘jokes’. They weren’t really all that bad, though, once I could laugh with him.

It was _good_. I really can’t express how fucking _awesome_ it was to be able to just _let go_. To be able to lean in and kiss him without second-guessing myself. To be able to look at him without feeling like I was doing something wrong. Or just… sitting with him and letting myself enjoy it. All of it.

I didn’t ask him about Colin. I didn’t really see the point. It was in my nature to freak out about stuff like that. Like, I wondered why Shane hadn’t told me when he _knew_ I hung out with the guy but…I figured I wouldn’t have wanted to talk about it either if I were him. If he and Colin were…close at all, then…that probably sucked kinda hard. And the only thing that would have come of it if he had told me would have been me throwing a well placed fit and most likely outing myself to Colin in an attempt to prevent exactly that from happening.

So, I let it go. I told Shane after awhile that I knew it was Colin, and he didn’t deny it, but that was it. Things had worked out, and I didn’t want to…dwell on it. Not when everything was so…good.

Or…most everything.

Shane still wasn’t touching me. I mean, we made out all the time, but he never really let it go too far. And yeah, I spent time obsessing about it—Rome wasn’t built in a day, all right? I kept it to myself, though, and maybe talking about it would have helped, but…uhm, _no_.

Baby steps, dude, baby steps. I was definitely not ready to have that conversation. Or any conversation even remotely resembling it.

Things _were_ different, though. Good different, and even Shane noticed it.

We were hanging out in the park, just sitting in the grass. We’d been swimming in our clothes since neither of us had brought anything else, and it was warm enough to just chill in the sun until we were dry enough to get into his car.

We were near the same place I’d first met him, only this time he was wearing a shirt. Which was normal, I guessed, but I wasn’t going to complain if he…got rid of it. I wondered if there was a way to possibly discreetly suggest he do that. Get rid of it, I mean. His chest looked better, and I hadn’t seen it since our last swim practice, which yeah, was only two days ago, but it seemed longer.

“Do I have something on my chest?” Shane asked, squinting up at me in the sun.

Shane looks really good when he squints, which, should have been impossible. Nobody looked good squinting.

“Jake?” he asked when I didn’t respond.

I blinked, looking up at him. “Huh?” I said, and then shook my head. “Uhm, no…there’s nothing there. Except a shirt. Which is normal. And…there’s a stripe on it…which is also normal. And it’s blue. That’s cool.”

And good God, I needed to shut up. Even I could hear how obvious I was. It sounded way too much like the conversation I’d been having with myself in my head, and I frowned.

Shane arched an eyebrow at me before he let out a loud bark of laughter that had me jumping in surprise. I was totally caught.

“You were checking me out,” Shane said somehow managing to sound surprised and smug at once. His voice was barely a whisper, and I was grateful for it. I supposed he’d always done that—lowered his voice when he said things like that—I just hadn’t noticed before. He’d always sounded so loud to me, because back then, _I_ hadn’t wanted to hear what he was saying.

“Shut up,” I muttered rolling my eyes, because it’d be pointless to try and deny it and I was a little bitter about that. I smiled at _him_ , though. I wasn’t really doing it on purpose; just…Shane looks good when he squints.

Shane grinned wide and bright. “I _like_ you like this,” he said.

And I would have asked him what he meant by that if I didn’t already totally get it. We were…different. In the good way.

I nodded, smiling back at him. “I like it too.”

Shane shook his head, chewing his lower lip. “Not as much as me.”

“I’m pretty sure I like it more,” I said, because _he_ only had to deal with me a part of the time. I was stuck with me, however, and I was positive there was no way he appreciated my relaxing more than I did. It felt _good_.

“Really?” Shane asked, rolling onto his side, so the sun wasn’t directly in his face. I missed the squinting.

“Really,” I replied, nodding absentmindedly.

“I bet you don’t,” Shane said. “Do you want to drag yourself into the nearest bathroom and make out with yourself? No? I didn’t think so. Wait…you don’t, right?”

I snorted, laughing as I shook my head. “No.”

“Ha” Shane said softly, staring at me, grin still in place. “I totally win.”

And…I was okay with that. I grinned back, dropping down on the ground to lie next to him.

Maybe it was the way that Ry and Chloe knew, and they were still there, or maybe I was just frustrated with how many fights Shane and I got into for no goddamn reason other than the fact that we could both—but mostly me—be complete idiots.

I was _over it_. I was done freaking out about things before they happened. If something went wrong…well, I’d deal with it then. I wasn’t going to throw fits before that, though, and I wasn’t going to spend all my time in a panic while I waited for the other shoe to drop either.

I actually felt _good_. About everything. As far back as I could remember, I’d _never_ had that feeling. Like there was absolutely nothing wrong. I wanted to savor it. Fuck all the useless stressing.

I had my friends. My parents were none the wiser. I had _Shane_. School was…well, whatever, who the fuck cares? Life can’t be completely perfect.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

The only good thing I can come up with to say about English class is that it’s my last class of the day. I’d never really paid attention in that class and that was why. I was too busy paying attention to how fast the clock was ticking to really pay attention to some fucked up story where the main guy kills his dad and marries his mother, and seriously? Sick.

“Why can’t we ever read something happy?” I asked Ryan as we exited the class after the bell rang. “Something with more rainbows and sunshine, and less…murder and incest. I mean, this is supposed to be high school. I’m scarred for life.”

“Oh, my God,” Ry replied in an exaggerated whisper, leaning in so I could hear him over the chatter in the halls. “I can’t believe I didn’t know you were gay. Did you always talk about rainbows and sunshine? Not cool.”

“Shut up,” I said, rolling my eyes after only pausing for the briefest second to check and see if anyone had picked that up.

Ry laughed, grabbing my shoulder and shoving. “Cheer up,” he said, grinning. “We read that…what’s it called…that Shakespeare thing a couple weeks ago.”

“You liked that? And you’re _not_ gay.”

“Fuck you,” Ry said, laughing. “It was kind of cool, after Chlo explained. Hey, did you know nunnery meant, like, whorehouse? And Hamlet told his girl to go to one. Awesome.”

“The thing is,” I said, hitching my backpack further up on my shoulders. “I really have no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, yeah,” Ry said, frowning. “We weren’t talking back then. You weren’t there when Chloe explained.”

I shrugged. Ry and I were finally in this place where we were hardly awkward with each other at all anymore, and I didn’t want to ruin it by bringing up our fight.

“Who cares?” I asked, smirking at him. “It’s Shakespeare. I’m passing the class…finally. And I did it without ever learning anything about nunneries and whorehouses. I rock.”

Ry’s brow furrowed as he thought that one over. “Yeah,” he said after a minute. “Yeah, you win this one.”

“I know,” I snorted. “ _You_ had to listen to Chloe talk about Shakespeare. Ha.”

“Fuck you,” he said again, with another shove. “She made it sound interesting.”

I laughed arching an eyebrow at him, but the effect was ruined when I had to sidestep to avoid running into a guy that could most definitely kick my ass if I pissed him off by tripping him in the hall. “I bet.”

“Jackass,” Ry muttered, before clearing his throat. “Speaking of Chloe…”

“No,” I said and shook my head decisively. “We’re not talking about Chloe.”

Ryan glared at me as he stopped at his locker. Usually, that was where I left him to go catch a ride with Shane, and I was going to, but you don’t just walk off when your friend is talking. Even if they’re totally insulting you.

“Can’t you just go back to being a freak that cries all the time about his big gay crisis and girly issues?” Ryan was saying. “I’m not the loser here. You are.”

“You’re a way bigger loser than me,” I said, considering it. “You use gel,” I added, because hey. _Proof_.

“Whatever,” Ry said, shrugging his shoulders. “I work the gel. I’m totally badass.”

I rolled my eyes, but Chloe walked up before I had a chance to respond to that.

I grinned. “Who’s the bigger loser, me, or Ry?” I asked, because she was totally going to say Ry.

“You’re both losers,” she said, preoccupied. And okay, not the response I was looking for, but at least she didn’t say me.

“What’s up?” Ry asked, face scrunching up for a second while he fidgeted awkwardly. He’d been doing that ever since he and Chloe had had their ‘talk’. He hadn’t told me what happened, but he swore he’d talked to her about it. I almost didn’t believe him, though. Nothing had really changed with the two of them, and if it weren’t for the way Chloe had dragged me off the next day to scream in a weird squeal I didn’t understand, I’d have called Bull Shit, because, seriously, almost _nothing_ had changed.

I don’t know what I expected. I could barely imagine Ry and Chloe doing something like hold hands or—God—make out, but…that was what ‘couples’ did, right? And the thought of them as a couple was odd enough, but I couldn’t really figure out what else they _could_ be. If Ry had talked to her, I couldn’t see how they wouldn’t have done something about…whatever you called their thing.

They didn’t hold hands, though. Even if they were a couple. They didn’t kiss, and Ry didn’t stare at Chloe’s chest.

They were the same. Chloe sometimes looked like she was going to do that creepy squealing thing and Ry shot her pathetic puppy looks when he thought no one was looking, but that was it. Oh and there was the awkward way Ry fidgeted every time Chloe walked into a room. Like now.

“Hi,” he said, after a moment of silence, and I will never give myself shit about being pathetic with Shane ever again. I was so clearly not the only one with issues.

“Hi,” Chloe replied, doing that ‘I’m trying not to smile’ thing. They were…looking at each other, and I guessed nothing was wrong with that but they were also both shooting _me_ looks. That’d never happened before and I didn’t know what they meant but I took that as my cue to leave. I took a few steps backward, waving with a muttered ‘later’ as I did.

It was awkward, for me, but it’d pass. It never lasted very long with them, which was probably why it didn’t really feel like they changed.

Shane was waiting for me when I got out to the student parking lot. He was leaning against the driver’s side of his car talking to Caydence, laughing at something she’d said. I walked up at the end of the conversation and honestly, I didn’t even _want_ to know what they were talking about.

“…just a baby but, Jesus, it was huge. Slimy, too. Like this really creepy, slimy, one eyed thing. And I got to watch my dad kill it. Awesome, right?”

I made a mental note to never let myself be talked into visiting Caydence at home.

“Totally,” Shane said, and okay, maybe I did have a few questions. It couldn’t have been that crazy if he agreed with her.

“Then, we got to eat it,” Caydence went on, and I immediately changed my mind. “Dad used three bottles of beer.”

Shane shook his head, giving her one of his soft smiles. “You’re special, Cay. You’re…just a special kind of person.”

Caydence narrowed her eyes at him. “My dad tell you to say that? He did, didn’t he?”

Shane shook his head, and did a double take when he finally noticed me standing there.

“Hey,” he said, biting his lip on a smile.

We all just sort of stood there for a minute. I was watching Shane smile, and Shane was watching me, and Caydence was probably watching squirrels. Whatever. We were all a little preoccupied for a second, and I couldn’t speak for them, but I could have just stood there doing nothing but watch for a while.

But Shane cleared his throat, shaking his head. “You ready?” he asked, stepping away from his car to open the door. It screeched loudly as he did, and I don’t care how much work he swore his dad was doing on the damn thing, it wasn’t getting any better. It was getting worse.

I climbed into the car on the other side to wait while Shane said bye to Caydence. I heard her say something about ‘strawberry picking’ and ‘tomorrow’, which sucked because I’d kind of wanted him to hang out on Saturday, but he said he’d be there. She waved at me through the window when Shane got into the car and I waved back, even if she was kind of ruining my weekend.

“Tyler’s coming home,” Shane said, the second he had his car door shut. “His aunt still lives here, and she’s sick.”

I frowned. “And this is good?”

“ _Yes_ ,” Shane said, as if he’d just told me he’d won the fucking lottery and I’d asked if he had money to go out for pizza.

“Oh,” I said, shrugging. “So, it’s not serious?”

I was trying to _care_. I’d fucked up with his mom when I missed that she was sick, and…maybe he wasn’t close to Tyler’s aunt but I was trying.

“What isn’t serious?”

“Tyler’s aunt,” I replied, sliding my hand up and down my seatbelt. “Is she alright?”

“Oh,” Shane snorted, waving me off. “Yeah, she’s a drama queen. She broke a toe when Tyler was still here and Tyler’s mom took care of her for like a week. She’s an enabler. But who _cares_?” He took a breath. “Tyler’s coming back.”

“Right,” I said, grinning, because his mood was contagious. He was _really_ excited. “And who’s Tyler?”

“Nobody,” Shane said, grinning widely. And no, he wasn’t really making a lot of sense, but I was okay with that.

“Tyler’s nobody? But you’re full on about to throw a parade for him?”

“No,” Shane said laughing, as he turned on his car and shifted into reverse. “Sorry, I’m having a good day.”

I couldn’t see how that was a bad thing, or why he was apologizing for it, so I just smiled. “It’s cool. So…Tyler?”

“Oh,” Shane said, and shook his head. “I told you about him. He was my friend. Him, Toby, and Caydence. And he’s totally going to kick Toby’s ass, by the way. I can’t, because it’s petty and my mother will beat me with a stick, but Tyler can. And I can watch. Caydence is going to bring Jellybeans because she hates popcorn.”

“Okay,” I said, laughing. “How long has it been since he was here?” I thought it was a good question, given how Shane was practically jumping in his seat.

“Oh,” Shane said, waving a hand at me again. “Not that long. He was here when I met you, actually. But I barely got to see him. I will this time, though.”

I arched an eyebrow. “Then why are you acting like Britney’s coming to town?”

Shane opened his mouth to respond and then shut it promptly, turning to look at me for a second before turning back to the road as he _laughed his ass off_.

“Brit—Britney Spears?” he asked, his eyes squeezing shut with his laughter.

And yeah, maybe I could have pulled out a better celebrity, but I wasn’t really thinking about it. And everyone knows who she is.

“You know what I mean,” I muttered defensively, rolling my eyes. “Watch the road.”

He was still chuckling when we pulled into my driveway. “Are you’re parents home?” he asked, his eyes sparkling

I promptly forgot about what we were talking about, and I felt my face flush as I lowered my voice—even though we were still in the car—and said, “They shouldn’t be.”

He nodded, biting his lip, and stared at me for a second longer before he unbuckled his seatbelt. And _this was it_. I could feel it.

Neither of us said a word as we walked up the path to my front door. I felt…tense. In a good way. The hair on my arms and the back of my neck stood on end, because, I swore I could feel him watching me. Staring at me.

I took me a full minute to actually unlock my door, and my breath was already picking up it’s pace, and for a good reason. I _knew_ something was coming.

And I was right.

The second I opened my front door, Shane shoved me inside and only paused a second to make sure no one was around before he shoved the door shut by shoving _me_ against it.

“Jesus,” was all I had time to whisper before his lips were against mine. My parents may not have been home but, it was definitely a little awkward to have him kissing me in my living room. The same living room my parents and I used to have family night in, monopoly and everything.

It was a good kiss. He pressed his body fully against mine, hands gripping at my waist as he slipped his tongue past my lips. I was almost having trouble keeping up with everything and for a second, my hands were kind of…flailing. It was just _good_ , and promising and right when I adjusted enough to put my arms around him gripping his shoulders, he pulled away.

“Shane,” I groaned, pulling him back in, because, seriously, the pulling away was getting old quick.

“Maybe we should go somewhere else,” he commented, ignoring my attempts to get my tongue back into his mouth. His leaned in and pressed a quick kiss to my fucking _nose_ before grabbing my wrists and pulling away. “We always get distracted here.”

“Who says distracted is a bad thing?” I asked, with a sigh.

“I do,” Shane said. “We should do something. Do you like rollerblading? Or…fishing?”

“Are you kidding?” I asked, incredulous, but it wasn’t the kind of are you kidding that means ‘of _course_ I like fishing’. It was the kind that means…well, are you fucking kidding? You’d rather be fishing?

“No,” Shane said, walking further into the house to throw himself down on the sofa. “I think I could fish. Caydence went yesterday. She said it was fun.”

“I don’t want to fish,” I said, staring at him. “But…” I sighed again. “We could do something. If you want.”

“Nah,” Shane said, grinning at me. “I just…wanted to see if you would.”

“That was a test?” I asked, flatly. “Ass.”

Shane nodded. “Only sometimes… mostly when I’m around you.”

“Is that a good thing?”

Shane shrugged. “I don’t know.”

“Oh,” I said, and shrugged as I moved to sit with him. “Okay. I guess.”

“Mmm,” he said. “So. Did you want to come with us tomorrow? Strawberry picking, I mean. You could meet Tyler.”

He said it like it was the best thing that could have ever happened to me.

I arched an eyebrow. “Tyler. Right.” I shrugged. “He’s the reason you’re having such a good day?”

“No,” Shane replied, grabbing the television remote and turning on the TV before changing it to some music channel. “I mean…partly, because I miss the guy, but…no. It’s just a good day. My mom had her last treatment yesterday. Tyler’s coming. I got an A on my AP History test, and now I’m here. It’s a good day.”

“Oh,” I said softly, smiling until my fucking cheeks hurt, because I was really _that_ wrapped up in him. “So, it’s partly me.”

“Yup,” said Shane simply, before nodding at the TV. “MTV. It’s like…’I’m famous. See me date. See me date lunatics. See the lunatics I’m dating beat each other with guitars’. Dating shows. All the time.”

“Why are we watching it, then?” I asked.

“Lunatics and guitars, dude,” Shane replied clicking his tongue. “This is _entertainment_. Or…close enough. Catch up.”

I nodded, but Shane had his eyes glued to the screen. I tried to watch with him. But, lunatics and guitars just weren’t as interesting as he’d made them out to be. I searched for something to say—anything to get his attention away from the television, but I’d only been thinking about it for a second before I remembered something he said and mentally kicked myself for not saying anything a minute ago.

“So, your mom’s okay?” I asked, and I really was curious, but I still kind of celebrated when my plan totally worked and he immediately turned away from the television.

“Yeah,” he said after a moment’s pause. “She always was. I told you that.”

“I know,” I said, nodding. “But she’s better? She’s not sick anymore?”

Shane studied me for a second, his head cocking to the side the way it always did. It was a while before he said anything and he lowered the volume when he did.

“I don’t know,” he said, leaning back into the huge pillows at the back of the sofa. “She’s done with treatment. I figure that’s gotta be a good thing. Treatment is supposed to…treat you, right?”

I nodded like I actually knew what I was talking about. “Yeah.”

“My dad’s making cake and shit on Sunday after her next appointment, too,” he went on. “You should come.”

I wasn’t sure about that. It sounded more like a family thing.

“Uhm…if you want,” I said anyway.

“My dad cooks like I make quesadillas. _Mom_ doesn’t even want to be there.”

I laughed, and on a whim, I said, “I didn’t throw them away.” I just blurted it out. It wasn’t even important and it kind of made me feel a little stupid, but I figured it’d make him laugh. And even if he was laughing at _me_ , at least his smile would be back. He’d been in a good mood, and I felt like I ruined it by bring up his mom.

“You ate them?” he asked incredulously, but he was smiling again, eyes lit. “Did you get sick? My sister got sick.”

“I didn’t eat them,” I assured him, and blushed as I went on. “I put them in the fridge.”

I didn’t say why. If he didn’t get it on his own, I wasn’t telling him. I’d made enough of an ass out of myself.

“Do you still have them?” he asked, head tilting as his smile brightened. “Seriously? Did they change colors?”

“Uhm, no,” I said, brow furrowing. “My mom threw them away and she yelled at my dad because she thought it was him. I still have the note, though.”

I waited for him to laugh, and tell me what a lame thing that had been to do, or how much of a girl I was, but he didn’t do either of those things, not right away. His smile went soft and he leaned in to brush his lips lightly against mine. I let him. I didn’t push for more, and I didn’t turn away to hide the blush I felt creeping up my neck into my cheeks.

“Geek,” he whispered, his breath washing over my lips before he pulled away. And maybe it was the kiss or maybe it was the way he was smiling, but I didn’t feel like he was making fun of me.

So I shrugged. “Whatever.”

“You know it took me three hours to even make them turn out _that_ good?” he said, sitting back against the pillows again, his head turned to look at me.

I snorted. “Is that including all the time you spent trying to make them here?”

“Hey!” he said, and threw the remote at me. “That was your fault too.”

The remote hit me in the chest, and Shane actually looked sorry about it like he wasn’t aiming to actually hit me, before I rolled my eyes and set it on the cushion next to me.

He shoved me gently before launching right into telling me all about the pans he ruined, and the way he smoked his sisters and brother out of the house. He told me that the only reason the ones he gave me weren’t burnt was because his dad had helped him, and I laughed all the way through. I also refused to take blame for how we couldn’t figure it out at _my_ house when he was clearly so much worse off without me. He told me about how his dad got home and tried to be pissed, but couldn’t when he saw the look on Shane’s face, and the rest of Shane’s siblings sitting out on the back porch. And I told him about how awkward it was trying to explain to my mom why I was keeping toxic waste in the refrigerator.

“What’d you say?” Shane asked, chuckling, face flushed for all the laughing we were doing and I shrugged.

“Science project.”

Shane chest shook as he dissolved into another fit of laughter, and when he sobered, he told me about the science project _he’d_ done his freshman year and how it got him suspended for a week.

We were still talking when my mom got home, arms full of groceries. She barely muttered a hello before she was stumbling into the kitchen.

Shane hopped up to help her, and I frowned, because everybody I knew was better at being a decent person than I was. My mom had come home like that a ton of times and I’d never once offered to help her.

I didn’t dwell on that for too long though. I was looking at the clock, because, I really couldn’t believe I’d spent hours just talking.

With Ryan or Chlo, it was easy. We could talk without ever having to say anything, but with Shane, I felt obligated to be…interesting, or something. I couldn’t say just anything to him. I wanted it to sound…

I don’t know.

But we’d spent three hours just talking, and I could actually remember most of it. Talking with Shane was different from talking to anyone else. I felt different. It kept me more on edge.

He touched me more, and if I said something he liked, he’d lean in to press his lips against mine. Never really long enough to start anything, and most times, he’d pull away before I had a chance to feel it. But it made something in my chest jump. Or he’d lower his voice, even when we were alone to make suggestive comments and I’d _feel_ it. It send shivers all throughout my body.

I’d been obsessing about the lack of anything all that physical between Shane and me, but it was kind of stupid. I’d just been _talking_ to him, and that was just as good.

Or… not, but it was close. I felt like I could go on doing it forever without really feeling like I’d wasted any time.

Shane helped my mom carry the groceries in and we both helped her put them away. I didn’t usually help her with the groceries, but Shane was totally making me look bad. She kicked us out of the kitchen so she could make dinner though, and I had a moment where I might have possibly been having an attack of paranoia when she made it a point to ask me to stay downstairs instead of holing myself up in my room as I normally did when Shane was around.

She was smiling when she said it. It was one of those smiles parents wear when they sigh and mutter ‘teenagers’ or something like that, but still… I hadn’t thought she’d noticed. I didn’t spend as much time with Chloe and Ry up in my room, but we always went up there when my parents were around. Nobody liked to hang out with their friends and parents at the same time.

“Chill,” Shane said a few moments after we sat back down in the living room. “She doesn’t know. She just wants you down for dinner. So, relax. You’re fidgeting.”

“How would you know,” I muttered. “You’re not even looking at me. You’re watching TV again.”

Which totally wasn’t annoying me at all. Just saying.

“I _am_ looking,” he replied with a snort. “I just learned to look without you seeing me. You throw fits when you can see. It’s really dramatic. Besides, even if I wasn’t looking, I can _feel_ you fidgeting.”

“You can not,” I protested, rolling my eyes.

“Can too,” Shane shot back, turning to grin at me. “Your knee is jumping. It’s shaking the couch.”

I glared down at my knee, and my hand shot out to steady it. And, I really wished I could be more discreet at times like that.

Shane cracked up laughing. “Told you,” he said, grinning as he flipped the channel to some movie with a hot girl tied to a tree screaming.

“Shut up,” I shot back, but I was already leaning back into the sofa, smiling as I relaxed.

The movie was…a movie. It was all hot girls having sex right before they get hacked to pieces and I wondered vaguely why they could show the hacking and the sex but they had to bleep out words like ‘shit’. It was a little ridiculous.

Mostly, I wasn’t paying attention though. Shane and I put on movies all the time, but we never _really_ watched them, and I didn’t want to now. I wanted to go back to talking if we couldn’t go up to my room. A lot of what we’d been talking about before totally wouldn’t get me in trouble and it was a lot more enjoyable than all the blood and guts on the television.

I opened my mouth to say something once or twice, but both times, Shane started laughing at the movie before I could get actual words out, and I’d turn back to the television trying to catch what it was that made him laugh.

I tried another couple times, before I gave up. It wasn’t _that_ bad just watching Shane enjoy himself…and he totally was. For a minute, I couldn’t decide if that was lame or kind of cute, but Shane actually jumped when the main chick’s boyfriend died, and…yeah, I was going with cute. So what? There was no proof.

I made it a solid ten minutes before I reached for the tassels on one of the throw pillows to fidget again, this time because I was bored. I could handle sitting through a stupid movie and if I could count tassels, I wasn’t going to be sighing like an annoying little brat every three seconds.

Shane still noticed the fidgeting, even though I was trying to be discreet about it, and he didn’t look at me, or say anything, but…he did reach out and drop his hand on top of mine.

I stopped fidgeting, but he didn’t move. He just let his hand rest there, and once I relaxed—after checking to make sure there was no way my mother could see us—the movie got a whole lot better.

Or…watching it got better. I wasn’t paying attention to anything but Shane’s fingers playing over my knuckles and the back of my hand. Over and over. It should have been tedious. The movie had more going on, but my focus was definitely on his fingers, and no matter how many times he stroked over the back of my hand, through my fingers and over my knuckles, slightly up my arm, and back down to brush my thigh every so often, I didn’t get bored.

I took a second to marvel at how much I really must be desperate for some kind of action if I was actually getting excited at… _almost_ handholding, but I shrugged the thought off. My heart beat a little faster in my chest and I chewed my lower lip, as I turned my hand over. I shivered when his fingers fluttered over my palm, and yeah, I knew I was pathetic. I just didn’t give a shit. He had me completely worked up, my entire body _tense_ , and he was barely doing anything.

I was getting a little lost in it. In that little bit of contact. It had me so on edge; I had to fight to keep my body steady. It was a good thing I hadn’t really been paying attention to the movie to begin with because my concentration was shot.

It was ridiculous. I felt like every breath of air I took was too hot for my chest, and my skin was vibrating. Fucking ridiculous. I don’t know if it was because I’d wanted to be close to him all day, and what he was giving me just wasn’t enough, or because my mom was in the next room, or maybe just because it was Shane and pretty much everything he did kind of drove me up the wall in the best way possible.

It didn’t really matter why. I’d decided not to push, or do anything to start a fight because things were good and I didn’t want to fuck it up, but right then I felt like he was teasing me. I wasn’t sure if that was fair, seeing as how he was barely touching me, but that’s what it felt like. It wasn’t enough, and I wanted more.

And I was _so_ sure the only reason we hadn’t done anything was because Shane was holding back for me. Which kind of sucked because it meant that if I wanted anything to happen, I was going to have to say, or do something first, and I wasn’t sure how to do that, but enough was fucking enough.

Shane jerked away from me when my mom came in to tell us dinner was ready, and I was grateful, because I wasn’t really paying attention to anything that wasn’t him. He also slid a goddamn pillow into my lap, and I really don’t know where the fuck that came from. My hard on, I mean. I hadn’t even realized it was there.

And it really is stupid that the fact that he _knew_ what he was doing to me didn’t really embarrass me at all. It turned me on more, and I clenched my jaw around a frustrated groan.

“What’s wrong, honey?” My mom asked, sitting down on the coffee table in front of us. “Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale.”

She slid her hand over my cheek and up to my forehead to feel for a fever. I shoved her hand away, glaring.

“I’m fine, mom,” I muttered, and she didn’t even try to hide her fond smile. Whatever. I just didn’t want her touching me. It was not the time.

“Right,” she said, standing back up. And she ran her hand through my fucking hair.

I hate her sometimes.

“Come on,” she went on. “Have some dinner. See if that helps.”

Shane was smirking at me when I turned back to him to ask if he was cool with staying for dinner. But fuck that, he could go home.

“Yeah,” Shane said, licking his lips, and I was totally just kidding about him going home. “Let’s eat, I’m starving.”

“Dinner’s in the kitchen,” Mom said smiling at him. “Help yourself.” She turned back to me. “Make sure you get the dishes done before you dad gets home.”

“Where are you going?” I asked, turning away from Shane for a second because…I had to. I was having thoughts that were entirely inappropriate to have in front of my mom and I figured I needed to take a step back and breathe. I just needed to be…looking elsewhere.

“Dryer’s acting up again,” mom told me and nodded to the basket of clothes she had waiting in the doorway of the kitchen. “I’m taking them to the Laundromat.”

Oh. Well, boring. “Okay,” I told my mother and glared at Shane when she leaned down to kiss my forehead, daring him to say anything about it.

He smiled. “Bye Mrs. Taylor. Thanks for dinner.”

My mom smiled back at him and she was saying something about it being her pleasure or whatever. I was looking at Shane again, smiling with my back turned on my mom because she was _leaving_ and dinner was going to have to wait.

Shane frowned when I gripped his arm to keep him from going into the kitchen, but I just grinned at him. I wanted to kiss him. Just…I could handle not having any more, but I wanted at least that much.

I waited until I heard my mom’s car pull away, and I didn’t even ask before I dragged him upstairs to my room. Yes, dragged. He wasn’t exactly fighting me, but he wasn’t hurrying to keep up either.

Any other day that might have offended me, or at the very least, it would have had me backing down. But it was his fucking fault, damn it, and it wasn’t like I was going to make him do anything. I just…really needed to be kissing him. Now.

“Jake,” he said the second I all but slammed my bedroom door shut behind us. “I really should go home.”

“No, you shouldn’t,” I argued, and I pressed against him. “You should _really_ stay. Trust me.”

That had Shane laughing a little, and when I moved in to kiss him, he let me.

“Alright,” he muttered into my mouth. “I’ll stay. If you’re asking.”

“I’m asking.”

“Just for a few minutes,” he whispered, already sounding a little distracted, and fine, a few minutes, what the fuck ever, I just wanted to be kissing him.

I led him backward to my bed, my lips sliding sloppily over his, uncoordinated. And whatever, I didn’t even care. If he wanted this to be graceful, he could help or something.

His knees hit the edge of my bed before I expected and I pulled back just in time to avoid biting Shane’s tongue, which hadn’t happened before but I didn’t need experience to know something like that probably doesn’t help the…mood.

I pushed him down on the bed, but before I could pin him, the way he always did to me, he pulled me down next to him, pushing me flat on my back. And yeah, I took a second to wonder if he did that so it’d be easier for him to pull away. But only a second. Because Shane was letting me kiss him.

It took a second for Shane to get into it, which by the way, is distracting. I couldn’t really enjoy it if he wasn’t. I wasn’t even sure I really _wanted_ him to stay a few minutes if he was only doing it to humor me, but he relaxed, sighing into my mouth a second before I moved to pull back.

It would have been harder to push—to initiate things the way I was if it weren’t for the fact that Shane made it so obvious he wanted me. That he enjoyed this just as much as I did. I mean, I wasn’t the sharpest…and actually, I was kind of slow, but even I could see it.

He was always pulling away, and that bothered me, but it would have bothered me _more_ if it weren’t for the way that he’d grip my shirt, pushing and pulling right before he did, like he didn’t really want to back off. Or the way, if I ran my tongue over the inside of his lips, he’d dig his fingers into my shoulders hard enough to hurt. And he was always moving, his body shaking, writhing above mine, and God, it was hot. _He_ was hot. And I _knew_ he wanted me.

Or…I was _almost_ positive.

I was pretty sure the only reason he’d been pulling away was because of _me_. Because he didn’t want to freak me out, and I wasn’t going to, but I couldn’t blame him for thinking so, all things considered. I just…wished he’d stop holding back.

I knew he was just as into it as I was. He was gripping me so fucking tight I wouldn’t be surprised if I bruised from it, and he was letting out these grunts, his hips twitching like he was trying his damnedest to keep them still and it wasn’t _quite_ working. I could feel him hard against my hip, even if he was trying to hide it, and I hated that _I_ was the reason nothing was going to happen. I was the reason he was pulling away.

Again.

I was so over it.

I followed his lips when he pulled away this time, instead of just trying to pull him back in and…that almost worked. It worked well enough to get him to forget for a second what he’d been about to do and he kissed me back, hands sliding over my chest and up to my neck.

“Jake,” he whispered, pressing his forehead against mine to keep me from moving back in. “I really need to go.”

“Your parents are like…the coolest people ever, and I know you’re curfew isn’t actually…at eight thirty,” I said quickly, trying to get him to just shut up, and let it go, because I was _fine_. He was fine. We were all fine and could we please just be _doing_ this.

“That’s not why, I just…have to leave,” Shane said, hands gripping my shoulders and pushing me back when I moved to kiss his neck, and…okay, I couldn’t really ignore that. There was an entire section in sex Ed dedicated to ‘no means no’. And…Shane wasn’t a girl, but I was pretty sure it still applied.

“Shane,” I sighed, pulling back. “Why?”

He chewed his lips, and for the first time in…ever, Shane was the one avoiding my eyes.

“Do you… _want_ to leave?” I asked, my eyes widening and I was already going through all the reasons I’d used to convince myself that he wanted me and second guessing every last one of them.

“No,” Shane said, eyes shooting up to meet mine, and I let out a relieved sigh as he repeated. “No, I don’t. I just…” he took a breath, closing his eyes. “I can stay. I want to, I just…you really need to give me a minute,” he finished smiling softly, his cheeks tinted pink.

And Jesus Christ, if I only had a fucking brain. Maybe I wasn’t the _only_ reason Shane was always taking off. Or…I was. I was right, he didn’t want to push, but maybe he was also leaving because it was hard for him to stay. So to speak.

I took a breath and placed a hand on his thigh to get him to look at me.

“You don’t…” I said, and swallowed, taking another breath to calm myself down and _do_ this. Something had to give, and it obviously wasn’t going to be Shane. I hated that it had to be me, but seriously, this was getting a little ridiculous. I smiled at him before continuing. “You don’t need a minute.”

I moved closer to him, pressing a hand in the center of his chest until he was lying down against my pillows. He was watching me, his body loose, letting me pretty much manhandle him, but he wasn’t complaining. He was just…watching. Waiting.

I leaned in, scooting closer until my body was pressed full against his side, and _fuck it_ , I was going for it. I thrust my erection against his hip, and bit my lower lip on the gasp that threatened to slip out.

I looked up, met his eyes, and repeated, “You really, _really_ don’t want to take a minute.”

“I don’t?” he asked, hissing in a breath of air as he stared right back at me. His brow furrowed, and he swallowed, licking his lips rapidly. “Are you sure, Jake? Seriously, we don’t need…”

I shook my head. “I’m sure,” I cut him off, because I didn’t really want to get into what I did or didn’t need. I wanted this, and that was pretty much all I could say. I didn’t want to go into detail. I was ready, and I’m sure that pretty much covered it.

God, I just…I wanted more. I mean, I saw him every fucking day and it was _good_. I liked everything about him. He was always so fucking…nice. Too nice to me, especially when I hadn’t given him any reason to be. I liked his stupid jokes and the annoying way he always laughed at me, or looked at me like he could see right through all my bullshit. He never pushed me, and I liked that too, even if it was a pain in the ass…like now.

It’d been enough, just being around him, because even that made me feel…just feel. But I wanted more, and if he was willing, and I was willing, It was _stupid_ for us not to go there.

Also, I was so fucking hard, it hurt to have my jeans on and something had to fucking _give_ already.

“I’m sure,” I repeated with a nod and I crawled on top of him, watching him the whole while, tensed for any objections he might have but he didn’t say anything.

And then I was kissing him again, my hands grasping and clutching at his sides, his hips, and his shoulders as I tried to feel all of him at once. It was a lot faster than when he touched me. Not because I was eager…or not _only_ because I was eager. It was also that I didn’t want to give myself time to think about what I was doing. I wanted him, and I didn’t want to second-guess myself the way I so often did. I wasn’t going to back down at the last moment and fuck everything up all over again.

I wanted more…I did. I thought about it all the time, but now that I was here actually doing this, I had no fucking clue how to start.

I kept hoping that if I kissed him hard enough, pulled him close enough, dug my fingers deep enough into his shoulders, he’d catch the hint and make a move, but he didn’t. He was leaving it all on me. He didn’t deepen the kiss until I did. His hands stayed on my hips and didn’t move except to grip me a little tighter each time I thrust my tongue into his mouth, desperate for _more_ and too much of a fucking pussy to actually do anything about it myself.

Lame. Really lame.

I pulled back enough to rest my forehead against his, uneven breaths slipping past my lips and into Shane’s mouth, still open and panting. I didn’t want to stop, and I wasn’t going to, but I needed to take a breath and find my balls. Which shouldn’t have been as hard as it was, considering.

“This is okay?” I asked softly, hoping like hell he knew what I was talking about.

“Yeah, it’s…yeah,” he said, and my head slid off to the side when he nodded.

“Okay,” I said, more to myself than him. “Alright.”

I kissed him against, softer. Slower. Slipped my tongue out just enough to taste his lips, and then I slid my mouth down to his neck. I wanted his lips, but it was easier, knowing he couldn’t see me. I was more nervous than I could ever remember being in my life. I’d been nervous when Shane had done this for me, but I didn’t have to do anything then. I just had to lay back and enjoy it.

This was different. I was…terrified I wouldn’t get it right. It was his turn to…sit back and enjoy, but what if he didn’t? Enjoy it, I mean.

 _Stop_.

I couldn’t think about it. I just had to keep going. I’d jerked myself off more times than I could count in the last fucking _week_. I could totally do this. But I couldn’t look at him, so I kept my lips at his neck, no matter how much I wanted to be kissing him.

Besides, it was worth it for the way he shuddered out a gasp, when my teeth rode over the skin of his neck, more by accident while I was taking a breath than anything else, but he liked it. So I did it again, a little longer.

I slid my hand over his thigh, up over his hip…and it would have only been logical for me to slide my hand between us to touch his cock. I could feel it against me, and really that was the whole point of all this, but I was stalling. Or… I was building up to it.

Shane let out something like I whimper when I slipped my hand up his shirt, fingers gliding over his stomach, feeling as it flexed and quivered. He groaned when my fingertips slid over his chest, playing at his nipples when I saw that he liked it. And hell if that wasn’t encouraging.

I pulled back, chancing a look at Shane’s face because…well, the only reason I’d been hiding was because I was afraid of what he was thinking, but…he was enjoying it. I was almost positive he was enjoying it. I just had to see. To make sure.

Good fucking God.

Shane doesn’t blush, not really. But his whole face, his neck, and the little bit of his chest that I could see were all flushed with color, and his eyes—God, his fucking eyes. Liquid black, lined with the sharpest blue, and God, this was the best idea I’d ever had. In like, my entire life. Including that time I bet my mom I could keep a job for the summer if she’d let me go with Ry and Chlo to Warp Tour.

I pulled back, pushing Shane’s legs apart so I could kneel between them and he just…let me. He just went with it. Didn’t even flinch, and why had I been so afraid he’d say _no_?

I couldn’t remember.

I pressed both my hands against Shane’s stomach, just pressing at first to feel him flex against my palms before I pushed up, lifting his shirt as I did. And Shane…he lifted his arms without a fucking word, higher and higher as I pushed his shirt until he was sitting up to help me get it off of him.

He tossed his shirt off the side of my bed before he laid back down, eyes on me the whole time, waiting. I was…intrigued. Like, he was _there_ , and he was _Shane_ and I was…allowed to touch him and do whatever I wanted and that thought was making me _quake_.

“Are you okay?” Shane asked, and my eyes lifted from his chest to meet his.

My head moved, but it was awkward. Part nodding and shaking my head, and finally I just said, “I have no idea,” but I don’t think I meant it in a bad way. I was a little overwhelmed. I _wanted_ , but I didn’t know what. And Shane didn’t seem to care; he was letting me do whatever.

I really couldn’t get over that.

“We can stop,” Shane said, and I met his eyes again, but not before looking down to see…yeah, still fully hard, pressing up against the front of his pants. And he still looked like he meant it. Like we could stop, and he wouldn’t even get pissed at me for pushing this far.

I took a breath and shook my head, decisively this time. “No,” I said. “I don’t want to stop.”

My hands shook when I moved to touch him again, and this time, I went for it. I pressed my hand against the front of Shane’s pants, palming his cock through his jeans. He let out a surprised gasp, and pressed his head back into my pillows, eyes falling shut.

“Jake,” he half groaned, half whispered, but I didn’t think he was actually trying to say anything. Not to me, anyway. I don’t know, I just…I was fairly certain he wasn’t expecting me to answer.

I moved out from between his legs, lying back down next to him, moving in as close as I could. I pressed my hand harder against him, sliding my thumb up and over the head of his cock, and I got one hell of a shock when Shane let out another groan, and actually _reached out for me_ , wrapping an arm around my shoulders, and pulling me in tight. I could feel him panting against my ear, the side of my face and neck, and I really wasn’t expecting this to turn me on as much as it was. I mean, I was already hard—I had been most of the night—but I hadn’t expected actually doing this to have much of an effect on me, but I could feel myself actually getting _close_ just touching him. Having him grip me, like he was afraid I was _going_ somewhere, and can I just say; fat fucking chance, that was so not happening.

I moved my hand, rubbing against him, and it would have been so fucking easy to just…undo his belt and slip my hand inside, but I wasn’t quite ready to go there yet. I was going to, but I was…I was just working my way through this. I was making it up as I went, and if it wasn’t enough for Shane, he definitely wasn’t saying anything about it. His hips were thrusting against my hand, and he was alternating between licking the shell of my ear and my neck, and letting out these sharp _whimpers_.

I wasn’t even moving that much and I was out of breath. I hadn’t ever thought it would be like that. I hadn’t thought I’d enjoy actually touching him. I hadn’t thought anyone ever enjoyed giving. I thought it was just something you _did_ because you had to if you wanted to get anything in return.

I was a fucking idiot.

I gripped Shane through his jeans, squeezing and he let out another, almost pained whimper, nipping at my earlobe, and …that was why I went for more. Because of him. The way he was reacting. I wanted to see what I could do to him, and it was _me_. I was doing it. I was the reason he was chewing his lower lip…or my ear, and gasping like he’d never get enough air.

The thought had me dizzy. I mean, I was sure Shane had had more than just…this. I knew he had more experience than I did, it was what had me so nervous. I hadn’t thought I’d be able to do anything that would be enough for him, but I could. He was desperate with it. Just as desperate as I was, and he wasn’t doing a thing to hide it.

So, I took a breath, and I reached for his belt. I pulled the tine through the leather, trying to breathe, or even think over the pounding in my chest.

“Oh, God,” Shane croaked, and I looked up to see him staring up at the ceiling, biting his lower lip.

I was totally right there with him, I slid my hand into his jeans, under his boxers, and oh, God, I was actually enjoying it. My hips were thrusting up against him as I touched, stroked, and pulled, and I couldn’t stop it. I needed to stop it, because…embarrassing. I was pretty sure Shane was going to at least try and touch me, and I didn’t want to have to stop him, but God, I couldn’t help it.

I gripped Shane tighter, squeezing, sliding my thumb just under the head of his cock, because…well, I liked it. And Shane was…pretty vocal about how he felt about it, so I did it again. I thumbed over the slit in the head, and Shane whimpered, hips pulling back from me, and he wasn’t complaining, wasn’t asking me to stop, but I wasn’t sure that was a good thing, so I moved on. I gripped him tight at the base and pulled up long and slow, and…Christ, I had no clue what I was doing. I was winging it, just listening and watching. He was letting me lead, but I was following him, paying attention as best as I could to figure out what he liked, and hoping like hell, I got it right.

I did. Shane said my name when he came, softly before he choked on it, his entire body seizing up, strung tight. I froze when I felt him jerking in my hand, but only for a second, because…yeah, that’d suck. His entire body shook, arched off the bed in a pose that looked painful as I stroked him through it, and he just kept coming, _hot_ and wet against my hand until his body just…fell.

I pulled back while Shane was coming down and I had an awkward moment where I tried to figure out what to wipe my hand on, but I rolled my eyes at myself, and wiped it where I always did when it was my dick I’d just had my hand on. The sheets.

I turned to Shane, hesitating for a second as I watched him breathe, eyes closed, trying to relax before I moved in, pressed my lips to his shoulder.

Funny thing. Right then? I didn’t even care if he returned to favor. My cock ached where it pressed against the zipper of my jeans, but I didn’t really give a shit.

Yeah, I might be lying. But only slightly. I cared but I wasn’t in any hurry.

It didn’t take Shane long to get back with it though. He turned on me and didn’t even give me time to think before he was yanking my shirt up, forcing me to move so he could actually get it over my head.

And I was _gone_ , completely lost the second he touched me. It was quick. The first time he gave me a hand job—and I was so fucking glad I was going to get another—he’d gone so fucking _slow_ , but I could barely keep track of where his hands were this time. They were all over me, and my brain, like…fell out through my ears or something because I couldn’t think.

He had his lips on my neck, and then my chest, and holy mother of God; I really, really, like my nipples. Or maybe I just like his tongue on my nipples.

What. The fuck. Ever.

I could feel my stomach muscles twitching as he kissed his way down, tonguing over what muscle I had, and I barely registered the clinking of my belt as he opened it, nor the snick of my zipper being pulled down, and _yes_ , I was totally going to get another hand job.

Or…not.

I may have screamed. Possibly. Because, honestly, I thought getting a hand job was going to be the best thing ever to happen to me. Ever.

But Shane wrapped his hand around the base of my cock and fucking _licked_ the head, before sucking it into his mouth, and Jesus fucking Christ.

I was going to die. And I wasn’t even that upset about it.

“Is this alright?” Shane asked, pulling away. “I can…do you…”

I would have warned him. I was trying to find the words. But they wouldn’t come out, and I _came_.

Any other day, or minute, or maybe even second, I might have been mortified that Shane hadn’t moved far enough away to avoid being hit with my come—just in the chin, but _still_ — however, right then, I couldn’t fucking _think_ , much less panic. Besides, Shane didn’t look all that bothered.

I lay there gasping for long minutes, though I couldn’t tell you how many. I could hardly hear the sound of Shane panting next to me over the blood rushing in my ears, and I had an odd feeling like I was still turned on…or like I hadn’t completely come down yet. Like I couldn’t. My whole body was humming, my skin tingling all over, like when my leg wakes up after it’s fallen asleep…only everywhere.

I took a few deep, steadying breaths and laughed up at my ceiling, because all this? Wasn’t hard at all. Touching Shane wasn’t a chore. I couldn’t believe I’d been afraid to do it, and I was almost certain it was going to become my new favorite thing to do. In fact, I was fully ready to do it again. Like, soon.

Also, blow jobs? The best thing ever. I was totally ready to believe in like, a higher power or something. Because something like that doesn’t just exist.

Christ I had _sex_. Sort of. And it was awesome. I was awesome. The world was awesome.

Mostly, Shane was awesome.

“Are you alright?” he asked, and I jumped, jarred out of my thoughts. I grinned as I rolled onto my side to look at him. His lips were twitching up into a tentative smile, like he wasn’t sure I was laughing in a good way, or, in a hysterical way. And I felt so fucking good, I wasn’t even offended.

I snorted at his question, and leaned up to kiss him, just briefly before I shrugged and pulled back. “I don’t know,” I replied, and my cheeks were starting to hurt for all the smiling.

“Freaking out?” Shane asked, but not unkindly.

I shook my head. “Nope. I don’t think God hates me anymore either.”

Shane cocked his head to the side, staring at me with a bemused look on his face before his eyes widened and he started laughing.

“You are such a loser,” he said, pulling me in close. And…we were done, but I was glad for it. He stroked up and down my arm, and...it wasn’t because he was getting ready to go again—though I wasn’t going to complain if that was the plan—it was just…because. I liked it. I liked being close. It felt warm. Good.

“No,” I said, laying my head on his shoulder when he pushed his arm around me. “I’m awesome.”

Shane laughed, and it may have been my imagination, but I swore he sounded relieved. “Maybe a little awesome. But mostly you’re a loser.”

“Losers can’t be awesome,” I replied. “They also don’t get laid.”

Shane snorted, shaking his head at me, before leaning down to kiss my nose. It tickled and I twitched with it, but I fucking _liked_ this. I liked that he wasn’t running out, or pushing me away. I liked that we could just _stay_.

I kept waiting for the awkward to come and it…didn’t. We just laid there, silently, or we’d talk, and Shane would laugh at me, or with me, but either way it was never bad. I was never uncomfortable. It was kind of hard to be with Shane constantly stroking up my arm, or leaning in for kissing, or telling me ridiculous stories. I was…giddy. I felt like jump roping.

Or…you know…kick boxing.

Whatever.

And when Shane finally did really have to leave, I was okay. I mean, I wanted him to stay like I always did. I even tried to stall him like I always did. I walked him to the door, and kissed him in my living room without even checking around like a paranoid little freak. No one was home, but I still usually checked to make sure I was right about that.

“I’ll pick you up in the morning,” Shane told me, smirking as I tried to keep him from reaching the doorknob.

“I can’t go strawberry picking,” I told him. “Even Chloe will give me shit.”

“You don’t want to go?”

“Yes,” I snorted. “But if anyone asked, you have to tell them I said that.”

“Who’s going to ask?” Shane returned, cocking an eyebrow.

I shrugged. “I don’t know. But now you have an answer if they do.”

Shane rolled his eyes. “Freak.”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “Do you want to stay for dinner?”

I’d forgotten about the food, but I could smell it now that we were downstairs and…my stomach was bitching at me.

“Jake,” Shane complained, but he was smiling. “I have to go.”

“You don’t want to,” I replied, and I was totally sure of it. I didn’t even hesitate.

“No,” Shane agreed. “But I still have to be home, like…twenty minutes ago.”

“Oh,” I frowned, but Shane barely let it stick for a second before he was kissing it away, slipping his tongue into my mouth one last time before he left.

And…it sucked, just like always. But I was cool with it. I was good, but I was still a little overwhelmed and I could use the time to myself. Besides, I could almost still feel him. I was definitely still warm all over, and tight in the chest.

Awesome. The world was fucking awesome. I was totally ready to forgive it for being such a bitch to me.

I waited until Shane was in his car to shut my front door, and when I did, I didn’t move far. I turned around and leaned against it with a sigh. Actually, I felt like I was sighing every time I exhaled.

I wasn’t tense or anything. I didn’t have that overwhelmed energetic feeling I had the first time Shane had put his hand on my dick. It was different this time. I was just happy…and a little dizzy. I felt completely wrapped in something warm, like Shane was still there, and almost…sluggish. Pleasantly so, but still, I didn’t want to do much more than throw myself in bed, and replay the events of the night.

There was a knock at my door right as I was turning away to go upstairs, and I grinned, thinking it was Shane. But the doorknob turned before I could get my hand there, and Ryan walked in instead, and yeah, I’d known he was coming to get me for homework with Chlo, I’d just forgotten.

And what the hell had he been doing, watching my fucking house, waiting for Shane to leave?

Most disturbing thought _ever_.

I _know_ I said I’d make an effort to spend more time with my friends and less time obsessing, but give me a fucking break. I _was_ trying. I felt like I’d been spending more time with Ryan lately than anyone else, trying to make up for that shit with his mom. Besides, he and Chloe were like…whatever. I didn’t want to be around for whatever they were.

I was glad for them, but I could be glad from a distance. I’d known them both _forever_ and it was weird. I wondered if Ryan ever thought so.

He was my best friend, and any other time I’d have been happy to have him, but…I couldn’t think about the things I wanted to with him there. I couldn’t lay down either, and I’d just…forgotten he was coming.

Which is my only reason for greeting him the way I did.

“What?” I snapped, losing my grin the second he stepped into the house.

“Jesus,” Ry said, frowning. “What’s up your ass?”

I glared at him for a second, but I was actually in way too good a mood to keep it up for long. I sighed.

“Sorry,” I said. “I’m just…”

I don’t know where I was going with that. I think I was going to give him an excuse, but I didn’t really have a reason to be pissy. And when I thought of _why_ I didn’t have a reason to be pissy, biting my lip didn’t do a goddamn thing to stop the grin that spread across my face.

“O _kay_ ,” Ry said, eyes wide and brows raised, and he was careful when he sidestepped around me to get into the house, like he didn’t want to risk coming close to me. “I’m hungry.”

“Seriously?” I said, slamming the door and turning to gape at him. “You’re hungry?” I felt he could have at least made up a better excuse, considering he was totally killing my buzz, but…I took a breath when I remembered he didn’t know that. And I sure as hell wasn’t going to tell him.

“Yeah,” Ry said, moving toward the kitchen. “Starving. Your mom cooks for you. Have pity, and feed me. My dad made some weird thing and it smells alright, but there was rice, sliced cheese, and an entire jar of mayonnaise involved and I’m just not that adventurous.”

I followed him, sighing as he walked into the kitchen and right over to the stove, lifting the pot lid.

“Pot roast,” he said, sighing contentedly. “Awesome. And _this_ probably won’t poison me.”

He dug in without bothering to heat it up or get a fork, and it was about then that I remembered Ry was my best friend, and I grabbed a plate and the mashed potatoes and corn to make him a plate and warm it up for him. Besides, I was kind of hungry too, so after taking a minute to glare at Ry, I made myself a plate too.

“I knew you loved me,” Ry said, through a mouthful of half chewed meat. I rolled my eyes, as I punched in the time on the microwave.

“Shut up, or starve,” I threatened.

Ry swallowed his food and glared at me. “Jesus you need to get laid.”

And here’s what I meant when I said freaking out had only ever got me caught. In my defense, this time I wasn’t so much freaking out as much as I was… surprised, because Ry _said_ it and…it was just shocking because at least part of my mind had been stuck on ‘I totally just got laid’ since Shane left. It was _disturbing_ , okay. I can’t be blamed.

I choked when Ryan said that and started coughing up a lung. I waited until I caught my breath to ramble on about how he had no idea what he was talking about and oh, my god, could he tell? Because, my mom wasn’t going to be gone forever, and well…as much as I hated it, I’d much rather be having this conversation with Ry than my mom.

Ry’s eyes widened, and I wanted to go in the bathroom and drown myself. I really hoped the embarrassment would kill me, but nothing that good ever happens to me in times like these.

The kitchen was completely silent, and I just waited, watching him. I hadn’t _meant_ to tell him, but…I think part of me sort of wanted to. I spent the last year listening to Ry tell me stories about the girls he took out and I always just figured the second any of that shit happened to me, I’d run to him to tell him.

And yeah, it was different because _Shane_ was different. He…well, he had a dick, but still. Ry was my best friend, and…it’s not like I could take the words back. He’d been different lately and…if he was okay with me being gay, and _I_ was okay with it… I wanted him to know.

I cleared my throat and went to grab myself a bottle of water, and the movement was enough to snap Ry out of his shock, or whatever the fuck.

“Oh…” he said, staring with wide eyes. “I mean… _oh_. Wow. Seriously?” He shook his head, once, and then again, like he couldn’t clear it. “Gross.”

I glared at him.

“Not judging,” he said, lifting his hands. He let out a laugh and a sigh before going on. “It’s awesome. But gross. And…wow. You…” he sighed, and finally started laughing. I was torn between relief that he at least wasn’t freaking out about it, and humiliation because… _come on_.

This was _not_ how I’d wanted the rest of my night to go.

“Fuck off,” I muttered, dropping Ry’s plate on the counter, replacing it with mine in the microwave, before moving to the fridge. I grabbed Ryan a soda, mostly out of habit. I didn’t really think he deserved it.

“So what happened?” Ry asked, curiously just as I was taking a drink and I _spit_ my water out across my mother’s favorite area rug. It was water, not like it was going to stain, but that was so _not even the fucking point_.

I wanted to tell him something happened. I wanted him to know I’d done _something_. But I wasn’t about to give him details. That was _his_ thing, not mine.

And I couldn’t believe he was actually asking. I’d thought he’d be mad that I’d given him as much information as I already did, not ask for more.

“What?” I squeaked, staring at Ry. “ _No_. Just…eat the fucking food, and forget about it.”

“No way,” Ry said, and I was sure he meant to sound offended, but it didn’t work so well because he’d at least taken my advice about the food, and his mouth was full of it. “I told you all about it when I lost my virginity.”

I wondered if that’s what’d happened. I wondered if what Shane had done counted as losing my…

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, shaking my head to clear it of those thoughts. “I never _asked_ you to.”

“But I did,” Ry returned. “So…cough it up. Did it hurt? I bet it hurt.”

Oh, my God. I hated him. I really did.

“ _No_ ,” I said, my voice weak as I turned away. Blushing in front of asshole best friends is not allowed. “We didn’t do… _that_. It was just…” I sighed, closing my eyes. “Why do you want me to say anything at all? You just said you thought it was gross.”

“You having sex _is_ gross,” he said, and he looked serious. “I mean, really gross. Really, really, really…”

“I got it,” I snapped, braving another sip of my water, as I leaned against the kitchen counter.

“You should not be acting like such a dick if you just got laid,” Ry said, thoughtfully. “Maybe he didn’t do it right. Did you like it?”

“Oh, god,” I said, grimacing. “Stop.”

“Just tell me what you did,” Ry said. “You have to. Who else are you going to tell?”

“I’m not telling _you_ anymore. I just told you that so you couldn’t keep calling me a prude.” Okay, maybe that wasn’t exactly the reason, but I wasn’t going to give Ry any more reasons to call me a chick.

“I’m your best friend,” Ry said when I didn’t respond. “It’s rules, dude. It’s not like I’m going to tell anyone.”

I sighed. “Ry…”

“Are you okay?” he asked, frowning suddenly. “He didn’t…”

“I’m fine,” I cut him off before he could go on. “That’s not…it’s not him. I just can’t…” I sighed. “I don’t know why you care.”

“I told you _everything_ ,” Ry replied, eyes narrowing as he got angry. “I even told you about how I fucked it all up the first time and how I got scared when I saw her twat, and how I totally didn’t make her come, and…Jesus. I didn’t tell anyone that.”

I really wished he wasn’t telling me again. This wasn’t going at all like I’d thought I thought he’d get angry, but I expected it to be because he _didn’t_ want to know.

“You really don’t want to tell me anything?”

I sighed. “Ry,” I said, shrugging and giving him my best apologetic look. “Why aren’t you freaking out?”

Ry shrugged; face smoothing out so he at least wasn’t glaring at me anymore. “I don’t want you to go into detail or anything, but you’re supposed to…I mean, I told _you_.”

“And I told _you_ ,” I pointed out, and it was true. In a way. I hadn’t meant to at first but, I told him. I felt _accomplished_. “I just don’t know what you want.”

“Did you like it?” he asked again, and I guessed that wasn’t such a hard question. I knew the answer at least, and my biggest problem with the conversation was that I kept expecting Ryan to turn around and start being weird around me again. Like…I don’t know. He acted like he was okay knowing I was gay, but I wasn’t sure he’d be okay knowing I’d…

Whatever. He was obviously okay.

So, I shrugged, sighing, thinking for a moment, before I settled on saying, “It was…good.” I didn’t really need to think about it. It wasn’t just good, it was ten different levels of fucking _awesome_ , but I didn’t want to sound…over excited or anything.

But maybe I should have gone with ‘fucking awesome’ because Ry cracked up. “Duh. Stupid. It’s sex. Of course it was good.”

“We didn’t have sex,” I blurted out, my face burning with a blush. “We did…other stuff.”

“Other stuff?” Ry smirked, and it so wasn’t fair. I didn’t give him any kind of shit when he came over all freaked out after he had sex. I even let him sleep in my fucking bed. And I shared my pillows. Fucker did not deserve it.

“Yeah,” I said defiantly. “Other stuff.” I could have said blowjob. Ry and I used to talk about what it’d be like to get one, and I wasn’t about to go all shy, but…it didn’t sound right. It sounded…tacky.

“Oh, god, I’m a girl.”

“No way,” Ry said seriously, and I couldn’t believe he was disagreeing. I raised a questioning eyebrow and he smirked again. “Girls can’t get blowjobs, Jake.”

“I really hate you,” I said, shaking my head.

And, later, after I had time to actually think, I was going to be proud of myself for how well I was handling this. Right then, I mostly wondered if I could get away with punching Ry and convincing _him_ he fell in the kitchen before he could do anything back.

“I hate _you_ ,” Ry shot back. “Seriously, you’ve known Shane, what? A couple months. I’ve known Chloe forever and all I’ve gotten is _one_ , yeah just one, kiss. Fuck that. There’s obviously something wrong with the world.”

“You kissed Chloe?” I asked, eyes widening. And he’d been pissed at me for not telling him? Ha.

“Yeah,” Ry said with a sigh. If he ever tried to bring this conversation up again, I was going to use the happy way he was smiling and staring off into space and _that_ sigh to get back at him. Because he is an ass, and I knew he’d be bringing it up.

“So, what’s the hold up,” I asked, twisting the top back onto my bottle of water, after taking another sip. “Doesn’t usually take you this long.”

Ry glared at me, and punched me. Hard. I was _kidding_. Jesus. It wasn’t as if Ry was really some kind of man whore, and I knew that. He dated half the female population of our school…and maybe surrounding schools, and he wasn’t a virgin but it’s not like he got them all in to bed. It was a _joke_.

“She’s…Chloe. I feel like I have to treat her a certain way. I can’t…” Ry closed his eyes and took a breath. “You remember how I was with Eve? Like, how I was always copping a feel, reaching up her skirt during lunch and shit?”

“Uhm, no,” I said, more than a little disturbed at the visual. “I never saw anything like that. And I’m glad.”

“Shut up,” he said, waving me off, sloshing soda down his arm as he jerked the bottle around. “I just mean…I feel like I have to be better with Chlo. I can’t do shit like that with her. She’s…I don’t know. I think I’d have to kick my own ass if I tried.”

“You realize you’re not making any kind of sense, right?”

Ryan glared at me. “Whatever,” he said. “You changed the subject anyway.”

“Huh?” I asked, but playing stupid wasn’t going to work.

Ry shook his head, taking a drink of his water before responding. “You were telling me about all the dirty gay sex you were having.”

“Jesus, Ry,” I said, because…well, _Jesus_. “Shut up.”

“No,” Ry said, regaining his smirk. He set his bottle down on the counter, grabbing his plate to toss it into the trash. “I don’t want details, but _seriously_ , Jakey. Shane. A guy. _Still_ , not being an ass, I swear, but I… can’t believe you went through with it. I would have bet you’d pussy out if he ever tried going near your dick.”

I almost told him I’d already gotten a hand job before, but I didn’t. I cringed and walked around the kitchen table toward the living room. It was best to walk away. Partly because Ry couldn’t see me blushing that way, and partly was because…I was _so_ done having this conversation with him.

Ry followed me though, laughing while he talked and joked and basically did everything he could to make my life hard. And…humiliating.

“You got your dick sucked…by a dude. A guy sucked your dick,” he was saying as we made our way toward the stairs. He kept repeating it, in every way he could, ordering the words different, inflection changing every time. I wanted to hit him.

And then I did.

“ _Ow_ , asshole. It’s just… I can’t get over it. Shane made you a man,” Ry went on, laughing. “He blew you, dude. _Shane_ gave you…”

Ry was cut off by the sound of a laundry basket falling near the stairs. Ry laughed like he thought I’d actually tried to throw something at him. I almost laughed too, watching laundry scatter while the basket hit the floor. It sounded kind of like a shoe dropping.

I didn’t laugh, though. Not really. Not even close.

I swallowed sand, and didn’t even bother looking up from my mismatched socks on the floor when I croaked, “Mom.”


	18. Chapter 18

I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move. I swear to fucking God, my heart shuddered to a painful _stop_ in my chest. The muscles in my entire body, literally from my temples to toes tensed tight and I wanted to run.

It was like breathing through a very narrow straw. Or maybe it was like all the walls in the room were caving in. Like…I was getting air, but no matter how much I pulled in, it was never enough, and my chest started to hurt. I could hear Ryan’s voice but I couldn’t make out the words over the blood rushing by my ears. And the room got blurry…but not because I was crying. I wasn’t crying.

Not at all.

I was frozen. I couldn’t fucking move, even with Ryan pulling on my arm, trying to get me to follow him. I just stood there, staring at my mother, while she stood gaping right back at me.

She didn’t look sick. She didn’t look angry. She wasn’t screaming at me, or threatening me with any of the usual punishments. I could have dealt with that. I knew how to respond to that. I’d even given some thought to what I’d say if it ever came to this and she was angry. But…she wasn’t any of those things.

She looked broken.

When I was younger, and I got the chicken pox, my mom put me out on the sofa in front of the television every night. She set everything up so I could switch back and forth between my favorite shows and broke out the old baby monitor just in case I needed something, and about half way through the night, there was an earth quake. It wasn’t bad or anything. There was no broken glass and nothing fell, but I was horrified and my mother came out to grab me and pull me into the doorway. She sat with me, and rocked me through it and right then, my mom was pretty much superwoman as far as I was concerned. And yeah, I was older now and I knew that my mom wasn’t actually superhuman, but still…I kind of still thought of her like that.

But I broke her.

“M-mom,” I croaked, stuttering out a short breath, and when I next inhaled all the air filling my lungs was enough to make me dizzy. “Mom…”

She blinked, her mouth snapping shut. I hadn’t even realized it had dropped open until then. She stared at me for a second longer before she just…turned away. She knelt down and started picking up the clothes on the floor.

“Mom,” I repeated, and I couldn’t have cared any less about the way my voice trembled, and went up at the end, frantic. I wasn’t reading _any_ of this. This wasn’t what was supposed to happen. This wasn’t my worst case scenario. This wasn’t anything I understood. And yes, I was fully panicking.

“Mom, he didn’t mean…it wasn’t…” My cheeks and ears burned and my mouth wasn’t working, but I had to keep trying. I had to do something. “Mom…”

She didn’t say anything. She didn’t even react. Just went about her business, picking up the clothes, and putting them back into the basket.

“Jake,” Ryan whispered, though it was pointless with my mom so close by. I had no doubt she could hear every word. “Come on. We should…come on, Jake.” He was tugging at my arm again, but this time I moved to follow him. Not because I really wanted to leave, I don’t think. I just…I don’t know. My mom wouldn’t look at me. She wouldn’t answer me and I just thought…there was no way she’d let me walk out. I was in _trouble_. She had to…yell at me, or…something. And it was past my curfew anyway. I was sure she wouldn’t let me walk out the door.

Except…she did. We stepped closer and closer to the front door, and she just picked up one article of clothing after the next and didn’t even glance in my direction. I slowed my pace; fighting against Ryan, who already had the door open and one foot out, but Mom…she didn’t say a fucking word. She didn’t even look up. Socks. T-shirts. Shorts. In the basket. And nothing else.

Ry was tugging more insistently on my arm, forcing me to follow him out the door…away from my mom, and I just couldn’t….I couldn’t just fucking leave. She was my fucking mother and she could be mad, and she could yell…she could do whatever the fuck she wanted to, I just needed her to _look_ at me.

“Mom!” I shouted ripping out of Ryan’s grasp. “ _Please…_ ”

I moved to kneel in front of her. “Please,” I repeated.

Not a fucking word. She stood up, and looked right through me, and I _wasn’t fucking crying_ , but I couldn’t deal with this. I didn’t know how. This was new and _wrong_ , all wrong. My mother was leaving. She’d grabbed her basket and she was making her way to the stairs, and I moved to follow her, ready to grab her and _make_ her listen, because if I could just…explain, it would be okay. I just needed to explain, but she wouldn’t…she just wouldn’t.

I reached out to grab hold of the basket to…to just stop her, but Ryan got to me first, gripping my arm so tight it almost hurt and hauling me back to the door. And once we were out, he slammed the door before I could go running back in. It was Ryan, not my mother that shut the door to my own house in my face and I _knew_ that, I really did, but…I don’t know.

“I can’t just leave,” I croaked, struggling even as he dragged me down the path toward the driveway. “I have to…I can’t just leave, Ryan, where else am I supposed to go?”

“I don’t know,” Ryan said, forcing me into the car, and into my seatbelt. I wasn’t really putting up as much of a fight as I could have but…I couldn’t fucking breathe and everything was happening so goddamn fast and I just….I needed to…

“Stop, Ryan, I can’t fucking leave!”

“Yes, you can,” he replied, and he wasn’t looking at me either.

“I have to go back. She’s…she’s just mad, and if I can talk to her, I can tell her…”

“Tell her what?” Ryan snapped, slamming my door shut and really _he_ wasn’t the one with a reason to be mad. He just….I mean, I knew it was an accident, but this whole thing was _his_ fault, so why was _he_ yelling?

“Ry…” I said when he climbed into the car on his side.

“No, what are you going to tell her, Jake?” he pressed, starting the car. “You gonna go in and tell her I was just fucking with you? That we were just bullshitting? Not gonna work. You’re fucking _crying_ , dude. She’s not going to buy it. She’s being a fucking _twat_ and we are _leaving_ until we can figure out what to do. ”

I shook my head. I heard every word he said, and none of it was really flying with me.

“She’s my mom,” I said. “I just…I’ll talk to her and…I’ll be in trouble but it’ll be fine. She’s my mom.”

“What the fuck ever,” Ry shot back. “She wasn’t acting like it. She was acting like you weren’t anything.”

And really, that was right at the top of the list for things I really did _not_ need to hear.

“Like _you_ were any better?” I snapped, and let out a derisive snort, pulling off my seatbelt, even though the car was already moving and getting out would probably be one of my not so smart ideas.

“I got over it,” he said, softer, and not just a little guilty. “And I at least talked to you. I…fucked up, but I didn’t fucking act like you didn’t exist.”

“ _You_ wouldn’t look at me either.” I sighed, shaking my head. This wasn’t going down. It was going to be okay. Ryan was there still and he’d been just as bad. “She was just…shocked. She…I can talk to her, she just needs—,”

“Time?” Ry cut me off cold. “Good. She’ll get it. Now shut the fuck up and put your seatbelt back on. I’m not taking you back. You can chill at mine tonight. Just until she cools down.”

But really…mom had seemed perfectly cool to me. She was _too_ cool. That was the problem. She wasn’t angry or disappointed or anything I was even remotely familiar with her being. She was _cold_. She checked out on me completely.

“And,” Ryan added, taking a breath. “We’re definitely not going back until after your dad has had a chance to…I don’t know.”

Christ I’d completely forgotten about my dad. It’d be too much to hope that my mom wouldn’t tell him, and I was sure that no matter how badly my mom was taking it, he was going to be so much worse.

It was easy to forget sometimes, that Ryan had been there for so much. That he knew my parents too. And yeah, maybe he was right. Going home wasn’t the smartest of ideas right now.

“Where are we going?” I asked when Ry took a turn down a street I knew but had never really had a reason to go down before.

“I don’t know,” Ry replied shortly.

“Well, what’s the plan, are we just…driving?”

“I don’t know, Jake.”

“Are we—,”

“ _I don’t fucking know, Jake!_ ” he yelled, slamming his fist against the steering wheel. I jumped when the car horn rang out loud throughout the neighborhood. He clenched his jaw tight and pulled the car over, jerking me in my seat as he did so.

“Ryan…” I said, careful and hesitant and no, I’ve never really been scared of Ry. He was my best friend and I grew up learning his strengths and wrestling with him or whatever, but even I knew when it was time to back off.

But really…why the fuck was _he_ falling apart. It was…I felt entitled. This was _my_ life falling apart not his and it was _my time_ to fucking freak out.

“Fuck,” Ryan muttered, closing his eyes and taking a breath before turning to look at me. “Fuck, Jake, I’m sorry. I’m…really fucking sorry. And I’ll figure something out, but you need to…I’m sorry, bro, but you need to shut the _fuck_ up and give me a second to think.”

He was breathing heavily, and looking straight ahead, like he couldn’t really meet my eyes. But not in the way he’d done when he was pissed at me. It was more like he was pissed at himself.

So, I nodded once and sat back in my seat, buckling my seatbelt once more. Ry spared a second to shoot me a grateful look before he was pulling back onto the road.

He just drove. I wasn’t sure where he was going and I didn’t ask. I just sat there, my face stinging as the cold air from my open window hit my face, watching the lights and street signs and buildings and shit go by in a blur. My shoulders started to ache from how tense I was. I felt like I was still waiting, and I think I was. It didn’t matter how long I was gone, I’d have to go home eventually. And I’d have to deal with it.

Unless I couldn’t go home.

…And that was a train of thought I just couldn’t get on. There was no way I’d be able to think about it without getting sick. My mind was racing and I tried turning on the music, but it was more a distraction than anything. Instead of helping to block my panicked thoughts, it confused everything and I couldn’t deal. So I turned it off and was left with nothing but silence.

And somehow, it fucking helped. Not at first. I worked myself up and started hyperventilating trying to figure out what to do, but the more I thought about it—no matter how I spun it, there just…wasn’t anything. I couldn’t fix this. And then, after somewhere around an hour of driving with absolutely no destination, I thought…maybe I don’t even want to. Maybe, I just want to be done.

I don’t know what it was but something about being in that car, in the complete silence, calmed me. I think I’m always trying to run away from what I’m thinking. With everything, not just Shane. Not just…my secret. Literally everything from a test that I’m stressing about passing or…the end of my fucking life as I know it. I was always trying to ignore all of my issues. Always so determined to drown out all my thoughts in whatever noise I could find and maybe… maybe that wasn’t the best way to deal with anything.

I had time to think now though, and as soon as the thought entered my mind— _maybe I could just be finished_ —something just fucking _cleared_ and I could breathe. I stopped shaking. I relaxed. I was still terrified, but it wasn’t the same. There was something else there. Something like anticipation.

“I think I’m gonna go back, Jake,” Ryan said when we finally came to a stop. “I can talk to them for you. Tell your mom it was just a joke. Maybe I was wrong. Maybe, if you’re not there, I can convince her.”

I shook my head, staring out at one of those tiny trees the city plants along the sidewalks. .

“It’s not going to make a difference,” I said, and my voice sounded way too far away to be coming from me.

I wasn’t actually sure that was true, but it didn’t matter. I didn’t want him to take it back. I was horrified. And not in the way people usually say they’re horrified, and they don’t really mean it. I was really piss in my pants, ‘oh my god, I probably should have brought an extra pair’ terrified. But I was almost…curious, I guess. I could take it back before it was too late, or I could ride it out and see if maybe Ryan wasn’t just a fluke. Maybe…it could really be okay. And having this happen was the only way I’d really know for sure.

It was just…so tiring being scared all the time. At least this way, if it got bad…really bad, I could just deal with it and I wouldn’t have to stress myself out being worried about it. I was terrified right then, but it couldn’t be worse than being scared for _ever_. I could do this and once it was over… I could just let it go finally. It happened. That’s it. The end.

Or something.

Ryan... Ryan had been almost as bad as my dad, and he turned out okay. Maybe…

Maybe.

I was trying to hold on to that.

“They’ll believe me, Jake,” Ryan said, and it was almost funny, the way he was trying to convince me when he clearly didn’t believe it himself. He said as much earlier.

I felt… almost resigned to just take whatever was coming and finally be able to move on, but Ryan looked about ready to completely lose his shit. “I joke like that all the time,” he went on, clutching the steering wheel, knuckles white. “And you don’t even have to come with me. You can stay here and wait.”

I swear, we’d been sitting in his parked car a good fifteen minutes and it wasn’t until right then when he brought it up, that I finally looked around to see where the fuck ‘here’ was.

And holy shit. “ _You_ brought me to Shane’s? Like, without being told?”

Ry jerked his head to glare at me. Because, apparently my crisis was totally not enough to keep him off my ass for awhile.

“Shut the fuck up,” he snapped. “ _I_ don’t like him, but you do and I didn’t know where else you’d want to go, and I was panicking.”

I snorted, and I couldn’t tell you who was more shocked that I was laughing, me or Ryan. And I couldn’t stop. I laughed until my eyes watered and I wasn’t even really all that sure what was funny but I kept laughing. I laughed until my cheeks hurt and my stomach muscles protested and then I laughed more.

“Dude,” Ryan said, looking around like he was hoping someone might come out and direct him to the nearest mental institute. “What the fuck are you laughing about? I’m really not seeing the funny here?”

“You…” I choked and took a deep breath before trying again, shoulders still shaking with laughter. “ _You’re_ panicking?” I asked, incredulous. “ _You_?”

I wasn’t sure why it was funny, but I couldn’t stop. Maybe because Ry’s usually the one to keep his cool, while I freak out about the small things, and now when it was actually something substantial, _I_ was the one keeping calm, while he panicked.

And it wasn’t even about him.

I cracked up just a little bit more.

“Right,” Ry said, over my laughter when it didn’t look like I was going to stop anytime soon. He opened his door. “I’m just gonna go knock. Get your boy out here.”

“No,” I gasped, coughing now. “I don’t want you to talk to my parents.”

He slammed his door back into place before snapping, “Then what the fuck _do_ I do?”

That shut me up. I don’t think I’ve ever stopped laughing so quickly before. Usually it slowly tapers off, but I stopped cold when he yelled, slamming his hands down on the steering wheel.

“I’m sorry,” he said, immediately, looking genuinely contrite. “I’m just…I got nothing here, Jake. You’ve got to tell me what you need me to do, because…I don’t know. I know what to do if Shane ever slips up, and I know what to do when Chlo’s pissed, and I know what to do when you get into shit at school, but I have nothing right now. I’m fucking lost so you need to tell me what I’m supposed to _do_.”

For a minute, I just stared at him in shock. He wasn’t kidding when he said he was panicking. He wasn’t even exaggerating a little. I could see him so tense he was nearly shaking with it, and his face was so fucking pale he looked about ready to be sick, and I didn’t _get it_.

“I’m really fucking sorry,” Ry said. “I didn’t know she was home. Her car wasn’t there and…I know your dad…Jesus, Jake, I’m really sorry. Just tell me what you want me to do, and it’ll be done.”

I briefly thought about telling him it wasn’t his fault, but I figured it wouldn’t matter if I said it. I settled for reaching over, and resting a hand on his shoulder, giving it a squeeze. He relaxed a little. Not much.

I sighed, letting my hand fall back to my side. “Can we just… I wanna keep driving,” I said and I was just full of fucking surprises this night. “Just for a little while longer. I don’t wanna be _anywhere_. I just…wanna keep riding.”

We were going to have to get gas, and I knew how much Ryan hated wasting it, but he had _offered_ and I just didn’t care. I’d pay him back.

Except… Ryan didn’t seem bothered at all. Actually he looked slightly mollified at having _something_ to do and nodded, turning his key in the ignition once more. “Yeah,” he said softly, biting his lip. “I can do that.”

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It wasn’t until after the first time we stopped for gas that I started crying again. Really crying. Heaving breaths, full bodied sobbing and all. I started and I couldn’t really stop. And the thing is, I don’t even really know why. There was so much. I couldn’t pick out one specific reason and I wasn’t really all that interested in trying.

“Christ, Jake,” Ryan whispered when the sobbing got to be too much to ignore and pulled the car over.

He stared at me for long moments while I wiped at my face until my cheeks felt raw and irritated. It didn’t matter how much I dragged my sleeve across my eyes, the tears just kept coming. I couldn’t stop.

I hadn’t changed my mind. I still fully intended to ride it out. It was…I was just done with this. It was too much. All of it, and maybe that’s why I was crying like a little bitch. It was a fucking lot to deal with.

Ryan sighed and reached across the front seat to fist a hand in the back of my shirt to drag me forward. “We’re going to have to play so much football when this is done. Or…boxing. We could try boxing.”

I wasn’t hearing him. And…even if the words made any sense at all to me, I was done talking for the night.

“If you tell anyone about this…” he let it hang.

And he held on until I could finally stop hiccupping.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I didn’t notice Ryan was taking me back toward my house until we turned onto my street. And if I had any energy at all, I might have panicked, even when he did make it a point to pull into Chloe’s driveway instead of parking on the side of the road. He’d been talking to me pretty much non-stop since I stopped the waterworks, but I wasn’t taking anything in. In fact, he probably _told_ me where were going for all I was paying attention.

When the door opened at Chloe’s, we didn’t even have time to get a good look at who was answering before a cell phone came flying through the doorway to hit Ryan right in the chin. Really, I’m just glad it wasn’t me because…well ouch, for one thing. Also harsh. And _insane_.

“Jesus, Chlo, what the fuck?” Ryan said rubbing at his mouth.

Chloe didn’t look the least bit apologetic. “I figured I should give you mine. Since neither of you guys know how to answer your own.”

Uhm…I didn’t even have my cell phone. Whatever. Besides which, the one she just threw was in three pieces on the ground now, but I’m pretty sure that wasn’t the point.

Ry just looked at her like she was crazy. I could not blame him. Girls, dude. Girls.

“Your dad came over,” Chloe said turning her glare on me, and for the first time in hours, I felt my heart start to race in my chest. “He looked…I don’t know. He talked to my mom. I’ve lived across the street from you, like, my entire life and your dad has never come over here. I thought you were dead.”

“You’re really way more dramatic than I thought you were,” Ryan commented absently as he bent down to pick up the pieces of her phone.

Chloe narrowed her eyes on him. “I’m not actually afraid to hit you,” she replied.

He rolled his eyes. “And I have the bruises to prove it.” He turned his head and whispered loudly, “she’s fucking abusive, dude.”

I didn’t laugh. I was still totally nonresponsive and yeah, I was totally aware that I was freaking everyone out, which probably wasn’t fair considering I wasn’t doing _that_ bad. I just…wasn’t doing great either. I was _exhausted_ and I didn’t feel like talking. So, I didn’t.

Chloe actually stomped a foot on the ground. “Will someone please tell me what the fuck is going on?”

“Let’s just… go inside,” Ryan put in and no. Not happening. Chloe wasn’t moving.

She sighed, all put upon, but I was not interested. I really didn’t care how out of the loop she felt right then. I shook my head, glancing over my shoulder at my house. The lights weren’t even on.

I wasn’t going home.

It hadn’t occurred to me until right then. I mean, I didn’t even _want_ to go home yet. It wasn’t the time, especially not if my dad knew, but they weren’t even waiting up.

I took a deep breath. The weird Zen thing I had going on? It wasn’t going to survive too much more of this.

“What _the fuck_ is going on?” Chloe repeated, voice getting louder with every word.

“Chloe,” Ryan snapped, and I actually jumped at how loud he was. So did Chloe. “Can we please just come inside?”

She pushed her door open wider to allow us in and as soon as the door was shut behind us she turned to look at us expectantly. Her parents weren’t around. I didn’t know if they were sleeping or gone or whatever and I didn’t know if I even cared if they heard but there was no one around except us.

I still couldn’t actually bring myself to tell her. I didn’t want to talk about it. I didn’t even really want to think about it. I was exhausted and all I wanted was to curl up on a couch somewhere and pass out. I didn’t have to deal with anything if I was sleeping and I was all for taking advantage of the fact that I was too tired to toss and turn and over think everything to the end of the universe and back.

I looked at her, shook my head, and walked right past her toward her room. She’s usually so good at figuring out when to back off, and I loved her, I really did, but I wished she’d take a fucking hint right then.

Neither she nor Ryan followed me. Good. He could tell her. I really didn’t give a fuck.

I’d barely made it up the stairs when I heard Chloe thundering up behind me. For someone so tiny, she had really heavy footsteps.

“Jake,” she said as she approached, features tight, eyebrows furrowed, and remorse shining clear in her eyes. She didn’t say sorry though.

She fucking attacked. Threw all her body weight into hugging me. And judging by the look on Chloe’s face, it was probably an asshole move on my part, but the best I could offer was an awkward pat on the back before grabbing her arms to untangle myself.

Ry stepped up behind her, shaking his head, and I’m pretty sure that if it had been any other day he would have been laughing, but it wasn’t. And he didn’t laugh.

I turned back toward Chloe’s room without saying a word to either of them. I just wanted to _rest_. It was early, but I was so fucking tired I felt ready to fall asleep on my feet, and honestly, Chloe’s beanbags had so much more potential.

But I opened Chloe’s door to yet another surprise, and wondered vaguely whether or not it was feasible for someone my age, fully healthy and athletic even, to die of a heart attack.

“Chloe?” Ry said, shooting her a glare as he threw his hands in the air. “What the fuck?”

“I thought he could help,” she snapped back, shrugging, unapologetic. “I couldn’t fucking find you guys and I was worried.”

Shane stood there, ignoring both Chloe and Ryan as he looked to me to decide whether I wanted him there or not. And the thing is, before I saw him—before he was standing right in front of me—I would have told anyone that asked that I didn’t want him there. I didn’t want to talk about it. Even if there was a way to fix it. I didn’t even want to think about it, but…he looked warm and worried and fuck if I gave a shit that Ryan and Chlo were _right there_ , I just wanted him close.

“Hey,” I said, so softly it should have been impossible for him to have heard me over the cat fight Ry and Chlo were having, but they shut up immediately, whipping around to look at me. And yeah, maybe I’d been somewhat catatonic, but seriously, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

“Hey,” Shane replied, before striding across the room to stand in front of me. He lifted his hand, like he was going to reach for me, but he dropped it again before it even came close.

I couldn’t really say whether it was the fact that I had way too much on my mind already to give a shit, or because everyone knew already and it just didn’t matter anymore, or maybe I was just tired.

But it didn’t really matter why. The point was that I really _didn’t_ give a shit anymore, at least not right then, and I reached out, gripping his wrist and tugging as I walked passed hoping he’d get the hint and follow.

He always was smart. I moved to sit down on my favorite bean bag, and Shane slid down to sit right next to me, and I was sure that Ryan probably had some kind of reaction to that, but I just did not give a fuck.

Shane lifted his arm to sling it around my shoulders, pulling me closer, and I took a breath, sighing at the way the remaining chaos inside my chest or stomach or wherever the fuck just…settled down and the sharp ache behind my eyes subsided until I could barely feel it.

“God, you are such a douche,” I heard Ry say from across the room, and I opened my eyes just in time to see Chloe smack the hell out of him.

At first, I thought he was talking about me. He’d been trying to get me to talk since we’d left Shane’s and I thought he might be… I don’t know, pissed that I’d decided to actually say something to Shane and not him or Chloe, but that was stupid.

Ryan wasn’t stupid.

“Uhm, ow? Psycho,” Ryan said, giving her his best ‘what the fuck’ look. “He is a douche. All that glaring is unnecessary, it’s not like I was going to say anything.” Chloe continued to stare at him, and Ry actually fucking wilted under it before clenching his jaw and turning to Shane. “Sorry,” he said, stiffly.

“It’s cool,” Shane said, barely above a whisper. “Me too.” His fingers tightened where they rested against my shoulder, almost like he was hugging me from the side and I yawned letting my eyes drift shut again.

Only to open them again when Chloe cleared her throat. “We’re just gonna go…be somewhere else,” she said, reaching for Ry’s arm to give it a tug, before turning to grab her door handle.

“Wait,” I said, wincing at the way my voice cracked. Chloe turned back around to look at me, and just…stood there, ready to run and get me whatever I needed.

Which is why I said, “You can stay.” Because my friends are kind of awesome, and I really didn’t want them to leave. I had no desire to really curl up in their arms or whatever I was doing with Shane but I didn’t want them to go. I wanted them close. They were what I had. They knew and they still wanted me to stick around.

I wanted them to stick around too.

“Are you sure?” Ryan asked, arms folded across his chest.

I nodded. “If you want,” I said, mostly because I remembered that the world doesn’t actually revolve around me and they may have just been leaving to be…alone.

God, that was never going to stop being weird.

Chloe about raced across the room to sit in front of me and she actually grabbed one of my hands and pulled it into her lap as soon as she sat down, like she’d wanted to do it since I got there, and she was just waiting for my permission.

I totally didn’t give her permission, but whatever. I didn’t mind that much.

Ryan took his time moving across the room, and he hovered, like he didn’t really know where he belonged. And I would have laughed at the look on his face any other day. I almost did laugh when he sighed and rolled his eyes at himself before sliding down the wall to sit on my other side, glaring at both Shane and Chloe, before looking at me.

“I’m not going to hold your hand or anything,” he stated, decisively. “I’m just…here. Whatever.”

And then everyone just sat there. It was a little awkward for me at first. It was like they were all there for _me_ and I felt a little…pressured. Like they were all waiting for me to break down, or talk or something, but…it wasn’t like that.

It was nice. As far as I knew, these people were all I had. It was…safe there. It felt that way, at least.

Not even a minute passed before Ryan was tapping out the beat to some song on the hardwood floors, and I wasn’t sure if it was for my benefit or his, but I was grateful nonetheless. I got the feeling that it was annoying Shane, but he didn’t say anything. I _knew_ it was annoying Chloe, but she squeezed my hand a little tighter and dealt with it.

And I…I _relaxed_. I sank back into the bean bag, let myself lean on Shane, and just let myself breathe, following the beat of Ryan’s fingers tapping the ground.

“I don’t think I can go home,” I said, to no one in particular. Shane tensed up beside me, and Ryan’s fingers stopped momentarily. I don’t think anyone was even breathing.

Except me. I was…okay. But it needed to be said, because as cool as Chloe’s mom was, there was no way in hell she was letting three boys stay the night in the house, much less Chloe’s room.

“Jake…” Shane said, shifting on the ground to look at me. “Did…your parents…do they…” he sighed, visibly struggling to figure out a way to word whatever he was going to say. He looked between Ryan and Chloe, and lowered his voice, like it would matter and asked, “Is it your parents?”

I raised an eyebrow. “Yeah,” I said, frowning. Mostly because it had completely slipped my mind that Shane didn’t know what was going on.

Shane bit his lip and nodded, letting his arm slip from my shoulders, and I objected immediately. In my head. Really, I just frowned some more. It was my thing for the night.

Shane swallowed. “Did you…did you try talking to them?”

He looked nervous, shoulders pulled up against his neck, muscles straining. He was even twiddling his fucking thumbs. Like…literally. And I had no idea why.

I sighed and dropped my head back against the wall behind me, closing my eyes against the pain when my head hit.

“I tried,” I said, simply. I leaned in closer to him, hoping he’d use his brains to take a hint but he didn’t.

“What do you mean? What happened?” he went on. And yeah, he was kind of out of the loop, but I wasn’t in the mood to relive the whole thing. But Shane was fidgeting and biting his lip and…I could give him the short version. I just needed a minute.

“Jake…” Shane said with a sigh, when I didn’t respond right away, and I opened my mouth to just throw it all out there, but Ryan beat me to the punch.

“Dude, will you shut the _fuck_ up? He doesn’t wanna talk about it.”

And okay, not exactly what I was going to say, not even close. I wasn’t expecting that. I was used to Ryan sticking up for me. That wasn’t new. I just wasn’t use to it happening when I didn’t really need it. I appreciated the sentiment but…I was good right then, and I really didn’t need Shane and Ryan getting into it.

“Ryan?” I asked, but his attention was fully on Shane.

I turned to Shane, but he was glaring right back and not helping at all.

“I just wanted to know what…” Shane started but Ryan cut him off clean.

“No one gives a shit what _you_ want,” he said, and I wondered if this was even about me. Neither of them was listening to what _I_ might have to say about any of it.

I opened my mouth to tell them both to shut the fuck up, but it didn’t really work out quite like I planned.

“I can’t go home,” I said, and frowned at myself. I hadn’t even been thinking about that. In any case, it worked and both of them shut up and turned to look at me.

I bit my lip and turned to Shane. I didn’t want to talk about it, but he still looked fucking _wrecked_ and I didn’t know why. I wanted to give him something. Anything to make him stop looking at me like that.

“My mom,” I started and immediately stopped, choking on that familiar lump in my throat. I kept thinking that I was over it. At least, over it enough to stop crying like a little bitch baby. I kept talking myself up, and telling myself that it wasn’t as bad as I thought and I even _believed_ it but that didn’t stop my eyes welling up every time I thought of my mom.

I cleared my throat, closed my eyes and started again.

“She’s not...she’s not okay,” I said, which wasn’t the whole story, or really _any_ of the story, but it was the best I could do at the moment. “She’s not talking to me. She’s…not looking at me.”

The plan had been to tell him that she wasn’t talking to me and that she was going to tell my dad. And leave it at that. That was enough of a reason to not go home, but I was really less worried about how my dad was going to react and more worried about the way my mom already had. I could deal with the silence. I could have dealt with yelling.

But she just…blanked me. She wasn’t sad, or hurt, or angry or anything. She gave me…nothing. I had nothing to go on and I was scared, no matter how much I tried to talk myself out of it, which was a new thing for me entirely. Usually I’m my own worst enemy. I’m always working myself up, making everything worse than it really was, but not this time. I was actually making an effort to stay cool about this. And…

She just…she wasn’t looking at me. Like I didn’t even exist. And I was fucking _scared_.

I took another deep breath and literally tried to shake it off with a shrug.

I swallowed passed the lump in my throat once more and exhaled. “I just can’t go home tonight.”

“You can crash at mine,” Ryan spoke up, finally leaving off glaring at Shane.

“Or,” Shane put in softly, eyes boring into mine. “Or, you could crash at mine. If you want.”

Well…fuck. I was pretty sure he wasn’t trying to proposition me in front of my friends. I was positive he was doing exactly what Ryan was; trying to let me know I had someplace to go, but there was only one way that sentence was going to be taken.

I winced and turned to look at Ryan, to see how he was reacting to…that, but he was purposefully looking in the other directions, his fingers tapping out that beat again against the ground.

My eyes widened and I think I was more surprised by Ryan right then than Shane’s offer. I was more surprised by him than anything that had happened that night. I’m a little slow sometimes, but I fully understood what he was doing. Or rather, what he wasn’t doing. He wasn’t making a big deal. He was letting me decide.

I don’t think anything else could have made me feel even a little bit better right then. Ryan had been pretty bad too. And, thinking back, Ryan hadn’t wanted to look at me right away, either. I mean, he’d talked to me, and fought with me, unlike my mom, but maybe I was right. Maybe it wasn’t that bad.

I shot Ryan a smile, even though he wasn’t looking at me and if we were the type of friends that hugged or any of that shit, I might have reached out in some way to let him know how awesome he was. As it was, I just cleared my throat and turned back to face Shane.

“Uh,” I said, and bit my lip. “Yeah, I…yeah. Okay.”

“Okay,” Shane whispered, and when the room was quiet again, he frowned, staring at where Ryan’s fingers were tapping against the ground.

I cringed inwardly, praying he wouldn’t say anything about it. Not when Ryan was being so…cool about everything. But, no one ever listens to me. Not even whatever gods could hear my prayers.

“Dude,” Shane said to Ryan, face scrunching up in a grimace. “California Girls? How do you even know that song?”

Ryan stopped his drumming and narrowed his eyes on Shane for a moment before he snorted, rolling his eyes.

“Fuck off,” he said, shrugging. “You obviously know it too.”

“Oh my…” Chloe started, eyes widening, lit with amusement, already shaking with laughter. “Jesus, Ry, Katy Perry? Thought it was Jake going through the whole gay crisis.”

And yeah, I could have let that bother me. But I didn’t. My chest tightened up, the muscles in my stomach clenched, and when I started laughing, it was awhile before I could make myself stop.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

It was quiet at Shane’s house. I’d been there often enough over the past couple months and it wasn’t until right then that I realized how loud it generally is when I come over. There’s always something going on. Shane’s sisters are crying or his brother is playing his music too loud or his mom is watching TV and overpowering the volume on the TV with heavy coughs. Or all of the above at once.

There was nothing this time when we entered. It was so dark I could hardly see Shane’s outline in front of me and if that wasn’t enough to let me in on the fact that everyone was asleep, the way Shane reached around me to gently ease the door shut with a soft ‘thud’ was.

He slipped off his shoes before grabbing my wrist to lead me through the dark, and I was grateful. I doubted I could navigate my own home in the dark, much less his. And even with his help, I nearly tripped walking up the stairs.

“You alright?” he whispered, gripping my wrist as he hauled me up until I was standing at the top of the stairs. The move brought me close enough to him to feel his chest up against mine, my face hovering somewhere near his neck and I closed my eyes, sighing. He smelled good.

“Jake?” he asked, pulling back to look at me.

“I’m good,” I whispered, shaking my head. I tried to pull away but Shane’s wasn’t letting go of my wrist. He stood there a moment longer just staring at me and I… I let him. I was too tired to let it really get to me. Or maybe I was finally getting used to it.

“Okay,” he said after another moment. His grip on my wrist slackened, but he didn’t release me. Just slide his fingers down to twine with mine, and after a moment of indecision—just one small moment because _come on_ I wasn’t used to holding hands with _any_ one, much less a boy—I gripped his fingers back and followed him to his room.

His room. With his bed. I was supposed to stay the entire night. With Shane. In his bed. In his room.

I probably should have thought it through before I accepted this invitation.

“Uhm,” I said intelligently when Shane locked the door behind us.

“’Uhm’ what? Shane asked. He lifted an eyebrow and _smirked_ because obviously, he is a douche bag.

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. I’d been in his room—in his bed before and I literally had my cock in his _mouth_ only hours before, so it really shouldn’t have been a big deal. I should have been able to just sleep there, no problem, but I couldn’t move. I just stood there, staring at all of the pillows and the comforter that was falling onto the floor wondering why the fuck I didn’t go to Ryan’s or even just stay on Chloe’s couch. Her mom loves me. She might have let me. Maybe.

It occurred to me then, that _my_ mom would flip shit if she knew I was spending the night with someone I could end up actually doing something with and…

And I totally had better things to panic about. Freaking out about his bed was stupid and I frowned as soon as I realized it, shaking my head at myself. I was officially the most ridiculous person I knew.

“Hey,” Shane said, voice going soft as he laid a gentle hand on my shoulder. “You okay?”

That seemed like a silly question, but I guessed it wasn’t considering I didn’t even know the answer to it. I was all over the place. A fucking _mess_.

So, I just shrugged, kicked off my shoes and hopped onto Shane’s bed without letting myself think about it. Whatever. It was just a bed. For sleeping.

Shane looked for a moment like he might have something to say. He stood there looking at me for so long, I was just about ready to snap at him to just _say_ it, but he turned away before I had the chance to get too worked up about it.

He moved over to his dresser and started to take off his clothes for bed, and it was weird the way I didn’t think twice about that. He stripped down to his boxers and I didn’t even flinch. It could have been the fact that I’d seen him in much less while changing for swim practice or a meet, or it could have been that I was still wearing all of my clothes and I knew Shane wouldn’t push. If nothing else, he proved that much earlier. I was the only one pushing then and as much as I’d hated it, it was comforting to remember.

He practically tiptoed over to the bed and shot me a questioning glance when he went to pull back the covers of his bed. I nodded like I actually had any right to tell him no. It was _his_ bed, not mine. But he still slid in gently, careful to keep as much distance between us as possible, before he reached over to his nightstand to grab the remote for his stereo to put some music on.

I smiled at him when he settled in, facing me. My near panic attack a few seconds earlier seemed so stupid when I really stopped to think about it. I could sleep _on top_ of Shane and he’d never do anything about it. Pretty much everything he’d done so far let me know I could be as comfortable as I wanted there. And everything he was doing now…

Shane was kind of awesome.

“You sleep with music on?” I asked, keeping my voice at a whisper.

He shook his head against his pillow, smiling back at me. “No,” he replied with a one armed shrugged. “Just thought it’d help.”

“Help what?”

He shrugged again. “You,” he said simply.

And the thing is…he was probably right. I wasn’t thinking about it, but I’d probably be a lot less…mellow if he hadn’t turned on the music. I’d have felt pressured to talk, or _do_ something, but it’d never gotten that far. I felt something warm inside my chest and it should’ve been impossible after the night I was having but I felt _good_ —warm and relaxed just laying there with him. Even if I could have gone home, I wouldn’t have wanted to.

“I think I should hate you,” I whispered, moving closer to him without giving it much thought. It was probably a weird thing to say, but whatever. If Shane knew me enough to make me comfortable without even trying, he definitely already knew I was a freak.

“Yeah?” he said, frowning as he tucked a hand under his cheek, but he didn’t look offended.

I nodded. “I don’t, though,” I said. I reached out to rest my fingers on his elbow. Just to touch. To be close. He lifted his arm without a word and slung it across my waist, pulling closer as he did.

“Why?” he asked, his breath ghosting across my forehead.

“Why don’t I hate you?” I asked frowning, as I tried to inhale his scent without letting him know I was doing it.

“Why do you think you should,” he clarified.

I wasn’t really sure how to answer that. I knew that I would have, at one point, blamed this entire thing on him. And it was true that none of it would be happening if he weren’t there. Or…it wouldn’t be happening like this, anyway. But I couldn’t blame him either way. Not anymore.

“I don’t know,” I said after a moment. “I was gay before… _you_. I just used to be a freak about it.”

“Really? _Used_ to be, huh?” Shane said, full of sarcasm and I didn’t need to look up at him to know he was smirking.

“Shut up,” I snorted, shoving him slightly, only to pull him right back. “If they hate me,” I continued, sobering. “It’s not because it’s _you_. It’s because it’s _me_.”

I wasn’t even sure that made sense. Actually, I was pretty sure it didn’t, but it was the best way I knew how to explain it. I don’t know when I had time to think about it, but I knew that things wouldn’t be different if Shane weren’t in the picture at all. If all that my mom overheard was Ryan saying that I was gay, I was sure nothing would be different, even if there weren’t another boy involved. The problem wasn’t Shane. The problem was me. And _I_ wasn’t going to change even if there wasn’t a ‘Shane’ involved.

He wrapped his arm tighter around me, pulling me closer and I was just…really, _really_ glad there was a Shane involved.

“You could tell her that it _was_ me,” Shane said, voice so soft I almost missed it, and I immediately didn’t like where this was going.

“What?” I said, louder than I intended, ignoring the way the springs in his mattress protested as I lifted up on my elbow to look at him.

Shane shrugged. “You could tell her it was my fault. Like…I don’t know.” He shifted, uncomfortable as I continued to stare.

“Like Colin did?” I asked, my voice flat. “Yeah, no thanks. Fuck that.” I shook my head. “You tell Colin it was alright for him to do it?”

“No,” Shane said, brow furrowing. “No, I just…well, it worked for him. And…I kinda like you more.”

“Shane,” I said with a sigh, and I lied back down. “No. I don’t…just…I’m not gonna do that.”

“Okay,” he said simply, wrapping his arm back around me. “Cool.”

We lay there for long minutes just listening to the music as Shane stroked his hand up and down my back. I was…comfortable. More relaxed than I could ever remember being, but I wasn’t even close to drifting off to sleep. I would have thought that after the day I’d had, I’d fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow and I _was_ exhausted. Just not…tired.

I probably had one hell of a day to look forward to and I wasn’t in any rush to get there. I wasn’t ready to deal with whatever was going to happen tomorrow.

“Wanna know something?” Shane said, jarring me out of my thoughts.

“Huh?” I said, burrowing in closer. I had no idea what the fuck was wrong with me, but I needed to be close. I wasn’t used to being able to do this. Being able to touch and _want_ and take and have it be okay. My situation really couldn’t get any worse and this—Shane—was actually the best part of it, not the worst. I just… _wanted_ and I didn’t have to pretend like I didn’t anymore.

“I don’t even _like_ Quesadillas,” he said, and that was so far from what I thought he was going to say, that my responding laugh was a surprise to even me and way louder than I intended.

“Shh,” Shane said, pulling back a little bit to look at me. “My parents don’t actually let me have boys spend the night in my bed.”

His eyes were bright with mirth, even in the soft light in his room and I didn’t think twice about it, I just lifted up, sliding my hand around his neck to pull him close enough to press my lips against his.

 _This_. This is what I wanted. I wanted to cut out everything that had happened from the time that Shane left my house up to this moment. I’d been fucking _elated_ earlier. It was literally like nothing could bring me down and _this_ was what I wanted. All I was looking forward to from the moment it stopped and Shane had to go home. Just this.

Shane slipped his hand under my shirt and I gasped at the feel of his fingers against my stomach, my muscles clenching against the cold.

I felt…needy. I needed to get closer. To feel _more_. I wanted to know what his chest would feel like against mine. I wanted to taste it again. I wanted to touch and I didn’t want to think about anything else. I wanted to _have_ this without feeling guilty and terrified every second.

I ripped away from his lips, actually keeping eye contact as long as I could as I sat up to pull my shirt over my head.

“Jake,” Shane said, sitting up with me. I pushed him back down.

“Shut up,” I said, shaking my head. “I wanna…just shut up, okay?”

Shane laughed, shaking his head at me. “Yeah,” he said, tone almost fond. “Okay.”

He grabbed my arm and pulled me back down into him and just…looked at me.

And I actually looked back. Held his gaze and it felt _good_ to look. I felt closer, and who the fuck knew why, but I _liked_. I didn’t want it to stop.

“Kiss me,” I demanded, and I wasn’t even embarrassed by how obviously needy I was behaving. I wanted…

I just _wanted_.

I groaned at the feel of Shane’s chest pressed against mine when he pulled me in for another kiss, and I wrapped both my arms around him, rolling until I could feel his weight pressing against me and, God, _this_. I wanted so much more of _this_.

I wrapped a leg around the back of Shane’s thigh, pulling him hard against me as I thrust up, breaking away from his lips to muffle a groan in his shoulder, totally unashamed. I wasn’t even thinking. I wasn’t worried he didn’t want it and I wasn’t thinking about anyone finding out or what anyone would think. I really just did not give a flying fuck.

I had no idea how I got here. Zero to fucking sixty in no time flat. I was _desperate_ and I couldn’t stop. I didn’t even want to.

I thrust again, gripping Shane tight when he tried to pull away, using one had to hold him in place at the hips and the other to pull him back down to kiss him again. I really liked kissing him.

“Jake,” Shane said against my lips, and I tried not to whimper when he pulled away.

“Don’t stop,” I said plaintively, lifting up to follow, to get more of his lips and Shane grinned, nudged my cheek with his nose.

“Shh,” he whispered, pressing his lips to mine once more before lifting up to reach a hand between us, fingers playing at the button of my jeans. “I’m not.”

I was exhausted. I’d had the longest day of my life and I didn’t fucking care. It was going to be awhile before I was ready to sleep.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I left before Shane’s parents woke up. Actually, I walked out the door before the sun was even up. Shane got up and groggily followed me to the door, ignoring my protests the whole way.

He didn’t say much, but he leaned in to kiss me before I could get out of his house.

I let him.

I didn’t expect anyone to be home when I got there. My parents were never home when I was supposed to be at school, it was one of the things that made it so easy to skip class.

So when I opened the front door and stepped into my living room to find my dad sitting on his recliner waiting for me, I literally almost pissed my fucking pants.

And I ran. I didn’t actually leave the house. No, that would have been _smart_. I ran right upstairs and trapped myself in my room because I’m a fucking moron. My dad didn’t even give me a minute to breathe before he followed me, and Jesus. I could have at least locked my door.

I think…I think maybe I wanted to know what he’d do. Maybe it wouldn’t be as bad as I thought. I’d been wrong about almost everything else so far.

Even my mom had surprised me, though; I wasn’t any closer to figuring out where I stood with her. I spent a good deal of my walk home trying to convince myself that everything that had happened with my mom wasn’t as bad as it looked. Maybe she just needed some time to…adjust or something. It’s not like she told me to rot in hell or anything like any of the movies I’d seen. It wasn’t like she said anything at all, so I didn’t _know_. It might not be that bad.

But my dad? I’d always known he was going to have a problem with it and when he stepped into my room, I only needed to look at him once to know two things. The first was that my mom had totally ratted me out. That wasn’t really a surprise. The second was that I was _not_ wrong about my dad.

That wasn’t really a surprise either.

My dad had never looked so fucking big in my entire life and I didn’t know what to make of it. He was glaring at me. My dad didn’t do that. When I got in trouble with him, he usually had this creepy calm while he talked at me. It did the trick. I hated get into trouble with him, but this was worse. I didn’t know what this was.

My dad looked ready to actually snap. Full on, psychotic breakdown or something. I could see the veins straining in his neck and forearms and his fists were clenched and my dad had never laid a hand on me in all of my sixteen years, but I suddenly wasn’t so sure I could trust any of what I knew and I backed away, eyes wide, heart thudding in my chest.

My dad’s whole face scrunched up in what looked like confusion but I wasn’t sure and I tensed for whatever was coming.

“What do you think is going to happen right now, Jacob?” he asked, and holy fuck, I had no idea how to answer that the right way. It felt like a trick question. Also? I was _terrified_ and I’m not even ashamed to admit it. His voice was low and so…evenly, eerily calm. That at least was familiar but who cares, that little fact was absolutely no comfort.

“I…” I said, and shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

“For what?” my dad demanded and I jumped at his raised voice. He frowned again, and I really couldn’t do this right now.

Or ever. I couldn’t do this ever. I changed my mind. I did _not_ need to know anything. I just needed to get away. But my dad is fucking huge and he was blocking my escape.

“I don’t know,” I said, cringing at the way my voice broke and the desperation that colored my tone. My dad hated when I cried.

“You don’t _know_?” He took a step closer to me, and I closed my eyes and waited. I heard him move closer still and I held my breath.

It scared the shit out of me when I felt my bed shift and he sat down. I inhaled sharply and backed away further.

My dad didn’t even turn to look at me though. He just sat facing the other direction for long minutes that felt like they were going to stretch on into hours, before he finally sighed and dropped his head into his hands, elbows rested on his knees.

“You don’t know,” he repeated, voice low but nothing near calm. I was imagining the way it shook. I had to be. He sighed again and shook his head. “Then why are you apologizing?”

I could feel my bed shake and about lost my shit entirely when I thought for a second that my dad was _crying_. But he wasn’t. It was me. I wasn’t crying, not yet, but I was trembling. Literally shaking so bad that I could see it and it wasn’t long before my dad noticed it too.

He looked up at me, face blotchy red, and frowned. He cocked his head to the side and reached for me, brow furrowing deeper when I flinched.

“What do you think is going to happen here, Jacob?” he repeated and I closed my eyes, shaking my head before giving him the same answer.

“I don’t know.”

And really, that was the problem.

My dad’s jaw clenched and he stood up from my bed to walk across my room. For no other reason, apparently, than to turn around and walk back. And repeat.

“I don’t either,” he said and I watched the tension just drain out of him. He literally shrank right in front of me and for some reason that scared me even more.

He stepped closer to me and when I swallowed and moved further away, my dad flinched.

“I’m not going to hurt you, Jake,” he said, frowning. “You know that, right?”

I didn’t respond and I refused to look at him. It felt like I trick question and I was sure that if I looked at him, he wouldn’t like whatever answer he saw on my face.

“Damn it, Jacob,” my dad said pained, his voice almost a whisper, and he collapsed back down onto my bed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees.

“Dad…” I said, voice shaking because this was even more terrifying than if my dad were to try and hurt me. My dad never looked lost. My dad was always sure of himself.

I didn’t know which way was up and I was starting to think maybe I didn’t know either of my parents very well.

“We’re gonna…” my dad started and trailed off on a sigh. He shook his head. “We’re going to talk about this.”

Which is what I thought we were doing, but fuck if I’d understood anything that had happened this far, why start now?

My dad nodded for no particular reason that I could see. I wasn’t even sure he was talking to me anymore, until he turned to face me. My breath caught in my throat. He…he didn’t look happy with me at _all_ , but I was just…really fucking grateful that he was looking at me. That he was even talking to me at all. And I didn’t really need to hear what he said next to understand it.

“It’s going to be okay, Jacob,” he said, his soothing tone in complete contrast to the strained glare he was shooting my way. “We’re going to talk about this but… it’s going to be okay.”

He reached over and dropped a hand on my shoulder, grimacing when I couldn’t hold back another flinch. He squeezed my shoulder anyway.

“Your mother’s gone for the day,” he said, frowning like something about that pissed him off. And yeah, I totally wasn’t stupid. It was like, five o’clock in the morning. If mom was gone already, then she didn’t leave today.

“I want you to stay here,” he continued, leveling me with one of the stares he used to use when I used to steal money from the emergency stash he and my mother left in the kitchen for me when I was younger and they couldn’t get home in time for dinner or…whatever the fuck.

“I have to go to work. I’ll be home early. You’re to stay here until I get home.”

I nodded. “Okay,” I promised. And I meant it. He looking at me. He was talking to me. And he said it was going to be okay. No way wasn’t I going to do whatever he told me to.

He sighed, squeezing my shoulder one last time before getting up to leave my room.

And I was…fucking lost.

I didn’t expect it to be okay. I expected the world—or _my_ world—to end when my parents found about me.

But it hadn’t.

My dad was supposed to be the worst one. He was always the one I’d been most afraid of. I wasn’t complaining but I never thought he’d be okay with it.

Actually, I was sure he _wasn’t_ okay with it, but he was still there and I didn’t care anymore if he was going to be angry or whatever about it. He was still trying to be my dad. And after everything with my mom... I wasn’t sure if she was still going to be there. The fact that she’d apparently left really didn’t sit well with me. But I couldn’t think about it. Not right then. Right then… I couldn’t feel anything but relieved.

I fell back onto my bed, grabbing my pillow and clutching it tight for no other reason than to stop the trembling. My entire body was shaking and I really didn’t know why. I wasn’t sad or even all that scared anymore, but it wouldn’t stop.

I’d only just closed my eyes when my phone rang, and I smiled. There was really only one person it could be.

“Go back to sleep,” I said as soon as I answered, and smiled broader at the sound of Shane’s rasping laugh down the line.

“Yeah,” he said, voice sleep soft. “Just wanted to make sure everything was okay.”

I let out a breath, a huff of air that felt good to get off my chest and closed my eyes.

“Yeah,” I said, taking another deep breath, my body going lax as I finally stopped shaking. “I’m good.”


	19. Chapter 19

Nothing was supposed to be the same. I fought and fought against being gay the whole way. I even went as far as trying not to _think_ at all as if that were actually possible, all because I didn’t want anything to change…and nothing did anyway. I’d wanted to keep my friends and family. I _liked_ my life.

Right.

My parents knew. Ryan and Chloe knew. My world was supposed to be falling apart. I was supposed to be dealing with my parents disowning me and having my friends turn on me. Everything was supposed to change.

I figured I’d be alone on the streets in a gutter somewhere, or something lame like that. I never thought I’d end up _here_.

In English class. Taking the damn final. It seemed more than a little anticlimactic.

Also, the final? I actually spent a great deal of time stressing about the fact that I hadn’t read or paid attention to most anything we’d learned, and I spent even more time trying to make up for it. I even tried to figure out what the hell Oedipus was all about, spent hours studying it, and it wasn’t even on the final. It was all essays, and ‘read the excerpt’ questions. I listened this year, and I read all the seriously _disturbing_ shit we were assigned, and I stressed about failing this damn class and for what?

Nothing. Totally anticlimactic.

I had been so prepared to lose everything. What a fucking joke.

“Cade?” I whispered reaching out to tap Caydence’s shoulder. She’d already finished the test. Because she’s a sad, overachieving loner.

She looked at me, perfect eyebrows arched in question.

“It’s totally going to be your fault if I fail. I asked you to tutor me.” Clearly, I hadn’t needed the tutor. I could read, which seemed to be the only requirement to pass this test, but still.

“Or maybe,” Caydence whispered back, actually lifting her hand to shield her mouth, because _that’s_ not obvious at all. “Maybe you’ll fail for talking to me in the middle of your final.”

I rolled my eyes, turning back to my essay. “Whatever,” I muttered. “Still your fault.”

I finished the essay minutes before the bell and Caydence snorted audibly when I smirked at her as I set my paper on top off the stack on the teacher’s desk.

“Never stop being a spaz,” she whispered as I approached, as fond as Caydence ever is.

I rolled my eyes again before I grinned and batted my eyelashes at her as best I could and responded, “Sure thing. You stay a bitch forever, okay? K.I.T this summer!”

Her shoulders shook with silent laughter, cheeks flushing as she held her breath to keep silent.

Caydence and I had gotten a bit closer in the past month. She came over to my house after Shane cancelled on her and Tyler’s strawberry picking trip, and bitched at me for at least an hour, until I finally snapped and told her what happened but she didn’t leave after that. She stayed, and somehow, we ended up at my kitchen table taking apart my toaster. She bet me I couldn’t put it back together before my parents got home.

I _did_ put it back together. And it looked right too. It just…didn’t exactly make toast anymore.

Caydence kept coming around after that and it was…cool. She wasn’t as close as any of my other friends but I thought maybe she could be. She was cool to talk to, and above all else she kept my mind occupied. She’d confuse me until it was impossible for me to think about how fucked up things at my house were, or she’d set me to work on useless tasks and kept me guessing as to why it was important to do it. And it _was_ important, if you asked her. She was very convincing. I’d spent hours building a village of Legos with her a couple days back like it’d be the end of the world if I didn’t.

I liked Caydence. Caydence was…simple, in a complex sort of way that I’d never understand. But mostly, I liked that she didn’t try and get me to talk. Chloe and Shane were always on me to talk. Ry stayed off my case for the most part, but that didn’t seem to matter with Chloe there. Caydence was easier to be around sometimes. She never asked difficult questions opting instead to keep them to herself so she could make up answers to them and tell me about them later. It was kind of…awesome.

The bell rang, and Caydence waited for me to pack my bag and we left the classroom together.

“So,” she said as we stepped into the hall. “You know how your mom hates your marrow?”

It seemed like a harsh sentence, but it made me feel better. My mom _didn’t_ ‘hate my marrow’ whatever that means. She didn’t hate me at all. But with the way she was acting, it was easy to forget. Until Caydence said something like that. It just sounded…so far off. It _was_ so far off. I didn’t know what was up with my mother but…she didn’t hate me. And having Caydence say it like that reminded me somehow.

“Sure,” I said to Caydence anyway, grinning in spite of the topic. “What’s your point?”

“My ferret died,” she responded, and I’d have been jarred by the apparent sudden change of subject if I were talking to anyone else.

But it was Caydence. So, I nodded and patiently waited for that magical moment where her random words finally came together to make a crazy sort of sense.

“It was awful,” she said, serene smile contradicting her words. I wasn’t worried. Odds were evenly split as to whether or not we were talking about an actual ferret. Caydence had a thing for animals, but I was pretty sure she didn’t have any pets.

“I’m sorry,” I replied, not bothering with trying to sound sympathetic. Caydence didn’t seem all that sad anyway.

“Mmm,” she sighed. “Me too. My dad made me flush it.”

So most likely not an actual ferret. At least, I hoped not.

“Cade,” I sighed, giving up on waiting it out. “What’s it got to do with my mother?”

I wasn’t about to ask what ‘ferret’ meant for her, or how she flushed one. I was pretty sure I didn’t want to know.

Caydence shrugged, smiling wide, cheeks nearly obscuring her eyes. “At least, she didn’t flush you, right? Cause that would suck”

I took a deep breath and opened my moth to toss back my usual exasperated, sarcastic response, let her know how it totally was not the same thing, but I stopped short, exhaling on a laugh as her words caught up to me.

Sometimes, Caydence logic was my favorite. Even if she wasn’t exactly right. My mom may not have hated me, but I wasn’t entirely sure she _hadn’t_ ‘flushed’ me. Or…whatever.

“Well,” I said, still laughing. “There’s that.”

Caydence shoved me with her elbow, grinning. “It’s something, right.”

I snorted, throwing an arm over her shoulder as we walked.

I’d never been the…touching type. For the most part it was annoying when Chloe did it, but lately… I wasn’t sure if it was that I was…needy, for lack of a better word, or lack of a more honest one. Or maybe it was because Chloe seemed to think it was her right to fucking hung me all the time and I’d just gotten used to it. Whatever. It was easier now, to touch. Not just Chloe or Caydence. Shane too. Most everyone really. I was pretty sure it’d be awkward if I ever pulled some shit like that on Ryan, but even he was _closer_ somehow. He felt closer. I just…leaned on all of them more often than I used to.

I wasn’t going to analyze it.

Caydence walked with me to Ry’s car where he and Chloe waited for me after school. Shane no longer drove me home…for obvious reasons. Things may not have been as bad as I thought they were going to be, but they weren’t exactly great either and I wasn’t about to make it worse. Besides, I’d see him later.

“Hey, Chloe,” Caydence said as we approached Ryan’s car. She smiled like seeing Chloe was the highlight of her day…and ignored Ryan completely.

Chloe grimaced and didn’t bother trying to hide it.

“Caydence,” she replied, nodding at her.

I couldn’t be sure because girls were fucking _weird_ and fully indecipherable, but I was pretty sure Caydence and Chloe hated each other. Caydence was always sickly sweet, and the kind of nice she never is to anyone she actually likes, and Chloe looks like she’s being stung by bees every time Caydence shows up. But they still made it a point to hang out.

“Mall later?” Caydence asked, and I almost laughed. Chloe was never going to agree to that. Chloe hated shopping almost as much as I did.

“Yup,” Chloe answered, and both Ryan and I almost got whiplash, jerking toward her to stare.

Chloe ignored us, forcing a smile at Caydence. “Just text me when you’re on your way to my house.”

“’kay,” Caydence said, waving as she walked off. “Later, Jacob.”

Fucking indecipherable.

“I kind of hate her,” Ry commented vaguely as she walked off. “She’s a douchey, little….douche, ya know.”

“She grows on you,” Chloe replied, darkly as we climbed into the car. “It’s fucking annoying.”

I rolled my eyes before spreading out in the back seat. Apparently the fact that Chloe was dating Ryan meant she could steal my seat.

“Ryan doesn’t like any girl that ignores him,” I put in with a sigh. “Caydence is awesome.”

Neither of them answered me, and I frowned. “You guys are not allowed to make out around me,” I announced when I felt it’d been too long since anyone had responded or…moved to start the car. “It’s a rule.”

“Bullshit,” Ryan shot back. “I have to watch you make out with your boyfriend, you can deal with me and Chloe.”

“You do _not_ ,” I retorted, flushing. Ryan was a lying liar who lied. I didn’t even notice the dreaded ‘B’ word I’d forbidden Ryan to use so many times before. “I do _not_ do that in front of you.”

“ _Ha!_ ” Ryan snapped triumphantly. “But you do it while I’m not there…and I saw it once. The image was burned into my brain forever. So deal with it, Bro-mo.”

God, Ryan was really a dick. I kind of loved him, anyway.

“Thought I told you to keep me outta your fantasies, Ry?” I said, grinning. Not because he was funny or even because I thought I was terribly clever. It was just awesome that it finally wasn’t too soon to joke about it.

Ryan glared at me and I smirked, adding. “I told you it makes me uncomfortable.”

“How ‘bout you bite me, Jakey?”

“Tsk, what Chloe must think,” I retorted.

Chloe laughed. “I _think_ you’ve both got issues of the kinky variety. Could be fun to watch.”

Ryan and I blanched at that, and apparently both decided that silence was the best way out of that one. Neither one of us was touching that comment.

Watch? Jesus, her mother would be _shocked_. Also? Gross.

Ryan pulled in front of my house first, but instead of waiting for me to get out and driving off like he usually did, he pulled his keys from the ignition and started taking off his seat belt.

“What are you doing?” I asked, my hand pausing on the door handle.

“You can’t possibly still be grounded,” Ry complained with a whine. “We’re coming in.”

“I’m not grounded,” I replied. “But you can’t come in.”

I frowned at how foreign the words sounded coming out of my mouth. I was pretty sure I’d never said them to Ryan before, grounded or not.

Ry frowned, but he didn’t ask me any questions. He was good about that. I was pretty sure he knew that things with my parents weren’t exactly right—he climbed into my window often enough to figure enough out, but I’d never actually volunteered any information and he’d never pressed me for it.

“I’ll see you guys at Chloe’s later, alright?” I said, and closed my door before Chloe could get a word in. I loved Chloe. She was family but she more than made up for Ry when it came to hassling me.

I walked up the path to my house without looking back, and let out a sigh of relief when I heard Ryan’s engine start back up.

It was…stupid, but _I_ didn’t want them to come in. I didn’t want them to see. I wasn’t even sure if they’d be able to pick up on it, but I didn’t want to risk it. I didn’t want them to know how things were with my mom. I didn’t want to have to talk with Chloe about it, and I didn’t even want to think about what Ryan would do, but I was sure he wouldn’t let it go if he actually picked up on anything.

The thing was, there wasn’t really anything different. Not…really. I was pretty sure I could bring anyone else over to my house and no one would ever know there was anything wrong. I wasn’t even in trouble.

It seems almost funny that I didn’t even get grounded. I figured I’d be forced to live out the rest of high school locked up in my room, banned from any contact with the outside world at the very least.

It didn’t happen. I kind of wished it had happened. I could deal with punishment. I’d had years of practice dealing with punishment, every time I got caught sneaking out, or whatever but I had absolutely no experience whatsoever dealing with a non-mother.

My mom had never been the type to take too much of an interest in what I did. I mean, she’d ask where I was going when I left the house, but she never seemed too concerned with the answer. And I was pretty sure my mother had never actually _seen_ me do homework a day in her life. I’d always kind of liked that she wasn’t too worried about it. Ryan’s dad used to demand to see his homework when he finished it, and he’d called the school more than once to make sure Ryan was actually attending. My parents didn’t do that and I’d always thought it was cool. I got away with so much more.

But my mom didn’t need to pay too much attention to those things, because she almost always knew without asking if I’d done something wrong. When Ry had stolen her car, she knew I was guilty of _something_ even before she knew it was missing and if I was upset, my mom was the first one to get on my case about what was wrong as soon as she noticed it. I never really asked for help when I needed it, never volunteered any information, but all I had to do was go into the kitchen or wherever the fuck my mom was and just…look at her and she’d _know_ something was up and she’d fix it.

I didn’t really give a shit if my mom asked where I was going when I walked out the front door. For the most part, I preferred that she didn’t, but the rest of it?

My mom had been able to keep up her silent treatment for a grand total of nineteen hours. And…it sucked the whole time, but it didn’t even _matter_ when she finally started talking to me again. She came up to my room, noted the way I’m sure my eyes were red, and she just…told me to go get my laundry and walked out.

And maybe I am just as much of a drama queen as Ryan says, but there was definitely something wrong with me _now_. She was supposed to do something or…at least _ask_ if I was okay, right? I didn’t want to have some ridiculous heart to heart and discuss my big gay drama but, we were supposed to _talk_ , right? She’d just…walked away, and she’d stopped looking or talking to me, and obviously there was a problem, but she just…wasn’t talking about _that_.

“Hey Mom,” I called out as I entered the house, same as every other day I got home from school, and same as always, my mom nodded at me, and asked if I had homework. Because now? That’s what she talked about.

I didn’t have homework, but that didn’t matter.

“Yeah,” I answered. “I’m gonna go to Chloe’s later to do it.”

Mom nodded without looking away from her book. _Same as always_ , except for the part where she wasn’t looking at me. And it sucked but I was actually grateful for that now, because when she did look…

It wasn’t like she glared, or frowned or anything like that. It wasn’t even…unkind, not really. There was just something about her eyes when she looked at me. It made my skin itch, made me feel like running away. I had no idea why but there was something familiar about it, which was stupid, because I was positive no one had ever looked at me like that before. It just…felt familiar.

It was almost like the way people sometimes look at someone that walks with a limp or has a really obvious lazy eye. Like, part of them is trying not to look, because that’s _rude_ and then another part of them feels like trying too obviously to avoid looking is just as rude. That’s kinda how my mom looked at me…but not really.

I don’t know. Maybe it wasn’t the look that was familiar. Maybe it was just the way it made me feel.

It made me remember sneaking my sheets down to the basement to wash them in the middle of the night, as if my parents were ever going to be able to figure out what I was dreaming about just by looking at them, and hey, it’s not suspicious at all to wash your sheets in the middle of the fucking night, right? It made me remember guilt, sharp and bitter like tasting soap the first time my mind wandered while I was jacking off.

It made me remember running from Shane, my lungs straining, while my mouth watered with salty saliva when he _almost_ kissed me.

I thought it had sucked when she wasn’t looking at me, but it was better. Much better.

I toed off my shoes at the door, setting my backpack down near the coat rack no one ever used, and I wondered if she’d even notice if I didn’t take it with me when I left to do ‘homework’ at Chloe’s.

I stopped short of going upstairs, turning to my mother once more.

“I’ve got my last meet today,” I said. It was stupid. I was just…reaching. It was lame but at least I wasn’t spending anymore time crying into pillows like a little girl.

And Mom had always been supportive in a kind of distant way where she never came to my swim meets, but she knew both mine and Ry’s stats by heart.

“I know,” Mom replied, and there was a smile in her voice, even if there wasn’t one on her face. “The schedule’s on the fridge, remember?”

Of course I remembered. I was the one that usually reminded her.

I stood there for a moment longer, waiting for her to look up and…ask me what I wanted or…anything, but she didn’t. She just sat there for long moments before turning the page in her book.

I sighed and took off upstairs to change before I headed over to Shane’s. My parents had never specifically said not to go over there. I wasn’t even sure they knew he was the guy Ryan was talking about when he let it slip that he…

Yeah. I knew Ryan had said his name, but that didn’t mean my mom had heard, or that she’d told my dad. Neither of them said anything about it. My mom wasn’t talking about it at all, and my dad mostly just talked around it, in weird riddles and metaphors. But still… I never told them when I went over there. I always lied and said I was going to Ryan’s or Chloe’s. I used to try to avoid lying to my mom when I could, because she used to be able to see right through it.

If she still could, she was keeping it to herself.

I took the quickest shower of my life, partly because I knew I’d be taking another one before the day was over, and partly because I wanted to get out of my house as quick as possible. It was just…weird. My mom was acting normal as far as anyone else could tell. She wasn’t mean, or neglectful. She’d ask what I wanted for dinner and disregard everything I suggested just like always, but she was different. It felt…different. Too quiet, and too strained, and just _too much_.

“I’m going to the park,” I told my mom as I walked out the door. I didn’t wait for a response.

I was pretty sure I wasn’t going to get one anyway.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I met Shane at his house, but we didn’t stay there. He was waiting for me, standing next to his car when I got there.

“No,” I said, before he could open his mouth. “I don’t wanna go mini-golfing, or go-carting, or skating, or shopping, or bowling.”

“Good,” Shane said, smiling. “Cause we’re going hiking.”

“No, we’re not,” I responded, shaking my head. “I don’t wanna go hiking either.”

Shane rolled his eyes and stepped forward, reaching out to tug the hem of my shirt. “Sure, you do,” he said. “It’ll be fun.”

I sighed. “I don’t want to be around people,” I told him, looking toward the ground. “I’ve had a rough day.”

Which was bullshit, actually. It had been a fantastic day in comparison to some that I’d had over the last three weeks. Like the day my dad had taken my cell phone away, insisting that I _wasn’t_ grounded, or being punished all the while, or the day my mother had tried forcing me to go back to church and I’d had to sit with Colin the whole, goddamn time.

“Hiking makes all things better,” Shane said, rolling his eyes, probably because he didn’t believe me. He was always good about just…sitting with me on those days that had _really_ been bad. Whatever. I wasn’t exactly the world’s best liar. I couldn’t even keep the gay thing a secret when no one was trying to find it out.

“But…” Yeah, I had nothing to follow that up with. The thing is, it _had_ been fun when he’d taken me go-carting, and skating, and even bowling hadn’t been all bad. And it wasn’t like I didn’t get to spend time with him alone afterward. It wasn’t that I hated going out or I was nervous about being seen with him either. It was something else.

“Come on,” Shane said, and I grimaced. He was damn near pouting and he wasn’t even trying to hide it.

“Please?” he added, lowering his voice to a tone that kind of made me shiver. Pathetic. He wasn’t even touching me. And yeah, I was totally already going to cave, but I kind of wanted to kick him in the shin for it.

It was Tyler. I really, _really_ did not like Tyler. Caydence and Shane both acted like the guy shit gold, but I kind of hated everything about him. He had stupid hair, and stupid clothes, and he told stupid jokes that Shane always thought were fucking hilarious and he was an ass.

Shane had blown off strawberry picking to be around in case I needed anything the day after my parents found out, but that was it. Now, every fucking time Tyler wanted to do something, Shane was shoving me into a car.

Tyler was really a douchebag. I realize it sounds like jealousy. It totally _wasn’t_ but I knew how it sounded and that is exactly why I hadn’t said anything yet, and I wasn’t about to start saying anything then.

“Hiking where?” I asked with a sigh, and Shane all but pumped his fist and did a victory dance. I did _not_ like Tyler.

“Well,” Shane said, grabbing one of my belt loops and pulling me along as he turned to walk me toward the passenger side of the car. We were outside, in broad fucking daylight…

…and it kind of made me smile. A little.

“It’s not so much hiking as it is walking, and we’d be walking at the cemetery,” Shane said, and I could really only see the back of his head with him turned away from me, but I could practically hear him smirking.

And when he opened the door of the car and turned to hold it open for me, I could _see_ he was smirking.

“Okay,” I said slowly, and didn’t take one step to get into the car. “Why?” I asked, and then I kind of felt like an ass because I never would have asked Ryan that question if he’d asked me to do the same thing. “Nobody’s dead, right?”

In my defense, I really couldn’t think of a better way to ask that question.

“No,” Shane said, chuckling lightly. “Well, _yeah_. I mean, lots of people are dead, but we’re not going to see anyone in particular.”

“Then, why?” I asked, and moved forward to get in the car. I wasn’t sure he was going to tell me—sometimes, he kept me guessing until it was too late to back out—so it was better to get in the car. The sooner we got there, the sooner I’d find out.

Shane shut me into the car without answering, but he turned to face me when he got into the car instead of starting the engine so I figured my chances of finding out now were good.

“Just to walk,” Shane answered, whispering like it was a secret, and it must have been _secretly_ awesome because he was grinning like he’d just handed me the best news I’d get for awhile.

“Uhm…okay?” I said, and Shane laughed as he turned to put the keys in the ignition.

“It’ll be fun,” Shane insisted, pulling out of his driveway. “Caydence used to drag us all up there to take pictures and feed the ducks.” He grinned. “I brought bread.”

Right. It didn’t actually sound like a lot of fun to me, but I’d been wrong about most of the things we’d been going to do lately. I never would have thought I’d find anything to like about bowling. The only thing I actually _did_ like about it was that I seemed to be pretty damn good at it, but still. I’d had a good time.

“Caydence is coming?” I asked perking up a bit.

Shane nodded. “Yeah,” he said, and turned to look at me for a second, eyes widening and almost literally lighting up, like he just thought of something awesome. “You could invite Chloe,” he said, because Shane was sick, and he loved to watch the two of them argue.

I raised an eyebrow. “And Ryan?”

Shane waved me off. “Yeah, obviously. But mostly, invite Chloe.”

I didn’t know how you ‘mostly’ invite one person over another, but I snorted, rolling my eyes at him as I pulled out my cell phone to text Ryan. I was pretty sure that didn’t count as ‘mostly’ inviting Chloe, but whatever. He didn’t like Ryan? Well, _I_ didn’t like Tyler.

Ryan said they’d meet us there, which surprised me considering where we were going and how many people were going to be there, but I was glad for it.

We pulled up to the cemetery and Ryan and Chloe were already there, waiting at the gated entry with Caydence. And Tyler.

“Shane!” Tyler called out in a deep yell as we walked up, and I flinched and he dove toward Shane, hooking an arm around his neck and pulling him down. “It’s about damn _time_.”

Shane laughed; smiling wide and bright and he wrestled Tyler off, shoving him away good naturedly. “I told you I was waiting for Jake.”

Tyler looked at me like he’d just noticed I’d tagged along. Dick. Head. I always said so.

“Oh, right,” he said, shooting me a grin. “Ready to go swimming?”

He seemed pleased with himself and Shane started laughing.

I didn’t. “No,” I said simply, leaving him and Shane to chuckle about God knew what, as I moved to greet Chloe and Ry.

“Can’t get rid of you losers,” I said, grinning at them.

Ryan punched me in the shoulder way harder than necessary. “Nope,” he said, grinning as I reached up to rub what I knew was going to be a bruise in a couple hours.

“What are we doing here?” Chloe asked looking as confused as I felt when Shane told me we were coming.

“Uhm…” I said, frowning as I tried to think of whatever reason Shane had used to get me to agree to coming. “Feeding ducks?” I finished lamely, and Chloe arched an eyebrow.

“Right,” she said, slowly. “And…we’re the losers?”

“Fuck you, dude,” I replied laughing, because…yeah, that was kind of lame. I hadn’t fed ducks since I graduated kindergarten. “It wasn’t my idea.”

“Doesn’t explain why we’re here,” Ryan put in. He didn’t seem like he wasn’t okay with it though, so I shrugged.

“If I gotta suffer through it, so do you.”

Ryan punched me again. He was spending way too much time with Chloe.

“There are geese too,” Caydence put in, beaming like this little piece of news was supposed to make everything better.

“Uhm…” Chloe said, smiling. “That’s great, Caydence.”

“I know, right?” Caydence said, and turned to walk through the gates of the cemetery without looking back, to make sure the rest of us followed. We did, but Caydence didn’t seem to care.

It wasn’t…completely horrible. We went deeper into the cemetery than I’d ever been. The headstones got older the further we walked. Chloe kept gasping every time she saw a headstone where the dates of birth and death were less than a year apart, like she had no idea that babies died before. I didn’t even see a duck until we got closer to the center of the cemetery, and I found that there was a large pond there in the middle.

“See,” Shane said, running up behind me and knocking his shoulder into mine. “It’s pretty, right?”

Pretty? I snorted. “You are so…gay.”

Shane laughed, lowering his eyelashes as he looked at me. “Says my boyfriend,” he said in a voice barely above a whisper, because he’s a smartass.

Shane, Ryan, and Tyler took turns trying to push each other into the green sludge of the pond, and I joined in when Shane and Tyler started double teaming Ry, which, turns out, was a bad idea, because the _three_ of them turned on me.

But Caydence actually put her hand _in_ the slime, picked some of it up and chucked it…

Right at Tyler’s head.

We’d all been laughing, but everyone sort of froze when the gunk landed right at the back of his neck, waiting for his reaction.

Except, Chloe apparently didn’t feel like waiting. She keeled over, shoulders heaving as she laughed her ass off. She smiled brightly at Caydence, through eyes sparkling with tears, and Caydence joined her. Then me. Then Ryan. And finally Shane.

Tyler just stood there. And if I was laughing harder than anyone else, no one noticed.

“You little bitch,” he said after a moment, taking off after Caydence. She didn’t even try to run. She took his shoulder to the gut, and let herself be thrown over his shoulder.

“Say I won’t throw you in,” Tyler dared her as he carried her over to the pond.

Caydence laughed. “If I go, I’m taking you with me,” she said, reaching down to grip the belt loops of his jeans.

“You wouldn’t,” Tyler growled putting her down, and glaring.

“And _you_ wouldn’t chuck me into the pond,” she replied. “So, there.”

She turned to walk away with a spring in her step but Tyler caught her, grabbing her arm just above the elbow to pull her back.

“I have no idea why I missed you,” he said, but he was smiling at her.

Caydence shrugged. “I’m very pretty. Smart too.”

“And obviously humble,” Chloe muttered, grinning. Ry stopped laughing long enough to move closer to us to wrap his arms around Chloe from behind.

I moved to join Shane on a bench he’d sat down on near the water. Not because I was sappy and pathetic like Ry and Chloe clearly were, but it’d been a long walk to get there.

“Hey,” I said, leaning in toward him to knock my shoulder against his.  
I hadn’t expected him to turn to face me, and it brought his face really close to mine when he did. But I didn’t pull away.

“Hey back,” he replied, smiling softly. “It’s not so bad, right?”

I shrugged, nudging him again, for no other reason than the fact that maybe I was just as pathetic as Ryan and I wanted to be close. I wasn’t about to cuddle up with him or anything, but still.

“If you can get past the fact that we’re surrounded by dead people, it’s alright,” I replied, and Shane snorted, leaning closer still, until I could smell him.

He was right. It wasn’t that bad being there. Totally not as lame as I thought it was going to be, though I still wasn’t sure about the whole duck feeding thing. I was having a good time…but I didn’t want to be there.

I’d gotten past not being able to reach out for him whenever I felt like it when we were alone, but I still couldn’t do it out in public. I was actually okay with Chloe and Ryan, and even Caydence knowing about us, but I couldn’t…I just couldn’t yet. Not in front of them. I understood that we couldn’t just stay cooped up at his house all the time, but it was easier. When it was just him and me, I could just…I could just _be_. It was okay to just lean in and kiss him, whenever he looked at me with that smile, and I _could_ now, without feeling skittish or _wrong_. I wanted it, and I was okay with wanting it, and even with him knowing, and I hated being there right in that moment, and feeling like it wasn’t okay.

Things were _good_ with me and him right then, even with all my drama with my parents. I wanted him all the fucking time, and I couldn’t even touch him out here. It sucked.

Tyler made his way over to us, dropping down on the other side of Shane. I glared at him openly when he threw his arm across Shane’s shoulder.

“Can I get a minute?” he asked, and I was pretty sure he was talking to me, but he was looking at Shane. I was totally going to figure out a way to kick him in the shins and make it look like an accident.

Shane just grinned and nodded at him like it was no big deal, and the two of them got up and walked off. With Tyler’s arms still around his shoulders, and seriously, was that necessary? Ryan and I didn’t do that shit. _I wasn’t jealous_ , but I kind of felt like he shouldn’t be allowed to do that. Not when I couldn’t, even if I wanted to. Which…I didn’t. Not really.

Fuck that.

I waited until the two of them moved apart and started beating the shit out of each other with the loaves of bread they’d brought along with them before I stood up and walked over.

“Hey,” I said again, fully interrupting the two of them. Shane stopped laughing, but he smiled when he looked up at me. I had no idea what Tyler did. I wasn’t actually paying attention to him.

“Yeah?” Shane asked, face flushed from laughing and I was okay. It was…okay.

“I, uh…” I just stood there. I had no idea what I was doing. My fingers felt tight, like I couldn’t bend them, and my tongue was sticking to the roof of my mouth and, fuck, I wasn’t sure this was going to work. It was pathetic. _I_ was pathetic, and awkward, just standing there while Shane stared at me and waited for me to tell him what I wanted.

“Jake?” he pressed, taking a step closer to me, and I let out a breath and fucking _let it go_.

“I’m gonna…” I started, and then rolled my eyes at myself. I stepped in closer and reached up to grip the back of his neck to pull him closer.

“Jake?” he said again, more urgently this time, but I ignored it. I could feel his breath against my lips. I was close, so close, and there wasn’t really a point in backing out anymore.

So, I didn’t.

I lifted up my chin to press my lips against his. It wasn’t our best kiss. It was dry, and stiff, and kind of awkward. I was way too aware of everyone around us, specifically the way they’d all gone deathly quiet, and to be honest, I couldn’t really do much more than stand there with my lips against his. This…really wasn’t what I’d had in mind when I walked up, but I was going with it. I just had no idea where to go from there. It wasn’t part of the plan, and Shane? Was not helping.

I pulled away after less than a minute, but it felt like more. Now Shane was the one standing there, dumbstruck, just staring at me. Someone cleared their throat, but I couldn’t have begun to guess who. It seemed way too far away to pay attention to. But it shocked Shane out of whatever daze he was in, and he ducked his head, biting his lip on a smile.

I let out a breath I didn’t even realize I was holding and I stumbled a bit, dizzy with it.

I heard the throat clearing again, and I didn’t have to guess where it came from because Ryan spoke up right after.

“We’re totally allowed to make out around him now,” I heard him say, followed immediately by a slap that I guessed came from Chloe.

I laughed. My chest felt light and my parents could really kiss my ass, because it felt awesome.

“Whatever,” Tyler said, rolling his eyes at us, but even he was smiling.

Shane was still just looking at me, small smile just starting at the corner of his lips.

“You wanna…go?” he asked, voice soft, and I grinned wider.

“Nah,” I whispered, wrapping my fingers around his wrist, tugging him forward. I didn’t kiss him again. Just pulled him close to lean against him. “We can stay. We’ve only got a half hour before we have to get ready for the meet anyway.”

Shane looked like he was trying to frown, but couldn’t quite pull it off. “Well…okay, but,” he paused to grin at me. “You’ll come over after?”

I smiled, letting go of his wrist to grab the loaf of bread from his hand. “Yeah,” I said, and I couldn’t shake that feeling in my chest. “Wanna go feed some ducks?”

Shane laughed, shaking his head. “Alright,” he said, on a sigh, and I was pretty sure he was feeling it too.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Everything echoes at an indoor pool. I loved it, and I was used to it. So much so that I placed last in every event that I was in the one time I swam at an outdoor pool. The whistles are louder inside, and it seems like you can literally hear every single voice in the crowd, though you can’t make out what any of them are saying in the chaos.

It was my favorite place to be. Outside of being able to brag about it to Ryan, or whatever, I really wasn’t worried about winning big. It was always awesome to place first, but it wasn’t something I made myself sick over. I liked swimming. I liked to be _at_ the meets, and I loved being a part of the whole thing, but racing wasn’t really my thing. If I thought about the fact that it was a race at all while I was in the water, I was sure to lose.

Coach was always saying I had potential. He gave me lectures about how good I _could_ be, and how I’d be excellent in the relay if I could just ‘hone’ all that ‘potential’.

I didn’t buy it. It was also never going to happen. The relay race was too much pressure. Disappointing the crowd wasn’t a big deal; I didn’t know most of them. But the guys in the relay took it seriously and there was no way I could handle that much pressure. Ryan lived for the relay, and the four hundred yard freestyle. During practice, he’d ignore even me the second we hit the water. He took the drills seriously, and tried his damnedest to beat his best times. If coach tried to put me in, I’d totally crack under the pressure, and I was sure Ryan would actually try his best to kill me. No, thanks.

I loved being there, though. I even liked watching the other races. There are parents in the crowd, cheering, and there’s water splashing, and if you listen closely, you can hear the name of each and every swimmer who’s in the water just above the din of the crowd.

“Push it, Ry,” Toby called out from his place next to me on the bench, as if Ryan could hear him. I didn’t like Toby after what I’d heard of him from Shane, but I smiled anyway as I watched Ryan cut through the water. He wasn’t in the lead—he never was at the start of the race—but that didn’t matter. Ryan was actually really _good_. He kept up a decent speed, stayed in the top three for most of the rest, but it wasn’t until after the turn and half way across the pool that he really showed anyone what he was capable of, shooting past the rest the already tired swimmers to take first.

I rarely placed first, but it wasn’t often that Ryan didn’t.

I jumped off the bench clapping and cheering when Ryan arrived first, looking to his left and then immediately to his right to see if anyone had gotten there before him. It was a close race this time, and I’d seen it, but it had to be hard to tell from where Ryan was. I watched as he ripped off his goggles, squinting up at the scoreboard, before turning to look at me with a frown on his face.

I rolled my eyes and gave him the thumbs up, laughing when he slammed a fist against the water before jumping out of the pool.

“Yes,” he said, as he approached, grinning wide. “I _knew_ I could take that fucker.”

I didn’t know which ‘fucker’ he was talking about, Ry had never really said, and probably _never_ would say when he was nervous about a race.

“You’re not nearly as awesome as you think you are,” I commented throwing a towel at him. He threw it right back. I wasn’t sure why they gave us towels when none of us actually dried off with them. We mostly just used them to abuse each other.

“I’m _totally_ awesome,” he argued, smug expression firm in place. He dropped down on the bench next to me and lifted an eyebrow. “You gonna tell me what she’s doing here, or are we just supposed to pretend it’s not happening?”

“Who’s here?” Toby asked, leaning closer.

Ryan just glared, and I laughed when Toby wilted under it and scooted far away from us.

“Your mom,” Ryan said, leaning in so that I could hear his whisper and I frowned as I turned to look out at the crowd.

At first, all I saw was Chloe glaring at someone, and I was almost surprised to find my mom on the receiving end of that glare.

“What’s she doing here?” Ryan asked again as I continued to stare.

I shrugged. I really had no idea. I’d been swimming since the school had started allowing us into the pool and my mom had only come to one meet. I definitely didn’t get why she’d pick _now_ to start showing up.

I turned away from my mom, back to the pool when Shane’s event was called. Whatever. I’d deal with her later.

Whenever Coach is talking about these meets at school on Monday, he uses words like ‘fierce’ when he’s talking about Ryan, and sometimes Carter, which is cool. Fierce is a good thing to be, right? Shane though? Coach always said Shane was ‘elegant’. Which was…less cool, but he was right. Shane was…smooth, in the water. His nailed his turn, his arms and legs moved in perfect rhythm and he was fast.

He placed second, but even I couldn’t tell until it went up on the board. Shane came out of the water smiling. Which, I didn’t get. I remembered him telling my mom he wanted to beat David Rosner after the first time he lost to him, but he didn’t seem all that upset about it.

I placed third in my event. And then I got it. I was lucky to have placed at all. I frowned when I heard my mom screaming above the rest of the crowd, like I’d just done something _amazing_. Like she fucking cared.

I was done swimming for the school year, and it kind of sucked. I could still swim on my own time, but it was fun doing it for school. It was cool hearing my name over the morning announcements, and having people know who I was without my ever having met them. I was going to miss it.

I showered with the rest of the team, laughing and joking about who had got their ass kicked, and how Ryan rocked the pool. Shane wasn’t there, but he never was. It was still a good time, though, and I almost forgot all about my mother.

I waited for Shane after most of the team left, and I was shocked when Ry sat down to wait with me. He even congratulated Shane on his race when he finished dressing and joined us. Winning always put him in a good mood.

Chloe was waiting outside the locker room when the three of us filed out, and just behind her was my mother. And seriously, what the fuck was her issue?

I expected my friends to walk away and give us some space. It’s what they usually did whenever I used to get into trouble while they were around. Shane looked like he _wanted_ to back off, but he kept glancing at Ryan and Chloe, like he was waiting to see what they would do. And they didn’t leave.

“What are you doing here, Mom?” I asked, and I was honestly curious. I wasn’t trying to be a dick; I just…really didn’t get it.

My mom just smiled wide, eyes bright. “I figured you didn’t remind me for no reason,” she said. “You did good, honey. It was really close.”

It seemed so fucking _real_ , and my throat closed up, because she didn’t _do_ this anymore. She avoided me when I looked upset. She never asked what was wrong, or made sure I was okay or…anything. She walked away, and pretended she didn’t notice. She ran out of things to say to me after ‘how’s the chicken’ and she looked at me like I was _wrong_ , and I wasn’t. I _knew_ I wasn’t.

“…too, Ryan, your mom would be proud,” she was saying, but I could barely hear her. I could hear the blood rushing in my ears, and my eyes stinging _for no reason_ except that I didn’t know why she was there.

“I’m proud of you, honey,” she said, talking to me again, and seriously, _what the fuck_? She reached out, pulling me close enough to hug, and I didn’t mean to…I didn’t even think about it, but I jerked away, staring up at her with wide eyes.

“What are you doing?”

“Jake,” she said, aghast, but still smiling. “I told you, I was—,”

“Why are you here?” I cut her off mid sentence, and she jumped, startled, smile freezing on her face, before slowly starting to melt off as she got a good look at me. I shook my head. “Why are you acting like…”

“Like what, Jacob?” She asked, her eyes starting to lose that bright, excited sparkle, and where the fuck did she get off acting like she cared. I mean, was it because my friends were there? Was it a joke?

“Acting like what, Jacob,” she pressed when I didn’t answer immediately.

“Like my mom,” I snapped. I hadn’t really thought about that before it came out, but it was true.

People said it all the time… ‘she looked like she’d been smacked’ or whatever, but I’d never actually seen it before until then. My mom’s entire face went white, and the little bit of a smile she’d had left on her face disappeared completely in the span of a second. Her eyes widened and she physically recoiled away from me.

She stared at me for long moments that stretched on and on until I felt like my ribcage was shrinking around my lungs and I couldn’t get any air.

She looked over my shoulder at my friends for just a second before taking a breath and facing me.

“I’m uhm…” she said, and her voice was weak, shaky. “I’ve gotta get home,” she said, stepping back. She looked at me. “I’ll see you at home.”

I scoffed, shaking my head as I watched her walk away. Again.

“Whatever,” I said, taking a breath and turning around to face my friends. “Fuck it, right?” I added, trying to laugh it.

No one laughed with me.

“Jake, what—,” Chloe started, but Ryan cut her off cold.

“Chlo,” he snapped, glaring at her, shaking his head ‘no’, and for once, she listened.

Shane didn’t say anything. Just stepped closer and I leaned on him without even thinking about it.

“We could go back to the pool,” Ryan said, and it looked like he was trying to smile; trying to blow it off like I had, but it wasn’t working any better for him than it had for me.

I shook my head, closing my eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. “No,” I said, sighing. “I just…I just wanna go.”

They all stared at me, waiting for me to decide who I was going with.

I turned to Shane, inhaling deeply once more before pulling my bag higher up my shoulder. “Ready?” I asked him, and when he tried to smile, it definitely worked for him.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

I wasn’t going to let it get to me. The whole thing was stupid. Once I got away from the school, I had no idea what I’d been so freaked out about. It was a _good_ thing that she’d come, right? I should have been happy, or something.

I didn’t get it. I knew that everything with my mom bothered me, but I never thought it’d end up making me cry in front of my fucking friends. In front of _Shane_.

He didn’t say a word about it, though. We walked to his car, and he made sure to turn the music up in the car without me having to ask him, and I let myself smile. Because I wasn’t going to let it get to me. I kept telling myself that as we drove, and by the time we pulled into his driveway, I was sure I could deal. I was _fine_.

We sat in his living room, relaying the events of the meet to his mom, and I was surprised to find she knew a lot about it. She asked questions, and she got excited at all the right parts in the story, and she bitched about the Rosner kid that took first in Shane’s event. She smiled, and ruffled Shane’s hair and he didn’t even look embarrassed by it. And it was _real_.

We stayed for awhile longer, listening to Scottie bitch about some girl that took his violin solo, before Shane finally took me up to his room.

I was kind of dreading it. I always wanted to be around Shane. So much so that I had to remind myself on a daily basis to make time for other things, but I hated having to talk about my bullshit. It sucked enough having to deal with it; I didn’t want to talk about it too.

But the second we were in his room, Shane locked the door. I sat on his bed while he shuffled around his room, finding his remote and turning on his stereo, and I smiled when he finally sat down next to me.

“Are you…” he paused, frowning. “I don’t know,” he went on. “Are you good?”

I laughed. “Pretty sure I am,” I said, smirking and Shane nudged me with his shoulder.

“Fuck you, Jake Taylor,” He said, tone more than a little fond. He frowned again before continuing. “Earlier, that was…intense.”

I knew he was going to bring it up. I didn’t know what it was with him and Chloe. I didn’t get why they felt the need to fucking talk everything to death, and I usually dealt with it from Shane, because the alternative was leaving, and I wanted to do that even less. But not this time.

I would have thought having him bring it up would get me down, force me back to standing there outside the locker room staring at my mom but it didn’t. I wasn’t even thinking about it. I wasn’t letting it get to me.

I reached out, sliding my hand up his shoulder and behind his neck to pull him in, because _this_ was what I’d had in mind when I told him I would go back to his house at the cemetery. I wanted that light feeling back, like everything was going to be fine and it didn’t matter how my mom looked at me because _this_ was good. This was awesome.

Shane fell back easily when I pushed him back against his bed. He grinned up at me and he didn’t fight me. Didn’t try and get me to continue talking.

I leaned down to kiss him again, sighing at the feel of his lips against mine. I used to keep track of how many times I’d kissed him. I could remember the first, and the second, and the third and so on, but I’d long since stopped being able to count.

It should have been old by now. It should have been only slightly better than kissing Tracy had been, but it wasn’t. I slid my tongue over the sharp ridges of his teeth, my eyes flutter shut at the way his lips felt against my tongue, cool, wet and smooth. Shane groaned, reaching up to grip my hip and pull me closer.

It should have been weird. His mom—his whole family—was downstairs, and everything with my mom was definitely still fresh, but I was resolutely _not_ thinking about it. And there’s this…moment. Every time I was with Shane like this there was this moment where I stopped being able to think about anything else. When everything else just left my mind and I was left with his fingertips against the back of my neck. The feel of his belt buckle cutting into my stomach. His tongue tracing patterns over my jaw, wet heat trailing all the way back to my ear, and then lower to my neck, and lower still. I shivered when he hit my collar, gripping him tighter, trying my damnedest to get him closer when it wasn’t possible.

I slid my hand down his chest, over his stomach. I worked my fingers under the hem of his t-shirt, pushing it up over his chest, and left him to get rid of it while I leaned down to kiss. To taste.

“Jake,” he hissed, hand shooting out to grab my shoulder when I let my tongue slid over his nipple. I’d touched him before, more than once, more than twice. I was even comfortable with it now, but it had never been like this.

His fingernails bit into my skin, and even that was good. He pulled away from me to get rid of his shirt, but he pulled me back before I even had time to think about it. I slid my arms around him, pulling and he came easily, rolled on top of me. I gripped his hips, groaning into his mouth. I let my hand wander, moving down to grip his ass, and bit into his lip when he thrust down against me.

We’d done more than this, but _I_ had never been like this with him before. I’d never really just wanted and...went for it. But it was hard to be self-conscious with Shane writhing on top of me, whimpering softly into my mouth.

He pulled away from me again, but I wanted nothing of it and I hooked my arm around his neck to bring him back.

“Wait,” he gasped, eyes clenched as I thrust up against him. “Wait.”

“Don’t stop,” I ordered…or possibly pleaded. “Please, just…” I thrust again. “Don’t stop.”

“Jake,” he groaned again, pressing his lips hard to mine before pulling my arm from around his neck and pressing it into the bed. “Wait,” he whispered, and before I could complain he was reaching for the buckle of my jeans. “Get these off,” he panted. “I want…”

He didn’t even try to finish his sentence, just set to work unbuckling my pants, and then unbuttoning them, but he left me to get them off, while he worked on his own.

Shane had sucked me off, more than once. I’d gotten up the nerve to try exactly once, but I’d never actually seen him fully naked.

And it didn’t matter how he was going to finish the sentence, I was pretty damn sure I agreed with him, regardless. I wanted whatever he was asking for, too.

I shucked off my pants, pushing myself up toward the head of the bed to wait, and when Shane moved back over me…

It was…a lot. His skin against mine, chest to chest, hip to hip. I felt his cock slide up against the crease in my thigh, and my entire body shook when he lay down fully against me.

“ _Christ_ ,” I whispered, struggling to keep my eyes open to look at him.

He stared back, chewing on his lower lip, and neither of us moved.

I could feel _everything_. His thigh twitched, his skin sliding against mine and when I shivered, I felt it every fucking where he was touching me. He inhaled and his chest pressed just a little bit harder against mine, and I had to close my eyes. And when he moved…when he worked his knees between my thighs and thrust up against me, I almost choked on my fucking tongue.

I let my hands roam, up and down his sides, over his back, down to grasp his ass and pull him tighter against me. And Shane gasped, and moaned, and fucking _whimpered_. And it felt good, so good, but I was less concerned with getting off and more concerned with making him do that again. I spread my legs wider and rocked my hips with him, and he gasped leaning down to _bite_ my shoulder, hard enough to hurt and I didn’t fucking care.

He shifted, his dick sliding right up next to mine and I cried out, over the music.

“Shh,” Shane said, roughly, leaning down to kiss my lips as best as he could with a mouth that just wouldn’t close. “Shh.”

And I tried. I buried my face deep in his shoulder as I felt the tension coil tighter and tighter in my stomach. I wrapped my legs over his, pulling him closer still with my heels and it wasn’t enough. I was close. So fucking close. He had his arms around my shoulders, holding me close, pressing my face into his shoulder while he bit mine. Tongued at my neck.

“Shane,” I said, and it was almost a warning.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, and groaned as I pulled up hard against him.

My back bowed off the bed, my legs tightened around his, my eyes clenched shut. And even after—after I came wetly between our bodies, and Shane let out a keening whine and followed shortly after—I still didn’t let go.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Weekends at my house were hard to deal with. My dad seemed to think that the best way to deal with everything was to spend as much time with me as he could. He worked a lot so it was hard for him most days, but he’d taken to spending the weekends at home. With me. I never left the house when my dad was around. He’d never actually told me that I couldn’t, I’d just never had the balls to ask.

But I really couldn’t stand it. My mom had backed off even further after the swim meet, and Dad…he was just always _there_. Always lecturing, or telling long stories about shit that I didn’t really care to know about, or taking me out to the batting cages as if I even liked baseball.

I needed a break. I’d been home all weekend and I needed to get out. So, when the phone rang I sent up a prayer of thanks to whoever was listening and bounded toward the kitchen to grab the phone.

“Put it down, Jake,” My dad said as I reached for the ringing phone.

The caller id that flashed across the television said that it was Ryan, which would have been weird before when he used to just come over, and knew my home number, but like his own, never actually used it.

“It’s Ryan, Dad,” I pointed out unnecessarily, just in case he hadn’t seen. It really never occurred to me that he might try and keep me from talking to Ryan, and I knew he recognized the number. Half the time, calling Ryan was the only way to reach me. My parents made it a point to remember.

“I know who it is, Jacob, I said put it down,” he repeated, sternly.

I grit my teeth. My dad hadn’t exactly shunned me the way my mother had, but being around him wasn’t exactly a picnic either. And he made it a point to be around. Often. I was trying really hard to remember that I was grateful.

“I’m supposed to meet him and Chloe for homework,” I pointed out. It wasn’t strictly true, but whatever, I’d been doing homework with Chloe and Ryan every Sunday since I was eleven. There was no way he wouldn’t believe me.

“I’m sure you can manage on your own,” my dad said, and pointedly turned up the volume on the television. End of conversation.

I clenched my jaw to keep from saying anything. I’d been doing that a lot and it was getting harder and harder to keep myself in check.

I turned to my mom, who was sitting at her sewing machine pretending she actually knew what she was doing. It was mostly habit that had me turning to her. I _knew_ she wasn’t going to back me up, not now, but she always had before and I still wasn’t quite used to her treating me like a nonperson. I kept expecting her to jump in whenever my dad started acting like an ass. My mom had always been good cop before. She’d always been the reason why being grounded two weeks was more like two days.

But not anymore.

I rolled my eyes, falling back into the cushions of the couch with a huff. “Hey, you know what would be fun?” I said to no one in particular. “Bars. Nice metal bars over the windows and doors. Then, this could be like a prison for _real_. Awesome, right?” Which, okay, maybe wasn’t fair considering I could leave anytime I wanted as long as my dad wasn’t there, but still, I needed to get out of the house.

“Watch your tone,” my dad said flatly, before tensing up. “Go, go, get it there,” he called to the football players on the television and seriously? Fuck. My. Life.

“I thought I _wasn’t_ grounded,” I said, raising my voice over the volume of the TV.

“Who said you were grounded?” My dad replied, voice gruff. “We have plans.”

And okay, but what the hell did that have to do with me answering the phone? I honestly didn’t know who was worse, my mom or my dad.

“What are we doing?” I asked, toning down the anger, because as annoying as it was to have to spend full days with my dad while he tried to figure out how to…deal with me or whatever, I was still grateful that he was there. That he was trying to be there for me. “What plans?”

My dad snorted, raising his drink to his lips. “We’re watching the game,” he said, simply. “Oh, come _on_ ,” he shouted.

I stared at him. I couldn’t stand watching sports. I preferred playing to watching. I couldn’t sit still long enough to watch, couldn’t get into a game that I wasn’t a part of and my dad knew that. Who the fuck was he kidding?

“I don’t want to watch the game,” I informed him, trying my best to keep calm. If I was grounded, fine. But he couldn’t just keep me away from my friends. I could almost understand him wanting to keep me away from _Shane_ but it really _was_ Ryan calling, and he _knew_ it.

“Then go to your room,” my dad said. I hadn’t been sent to my room since elementary.

“Are you serious?” I almost snapped, but I pulled it back last second. Just barely.

“You’re not leaving, Jake,” my dad said, and maybe I could have been okay with that. I could have thrown a quiet fit alone in my room and gotten over it, but he laughed.

He fucking _laughed_ like it was funny, and my mom actually looked up to smile at him and I swear to god, right then? I hated them both.

And I said it. Muttered it under my breath, softly in comparison to the television, but I was positive they heard it.

“I fucking hate you,” I said, getting up and walking, not running, to the stairs. “And I fucking _hate_ being here.”

It was dramatic and maybe a little petty but I didn’t care. I put up with it every day. My mother made me feel like shit, every goddamn day, and I _let_ her, smiled while she did it because at least she hadn’t thrown me out or sent me away or…fuck, I don’t know. And my dad made it a point to ‘spend time’ with me, like it was some great privilege, but he never even fucking smiled and no, I didn’t mean it. I didn’t hate them, and I regretted saying it the second I got to my room, but _fuck_ if I didn’t mean it when I said I hated being there.

It was dark before my dad came up to my room, and I stilled myself for whatever lecture he was going to give me, prepared myself to sit through it and not say a word.

He opened my door without knocking and stood there in the doorway, staring at me for awhile before he sighed, crossing his arms over his chest.

He looked…sad, but I didn’t care. I turned away from him. I wasn’t sorry. And I wasn’t going to feel sorry for him.

He stayed in my doorway just staring for long minutes, and sat down when we were closing in on an hour, but I wasn’t going to cave. If he was waiting for an apology, he’d be waiting all night.

“Do you remember when you fell out of the tree in the back yard?” he asked after what felt like forever, just led with that like it was actually relevant at all. And yeah, I remembered. I was only six, but I gashed my leg open on a branch, and…there was a lot of blood. I was never going to forget all that blood.

I didn’t respond though. I was willing to listen to whatever he had to say, but I was not talking.

“You’re mom spent hours cleaning you up, and when she poured the alcohol on your leg, you screamed and kicked, and you told us you hated us then too.”

Yeah, _what the fuck ever_. I was six, and it wasn’t the same thing.

“We were trying to help,” my dad went on, and I whipped around to look at him, because, really? Was he actually serious with this shit?

“We were trying to fix it,” he added, and I opened my mouth to snap at him. I didn’t know how either of them could possibly think they were helping, with Mom ignoring me and Dad treating me like an ill-behaved dog, watching my every move whenever he was around and pretty much slapping me on the nose every chance he got, without ever actually calling it punishment.

I wanted to yell that I didn’t need fixing or, I just needed them to chill, but I stopped before the words ever came close to leaving my mouth.

It really wasn’t that long ago that _I’d_ wanted to fix it. _I_ hadn’t wanted to look at me, either. _I’d_ been the one trying my damnedest to train myself…straight.

And I just…couldn’t yell at him for it. I couldn’t say anything. I sat there, struck dumb until my dad finally sighed and stood up.

“We’ll talk in the morning, Jake,” he said, shaking his head as he stepped backward, out into the hallway. “Just…think about it, alright. We’re trying.”

I wanted to scream. What a fucking joke. It would have been funny except for the part where it totally wasn’t. I wanted to bitch and I couldn’t. I wanted to be angry and…well, I was, but I couldn’t be as angry.

I didn’t want to _understand_. I didn’t want it to be…okay, somehow, the way they were treating me.

I needed to get out, and I honestly didn’t care if they grounded me until I was old enough to walk out the door and live on my own. I got up, walked to my window and climbed out without even bothering to lock my bedroom door behind me, and ran over to Ryan’s house.

Ryan took one look at me when I crawled into his window and didn’t say a word. I paced, and I laughed to keep myself from crying and it was all _so_ fucking stupid. Such a fucking joke.

I kicked Ryan’s junk around on his floor and he let me. My eyes watered and he pretended to be doing his homework, and honestly? Caydence was cool. Chloe was family, and Shane was…Shane. But Ryan was my best friend. And there wasn’t really any other place I could handle being.

“Can I stay?” I asked suddenly after a solid hour of pacing, and basically having a mental breakdown in his room. “I mean…is that cool? You’ve got the futon, so…”

It shouldn’t have been a big deal. Ryan still spent the night at my house, so my staying shouldn’t have been a big deal, but…I just wasn’t sure. I was confused, and pissed, or…sad, or…fuck, I don’t know. I just didn’t know.

“Yeah, bro,” Ryan said, easily. “You can stay.”

He didn’t ask. He got my bed ready, and lent me some shorts to sleep in, before we settled in to play Mario kart for long hours. Until my brain was so numb, I could think again. Until I was too exhausted to stay seated upright.

We climbed into bed, and Ryan turned off the lights and he didn’t ask.

I wasn’t sure if there was any question he could ask that I would actually have the answer to. Even ‘what happened?’ seemed like a complicated question.

But apparently, what happened wasn’t important. Not to Ryan.

We laid in silence, neither of us really sleeping for long moments before Ryan spoke.

“You think it’s ever gonna get better?” he asked, his voice barely there. Barely a whisper.

It was maybe the best question he could have asked. I didn’t know the answer, I couldn’t have. But…I got better, right? Kind of. I’d wanted to fix it, and I’d gotten the fuck over and they were…trying, and I didn’t even _know_ , but…

“I think,” I said, pressing my face deep into my pillow and inhaling deeply. “I think… _maybe_. Eventually.”

END

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sending all my love and appreciation to Sharon for taking on the task of giving this an edit. You, dearest, are the MOST amazing.


End file.
